AOL broadband drives me crazy - I pay top of the rates and AOL and blogger - not sure which - keep hanging all the time I try to post any pictures or get onto the internet. AOL is just as slow at times now that I'm on broadband when I was on dial up. DOH!!!
I'm completely exhausted from the weekend and need to get some sleep. Managed to find my camera which was in the bedroom. Took a couple of pixs and will share more in the next day or so.
(**^&%^^ - blogger just doesn't want to work with loading pictures so I'll have to resort to old faithful http://www.imageshack.us. It's taken me half an hour just to get this far and wait for everything to load up - what should have just taken 5 mins or so. Bah!
Monday, July 31, 2006
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Pictures : Week 8 post surgery Sun 30 July 06
It's been a busy weekend painting my kitchen and I've been busy with my yoga breathing and meditations and getting a routine going. I could use more hours in the day and didn't have a weekend last week cos of the yoga weekend workshop.
I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.
I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.
I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.
Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!
Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.
Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?
My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.
But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.
I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.
I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.
I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.
I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.
Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!
Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.
Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?
My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.
But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.
I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Week 8 post op : Thurs 27 July 06
I think I got my calculations all wrong and I'm now in my 8th week of recovery - well I'm sure that's how I counted it on the calendar. Mon 5th June being my surgery date.
In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).
When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.
I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.
It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.
My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.
In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).
When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.
I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.
It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.
My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Tues 25 July 06
Today I woke up with my left eye smarting, red and tearing and feeling every so painful. I kept wanting to rub it and it felt like I had lots of grit in my eye. The frustrating part was I can no longer lift any skin from my upper eyelid as there's not much there nor on my lower eyelid to see if I can move the grit though I have a feeling it was the stitches I could feel. All I wanted to do was roll my eyes to get rid of that gritty feeling which was very uncomfortable.
The feeling continued throughout the day at work (I think it's keratitis - which is the inflamation of the cornea). My left eye had tears flowing down all day and I was constantly using a tissue to wipe away the tears and using the tissue to rub my outer eye where I could feel the discomfort of the grit or stitch. It just felt like a knot inside my outer eye. It was a particularly bad day and my right lower eyelid kept throbbing and was quite painful.
At this stage, at 7 weeks post surgery, it feels my eyes have still a way to go yet of healing. And noting yesterday that my left upper eyelid fat transfer seems to be subsiding just made my heart miss a beat. Oh nooooo! It seemed ok today though it's not looking good if at 7 weeks there's signs of the fat disappearing. The right upper eyelid seems fine, per before. I don't understand this. I must ask Jane for her thoughts. I hope I get the opportunity to ask her all the questions I would like to.
My eyes still feel very uncomfortable when I blink. However when I use my fingers to support my outer eyes, the blink feels good and normal ie they don't have far to move meaning the lower eyes don't have far to move when I hold them up to where I feel they should be. Both the left eye and right eye feel different levels of discomfort when I shut them.
When I try and use eyeliner on my eyes, my right eye is fine though when I try to shut my left eye and use eyeliner, the eye is all puffy and I can't shut it too well and my right eyebrow raises so that my right eye can see properly. I'm perplexed with all these things happening to my eyes and eyebrows. I'd like to understand what's going on and sooooo need Jane to explain them to me hopefully in layman's terms (smiles) next week.
My right eyebrow feels bruised in the middle and is sore to the touch - it's been like this for a while though seems to be getting worse. Again this is something else I don't understand and wonder if it's related to the fat transfer injection and/or the brow lift. Must ask Jane. Note to self.
Met an old friend for dinner tonite whom I hadn't seen for 3 months; and was dreading he'd notice my lower left eyelid droop though he didn't say anything. I mentioned it to him after ie that I'd had surgery 7 weeks ago (he knew about my previous surgeries) and he said he could see the lagopthalmus when I shut my eyes though hadn't noticed the lower left eyelid droop. I did feel better whew though feel cos of his age, he's not too bothered about people's eyes and small details like that - he's almost 50 (not that that's old!). I've known him for 24 years now. Wow! On the way back to the car, he kept saying how young I looked. Interesting. I said it was my eye surgery - he said nah, it was cos I hadn't had kids.
The feeling continued throughout the day at work (I think it's keratitis - which is the inflamation of the cornea). My left eye had tears flowing down all day and I was constantly using a tissue to wipe away the tears and using the tissue to rub my outer eye where I could feel the discomfort of the grit or stitch. It just felt like a knot inside my outer eye. It was a particularly bad day and my right lower eyelid kept throbbing and was quite painful.
At this stage, at 7 weeks post surgery, it feels my eyes have still a way to go yet of healing. And noting yesterday that my left upper eyelid fat transfer seems to be subsiding just made my heart miss a beat. Oh nooooo! It seemed ok today though it's not looking good if at 7 weeks there's signs of the fat disappearing. The right upper eyelid seems fine, per before. I don't understand this. I must ask Jane for her thoughts. I hope I get the opportunity to ask her all the questions I would like to.
My eyes still feel very uncomfortable when I blink. However when I use my fingers to support my outer eyes, the blink feels good and normal ie they don't have far to move meaning the lower eyes don't have far to move when I hold them up to where I feel they should be. Both the left eye and right eye feel different levels of discomfort when I shut them.
When I try and use eyeliner on my eyes, my right eye is fine though when I try to shut my left eye and use eyeliner, the eye is all puffy and I can't shut it too well and my right eyebrow raises so that my right eye can see properly. I'm perplexed with all these things happening to my eyes and eyebrows. I'd like to understand what's going on and sooooo need Jane to explain them to me hopefully in layman's terms (smiles) next week.
My right eyebrow feels bruised in the middle and is sore to the touch - it's been like this for a while though seems to be getting worse. Again this is something else I don't understand and wonder if it's related to the fat transfer injection and/or the brow lift. Must ask Jane. Note to self.
Met an old friend for dinner tonite whom I hadn't seen for 3 months; and was dreading he'd notice my lower left eyelid droop though he didn't say anything. I mentioned it to him after ie that I'd had surgery 7 weeks ago (he knew about my previous surgeries) and he said he could see the lagopthalmus when I shut my eyes though hadn't noticed the lower left eyelid droop. I did feel better whew though feel cos of his age, he's not too bothered about people's eyes and small details like that - he's almost 50 (not that that's old!). I've known him for 24 years now. Wow! On the way back to the car, he kept saying how young I looked. Interesting. I said it was my eye surgery - he said nah, it was cos I hadn't had kids.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Monday 24th July 06 - 7 weeks post op
I had an amazing weekend being initiated into Level 1 of Babaji's Hatha Kriya Yoga at the Murugan Temple! Wow! The workshop was intense and yet inspiring from start to finish and the yoga postures were very familiar and brought back wonderful memories from childhood as I did most of those postures as a child for fun ie crab pose, fish pose, shoulder stand, plough etc! I feel wonderful and now have a inspirational set of breathing and meditation exercises to do every morning plus yoga postures which will make a big difference. I feel so alive and connected to life. Anyway, onward with my sharing on my eyes....
Over the weekend, probably Sunday, because my right eye outer corner feels so tight and the eyebrow lifts each time I shut my left eye cos it can't see properly, and it just doesn't feel or look right, I was drawn to taking a ruler to see if the outer eye tip corners were level and hmm, nope they are not. The right outer eye corner/tip (if you understand what I mean) is much lower than the left outer eye retraction and especially so when I lift the left lower eyelid outer eye (which will happen when the spacer is introduced). It explains now why my right upper eyebrow lifts when my left eye is shut, ie cos the right eye shape is all different and curves in too much. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. I am hoping it's something that Jane can correct ie if it's been oversewn etc and hope it's not something that is irreversible.
The other thing I noticed this afternoon in the mirror in the bathroom at work was that oh noooooo, my left upper eyelid is starting to show signs of that crinkle again ie where the fat disappears. (sniffles). I hope it doesn't go back to how it was before surgery on the 5th June - that would be terrible. I don't know much about Coleman Fat Transfer though I didn't think that the fat would disappear too much with Coleman considering that excess fat is injected. Another topic to discuss with Jane.
At the yoga workshop the teacher had to look at my eyes when they were shut to watch me do a breathing meditation and I saw him looking at my left eye which doesn't close ie the lagophtalmus (I felt very self conscious). Then when he was checking my breathing technique again later he rubbed at both his outer eyes when looking at me - most likely sensing what I'd had done with his intuition as I didn't think my scars could be seen. Then later, whenever he'd speak with me, he'd flick away at his left eye (which mirrors mine) which I'm getting used to now though it still makes my heart sink and I feel very sad about the way my eyes look. There's nothing I can do about it but live with it until the next revision.
At least I have my yoga breathing and meditation techniques now (smiles) and my hatha kriya yoga postures and I'm happy (smiles). I meet with Jane for my follow up consult next Weds and I'm very intrigued as to her take on matters on my healing journey so far. I think she'll be disappointed though it's a question of continuing to try. 6 months from now ie December hopefully would be an appropriate time for another revision and I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The right eye being too tight feels very claustrophobic at times and I want to just automatically raise my eyebrows to lift my eyes open as it doesn't feel right and/or I'll use my fingertips to raise and pull out my outer eyes for a bit of relief.
A copy of my post on MMH's eye forum http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=20601.
Om Kriya Babaji Nama Aum
Indi
Over the weekend, probably Sunday, because my right eye outer corner feels so tight and the eyebrow lifts each time I shut my left eye cos it can't see properly, and it just doesn't feel or look right, I was drawn to taking a ruler to see if the outer eye tip corners were level and hmm, nope they are not. The right outer eye corner/tip (if you understand what I mean) is much lower than the left outer eye retraction and especially so when I lift the left lower eyelid outer eye (which will happen when the spacer is introduced). It explains now why my right upper eyebrow lifts when my left eye is shut, ie cos the right eye shape is all different and curves in too much. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. I am hoping it's something that Jane can correct ie if it's been oversewn etc and hope it's not something that is irreversible.
The other thing I noticed this afternoon in the mirror in the bathroom at work was that oh noooooo, my left upper eyelid is starting to show signs of that crinkle again ie where the fat disappears. (sniffles). I hope it doesn't go back to how it was before surgery on the 5th June - that would be terrible. I don't know much about Coleman Fat Transfer though I didn't think that the fat would disappear too much with Coleman considering that excess fat is injected. Another topic to discuss with Jane.
At the yoga workshop the teacher had to look at my eyes when they were shut to watch me do a breathing meditation and I saw him looking at my left eye which doesn't close ie the lagophtalmus (I felt very self conscious). Then when he was checking my breathing technique again later he rubbed at both his outer eyes when looking at me - most likely sensing what I'd had done with his intuition as I didn't think my scars could be seen. Then later, whenever he'd speak with me, he'd flick away at his left eye (which mirrors mine) which I'm getting used to now though it still makes my heart sink and I feel very sad about the way my eyes look. There's nothing I can do about it but live with it until the next revision.
At least I have my yoga breathing and meditation techniques now (smiles) and my hatha kriya yoga postures and I'm happy (smiles). I meet with Jane for my follow up consult next Weds and I'm very intrigued as to her take on matters on my healing journey so far. I think she'll be disappointed though it's a question of continuing to try. 6 months from now ie December hopefully would be an appropriate time for another revision and I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The right eye being too tight feels very claustrophobic at times and I want to just automatically raise my eyebrows to lift my eyes open as it doesn't feel right and/or I'll use my fingertips to raise and pull out my outer eyes for a bit of relief.
A copy of my post on MMH's eye forum http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=20601.
Om Kriya Babaji Nama Aum
Indi
Friday, July 21, 2006
Friday 21 July 06 - 6 weeks 4 days post op
Last nite while I was moisturing my face, I noticed that when I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, my right upper eyebrow lifts up automatically cos my right eye can't see properly (ie vision is blocked) and if I close my right eye, my left eye is normal and the eyebrow doesn't move. Arrggggh!! It was quite freaky. I only experimented cos I'd mentioned last nite on my blog that I'd been noticing more and more that my right side of forehead, right upper eye and right corner of the eye had numb sensations all down and the right outer eye feels tight and looks tight and I'm hoping it's all temporary and it'll ease up at some point in the next few weeks and return to some form of normality (fingers and toes crossed). It's another point I'll have to remember to mention to Jane.
I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.
There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.
Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.
So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.
I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.
Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...
I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....
I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.
There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.
Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.
So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.
I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.
Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...
I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....
Thursday, July 20, 2006
6 weeks 3 days post op - Thurs 20 July 06
My left outer eye feels wind blown and dry a lot, as well as hot and at nite, when I wake during the middle of the night, both eyes feel very dry even though I'm using Lacrilube. My blink is very slow motion and is an effort.
My outer eyes on both eyes still feel tight (Jane mentioned this would happen) though I'm not sure if this is permanent and/or temporary. My right outer eye feels tighter than my left outer eye - by outer eye I mean the outside corner of the eyes. It feels that Jane sewed (for use of a word) my left outer eye more than my left eye as I can't open my right eye as wide as I can my left eye which feels it has more movement whereas my right eye feels tight and restricted and at times claustrophobic. It doesn't feel normal; and I'm not even sure if it's something permanent or temporary - I'll need to ask Jane this when I see her week after next. At times I feel it's too tight and I keep thinking that hopefully it's reversible and when Jane does the next revision, she can untighten it or something ... I hope so as I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like I can't open my right eye fully and that it's sewn shut partially at the outer corner.
It has changed the shape of my right eye slightly and my outer upper eyelid seems to curve down more than my left upper eyelid shapewise. Could be related to the numb feeling below - I'm not sure.
Lately my right upper eye area has been feeling numb including my right side of the forehead. I thought it was the endoscopic numb feeling but I don't think I've felt this numbness in my right upper eye and side before - it all seems related to the incision area where the fat transfer went into as that specific "hole" or injection is numb and the area down from it. It feels weird and is a sensation that I hope will eventually go away / heal. It's that feeling you get at the dentist when he's injected anaethesthic into your gums and you can't feel a thing. The area on my left upper eye/side and forehead feel normal.
My incision lines on my lower and upper eyelids are still very prominent. Now that I'm typing my right outer eyelid feels claustrophically tight and it's very uncomfortable - I try to not think about it too much. The itchiness has subsided a little.
It's been very hot at night - 30 degrees C upstairs in the bedroom!
My outer eyes on both eyes still feel tight (Jane mentioned this would happen) though I'm not sure if this is permanent and/or temporary. My right outer eye feels tighter than my left outer eye - by outer eye I mean the outside corner of the eyes. It feels that Jane sewed (for use of a word) my left outer eye more than my left eye as I can't open my right eye as wide as I can my left eye which feels it has more movement whereas my right eye feels tight and restricted and at times claustrophobic. It doesn't feel normal; and I'm not even sure if it's something permanent or temporary - I'll need to ask Jane this when I see her week after next. At times I feel it's too tight and I keep thinking that hopefully it's reversible and when Jane does the next revision, she can untighten it or something ... I hope so as I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like I can't open my right eye fully and that it's sewn shut partially at the outer corner.
It has changed the shape of my right eye slightly and my outer upper eyelid seems to curve down more than my left upper eyelid shapewise. Could be related to the numb feeling below - I'm not sure.
Lately my right upper eye area has been feeling numb including my right side of the forehead. I thought it was the endoscopic numb feeling but I don't think I've felt this numbness in my right upper eye and side before - it all seems related to the incision area where the fat transfer went into as that specific "hole" or injection is numb and the area down from it. It feels weird and is a sensation that I hope will eventually go away / heal. It's that feeling you get at the dentist when he's injected anaethesthic into your gums and you can't feel a thing. The area on my left upper eye/side and forehead feel normal.
My incision lines on my lower and upper eyelids are still very prominent. Now that I'm typing my right outer eyelid feels claustrophically tight and it's very uncomfortable - I try to not think about it too much. The itchiness has subsided a little.
It's been very hot at night - 30 degrees C upstairs in the bedroom!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Weds 19 July 06 - 6 weeks 2 days post op
It is over a week since I sent Jane my last email which she still has not replied to yet nor has her sec responded to my email question to her re Isolagen. I know one other person who is still waiting for Jane to respond to her email and is wondering what the delay is all about; and I also know someone new who's just written to Jane in the past few days and whom Jane responded to straight away as it was regards a consult. I'd like to think that Jane isn't responding to me and this other patient of hers because she's so busy and she can't email back properly just yet and it may have slipped her mind and not cos she can't be bothered. Deep down it's still upsetting though as it feels unprofessional considering how much her fees are.
I saw her invoice for the day when I had my stitches out (3 weeks post surgery) and it was for £325 (ouch!). £175 for the consult, £125 for the stitch removal and the remainder on something else that was not mentioned (perhaps the ointment?) or the removal of the fat transfer knee stitches? Even though it's private, one still feels rushed like one is on a conveyor belt and waiting for the next patient. (sighs).
On Monday one of the other assistants in the team rubbed at her eye exactly where my lump and/or lower left eyelid retraction is and my heart sank as each day I see someone doing that (sighs).
My outer eyes still feel tight and it must be cos Jane's sewn up the outer eyes or tightened the obicularis or whatever it's called in an attempt to bring the lower eyelid retraction up but it hasn't really worked. In my humble thoughts I feel I need spacers where the areas were sewn up to bring those corners up. I keep using my fingers to push up my left and right lower eyelids in the outer corners and they look nice when I do that - so hopefully perhaps that'll get done one day. I just wonder normally where the spacers go in the lower eyelid - I must ask Mariel and Macherie on the MMH board (I'm not sure which one of them already has the spacer and whom is still waiting!)
My scalp is still itchy and tender and I feel it'll be this way for a few more months yet. A few days ago I found a couple of stitches still poking out of my left knee - I was nervous about what to do so I tried to snip them off but they were still sticking out and so I used a magnifying mirror and tweezers and grabbed onto one and tried to see if it'd budge and hmmm, out it slipped!! I was glad that it was easy though I was nervous it could be something really long!!! No one has ever left stitches in me before!!
I haven't been taking photos as regularly and haven't taken photos daily either - I must try and do some tonite!!
I'm wearing eye make up to work and to me it hides the red scarring though at 6 weeks I thought they'd be gone by now. The outer scars are still itchy and feel tight and sometimes my right outer eye feels that it can't open that wide and is limited in it's movement cos the outer eye has been sewn up (I know my language could improve but I don't know the right terminology)! I wonder if it's normal to sew up the outer eyes? My eyes do seem smaller and they're just different and not symmetrical obviously cos one is larger than the other though it's early days of healing yet right now and my eyes change daily/weekly.
I still do feel irritated and disappointed Jane didn't email back to both my emails even if just to acknowledge them. It just feels unprofessional. Perhaps it's her lack of admin skills - then again she did respond immediately to the lady who had asked for a consultation. Grrrr :)
I saw her invoice for the day when I had my stitches out (3 weeks post surgery) and it was for £325 (ouch!). £175 for the consult, £125 for the stitch removal and the remainder on something else that was not mentioned (perhaps the ointment?) or the removal of the fat transfer knee stitches? Even though it's private, one still feels rushed like one is on a conveyor belt and waiting for the next patient. (sighs).
On Monday one of the other assistants in the team rubbed at her eye exactly where my lump and/or lower left eyelid retraction is and my heart sank as each day I see someone doing that (sighs).
My outer eyes still feel tight and it must be cos Jane's sewn up the outer eyes or tightened the obicularis or whatever it's called in an attempt to bring the lower eyelid retraction up but it hasn't really worked. In my humble thoughts I feel I need spacers where the areas were sewn up to bring those corners up. I keep using my fingers to push up my left and right lower eyelids in the outer corners and they look nice when I do that - so hopefully perhaps that'll get done one day. I just wonder normally where the spacers go in the lower eyelid - I must ask Mariel and Macherie on the MMH board (I'm not sure which one of them already has the spacer and whom is still waiting!)
My scalp is still itchy and tender and I feel it'll be this way for a few more months yet. A few days ago I found a couple of stitches still poking out of my left knee - I was nervous about what to do so I tried to snip them off but they were still sticking out and so I used a magnifying mirror and tweezers and grabbed onto one and tried to see if it'd budge and hmmm, out it slipped!! I was glad that it was easy though I was nervous it could be something really long!!! No one has ever left stitches in me before!!
I haven't been taking photos as regularly and haven't taken photos daily either - I must try and do some tonite!!
I'm wearing eye make up to work and to me it hides the red scarring though at 6 weeks I thought they'd be gone by now. The outer scars are still itchy and feel tight and sometimes my right outer eye feels that it can't open that wide and is limited in it's movement cos the outer eye has been sewn up (I know my language could improve but I don't know the right terminology)! I wonder if it's normal to sew up the outer eyes? My eyes do seem smaller and they're just different and not symmetrical obviously cos one is larger than the other though it's early days of healing yet right now and my eyes change daily/weekly.
I still do feel irritated and disappointed Jane didn't email back to both my emails even if just to acknowledge them. It just feels unprofessional. Perhaps it's her lack of admin skills - then again she did respond immediately to the lady who had asked for a consultation. Grrrr :)
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Pixs showing lower eyelid fat/lump/uneveness etc (17 July 06)
Interesting set of photos below taken with my eyes squinting / smiling to show the lower eyelid fat etc in various stages of my reconstructive surgeries or revisions. The photo taken today (top one) I find interesting cos my left eye is larger than my right eye when squinting - and it's even worst when the flash is on ... how interesting.
Sun 17 July 06 - 6 weeks post op - 4th reconstrutive surgery (upper eyelid fat transfer, ptosis repair to upper eyelid and eyelash, lower eyelid fat repositioning). It was interesting to note that my left eye even when squinting is larger than my right eye. 
31 Dec 05 - 3 weeks post 3rd reconstructive op (Y-V endo brow lift, upper eyelid reconstruction)
19 Dec 2005 - 2 weeks post 3rd reconstructive surgery lower eyes - and that fatty left lump - ergh!Saturday, July 15, 2006
Pictures with eyes closed
Day 25 post the Dec 2005 surgery (3rd reconstructive surgery)
March 06 - taken 4 months post my 3rd reconstructive surgery (Y-V endo broww lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction) showing lagophthalmus
Sat 15 July 06 - taken 6 weeks post op 4th reconstructive surgery (upper eyelid fat transfer, upper eyelid ptosis repair, eyelash repair, lower eyelid fat repositioning and orbicularis tightening to superior orbital rim - eyes shut - lagophthalmus
13 June 06 - 7 days post 4th surgery - eyes closed The pictures above show my eyes through various stages of lagophthalmus with my eyes shut. I've mentioned below the pictures the various dates the pictures were taken - some were taken after the December 2005 Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction for comparison to this recent 4th reconstructive surgery in June 2006 (upper eyelid fat transfer, and lower eyelid fat repositioning plus orbicularis tightening etc).
I've yet to take pictures with me smiling to show the ikky looking misplaced fatty blubber of fat and lumps underneath my lower eyes and also hollows. It looks gross. I'll show them in comparison with my old photos shown smiling. I didn't know they were that bad until Jane pointed them out to me.
Bed Wedge/ Sleeping Upright
6 weeks post surgery and I'm still sleeping upright on my bed wedges. After my last surgery in Dec 05, I slept on the bed wedge for about 3-4 months before I started sleeping straight. I just didn't feel comfortable sleeping straight - and with this latest eye surgery with my eyes feeling fat as they are (with the fat transfer) I do NOT want any more feelings of fat in my eyes or feelings of swelling .... ergh! I'm sure that's what contributes to my vision bluriness.
Hot & Dry Eyes
My left outer eye has been feeling extremely dry today even when I use lots of eye drops. It feels hot on the outer eye (inside the eye) and feels the wind blowing in the eye - just generally dry and very uncomfortable and my vision in the left eye is extremely blurry most of the time - especially when I watch tv and I have to keep blinking my eyes. Even wearing glasses doesn't help and it's a nightmare going shopping as I can't read any of the small print on the groceries even with my glasses sometimes. Very frustrating.
Nourkrin Maintain
I purchased 3 months' worth of Nourkrin Maintain http://www.nourkrin.co.uk for my hair thinning issue. My hair is thicker and has grown in places though the front of my scalp's incision line still hasn't grown even baby hairs yet and is still very sore 7 months post surgery. My left incision on scalp is growing but is still only baby hair growth and my right incision on scalp is growing more and that's where my parting has been. I'm grateful for my hair being back to some form of normality where I can hide certain things as my hair is one thing that I have been able to feel good about in me as a lot of people like my hair condition ie shine and style and to have lost that all those months and to wear the wig was just soul destroying. I felt a part of me had died though now is back (whew).
Friday, July 14, 2006
Friday 14th July 06 : almost 6 weeks post op
Almost 6 weeks post up from my lower eyelid reconstruction, upper eyelid and eyelash ptotis repair, upper eyelid fat transfer and lower eyelid fat repositioning, and about 7 months post op from my Y-V Endo Brow Lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction (including ptotis repair) (whew) that was a handful to write and it's not detailed and is only a summary!!!
My scalp is still itchy and sore - a lot of it is focused in the Y-V incision that sits in front of my scalp where the hair is still not growing and which one of the hairdressers said he didn't think would grow back there. There's not even any signs of life or little hair there where the V incision is. I'll take a photo at some point soon and post here to show. The incision on my sides have grown but not the front - it's worrying and I hope it's something that will rectify itself at some point in the near future. The hair in the front of my head is still thin (though I am able to hide it thankfully with my fringe) and my hairline has gone higher to make my forehead look higher though the fringe hides that fact. I never thought of all these things before I had my brow lift as I didn't know. I only read them on the internet after.
My outer eyes feel dry and tight, not so itchy these past day or so, and it doesn't feel weird or like my eyes are going to pop up when I bend down to pick something off the floor.
Jane's letter to my GP said I had bilateral upper eyelid eversion, with minimal blepharoplasty, bilateral lower eyelid exploration, repositioning of fat and skin flaps with obicularis tightening to the superior orbital rim. What's obicularis tightening? Hmm, I'm gonna do a search and see what that means - I think it means she tightened up the muscles on the side of my eyes ie the outer eyes.
I still haven't used mascara to see whether my eyelash ptosis on the left upper eyelash has been rectified though I did experiment a week or so ago and my lashes on both upper eyelids seemed "crooked" ie like they'd been bent through a machine as they couldn't straighten out - it looked comical - like a fly with a crooked leg!! (grins). Then I tried again a few days later and both eyelashes seemed to be ok, albeit crooked though I think it's too early to tell as they seem in recovery mode.
My left eye definitely seems larger than my right eye and I'm getting people mirror me again ie a few people keep flicking at their eyes ie same as mine on the left outer eye, plus also brush away where my right cheek infection is. I think they're doing it subsconsciously though it does upset me cos it just bring home that it is something obvious - even if it obvious from a subsconscious point of view of the other person. (sniffles).
My thoughts and emotions are vacillating all the time and while I thought the other day that I'd want to wait till March 2007 to have my next reconstruction, now I feel very self conscious again cos of all those at work who keep flicking their eyes and oh yeah, yesterday we went out for a team outing to the park and I went with a few girls from the office on the tube there. I didn't have my glasses on nor did I have any eye make up on and while the girls were talking to me, I could see them looking at my eyes and one of them also started subconsciously flicking at her eyes ie where my left lower eyelid droop / retraction is and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole ... I felt very self conscious - just like Tyra feels that the whole of the UK is looking at her nose in the papers the past week which was damaged by her cocaine use. It's soul destroying. No matter how tough we are, these things cut us up inside. How we look is important and I'm so tired of looking like a freak and disfigured and people feeling sorry for me, wondering why my eyes are the way they are and perhaps feeling sorry for me cos they know I've had plastic surgery gone wrong. So I felt that I need to finish my reconstruction journey as soon as I can so I can get back to normality as now there's no way I'm going to take off my glasses when I'm with people at work and am going to hide behind them; plus I've started using eyeliner so that my scars are hidden and my eyes look hidden etc ie the attention is taken away from the defects etc. I feel like a freak. I mean I like the way my eyes look but a lot of the time they both look different sizes - for some reason the right eye looks smaller - though I think it's temporary (I hope). Jane seems to have sewn up or done something to both eyes to make them smaller though the left eye didn't take.
So I'm going to make a request for Sabbatical Leave for the x'mas period for 4 weeks and if I get it great, if not I'll put in a request for 3 weeks holiday leave and say I'm going home to S'pore as I haven't been back for almost 6 years. That's 5 months from now. I'll have to work hard to prepare myself physically and mentally for this ie resuming my work outs next week and also my cardio and healthy eating habits to get myself physically fit again and will work on my chakras and meditate to gain peace of mind as much as I can given the conditions.
My scalp is still itchy and sore - a lot of it is focused in the Y-V incision that sits in front of my scalp where the hair is still not growing and which one of the hairdressers said he didn't think would grow back there. There's not even any signs of life or little hair there where the V incision is. I'll take a photo at some point soon and post here to show. The incision on my sides have grown but not the front - it's worrying and I hope it's something that will rectify itself at some point in the near future. The hair in the front of my head is still thin (though I am able to hide it thankfully with my fringe) and my hairline has gone higher to make my forehead look higher though the fringe hides that fact. I never thought of all these things before I had my brow lift as I didn't know. I only read them on the internet after.
My outer eyes feel dry and tight, not so itchy these past day or so, and it doesn't feel weird or like my eyes are going to pop up when I bend down to pick something off the floor.
Jane's letter to my GP said I had bilateral upper eyelid eversion, with minimal blepharoplasty, bilateral lower eyelid exploration, repositioning of fat and skin flaps with obicularis tightening to the superior orbital rim. What's obicularis tightening? Hmm, I'm gonna do a search and see what that means - I think it means she tightened up the muscles on the side of my eyes ie the outer eyes.
I still haven't used mascara to see whether my eyelash ptosis on the left upper eyelash has been rectified though I did experiment a week or so ago and my lashes on both upper eyelids seemed "crooked" ie like they'd been bent through a machine as they couldn't straighten out - it looked comical - like a fly with a crooked leg!! (grins). Then I tried again a few days later and both eyelashes seemed to be ok, albeit crooked though I think it's too early to tell as they seem in recovery mode.
My left eye definitely seems larger than my right eye and I'm getting people mirror me again ie a few people keep flicking at their eyes ie same as mine on the left outer eye, plus also brush away where my right cheek infection is. I think they're doing it subsconsciously though it does upset me cos it just bring home that it is something obvious - even if it obvious from a subsconscious point of view of the other person. (sniffles).
My thoughts and emotions are vacillating all the time and while I thought the other day that I'd want to wait till March 2007 to have my next reconstruction, now I feel very self conscious again cos of all those at work who keep flicking their eyes and oh yeah, yesterday we went out for a team outing to the park and I went with a few girls from the office on the tube there. I didn't have my glasses on nor did I have any eye make up on and while the girls were talking to me, I could see them looking at my eyes and one of them also started subconsciously flicking at her eyes ie where my left lower eyelid droop / retraction is and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole ... I felt very self conscious - just like Tyra feels that the whole of the UK is looking at her nose in the papers the past week which was damaged by her cocaine use. It's soul destroying. No matter how tough we are, these things cut us up inside. How we look is important and I'm so tired of looking like a freak and disfigured and people feeling sorry for me, wondering why my eyes are the way they are and perhaps feeling sorry for me cos they know I've had plastic surgery gone wrong. So I felt that I need to finish my reconstruction journey as soon as I can so I can get back to normality as now there's no way I'm going to take off my glasses when I'm with people at work and am going to hide behind them; plus I've started using eyeliner so that my scars are hidden and my eyes look hidden etc ie the attention is taken away from the defects etc. I feel like a freak. I mean I like the way my eyes look but a lot of the time they both look different sizes - for some reason the right eye looks smaller - though I think it's temporary (I hope). Jane seems to have sewn up or done something to both eyes to make them smaller though the left eye didn't take.
So I'm going to make a request for Sabbatical Leave for the x'mas period for 4 weeks and if I get it great, if not I'll put in a request for 3 weeks holiday leave and say I'm going home to S'pore as I haven't been back for almost 6 years. That's 5 months from now. I'll have to work hard to prepare myself physically and mentally for this ie resuming my work outs next week and also my cardio and healthy eating habits to get myself physically fit again and will work on my chakras and meditate to gain peace of mind as much as I can given the conditions.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
5 weeks post op : 9th July 06
Pix taken 9th July 06 - 5 weeks post surgery. There's a lump on my right lower eyelid (that was never tehre before and developed from the stitches after this surgery - it looks like it'll disappear at some point (I hope). From the looks in this picture both eyes seem hollow ... how interesting considering that's not how I see it when I look in the mirror ie I don't notice the left lower eyelid hollow. The left outer eyelid is a bit red in this picture and you can also see the left lower eyelid lump, if you know what you're looking for. My eyes are much much better than before this surgery and I am happy though just gutted I need another - mainly cos my eyes feel they can't take much more battering.
What I do find difficult as well is I'm sure Jane sewed up my outer eyes a little to bring up the droops as my eyes feel tight on the outside. It's all early days; though rather uncomfortable and part of the healing process. I just need reassurance from Jane.
Dr Meronk's "Is this ever going to heal?" http://www.drmeronk.com/insidersguide/35.html
Weds 12th July 06 - 5 weeks 2 days post op
Arrrrgh, (scratch scratch, scratch) ... the past few days, all I've wanted to do is scratch my head which itches so much. I'm sitting in the office and I'm just scratching my head and patting it - like I did when I had the wig on (ergh). I was baffled as to why my head was itching so much 6 months post surgery from my Y-V brow lift and did a search on the internet and read that scars itch after surgery for years after, which is due to the nerves regrowing and regenerating. That made a difference as I thought that the itchiness was due to the scars being dry.
The corners of my eyes have also been itching like crazy, which Jane said they would. I have to be very gentle when I have any contact with any part of my eyes as my outer eye muscles are really sore and sensitive even to the slightest gentlest touch. And my eyelids too.
My outer left eye is dry lots from the exposure where the droop is the most prominent and that is bothersome and my eyes do feel dry even thou I use eye drops throughout the day. I feel I need something stronger but which won't blur my vision. I'm currently using TheraTears. My eyes also feel hot; and when I wake in the morning even though I'm using Lacrilube, my eyes feel dry and slow to blink for a while after. Everything feels like it is in slow motion. I just want to lubricate my eyes in the morning when I wake but there's nothing I can use until I use my normal eye drops. The medication from the hospital (eye drops) is now out of date (Hypermellose) and I am not sure if I'm supposed to continue using that. The nurse did say to me to only use it for one week though the bottle said one month; which is what I've done.
My right cheek infection is still there and very itchy (ergh) though my right lower eyelid hollow isn't as prominent as it was just after surgery and it's at a bearable stage ie where I don't freak out and get really upset cos it looks absolutely grotesque.
My left eye has been having vision problems for a while in that what feels like a transparent film keeps flicking onto my vision field when I blink all throughout the day and there's nothing I can do to get rid of it and I'm thinking it's the fine film that is on the top surface of my eye as after surgery for a while all I could see what that fine film squished up on my lower eyelid as it just glisened and it just didn't seem right that it was there. I emailed Jane and asked if this was anything to worry about a couple of days ago but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I don't want to call her cos I'm not sure if this is something trivial or something I should panic about and go to A&E and/or make an appointment with her.
I do get very frustrated when Jane doesn't respond to my emails as I emailed her last week with a question which she still hasn't gotten back to me yet. I forwarded on the question to her secretary who also didn't get back to me - so I chased her secretary who seemed agitated that I'd called her as she said she was waiting to hear back from someone about prices - though geez, a simple email back to say hey, got your email and will revert back as soon as I hear about prices etc is common courtesy especially for a private patient. It takes seconds!! Lack of bedside manner! Perhaps its the way Harley Street works as I've known private consultants in Harley Street who are much worst so perhaps I should be thankful for the service I do have (grins). I dunno. I work in an investment bank where the standards are so high and it's so fast paced and I guess medical secretaries are in a different field - still sending out paper copies whereas we in the investment banking industry do a lot of things electronically and we have the latest technological gadgets including Blackberries on the move so contact is 24/7 with our bankers etc.
Well each time I'm at Jane's I see her computer logged on so she must be on line all the time and reads her emails - she perhaps is being selective in whom she responds to etc ... I don't know. I've heard other people say that Jane responds back to them really fast.
I have lots else to share but my mind is blank right now. I'm tired and came home early cos my vision was really bothering me. Each time I blinked, my vision blurred and I just couldn't do any work cos it was distracting. I wanted to come home and use ice packs on my eyes and just get some rest and palm my eyes.
I've also been eating lots (eeek!) and am sure I've put on 3-4 pounds in 6 weeks! Especially cos I haven't exercised!
Old friends have cropped back up on the scene whom I haven't seen for years and I'm noting the changes in me ie healthier responses and interactions with them etc (smiles). Onward with the next set of lessons life says :) ...
I have been thinking about my next surgery ie the mucosal mouth graft to my lower eyelids (if I need it) and thought and felt to myself lately that my body right now feels it can't take anymore surgery or rather my eyes don't feel up to it, and nor does my head, with all that itchiness going on my head and eyes and I feel like a mess - I don't know how people can cope with multiple surgeries - my hat off to them - bravo!!! Especially on these Extreme Makeover Shows! I had originally been thinking maybe I could wait 6 months and have surgery in December this year but I dunno ... then I was thinking I'd be happy to wait 9 months until Easter next year ie March 2007 when my body has had time to recuperate and recover more. It's just a thought ... I could feel better in a few weeks and feel up to and ready for a December surgery (if needed). It all depends on what Jane says as well. I'll follow my instincts and see what my body tells me. I'm sure I didn't feel this way after my brow lift ie that I didn't feel ready for another surgery; so this feeling that I have been having surprises me. Perhaps it's the itchiness of both my head and eyes and it feels overwhelming and too much for me right now. Not being able to rub my eyes drives me crazy (argh! :))
Some of the bankers in the office I believe suspect that I had eye surgery when I was away on hols (and one of my own bankers personally suspected it and mentioned it before I went away cos I was taking so long off) as I got questioned today by one of my other bankers I work for about my eyes cos I had to take that week off work after my hols. I just evaded his questions as best I could and he kinda bought it but he still suspects, which is fine - it just means they're good at putting two and two together. I just don't want to tell them cos they'll judge and they won't understand. I'm back in touch with an old friend I haven't seen for 8 years and I won't tell her anything about my surgeries cos she won't understand and she'll only judge and/or will never let me forget it etc and will gossip and tell others ... hello?!!!! ERgh!
The corners of my eyes have also been itching like crazy, which Jane said they would. I have to be very gentle when I have any contact with any part of my eyes as my outer eye muscles are really sore and sensitive even to the slightest gentlest touch. And my eyelids too.
My outer left eye is dry lots from the exposure where the droop is the most prominent and that is bothersome and my eyes do feel dry even thou I use eye drops throughout the day. I feel I need something stronger but which won't blur my vision. I'm currently using TheraTears. My eyes also feel hot; and when I wake in the morning even though I'm using Lacrilube, my eyes feel dry and slow to blink for a while after. Everything feels like it is in slow motion. I just want to lubricate my eyes in the morning when I wake but there's nothing I can use until I use my normal eye drops. The medication from the hospital (eye drops) is now out of date (Hypermellose) and I am not sure if I'm supposed to continue using that. The nurse did say to me to only use it for one week though the bottle said one month; which is what I've done.
My right cheek infection is still there and very itchy (ergh) though my right lower eyelid hollow isn't as prominent as it was just after surgery and it's at a bearable stage ie where I don't freak out and get really upset cos it looks absolutely grotesque.
My left eye has been having vision problems for a while in that what feels like a transparent film keeps flicking onto my vision field when I blink all throughout the day and there's nothing I can do to get rid of it and I'm thinking it's the fine film that is on the top surface of my eye as after surgery for a while all I could see what that fine film squished up on my lower eyelid as it just glisened and it just didn't seem right that it was there. I emailed Jane and asked if this was anything to worry about a couple of days ago but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I don't want to call her cos I'm not sure if this is something trivial or something I should panic about and go to A&E and/or make an appointment with her.
I do get very frustrated when Jane doesn't respond to my emails as I emailed her last week with a question which she still hasn't gotten back to me yet. I forwarded on the question to her secretary who also didn't get back to me - so I chased her secretary who seemed agitated that I'd called her as she said she was waiting to hear back from someone about prices - though geez, a simple email back to say hey, got your email and will revert back as soon as I hear about prices etc is common courtesy especially for a private patient. It takes seconds!! Lack of bedside manner! Perhaps its the way Harley Street works as I've known private consultants in Harley Street who are much worst so perhaps I should be thankful for the service I do have (grins). I dunno. I work in an investment bank where the standards are so high and it's so fast paced and I guess medical secretaries are in a different field - still sending out paper copies whereas we in the investment banking industry do a lot of things electronically and we have the latest technological gadgets including Blackberries on the move so contact is 24/7 with our bankers etc.
Well each time I'm at Jane's I see her computer logged on so she must be on line all the time and reads her emails - she perhaps is being selective in whom she responds to etc ... I don't know. I've heard other people say that Jane responds back to them really fast.
I have lots else to share but my mind is blank right now. I'm tired and came home early cos my vision was really bothering me. Each time I blinked, my vision blurred and I just couldn't do any work cos it was distracting. I wanted to come home and use ice packs on my eyes and just get some rest and palm my eyes.
I've also been eating lots (eeek!) and am sure I've put on 3-4 pounds in 6 weeks! Especially cos I haven't exercised!
Old friends have cropped back up on the scene whom I haven't seen for years and I'm noting the changes in me ie healthier responses and interactions with them etc (smiles). Onward with the next set of lessons life says :) ...
I have been thinking about my next surgery ie the mucosal mouth graft to my lower eyelids (if I need it) and thought and felt to myself lately that my body right now feels it can't take anymore surgery or rather my eyes don't feel up to it, and nor does my head, with all that itchiness going on my head and eyes and I feel like a mess - I don't know how people can cope with multiple surgeries - my hat off to them - bravo!!! Especially on these Extreme Makeover Shows! I had originally been thinking maybe I could wait 6 months and have surgery in December this year but I dunno ... then I was thinking I'd be happy to wait 9 months until Easter next year ie March 2007 when my body has had time to recuperate and recover more. It's just a thought ... I could feel better in a few weeks and feel up to and ready for a December surgery (if needed). It all depends on what Jane says as well. I'll follow my instincts and see what my body tells me. I'm sure I didn't feel this way after my brow lift ie that I didn't feel ready for another surgery; so this feeling that I have been having surprises me. Perhaps it's the itchiness of both my head and eyes and it feels overwhelming and too much for me right now. Not being able to rub my eyes drives me crazy (argh! :))
Some of the bankers in the office I believe suspect that I had eye surgery when I was away on hols (and one of my own bankers personally suspected it and mentioned it before I went away cos I was taking so long off) as I got questioned today by one of my other bankers I work for about my eyes cos I had to take that week off work after my hols. I just evaded his questions as best I could and he kinda bought it but he still suspects, which is fine - it just means they're good at putting two and two together. I just don't want to tell them cos they'll judge and they won't understand. I'm back in touch with an old friend I haven't seen for 8 years and I won't tell her anything about my surgeries cos she won't understand and she'll only judge and/or will never let me forget it etc and will gossip and tell others ... hello?!!!! ERgh!
Monday, July 10, 2006
Mon 10th July 06 : 5 weeks post surgery
I'm bummed that I didn't get a chance to post over the weekend - I was just way too busy and tired. Am still feeling off sorts.
In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.
My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.
My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.
I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.
My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.
My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)
This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...
In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.
My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.
My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.
I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.
My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.
My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)
This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...
Mon 10th July 06 : 5 weeks post surgery
I'm bummed that I didn't get a chance to post over the weekend - I was just way too busy and tired. Am still feeling off sorts.
In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.
My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.
My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.
I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.
My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.
My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)
This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...
In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.
My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.
My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.
I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.
My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.
My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)
This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Thurs 6th July 06 : One month 3 days post op
Today was a tough day to wake up and I struggled out of bed!! :)
My hair is behaving itself even though my scalp is still itchy and sore in some places from the Y-V endo brow lift 6 months ago and I can feel the incision lines still which smart, though sensation is good right? My right brow has a minor numb feeling that my left brow area doesn't have in that the left side of my forehad feels normal and my right side feels numbish.
Woke with the usual dry and blurry eyes but it's fine. My right cheek infection is thankfully subsiding and much better today and make up went on much better as it had stopped being so flaky and dry (which when it was, meant that the make up caked and the acne showed up more). I was pleasantly surprised to notice thankfully (as I'd hoped it happen) that as my right cheek infection and swelling is going down, the right lower eyelid hollow isn't as noticeable. When the full swelling of the right cheekbone infection goes down I would be very interested to notice how my right lower eyelid hollow then looks and according to Dr Meronk's site, cheekbones can contribute towards the lower eyelids looking hollow. So fingers and toes crossed that the swelling made the right eyelid hollow look worst than it was (I had hoped previously that this would be the case) whew! I think some hollow will still be there but hoping it'll be minimal enough to live with without being upset like I was a short while ago - I've been going through a whole range of emotions like a yoyo.
My main boss came back from 2 days away from the office today and I hadn't seen him for 4 weeks (whew) and I made the extra effort to go in and talk to him (didn't really want to cos I had been very upset with him before I left and had felt very over worked and under appreciated for many months and had one foot out of the door). Anyway he looked like he'd lost weight and had a sun tan and I mentioned that genuinely as he looked really good and that took his attention away from my eyes cos he was staring at my eyes and about to comment i think on the fact that I'd taken the past 5 days off work but thankfully the subject went to how he looked. I was speaking from the heart and hadn't meant to say anything - it just came out and it flowed and we kept talking on that same subject for a short while and then I changed it to work. It cut the ice and tension that had been there before I left for my hols as I think he knew that I was not happy and may even have heard from the grapevine that I wanted to leave (though I had said this to him before I left for hols anyway though not the reason why). And I know he would be sore to see me go cos I'm very good at my job and a good person to run the engine room (smiles).
Anyway it felt good to make peace with him though towards mid afternoon the stress of being back at work kicked in with the expense clerks demanding Out of Policies for his travel and being overly difficult and unhelpful per usual and I though oh no, the peace and tranquil of not being in the office has not lasted long and I'm back in the toil of things again so soon! I must start my yoga this weekend to keep up the tranquil feeling of being away from the office and not letting office stress get to me ie in being overworked and overwhelmed.
I liked how my eyes looked in the ladies again today which was a nice feeling. My left lower eyelid retraction didn't bother me too much and my fringe helped hide it. My hair straightend up well and I had comments that my hair looked great from the girl at work who knows I had eye surgery though didn't know I wore a wig. She said I didn't need hair extensions (as I told her it was hair extensions instead of a wig) and that my hair looked great as it is! Whew! I'm grateful for Nourkrin as hair has grown in places I never thought it could grow!
Someone who bumped into me in the ladies said I looked tired and I was surprised that it didn't bother me as I liked how my eyes looked (today anyway) and if she thought I looked tired, then wahoo for her (smiles). WOW!!! I had again no eye make up on and couldn't really care as I felt my eyes looked fine as they were!
Towards the end of the day my lower eyelid incisions started caking up a little under the little make up I had and it looked weird. Thank god I had my fringe to cover my left eye and my glasses cos my left lower eyelid incision and lump looked ikky and cakey under the make up and it was obvious it is a scar though no one was looking - whew! If they did question, I could always say it was the conjunctivitis!
My hair is behaving itself even though my scalp is still itchy and sore in some places from the Y-V endo brow lift 6 months ago and I can feel the incision lines still which smart, though sensation is good right? My right brow has a minor numb feeling that my left brow area doesn't have in that the left side of my forehad feels normal and my right side feels numbish.
Woke with the usual dry and blurry eyes but it's fine. My right cheek infection is thankfully subsiding and much better today and make up went on much better as it had stopped being so flaky and dry (which when it was, meant that the make up caked and the acne showed up more). I was pleasantly surprised to notice thankfully (as I'd hoped it happen) that as my right cheek infection and swelling is going down, the right lower eyelid hollow isn't as noticeable. When the full swelling of the right cheekbone infection goes down I would be very interested to notice how my right lower eyelid hollow then looks and according to Dr Meronk's site, cheekbones can contribute towards the lower eyelids looking hollow. So fingers and toes crossed that the swelling made the right eyelid hollow look worst than it was (I had hoped previously that this would be the case) whew! I think some hollow will still be there but hoping it'll be minimal enough to live with without being upset like I was a short while ago - I've been going through a whole range of emotions like a yoyo.
My main boss came back from 2 days away from the office today and I hadn't seen him for 4 weeks (whew) and I made the extra effort to go in and talk to him (didn't really want to cos I had been very upset with him before I left and had felt very over worked and under appreciated for many months and had one foot out of the door). Anyway he looked like he'd lost weight and had a sun tan and I mentioned that genuinely as he looked really good and that took his attention away from my eyes cos he was staring at my eyes and about to comment i think on the fact that I'd taken the past 5 days off work but thankfully the subject went to how he looked. I was speaking from the heart and hadn't meant to say anything - it just came out and it flowed and we kept talking on that same subject for a short while and then I changed it to work. It cut the ice and tension that had been there before I left for my hols as I think he knew that I was not happy and may even have heard from the grapevine that I wanted to leave (though I had said this to him before I left for hols anyway though not the reason why). And I know he would be sore to see me go cos I'm very good at my job and a good person to run the engine room (smiles).
Anyway it felt good to make peace with him though towards mid afternoon the stress of being back at work kicked in with the expense clerks demanding Out of Policies for his travel and being overly difficult and unhelpful per usual and I though oh no, the peace and tranquil of not being in the office has not lasted long and I'm back in the toil of things again so soon! I must start my yoga this weekend to keep up the tranquil feeling of being away from the office and not letting office stress get to me ie in being overworked and overwhelmed.
I liked how my eyes looked in the ladies again today which was a nice feeling. My left lower eyelid retraction didn't bother me too much and my fringe helped hide it. My hair straightend up well and I had comments that my hair looked great from the girl at work who knows I had eye surgery though didn't know I wore a wig. She said I didn't need hair extensions (as I told her it was hair extensions instead of a wig) and that my hair looked great as it is! Whew! I'm grateful for Nourkrin as hair has grown in places I never thought it could grow!
Someone who bumped into me in the ladies said I looked tired and I was surprised that it didn't bother me as I liked how my eyes looked (today anyway) and if she thought I looked tired, then wahoo for her (smiles). WOW!!! I had again no eye make up on and couldn't really care as I felt my eyes looked fine as they were!
Towards the end of the day my lower eyelid incisions started caking up a little under the little make up I had and it looked weird. Thank god I had my fringe to cover my left eye and my glasses cos my left lower eyelid incision and lump looked ikky and cakey under the make up and it was obvious it is a scar though no one was looking - whew! If they did question, I could always say it was the conjunctivitis!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Weds 5th July 06 : One month 2 days post op
I went back to work today feeling nervous about the kind of reception I'd receive. It was fine (whew!) as work had been slow and one of the other assistants in the team had also been off ill. I had a fair amount of questions from various members of the group about what was wrong and I talked through it as best I could honestly. As I have ongoing problems with my eyes, no one raised their eyebrows too much and if anyone did, it may have been my imagination running a little wild. Even I do question sometimes when anyone calls in sick as to how genuinely sick they are - just a natural curiousity more than anything else though I say good for them :)
It was thankfully fairly low key today and I spent a fair amount of the morning on the phone calling up my insurance company as during the thunderstorms yesterday I discovered a leak in my back window (eek) and need to sort that out fairly fast - and cos I was on the phone, it gave me quiet time ie when people came in, they went straight to their desks and worked instead of stopping to talk to me cos I was on the phone - this was a relief (smiles) and was my intention as well as I didn't want to be the focus of attention like last week.
As Jane mentioned, my eyes are itchy (ergh) especially at the sides and felt dry even though I'd used lubricant and didn't use eye make up (sounds like I'm a car engine or something (grins).
Going back to the topic of months ago that people who felt sorry for me would flick at their eyes when they looked at my left eye lower lump, well today one of the other assistants kept flicking at her cheek (same side to mine mirror wise) ie my right is her left exactly where my infection is and acne. She kept rubbing it like she wanted to heal itc. It did bother me for a bit but I let it go - we were having a conversation and she kept doing that ie flicking at her left cheek and I just stopped mid conversation and got side tracked and had to really focus to get back on track again.
Then later she did it with her left eye (my right eyelid (lower) has a small lump on it) and she was flicking at exactly that same area. It's interesting :). And there are no such things as coincidences ! :)
My eyes didn't look too bad in the ladies which was a good thing cos my heart would have sunk. I had to have a tooth filling just before going home and the anaesthesia is just about wearing off and the ache and pain starting to be felt - ergh. I'm loathe to take painkillers and may just let it ache. He had to give me three extra shots of anaesthesia as I kept feeling the pain when he started drilling. I'm very sensitive.
All in all a good day today. No one noticed my eyes too much cos my fringe thankfully managed to cover up a lot them as did my glasses - even thou a couple of them tried to do a close up look to see this eye infection I was supposed to have had. I told them that I had vision problems as well which was true as my vision was blurry for days as well as hot' teary eyes which again was true as I had that too and that I needed to go to A&E which was true though I didn't say exactly why. I would have told them if asked further that it was re a stitch I'd found but no one asked further. I said to one of my bosses I was more than happy to spend half an hour discussing my eye ailments but that he'd most likely find it very boring! :)
Another 10 hour day and I'm feeling exhausted. I thought I'd get this down as if not, I'd never get it down. My eyes behaved today and I'm pleased. They did feel dry and tight at the ends and itchy but it was fine. My head from the endo brow lift still itches and is sore and I keep tapping the top of my head like I used to when I was wearing the wig - it's an automatic reaction. When I do rub my scalp, I can feel the incision lines and the grooves in my head - there are areas that feel lumpy.
It was thankfully fairly low key today and I spent a fair amount of the morning on the phone calling up my insurance company as during the thunderstorms yesterday I discovered a leak in my back window (eek) and need to sort that out fairly fast - and cos I was on the phone, it gave me quiet time ie when people came in, they went straight to their desks and worked instead of stopping to talk to me cos I was on the phone - this was a relief (smiles) and was my intention as well as I didn't want to be the focus of attention like last week.
As Jane mentioned, my eyes are itchy (ergh) especially at the sides and felt dry even though I'd used lubricant and didn't use eye make up (sounds like I'm a car engine or something (grins).
Going back to the topic of months ago that people who felt sorry for me would flick at their eyes when they looked at my left eye lower lump, well today one of the other assistants kept flicking at her cheek (same side to mine mirror wise) ie my right is her left exactly where my infection is and acne. She kept rubbing it like she wanted to heal itc. It did bother me for a bit but I let it go - we were having a conversation and she kept doing that ie flicking at her left cheek and I just stopped mid conversation and got side tracked and had to really focus to get back on track again.
Then later she did it with her left eye (my right eyelid (lower) has a small lump on it) and she was flicking at exactly that same area. It's interesting :). And there are no such things as coincidences ! :)
My eyes didn't look too bad in the ladies which was a good thing cos my heart would have sunk. I had to have a tooth filling just before going home and the anaesthesia is just about wearing off and the ache and pain starting to be felt - ergh. I'm loathe to take painkillers and may just let it ache. He had to give me three extra shots of anaesthesia as I kept feeling the pain when he started drilling. I'm very sensitive.
All in all a good day today. No one noticed my eyes too much cos my fringe thankfully managed to cover up a lot them as did my glasses - even thou a couple of them tried to do a close up look to see this eye infection I was supposed to have had. I told them that I had vision problems as well which was true as my vision was blurry for days as well as hot' teary eyes which again was true as I had that too and that I needed to go to A&E which was true though I didn't say exactly why. I would have told them if asked further that it was re a stitch I'd found but no one asked further. I said to one of my bosses I was more than happy to spend half an hour discussing my eye ailments but that he'd most likely find it very boring! :)
Another 10 hour day and I'm feeling exhausted. I thought I'd get this down as if not, I'd never get it down. My eyes behaved today and I'm pleased. They did feel dry and tight at the ends and itchy but it was fine. My head from the endo brow lift still itches and is sore and I keep tapping the top of my head like I used to when I was wearing the wig - it's an automatic reaction. When I do rub my scalp, I can feel the incision lines and the grooves in my head - there are areas that feel lumpy.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Tues 4th July 06
Hey it's Independence Day today! :) I assume it's a public holiday then in the US?
I've been awake a few hours and my eyesight is just so blurry - it's so difficult to see. My left eye is especially worst. I wonder if it's cos the eye muscle or I think it's called the orbicularis is bruised or whatever - I read that somewhere. My eyes feel tight in the eye socket and it's hard to move around - like the space is all constricted. It's getting better but it surely feels weird. It feels that my eyes don't belong to me or there's something not quite right. The heat isn't helping. I feel feverish as well.
Good news is that my right cheek infection is finally healing fast with all the extra help I've been doing to help it along (I won't go into detail). It will probably take another week or two to fully heal but the main swelling has gone down and the acne is less and I can probably cover it up comfortably with make up and camouflage now. The area is very red though - about the size of half my palm.
I've taken today off as well and will return to work tomorrow. It'll have been 5 working days that I've taken off work and I'm concerned about it too but my health and peace of mind is important and when I do go back, it'll be hard core working. I have to let the office go while I'm at home and tomorrow I'll resume the role of looking after that engine room again - till then, they'll have to manage without me. With my eyes so blurry today, it would be hell at work today - as it is I have difficulty seeing my laptop screen. I have been in the house all week since last Weds and haven't been out to the shops and there's no food in the house cos I haven't felt up to going out.
My thrush is also back (sniffles). A month post surgery yesterday and my thrush returns. I'm using the Manuka Oil which helped last time. It's very uncomfortable and painful. My personal beliefs are in holistic healing and I personally choose not to purchase any conventional medicine from the chemist though understand most folk would. I believe very much in holistic healing.
I've been awake a few hours and my eyesight is just so blurry - it's so difficult to see. My left eye is especially worst. I wonder if it's cos the eye muscle or I think it's called the orbicularis is bruised or whatever - I read that somewhere. My eyes feel tight in the eye socket and it's hard to move around - like the space is all constricted. It's getting better but it surely feels weird. It feels that my eyes don't belong to me or there's something not quite right. The heat isn't helping. I feel feverish as well.
Good news is that my right cheek infection is finally healing fast with all the extra help I've been doing to help it along (I won't go into detail). It will probably take another week or two to fully heal but the main swelling has gone down and the acne is less and I can probably cover it up comfortably with make up and camouflage now. The area is very red though - about the size of half my palm.
I've taken today off as well and will return to work tomorrow. It'll have been 5 working days that I've taken off work and I'm concerned about it too but my health and peace of mind is important and when I do go back, it'll be hard core working. I have to let the office go while I'm at home and tomorrow I'll resume the role of looking after that engine room again - till then, they'll have to manage without me. With my eyes so blurry today, it would be hell at work today - as it is I have difficulty seeing my laptop screen. I have been in the house all week since last Weds and haven't been out to the shops and there's no food in the house cos I haven't felt up to going out.
My thrush is also back (sniffles). A month post surgery yesterday and my thrush returns. I'm using the Manuka Oil which helped last time. It's very uncomfortable and painful. My personal beliefs are in holistic healing and I personally choose not to purchase any conventional medicine from the chemist though understand most folk would. I believe very much in holistic healing.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Getting the rogue stitch out at A&E - Mon 3rd July 06
I had a restless night and probably only slept an hour. Woke at 5ish and got ready to go to Accident & Emergency at the Eye Hospital. It took a while to get my make up on cos I couldn't camouflage the infection on my right cheek plus acne properly and the make up kept caking and it looked awful and obvious just exactly what I was camouflaging. My heart sank when I realised it looked just stupid and I tried to part my hair differently so that the hair would fall over my right cheek and cover the swollen cheek infection and acne - well it works until the wind blows and/or I move my head and/or talk (sighs). There was nothing else I could do.I left work a voicemail and texted one of my bosses and made my way to the station. It cost £7.20 to get a train to London (return) - ouch! The journey was long as the train kept sitting on the tracks and went into Cannon Street; where I had to wait for the Circle Line which took ages to get there; and also kept waiting on the tracks. I eventually go to A&E at the eye hospital at around 11am.
I waited a few mins in the sweltering heat in reception for the man in front of me to get seen and then I spoke to the receptionist. I was really lucky in that Jane Olver's Registrar was at the reception at the same time and overhead my conversation with the receptionist. He introduced himself and said he'd see to me straight away. I was so pleased and felt blessed as I had arrived, prepared to wait for hours before I got seen by anyone and the queue was really long. Everyone looked hot and tired and like they themselves had already waited for hours.
Jane's Registrar was really nice and I told him my plight and how I'd pulled at a stitch I'd found in my upper eyelid crease which was still like an open wound and how it bled a little and wouldn't budge anymore and that I was concerned I may have done some damage etc. He examined me and said I was fine (whew!). He then took his scissors and clippers and snipped away the stitch. I don't think he pulled anything out - and just snipped away what was on the outside. He said the rest was dissolvable and would dissolve on it's own at some point.
When I took my sunglasses and hat off, he immediately recognised the operation I'd had, and said ptosis repair and bleph and I told him he was good :). I did mention the fat transfer though he couldn't see that (I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not - could be good if he thinks my uppers are normally like that though not so good re the lowers(?)). I did say that the lowers hadn't taken and that the lowers had had fat repositioning instead and the right was a bit hollow.
It literally took 5 mins and I was out of there, and I was so pleased and felt really lucky - whew! It was such a hot day and the heat was too much for me. I made my way home, got the right connections and happened to bump into my mothers who was at the post office on the way back from the station.
Anyway I got home and the heat is getting to me. As it is I feel not right inside - I can't quite put my finger on it. Everything changes all the time, just the slightest changes and I eventually took a look at my eye and also the pictures I took this morning. The stitch sticking out of my outer eye looks like a bee sting sticking out (grins) of my eyelid crease. Then I looked at a picture with flash on of both my eyes and (sniffles) that set me back a few steps and I felt really upset and spiralled down again with my heart sinking into the pits of my stomach. With that and my right cheek infection and acne and pus everywhere, it's very depressing and feels just like I'm back at square one even though I know how very far I've come. Life just doesn't feel worth living (I had that flash moment with that feeling and it's an awful feeling) - like heck where does that come from? It's a hopeless desolate feeling that nothing can be done and to accept one's fate of doom and gloom ....
Jane did warn me that after the first 3 weeks, I'd need another 3 weeks to get over the recovery of the first three weeks and that it would be tough. I didn't know what she meant and the first few days after my op I felt fine and like everything was normal and then things spiralled when I got sick from the antibiotics and I think things haven't quite been the same since and I haven't quite recovered and things, like my eyes, change constantly.
It is what it is and I'm riding out the storm - that's all I can do. I hope it ends soon cos I feel sea sick ...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Sunday 2nd July 06
Slept like a baby last nite, being it's my last nite before returning to work full time tomorrow (though I did return this week for one day). The sleep is healing all round though I did wake up and my left outer eye has suffered from a little keratitis and smarts and is sore when I blink (keratitis being inflamation of the cornea).
Rubbing the antibiotics on my incision lines feels sore and smarts each time I do it no matter how gently I try to rub the ointment on. When I massage the lower outer eyelid as Jane suggests I feel the lumps inside - whatever they are - one most likely being stitches inside as it feels the same on the right outer eye, and the other being the lump that's been there for ages. The area just feels very bruised and sensitive when I massage it and I try to do it very gently.
Today just blinking smarts even though my eyes are moist (well they have a few tears right now cos England lost the quarter finals yesterday and I just read the news on them (sniffles).). It was a devastating match to watch the penalty shoot out.
My right cheek infection is healing thankfully though it's still swollen with those two acne cysts on them - looking like a volcano. I need to look presentable tomorrow in case I get called in for the interview I applied for just before I went on holiday to another group. I can't go to an interview with my face looking like quasimodo and I need to be all suited and booted and ready to go and give my best presentation. Oooh dear, just thinking about it, I'm not going to be wearing any eye make up all next week as I'll be still using the antibiotic cream on my eyelids (upper and lower) - ah well - if I do go for an interview, he'll just have to think I'm a simple girl that doesn't wear much make up and/or I'll just tell him I have an eye infection and bring it into the conversation :) - oh geez! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade (smiles).
Last nite as my eyes felt so swollen and sore plus my infection on right cheek, I got out my ice pack and iced my eyes and my right cheek and ooooooooohhhh, it felt soooo wonderful and soothing and especially on my right cheek and it seemed to help with the swelling on my right cheek as well so I'm going to continue icing my eyes and my right cheek today. I didn't think that at almost 4 weeks my eyes would need icing - interesting :). It's wonderful :).
I went to see my mother yesterday to pick up some stuff and asked how my eyes looked. She said they looked swollen, and that she could see the lower eyelid retraction and the right eye hollow. I didn't ask her to go into detail as I think she was taking it all in and just kept looking at my eyes :) - and also no doubt the right cheek infection which I didn't talk to her about cos I didn't want to talk about it - ergh. The cysts on the right cheek infection are incredibly painful.
Nourkrin
I'm past the 5 month mark on using Nourkin, the hair thinning product, and I'm sure it's made a lot of difference as my hair is usually very thin and it's definitely much thicker and has helped my peace of mind with my hair loss on the scalp from the Y-V endo brow lift. My right side incision on scalp has healed in that the hair loss has grown back but the incision on the center and left side of the scalp are still growing; more so on the left side then the center, which is sore to touch still and I can see where the incision are still as they are white with no hair growing properly or if it has, it is only a little and it doesn't have that baby hair growth that my left side incision area has. I tend to keep my hair parted on the right now and not look at the other areas too much. I mean I did look at it a couple of weeks ago and tried to part it on my left (which I've done my whole life) but the hair is still growing and has baby hairs and the hair sticks up straight and won't lie flat (bah) so it's a no go zone for now.
I am considering purchasing the Nourkrin maintenance programme which one has to do for another 6 months after using the Nourkrin grow for 6 months. Though I will not be buying it cheaply from the original place I bought it from, from the internet for £100 cheaper as when the package arrived, most of the boxes were squashed and the contents of the Nourkrin had split open - it was too troublesome to return the whole package to ask for another. All in all about 2-3 packets in total were damaged. That's a lot of money. Damaged in the sense that because they'd been squashed the foil they were covered in, was split open and the air had gotten into the supplement, and it turned a different colour.
My hair is growing long and fast and my fringe has grown about 10cm since my last hair cut and I haven't cut my hair since - I'm fine with it as it is now as it hides my left eye cos it's so long which is a perk. I may take a pix of my fringe covering my left eye next week or so when I feel better ie when the pain is less from my infection etc.
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Update : When I washed my face earlier, I was putting the antibiotical ointment on my eyelids and decided to pluck a few stray eyebrows. I noticed the black line again on one of the open woulds where the upper eyelid stitches were on my left eye and decided to clean it. It turned out to be a stitch and so I eergh, dug it up and pulled it out. Oh dear, it came out some and then wouldn't budge and needed to be cut. My heart was pounding thinking oh shit, what have I done. I cut it in half and pulled again thinking ok it's probably the same as when I pulled out the lower right eye stitches. Wrong! It came out a little and then wouldn't budge. I pulled a little harder and it wouldn't budge. I was too scared to pull anymore as it seemed sewn in to something inside my eyebrow. I felt really scared and decided to call Jane. Thankfully I found her number. She was in France and isn't back till Weds.
I described what had happened and Jane said that she wouldn't recommend stitches be removed by anyone other than someone medically trained and suggested I either go to the nearest eye hospital casualty department or wait for her to return on Weds. I'm not sure if I can wait that long as the stitch is quite long and I'm scared I may have done damage (oh dear). I tried to ring Moorfields Hospital but no one is answering or rather I get a message that they are closed. I think I'll go to the Western Eye Hospital casualty tomorrow and wait for them to see me. And if they can't take care of my eye, then I'll wait to see Jane on Weds.
I told Jane that my eyes have been dry since the stitches came out and they have been suffering from mild keratitis since and gave her a mini update. She was calm as usual (smiles). I'm having a mini heart attack here that I did something wrong ie in pulling the stitches out. Hey I didn't think I'd have stitches in my upper eyelids still!! Oh my! My heart is pounding. I just hope I haven't done anything wrong. I'll need to call in to work tomorrow to tell them I'm going to casualty. Jane said I could wait a few hours - that's fine with me - I'd rather do that than go to work feeling nervous for the next few days.
I could calm down later and change my mind though I think I'd be more comfortable and have peace of mind if a nurse etc looked at my eye / stitch and told me all was ok. I just hope they don't have to open me up or anything cos the stitch seems firmly embedded like it's sewn on to my bone - that's how it felt when I tugged at it. Oh my gawd, what have I done?!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Depressed (Sat 1st July 06)
I'm feeling depressed - more so than normal. I took a video of my eyes yesterday and at certain angles when the light catches my face, because of my right lower eyelid hollow, my face just looks old and skeletal and the swollen right cheekbone from that acne infection doesn't help as it adds to the hollow. And the left eye retraction doesn't help. I just hate looking at myself in the mirror when the light catches the right lower eyelid hollow as I look like I'm 60 years old. It's heartbreaking.
I'm 41 years old, single and how am I supposed to hold my head up high and feel attractive to another man when I feel I look like a 60 year old skeletal person's face? It's depressing. A woman needs to feel attractive - we all do, no matter whether we're single and/or in an existing married relationship.
I don't even know what to think right now. I feel very upset, depressed and disappointed that the lower eyelid fat transfer didn't take place as expected and that Jane instead chose to do the moving of fat around (whatever that's called) and while it seemed to work on the left eye, it got worst on the right lower eyelid as that hollow was never there before and I'm confused as to what went wrong? Is it cos it's early days yet? How can that be if my left lower has been fine from the get go ie straight after the surgery?
I'm hoping once the swelling of the right cheekbone goes down that the right eye lower hollow won't look so bad. While I am happy when I look at my eyes and look at my uppers and like what I see, when the sunlight catches my face and/or the normal light in the house / mirror catches my eyes, my hollows and retraction are not very pleasant to look at. I look like I've aged 20 years.
I wish I could stay at home and heal while my face and eyes heal themselves over the next few weeks/months and just become a hermit but no, I have to face the world and the public next Monday; and lots of them at that as I've got the reiki charity days to sort out, more yoga workshops to organise for the next coming months, people to meet up with and promote etc etc and my face is the first thing they say. How do confident you think I'll feel with my left lower eyelid retraction and right eye hollow? (sniffles).
Fingers crossed that this is only temporary and that the next few days/weeks, something will shift and I'll be able to look a little bit normal ie what that right cheek infection goes down. My heart is very disappointed and sad. (sniffles) and I can't talk to my friends and I get frustrated sometimes cos I have to put on a pretend happy front to them when I'm feeling bruised and sore in my eyes and my infection hurts and I feel ikky inside.
The photos shared on here do not reflect what my eyes and face look like in real life, in 3D and in motion, with the light shining and with the eyes moving around and blinking. The photos only show a still shot of me looking forward. I'd need another person to take a video of my eyes while I'm talking and my eyes are moving around and blinking etc for you to get a true life picture and idea and well that ain't gonna happen as no one knows I've had this done and while I can video myself it's difficult to get the angle that I need to capture the appropriate video to show you guys and I haven't got the time to do all that's necessary.
When I blink or close my eyes, my left eye feels strange and different to my right eye and has done for a while (I think the sensation was there from my last surgery and I'm not sure if it was there before that - it may have been - I can't remember). My left eye feels it takes longer to close and it takes more effort. I did an experiment today and if I hold up my left lower eyelid with my finger and close my eyes, there is no pressure and it feels normal to close my eyes as it doesn't have far to go (this is what Jane said some time ago). Because the lower left eyelid is retracted, it has more of a distance to go to blink and/or close the eyes.
Because of this strange feeling whenever I blink, my left eye just feels weird all the time and like it doesn't belong to me and feels alien. How long will this feeling last? Will it go away if I have my mouth graft?
Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of all the surgeries my eyes have gone through and it's like geez I hope my eyes will heal from this surgery as this one feels different - in that my eyes feel fat and the muscles ache. I can't even remember if my eyes felt this bad after my Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction. Sometimes I think geez I hope I don't have irrepairable damage that can't be fixed as I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life looking like this and/or not able to close my left eye properly for the rest of my life.
I'm 41 years old, single and how am I supposed to hold my head up high and feel attractive to another man when I feel I look like a 60 year old skeletal person's face? It's depressing. A woman needs to feel attractive - we all do, no matter whether we're single and/or in an existing married relationship.
I don't even know what to think right now. I feel very upset, depressed and disappointed that the lower eyelid fat transfer didn't take place as expected and that Jane instead chose to do the moving of fat around (whatever that's called) and while it seemed to work on the left eye, it got worst on the right lower eyelid as that hollow was never there before and I'm confused as to what went wrong? Is it cos it's early days yet? How can that be if my left lower has been fine from the get go ie straight after the surgery?
I'm hoping once the swelling of the right cheekbone goes down that the right eye lower hollow won't look so bad. While I am happy when I look at my eyes and look at my uppers and like what I see, when the sunlight catches my face and/or the normal light in the house / mirror catches my eyes, my hollows and retraction are not very pleasant to look at. I look like I've aged 20 years.
I wish I could stay at home and heal while my face and eyes heal themselves over the next few weeks/months and just become a hermit but no, I have to face the world and the public next Monday; and lots of them at that as I've got the reiki charity days to sort out, more yoga workshops to organise for the next coming months, people to meet up with and promote etc etc and my face is the first thing they say. How do confident you think I'll feel with my left lower eyelid retraction and right eye hollow? (sniffles).
Fingers crossed that this is only temporary and that the next few days/weeks, something will shift and I'll be able to look a little bit normal ie what that right cheek infection goes down. My heart is very disappointed and sad. (sniffles) and I can't talk to my friends and I get frustrated sometimes cos I have to put on a pretend happy front to them when I'm feeling bruised and sore in my eyes and my infection hurts and I feel ikky inside.
The photos shared on here do not reflect what my eyes and face look like in real life, in 3D and in motion, with the light shining and with the eyes moving around and blinking. The photos only show a still shot of me looking forward. I'd need another person to take a video of my eyes while I'm talking and my eyes are moving around and blinking etc for you to get a true life picture and idea and well that ain't gonna happen as no one knows I've had this done and while I can video myself it's difficult to get the angle that I need to capture the appropriate video to show you guys and I haven't got the time to do all that's necessary.
When I blink or close my eyes, my left eye feels strange and different to my right eye and has done for a while (I think the sensation was there from my last surgery and I'm not sure if it was there before that - it may have been - I can't remember). My left eye feels it takes longer to close and it takes more effort. I did an experiment today and if I hold up my left lower eyelid with my finger and close my eyes, there is no pressure and it feels normal to close my eyes as it doesn't have far to go (this is what Jane said some time ago). Because the lower left eyelid is retracted, it has more of a distance to go to blink and/or close the eyes.
Because of this strange feeling whenever I blink, my left eye just feels weird all the time and like it doesn't belong to me and feels alien. How long will this feeling last? Will it go away if I have my mouth graft?
Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of all the surgeries my eyes have gone through and it's like geez I hope my eyes will heal from this surgery as this one feels different - in that my eyes feel fat and the muscles ache. I can't even remember if my eyes felt this bad after my Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction. Sometimes I think geez I hope I don't have irrepairable damage that can't be fixed as I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life looking like this and/or not able to close my left eye properly for the rest of my life.
Close up pictures
Sat 1st July 06 - right eye close up (3 weeks 4 days post surgery)There's a lump on the lower lid that is a bit worrying - I hope it's something that goes away. I noticed it being there from when the stitches were removed. Hasn't gone away in a week. The hollow shows better from different angles and when the cheekbone can be seen..
Saturday 1st July 06 - 3 weeks 4 days post surgery Left eye close up.
Saturday 1st July 06 - 3 weeks 4 days post surgery Left eye close up. Cyst on outer upper eyelid is still there a litle bit and you can see the incision line on the lower lid going all the way to outside the eye. There are red incision lines healing on the uppers but you can't see them in the picture cos of the upper crease. The left lower lid retraction looks bad from different angles than looking sraight ahead. I don't have time toe xperiment with taking various shots to show the retraction and difference in eyes. I videoed myelf today and it was upsetting to see the difference as I looked like I had a squint because of the lower lid retraction. I felt disfigured and was in tears inside (my heart broke). But it's nothing new in this journey since the original butcher bleph (sniffles).
Sat 1st July 2006
1am on Saturday 1st July 2006 - wow - it's July already :) Amazing! The whole of June has gone past and it was all taken up and still is, with my eye recovery.
I didn't realise it would take this long. The past 3 days my eyes have felt ikkier than before ie just heavy and bruised on the sides and sore and painful to touch. I have to touch the incisions on top and bottom to use the antibiotical ointment that Jane gave me to use on the incision lines and when I rub the ointment on the lines ever so gently, they ache and are tender as they feel so bruised which surprised me at this stage. Perhaps it's cos my stitches only came out a week ago, ie last Friday. I dunno. I just feel like I've been in recovery with my eyes forever now especially as my vision is so blurry as well and I can't do much at home and am limited in what I can do because of my blurry vision and not being able to bend down too much (arrgh!). It's an emotional rollercoaster ride. Jane did say this to me before surgery; and the weblinks that I found on the steroids I had to take and the antibiotics also did warn that the side effects of the steroids I took (even thou it was only for 4 days) was emotional ie mood swings etc.
I am energy sensitive and feel things more than the normal person especially being a reiki master and a tantrika (working with the body's energies) and I don't drink nor smoke and am very much in tune with my body holistically. This could be why I'm feeling things more and they affect me more. The normal person won't understand much about cathathic methods or healing and it could potentially scare them and/or bring up their own issues. Being in touch with one's emotions is scary work, as is tantra work - it involves going deep within and acknowledging what's inside. That's just a brief insight into catarthic work. A reminder that I'm also a Hoffman Graduate http://www.hoffmaninstitute.com, a lightworker, a Karuna and Usui Reiki Master teacher and practitioner, practice Hatha Yoga, Tantra Kriya Yoga, Chakra Yoga, run reiki and hoffman support groups both at home and other support groups on the net and have done for years. I'm 41 years old and have retired mostly from my new age support groups though have a couple of other ones running low key. I am also a Type 9 on the Enneagram, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com which is the Peacemaker and one whom does not like conflict. A bit of trivia, the Dalai Lama and Keanu Reeves are also a Type 9 on the Enneagram. And I have been a student of metaphysics for almost 20 years, my teachers being Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Siegel, Shakti Gawain, Thich Nhat Han, John Bradshaw, Denise Linn, Wayne Dyer and many many more, and I've taken lots of new age workshops over the years. A bit of my background.
I am a student of life and like to learn from all experiences that happen as we are all student and teacher to each other at any moment. Remember we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The normal human being who hasn't done much healing work on themselves will not understand much of what is said above as they are on their own individual healing journey and are young souls. I'm an old soul with harder lessons. Everything that is happening to me is happening at the right time, space and sequence for me and for all who cross my path. There's a wonderful story to share on this called "I've sent you nothing but angels".
A Children’s Parable
Adapted from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
Once upon no time there was a Little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am!" And God said, "That’s wonderful! Who are you?" And the Little Soul shouted, "I am the light!" God smiled a big smile. "That’s right!" God exclaimed. "You are the light." The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out. "Wow", said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"
But soon knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now it wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not such a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said, "Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?" And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already are?" "Well," replied the Little Soul, "its one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it’s like to be the Light!"
"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again. "Yes, but I want to see what it feels like!" cried the Little Soul. "Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one." Then God’s expression changed. "There’s only one thing…" "What?" asked the Little Soul. "Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there’s nothing that you are not." "Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.
"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you’re there all right. Along with a million, ka-jillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the Sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of it’s candles… and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light – that is the question." Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you’re God. Think of something!" Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we’ll surround you with darkness."
"What is darkness?" the Little Soul asked. God replied, "It is that which you are not." "Will I be afraid in the dark?" cried the Little Soul. "Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending." "Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.
Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It’s a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then." "And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don’t be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and others will know, too. Let your Light so shine that everyone will know how special you are!"
"You mean it’s okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul. "Of course!" God chuckled. "It’s very okay! But remember, ‘special’ does not mean ‘better.’ Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."
"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!" "Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul. "What part of special do you want to be?" "What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don’t understand." "Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"
The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!" "Yes," God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That’s what it means to be the Light."
"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called ‘forgiving.’ Isn’t it special to be forgiving?" "Oh yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That’s very special." "Okay," said the Little Soul. "That’s what I want to be, I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that." "Good," said God, "but there’s one thing you should know."
The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication. "What is it?" the Little Soul sighed. "There is no one to forgive." "No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said. "No one!" God repeated. "Everything I’ve made is perfect. There’s not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you." It was then that the Little Soul realized that a large crowd had gathered. Should had come from far and wide – from all over the Kingdom – for word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying.
Looking at the countless souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect that the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them. "Who, then, to forgive? Asked God. "Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as the One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like." And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad.
But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd. "Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you." "You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?" "Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"
"You can?"
"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."
"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you – who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move throughout the Kingdom with the speed of your thought – to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"
"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."The Little Soul seemed surprised by the answer.
"Don’t be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don’t you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don’t remember.
"We have both been All of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, The Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, The Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad – we have both been the victim and the villain of it." "Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained a little further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the ‘bad one’ this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives."
"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"
"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we’ll think of something."
Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."
"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.
"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favor to ask of you in return."
"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"
Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.
"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"
"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember I have sent you nothing but angels!"
And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul’s request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.
"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possibly imagine – in that very moment…"
"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes…?"
The Friendly Soul became quieter still. "Remember Who I Really Am."
"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"
"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you don’t remember me as I Really Am, I may not be able to remember for a long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."
"No, we won’t!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift – the chance to experience myself as Who I Am."
And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness. And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new souls appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness – and especially if it brought sadness – the Little Soul thought of what God had said.
"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."
I didn't realise it would take this long. The past 3 days my eyes have felt ikkier than before ie just heavy and bruised on the sides and sore and painful to touch. I have to touch the incisions on top and bottom to use the antibiotical ointment that Jane gave me to use on the incision lines and when I rub the ointment on the lines ever so gently, they ache and are tender as they feel so bruised which surprised me at this stage. Perhaps it's cos my stitches only came out a week ago, ie last Friday. I dunno. I just feel like I've been in recovery with my eyes forever now especially as my vision is so blurry as well and I can't do much at home and am limited in what I can do because of my blurry vision and not being able to bend down too much (arrgh!). It's an emotional rollercoaster ride. Jane did say this to me before surgery; and the weblinks that I found on the steroids I had to take and the antibiotics also did warn that the side effects of the steroids I took (even thou it was only for 4 days) was emotional ie mood swings etc.
I am energy sensitive and feel things more than the normal person especially being a reiki master and a tantrika (working with the body's energies) and I don't drink nor smoke and am very much in tune with my body holistically. This could be why I'm feeling things more and they affect me more. The normal person won't understand much about cathathic methods or healing and it could potentially scare them and/or bring up their own issues. Being in touch with one's emotions is scary work, as is tantra work - it involves going deep within and acknowledging what's inside. That's just a brief insight into catarthic work. A reminder that I'm also a Hoffman Graduate http://www.hoffmaninstitute.com, a lightworker, a Karuna and Usui Reiki Master teacher and practitioner, practice Hatha Yoga, Tantra Kriya Yoga, Chakra Yoga, run reiki and hoffman support groups both at home and other support groups on the net and have done for years. I'm 41 years old and have retired mostly from my new age support groups though have a couple of other ones running low key. I am also a Type 9 on the Enneagram, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com which is the Peacemaker and one whom does not like conflict. A bit of trivia, the Dalai Lama and Keanu Reeves are also a Type 9 on the Enneagram. And I have been a student of metaphysics for almost 20 years, my teachers being Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Siegel, Shakti Gawain, Thich Nhat Han, John Bradshaw, Denise Linn, Wayne Dyer and many many more, and I've taken lots of new age workshops over the years. A bit of my background.
I am a student of life and like to learn from all experiences that happen as we are all student and teacher to each other at any moment. Remember we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The normal human being who hasn't done much healing work on themselves will not understand much of what is said above as they are on their own individual healing journey and are young souls. I'm an old soul with harder lessons. Everything that is happening to me is happening at the right time, space and sequence for me and for all who cross my path. There's a wonderful story to share on this called "I've sent you nothing but angels".
A Children’s Parable
Adapted from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
Once upon no time there was a Little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am!" And God said, "That’s wonderful! Who are you?" And the Little Soul shouted, "I am the light!" God smiled a big smile. "That’s right!" God exclaimed. "You are the light." The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out. "Wow", said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"
But soon knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now it wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not such a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said, "Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?" And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already are?" "Well," replied the Little Soul, "its one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it’s like to be the Light!"
"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again. "Yes, but I want to see what it feels like!" cried the Little Soul. "Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one." Then God’s expression changed. "There’s only one thing…" "What?" asked the Little Soul. "Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there’s nothing that you are not." "Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.
"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you’re there all right. Along with a million, ka-jillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the Sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of it’s candles… and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light – that is the question." Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you’re God. Think of something!" Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we’ll surround you with darkness."
"What is darkness?" the Little Soul asked. God replied, "It is that which you are not." "Will I be afraid in the dark?" cried the Little Soul. "Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending." "Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.
Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It’s a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then." "And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don’t be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and others will know, too. Let your Light so shine that everyone will know how special you are!"
"You mean it’s okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul. "Of course!" God chuckled. "It’s very okay! But remember, ‘special’ does not mean ‘better.’ Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."
"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!" "Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul. "What part of special do you want to be?" "What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don’t understand." "Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"
The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!" "Yes," God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That’s what it means to be the Light."
"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called ‘forgiving.’ Isn’t it special to be forgiving?" "Oh yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That’s very special." "Okay," said the Little Soul. "That’s what I want to be, I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that." "Good," said God, "but there’s one thing you should know."
The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication. "What is it?" the Little Soul sighed. "There is no one to forgive." "No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said. "No one!" God repeated. "Everything I’ve made is perfect. There’s not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you." It was then that the Little Soul realized that a large crowd had gathered. Should had come from far and wide – from all over the Kingdom – for word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying.
Looking at the countless souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect that the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them. "Who, then, to forgive? Asked God. "Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as the One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like." And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad.
But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd. "Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you." "You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?" "Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"
"You can?"
"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."
"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you – who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move throughout the Kingdom with the speed of your thought – to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"
"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."The Little Soul seemed surprised by the answer.
"Don’t be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don’t you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don’t remember.
"We have both been All of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, The Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, The Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad – we have both been the victim and the villain of it." "Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained a little further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the ‘bad one’ this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives."
"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"
"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we’ll think of something."
Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."
"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.
"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favor to ask of you in return."
"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"
Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.
"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"
"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember I have sent you nothing but angels!"
And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul’s request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.
"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possibly imagine – in that very moment…"
"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes…?"
The Friendly Soul became quieter still. "Remember Who I Really Am."
"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"
"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you don’t remember me as I Really Am, I may not be able to remember for a long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."
"No, we won’t!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift – the chance to experience myself as Who I Am."
And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness. And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new souls appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness – and especially if it brought sadness – the Little Soul thought of what God had said.
"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."
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