Pictures : Week 8 post surgery Sun 30 July 06

It's been a busy weekend painting my kitchen and I've been busy with my yoga breathing and meditations and getting a routine going. I could use more hours in the day and didn't have a weekend last week cos of the yoga weekend workshop.

I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.

I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.

I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.

Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!

Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.

Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?

My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.

But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.

I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.