3 weeks 4 days post op : Fri 30 June 06

Off sick today still - the two cysts on the side of my right cheek turned into some kind of infection and the whole of my right cheek has swollen up with two lumps on it - and it looks gross and hurts like crazy. Like I really need this on top of what is going on with my eyes.

Even thou I use Lacrilube, my eyes feel dry at night when I'm sleeping as I can feel my eyelids open ie not shut and any movement to blink is in slow motion and when I wake up, my vision is blurry for ages afterwards (could be the Lacrilube). I keep forgetting to use my steristrips to life my left lower retraction.

What I share in my blog is catharthic and healing for me and any and all emotions and thoughts are shared - that's what's so catharthic about it in that for me it is my own personal individual safe space to share anything and is a normal part of the healing process, from anger, tears, frustration, worry, hurt and laughter. The emotion is felt, expressed, released and healed and if not, the process is repeated as often as is needed to heal and catharthise. Emotions bottled in and supressed is unhealthy and eventually eats away at you inside and eventually comes out in the form of diseases eg cancer.

I feel ikky today and have done the past few days eye wise as they feel swollen and throb and at that itchy phase where I just want to rub my eyes; and they feel fat inside (grins). My vision is also affected and it's been almost a month now that I haven't worked out! Mostly mainly cos I needed to sort the house out as cos I work long hours paperwork just got piled up for ages in corners and now I've managed to have some sort of system though have a way to go yet. I need to get going on this though it's finding the motivation as my eyesight is so blurry it's difficult to do much as it's frustrating seeing everything blurred and glasses doh't help - ergh.

Left lower eyelid

Pix taken Thurs 27 June 06 - 3 weeks 3 days post op
Those dark lines on my lowers are the incision lines and there's a small bump on the lower right eyelid and you can see the left lower lump a bit more in this pix on the lower left eyelid and strangely both lowers look hollow in this pix, more so though in the right than left (probably cos the left lump makes it look hollow(?)

I have started massaging my left lower outer eyelid, where the lump and lower left eyelid retraction is and ooooiiieee, it's all lumpy and bumpy inside whereas there are no lumps and bumps and excess skin on my right lower (I wonder if Jane took out more skin on my right lower which is why there is no excess skin there and there is on my left lower?). These are all questions I must remember to write down and ask Jane when I see her next.

Each day is different and some days I'm upset about my right lower hollow and some days I'm too busy to be upset or even look and/or upset about the two cystic acne on my right cheek which now has seemingly turned into an infection and my whole right cheek is swollen (I look like a chipmunk) with two cysts sticking out ... it looks horrible and is very soul destroying and I'm hiding at home until it heals and hopefully it will by Monday when I'll have no choice but to return to work.

When I do return to work on Monday, because I've said I've keratitis / eye infection etc, everyone will be focusing on my eyes and asking how I am as they always do and I wish I could be invisible sometimes at work though as one banker said this week, I'm like the engine room where everything takes place and works in the team, and everyone comes to me when they need anything and when I was gone, everyone and everything was put on hold until I came back and everyone was so relieved to have me back. One of the bankers (Director) shrieked my name when she saw me sitting at my desk at 8am in the morning on my first day back! When I'm trying to keep a low profile cos of my eyes and how they feel ie swollen and throbbing, having to look up (as I'm sitting down) at people standing up talking to me is hard word, especially looking up at bright lights and thinking inside my head, "Oh dear, I wonder if they can see my scars or can they notice that I've had eye surgery etc etc", though it's not as bad as when I had to go back to work in December after my brow lift when I was wearing the wig ... oh dear - that was probably the worst ever experience of my life!!

So the engine room is where I work in the office as a secretary, where everything happens (smiles) and everything is on hold while I am away and I reminded the bankers to be appreciative of me in light of the fact they missed me so much thou most of the younger bankers do, it's just my top banker, ie a managing director and group head, tends to take me for granted and expect 200% when I give 150% - and my 10 hour days are just not enough for him - he expects 12 hour days and more! Bah! With him, I feel like a wife who's done hard work all day at home with the kids and he strolls in after his hard day at work, sees a little clutter on the floor and demands to know what his wife has been doing all day cos her work can't be as hard compared to his! Arrrghhh!! (grins).

Still off sick

Thursday 29th June and I'm still off sick today. My eyes are throbbing and vision is blurry. I wake in the middle of the night and I can sense that my eyes are open when I'm sleeping - it's a weird feeling as it all happens in slow motion ie I wake up to semi consciousness and then notice the sensation that my eyelids are open and when I get to full consciousness, my eyelids start to move in an attempt to blink and at times it's hard to blink cos of the surgery ie my reactions are slow and my eyelid muscles are heavy for whatever reason it is.

I started to massage my left outer lower eye area yesterday as instructed by Jane and it aches and is sore. Both my eyes are sore to touch - the blurry vision is tough to deal with and I hope it's only temporary. Reading Dr Meronk's site on fat transfers it's probably cos of the eyeballs not being able to move properly cos of the fat in the uppers and whatever was moved in the lowers. I am intrigued as to how it'll all change over the next few days and weeks.

The acne on my face is sore to touch and really painful but getting better. I'm not sure if I'll make it in to work tomorrow and feeling really guilty about that but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason and all is happening at the right time, space and sequence.

I promised Jane's sec months ago that I'd send her before and after pics of my eyes and as yet haven't had time to do so. It's on my to do list.

Spent some time on the net yesterday doing some research on yoga and managed to find some DVDs that will help my own individual practice at home which will help with my work stress and other stress in life on a daily basis, and I was glad to find that which I did. I also spoke to my original yoga teacher in the UK about some confusions I had about certain things and last weekend's workshop with the other teacher and was happy with his helpful responses and I feel much better. Things are moving along there as I'm also in touch with another yoga teacher in the US talking about her coming to the UK to do a similar workshop. There's obviously much more detail which I won't go into - general gist is that things are resolving themselves and the feedbackI'm getting is that the yoga teacher who came to teach us last weekend's energy has affected a lot of other people who've walked away from her too (so that makes me feel I'm not alone - whew!).

Didn't take any pictures yesterday - didn't feel up to it and not sure if I'll take any today. I haven't even videod my eyes to monitor the movement and progress etc in the past few days - just not feeling up to it.

Emotions are on a rollercoaster though not as much as when I first got back from surgery - thinking back then when I was on the medication, my emotions were sky high and I got upset very easily. I still do in that I tear up at the drop of a hat when watching tv - sometimes I think my body has just been through so much trauma over the past 18 months with all the surgeries I've had and it's still recovering from the Y-V brow lift of 6 months ago and I'm already putting it through another trauma of my latest surgery and my body needs nurturing.

The hollowed eyelid, fat transfer and repositioning

Here are some of the links from Dr Meronk's site on the hollowed eyelid:

http://www.drmeronk.com/hollow-eyelid-fat.html

My left lower eyelid hollow looks like the pic of the man with orbital rim hollowness as my cheekbone stands out a lot on the right lower eyelid and this happens to darn well be where my cyst is (screams)
http://www.drmeronk.com/hollowed/hollow-eyelid-cheek.html

and on Fat Transfer and repositioning:
http://www.drmeronk.com/insidersguide/20.html

It is very helpful for me to read links above on the subject relating to what I'm going through as none of this is brought up with Jane nor has she summarised what she is going to do - it all goes on in her mind as to what is needed to be achieved and she goes ahead and does it and I haven't had a discussion before or after which I personally expect to be the standard of any surgeon. I know there's the question of lack of time but surely a surgeon can't expect a patient to just know these things. It's like I have to do a lot of homework and know my stuff and only then if I have hard core questions (like I did with my Y-V browlift) can I discuss the subject with Jane as otherwise she doesn't take the time out to discuss details in depth. I'm sure all this is just due to lack of time though I feel disappointed by it as a brief summary and/or talk would ease my mind so much in knowing what's going on with me and my eyes. Peace of mind is all I ask for and patient/doctor communication.

The only time Jane ever really spent with me in depth with questions was when she had the doctor in her office studying with her. Why can't she be like that all the time? (sniffles).

Here's another link on Dr Coleman ... I wonder if this is the Coleman Fat Transfer though there's a trademark name to it now called Dr Coleman Lipostructure®
http://www.lipostructure.com/about_lipostructure.html

There are also some before and after photos links there. I wonder if I had to have another coleman fat transfer to my lower eyelid(s) whether I could ask Jane at the same time to transfer some of the fat to my jowl areas and lips :). Seems a shame to waste all that fat.

1st day back at work (Tues 27 June 06)

Yesterday, Tuesday 27th June 06 was my first day back at work and I got in for 7.30am. I was nervous as I got ready for the day and used a litle camouflage on my scars for the first time in 3 weeks though I managed to camouflage them amply. Sadly I also had a small acne on the right side of my cheek which is as obvious as anything and stands out a lot and today, Weds 28th June, I called in sick as I can't face people starting at my zit which a lot of them were yesterday - good thing is it took their attention away from my eyes, though this morning I couldn't take looking at the cyst which makes my cheekbones look huge as the cyst is huge (and sorrie no, I won't be taking a pic of the cyst - ergh). (sighs). I have cystic ovaries and occasionally get these cysts though the one I had 5 days after my op on my upper inside eyelid - I'm not sure if that's related to the fat transfer or my cystic ovaries though reading what Dr Meronk said on his site re cysts and fat transfers it's probably due to that cos I was on antibiotics and when you're on antibiotics you don't just suddenly get cysts.

Anyway back to yesterday ..... so many people in my group came up to me excited to see me back - geez - you'd think I had been away for 3 months! While it was flattering I was intrigued as to what happened while I was away for them to miss my presence. I'm sure it doesn't show a good sign today that I haven't turned up and left a message that I have an eye infection - it'll only make them ask questions about my eyes tomorrow when I go in (if I do tomorrow) and they'll focus on my eyes (sighs).

Everyone was asking what I did and what I got up to and where I went and I relayed the story of the yoga workshop and that satisfied most; though one of my bosses, ie the cute one - TA, kept looking at me as he always does and asked how my eyes were. He always scrutinises me and I feel so transparent in front of him and that he sees through me. I just said fine though went into the Holmes Adie Syndrome ie re my vision and said that due to the syndrome my vision varies in that sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not due to the nature of it as my pupils change all the time and it will always be like that and there is no cure, which is true. I'm not sure if that satisfied him but he left me alone.

I didn't have any eye make up on and must have looked different to everyone anyway re my eyes and I'm not sure how obvious the scarring was on my outer eyes which I had camouflaged with make up.

The whole day went ok and I survived a 10 hour day; though today when I woke up and put my make up on, I just couldn't take the look of the cyst and it really bothered me and I couldn't face going into work, so I called in sick reluctantly, and am using as many tricks up my sleeve as I know to get help my cyst heal including tea tree, and other acne treatments I have at home. It's working some as it's gone down half the size and hopefully will be reduced enough to go into work tomorrow without it being as huge as it is today.

Looking in the mirror today, more changes as I noticed my left lower lump showing up underneath the camouflage of the make up ie the make up cakes where the lump is and higlights the lump kinda like snow and the bump of the lump protrudes out (sighs). It's not something that would show up in a photo and I'm sick and tired of taking photos of my eyes. I feel like Alistair Griffith in Fame Academy when he once said to the guys who were helping him learn his songs and fine tune his voice, that he was sick of singing the same song over and over and over again and that it took away the joy of singing cos he had to practice it so much. Meaning I'm tired of taking so many pictures and journalling my eyes sometimes as it all gets a bit too much; though having said that it's something I need to do as I also need to focus on the good parts that come out of it ie noticing how far I've come in my healing journey and the progress my eyes are making. It's just the tough parts are hard to deal with and I just want to get on with my life and I can't.

Back to work means back to the hustle and bustle of the grindstone again and all that comes with it ie the mundane plod to and from work, the being taken for granted, the lack of job satisfaction, the stress and all else (sighs) and the office politics. I'll cherish each moment today that I've got away from the office. Everyone said how lucky I was to be away from the office for 3 weeks even though the yoga workshop didn't go well cos it just meant I was away from the stress of the work environment - how right they are ... I guess everyone else feels it too. If only we could all do what we loved to do for a living and get paid well for it ...

Tomorrow, 1st day back at work will be interesting

Tomorrow, my first day back at work in 3 weeks, is certainly going to be interesting. Because my upper eyelids feel so heavy and my eyes feel *weird* so to speak, I feel that everyone looking at me can notice it; though I'm sure they can't or don't. I haven't even shown my mother my eyes and asked her about it since my stitches were out as I haven't really seen her or rather we went to the movies together but I had my sunglasses on.

I wonder how many people, if at all will comment at work tomorrow that I look different. I won't have any eye make up on so that'll make me look different in itself and I'm not planning on much make up - only a bit of powder and sunscreen (tinted) and perhaps if I dare, some camouflage on the scars on my eyes (lowers and uppers).

I wonder how my eyes will change over the coming weeks and months. My vision is really poor and blurry and worst than usual and sometimes even using my glasses don't help. I wonder how it'll be when I'm on the computer for 10 hours a day at work.

While I like my uppers, I must say that I still feel upset when I look in the mirror and see the lower left eyelid droop - my heart just sinks and cries inside - especially to see the right lower eyelid hollow. I'm just so tired of this journey of reconstruction. At times I wonder why did I start all of this .... (sniffles) - if only I knew the journey ahead.

The front of my scalp where the Y-V incisions were occasionally still hurt and itch. The sides where the incision were don't ache or itch and it's only the front of the scalp that hurts and itches and hasn't grown back yet - I wonder if the front ever will. It's been 6 months now and the front of the head incision lines for the brow lift are still healing hair wise. I can still feel the indentations.

I look at Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves on screen and they are exactly the same age as me and look at them, who haven't had plastic surgery at all and how great they look, though Keanu seems to have loose skin on his upper eyelids. Will he resort to plastic surgery at some point and/or do they both use botox? Makes you wonder considering their foreheads are so smooth :) or do they use cosmetic products to help them look young and fresh looking?

Surgeons are not miracle workers

I was reading up on Dr Meronk's site http://www.drmeronk.com on lower eyelid hollows and also some of the posts on Make Me Heal and reaffirmed what I already knew, but had gone to the back of my mind temporarily, was that surgeons are not miracle workers and can only do what they do.

Jane said something to this effect when I saw her on Friday to have my stitches out. I think she was trying to distract me from the pain of the stitches being removed from my right eye by talking (though I can't be sure) and at one point I was starting to tell her that Carol (SarahAnn from MMH) was possibly waiting to see the outcome of my lower eyelid retraction with Jane before she considered making an appt with her; though before I could finish the sentence and had just said "waiting to see the outcome of the lower eyelid retraction" ... when Jane interrupted and said that that put a lot of pressure on her and something along the lines that she couldn't promise to fix what the other surgeon did and could only do what she does. I wasn't quite sure what to make of what she said and it did bother me a little as she didn't expand on it nor invite further conversation on it and it kinda ended there. Till now, that is, and reading Dr Meronk's site, about the difficulties of lower eyelid retraction and lower eyelid hollows and seeing some before and after pictures.

I guess I just expect Jane Olver, as the qualified surgeon / opthamalogist / oculoplastic surgeon, to do all the talking and reassuring and advising me as I know nothing about all this; unless I read up on it; and she hasn't been saying very much - I think Carol calls it "bedside manner"(?).

Also what bothered me about my right lower eyelid hollow was that Jane has a keen and sharp eye and yet she didn't mention it at all on Friday and I'm sure I mentioned it in my original email to her. I don't mind the fact that she did what she did and it didn't take or whatever - it just would have been nice to have talked about it and had it all validated and/or perhaps reassured that things could change and settle down and/or acknowledged that there was a right eye hollow there. I guess that's perhaps what I'm angry at ... I'm still trying to figure it out inside. Or maybe as Jane is *absent minded* like an absent minded professor, she genuinely forgot about it .... possibly that and as I'm emotionally charged about it, I feel upset about it all as I feel invalidated.

Once more, I am happy with the outcome of this surgery in that it is about 80-90% successful and I am happy with my upper fat transfer so far (though not sure about the ptosis repair / upper eyelash repair yet as it's early days) and it's still early days to figure out about my lower eyelid skin removal - ie did Jane remove too much skin from my right lower for it to look hollow(?) .... lots of questions ... I must write them down and ask her them when I see her in 6 weeks time.

A reminder again that Surgeons are not miracle workers and can only do what they do and sometimes they don't get it right the first time. Jane mentioned this at my very first consult. I cringe at the thought of how much all this surgery has cost me so far including consultation costs ... it definitely goes into 6 figures already and that's in pounds sterling. I'm just a humble single secretary and not some rich woman who lives in the West End with a wealthy husband.

Monday 26 June 06 : 3 weeks post op

Monday 26 June 06 : 3 weeks post surgery

Uppers looking good re the fat transfer, lower eyelids still sore from incisions and stitch removal - some lumps and bumps here and there, left lower lump isn't' showing as much and droop varies from day to day - Jane suggested I start massaging today, and right lower eyelid is hollow - it's hard to show in photos though those that suffer from lower eyelid hollows will see straight away what I mean

My eyesight is so blurry these days and worst than usual. It's most likely a side effect of the operation and my obicularis being worked on (for use of a word). It's worst in my left eye than my right and I keep blinking and hoping the vision will improve but it doesn't.

Today is my last day off before I return to work tomorrow. On Sat morning when I woke up in pain from the mild kerasis all night, I felt I might need to take this week off but my eyes are much better now cos I'm using Lacrilube and the incisions where the stitches were removed don't hurt as much as they did over the weekend and oh boy did they hurt and throb and being at the yoga workshop didn't help much as any movement I did - even if just to bend over and massage someone and my eyes would throb and sting (where the incisions were) and all I wanted to do was rub them but I obviously can't.

The red lines where the incisions are on the lower eyelids are healing by the day thankfully though there are some red and bumpy spots here and there which I hope go down and heal at some point and disappear.

The left lower eyelid droop varies in droop from day to day and hour to hour sometimes looking worse and sometimes looking not so bad but never where it should be. It is noticeable though I havent' asked my mom yet whether she can see it or anyone else as only my best friend has seen me over the weekend who knows what's going on. No one else knows and that's the way I intend to keep it friends and family wise as I'm emotionally exhausted of talking to people about my eye surgeries and the judgement that comes with it.

At the yoga workshop some knew as I had to tell them I was getting my stitches out and oen couple asked why I needed any eye operation and I was like ... geez I'm not going into all that stuff as it's like sharing a life story so I just said I had eye complications and that it was a long story and they accepted that.

My right lower eyelid hollow still bothers me as it's stands out so much to my left lower eyelid which looks filled in (but then again my left lower also looks too fatty when I smile compared to my right lower - they both still need work on) though I'm learning to deal with it and not feel so angry about it - I just can't understand how it could have happened, unless it's common for a surgeon to try and move existing fat around and after surgery it's not any different(?).

I decided not to email Jane yet at this point as there's not much she can do. I thought of mentioning that I found 3 stitches that had been missed on Friday and removed them myself with tweezers and a magnifying mirror but thought well maybe that happens occasionally and it's not a biggie(?). I was in so much pain and discomfort on Friday it was crazy!

Even now my eyes still feel brusied and sore and I could use another week off work instead of going back to my 10 hour - 11 hour days but well it's too political if I take time off and they'll suspect that I had an operation if I did ask for time off sick so I have to go back to work tomorrow and pretend that I have been on my yoga workshops for the past 3 weeks on and off; though I don't need to pretend there cos I did go to one yoga workshop.

My next appt with Jane is on the 2nd August, which is in 6 weeks time. I believe it's a Wednesday.

There's about 80-90% success in the surgery (to date) and I am happy with that though because the right lower eyelid hollow stands out so much as it's in such contrast to the left lower eyelid - it bothers me as I'm going to have to live with it for the next few months and each time I see my eyes in the mirror, my gaze will go there and it'll upset me cos it just stands out a mile and is not something that can be dismissed so easily and it pulls a knot in my stomach each time I see it and I just want to cry. To me, it's horrible and it looks skeletal; and I am hoping maybe perhaps by some miracle, it'll fill in? though I doubt it. The left lower droop also bothers me but not as much as it's not as bad as before and has improved a lot - about 80% and I can live with that as long as it doesn't drop anymore. Time will tell over the next few weeks what happens in my recovery - ie as to how much fat I retain in my uppers and whether my lowers change and whether the left lower outer lump returns and whether the left lower droop goes any further or higher.

Friday 23 June : Day 18 post op (stitches out)

Friday 23 June 06 - Day 18 post op: Stitches out : Am feeling upset about right lower eyelid hollow more so than the left lower eyelid retraction as the right lower eyelid hollow is very noticeable. Have gooey ointment on eyes that Jane rubbed on.

Fri 9 June 06 - Day 5 post op: Pix for comparison purposes re lower eyelid hollows

Mon 5 June 06 - pix taken just before surgery: For comparison purposes

Went to see Jane Olver today to finally get my stitches removed. She was running late but that was fine as I read a book (as best I could with my dark sunglasses on).

When it came to my turn to see Jane, she took down a few notes though didn't seem interested in my vomiting episode; only my eyes and if any thing drastic had happened, which apart from the differences in eyes trying to stay closed, there hasn't been anything drastic in the physical sense (apart from the vomiting, the red rashes on arms and legs, the swollen eyes etc)! :)

Jane put some eye drops in my eyes - it could have been a mild form of anaesthethic - I'm not sure though at the time I wondered if it was and whether I'd be able to drive back home again when I picked my car up from the station.

The whole stitch removal process took about half an hour and it was extremely uncomfortable and painful. My eye muscles and eyelids felt very bruised, tender and sore, like they were still recovering from being cut - and they smart. Cutting the stitches felt painful in itself and they felt hot and stung. Jane had to wipe off the dried blood which I couldn't remove cos they were attached to the stitches and whenever I tried to pull the blood off it would pull on the stitch and cos excruciating pain. When Jane wiped the blood off, it seemed to take forever and she had to use a little force to get them off and it took a few attempts and it was painful to say the least.

Removing the stitches seemed to take forever per eye as there was always some other stitch that she'd missed and it was both the top and bottom and for the bottom stitches I had to keep my eyes open and it was just horrible and painful.

Then it was time for the right eye stitches to be removed and all that pain all over again including removing the dried blood. It felt worst than having the pain of the operation itself ie the episode where I felt Jane injecting anaesthesia into my eyelids and then the pain of my right outer eyelid being cut ... ouch.

I felt overcome when it was all over and my eyes felt weird and strange from the freedom of no stitches; and also the pain of the stitch removal still echoed and resonated throughout my eyes and skin. It took me a while to get back to center again. Jane took some pictures and said there was some lower eyelid retraction and for me to after 3 days, rub the outer eye upward. If it didn't work, then she said we'd probably need to consider a spacer.

I wanted to bring up the right lower eyelid hollow but it didn't feel that Jane was interested in the fat transfer issue right then and was more interested in the lower left retraction. When we took a pic of my eyes closed, she said the right eye also wasn't closing properly. No other comments.

She said that I'd probably experience itchiness over the next few days/weeks and to rub the ointment on my eyes a couple of times a day and to see her again in 6 weeks time.

At that time I hadn't seen myself in the mirror and couldn't tell whether my right lower eyelid hollow had gotten better with the stitches out. I really wanted to ask her about that but it just didn't seem appropriate and I know she was rushing as there were people waiting outside and she was in a hurry.

I'm not happy about my right lower eyelid hollow as it stands out a lot especially as the left lower hollow seems to have evened out. Jane mentioned that if the left lower eyelid fell anymore the left lump will continue to show more.

I'm not a happy bunny at all. I'm feeling ok about my uppers re the fat transfer but am feeling upset about my right lower hollow .... my eye just looks skeletal .... months of looking like this

ahead(?). (sighs).

I reminded Jane of the stitched in my left knee where the fat had been taken, and she thanked me for reminding her and took the stitches out. I'm sure if I hadn't reminded her, she would not have removed the stitches!! She said in a year's time there'd be no scar there. The stitches took about a minute to cut and remove.

Thu 22 June 06 : Day 19 post op

Day 17 post op : Thu 22nd June 06

Right eye lower hollow, left eye lower droop, left lower outer eye lump not noticeable when not smiling, left upper eyelid (inner) fuzy cos of red spot (bah!)

Day 16 post surgery : 21st June 06

Right eye lower hollow, left eye lower lid has fallen though you can't see the left lump in this pix too much and left upper eyelid (inner) fuzzy cos of the red spot :(

Am sleeping later and later at night now, about 3am, which isn't good and at that I'm finding it harder to fall asleep even when I'm tired; though am waking up around 11am even though I set the alarm for 8.45am, which makes it around 8 hours sleep.

My period came today which was wonderful - I think I know now why I was eating so much the other day like I was eating for two (cravings of which have now completely disappeared thankfully) as I was hormonal, though I still am crying easily at the drop of a hat. I saw wonderful re period cos this whole year since I was on the steriods in Dec last year (05), my periods have been irregular again ie every 6-7 weeks if not longer; and now it was 35 days, which is a great achievement for me and I only had the thrush feelings for a couple of days and then it disappeared after I used the Manuka Oil. Not so good period wise is that one is not supposed to do certain positions in Yoga on the first 3 days of your period. (sighs).

Best friend rang - I haven't spoken to her for a few months since that episode about my hair way back end Feb 06 though have texted on and off. She was due to attend the yoga workshop with me but is now considering backing off cos she's got cystitis. I feel frustrated by her lack of commitment (as it's the only time this workshop will happen in the UK this year) though it's her loss. I mentioned my surgery to her and in a way I'm glad if she doesn't turn up tomorrow cos she'll only start her judgement again which right now I don't need.

Another friend of mine whom I got back in touch with about 5 weeks ago to help out regards the reiki charity, and whom I hadn't been in touch with for a couple of years or so, is showing his true colours as well. He keeps pushing me on email to talk in a sexual manner which I completely ignore and keep it formal and eventually he starts to get on his judgement chair again about reiki (even though he practices it) though he feels insecure about it. What is it with me and all these judgemental people (whom remind me of my parents :o)). Question answered yeah? Breathe ....

I'm still worrying re work and hating the thought that I have to go back next week. I sometimes wish I didn't have to go on this weekend yoga workshop just so I could have a few more days at home by myself to sort out the house which still has a way to go yet. It's slow progress. I'm done with the shredding - I just have to file all the paperwork now and find a system so I know where to find everything when I need it. Then I have to start upstairs in the library there and my bedroom and gym ... I'll never get round to it all. I feel overwhelmed. Story of my life.

My eyes are still behaving themselves when I wake up in the morning almost 3 weeks post surgery in that they aren't dry (yay) though I must be sleeping with my eyes open cos you just have to look at my photos with my eyes shut and you can see they're open.

My eyes still feel tight and I can't wait to get the stitches out tomorrow, Friday 23rd. I wonder what my eyes will look like and/or if they'll be any different and/or drop any further (eek - heavens no!). My right upper eyelid is still a little bruised and it is an effort / strain to blink my eyes.

I did a test yesterday and if I close my right eye and keep my left eye open, the right eye easily stays closed. If I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, the left eye has a huge problem in keeping closed and closing itself and shakes uncontrollably. I'm a little concerned about this. I must remember to mention it to Jane tomorrow.

I am still wearing either a sun hat or a cap when I venture outside and wear sunglasses all the time, even when it's cloudy. The guy in the petrol station looked at me weird when I went to pay for my petrol. I'm not brave enough to not wear them yet as I have stitches protruding from the corners of my eyes and my uppers and lowers like a cat's whiskers! And they look a little bruised and red still. Gimme a break! Also I can't open my eyes too much or wide cos they're feeling constricted.

My left knee where the fat was taken out still feels bruised and sore. I wonder if Jane will take the stitches out and/or if they are dissolvable - if they are dissolvable, they certainly aren't dissolving and I'm too chicken to cut them myself ....... eergh!

I had thought about lipo once to my thighs but after this little lipo to my knee to get a little fat out for my eyes ... noooooooooooo thank you!! Me no like the bruising and discomfort. I'd rather work out to The Biggest Loser DVD and endure that pain than the pain of bruising ... !!

Autogenous hard palate mucosa : the ideal lower eyelid spacer?

I found an article on Hard Palate Mucosa, which most likely will be the next part of my reconstruction healing journey with Jane Olver, who is one of the authors of the article below. The second link includes before and after photos of lower eyelid retraction.

The articles are a bit deep - I roughly get the gist, and am terrified especially when I read of haemotema (spelling?) on the donor graft site.

How on earth am I going to manage this healing wise and taking time off work is what crosses my mind, and also financially whether BUPA will cover it, if applicable etc. Is 3 weeks enough to heal from this? Will I be able to eat after? Will I be confined to just liquid diet?

Healing from surgery is hard work and very draining in all aspects. It's not like having a holiday cos each day you feel different inside and in how you look - everything is bruised and swollen. And talking of swollen, my knee, where the fat transfer was taken (ie lipo-ed) is still bruised and swollen at two weeks. I took the plaster off the other day to take a peek and there were stitches there. They don't look like dissolvable stitches to me. I put another couple of plasters back on as I didn't want the stitches to get caught in anything. Geez if I feel bruised from a little lipo on my knee, I can't imagine what it feels like to get your stomach and/or thighs lipoed - ouch!

While I'm healing from this last surgery (2 weeks post surgery now), I can still feel my scalp healing from my brow lift - as it's still sore in some spots, the hair is still growing weird in some areas where there is new hair though my hair is still parted differently to how I normally wear it to hide my incision lines. But enough has grown now at the 6 month mark for me to effectively hide the incision lines that are still growing back.

My heart has felt palpitations every now and then during the past 2 weeks during recovery. I'm not sure what that means - it would just start beating really fast at times and I'd just observe it, and wasn't able to figure out why it was doing it as nothing in particular was happening. I was curious and wondered if anything was wrong with my heart and/or if something was happening that it shouldn't be and/or if it was some kind of side effect of the medication.

Talking of medication, on reading the article below, it says that antibiotics are prescribed for a while to help the donor site ie mouth graft area to heal etc as there can be complictions. Oh no!! --- I should have taken a pix showing what my skin on arms and legs looked like when I was taking the antibiotics - not a pretty sight.

The use of porous polyethylene (Medpor) lower eyelid spacers in lid heightening and stabilisation
J Tan, J Olver, M Wright, R Maini, C Neoh, and A J Dickinson
Br. J. Ophthalmol., September 1, 2004; 88(9): 1197 - 1200.

http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/85/10/1183
http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/88/9/1197

2 weeks post surgery : Mon 19 June 06

(sighs) - it's getting to that stage where I don't like seeing my eyes / face in pictures anymore as I see them all the time and to broadcast them live to the public feels like exposing one's flaws and sometimes I just want to hide though I know it helps others lots to see photos and that's what keeps me going.

You can find me at the Make Me Heal boards http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=285

Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - white schelera on left lower eyelid showing more each day :(

13 June 06 - a week earlier - Day 8 post surgery - white schlera isn't showing too much

Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - left lower eyelid is drooping more each day (sniffles) and shows a lot in this particular picture - right eye seems fine.

Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery - eyes closed - left lower eyelid droop shows

Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery. Right lower hollow showing plus left lower eyelid droop and left lower eyelid lump

I noted yesterday that my skin on arms and legs were now back to normal. When I was on the antibiotics my skin flared up and I had red huge rashes / hives all over my arms and legs - it was ikky. Now they're thankfully back to normal.

At night, I get lots of headaches these past few days, my vision comes and goes and I need my glasses a lot more now, and late at night my outer eyes start to ache and I've been icing which provides relief. When I blink my eyes slowly my eyes ache though it's getting better.

I'm still sleeping with no need to use lacrilube which is great (I did use it the other night once and huge mistake as my eyes were blurry for ages after I woke up). I'm not suffering from any dry eyes when I wake in the morning which is a good thing considering my left lower eyelid is drooping lots. I am tempted to video myself sleeping to see if my eyes are closed or open when I sleep.

It's not fun having this lagophtalmus (spelling?) as when you're kissing someone they tend to ask why you're kissing with your eyes open .... sniffles - and now I'm even more conscious than ever since my eye surgeries so I guess it's a good think I ain't got no one to kiss (grins). Apart from my kitties who don't judge me :).

5 June 06 surgery journey in pixs

Photo journey of my surgery journey since 5 June 06 - 2nd reconstructive surgery with Jane Olver

Photos

Okay, have been able to post some pictures but it won't let me post Days 1-4 which is frustrating or anything else. I'll try on another thread.

Today is Day 12 post surgery, Sat 17th June 06 and I took some photos with the flash on and I was alarmed as well as disappointed to note that the left lower eyelid was drooping more than I thought it was. There's no way it's going to pop back up again. It was doing so well a week post surgery at Day 5 and now 2 weeks post surgery, the left lower lid is beginning to drop.

It's ok, I've accepted that the surgery was partially successful and that I'll most likely need another reconstructive surgery at some point especially as my lower left eyelid lump is beginning to show up again and also my right lower eyelid looks hollow and is very different compared to my left lower eyelid; plus when I smile and/or talk, you can see the lump per before (that Jane pointed out). I did take photos but blogger isn't accepting any more photos right now.

My left lower eyelid is beginning to feel the effects of the wind again ie that feeling where the wind blows on your face and my left lower eye feels dry and tickly. A sign that the lower lid is retracted as my right lower eyelid feels fine.

If I do anything too much at home, ie like bend to sweep the carpet or fit a plug or plug a socket into the DVD recorder etc, my eyeballs tend to feel swollen and I have to stop. It's frustrating as I'm limited in what I can do at home and I feel like I'm wasting such valuable time. When I do do anything, I have to be extra careful not to strain.

I'm just concerned now about how I'll look when I return to work week after next ie on Tues 27th and I hope that my eyes will be fine and no one will notice at work. One of my bosses' suspected that I may be going in for surgery as I was taking such a long time off but I managed to convince him I was taking the full time for a yoga workshop which is true, but only the latter part of my leave.

I hope so much that when I return to work, I'll be able to transfer to another team as my time is definitely up in my current team. I want to leave there and move on somewhere else - to new ventures and to people that won't stare and whom won't gossip and start afresh.

Day 5 post surgery - Sat 10th June 06
Lower left lid in good high position still

Day 6 post surgery - Sun 11th June 06


Day 7 post surgery - Mon 12th June 06

Day 8 post surgery - Tue 13th June 06
Some signs of lower eyelid retraction beginning to appear

;">Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06
With flash - the left lower eyelid droop is more obvious with the flash on

Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06
Stitches still in, right lower eyelid hollow and left lower eyelid starting to droop plus left lower eyelid lump reappearing

Day 11 post surgery : Fri 16 June 06

I hadn't felt up to posting the past couple of days, nothing major happened apart from that each morning when I wake up, my left lower eyelid seems to drop even more which is very disheartening and upsetting and my heart sinks. Also each time I look at my lower eyelids, which Jane and the other surgeon decided not to fill with Coleman fat, and instead redistributed whatever fat they could find in there, I feel that it's not quite right and that they look hollow to me, especially my right lower eyelid area which looks more hollow than my left; which looks different as it has that left lower eyelid lump being more pronounced each day.

I'm not sure how my lower eyes are supposed to look, though it can't be what they currently look like cos they just look hollow to me and I'm' sure pre any surgery, my eyes didn't look like that as you can see the bone structure, ie hollows of my eyes and that ain't right. Maybe it's because my eyes are still stitched up at the ends and when they're released things will look different? I don't know. I just can't imagine how Jane figured that it looked ok without transferring any fat into the area. All that fat taken from my left knee and it was not used - arrrrgh (sniffles).

I'm 11 days post surgery and I'm in no way shape or form ready to go back to work yet with my left upper eyelid still being purplish and my eyes feel fat and full. Today when I bent my head down ie to look under my chair, my eyes didn't throb as much as they had been. I haven't been working out and eating lots of junk food and have put on a few pounds. I've just felt hungry enough to eat for two people strangely enough and sitting at home not being able to do much, all I can do is eat as my stomach is hungry whereas if I'm at work, there's not much time to eat and it's easier to keep to a healthier eating plan as I don't have time to cook. Hopefully when I return to work, I'll work it all off again.

I wonder if I'll be ready to go back to work on Tues 27th June which is when I'm scheduled back. I do hope so. The yoga workshop I'm attending next Friday 23rd June for 2 and a half days will help me get my chakras and energies points flowing again and will be good for me. I've been sitting at home just thinking non stop almost about work and how I can retire at aged 41 cos I don't want to go back to the group I'm currently working for. I've been bored for months, do not like one of the assistants there and feel taken for granted and overworked. Work is monotonous and I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

There is not much job satisfaction (well only a little) though when I feel underappreciated, then there is no job satisfaction cos no matter what I do, it seems like it's not enough for my boss who is co head of the group. If he does appreciate me he certainly doesn't show it and if he says it I feel he's just making it up as it doesn't feel real considering how I feel he treats me other times ie I feel he treats me like a husband who comes home from work after a hard day and asks his wife, ok what have you been doing all day - just cos he doesn't know what I've been doing as I make things run really smoothly - so smoothly that he doesn't notice.

Because we had the reiki day, when I return, I will be having discussions with the health club and how we can bring reiki there - thou if they offer me a position I'd have to turn it down as I've been a PA for my firm for over 10 years and the benefits are high even thou the job is very stressful and working for the health club would be seemingly like being self employed and too risky.

Now if I was married and had a husband to take care of the mortgage, I could do that ie work for the health club and/or become self employed and teach and practice reiki as I'd earn enough each money - and wouldn't need to worry as if one month I didn't earn enough it'd hopefully be ok; though alas my journey is meant to be solo for the moment.

My outer left eye was bleeding today - I don't know why. I was using a cotton bud to lightly dry my eyes and when I dabbed the outer left hand corner, the cotton bud had blood on it. Oh dear.

My eye sight has been blurry from time to time. I so want to clear the clutter in my house and reorganise everything but I am limited in what I can do as when I bend my head, my eyes start to throb and get all puffy and I have to stop what I'm doing. I feel very incapacitated and disabled, it's frustrating. I feel I'm wasting such precious time.

Also my mind is taking up with thinking about my next surgery, if I need any, which at this point, I think I do as the left lower lump is still there, and my lowers look hollowed and my left lower eyelid is still drooping (not as much as before, but it seems to be falling down a little more daily whereas the right one is staying up). I'm figuring out how I can do the next surgery again without working knowing, how I can take 3 weeks off work to heal (it'll have to be x'mas again) and the *story* to make up - ie I'll have to say I'm going home to Singapore and Indonesia as I haven't been in 6 years which is why I need to take so long. I'm also then thinking about now and then and how I'm going to cope and how my eyes are going to look in betwen now and then and/or if they'll be in any decent shape (I hope they will be) - if it's 80% improvement, I'll be happy and able to cope with it.

Then there's the boredom of work and working all that overtime to pay off my credit cards financially for the last surgery which is going to take me years. I am working all the hours I can ie 11 hour days or so just to make the overtime to pay my credit cards each month and slowly but surely the amounts are coming down. The surgeries / reconstruction hasn't been cheap and I'm a single woman with a mortgage that two people should be paying and paying off for 4 surgeries so far and more to come - I can't get my head around it as to how I'm managing to stay afloat but somehow I am. I'm just glad I'm able to work overtime at work to help pay my credit cards - I know a lot of people who would like revisions but can't afford them. I remember before I started this journey ie with Jane Olver that I couldn't do it cos I couldn't afford it but when I decided to make the plunge, I committed 100% into my healing journey and I'm glad I did as it's made a huge difference in my life.

My left lower eyelid seems to pop back up a little in the afternoons and seems to yo yo and I think ok mischievious little piece of skin. I'm thinking perhaps Jane had a plan re my lowers and that when my stitches are removed, the skin will sit differently somehow(?) - I don't know. I'm hoping. I also don't know how my eyes are going to look when the stitches are out as I don't think my outers are sewn up too much - I can't really tell what's happened - I see lots of stitches but not too sure what happened ... I'm confused. I'll ask Jane when I see her next Friday.

Day 8 post surgery : Tues 13 June 06

Today has been such an ikky day - it's been going progressively seemingly downhill since the weekend - and it all seemed to start when I started throwing up from the antibiotics and then my upper left eyelid started throbbing and out came a cyst and/or it could be a lump from the fat transfer and an allergic reaction(?) - who knows and the past few days my eyes have just been feeling tighter and tighter and more restrictive as they seemingly are metamorphising into something new.

The metamorphisis is disturbing for use of a word and is a weird feeling as my eyes feel like they are bulging out of my eye sockets and throb and all I want to do is rub my eyes but I can't. They feel tight cos of the stitches and the heat hasn't helped thou thankfully today it rained - albeit my washing got wet, which was outside drying overnight.

I look into the mirror and I see changes daily - loathe the cyst on my upper left eyelid (or what seems to be) and am feeling upset about the left lower lid lump which seemingly is starting to reappear again - I'm convinced it hasn't gone as it feels hard unlike my lower right eyelid (outer area) which feels soft. I think that's what upset me the most today, ie knowing subconsciously that my lower left eyelid lump is still there and if that is still the case next week when my stitches are out, it'll just mean more months (6 or so) of me living with the lump which technically would mean that I'd have lived with it for 2 years as in 6 months time, it'll be 2 years since my original disaster bleph.

The though of having to go through another lower eyelid surgery / reconstruction and the financial worry of it is an emotional rollercoaster; unless there's no cost for the surgery in which case it'll be different ie a release financially but nonetheless another uproot as I'd have to take more time off work as annual leave to heal and recover from what would be my 5th eye surgery / reconstruction. My head can't take it and I'm an emotional wreck as it is anyway these days. I'm not my normal self and am eating extra portions - all of a sudden my appetite seems to have doubled and I'm eating more - this is so weird. What am I turning into? I feel like I'm being possessed.

Hiding the fact I've had surgery from work colleagues and friends who email me also feels deceitful (sighs) (sniffles). I've been taking it out on mom a little and snapping at her - or rather I don't seem to have much patience with her lately that I normally do.

Jane did say that this would be a trying time and that at the end of the 3 weeks', I'd need a holiday to recover from this. (sighs). At the end of 3 weeks, I'll be returning to a job I don't want to be in .... and desperately hoping my bruises and eyes would have recovered by then; and that I don't put on too much weight between now and then.

Picture progress - Mon 12th June 06 one week post surgery

Pix taken a week post surgery.

A week post surgery (Mon 12th June 06)

It's amazing how time flies and yet at the same time sometimes feels to slow down ....

I created a photo album using http://www.tripod.com cos my blogger just isn't posting pictures (which is frustrating) http://indianaeyes.tripod.com/indiana_healing_eyes/ to journal my healing journey in pictures.

Today was another hot day and it was way too hot to exercise - I tried but failed as it was just too hot.

Went out to the mall with mom to get some tshirts/vests but it was uncomfortably hot for me and it was difficult for me to try on vests and get them over my head. I was in disguise with sunglasses and a sun hat so people couldn't see my eyes but mom said it was obvious that I'd had surgery. I wonder if my eyes could be seen through my sunglasses. The stitches were feeling tight and my eyes felt tight and occasionally I could feel stinging and pulling and just generally feel the stitches. It was just also way too hot to do anything and my car doesn't have air conditioning. I am yearning for rain at this point. It's beautiful weather but it's just too hot.

I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon. Occasionally my stomach feels ikky and I remember the vomiting session. My hives are going down and it hopefully means that the antibiotics and sterioid side effects are leaving my body. I am suffering from thrush again which is very frustrating. My body is just hyper sensitive.

I'm also feeling emotional - ie crying easily - I'd say I was hormonal perhaps - though I'm not sure if it's the side effects of the steroid prednisolone - probably as it's similar to what happened the last time.

I am worried about my left lower eyelid a little as I think it may have gotten overlooked during the surgery. It's been the bane of my life since the original surgery was bodged in Dec 04 and if it was indeed overlooked, it would mean I'd have to have another lower eyelid surgery to fix it and I really would prefer not to. I will have to wait and see when the stitches come out. Fingers and toes crossed.

I'm sleeping well in that my eyes are almost closing and I haven't needed to use Lacrilube for a week now which is wonderful.

My friend S, whom I haven't been in touch with for 8 years, and whom recently surfaced as her relationship ended, has been calling a lot. I think she's lonely. I ended our friendship 8 years ago because I couldn't take how I felt when I was around her ie depressed and pulled down and I'm aiming not to allow myself to get back into that same situation. I can give her the tools to help her help herself though I will not allow myself to get sucked back into the dysfunctional friendship we had years ago. I've changed so much since then and I would think the chances of that happening are slim. I wish her well and am here for her but in a healthy way.

Friends and family
No one knows I've had this recent surgery apart from my mom and my sister and of course those at Make Me Heal. My best friend knows at some point I'm scheduled for my next surgery but I haven't told her the date and she doesn't know that I've had it and I intend to keep it that way. I haven't seen my best friend since the hair dressing incident in February this year, some 4 months ago. I was feeling very low and depressed and was very upset about my wig issue and I felt she lacked compassion for me and was very judgemental - it was an amalgamation of many months and years of *mental and emotional* abuse and I no longer wanted to put up with it. She loves me and cares for me but I feel very depressed and dragged down when I'm around her and chose to no longer be around her.

I am tired of the judgement of friends who mean well and yet they keep saying things like okay this is your last surgery now - you're getting addicted to it etc and "nothing was wrong with you in the first place - why did you have to go and fix something that wasn't broke" etc. When I feel upset with them they don't understand and think they are doing me a favour by saying what they are saying. They're all close to losing my friendship as I don't want to be around people that don't understand and whom judge me and my choices in life. I'm 41 years old and an adult and if I have made and am making mistakes re the surgeries I'm choosing to have in my life, that's my mistake to make in life and if they're true friends, they'll stand by me and support me throughout whatever it is that I'm' going through in life irrespective, instead of judging and making me wrong for my choices in life.

The same principle goes for my work colleagues. They criticise and comment non stop about my eye bags for months and years and when I have surgery, they whisper that I've opted for plastic surgery and make their own judgements about my choices in life. Get a life people.

I'm at a crossroads in my life right now as I no longer like my job, am cross with my boss and the other assistants I'm working with (well one anyway) and feel it's time to move on, but internally in the firm. I'm hoping to do so when I get back to work. New team, new start elsewhere and new challenges. I hope things will work out when I get back as I'm *dying* a slow death in my current role.

Day 6 & 7 post surgery : Sat & Sun 9-10 June 06

Yesterday, Saturday, Day 6 post surgery was an awful day as when I woke, my body was still recovering from the effects of vomiting up pretty much everything in my stomach. I was shaky inside and generally feeling unwell, albeit in shock by the whole event as well. I hadn't been prepared for that at all. In fact Jane nor the hospital had given me any post surgery instructions - though the nurse who discharged me merely said I should know it all as I've been through it before. Well that was with a brow lift and eye surgery - this was different ... I mean fat transfer - what was I supposed to expect from that? If anyone from the MMH board was to ask me about Coleman Fat Transfer, geez, I couldn't tell them anything as I don't know anything apart from it can become lumpy afterwards for a while as that is what I was told by Jane, and that she judges results at about the 12 week post surgery period.

People on the MMH board are probably more aware and knowledgeable of fat transfer than I am as I really know nothing and haven't been told much. I know Jane does it but I don't think it's her speciality and that she still personally prefers to use Restylane and tries to encourage the use of Restylane - perhaps cos that's what she knows best.

I went to Bluewater (braved it in the heat) with mom and we had Nandos but I couldn't take the heat and also wasn't feeling very well stomach wise and needed to get back home after about an hour out. I was feeling very delicate and my eyes were still feeling tight - cos of being "stitched" up. It's a weird feeling.

Sunday 10th June 06
Day 7 post surgery - I woke up feeling much better today. It's been great sleeping without using Lacrilube and my eyes don't pop open. I'm not sure if my eyes are open at all when I sleep - I need to take some pictures and see if they are. Though cos my outer eyes are sewn up / stitched up, my eyes are small right now deliberately for the next fortnight and that perhaps helps a lot in the eyes not staying open and / or being easy to shut. It does feel wonderful to not need to use Lacrilube - the freedom is a joy :)

My stomach felt much better today and I was feeling more like myself and was able to stay out longer. My eyes still feel tight and stitched up (as they would I guess) and occasionally they feel a little sore and bruised.

Last nite I used an ice pack on my eyes for the first time since the operation and it was nice and refreshing.

I'm also starting to suffer from thrush again a little (sighs). Today my right arm was suffering less from hives ie lumps of red rashes from the antibiotics and is seemingly recovering; as my last dose of antibiotics was yesterday.

I've taken pics the past 2 days though will probably post them all tomorrow. The blogger is still playing up picture wise (bah).

I wonder what my eyes will look like when the stitches are all about ie from the outer corners. Will my lower lids start to drop back again and my eyes look bigger? Or are some of the stitches permanent? I didn't ask Jane these questions cos I really didn't know quite fully what she did. I know she does things as she sees fit and at times doesn't quite have a plan and does her surgery according to the needs of the moment. I trust she has an eye for what the outcome needs to be and I'll be clued in at some point :)

Day 5 post surgery : Friday 9 June 06

Blogger is still not accepting pictures properly which is soooooo frustrating. Arrrgh.

Anyways, last nite sleeping was difficult strangely and I tossed and turned so to speak and finally drifted off sleeping on my bed wedges. I had one on both sides of the bed and went back and forth sleeping half way sitting between them both - it seemed to do the trick. I wonder why I'm feeling restless.

Anyway trains were delayed which was frustrating and we got to the hospital 20 mins late but Jane was running late so all wasn't too bad. It felt really strange to walk out of the house with just one eye functioning and to walk on the trains and actually in public as it's technically my first time out of the house since my op as it's just been straight into the taxi and back in the house since I left the hospital on Tuesday.

I was surprisingly in good form ie healthy and no signs of tiredness or anything related to being affected by the anaesthesia, which is a first for me. I wonder if it's cos it was local and/or if it's due to all the working out I did for weeks prior to my surgery as I really wanted to make sure I was in good shape for my surgery and after cos I really want to do my yoga workshop in 2 weeks time from now. Whatever it was, it seems to be working - yay!

Mom found it difficult to keep up with me (yikes!) as I was walking to the hospital - I didn't realise I was walking so fast.

Jane eventually called me in and went and got her tools. The man who is helping her or rather from Australia and helping her or working with her for a year was there as well. Jane prised off the bandages which by now were sticky as they'd been on for so long and she asked me to keep my eye shut when the bandage came off for a while. Unlike after surgery when the bandage first came off on Day 2, then I couldn't open my eyes if I wanted to as they seemed glued shut but this time, I had to make an effort to keep it shut as the past few days I'd been able to open it a little; but keeping it bandaged seemed to have done the trick for Jane as she seemed happy with the results and said that she thought that the lift on the lower lid retraction had taken and that it would stick - yay!

I think this sounds like no upper mouth graft to my lower left lid (smiles). Whew! Fingers and toes crossed. Jane and the other surgeon talked amongst themselves about their work while they looked at my face and I felt like I was a specimen (grins) and/or a piece of equipment that they were discussing rather than a person. It's fine - it is what it is and he's there to study from her after all - though they did both forget that I was in the room and were discussing technicalities which were far beyond me or my understanding; though whatever it was they were discussing, they seemed fairly pleased with their work. Main thing right(?).

How did it feel to finally have the left bandage removed - relief :) and also strange. My face was all sticky and gooey from the bandage and actually still is right now even though it's been hours since I've been back. My eyes aren't as bruised as I'd thought they'd be at Day 5 - I wonder if it's the reiki I've been giving myself. Perhaps. My eyes are purplish and are bruised to some extent and they are sewn at the outer edges. Jane decided she wanted to keep the stitches in for another couple of weeks and I'm scheduled to see her again two Fridays from now.

That was it really - nothing else was really discussed - apart from me listening to their conversation about their work which was too technical for me and them both saying they were really pleased - Jane took photos per usual. I asked the all important question ie could I resume working out as my body is aching to get back to exercising and Jane said yes (sweet music to my ears!). I don't intend doing much to begin with - just cardio on the exercise bike and elliptical and taking it from there. I'm not light headed at all and apart from my eyes being slanted and small, there's no sign really that I've had surgery. Let's hope this is the final surgery; ie invasive surgery - as I still would like to have more Isolagen on my nasal labial lines injected and jowls etc ....

9.30pm
After dinner, and during my dessert of eating ice cream as a treat, my stomach went into convulsions, as it had when I was in hospital. I went to the bathroom, started coughing a little and lo and behold everything I'd eaten for dinner started vomiting out of my mouth non stop and my stomach kept convulsion like it was pushing everything out of my stomach. I had to catch all the vomit (ergh) in my hands and could only pour it into the sink while I continued to vomit. It seemed never ending. It was like someone was inside my stomach squeezing it making it vomit everything out.

I went back to finish what was left of my ice cream and within minutes my stomach started convulsing again and as I stood up, I started vomiting again into a towel I had with me. I put my head down the lavatory and kept vomiting until nothing else would come out. I'd never experienced such severe stomach convulsions before - it squeezed itself until nothing else could come out. It was freaky.

It has to be the amoxycillin (antibiotics) side effects :

Amoxicillin Side Effects
Amoxicillin might cause side effects. Tell your health care provider if any of these symptoms are serious or do not go aside:
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea

Some side effects can be serious. The following symptoms are rare, but if you get any of them, phone call your physician right away:
severe skin rash
hives
seizures
yellowing of the skin or eyes
unusual bleeding or bruising
pale skin
excessive tiredness
lack of energy

Amoxicillin may cause additional side effects. Send for your health professional if you have any unusual problems while considering this medicament.

Day 4 post surgery : Thurs 8 June 06

Day 2 post surgery - Tues 6th June 06






Day 3 post surgery - Weds 7 June 06











Day 4 post surgery - Thurs 8 June 06


I'm feeling bored and restless still. Am used to working out and now that I can't and have to just sit and watch tv as there's nothing else I can do cos I only have one functional eye is really challenging. Sometimes the eye gets blurry and I can't even look at the laptop though mostly it's been ok; though last nite it was a bit blurry for a while.

I think this surgery wasn't as major as the last surgery, thankfully. My bowels are still moving which is wonderful as that's one of the worst parts about recovery when you're feeling bloated.

I woke up this morning and my eyes felt slightly dry but I can't obviously do anything to my left eye cos it's all bandaged up. I cleansed my right eye with saline solution and put in the eye drops they gave me plus took my anbitiotics and steroids ie predinostone, though not before giving reiki to it. Today is my last dose of predinostone (spelling?) thankfully; though I think I have a little more of the antibiotics to go through.

Tomorrow I go to see Jane to get my bandage removed along with the traction on my left eye ie the thread that is hanging from my lower eyelids.

My left knee hurt this am and is starting to bruise a little (yellow). My right eye seems to be opening more and I'm not sure if it's becoming more swollen - I guess it has to go through the stages. I am giving my eyes reiki healing though haven't been taking arnica (only on the day of surgery did I take arnica) - just haven't gotten round to taking it since as I'm always drinking water and you're not supposed to take homeopathy 15 mins before and after water.

I still can't get the blogger to accept pictures which is frustrating.

Day 3 post surgery : Weds 7th June 06

Day 3 post surgery, and I still can't post pictures to my blog (bah!). Fed up trying.

I was feeling very restless yesterday and didn't get to sleep till about 3am and even then I was dreading going to sleep just in case my eyes got dry overnight etc and I'd end up in pain etc, but thankfully it didn't. I was also worried about sleeping in my own bed using the bed wedges and that I'd be uncomfortable - but it all worked out fine.

It's been an unusual experience having local anaesthethic as I feel fine and have done since I woke up. No queasiness or grogginess and even my bowels moved last night which is very unusual for major surgery. I credit it with the fact that I gave myself reiki during my hospital stay and also gave reiki to the medications I was taking. I was very pleased last nite not to be constipated as usually it lasts for over a week and the stomach gets very bloated and painful; but not this time thankfully.

I am irritated though and just had an argument with my mom or rather got angry at her as she was preparing the raw cat food for the kitties - she's in such a rush to get out of the house and go pay her rent, she was not paying attention to what I was asking her to do, which was somethign really simple, ie to let me know when she'd finished stirring the supplements so I could put in some other stuff - but oh no, she goes and pours what she's already got onto the raw meat and ruins everything .. bah. I just lost it .... must be the prednisolone (sniffles) ie steroid effects.

Nothing much to report really apart from my eye is swollen but I can see normally and there's no pain - only the first two days it felt like my eyes / skin were cut but that's all gone. It just feels uncomfortable having my left eye taped up and only seeing with one eye as it limits me with what I can do.

I'm dreading going to Central London to see Jane on Friday as I'll be needing to go on public transport on the trains during peak hour with an eye bandaged. People will be staring. I could get a taxi but that would cost a lot of money and I've spent too much as it is already. It'll be an experience I guess. Mom was going to go with me but the way I feel right now, I'd rather she didn't. She can be really difficult when she wants to be and definitely challenging. I do understand she doesn't like it when I get angry with her though she gives just cause and when I eventually do lose my temper with her, it's usually cos I can take no more and have reached boiling point. I have to treat her like she's a young child sometimes as she's so uneducated about health and safety, having been born in the late 30s and in a third world country. She's just also very stubborn. Ah well, part and parcel of being a family I guess to have conflicts. It's blown over now as we're talking again - I changed my voice tone and she's calmed down ....

Surgery : 5th June 06 : Lower eyelid reconstruction, upper eyelid ptosis repair (including eyelash, lower eyelid retraction repair & fat transfer

I just got back home ..... feeling tired but restless, with one eye bandaged ie the left eye.

Finally the day came yesterday Monday 5th June 06 for my long awaited lower eyelid reconstruction, ptosis repair and coleman fat transfer to my upper and lower eyes plus also some form of lower eyelid pull up ie like canthopexy.

I'd been busy with my reiki charity day on the Friday before and worked the whole weekend which meant my mind was far from thinking about the surgery which was good.

On arrival at the hospital I wasn't too happy with the finance administrator who called me into his office to fill out some registration forms as I'd forgotten to send them through. He told me that BUPA's approval for payment hadn't gone through and was pending and that I should call them when I got to my room as they may not pay for my treatment. I asked him which surgery he was talking about and he said all of them and wouldn't be specific as to whether it was December's surgery or yesterday's surgery. I looked on his screen and where it said insurance, it had an approved mark so heavens' only knows what he's talking about though it did really upset me as I felt offended by his approach. If I hadn't known any better from my discussions with BUPA, I could have been severely depressed and upset about the whole thing just before my surgery. He should have known better. What did he expect me to do - walk away? DOH! If BUPA had any probs with paying for the surgery they would have contacted me long before.

Anyway, I had a couple of hours wait before my surgery. Jane came in to see me with a surgeon from Australia who was working with her for a year and we went through the procedures I was having done and I signed the customary agreement forms. It was interesting I hadn't seen the "death and blindness" part before or perhaps it just stood out this time. I found it intriguigng that people sign away their consent that if they enter into surgery that they could die. Would this stand up in court if I died from consultant's neglect during surgery ie that I'd signed away my consent? Baffles the mind as to what it means then when I sign away my consent that I could die during surgery. What am I signing? :)

Around 11am I walk into surgery and lie on the table which per usual is cold (I wonder why this is) - perhaps it's cos I'm half dressed! It's a new anaesthesist - than the one I had before whom I liked a lot and who was very kind and concerned about me after my surgery and who came to see me a few times after to make sure I was ok.

I had local anaesthethic this time and I wasn't sure what to expect. The customary needle was put into my left hand and anaesthethic cocktail (gin and tonic as they call it) was injected into me which left a cold feeling entering into my body. I was then left alone for a while by both the anaesthesist and the nurse accompanying him while they went to prepare other stuff. I found this interesting as I was all alone for quite some time with a needle and cocktails floating into me. Hmmmm.... Then he returned and I was wheeled into the operating theatre. A whole bunch of other things happened which are vague to me now ... though I do remember laughing gas being put onto my nose which made it itch but it didn't feel like it had much effect. When the original local anaesthesia went into me, I started feeling drowsy but I soon got used to it.

A few people in the operating room and in my room came up to me and said they recognised me from 6 months ago ... good memory of them :) Right now i can't remember what Jane did to get started .. oh yes I think she put stuff into my eyes and then she started injecting my eyelids with anaesthesia and darn that hurt sooooo much. Jane said that there was a lot of trauma (if that was the right word she used) in my eyelids from my original eye surgery ie it felt like injecting into barbed wire. It stung a lot and I had tears in my eyes. The anaesthesist kept asking me to take deep breaths of the laughing gas but it didn't seem to do anything for me. Then I felt Jane pull on my lower eyelid ie where it had retracted and it felt like she was cutting into my skin .... I think I said something alnog the lines of that really hurts and I may have asked her to stop (I can't remember) as the next thing I think they did was give me more sedation and knocked me out (thankfully as I don't think I could have taken any more pain).

Oh yeah, before they started on my eyes they took fat from my left leg which I did feel but I don't think it hurt but I didn't like it.

I woke up after surgery or just before they woke me up and I felt claustrophobic and couldn't understand what was happening. They told me that they'd bandaged both my eyes and it would stay that way till Tuesday. Oh dear. There was nothing I could do. I remember asking if I'd missed anything as I couldn't remember much about the ending. A man's voice said that they'd increased my sedation and I went to sleep. I heard the same man say everything went really went during the surgery and that he'd see me on Friday. I assume I must have still been in the operating theatre and that it was the Australian man who was working with Jane. I could have been in recovery - I'm not sure as I couldn't see a thing. It was the weirdest feeling to not be able to open my eyes. It's like they were glued shut. (It turnes out later they were under traction ie they'd sewn them shut - eek). I have pictures of the threads hanging down which i'll post some stage later.

I was then wheeled back to my room and I immediately wanted to use the bathroom. The nurse said she'd give me a bedpan to which I said NO - ergh don't like them as they're so undignified and insisted I walked. She said I'd just gotten out of surgery and I said I'd be fine and wanted to try. Thankfully I was and managed to walk the few feet to the bathroom (whew!). I came out of theatre around 2pmish and it all started about 11.30pm - so I must have been in there around 2 hours. I'm so glad I was asleep as I couldn't have taken any more pain.

I was given some water and ice cream which was welcome as it was a hot day and though I was restless I eventually tried to get some sleep. The whole experience was just weird not being able to see anything and totally relying on the nurses for everything. I felt disabled. They were very kind and patient even when I went to the bathroom like a dozen times ie every hour or half an hour (I drink a lot of water).

The evening was spent listening to my Ipod, falling asleep every now and then and having dinner while I couldn't see anything - one of the nurses had to tell me where my food was and we specially ordered food I didn't need to see ie sandwiches ... it was interesting eating a cheesecake and not being able to see it! :)

The night wasa restless though I dozed in and out of sleep and went to the bathroom a lot plus I got cold around 3.30am and the nurse had to bring my duvet and jacket etc and a whoel bunch of other things ie my mobile alarm went off at 3.48am and she needed to retrieve that for me as it wouldn't stop until we'd switched it off (even though it was off the alarm still comes on). All in all an interesting nite :).

In the morning after breakfast (which I again ate without being able to see), one of the nurses came into take off my bandages. When they were off, which was scary as it felt so bright, she said my eyes were in traction ie they'd been sewn together and she needed Jane to take them off as she didn't have enough experience. Jane did come shortly after and after taking a look she said that the left eye needed to go back up at least until Friday when I saw Jane next). The right eye could be released. She told the nurse to do it tightly as it'd be useless otherwise.

The nurse then pulled out the threads on my right eye and oh boy that stung real bad (ouch). The left eye feels like it's stil open and I rang Jane when I got home but she said it couldn't be as it'd hurt if it was .. so ok, I'll take her word for it.

I took the opportunity to ask Jane a few questions while she was there. Apparently she doesn't see patients after surgery as she's such a busy woman. It does feel quite unsettling when that happens as each time at blackheath hospital where I've had surgeries, I always get a visit by the surgeon after to tell me how it's gone. I guess Jane is just too busy.

She said that she'd put fat in my uppers (left eye about 65% and right eye about25-30% I think) to even them out and she said she didn't put any fat on my lower eyelids as she didn't think it necessary. She'd tried to move any fat she found there around to disperse it and said that was enough. It's too early for me to judge for myself as I'm all bruised though I hope it's all fine as I'd hate to have to have another surgery to do fat transfer to my lowers.

We didn't talk about the ptosis repair or eyelash repair and didn't mention the lower left eyelid retraction ... she said that everything went well which was good enough for me - I trust her judgement. I did ask about the pain of the injections and she said my eyes had a lot of trauma or internal scarring from my original surgery as the area wasn't soft tissue as she expected. Darn original butcher surgeon.

While the nurse went to get some bandages I took the opp to take some photos of my eyes without the bandage and well there's nothing really to see as they just look bruised like after all blephs and it's too early to tell. I'll post pixs later if I get round to it.

One good thing is that I didn't suffer from any nausea from the local anaesthesia thankfully. Just that horrendous pain of the original injections into my upper and lower eyelids and what felt like the cutting of my lower left eyelid. I was traumatised about that for hours after and the pain was all I could think about.

I was upset that I had to take steroids again ie predisterone (spelling?) and antibiotics as that's what caused my thrush for 5 months and I just managed to get rid of it and now it will probably return again. Jane said it was only for 3 days this time and was to reduce any potential swelling. The nurse said it was most likely the antibiotics that caused the thrush. I gave reiki to both the steroids and antibiotics before I took them to take away any bad side effects (it's supposed to work).

The nurse suggested I stay till after lunch before I went home, which I did, and it was good as mom wasn't home when I got back and I'd nothing in the house to cook.

I asked Jane and the nurse if I could exercise and or at least use my exercise bike and they both said no ... (sniffles). I don't wanna get flabby and out shape again ..... (sniffles). A few days won't do any harm but look what happened last time ie Dec 04- I got so depressed I didn't work out for a year and a half and lost the routine. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.

When I had to fill in the questionnaire at the beginning of the day yesterday as to how many surgeries I'd had, they all said how come so many? Even the nurse yesterday and today who was with me during my Y-V browlift couldn't understand why I was having so many surgeries and I had to explain that I originally wanted to get rid of eye bags and it's turned into a huge reconstruction cos it went badly wrong. She asked quite a few times as she didn't understand it when I explained it to her the first time. I guess if you look at my before picture, I look fine (kinda unless you know what you're looking at). (sighs). I felt bad but hey I don't want all these surgeries and when we said our final goodbyes earlier today we both said we hoped we wouldn't see each other again (in the best sense cos I don't want any more surgeries).

So I think that's it for now ... got a taxi home and the weather was beautifully sunny, I slept in the cab and got charged £10 more than I did in Dec - probably cos we hit a traffic jam.

I just have to figure what I'm going to do for the next 3 days until Friday when I have to go see Jane again and how I'm going to get there with one eye bandaged! During peak hour too!

Indi

p/s
Side effects of Prednisolone (steroids). Explains why I got depressed and why my menstrual cycles went from 4 weeks to 7 weeks apart for 5 months. BTW I didn't get a steroid card this time. I wonder if it's cos it's only for 3 days.

What side effects can be expected?
It is very important that you always carry a Steroid Card with you in the event that you take ill and are seen by another Doctor. Cards are available from Chemists and should be supplied with your prescription. They tell other Doctors all they need to known about your treatment that might have a bearing on other treatments you require, especially in an emergency. It is often necessary, for example, to supplement the steroid that you take with extra doses by injection if you suffer an acute illness or if you require any form of surgery.

The following is a list of possible side effects some or all of which can occur to a greater or lesser extent. Most are controlled by careful adjustment of dosage and are generally preventable by monitoring from time to time.

Indigestion or abdominal discomfort is a relatively common side effect and the reason why each dose of Prednisolone should be taken with food. Peptic ulcers are more likely to develop in people who require long term treatment with medicines of this kind so that your Doctor should be informed if severe symptoms occur. Further investigation may be necessary in such cases.
Long term treatment with steroids may lead to "thinning" of the bones and development of a condition known as osteoporosis which is associated with an increased risk of bone fractures. This is less likely to occur when normal (physiological) doses or even lower doses are used.
Steroids produce other metabolic side effects (i.e. interfere with the chemical balance of the body). They alter salt and water and potassium and calcium balance and increase blood sugar levels (diabetes may be unmasked in susceptible individuals). There is often an increased appetite, weight gain and susceptibility to infection and poor healing of injuries or wounds.
Menstrual irregularities and complete absence of monthly periods can occur in women receiving treatment with steroid hormones, another reason to maintain the lowest dose feasible..
A condition resembling Cushing’s Syndrome (Cushingoid) results from high or excessive dosage.

The symptoms include the appearance of a typical large, rounded or "moon" face, a reddish/ruddy complexion, obesity which may be noticed as swelling of the trunk, and the deposition of pads of fatty tissue behind the shoulder blades described as a "buffalo hump". The skin texture can become thin and stretched, there may be purple streaks across the abdomen (due to damage to very small surface blood vessels). It is stressed that the Cushingoid appearance can be prevented or controlled by careful dosage adjustment. This is why your specialist aims for the lowest dose of prednisolne which makes you feel well.

Steroids (especially in high dosage) can have unpredictable effects on mood and behaviour. This may be a particular problem for those who suffer from mental illness. Steroids have been associated with euphoria (a feeling of wellbeing) but also depression and occasionally cause sleep disturbances. They may also raise the intracranial pressure (pressure within the brain) associated with the development of headache.

Steroids also raise the pressure of fluid within the eye ball (intra-ocular pressure) predisposing to the related condition glaucoma. Cataracts are more likely to form in people treated with steroids and there may be thinning of the outer cover of the eye with increased risk of eye infections.

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From another site - acne and irregular periods are what I've had for 5 months - I ran this through Jane and she insisted it wasn't the steriods (it frustrates me when that happens ie something happens to me and a doctor insists it is not the medication when I know full well it is as my periods were never like that for ages and my body was depressed and I wasn't myself.

Possible side effects of prednisolone
http://www.cambridge-transplant.org.uk/drugs/prednisolone.htm

As with any medication side effects are possible. This means you may experience some or none of the following side effects:

Stomach irritation which can sometimes lead to bleeding ulcers. You will be given anti-ulcer medication to help prevent this. Always take prednisolone with or after food. Report to your doctor if you vomit blood or if your stools become blackened.

Weight Gain, especially around the face. This will decrease as your dose is decreased. Weigh yourself regularly and if you gain weight suddenly in a short period of time notify your doctor. Follow the dietary guidelines.

High blood glucose (which may lead to Diabetes). Your blood glucose (sugar) levels will be monitored. Again, follow dietary guidelines.

Mood swings may occur -emotions may swing from very happy to very depressed. Ensure family and friends are aware of this so they can be supportive and understanding.

Skin changes - acne, delayed healing, papery skin, bruising and muscle weakness or loss. Use strict hygiene when dealing with open sores. Use moisturising barrier creams. Try to avoid knocks and bumps to the skin and follow exercise guidelines.

Softening of bones (osteoporosis). Eat foods high in calcium or take supplements.

Salt and fluid retention, this may lead to an increase in blood pressure. Avoid excess salt in your diet - follow dietary guidelines.

Eyes may be affected . Have regular eye checks.

Irregular periods may occur in females.

Increased risk of developing infections may occur with all anti-rejection drugs. Report any signs of infection (e.g. sore throat) to your doctor. Report to your doctor immediately if you come into contact with anyone with chickenpox or if you catch chickenpox within a three month period of stopping treatment.

Never stop taking your prednisolone without your doctor's instruction.