Friday 14th July 06 : almost 6 weeks post op

Almost 6 weeks post up from my lower eyelid reconstruction, upper eyelid and eyelash ptotis repair, upper eyelid fat transfer and lower eyelid fat repositioning, and about 7 months post op from my Y-V Endo Brow Lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction (including ptotis repair) (whew) that was a handful to write and it's not detailed and is only a summary!!!

My scalp is still itchy and sore - a lot of it is focused in the Y-V incision that sits in front of my scalp where the hair is still not growing and which one of the hairdressers said he didn't think would grow back there. There's not even any signs of life or little hair there where the V incision is. I'll take a photo at some point soon and post here to show. The incision on my sides have grown but not the front - it's worrying and I hope it's something that will rectify itself at some point in the near future. The hair in the front of my head is still thin (though I am able to hide it thankfully with my fringe) and my hairline has gone higher to make my forehead look higher though the fringe hides that fact. I never thought of all these things before I had my brow lift as I didn't know. I only read them on the internet after.

My outer eyes feel dry and tight, not so itchy these past day or so, and it doesn't feel weird or like my eyes are going to pop up when I bend down to pick something off the floor.

Jane's letter to my GP said I had bilateral upper eyelid eversion, with minimal blepharoplasty, bilateral lower eyelid exploration, repositioning of fat and skin flaps with obicularis tightening to the superior orbital rim. What's obicularis tightening? Hmm, I'm gonna do a search and see what that means - I think it means she tightened up the muscles on the side of my eyes ie the outer eyes.

I still haven't used mascara to see whether my eyelash ptosis on the left upper eyelash has been rectified though I did experiment a week or so ago and my lashes on both upper eyelids seemed "crooked" ie like they'd been bent through a machine as they couldn't straighten out - it looked comical - like a fly with a crooked leg!! (grins). Then I tried again a few days later and both eyelashes seemed to be ok, albeit crooked though I think it's too early to tell as they seem in recovery mode.

My left eye definitely seems larger than my right eye and I'm getting people mirror me again ie a few people keep flicking at their eyes ie same as mine on the left outer eye, plus also brush away where my right cheek infection is. I think they're doing it subsconsciously though it does upset me cos it just bring home that it is something obvious - even if it obvious from a subsconscious point of view of the other person. (sniffles).

My thoughts and emotions are vacillating all the time and while I thought the other day that I'd want to wait till March 2007 to have my next reconstruction, now I feel very self conscious again cos of all those at work who keep flicking their eyes and oh yeah, yesterday we went out for a team outing to the park and I went with a few girls from the office on the tube there. I didn't have my glasses on nor did I have any eye make up on and while the girls were talking to me, I could see them looking at my eyes and one of them also started subconsciously flicking at her eyes ie where my left lower eyelid droop / retraction is and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole ... I felt very self conscious - just like Tyra feels that the whole of the UK is looking at her nose in the papers the past week which was damaged by her cocaine use. It's soul destroying. No matter how tough we are, these things cut us up inside. How we look is important and I'm so tired of looking like a freak and disfigured and people feeling sorry for me, wondering why my eyes are the way they are and perhaps feeling sorry for me cos they know I've had plastic surgery gone wrong. So I felt that I need to finish my reconstruction journey as soon as I can so I can get back to normality as now there's no way I'm going to take off my glasses when I'm with people at work and am going to hide behind them; plus I've started using eyeliner so that my scars are hidden and my eyes look hidden etc ie the attention is taken away from the defects etc. I feel like a freak. I mean I like the way my eyes look but a lot of the time they both look different sizes - for some reason the right eye looks smaller - though I think it's temporary (I hope). Jane seems to have sewn up or done something to both eyes to make them smaller though the left eye didn't take.

So I'm going to make a request for Sabbatical Leave for the x'mas period for 4 weeks and if I get it great, if not I'll put in a request for 3 weeks holiday leave and say I'm going home to S'pore as I haven't been back for almost 6 years. That's 5 months from now. I'll have to work hard to prepare myself physically and mentally for this ie resuming my work outs next week and also my cardio and healthy eating habits to get myself physically fit again and will work on my chakras and meditate to gain peace of mind as much as I can given the conditions.