Another haircut Sat 22nd April 06

This is rushed - I don't have much time to share and will add to it next week. For the moment I wanted to share the latest pix of my eyes at almost 5 months post surgery (wow, time sure flies!).

I had a good day at work on Friday re my hair which seemed to have settled down (I'll post pixs next week - though have posted them on the MMH board). I even got compliments about my new hair style and most said they didn't realise the difference though knew I had had a hair cut. It's all been a bit overwhelming for me. What's been good is that cos I no longer am wearing the wig, I no longer feel fake and am more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin; though at times I look at myself in the mirror, as I do at home, or when I see pictures taken of my face, I'm reminded that my left eye is still *disfigured*. I try not to pay too much attention to it though there are times when it really stands out and I feel like a freak again (sniffles).

I've certainly been going through every emotion there is to have during the past 15 months or so. 6 weeks to go now before my next reconstruction surgery and I'm starting to feel nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Eeeek!

Here's my pix:






It's not a very good picture in that I couldn't get it to enlargen after I'd cropped it (doh!) and it doesn't show up what I'd like it to show so when I describe what I'm describing below, you probably won't be able to notice it; and th eonly thing noticeable is the left eyelashes and the lower lid droop. During next week I'll aim to get a better picture which is larger in size.

The left upper eyelid crease isn't quite right in that it isn't as prominent as the right upper eyelid; the pix is a bit small but if you look closer you'll see that the left upper eyelashes still don't curl like the right upper eyelashes; and the left lower eyelid droop is still fairly bad - it makes my left eye look deformed at times; and the left outer eyelid lump is still there though since the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction, it is much much better. Or perhaps I'm just getting used to it(?).

Hair cut Thurs 12th April 06 & update

I had been planning this on and off for absolutely ages as I hated my wig so much; and finally I decided and went ahead with my plan of getting my hair cut in Blackheath village. The plan was if the hair cut and style didn't work and my thinning and bald areas from the Y-V endo brow lift were still visible, then I would ask him to cut my wig perhaps so that it looked less like dolls hair and more like human hair and/or perhaps buy a new wig in Thurrock Lakeside that looked more like human hair than a wig/dolls hair.

I walked into the hair salon (I won't mention the name just cos I don't really want to) and it was early in the morning about 9.30am - and the place was empty apart from the owner and another guy, who was a junior hairdresser. The owner, M, was adoring himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and had an air of being in love with himself. He didn't even say hello when he strutted up to me and I had to make the first introduction asking if he was M, he said yes.

I felt a little awkward at his arrogance, for use of a word, (it was arrogance but not in a bad way - more in like how gay people think that everyone loves them etc .... he'd been a model in Milan when he was young and probably spent his whole life having people tell him how good he looks etc though he'd put on weight and was no longer a model), but used to the high life.

Anyway I told him I'd had a brow lift and wanted to have my hair cut to hide the incision thinning areas and he seemed to revel at the thought of having a blank palatte to work on, saying he was the best hairdresser ever. He commented that a fringe would suit me and that which I currently had did nothing for my face, which I agreed with. He flicked through some hair magazines and came up with a few hairstyles which he said he wanted to do on me, which looked just like what I had wanted ie the Jennifer Aniston feathered look in front, and I told him I hated my hair being cut straight at the back from left to right and wanted it cut in a kinda V shape, which he agreed with.

I didn't like the girl who washed my hair as she kept splashing water all over my face and kept pulling on my scalp when she was combing my hair. I had to tell her to hold on to my hair while she pulled as that stopped the pain on the scalp. You'd think a hair washer in a salon would know that. Doh!

Anyway he got to work and while I like to just be in my own thoughts while having my hair cut, he talked away about his wonderful life as a model in Milan! It was ok as he was a nice guy but got a bit awkward when he ran out of things to say and I didn't particularly want to share my life with him as I had a feeling he'd tell the whole world and more!

I trusted him to cut my hair as he saw fit, having full confidence in his abilities and then his next customer came in and he hurried up a bit and didn't cut the back of my hair as I'd asked him to. He said that he'd been a little conservative with my fringe and that we can work on it more the next time and for me to tell him in the next few days how it settled down.

He used curlers on my hair which I didn't like and gave me this fancy look which wasn't me. He kept asking me if I liked the end result to which I said I liked the style but preferred my hair straightened and not curled. He asked why in the tone gay guys do - I didn't answer as his ego was hurt as he wanted me so much to like it and I didn't really, not the way he'd finished it.

I couldn't wait to get home to straighten out my hair and see what it really would look like from a practical sense; and whew thankfully it looked fine. I could use more hair on my fringe as it still looks too thin he cut it in a strange way (I can't explain cos I don't know how) - it just still looks a little too thin and next time I'll ask the next hairdresser to fix it so it looks a bit more natural; though it'll do for now.

I went to mom's and she asked immediately if that was my own hair and I said yes, and she said she liked the haircut, which whew is one of the first compliments ever mom has ever given me about my hair. My whole life she's asked me to perm my hair as she thinks it's too thin but she likes my hair as it is now (whew!). She said that it looks just like my wig, albeit shorter and she couldn't really tell the difference. It looks like my wig just cos I have a fringe and the Jennifer Aniston hair curles in the front (I don't know what they're called).

It's been a few days since my hair cut and I've been to Bluewater a few times now and again today and I've gotten a few double takes from young guys (which is flattering). At least I know now that they're doing double takes not cos my hair looks like a wig and/or dolls hair but cos .... errrm, I'm not too sure - perhaps they like my hair(?) .... my eyes stand out(?). Whatever the reason, it's flattering (smiles). Though the guy that did a double take today is like under 20 years of age, and half my age (grins). I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no longer in my twenties and am a grown woman that just hit her forties, though age is just in the mind right? Cos I don't have kids and have not married, I feel young, like I'm still in my 20s and my life hasn't started yet. Perhaps my energy shows that ... I dunno.

Looking at my face over a year and a half ago, before my Isolagen treatment and bleph, hmmm, yup I think I looked my age with my eye bags and jowls etc. (sighs). It does feel good to have 10 years of my life back.

Brow update
I'm still sleeping flat on my back now and have stopped sleeping inclined for a couple of weeks or so. My head no longer hurts when I wake up in the morning ie it used to smart all the time and throb in the mornings and when I'd massage (with my finger tips) my head, it'd really smart though that pain has now gone and it's less sensitive which is sooooo great and such a relief. It's taken four and a half months to get to this stage.

I no longer have those itchy scalp moments where the nerves are regrowing and thankfully I didn't have too many of them in total. Wearing the wig itself was a nightmare as my head and scalp used to suffer and be in pain cos of that. I'm soooooooooo glad I can return to work on Wednesday and no longer wear the wig. It means sooooo much to me. I'll always appreciate my hair now.

My new hairstyle brings out my eyes and cheekbones (and this is what the hairdresser told me which is why he wanted to give me the fringe). My face certainly looks different if the fringe is not there and my eyes look larger and stand out with the fringe there and I like it :) The style could use a little fine tuning as it's not quite 100% to my liking but it'll do for now. I'll probably get it cut and styled again in 3-4 weeks time before my surgery.

Eyes update
My punctal plugs are working well. The first two weeks after insertion were extremely difficult to get used to though now they've settled down well. I still sleep with my eyes open as I wake up with dry eyes still though it's much better now as it doesn't take as long as it used to for my eyes to moisten up again. It's definitely made a huge difference.

Nourkrin tablets
It's been about 8 weeks or so now since I've been taking the Nourkrin tablets and for me I feel they've been a big help towards my hair becoming thicker even though I don't think I was supposed to see results that fast or early. I definitely have new baby hair (though I'm sure the Nourkrin site doesn't say anything about Nourkin helping hair grow(?) - only makes it thicker) ... I need to go read it again.

My incision lines are still there but much hidden and the areas are still thinned but hair (baby hair) is growing around them. The way my new hair cut is styled easily hides the incision areas and also I purchased some organic eye shadow in powder form from http://theremustbeabetterway.co.uk and it does wonders in helping to hide the red incision areas (I wish I had bought the eye shadow powder earlier though I believe I did want to but they were out of stock for a while).

I'm still suffering from thrush just before my period which is worrying that the antibiotics and steroids are still having an effect on my body. I've purchased some organic ointment from http://www.theremustbeabetterway.co.uk containing Manuka Oil etc especially for candida and it is helping enormously. Stung like crazy the first time I used it but it's a huge relief now. I must tell Jane so she can avoid using the same antibiotics on me during my next surgery and hopefully avoid steroids altogether.

I've been feeling flabby for a while even though I'm 5 foot 5 and a half and weigh 8 stone 6 (I am underweight as for my height I should be 9 stone 2 pounds) but I want to lose about 5 pounds to get to 8 stone 2 or even 8 stones - give or take. I want to tone up my flabby areas and I've found much inspiration in watching The Biggest Loser Series II and even went out to purchase the Biggest Loser workout which oh my gawd is something else! It's HARD work!!! I take my hat off to those contestants who can take those workouts and even the low impact workout had me out of breath today!! Awesome! I love being inspired by others and learning and growing!

I hope to be at an ideal weight and shape by the time of my surgery in June, which is about seven weeks away now. I'm working out about 5 days a week (sometimes 4 if there's just no time cos I've worked long hours and am really sleepy). For a while I was just using my cyberrider to burn away calories but now that my Biggest Loser workout has arrived I've started using the DVD and it's just awesome!

I also found out yesterday while logging on to NBC.com that Matt and Suzy have gotten engaged (auwwww!). How wonderful! And they're so young! They're only 29 years old! I thought they were both in their 30s .... gee! Very inspirational!

Working out with the Biggest Loser DVD has given me inner strength and I love how my body feels after. And it's amazing that the workouts only last half an hour and yet geez, the workout is really tough! Great to use if you're pushed for time. I can see results happening to my body in the next 2-3 weeks if I'm consistent with the workouts and once I get to where I want to be then the rest is maintenance. It's really tough for me to find time to workout when I'm working such long hours as I try to get in my 8 hours of sleep as well which I never make and I get 6 hours if I'm lucky.

My appt with Jane is in about 3 weeks time and I'm looking forward to it very much.

9 weeks to go before my next reconstruction surgery

I'm now at the 4 and a half months post surgery mark. I'm still suffering from thrush even though I'm doing all I can to help prevent it including taking probiotics. I can feel it coming on again though it's not as strong an attack so maybe the probiotics are helping after all; and hopefully perhaps it won't come on and will just pass through. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed. I have purchased some more Vagiclear or whatever it's call which is a course of 10 days and will start to use that tonite.

I've been keeping my head low and working hard both at work and at home. I'm getting up extra early to make my breakfast and lunch and going to work extra early, coming home, working out, shower, protein shake and head for bed and its the same thing next day. I've been inspired by The Biggest Loser Series II, and admire all of the folk on there who've showed such determination to lose weight and how far they have come. Hey the guy that came in second even had a six pack on his stomach - now that's awesome!! I may be skinny but I have flab in lots of places which I need to tone up; and when I had my BUPA assessment last year, they said I needed to build up muscle tone.

I've lost a couple of pounds and my jeans feel lose again and it feels great. I also like that I get so tired after I work out and I fall asleep almost instantly. I'm trying to get 8 hours but I end up with about 7 or 6 hours sleep. At least it's better than what the bankers get at work as they get 2-3 hours if they are lucky - though they're only 23 years old plus and analysts. I've done my time at the bank the past 10 years and have done my all nighters.

I'm still keeping a low profile from my best friend and others as I need to take care of myself for a while. I'm still in a delicate space and it's like if I go back to those old haunts, I'll get dragged back into that black hole again and I don't want to go there again. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm taking it one day at a time.

I still hate wearing my wig to work as I swear it looks to me to be so obvious that it's a wig even though I still get compliments and people ask me whether it's my natural hair colour etc. (sighs). I've got 9 weeks to go wearing the wig as I checked my hair condition and while my hair is much better, I'm still not confident to not wear the wig just yet as my eyes are fairly obvious when I'm not wearing my wig in that currently my fringe in wig helps hide my eyes and if I stopped wearing the wig right now, my left eye droop and my upper eyelid crinkle etc are fairly noticeable and I can't bear people staring at me again so I think I may need to wait till my next surgery reconstruction is over before I stop wearing my wig.

I so wanted to stop wearing my wig after the easter weekend. I wanted to have a new hair cut and then go back to work with it and hope it hides my eyes somehow. I may try to do that ... we'll see. I don't even know where to go to get my hair cut.

Time for bed / Indi