I think I'm at the 4 month post surgery mark this week ... awesome!
I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.
I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.
I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.
Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.
The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).
One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).
Nite
Indi
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thurs 16th March 06
I'm losing track of time now - I think I'm on week 15 post surgery, which is three months and three weeks.
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Week 14 (end of) : Sun 12th March 06
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery in Jan 06
Pix taken Feb 062 months post surgery
Pix taken Sun 12 March 06
3 months and 2 weeks post surgery.
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery (Jan 06) eyes closed
14 weeks (Mar 06) eyes closed. Much improvement, thankfully! Though there's still lagophthalmos of about 3mm in left eye and 1mm in right eye.
Today is the end of my two and a half month post surgery period, Sun 12th March 06.
I feel extremely sad, upset and disappointed looking at how my hairstyle is as I do not like it ... I actually hate it. I hate my fringe and I hate the way the hairdresser cut the back of my hair which is all straight without any feathering, which it had before and even my wig looks much better at the end as it looks like the hair is feathered at the end, unlike my normal hair.
My incisions lines are healing and hair is growing slowly back and each day and week it gets much better with more hair growing and I'm able to find more hair parting now, which is great; though my fringe lets me down as does my hair style which I hate and I am seriously considering finding a hairdresser (which will be tricky as I don't have one and the last time I had my hair cut, apart from the a**hole who cut it in Feb and gave me a fringe was about 2-3 years ago and they've shut down (I had my hair cut there for 5 years - I used to have it really short, like a boy).
I think my mind is made up and I'm going to have my hair cut short again - in a style similar to Debbie's as that's how my hair was before (kinda) and trim off a few more inches perhaps if needed to get rid of the straight line that the a**hole hairdresser from that saloon in Blackheath gave me. If you look at all the hairstyles where people have extensions, the back of their hair looks like how mine currently is .... straight line and yukky.
Punctal Plugs
I seem to be getting used to my punctal plugs and they're not giving me as hard a time as they did in the beginning. Perhaps that was an adjustment period(?). But I seem to be ok with them now. I'll take it day by day and see how it goes. Jane did say that I can always take them out myself if they got really bad.
Eyes
When I look at myself in the mirror when cleansing my face daily in the am and pm, I do like what I see, eye wise and yesterday I noticed that the lump in my left eye wasn't as prominent as it used to be and seems to be getting smaller, though when I smile, it protrudes out a lot still. When I touch it, it feels all gritty underneath and lumpy, not how an eye is supposed to feel.
Changes
Lots of changes happening in my life. M.R. called from Florida yesterday after almost a year of not hearing from him. He moved from England to Florida about 15 months ago. I've known him for 5 years since we did a workshop together and he's been after me all that time, trying all the tricks in the book to seduce me. I never knew how to tell him I wasn't interested as I didn't want to hurt his feelings and would just ignore his advances. Till yesterday.... the subject came up and I told him that while he was attractive and there has been chemistry between us, it didn't mean that I wanted to sleep with him, as he was married first of all, and I didn't want to be another trophy in the line of women he had slept with during his marriage. I said I viewed him as a good friend and that was it. I had no intentions of wanting to have a physical relationship with him. He was quite taken aback and I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.
K.P, an ex boyfriend who I broke up with 20 years ago has for the past 20 years been harassing me in one way or another, pretending to be my friend while having the ulterior motive of wanting to rekindle a physical relationship with me, even though he's married with kids, he's another guy who has affairs outside his marriage. I've tried everything I can in the past 20 years to tell him I'm not interested, and have avoided his phone calls though after 6 months to a year or so he'll call back again and keep trying and pretending to be my friend. This time, I've had enough of the "GroundHog day" events with us and have avoided his phone calls the past 3 weeks or so and just delete his voicemails when I hear his name. He calls me at least 4 times a week, if not more. Sometimes 3 times a day.
The reason these guys keep sniffing around is cos I'm still single (story of my life) and they think (in their weird male minds) that they have a chance of getting intimate cos I don't have a man around. I hate the way this works as I have to literally be a recluse in my house at times as if I go out, there's a young 18 year old boy across the road who's got a huge crush on me and he keeps coming up and asking if he can help me decorate etc and won't take no for an answer no matter how firm I am. And there's Postman P who has been stalking me for 16 years, and he too will wait outside my house and if I am out there, will pounce etc and things get so uncomfortable as he's totally in love with me. Those who've been stalked will understand.
Thou I feel a shift now finally and I'm backing away from all people and places in my life that I feel drained by etc and taking care of myelf for a while and learn the skills to take care of myself.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Endorphins :)
I wasn't going to post tonite as I'd run out of time and it's time for bed though I'd just posted to Suz at the Make Me Heal Board and was inspired to share a little more here (smiles).
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Follow up consult with Jane Olver : Tues 7th March 06
I'm on my three and a half month period post surgery. Week 14 post surgery this week.
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Week 13 : Sat 4th March 2006
I'm just over the three month and one week post surgery mark this week.
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
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