I think I got my calculations all wrong and I'm now in my 8th week of recovery - well I'm sure that's how I counted it on the calendar. Mon 5th June being my surgery date.
In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).
When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.
I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.
It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.
My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment