I'm getting very paranoid as people at work at continuing to stare at my hair (sniffles). I'm not sure if they're admiring it and/or thinking errrgggh that's a wig. Cos I feel so insecure inside, I feel others are looking down on me (sighs). I wish so much I could just get rid of the wig and wear my own hair as I'm tired of the looks - geez it's gone from people staring at my eyes to now staring at my hair (sniffles) though as I said I'm not sure if they're admiring it or thinking ergh, that's a wig and/or hey, she's wearing extensions, or isn't she ... and they stare to take a closer look.
I've lost count now how many people have stared at the top of my head or at the side of my head / hair and how many people have done double takes. NS today did a double take in that he was talking to the others in the desks in front of me and then I caught him doing a double take and staring at me and I'm thinking, what the heck is he looking at? Do I really look that bad? Or is it that I look better now and if that's the case did I really look that horrible before - though if I did look good why on earth would he do a double take? I don't understand.
Why are people looking at the top of my head/hair? I've started to scruffle it up a bit today to make it look scruffy and more natural looking, hoping that'll help and have changed the parting a little. Geez the next 5 months of wearing this wig is going to be a learning curve for me.
My Nourkrin tablets arrived today and a few had broken out of the capsule and oh ergh, they stank!! I hope my breath doesn't smell or my skin when I start to take them, like garlic tablets do to your breath. We shall see. I'll keep a report on my progress.
I wonder whether my face has changed so much from my brow lift that people are doing double takes? I dunno. L has stopped staring at me though I notice now she's doing things to bring attention to herself like buying new ear-rings etc ... what's happening? Does she like how I look and wants to make herself look nice to compete with me? I really don't know nor understand. My look is simple and plain and I'm not trying to bring any attention to myself - quite the opposite in fact.
I'm having dinner with one of my closest friends of 25 years next week who hasn't seen me since Oct/Nov last year and who doesn't know I've had surgery in Dec. He'll be a great test to see if he notices my hair / look etc. Then again he thought I looked good after my surgery with the butcher doctor. (grins). I'm not sure how much he'll notice as he's a guy. We'll see.
I had dinner with mom tonite and she didn't say a word about my hair nor did she stare too much this time. We were watching a cosmetic programme at the time and mom didn't use the opportunity to mention my hair - you'd think she would if she thought my hair was a wig. I started deliberately talking about how people are doing double takes at me and mom smiled and thought that was nice. Hmmm, I was trying to instigate her to say something about my hair if she thought it was a wig and she didn't say a word - mom is usually very opinionated and will say so .... so I must have passed there.
I'm just confused. Today was a rough day wig wise and self consciousness wise ... I need to build up my self esteem and confidence. I need to remind myself that Tyra Banks wears wigs all the time and has a high hairline and I've nothing to be ashamed about and even if people did think I was wearing a wig, so what?!
One thing I have noticed is that one other girl has started to wear fake hair on her ponytail (which makes me wonder) and another girl has been wearing her hair down long more than usual and has been staring at my hair when she passes me. So people are noticing my hair though I don't know what they're thinking - arrrrrrghhh!
Back to my recovery - my forehead feels fine - still feels like I have botox but I'm fine with that. The wooden head feeling is less than before. No itchiness (just mild scratch on the side every now and then under my hair) and no nerve tweaks in the scalp. Fairly normal otherwise. My eyes feel ok though today I napped during my lunchtime and had secondary tearing and my eyes got all red (urgh)l.
Still hate the crinkle on my left upper eyelid and I'm feeling a complex come up about that in that I want to hide that eye especially as with the lower left eyelid droop, it makes it look just worst than it is. I really wish July would hurry up and arrive already.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Day 50 post surgery : Week 7 - Tues 24 Jan 06
Woke feeling fed up this morning. Fed up of seeing the crinkle in my upper left eyelid and the droop in my lower left eyelid and seeing both eyes look different shapes; and also seeing my left upper eyelash not curl properly in the mornings when I use mascara and seeing it droop later in the afternoon. What happened?? My uppers looked great after surgery - I guess it was all that swelling - and now the swelling has gone down, the fat loss in upper eyelid (left) is becoming obvious. I don't think it's going to heal much in the next 6 months though if it does, I'll certainly be happy - I'm keeping an open mind as stranger things have happened.
Also am feeling fed up with my left eye looking sleepy and smaller than my right eye. I do hope that all this can be fixed on my next surgery in July and that we do not need a third as I just don't have the money and geez my credit limit is reaching the sky and above.
Perhaps it's cos my period is due that my hormones are all over the place and I'm feeling slightly on edge - dunno.
L is still staring at me at work on and off and I feel annoyed by it as she's trying to catch me out. So what if I am wearing a wig? I loved it the other day when GG said to her that she was opinionated (chuckles). I hope I wasn't like that when I was 26 years old. Life to me in my forties is certainly strange, as one is older and wiser with hindsight, especially with my spiritual studies of metaphysics over the past almost 20 years.
I washed my wig over the weekend and it's feeling softer and smoother, more like my own hair, though as it's still much thicker, I suspect a fair amount of people in the office are curious as to why my hair looks so different and are wondering if it's a wig or extensions etc. They are slowly beginning to get used to it though. Just think, I've got another 5 months of wearing this wig and it's only been a month. I wonder if I'll stop wearing the wig sooner than the 5 months and if I'll make the end of the 5 months. At the end of 5 months will be my surgery. I haven't wished the year would pass so fast as I do this year! I'm burying myself deep in my work and working long hours mainly to get some money by doing the overtime and also to keep busy.
Also am feeling fed up with my left eye looking sleepy and smaller than my right eye. I do hope that all this can be fixed on my next surgery in July and that we do not need a third as I just don't have the money and geez my credit limit is reaching the sky and above.
Perhaps it's cos my period is due that my hormones are all over the place and I'm feeling slightly on edge - dunno.
L is still staring at me at work on and off and I feel annoyed by it as she's trying to catch me out. So what if I am wearing a wig? I loved it the other day when GG said to her that she was opinionated (chuckles). I hope I wasn't like that when I was 26 years old. Life to me in my forties is certainly strange, as one is older and wiser with hindsight, especially with my spiritual studies of metaphysics over the past almost 20 years.
I washed my wig over the weekend and it's feeling softer and smoother, more like my own hair, though as it's still much thicker, I suspect a fair amount of people in the office are curious as to why my hair looks so different and are wondering if it's a wig or extensions etc. They are slowly beginning to get used to it though. Just think, I've got another 5 months of wearing this wig and it's only been a month. I wonder if I'll stop wearing the wig sooner than the 5 months and if I'll make the end of the 5 months. At the end of 5 months will be my surgery. I haven't wished the year would pass so fast as I do this year! I'm burying myself deep in my work and working long hours mainly to get some money by doing the overtime and also to keep busy.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
6 week post surgery before & after pixs (Jan 06)
Pix taken 14 Dec 05 - a week post surgery
Pix taken 19 Jan 06 - 6 weeks post surgery - eyes do not shut - lagophthalmos of right 2mm and 4mm on left
Before brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction surgery - pix taken Nov 2005
Pix taken 19 Jan 2006 - 6 weeks post surgery - Y-V endo brow lift, bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction, upper left eyelash ptosis repair and upper right eyelid ptosis repair
Day 48 (7 week) post surgery : Sun 22 Jan 06
6 weeks post surgery - taken 21 Jan 06 - Y-V incision area - still has bald patch.
Taken 19 Jan 06, 6 weeks post surgery - the left upper eyelid has a crinkly look due to too much fat being removed from original bleph by butcher surgeon in Dec 04.
I have been somewhat busy and haven't had time to post.
This whole week the other assistant in the team has spent a lot of time staring at me and it really bothers me as it's given me a complex, thinking that geez my hair is out of place or I look horrible etc even though she has been giving me lots of compliments ie like I look good, she likes my hair colour, my face looks fatter etc - though she did question why my hair looked different to which I replied my hair condition had changed cos of the steriods I'd been on.
I'm not sure if she's staring cos she's admiring me and/or if she's trying to figure out what's different about me just to satisfy her own curiousity and she's very inquisitive. My left lower eyelid still droops so if she thinks I've had plastic surgery then she'll be wondering hmm, how come I didn't fix my lower eyelid etc. I give up as I've no idea what's on her mind and what's she's thinking though wish she'd stop darn staring at me as I find it rude.
She'll continue to ask questions though I'm half prepared with answers ie "There'll be nothing more to be mysterious about if I answer your questions etc".
An assistant who's off on maternity leave is scheduled to return to our team on 1st March and L may need to leave our team. I do hope so as it'll stop all the questions and stares. The other assistant will mind her own business as she will just want to get on with her work. She may be curious but she'll be too polite to ask etc.
I washed my hair yesterday and blow dried it for the first time in weeks and it's looking good. The bald areas are still there though looking much better and my hairline isn't as high (whew) and I went to Bluewater with my hair down (normal hair and not the wig) and I felt ok; though I was wearing a winter hat to cover the bald patch; though I did center part my hair which covered up the bald patch.
Jane copied me in on a letter to my doctor which advised that my left upper eyelid has crinkly skin due to too much fat being removed from my original bleph from that butcher surgeon. She may consider doing some fat transfer during my lower bleph surgery in July. I had no idea that the original surgeon had removed fat in my uppers as he never mentioned this during the consult.
Jane also says "the eyelid shape is very good and the palpebral apertures asymmetrical because of the left lower lid sag. She does have lagophtalmos of right 2mm and left approx 4 mm but with a good Bell's phenomena".
I ordered Nourkrin yesterday and hope that in 4-8 weeks from now I'll start to see improvements in my thin hair and also the bald patches improving. Jane thinks it'll improve anyway on my own though as my hair is naturally fine, I'd like to add some volume and the hairdresser I saw the other day did recommend Nourkrin. I'm happy that the supplement which is from shark is natural and happy to experiment for 6 months to see what results I'll have. If Cheryl Baker can change her pony tail to fit a 5p piece to a 10p piece, I'll have some of that as my pony tail is about the same (smiles).
I've been looking at pictures of Tyra Banks on her website and noticing her wig styles and feel better about my own wig (whew). Tyra also has a high hairline and that makes me feel better too about mine though I'm not too keen on my thin hair; hence why taking Nourkrin. My hair is getting thicker as it is slowly recovering from the damage from the chemicals used to wash my hair during my brow lift. There is quite a difference in my hair quality now than a few weeks ago. My hair is still thin but it's much better. Whew.
I'm getting stares here and there from guys all over the place. B in the office was talking to me from across the room the other day and when he finished his sentence, he just stared at me like he was seeing something he'd never seen before. I thought he was noticing my wig was a wig and staring at my wig cos I couldn't imagine what else he'd be staring at, and that he was too polite to say anything.
I went to the canteen this week and as I walked up to the salad bar, a cute guy did a double take when he saw me and again I thought it was cos he noticed my wig was a wig and cringed inside and thought geez, did I do something wrong, is something in my wig showing and/or obvious etc? Thou if that was the case, surely everyone in the canteen would look at me funny? I dunno. Cos I feel so insecure inside it's hard to imagine these guys are looking at me cos I look good.
The other day I was walking to the Mall (at work) and when I passed a cute guy who was smoking with another, he too did a double take and I again thought the same thing ie arrgh, my wig is obvious and he's looking at my wig and thinking errgh what a silly girl to wear a wig. The wind was blowing my hair and I thought my fringe area of the wig was showing (as the wig hairline is very obvious to see that it's a wig). I couldn't fathom he was looking at me cos I look good again cos I don't feel it. (sighs).
If I do look good and these guys are doing double takes cos I look good, errr, I'm not sure ... that's hard to sink in right now cos my journey isn't over yet. It's easier for me to think they're looking at my wig and curious as to why someone like me would wear a wig and doing double takes cos of that.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Day 44 post surgery : Weds 18 Jan 2006
I had my 6 week post surgery follow up consult with Jane Olver today http://www.oculoplastics.co.uk.
She had a student doctor I think, who sat in with us, which was fine with me. I was a few mins early and just as I was about to sit down, Jane came out and asked me in. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good. I couldn't wait to tell her that I had a wig on and she said she had no idea! She said it looked great. I told her why I was wearing the wig and that I wasn't comfortable showing my hair in the condition that it currently is in; and until it heals I will continue to wear the wig. She said in about 6 weeks or so my hair should almost be back to normal; and said that she'd had to pull some hair out to make the incisions etc.
Jane and I went through how I was doing and I mentioned that my left upper eyelid didn't seem to be healing as fast as the right eye, that it had a bit of skin folded in half (or something like that - I don't really know how to explain it) in the upper eyelid crease - probably it's referred to as a little excess skin(?) - I'm not sure. I also mentioned that my left upper eyelashes didn't seem to curl still as much as the right upper eyelashes which took seconds and the left upper eyelashes needed lots of attempts and even then the quality isn't great and sometimes by the end of the day the curl is lost and flat. I also mentioned that my left eye just seemed to heal at a slower rate as the, geez, I'm not sure what it's called ... the area between eye and crease was higher in the left than the right upper eyelid.
When Jane examined me, she agreed with me ie re the skin fold in the upper eyelid crease, and the length of eyelid crease not being the same and eyelash etc and if I recall correctly think she said this is something we can address when I have my next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and also the Coleman fat transfer (she's now thinking of doing the Coleman fat transfer instead of fat repositioning).
I asked if July would be a good time to have the lower eyelid reconstruction and Jane agreed (yeah!). She also agreed that we would do the Coleman fat transfer together at the same time as the lower eyelid reconstruction (whew) which is a relief as BUPA will pay for 3/4 of the lower eyelid surgery and about 1/8 of the Coleman fat transfer though all of the hospital costs, which would save me money.
I asked if the fat transfer, like Isolagen, needs a few injections; and Jane replied that she tries to get it right the first time as she has no storage facilities for the fat. I'm not sure if that makes the surgery cheaper than for those who have to return 2-3 times. I'm also not sure how the fat will look all bunched up and how long it'll take to return to normal etc. Guys from MMH, any thoughts on this, from your experience?
Jane was asking about my dry eyes and was asking how they were; and suggested having eye plugs to help with the dry eyes. I said yes as I've suffered from dry eyes for so long - it would certainly help with not having to use artificial tears every 3 hours or so. We agreed on a date of 21st February to have the eye plugs put in at the eye hospital; under local anaesthesia and sedation if needed.
I asked if BUPA would pay for the plugs and Jane said yes and gave me the codes. The procedure will cost about £350.
We also talked about my hair and Jane showed the 'student doctor' my incision marks and for me it was good that she was taking time to explain things to the student doctor as I got to spend more time with her and she answered my questions in more detail than she usually does (or so I felt). Jane said that in 6 weeks or so my hair should grow and I could wear it normally though I wasn't sure. I said I was going to the hairdressers nearby that deals with hair extensions for hair loss etc and would see how it goes. She asked me to try and use my natural hair when I saw her next as I'd be able to wear my hair as normal by then - I said I'll see how it goes :)
Jane mentioned my lower eyelid droop and said she'd need to pull that up during the lower eyelid reconstruction. I asked if we could finally get rid of my lump and she said we'll see and will talk about that at my next consult when I return after she's put in my eye plugs, which would be in March.
I spent some time talking to Jane's assistant after who was interested in seeing some before and after pictures of me and who was also admiring my wig and said it looked great. She saw me walk into her office with the wig off and then saw me put it on and liked it :).
Anyway, trying to keep this short, I then went to Mark Glenn's hairdressing shop in Mayfair and met with Mark himself. The upstairs was a bit noisy and we went downstairs for a chat. I took off my wig and told him about my brow lift and what I wanted ie more volume and to hide the thinning patches. Oh by the way after 3 weeks of wearing my wig and having the assistant return and scrutinise my every move etc, I felt I couldn't wear a wig anymore as everyone knew and thought perhaps having extensions would help, hence why making an appt as I was in the area.
Mark told me straight away that my hair (sniffles) wasn't suitable for his hair loss programme and/or extensions as extensions only suited the back of the head to make hair long and wasn't suitable for the top of the head which is where I needed it to hide the bald patches. He said that his hair loss programme involved use of a mesh and was more suitable for women with large bald patches or no hair and not for someone like me who already had hair as it would work out way too expensive for me and he told me to save my money and stick to what I was already using ie the wig. I was heartbroken (sniffles). I couldn't believe that even if I wanted to add volume to my hair that it wouldn't work as it'd only affect the back and not the top.
He told me to just show my natural hair as it was fine and to use some powder he could provide which would camouflage the bald patches. I looked at the ingredients and wasn't too keen on them and we agreed that I probably would have a skin reaction to the ingredients which he agreed wasn't worth the aggrevation ie using the powder if I was to suffer a skin reaction etc. I'd be better off wearing the wig. He said his ex wife had had 3 or 4 brow lifts and her hairline had increased to a crazy high position which looked silly. He told me to not have any more brow lifts as my hair line had raised fairly high though as it was it was ok right now but not to have anymore.
He did say that if I wanted to lower my hairline he couldn't help and I'd need hair grafts or stuff like that (yikes)!!! That takes like a year to grow ... eek! I've seen it on tv and it's tough going! On the way back home I saw an advert for thinning hair (which Mark Glen also recommended, though said took a few months to take effect) ie Nourkin tablets. http://www.nourkrin.co.uk/nourkrin_hair_loss.asp. Anyone used them? I'll research them a bit more especially the ingredients. I definitely wouldn't use their hair products as they contain parabens which affect a woman's estrogen etc .... (too lengthy to explain in detail about parabens as it's a whole different subject).
I was devasted though I was grateful to Mark Glen for being straight up and saving me lots of money, which I'd need for my lower eyelid reconstruction and my coleman fat transfer. 6 months isn't a long time to save up for another surgery as this one in December alone will take me a few years to pay off (whew).
I thanked Mark Glen for his honesty and walked back to the tube station with much to think about, ie having to save up for the next surgery in 6 months, how much it'll all cost, how I'll manage it, what to do about my hair as cos of L, I'm feeling very self conscious about my hair as she stares at me all the time, trying to suss out what's different about me and she's going to keep asking questions all the time and not let up until she feels she's gotten the secret as to what's different about me. (sighs).
I was doing great until she came back to work ... (sighs). I feel I've been knocked down a few steps and have to brush myself off and figure out how to proceed next as my confidence has taken a tumble.
I'm sure there's more to share though I've run out of time .... it'd be great if I had a selection of a few more wigs ie with wigs almost the same style that had the hair put up etc so I could go into work with different hairstyles etc.
Dry eyes
She had a student doctor I think, who sat in with us, which was fine with me. I was a few mins early and just as I was about to sit down, Jane came out and asked me in. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good. I couldn't wait to tell her that I had a wig on and she said she had no idea! She said it looked great. I told her why I was wearing the wig and that I wasn't comfortable showing my hair in the condition that it currently is in; and until it heals I will continue to wear the wig. She said in about 6 weeks or so my hair should almost be back to normal; and said that she'd had to pull some hair out to make the incisions etc.
Jane and I went through how I was doing and I mentioned that my left upper eyelid didn't seem to be healing as fast as the right eye, that it had a bit of skin folded in half (or something like that - I don't really know how to explain it) in the upper eyelid crease - probably it's referred to as a little excess skin(?) - I'm not sure. I also mentioned that my left upper eyelashes didn't seem to curl still as much as the right upper eyelashes which took seconds and the left upper eyelashes needed lots of attempts and even then the quality isn't great and sometimes by the end of the day the curl is lost and flat. I also mentioned that my left eye just seemed to heal at a slower rate as the, geez, I'm not sure what it's called ... the area between eye and crease was higher in the left than the right upper eyelid.
When Jane examined me, she agreed with me ie re the skin fold in the upper eyelid crease, and the length of eyelid crease not being the same and eyelash etc and if I recall correctly think she said this is something we can address when I have my next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and also the Coleman fat transfer (she's now thinking of doing the Coleman fat transfer instead of fat repositioning).
I asked if July would be a good time to have the lower eyelid reconstruction and Jane agreed (yeah!). She also agreed that we would do the Coleman fat transfer together at the same time as the lower eyelid reconstruction (whew) which is a relief as BUPA will pay for 3/4 of the lower eyelid surgery and about 1/8 of the Coleman fat transfer though all of the hospital costs, which would save me money.
I asked if the fat transfer, like Isolagen, needs a few injections; and Jane replied that she tries to get it right the first time as she has no storage facilities for the fat. I'm not sure if that makes the surgery cheaper than for those who have to return 2-3 times. I'm also not sure how the fat will look all bunched up and how long it'll take to return to normal etc. Guys from MMH, any thoughts on this, from your experience?
Jane was asking about my dry eyes and was asking how they were; and suggested having eye plugs to help with the dry eyes. I said yes as I've suffered from dry eyes for so long - it would certainly help with not having to use artificial tears every 3 hours or so. We agreed on a date of 21st February to have the eye plugs put in at the eye hospital; under local anaesthesia and sedation if needed.
I asked if BUPA would pay for the plugs and Jane said yes and gave me the codes. The procedure will cost about £350.
We also talked about my hair and Jane showed the 'student doctor' my incision marks and for me it was good that she was taking time to explain things to the student doctor as I got to spend more time with her and she answered my questions in more detail than she usually does (or so I felt). Jane said that in 6 weeks or so my hair should grow and I could wear it normally though I wasn't sure. I said I was going to the hairdressers nearby that deals with hair extensions for hair loss etc and would see how it goes. She asked me to try and use my natural hair when I saw her next as I'd be able to wear my hair as normal by then - I said I'll see how it goes :)
Jane mentioned my lower eyelid droop and said she'd need to pull that up during the lower eyelid reconstruction. I asked if we could finally get rid of my lump and she said we'll see and will talk about that at my next consult when I return after she's put in my eye plugs, which would be in March.
I spent some time talking to Jane's assistant after who was interested in seeing some before and after pictures of me and who was also admiring my wig and said it looked great. She saw me walk into her office with the wig off and then saw me put it on and liked it :).
Anyway, trying to keep this short, I then went to Mark Glenn's hairdressing shop in Mayfair and met with Mark himself. The upstairs was a bit noisy and we went downstairs for a chat. I took off my wig and told him about my brow lift and what I wanted ie more volume and to hide the thinning patches. Oh by the way after 3 weeks of wearing my wig and having the assistant return and scrutinise my every move etc, I felt I couldn't wear a wig anymore as everyone knew and thought perhaps having extensions would help, hence why making an appt as I was in the area.
Mark told me straight away that my hair (sniffles) wasn't suitable for his hair loss programme and/or extensions as extensions only suited the back of the head to make hair long and wasn't suitable for the top of the head which is where I needed it to hide the bald patches. He said that his hair loss programme involved use of a mesh and was more suitable for women with large bald patches or no hair and not for someone like me who already had hair as it would work out way too expensive for me and he told me to save my money and stick to what I was already using ie the wig. I was heartbroken (sniffles). I couldn't believe that even if I wanted to add volume to my hair that it wouldn't work as it'd only affect the back and not the top.
He told me to just show my natural hair as it was fine and to use some powder he could provide which would camouflage the bald patches. I looked at the ingredients and wasn't too keen on them and we agreed that I probably would have a skin reaction to the ingredients which he agreed wasn't worth the aggrevation ie using the powder if I was to suffer a skin reaction etc. I'd be better off wearing the wig. He said his ex wife had had 3 or 4 brow lifts and her hairline had increased to a crazy high position which looked silly. He told me to not have any more brow lifts as my hair line had raised fairly high though as it was it was ok right now but not to have anymore.
He did say that if I wanted to lower my hairline he couldn't help and I'd need hair grafts or stuff like that (yikes)!!! That takes like a year to grow ... eek! I've seen it on tv and it's tough going! On the way back home I saw an advert for thinning hair (which Mark Glen also recommended, though said took a few months to take effect) ie Nourkin tablets. http://www.nourkrin.co.uk/nourkrin_hair_loss.asp. Anyone used them? I'll research them a bit more especially the ingredients. I definitely wouldn't use their hair products as they contain parabens which affect a woman's estrogen etc .... (too lengthy to explain in detail about parabens as it's a whole different subject).
I was devasted though I was grateful to Mark Glen for being straight up and saving me lots of money, which I'd need for my lower eyelid reconstruction and my coleman fat transfer. 6 months isn't a long time to save up for another surgery as this one in December alone will take me a few years to pay off (whew).
I thanked Mark Glen for his honesty and walked back to the tube station with much to think about, ie having to save up for the next surgery in 6 months, how much it'll all cost, how I'll manage it, what to do about my hair as cos of L, I'm feeling very self conscious about my hair as she stares at me all the time, trying to suss out what's different about me and she's going to keep asking questions all the time and not let up until she feels she's gotten the secret as to what's different about me. (sighs).
I was doing great until she came back to work ... (sighs). I feel I've been knocked down a few steps and have to brush myself off and figure out how to proceed next as my confidence has taken a tumble.
I'm sure there's more to share though I've run out of time .... it'd be great if I had a selection of a few more wigs ie with wigs almost the same style that had the hair put up etc so I could go into work with different hairstyles etc.
Dry eyes
Monday, January 16, 2006
Day 42 post surgery : Mon 16 Jan 2006
What a day today. L was back from her 3 week hol in India and I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks, since my surgery on 5th Dec 05.
She noticed my hair first off and started to ask how my surgery went ~~ everyone else starts to talk about my hair first and while she did, she only lingered on my hair for a second and started to ask questions about surgery which I tried to avoid by just saying fine and asked how her hols went. She sure is inquisitive.
Throughout the day she kept asking questions every now and then while she looked at me (she sits opposite me) and asked at one point if my hair had grown ~~ and there's me thinking geez, my wig hair is a little longer than my own hair and darn, she must still be staring at me and wondering or trying to put her finger on what is different. I just replied, with a straight face and not flinching (which I normally would do) and said my hair was the same and that it just looked different cos of the steroids I was on. She accepted that.
Then later in the day she commented on how good I looked, when we were talking about my nausea and how I was feeling as I said while I may look normal on the outside, I felt ikky on the inside. She said I looked good and that it must be the hair as there was something different. She didn't mention my eyes were different (smiles) which tickled me cos it is great if she thinks my eyes are normal!!
It basically felt like a whole day being under her scrutiny which was very draining especially as there's tension between me and the other assistant in the team, who I feel very frustrated at for many reasons, and since Friday. I feel she's like the Geisha in Memoirs of a Geisha who follows Sayuta everywhere causing chaos and trying to ruin her reputation ~~ this is how I feel R is with me as whatever I say or do, she has an answer for or tries to overturn what I say or put it down ~~ so much so I just try to drown her out of me every day by plugging into my Ipod at work, which my boss doesn't like so much cos I'm distracted by that and got caught out by it today when I answered the phone with a wrong boss's name (woops). Empty vessels make the most noise as R is extremely loud and attention seeking and yet deep down I sense she's a lonely girl who is seeking someone's approval (based from childhood) and being loud and noisy is the only way she knows how to get attention and she's in pattern mode when she tries to outweigh all that I say ~~ she does this to others so I know it's not personal though I do sense she feels threatened by me as her tone of voice changes when she talks to L as when she talks to me. I should feel sorry for her instead of feeling bullied (of sorts). After all I am the one with many "tools" to use.
Back to my hair and eyes, another banker in the team returned whom I hadn't seen for 6 weeks and he stared at me for the longest time and commented on my hair and asked about my eyes and I managed again to keep a straight face and answer his questions. He didn't stare at my eyes - just asked if this was the last operation - I said I didn't know - though realistically I cannot take any more time off on medical leave for any more operations as everyone is going to get suspicious so I'll have to take my lower eyelid surgery as personal holiday. As it was last year I had some 7-8 weeks off as medical leave which is a lot. I wouldn't want to jeopardise any bonus this year (2006).
I felt very self conscious about my wig today thinking everyone could tell it was a wig. L said that my hair looked great which is probably why I looked good as the colour was great etc. What? I felt my wig looked terrible today and it was like I hadn't washed my hair for ages as it felt all greasy and out of shape and like it had seen it's last days and that got me worried that my wig was already on its last legs and needed replacing and I thought noooooooo!!!
I would so love to be able to have hair extensions right now so I no longer have to wear a wig though I really can't afford £500-£1000 and besides it'd be way too obvious if I went back to work with a different hair colour and no bangs/fringe and shorter hair! Only by an inch or so. I'm in a dilemna though I'm sure it'll all get sorted out soon and/or settle down at work. That's it now, no more people returning from x'mas hols though there are still the odd one or two that I will bump into at work, one in particular though as they don't see me everyday it shouldn't make a difference and they probably won't be able to tell.
L was one of the hardest, which I knew she'd be, as she's very inquisitive for a 26 year old and also very observant. She'll be scrutinising me and every move I make and watching my hair and eyes over the next few days/weeks and won't let up. While that would be mighty uncomfortable, I think she'll be no longer working for us in about 4 weeks or so as she's only a temp who's covering for someone's maternity leave, and if they do let her go, that'll be a relief for me in many ways to no longer have anyone watching my every move and look.
She noticed my hair first off and started to ask how my surgery went ~~ everyone else starts to talk about my hair first and while she did, she only lingered on my hair for a second and started to ask questions about surgery which I tried to avoid by just saying fine and asked how her hols went. She sure is inquisitive.
Throughout the day she kept asking questions every now and then while she looked at me (she sits opposite me) and asked at one point if my hair had grown ~~ and there's me thinking geez, my wig hair is a little longer than my own hair and darn, she must still be staring at me and wondering or trying to put her finger on what is different. I just replied, with a straight face and not flinching (which I normally would do) and said my hair was the same and that it just looked different cos of the steroids I was on. She accepted that.
Then later in the day she commented on how good I looked, when we were talking about my nausea and how I was feeling as I said while I may look normal on the outside, I felt ikky on the inside. She said I looked good and that it must be the hair as there was something different. She didn't mention my eyes were different (smiles) which tickled me cos it is great if she thinks my eyes are normal!!
It basically felt like a whole day being under her scrutiny which was very draining especially as there's tension between me and the other assistant in the team, who I feel very frustrated at for many reasons, and since Friday. I feel she's like the Geisha in Memoirs of a Geisha who follows Sayuta everywhere causing chaos and trying to ruin her reputation ~~ this is how I feel R is with me as whatever I say or do, she has an answer for or tries to overturn what I say or put it down ~~ so much so I just try to drown her out of me every day by plugging into my Ipod at work, which my boss doesn't like so much cos I'm distracted by that and got caught out by it today when I answered the phone with a wrong boss's name (woops). Empty vessels make the most noise as R is extremely loud and attention seeking and yet deep down I sense she's a lonely girl who is seeking someone's approval (based from childhood) and being loud and noisy is the only way she knows how to get attention and she's in pattern mode when she tries to outweigh all that I say ~~ she does this to others so I know it's not personal though I do sense she feels threatened by me as her tone of voice changes when she talks to L as when she talks to me. I should feel sorry for her instead of feeling bullied (of sorts). After all I am the one with many "tools" to use.
Back to my hair and eyes, another banker in the team returned whom I hadn't seen for 6 weeks and he stared at me for the longest time and commented on my hair and asked about my eyes and I managed again to keep a straight face and answer his questions. He didn't stare at my eyes - just asked if this was the last operation - I said I didn't know - though realistically I cannot take any more time off on medical leave for any more operations as everyone is going to get suspicious so I'll have to take my lower eyelid surgery as personal holiday. As it was last year I had some 7-8 weeks off as medical leave which is a lot. I wouldn't want to jeopardise any bonus this year (2006).
I felt very self conscious about my wig today thinking everyone could tell it was a wig. L said that my hair looked great which is probably why I looked good as the colour was great etc. What? I felt my wig looked terrible today and it was like I hadn't washed my hair for ages as it felt all greasy and out of shape and like it had seen it's last days and that got me worried that my wig was already on its last legs and needed replacing and I thought noooooooo!!!
I would so love to be able to have hair extensions right now so I no longer have to wear a wig though I really can't afford £500-£1000 and besides it'd be way too obvious if I went back to work with a different hair colour and no bangs/fringe and shorter hair! Only by an inch or so. I'm in a dilemna though I'm sure it'll all get sorted out soon and/or settle down at work. That's it now, no more people returning from x'mas hols though there are still the odd one or two that I will bump into at work, one in particular though as they don't see me everyday it shouldn't make a difference and they probably won't be able to tell.
L was one of the hardest, which I knew she'd be, as she's very inquisitive for a 26 year old and also very observant. She'll be scrutinising me and every move I make and watching my hair and eyes over the next few days/weeks and won't let up. While that would be mighty uncomfortable, I think she'll be no longer working for us in about 4 weeks or so as she's only a temp who's covering for someone's maternity leave, and if they do let her go, that'll be a relief for me in many ways to no longer have anyone watching my every move and look.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Day 41 post surgery : Sun 18 Jan 2006
Noticeable changes are now slowing down, which is the norm, in my eyes and brow.
At work, more people are bumping into me and looking straight at the hair which everyone seems to like, and it looks like mine, and I'm getting only positive comments about how it's wonderful to see my hair down instead of up (it used to be up cos I hadn't the time to wash it everyday and would only wear it down once a week approx). It was time consuming to wash and straighten my hair in the mornings which would take 20 mins or so of my time.
The wig is a safety net as I feel I can hide behind it safely while my head and eyes heal. My incision scars are still very noticeable and my hair is still thinned in the incision areas (sighs). I'm hoping in another 6 weeks' time, there's be some hair growth and some form of returning to normality as it'd then be 3 months post surgery. That'd be around the beginning of March 2006. I feel I have more confidence and can smile and look people straight in the eyes when they talk to me, whereas before after a few secs, I'd look away as I'd feel self conscious and/or cos they'd feel self conscious as they'd be looking at my left eye bump and lower eyelid retraction and rubbing/flicking away at their own eye. That hasn't happened at all thankfully and no one seemingly has looked into my eyes, none that I can tell, as I look natural (within reason).
Maybe the odd one or two suspect plastic surgery and/or a wig, like I do with one of the girls in the office, but I personally let it go and think if she has had chemo etc, I hope she heals soon and well.
Two more are back in the office tomorrow, one of the other secs and one banker who sits behind me. He just had a baby girl and hopefully his attention will be elsewhere rather than me. Now that Celebrity Big Brother is on, the girls' attention seems to be on gossiping about the celebrities which is great as it takes away the focus thankfully from me. I do feel frustrated by their constant chatter ... though that's part and parcel of working in an open plan.
I watched Memoirs of a Geisha on Friday and that movie certainly left me feel inspired afterwards :). It's a movie which gives hope amidst the struggles of life.
I do wish at times I could have the extensions already so that I don't have to wear the wig; though I can't afford it right now and it'd be too drastic a change to have others see me wearing a wig which is burgundy in colour with highlights and a fringe and then all of a sudden seeing me with extensions ... though I may try to imitate the wig as much as I can including having a fringe as I understand that a fringe is possible using that hair saloon which specialises in hair extensions and hair loss.
Have taken pictures and will post them shortly. It'll be my 6 week mark tomorrow 19th Jan 06.
At work, more people are bumping into me and looking straight at the hair which everyone seems to like, and it looks like mine, and I'm getting only positive comments about how it's wonderful to see my hair down instead of up (it used to be up cos I hadn't the time to wash it everyday and would only wear it down once a week approx). It was time consuming to wash and straighten my hair in the mornings which would take 20 mins or so of my time.
The wig is a safety net as I feel I can hide behind it safely while my head and eyes heal. My incision scars are still very noticeable and my hair is still thinned in the incision areas (sighs). I'm hoping in another 6 weeks' time, there's be some hair growth and some form of returning to normality as it'd then be 3 months post surgery. That'd be around the beginning of March 2006. I feel I have more confidence and can smile and look people straight in the eyes when they talk to me, whereas before after a few secs, I'd look away as I'd feel self conscious and/or cos they'd feel self conscious as they'd be looking at my left eye bump and lower eyelid retraction and rubbing/flicking away at their own eye. That hasn't happened at all thankfully and no one seemingly has looked into my eyes, none that I can tell, as I look natural (within reason).
Maybe the odd one or two suspect plastic surgery and/or a wig, like I do with one of the girls in the office, but I personally let it go and think if she has had chemo etc, I hope she heals soon and well.
Two more are back in the office tomorrow, one of the other secs and one banker who sits behind me. He just had a baby girl and hopefully his attention will be elsewhere rather than me. Now that Celebrity Big Brother is on, the girls' attention seems to be on gossiping about the celebrities which is great as it takes away the focus thankfully from me. I do feel frustrated by their constant chatter ... though that's part and parcel of working in an open plan.
I watched Memoirs of a Geisha on Friday and that movie certainly left me feel inspired afterwards :). It's a movie which gives hope amidst the struggles of life.
I do wish at times I could have the extensions already so that I don't have to wear the wig; though I can't afford it right now and it'd be too drastic a change to have others see me wearing a wig which is burgundy in colour with highlights and a fringe and then all of a sudden seeing me with extensions ... though I may try to imitate the wig as much as I can including having a fringe as I understand that a fringe is possible using that hair saloon which specialises in hair extensions and hair loss.
Have taken pictures and will post them shortly. It'll be my 6 week mark tomorrow 19th Jan 06.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Day 37 post surgery : Weds 11th Jan 2006
I'm still getting double looks on my hair (thankfully none on my eyes) and some comments that I look like a completely different person (then again I saw one guy today who'd cut his hair really short and he looked completely different) so it's fairly norm I guess. I'm very thankful for my wig and that it looks very much like my own hair; though I'm wishing my own hair would hurry up and heal itself and grow back properly. I can't wait to get my hair extensions in nearer June/July and to have my lowers done.
I'm still worried about my left upper eyelid in that now I'm finding the left upper eyelashes don't stay up as long as the right upper eyelashes - at the end of the day the left upper eyelashes flop whereas the right upper eyelashes are as bright as ever. There's also a little bit of excess skin on the left upper eyelid and the crease isn't the same as the right upper eyelid though it really is early days yet and it's too early to worry -- though I am only cos this just reminds me of what happened with the butcher surgeon last year and it's bringing back bad memories of an eye that looks half asleep. I look at myself in the mirror when I'm putting on my make up and my left eye now is beginning to look like it did before, ie droopy and sleepy and I'm having to make an effort to raise it, like before when it drooped. I'm just wondering whether I'm just noticing different things .... it's hard to tell. I'll need to look back at the video footage I've taken. I really do hope it's nothing as otherwise Jane will have to fix it -- hopefully during the lowers if it's a minor fix.
Head hurt today wearing the wig .... in some of the incision areas - or rather it was sore. Can't wait for my hair to grow back per normal and for me to be able to afford to have extensions put in to thicken my hair and perhaps have a fringe.
I didn't feel so well at work today. Just when I think I'd like to start working out again, whoosh, a wave of ikky feeling comes over me and I feel nauseaus. As I have low blood pressure, I need to take it easy and not overdo things. Bah, frustrating. Perhaps I'll start over the weekend.
I'm still worried about my left upper eyelid in that now I'm finding the left upper eyelashes don't stay up as long as the right upper eyelashes - at the end of the day the left upper eyelashes flop whereas the right upper eyelashes are as bright as ever. There's also a little bit of excess skin on the left upper eyelid and the crease isn't the same as the right upper eyelid though it really is early days yet and it's too early to worry -- though I am only cos this just reminds me of what happened with the butcher surgeon last year and it's bringing back bad memories of an eye that looks half asleep. I look at myself in the mirror when I'm putting on my make up and my left eye now is beginning to look like it did before, ie droopy and sleepy and I'm having to make an effort to raise it, like before when it drooped. I'm just wondering whether I'm just noticing different things .... it's hard to tell. I'll need to look back at the video footage I've taken. I really do hope it's nothing as otherwise Jane will have to fix it -- hopefully during the lowers if it's a minor fix.
Head hurt today wearing the wig .... in some of the incision areas - or rather it was sore. Can't wait for my hair to grow back per normal and for me to be able to afford to have extensions put in to thicken my hair and perhaps have a fringe.
I didn't feel so well at work today. Just when I think I'd like to start working out again, whoosh, a wave of ikky feeling comes over me and I feel nauseaus. As I have low blood pressure, I need to take it easy and not overdo things. Bah, frustrating. Perhaps I'll start over the weekend.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Day 36 post surgery : Tue 10th Jan 2006
Samo samo the past couple of days. A number of people who haven't seen me at work for a while bumped into me in the corridor or by the entrance to the building and comment on how my hair has grown and they like the style/colour etc and that's that. No comments about my eyes - yeah!!!!! They're all focused on my hair (smiles).
This is the second week back at work and one of my male bosses looks at me this afternoon when I'm in his office and said "Have you coloured your hair?". I'm one of those that find it difficult to lie though these past couple of weeks it's been fairly easy to say that my best friend's daughter is a hairdresser and gave me a new hairdo and colour as a Christmas present and smile and say I'm still getting used to the new hairstyle myself :). T liked it and was focusing on my hair and didn't even ask how my eyes went - though on his first day back last week he asked how my eyes were though hasn't looked at them since ie like before, I'd feel everyone was looking at my eyes and flicking at their own eyes in sympathy for my lump; though now, nothing .... this is such a relief and it allows me the time and space to heal from all the traumas of the past year. I'm so grateful for the space to be able to do this and I pray that my wig holds out for the next 6 months or so; and that I can have my lower eyelid reconstruction beginning of July, that's long enough I think, though I'm happy to have it sooner.
Left upper eyelid
The past couple of days or so I've been noticing my left upper eyelid isn't healing as fast as my right upper eyelid and isn't as open. I'm hoping this is just cos it's slow in healing and will catch up in due course as I'm only 5 weeks post surgery. I'm just nervous cos of all that happened with my first two surgeries with the butcher surgeon. It's nothing too serious to concern myself about - it's just a minor concern at the moment and I'm sure it'll catch up with the right eye in due course. I'll mention this to Jane when I see her next week, when it'll be my 6 week check up :) - yup that time already.
My brows feel tender still as does my forehead and my incisions are healing slowly but surely. My head is getting used to the wig though after 12 hours a day of wearing it, my head loves a nice massage afterwards :) My long hair is still suffering from chemical damage from the brow lift and that will probably take a few more weeks to heal from, like a bad perm. I'm due to have my hair coloured as my white roots are showing but I'm going to leave it for a while as no one will look at my roots for a while.
I'm still sleeping upright though towards the end of the night and closing on to the morning I start to get tired and slip down to a straight position. My eyesight is usually blurry when I wake and it takes me a few minutes to get myself together; though as mentioned the other day, the secondary tearing has thankfully stopped.
I did buy some TheraTears Gel to use at work though I don't think they're strong enough for my eyes, certainly not strong enough to use overnight as a lubricant.
I asked my sis in Singapore to seach for some Similisan homeopathic eye drops though don't think she can find them. I can't seem to find anywhere online that ships to the UK so far.
I'm still feeling run down and don't understand how those on the Makeover shows can have one surgery after the other with multiple procedures. Maybe it's my low blood pressure which makes me feel this way .. I wonder.
This is the second week back at work and one of my male bosses looks at me this afternoon when I'm in his office and said "Have you coloured your hair?". I'm one of those that find it difficult to lie though these past couple of weeks it's been fairly easy to say that my best friend's daughter is a hairdresser and gave me a new hairdo and colour as a Christmas present and smile and say I'm still getting used to the new hairstyle myself :). T liked it and was focusing on my hair and didn't even ask how my eyes went - though on his first day back last week he asked how my eyes were though hasn't looked at them since ie like before, I'd feel everyone was looking at my eyes and flicking at their own eyes in sympathy for my lump; though now, nothing .... this is such a relief and it allows me the time and space to heal from all the traumas of the past year. I'm so grateful for the space to be able to do this and I pray that my wig holds out for the next 6 months or so; and that I can have my lower eyelid reconstruction beginning of July, that's long enough I think, though I'm happy to have it sooner.
Left upper eyelid
The past couple of days or so I've been noticing my left upper eyelid isn't healing as fast as my right upper eyelid and isn't as open. I'm hoping this is just cos it's slow in healing and will catch up in due course as I'm only 5 weeks post surgery. I'm just nervous cos of all that happened with my first two surgeries with the butcher surgeon. It's nothing too serious to concern myself about - it's just a minor concern at the moment and I'm sure it'll catch up with the right eye in due course. I'll mention this to Jane when I see her next week, when it'll be my 6 week check up :) - yup that time already.
My brows feel tender still as does my forehead and my incisions are healing slowly but surely. My head is getting used to the wig though after 12 hours a day of wearing it, my head loves a nice massage afterwards :) My long hair is still suffering from chemical damage from the brow lift and that will probably take a few more weeks to heal from, like a bad perm. I'm due to have my hair coloured as my white roots are showing but I'm going to leave it for a while as no one will look at my roots for a while.
I'm still sleeping upright though towards the end of the night and closing on to the morning I start to get tired and slip down to a straight position. My eyesight is usually blurry when I wake and it takes me a few minutes to get myself together; though as mentioned the other day, the secondary tearing has thankfully stopped.
I did buy some TheraTears Gel to use at work though I don't think they're strong enough for my eyes, certainly not strong enough to use overnight as a lubricant.
I asked my sis in Singapore to seach for some Similisan homeopathic eye drops though don't think she can find them. I can't seem to find anywhere online that ships to the UK so far.
I'm still feeling run down and don't understand how those on the Makeover shows can have one surgery after the other with multiple procedures. Maybe it's my low blood pressure which makes me feel this way .. I wonder.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Hollows / lump : Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8 Jan 2006
Pix taken Day 34 post surgery (3rd surgery which is reconstructive surgery by an opthamalogist to correct 1st and 2nd surgery by a different plastic surgeon). Y-V endo brow lift with bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction, left upper eyelash ptosis repair and right upper eyelid ptosis repair. Original bleph journey can be read at http://indianaeyesheal.blogspot.com.
At times when I look at my lower eyelids, I want to scream at the lump that is still there as there are still loads of red incision lines even though he did the canthopexy on 7 July 2005, some 7 months ago. Butcher surgeon! My right left eyelid has hollows and is very obvious now that I've had this reconstructive surgery especially when I look sideways at myself adn look down.
The lump on the left lower eyelid is so very obvious though less obvious now that I've had the brow lift and upper eyelid surgery. I'm too angry to comment any further at this stage. I just wanted to journal this. (arrrgh).
Y-V incisions lines Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8 Jan 2006
This is the top of my head looking down with the Y-V incision lines re the Y-V endo brow lift I had 34 days ago on 5th Dec 2005. It's not a clear picture as it was tough for me to aim and shoot though the gist of it can be seen even if not totally clear. Taken without a flash as with flash all you can see is the flash light.
Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8th Jan 2006
I must make more of an effort to get 8-9 hours sleep a day during the working week to heal as currently I'm getting 6-7 in spite of trying (there's always something that needs taking care of) and on the weekends my body begs to catch up on the healing sleep needed.
Not too many changes happening of late and healing is now at a steady pace. My dry eyes are not as dry as they were in that I am no longer (touch wood) suffering from secondary tearing; though I do wake with blurry eyesight and eyes that feel dry; though they do not automatically tear while I sleep - that is when it gets really painful and uncomfortable. I think by about the fourth and a half week mark it started to get better and I can now tolerate more warmth in the house and can turn the central heating up at home.
At work, they gave me a convector heater which I use either under my desk or by the side of me and hot air rises up and this causes my eyes to dry out incredibly. I'm resorting to putting some water on the floor by the heater hoping this will help. I put a carrot out on my desk the other day and by the end of the day it has shrivelled up! I should try to invent something that I can hook directly to the heater and add water to it constantly so that the atmosphere is more moist and will help with my eyes. They do sell them though I'd rather invent something that won't get damaged by the heat.
My head feels fine, apart from feeling wooden, Y-V scars are still there. I was parting my hair the other day and could see the continuation of the Y-V incisions and will try to take a picture at some point and share here for the records. Thankfully no itchiness or energy bolts shooting across my head :)
It only takes one to throw a pebble into the water to cause a ripple and I feel the tension in MMH by the odd few who are inexperienced in life and know nothing else than to judge others; reactions of which are based on their own life experiences and how they've been treated and is learned behaviour from their parents. I'm not a practicising Christian though one verse that popped out at me was "Forgive them father, as they know not what they are doing or saying". Some mean well with the advice that they give, unsolicited as it is. Meditate, breathe and let it go.
My blog is for me to record my personal experience of my healing journey for me to reflect back on in times ahead of how far I've come; and hopefully it'll help some others out there, and it's also for me to catharthise as journalling is healing. Some from MMH seem to have browsed my blog, made hasty judgements or taken some personal insights from my sharings and decided to make their own judgements and criticisms. Forgive them father, for they know nought what they are doing/saying.
Not too many changes happening of late and healing is now at a steady pace. My dry eyes are not as dry as they were in that I am no longer (touch wood) suffering from secondary tearing; though I do wake with blurry eyesight and eyes that feel dry; though they do not automatically tear while I sleep - that is when it gets really painful and uncomfortable. I think by about the fourth and a half week mark it started to get better and I can now tolerate more warmth in the house and can turn the central heating up at home.
At work, they gave me a convector heater which I use either under my desk or by the side of me and hot air rises up and this causes my eyes to dry out incredibly. I'm resorting to putting some water on the floor by the heater hoping this will help. I put a carrot out on my desk the other day and by the end of the day it has shrivelled up! I should try to invent something that I can hook directly to the heater and add water to it constantly so that the atmosphere is more moist and will help with my eyes. They do sell them though I'd rather invent something that won't get damaged by the heat.
My head feels fine, apart from feeling wooden, Y-V scars are still there. I was parting my hair the other day and could see the continuation of the Y-V incisions and will try to take a picture at some point and share here for the records. Thankfully no itchiness or energy bolts shooting across my head :)
It only takes one to throw a pebble into the water to cause a ripple and I feel the tension in MMH by the odd few who are inexperienced in life and know nothing else than to judge others; reactions of which are based on their own life experiences and how they've been treated and is learned behaviour from their parents. I'm not a practicising Christian though one verse that popped out at me was "Forgive them father, as they know not what they are doing or saying". Some mean well with the advice that they give, unsolicited as it is. Meditate, breathe and let it go.
My blog is for me to record my personal experience of my healing journey for me to reflect back on in times ahead of how far I've come; and hopefully it'll help some others out there, and it's also for me to catharthise as journalling is healing. Some from MMH seem to have browsed my blog, made hasty judgements or taken some personal insights from my sharings and decided to make their own judgements and criticisms. Forgive them father, for they know nought what they are doing/saying.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Day 32 post surgery : Fri 6th Jan 06
A few more people returned to work yesterday and today and I had a few double takes ie to take in that I had a new hairstyle though no comments and just work per normal, which for me was great, as there was no unwanted attention on my eyes or my new look ie forehead and eyes (whew).
Big boss came back yesterday as well and he didn't even flinch or comment on my hair. That was great. About 3 more people haven't come back to work yet - one is due next week and the other two the week after; and I've yet to meet more people in the corridor though those that I am meeting seem to notice I have a new hairstyle and comment they like it and leave it at that and yeahhhhhhh, the focus is off my eyes and no more comments about "how are your eyes" etc from those that have been commenting on it for the past year - one girl in particular who's 50 and looks like she's 20 - she must have had a face lift (smiles) - and I'm sure she knows though she didn't say anything about my eyes today as she usually does and just said she loved the hairstyle! Worth every penny of the £250 it cost me! And it's only been 2 weeks of wearing it!
Sometimes in the ladies and I'm touching up my wig, even I am fooled that it's my own hair. It is beginning to feel very comfortable and is also like a security blanket I can hide behind - especially the fringe. Perhaps that is what is giving me my confidence. I'm not sure. I just feel safe. If I had to wear my own hair, I'm not sure I'd be as as confident with all the bald patches etc and knowing my forehead was naked. I feel safe with my forehead covered with a fringe.
My forehead seems frozen still in that I don't tend to move my eyebrows much. I mean I can but I don't have to as there's no excess skin on upper eyelids to warrant moving my eyebrows to see.
Oh yeah yesterday I felt like I had this eyelash under my upper eyelid and for the life of me I couldn't pull my upper eyelid up to get to it as the darn thing felt like it was swollen and/or I didn't have enough skin to pull up - it was the weirdest thing to happen! Whereas before there was lots of excess upper eyelid skin to pull my upper eyelid up and lift it up, now I can't, cos there's no skin. Eeek! I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing and/or if it's cos I'm swollen still. It's scary in the sense that it's a new sensation. Where did my skin go? Gone? For good? Eeek!! I have taken pics and will post when I've time.
I still can't look down properly (again taken pics though haven't cropped them yet to post) as my upper eyelids are still swollen.
I'm getting more used to my forehead and like that I have no wrinkles and it just looks young again :) I also don't frown and generally my forehead feels like it's had botox as it doesn't move much. Actually I just tried to frown and there doesn't seem to be too much muscle there to frown with; whereas before the frown muscles were huge!! Especially after my first eye surgery. I don't want to frown too much cos I never liked those frown lines/muscles which stood out a mile! I'm glad they are gone!
Big boss came back yesterday as well and he didn't even flinch or comment on my hair. That was great. About 3 more people haven't come back to work yet - one is due next week and the other two the week after; and I've yet to meet more people in the corridor though those that I am meeting seem to notice I have a new hairstyle and comment they like it and leave it at that and yeahhhhhhh, the focus is off my eyes and no more comments about "how are your eyes" etc from those that have been commenting on it for the past year - one girl in particular who's 50 and looks like she's 20 - she must have had a face lift (smiles) - and I'm sure she knows though she didn't say anything about my eyes today as she usually does and just said she loved the hairstyle! Worth every penny of the £250 it cost me! And it's only been 2 weeks of wearing it!
Sometimes in the ladies and I'm touching up my wig, even I am fooled that it's my own hair. It is beginning to feel very comfortable and is also like a security blanket I can hide behind - especially the fringe. Perhaps that is what is giving me my confidence. I'm not sure. I just feel safe. If I had to wear my own hair, I'm not sure I'd be as as confident with all the bald patches etc and knowing my forehead was naked. I feel safe with my forehead covered with a fringe.
My forehead seems frozen still in that I don't tend to move my eyebrows much. I mean I can but I don't have to as there's no excess skin on upper eyelids to warrant moving my eyebrows to see.
Oh yeah yesterday I felt like I had this eyelash under my upper eyelid and for the life of me I couldn't pull my upper eyelid up to get to it as the darn thing felt like it was swollen and/or I didn't have enough skin to pull up - it was the weirdest thing to happen! Whereas before there was lots of excess upper eyelid skin to pull my upper eyelid up and lift it up, now I can't, cos there's no skin. Eeek! I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing and/or if it's cos I'm swollen still. It's scary in the sense that it's a new sensation. Where did my skin go? Gone? For good? Eeek!! I have taken pics and will post when I've time.
I still can't look down properly (again taken pics though haven't cropped them yet to post) as my upper eyelids are still swollen.
I'm getting more used to my forehead and like that I have no wrinkles and it just looks young again :) I also don't frown and generally my forehead feels like it's had botox as it doesn't move much. Actually I just tried to frown and there doesn't seem to be too much muscle there to frown with; whereas before the frown muscles were huge!! Especially after my first eye surgery. I don't want to frown too much cos I never liked those frown lines/muscles which stood out a mile! I'm glad they are gone!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Day 30 post surgery : Weds 4th Jan 06
Thread at Make Me Heal Forum http://www.makemeheal.com/messageboards/viewtopic.php?t=122&sid=e20754a4f87eadcbcb027d7861f4cf9f
More people returned to work today and the reactions were similar to that of yesterday, though with some saying I looked completely different with the hairstyle, like I was another person. Hmmm. I wasn't too sure what to make of that. I just said that my best friend's daughter was a hairdresser and had done my hair as a x'mas pressie. I wonder whether some think it's a wig(?) but aren't too sure as it does look different as my hair is normally thin and the wig is thick.
One of the female directors came up to me in the ladies and said she liked my new hair and touched the ends - I wonder if she was touching it to see if it was real or false. I guess I'll never know.
I do feel more confident as I can hide my eyes behind my fringe and even when not wearing glasses I feel I can look people in the eye without looking away like I used to. I'm not sure where this confidence is coming from - though it's there, inbuilt all of a sudden.
At times when I'm adjusting my wig in the ladies, I'll part my fringe a little to the side and instantly I look different and my eyes are very obvious where the eyelid creases are and eeek, I go and cover them up as even I am not used to that look yet. It doesn't quite feel finished meaning I feel the eyelids can still come down a bit to look a bit more natural crease wise. It still overwhelms me at times in different lights and different conditions.
I did mention to a couple of the guys that I was wearing my ReliefBand to help relieve the nausea and oh, they immediately felt guilty and I wonder whether this particular guy thought I was having chemo hence feeling sick; and hence why perhaps I was wearing a wig (if he thought it was a wig?). I guess I'll never know as I can't ask. (sighs).
I still have to bump into more people as not everyone is back at work yet and there's more I haven't bumped into in the corridor.
Waking up in the mornings still feels weird as my head feels wooden and my eyes feel like they don't belong to me either. I wake sometimes thinking if I could, would I do this again and I'm not sure. I don't like having thinning patches and not being able to be mysel and having a wooden head. When this browlift drops completely in 8 years or so, I'll be 49 .... never say never is my motto though how many brow lifts can my head take? I dunno .... maybe this is enough ... it's a lot of money.
My upper eyelid incisions itched today at work .... arrrrgh. They still look crusty to me.
More people returned to work today and the reactions were similar to that of yesterday, though with some saying I looked completely different with the hairstyle, like I was another person. Hmmm. I wasn't too sure what to make of that. I just said that my best friend's daughter was a hairdresser and had done my hair as a x'mas pressie. I wonder whether some think it's a wig(?) but aren't too sure as it does look different as my hair is normally thin and the wig is thick.
One of the female directors came up to me in the ladies and said she liked my new hair and touched the ends - I wonder if she was touching it to see if it was real or false. I guess I'll never know.
I do feel more confident as I can hide my eyes behind my fringe and even when not wearing glasses I feel I can look people in the eye without looking away like I used to. I'm not sure where this confidence is coming from - though it's there, inbuilt all of a sudden.
At times when I'm adjusting my wig in the ladies, I'll part my fringe a little to the side and instantly I look different and my eyes are very obvious where the eyelid creases are and eeek, I go and cover them up as even I am not used to that look yet. It doesn't quite feel finished meaning I feel the eyelids can still come down a bit to look a bit more natural crease wise. It still overwhelms me at times in different lights and different conditions.
I did mention to a couple of the guys that I was wearing my ReliefBand to help relieve the nausea and oh, they immediately felt guilty and I wonder whether this particular guy thought I was having chemo hence feeling sick; and hence why perhaps I was wearing a wig (if he thought it was a wig?). I guess I'll never know as I can't ask. (sighs).
I still have to bump into more people as not everyone is back at work yet and there's more I haven't bumped into in the corridor.
Waking up in the mornings still feels weird as my head feels wooden and my eyes feel like they don't belong to me either. I wake sometimes thinking if I could, would I do this again and I'm not sure. I don't like having thinning patches and not being able to be mysel and having a wooden head. When this browlift drops completely in 8 years or so, I'll be 49 .... never say never is my motto though how many brow lifts can my head take? I dunno .... maybe this is enough ... it's a lot of money.
My upper eyelid incisions itched today at work .... arrrrgh. They still look crusty to me.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Day 29 post surgery : Tues 3 Jan 06
I was so nervous last night and worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep so I purchased some Valarien herbal tea which I'd never had before. I preferred that to the Valarien drops with alcohol (as I don't drink); or any of the other herbal sleeping tablets.
Surprisingly it tasted really good :) and within an hour I was sleepy, which felt like the natural sleepy feeling and fell asleep; though I did wake at 2.30am and couldn't fall back asleep as my mind was chattering and my head felt "wooden" - it's a really weird sensation in the forehead and head - like it doesn't belong to you - kinda like the feeling you get at the dentist when your teeth are anaethesised and don't feel like it belongs as part of your body.
Again I found myself slipping down the bed wedge and sleeping straight instead of elevated. Ah well - I allowed myself the luxury of doing so.
Wearing the wig in the morning took some time though I eventually got it looking how I wanted and head off for work.
To summarise, as people trickled in, everyone just said good morning per usual and no one did any double takes; apart from some of the guys coming up and asking how I was and commenting on my hairstyle, how they liked it and how it suited me and wishing me a Happy New Year. I think more were focused on my hair than on my eyes, which was wonderful as it took so much pressure off me. I even (and I'm amazed I did this) took off my glasses for the first time in a year throughout the day mainly when I wasn't using the computer and walked around to the copy room and ladies and to the bosses' offices etc without my glasses and no one did any double takes like they did before and no one flicked at their eyes like they did before and there was no uncomfortable silences or them trying to be nice and asking how my eyes were - and it was just great. Back to normality ! Yes!! (smiles).
What was so wonderful was that no one was asking about my eyes like they did before and only asked how I was doing from the surgery; and I said I was still feeling nauseaus, vision still blurry but was getting there etc. T, one of my bosses, asks a few personal questions though I'm hoping he'll get sidetracked by my hair and focus on that instead :).
M, from the FEX bureau, looked at me when I went to get some FEX, and commented on my hair and how it made me look so different, like a completely new person. I'm not sure if he liked it though I don't think he didn't. He just kept looking at my hair and the focus (yeah) was away from my eyes (whew)! The £250 for the wig was sure worth it! Whew! He did ask about my eyes though as I wasn't wearing glasses, I just said the same as what I was saying to the others, ie vision still blurry and I was trying to wean off glasses as one of my eyes (and this is true) tends to squint if I wear glasses too long.
I wore a little brown eye liner on both lids and a little bit of organic mascara and it looked normal ie nothing too excessive. My wig was fine up until the dreaded time of 2-3pm when it started to smart and throb again. I went to the ladies, took off my wig and gave my head a good old massage and then readjusted the head band and put the wig back on. Sometimes when I wear the wig and mess around with it, I do like how it sits on my head and wish my normal hair was as thick as that :) though perhaps when I have the extensions I can do that. I've taken some photos to show the guy in the shop.
One thing that does concern me is that my eyes only blink halfway (I videoed myself to see how I looked as my best friend wouldn't say too much about my blink) and it's noticeable if I blink slowly that I only blink halfway. Eeek. Also my eyes feel weird when they look down. I took pictures and as my uppers are still swollen, the upper eyelids do not seem to cover the eyeball sufficiently hence perhaps why there is only half a blink. I do hope this is something temporary and not permanent as I don't think this is something that can be repaired if too much skin has been removed (argh).
It was a long 10 hour day at work today and it was bearable and not as frightening as I thought it'd be :). I'm so glad people left me alone and didn't ask about my eyes and treated me like normal (I wish they had been doing that for the past year). The change is indeed very welcome and I hope it lasts as more bosses will be returning this week and next and I've yet to bump into more people along the corridor though I hope they'll focus on the wig and nought on my eyes (smiles).
The way I feel right now, I don't think I'm ready for surgery in 6-7 months time as I feel I'm healing so slowly (I'm now 4 weeks post surgery) and still feeling nauseaus and just generally run down. I can't bend my head too long as that makes me feel light headed and faint.
There are moments when I hate the lump in my left eye and the droop though it is much less noticeable than before; though as I can still see it, I feel frustrated --- grrrr!!
Need to get some sleep - hope I've written down the day as best I could. Will add more to this later if I've forgotten anything.
Surprisingly it tasted really good :) and within an hour I was sleepy, which felt like the natural sleepy feeling and fell asleep; though I did wake at 2.30am and couldn't fall back asleep as my mind was chattering and my head felt "wooden" - it's a really weird sensation in the forehead and head - like it doesn't belong to you - kinda like the feeling you get at the dentist when your teeth are anaethesised and don't feel like it belongs as part of your body.
Again I found myself slipping down the bed wedge and sleeping straight instead of elevated. Ah well - I allowed myself the luxury of doing so.
Wearing the wig in the morning took some time though I eventually got it looking how I wanted and head off for work.
To summarise, as people trickled in, everyone just said good morning per usual and no one did any double takes; apart from some of the guys coming up and asking how I was and commenting on my hairstyle, how they liked it and how it suited me and wishing me a Happy New Year. I think more were focused on my hair than on my eyes, which was wonderful as it took so much pressure off me. I even (and I'm amazed I did this) took off my glasses for the first time in a year throughout the day mainly when I wasn't using the computer and walked around to the copy room and ladies and to the bosses' offices etc without my glasses and no one did any double takes like they did before and no one flicked at their eyes like they did before and there was no uncomfortable silences or them trying to be nice and asking how my eyes were - and it was just great. Back to normality ! Yes!! (smiles).
What was so wonderful was that no one was asking about my eyes like they did before and only asked how I was doing from the surgery; and I said I was still feeling nauseaus, vision still blurry but was getting there etc. T, one of my bosses, asks a few personal questions though I'm hoping he'll get sidetracked by my hair and focus on that instead :).
M, from the FEX bureau, looked at me when I went to get some FEX, and commented on my hair and how it made me look so different, like a completely new person. I'm not sure if he liked it though I don't think he didn't. He just kept looking at my hair and the focus (yeah) was away from my eyes (whew)! The £250 for the wig was sure worth it! Whew! He did ask about my eyes though as I wasn't wearing glasses, I just said the same as what I was saying to the others, ie vision still blurry and I was trying to wean off glasses as one of my eyes (and this is true) tends to squint if I wear glasses too long.
I wore a little brown eye liner on both lids and a little bit of organic mascara and it looked normal ie nothing too excessive. My wig was fine up until the dreaded time of 2-3pm when it started to smart and throb again. I went to the ladies, took off my wig and gave my head a good old massage and then readjusted the head band and put the wig back on. Sometimes when I wear the wig and mess around with it, I do like how it sits on my head and wish my normal hair was as thick as that :) though perhaps when I have the extensions I can do that. I've taken some photos to show the guy in the shop.
One thing that does concern me is that my eyes only blink halfway (I videoed myself to see how I looked as my best friend wouldn't say too much about my blink) and it's noticeable if I blink slowly that I only blink halfway. Eeek. Also my eyes feel weird when they look down. I took pictures and as my uppers are still swollen, the upper eyelids do not seem to cover the eyeball sufficiently hence perhaps why there is only half a blink. I do hope this is something temporary and not permanent as I don't think this is something that can be repaired if too much skin has been removed (argh).
It was a long 10 hour day at work today and it was bearable and not as frightening as I thought it'd be :). I'm so glad people left me alone and didn't ask about my eyes and treated me like normal (I wish they had been doing that for the past year). The change is indeed very welcome and I hope it lasts as more bosses will be returning this week and next and I've yet to bump into more people along the corridor though I hope they'll focus on the wig and nought on my eyes (smiles).
The way I feel right now, I don't think I'm ready for surgery in 6-7 months time as I feel I'm healing so slowly (I'm now 4 weeks post surgery) and still feeling nauseaus and just generally run down. I can't bend my head too long as that makes me feel light headed and faint.
There are moments when I hate the lump in my left eye and the droop though it is much less noticeable than before; though as I can still see it, I feel frustrated --- grrrr!!
Need to get some sleep - hope I've written down the day as best I could. Will add more to this later if I've forgotten anything.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Day 27 post surgery : Sun 1 Jan 2006
Thread at Make Me Heal Forum http://www.makemeheal.com/messageboards/viewtopic.php?t=122&sid=e20754a4f87eadcbcb027d7861f4cf9f
My upper eyelids felt painful while I was sleeping this morning - felt like they'd been cut and really smart. I found that very strange. I'd somehow slipped down from my bed wedge during the night and found myself sleeping flat on the bed (eek) though when I looked at myself in the mirror my eyes looked fine, and didn't look swollen, thankfully.
I think I'm getting more used to seeing my eyes day by day though it could be cos the swelling is going down perhaps and/or the purplish bruising on the upper lids is also reducing and it's all beginning to look a bit more normal, along with the crease beginning to look a bit more normal than before, which had a very wide eyed open surprised look in the beginning which I found overwhelming. It'll be a month tomorrow since my surgery (wow). Time sure flies.
I look back on the pictures in the beginning of my surgery and remember how swollen I was and I'm shocked I actually went through all that ... it feels like a dream. Just like giving birth I guess. (I've never had a child - I can only guess from what I've heard - ie people forget the pain and want to go through it all over again :).
A summary of my journey so far:
Taken 18 Nov 05 before Y-V endo brow lift & upper eyelid reconstruction
Day 26 post surgery (31 Dec 05) : Y-V endo brow lift & upper eyelid reconstruction
A reminder for those who are new and reading in, my journey is far from over as in 2006 (probably July 2006 if not earlier), I am scheduled for lower eyelid reconstruction with my opthamalogist, along with fat repositioning. We will use Coleman fat transfer for my lower eye hollows if the fat repositioning does not work (fingers crossed it does).
My upper eyelids felt painful while I was sleeping this morning - felt like they'd been cut and really smart. I found that very strange. I'd somehow slipped down from my bed wedge during the night and found myself sleeping flat on the bed (eek) though when I looked at myself in the mirror my eyes looked fine, and didn't look swollen, thankfully.
I think I'm getting more used to seeing my eyes day by day though it could be cos the swelling is going down perhaps and/or the purplish bruising on the upper lids is also reducing and it's all beginning to look a bit more normal, along with the crease beginning to look a bit more normal than before, which had a very wide eyed open surprised look in the beginning which I found overwhelming. It'll be a month tomorrow since my surgery (wow). Time sure flies.
I look back on the pictures in the beginning of my surgery and remember how swollen I was and I'm shocked I actually went through all that ... it feels like a dream. Just like giving birth I guess. (I've never had a child - I can only guess from what I've heard - ie people forget the pain and want to go through it all over again :).
A summary of my journey so far:
Taken 18 Nov 05 before Y-V endo brow lift & upper eyelid reconstruction
Day 26 post surgery (31 Dec 05) : Y-V endo brow lift & upper eyelid reconstruction
A reminder for those who are new and reading in, my journey is far from over as in 2006 (probably July 2006 if not earlier), I am scheduled for lower eyelid reconstruction with my opthamalogist, along with fat repositioning. We will use Coleman fat transfer for my lower eye hollows if the fat repositioning does not work (fingers crossed it does).
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Day 26 post surgery : Sat 31 Dec 05
Day 25 post surgery - 30 Dec 05 - pix taken with no flash and smiling to show flabby areas under lower eyelids and the lump on left eyelid.
Day 25 post surgery - 30 Dec 05 - pix taken with no flash. Upper eyelids are still swollen and crusty looking.
Day 25 post surgery - 30 Dec 05 - pix taken with no flash. My uppers are still swollen and my left eyelid doesn't shut properly due to the lower eyelid retraction; same with the right lower eyelid retraction (smaller).
Thread at Make Me Heal Forum http://www.makemeheal.com/messageboards/viewtopic.php?t=122&sid=e20754a4f87eadcbcb027d7861f4cf9f
Having been fired up last nite from my tel con with my friend about my eyes, something snapped inside me today as I went to the supermarket to get some pineapples. The security guard in the store kept following me around and this has been happening in various stores and I just had enough and completely out of character, something inside me fired up, I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and told him that as a shopper, it felt very intimidating and harassing to have a security guard follow me, a shopper around, and that he could perhaps do a better job by doing his job and being invisible, so that I wouldn't feel harassed when shopping as I felt like walking out and very uncomfortable when everywhere I went, there he was, following me around (screams).
I was on automatic pilot and it's completely out of character as I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we don't like confrontation at all and like a peaceful life at all times. Anyway I think he was a little taken aback but he handled it really well and he started talking to me about how he had to follow people around as there were certain aisles that were hot targets and told me that as we spoke there was a couple in the alcohol section that were planning to steal; and took me there to show me. I looked at what he showed me but didn't see anything out of the ordinary and he continued to explain that they had put a bottle of very expensive whisky in their basket which they could not afford; and then got me to follow him and showed me how there were asking for directions from a member of staff to a blind area where he said they were planning on removing the security tag and walking out the shop after paying for their normal groceries etc. Very intriguing.
I said I'm sure his job was difficult as I wouldn't like confronting someone who was on drugs or an addict and walking out stealing. After a while he started talking about me personally, digging for info if I had kids, lived alone etc and said maybe he could come round and keep me company. Ahhh, thanks but I don't think so. :) Hmm, I just thought he was fairly youngish and good looking and perhaps I could see that as a compliment (smiles) re my new eyes and look :) It was flattering and I did leave the supermarket with a smile.
And I learnt something from my fiery conversation with my friend last night.
I also learnt that she was projecting her fears on to me when she spoke about my surgeries and so was my best friend, who is scared of needles and any operations and is a very bad patient. Geez, I should know this as I've done the Hoffman Process http://hoffmaninstitute.com/ ... I guess I forgot temporarily and this is a reminder. Then again she did the Process too. That's where we met; so I thought she'd have known better; though not everyone who's done the Process heals all their childhood wounds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
