Depressed (Sat 1st July 06)

I'm feeling depressed - more so than normal. I took a video of my eyes yesterday and at certain angles when the light catches my face, because of my right lower eyelid hollow, my face just looks old and skeletal and the swollen right cheekbone from that acne infection doesn't help as it adds to the hollow. And the left eye retraction doesn't help. I just hate looking at myself in the mirror when the light catches the right lower eyelid hollow as I look like I'm 60 years old. It's heartbreaking.

I'm 41 years old, single and how am I supposed to hold my head up high and feel attractive to another man when I feel I look like a 60 year old skeletal person's face? It's depressing. A woman needs to feel attractive - we all do, no matter whether we're single and/or in an existing married relationship.

I don't even know what to think right now. I feel very upset, depressed and disappointed that the lower eyelid fat transfer didn't take place as expected and that Jane instead chose to do the moving of fat around (whatever that's called) and while it seemed to work on the left eye, it got worst on the right lower eyelid as that hollow was never there before and I'm confused as to what went wrong? Is it cos it's early days yet? How can that be if my left lower has been fine from the get go ie straight after the surgery?

I'm hoping once the swelling of the right cheekbone goes down that the right eye lower hollow won't look so bad. While I am happy when I look at my eyes and look at my uppers and like what I see, when the sunlight catches my face and/or the normal light in the house / mirror catches my eyes, my hollows and retraction are not very pleasant to look at. I look like I've aged 20 years.

I wish I could stay at home and heal while my face and eyes heal themselves over the next few weeks/months and just become a hermit but no, I have to face the world and the public next Monday; and lots of them at that as I've got the reiki charity days to sort out, more yoga workshops to organise for the next coming months, people to meet up with and promote etc etc and my face is the first thing they say. How do confident you think I'll feel with my left lower eyelid retraction and right eye hollow? (sniffles).

Fingers crossed that this is only temporary and that the next few days/weeks, something will shift and I'll be able to look a little bit normal ie what that right cheek infection goes down. My heart is very disappointed and sad. (sniffles) and I can't talk to my friends and I get frustrated sometimes cos I have to put on a pretend happy front to them when I'm feeling bruised and sore in my eyes and my infection hurts and I feel ikky inside.

The photos shared on here do not reflect what my eyes and face look like in real life, in 3D and in motion, with the light shining and with the eyes moving around and blinking. The photos only show a still shot of me looking forward. I'd need another person to take a video of my eyes while I'm talking and my eyes are moving around and blinking etc for you to get a true life picture and idea and well that ain't gonna happen as no one knows I've had this done and while I can video myself it's difficult to get the angle that I need to capture the appropriate video to show you guys and I haven't got the time to do all that's necessary.

When I blink or close my eyes, my left eye feels strange and different to my right eye and has done for a while (I think the sensation was there from my last surgery and I'm not sure if it was there before that - it may have been - I can't remember). My left eye feels it takes longer to close and it takes more effort. I did an experiment today and if I hold up my left lower eyelid with my finger and close my eyes, there is no pressure and it feels normal to close my eyes as it doesn't have far to go (this is what Jane said some time ago). Because the lower left eyelid is retracted, it has more of a distance to go to blink and/or close the eyes.

Because of this strange feeling whenever I blink, my left eye just feels weird all the time and like it doesn't belong to me and feels alien. How long will this feeling last? Will it go away if I have my mouth graft?

Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of all the surgeries my eyes have gone through and it's like geez I hope my eyes will heal from this surgery as this one feels different - in that my eyes feel fat and the muscles ache. I can't even remember if my eyes felt this bad after my Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction. Sometimes I think geez I hope I don't have irrepairable damage that can't be fixed as I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life looking like this and/or not able to close my left eye properly for the rest of my life.