Friday 21 July 06 - 6 weeks 4 days post op

Last nite while I was moisturing my face, I noticed that when I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, my right upper eyebrow lifts up automatically cos my right eye can't see properly (ie vision is blocked) and if I close my right eye, my left eye is normal and the eyebrow doesn't move. Arrggggh!! It was quite freaky. I only experimented cos I'd mentioned last nite on my blog that I'd been noticing more and more that my right side of forehead, right upper eye and right corner of the eye had numb sensations all down and the right outer eye feels tight and looks tight and I'm hoping it's all temporary and it'll ease up at some point in the next few weeks and return to some form of normality (fingers and toes crossed). It's another point I'll have to remember to mention to Jane.

I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.

There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.

Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.

So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.

I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.

Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...

I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....