It's been over a week with my bad cough, sore throat and lungs and now today sinuses (cold) and it's draining. Everything hurts even my incision lines and areas underneath my eyes (outer) which smart to touch and for some reason they itch and the instinct is to touch them.
I'm surprised at the 3 month mark that I still have red incision lines on my outer eyes. It looks like red eye liner and can be seen through my make up when my make up wears off during the day though I can't really be bothered anymore (arrgh).
My eyes are still constantly changing, thou the lower eyelid retractions are always there as a permanent reminder. When I think ahead about the upcoming mouth graft in December, I do tremble at times re any pain and discomfort and I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of spending my life just waiting for revisions as my life seems to be on hold.
I watched a programme on tv last night re BDD where a woman who was beautiful felt ugly. There was a point in the programme where she agreed to remove all her make up in front of her friend (not the cameras) and it took her a lot of courage to do so. When she did, her friend commented on how beautiful and young she looked (we couldn't see anything as her back was to the camera); and then her friend kept on the dialogue that the woman was making up the fact that she was ugly, her skin was too pale etc etc to which the woman replied that she was glad she'd been to some therapy beforehand and was in a good space before she heard those comments, cos they are the very words that could potentially be damaging to a person with BDD, and also invalidating. It's very easy to speak without thinking about how our words affect another person and familes are a very good example of this where well meaning parents usually tend to be unable to convey their caring to their children, whatever age they may be. Take whatever message there is that jumps out at you - if it does or not, when you read my blog and view my pictures of my individual journey.
more to follow
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
3 months post surgery
I'm about the 3 month mark now post surgery and the last surgery was my 4th eye surgery and 3rd revision surgery.
I've been feeling very ill the past week with a really bad sore throat and cough and have been having lots of sleepless nights up coughing so hard every couple of mins, I couldn't sleep. I'm a little better though still have the cough.
I went to have my hair cut (last one was in May this year) and I'm happy with the cut, which is simple. My fringe is cut parted to the side, as that is how I prefer to wear it, and darn, my hair feels like a lion's mange (is that the right word?), as it feels so thick, and not the usual fine thin hair! Awesome, and thanks to Nourkrin! which I've now been on for about 7-8 months.
I looked awful at the hairdressers, especially sitting next to a beautiful 23 year old hairdresser who had perfect skin! My eyes looked like they were looking in different directions and I could see all the imperfections and I looked tired and haggard and I thought to myself, geez, all that money I've spent on my face the past year and a half and I still look tired and haggard. (sighs).
I took a pix of my new haircut today though it's not a suitable picture to share as it isn't a good comparison with the others as it's too small - so will have to wait.
When I look at myself in the mirror I still use my fingers to pull both lower eyelids up to see how they'll look, and pull my right outer upper eyelid up and that looks perfect and I think to myself, I sooooo soooooo sooooo hope the next revision surgery will be the very *last* one as I don't want to go through all that pain and recovery time again and financial strain. Even though private health cover part of it, what little I have had to pay and will need to pay is a burden on me as I have other bills and debts to uphold in life and there are priority things that need to be taken care of in the house repairs that are long overdue that have needed to take a back seat cos of these revisions. I haven't had a holiday for almost 6 years now (Miami last year doesn't count cos I met that a-hole there ... bah).
My washing machine has also broken down (has been for the past year and I think it's had it's last legs after 10 years and I need another one .... though can I?). My financial credit isn't so good right now (yikes).
I had much more to share last nite though have forgotten what I wanted to share.
I looked at some recent pictures of myself and I don't look the same person anymore. Each time I look at myself in the car mirror or any mirror, all I see are the lower eyelid droops in both eyes and the different upper eyelid curve in my right eye which gives the right and left eye different shapes. They look worst when I'm tired and my eyes are like half open. My heart sinks each time I see my reflection.
I've been feeling very ill the past week with a really bad sore throat and cough and have been having lots of sleepless nights up coughing so hard every couple of mins, I couldn't sleep. I'm a little better though still have the cough.
I went to have my hair cut (last one was in May this year) and I'm happy with the cut, which is simple. My fringe is cut parted to the side, as that is how I prefer to wear it, and darn, my hair feels like a lion's mange (is that the right word?), as it feels so thick, and not the usual fine thin hair! Awesome, and thanks to Nourkrin! which I've now been on for about 7-8 months.
I looked awful at the hairdressers, especially sitting next to a beautiful 23 year old hairdresser who had perfect skin! My eyes looked like they were looking in different directions and I could see all the imperfections and I looked tired and haggard and I thought to myself, geez, all that money I've spent on my face the past year and a half and I still look tired and haggard. (sighs).
I took a pix of my new haircut today though it's not a suitable picture to share as it isn't a good comparison with the others as it's too small - so will have to wait.
When I look at myself in the mirror I still use my fingers to pull both lower eyelids up to see how they'll look, and pull my right outer upper eyelid up and that looks perfect and I think to myself, I sooooo soooooo sooooo hope the next revision surgery will be the very *last* one as I don't want to go through all that pain and recovery time again and financial strain. Even though private health cover part of it, what little I have had to pay and will need to pay is a burden on me as I have other bills and debts to uphold in life and there are priority things that need to be taken care of in the house repairs that are long overdue that have needed to take a back seat cos of these revisions. I haven't had a holiday for almost 6 years now (Miami last year doesn't count cos I met that a-hole there ... bah).
My washing machine has also broken down (has been for the past year and I think it's had it's last legs after 10 years and I need another one .... though can I?). My financial credit isn't so good right now (yikes).
I had much more to share last nite though have forgotten what I wanted to share.
I looked at some recent pictures of myself and I don't look the same person anymore. Each time I look at myself in the car mirror or any mirror, all I see are the lower eyelid droops in both eyes and the different upper eyelid curve in my right eye which gives the right and left eye different shapes. They look worst when I'm tired and my eyes are like half open. My heart sinks each time I see my reflection.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
2 and a half months post surgery + 8 months post surgery
I'm 2 and a half months post my second revision with Jane and 8 months post surgery my first revision with Jane ie the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction etc. I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis. Sometimes I glimpse into the mirror and wow, I see someone totally different and my eyes look good though on closer inspection I can see the irregularities that still need fixing, ie the lower left eyelid retraction, the right eye being a different shape to the left eye and the crooked fly's legs for my eyelashes (I haven't used mascara for two and a half months as it just won't sit on my eyelashes - they just won't curl up - it's like they are broken ... very strange).
This last revision with Jane has had an impact and things are improving slowly. My right outer eyelid isn't feling as tight as it was though it still feels claustrophobic and when I take an impromptu picture on my cellphone, you can see the difference in eye shapes and the dip in the right outer upper eyelid - the pictures below don't reflect that. Each time I take a picture it seems to show something different, depending on the angle that the picture is being taken at. Sometimes my lower left retraction doesn't look so bad and sometimes it looks bad - again depending on the angle and which direction I'm looking. Obviously when I'm talking to people and in normal mode, my eyes are looking everywhere and not straight like it is when a picture is being taken, ie in 3D mode, people will see my eyes look in all kinds of directions, up down, left, blinking etc - oh yeah and I still blink really slow and my best friend said sometimes I only half blink and don't shut my eyes when I blink.
I fell asleep for 30 mins as a nap this afternoon and oh boy my eyes were really burning and hot. Obviously my eyes weren't shutting (sighs) - though as it was such a short time, my eyes didn't get to that stage where they started watering and getting really painful.
When I wake in the mornings, I can feel the ache in my outer eye muscles (obicularis (?)) and during the day as well I can feel them throbbing and aching still. I do spend a lot of time in the mirror at work and when I look at my reflection, pulling my eyelids up to see how they will finally look. I pull my right outer eyelid out a bit more as my vision is blurred and pull the right lower eyelid up a bit; and I pull the left lower eyelid up and out as well and voila, perfect eyes (smiles). The lower eyelid hollows don't bother me as much now that my right cheek infection went down (whew) though the area is still scarred ie is red and shows through my make up. It looks like a birth mark though is fading, thankfully.
Much to do ... always so much to do .... the past two and a half months have flown past and I'm just soooooo thankful I don't have to wear a wig anymore. That was such a traumatic time in my life - every second of it. My hair now is so much more thicker thanks to Nourkrin - I've just started the maintenance programme of Nourkrin; and it's made such a difference. When I part my hair I can still see the Y-V incision lines on my scalp and most of them are covered by hair (I think - as i haven't checked all of them - there are 3. They are mostly able to be disguised though I still as yet can't part my hair on the left as the left incision area is still growing hair back after 8 months. Oh yeah and I've parted my hair on the right so that my fringe is covering my left eye which has the lower eyelid retraction and hides my left eye as I'm embarassed by my left lower eyelid retraction which in normal day to day life at work does show up.
This last revision with Jane has had an impact and things are improving slowly. My right outer eyelid isn't feling as tight as it was though it still feels claustrophobic and when I take an impromptu picture on my cellphone, you can see the difference in eye shapes and the dip in the right outer upper eyelid - the pictures below don't reflect that. Each time I take a picture it seems to show something different, depending on the angle that the picture is being taken at. Sometimes my lower left retraction doesn't look so bad and sometimes it looks bad - again depending on the angle and which direction I'm looking. Obviously when I'm talking to people and in normal mode, my eyes are looking everywhere and not straight like it is when a picture is being taken, ie in 3D mode, people will see my eyes look in all kinds of directions, up down, left, blinking etc - oh yeah and I still blink really slow and my best friend said sometimes I only half blink and don't shut my eyes when I blink.
I fell asleep for 30 mins as a nap this afternoon and oh boy my eyes were really burning and hot. Obviously my eyes weren't shutting (sighs) - though as it was such a short time, my eyes didn't get to that stage where they started watering and getting really painful.
When I wake in the mornings, I can feel the ache in my outer eye muscles (obicularis (?)) and during the day as well I can feel them throbbing and aching still. I do spend a lot of time in the mirror at work and when I look at my reflection, pulling my eyelids up to see how they will finally look. I pull my right outer eyelid out a bit more as my vision is blurred and pull the right lower eyelid up a bit; and I pull the left lower eyelid up and out as well and voila, perfect eyes (smiles). The lower eyelid hollows don't bother me as much now that my right cheek infection went down (whew) though the area is still scarred ie is red and shows through my make up. It looks like a birth mark though is fading, thankfully.
Much to do ... always so much to do .... the past two and a half months have flown past and I'm just soooooo thankful I don't have to wear a wig anymore. That was such a traumatic time in my life - every second of it. My hair now is so much more thicker thanks to Nourkrin - I've just started the maintenance programme of Nourkrin; and it's made such a difference. When I part my hair I can still see the Y-V incision lines on my scalp and most of them are covered by hair (I think - as i haven't checked all of them - there are 3. They are mostly able to be disguised though I still as yet can't part my hair on the left as the left incision area is still growing hair back after 8 months. Oh yeah and I've parted my hair on the right so that my fringe is covering my left eye which has the lower eyelid retraction and hides my left eye as I'm embarassed by my left lower eyelid retraction which in normal day to day life at work does show up.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Picture update Sat 12th Aug 06
I spent some time today taking some pictures, at 10 weeks post op and have spent the past hour and a half cropping them and adding to my blog. It is very time consuming and sometimes I just don't feel up to it though I made an effort tonite to tick it off my to do list as I know in the long run, I'll be glad I did it when I come to read my blog back for reference purposes and to see how far I've come.
The photos below show my eyes as I see them in real life, ie crooked, and just looking weird and different, with different shapes and looking like they are looking in different directions. I've cropped them so you can only see the eyes though when you see the full face, it again takes on a different life of it's own, though I won't show the full face for obvious reasons, ie my privacy.
I'm glad Jane can see what I see and hopefully the next surgery will be the last one. My finances just can't take another hit again. I'm just not living life, as everything is going into paying off for my surgeries, and I'm on such a tight budget.
Sat 12th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post opEye shapes are different, red incision lines still visible on lower lids
Sat 12th Aug - 10 weeks post opEyes looking down. Eyes look abnormal and bulging out of the eye socket plus there's schleral show on the top left eyelid. Gross! I wonder if I hadn't been put to sleep when under local and had been able to follow instructions if the eyes would be more even. Incisions lines on lower eyelids can be seen to outers
Fri 11th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post opWith flash - looking sideways. Redness in right eye, incision lines can still be seen as can lower lid retraction in both eyes with lots of white scheleral showing - something's not quite right
Sat 12th August 06 - 10 weeks post opSlightly looking left - eyes look like they're looking in different directions and there's a lump under my right eye which has been there since surgery. Jane said this can be taken care of next surgery and snipped off. It looks like a keloid scar.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
People's flicks continue
People are still continuing to flick away at their eyes when they talk to me and it's driving me crazy!!!
We had to move desks yesterday and I had to speak to a number of people ie the removal men, computer men and telephone guys etc and a few of them flicked away at their eyes when talking to me, subconsciously and it's the same ie pulling up of their outer eyelid (ie like where my left lower eyelid retraction is). They just stand there and pull up their outer eyelid and it really gets to me at times cos they all seem to do that ie either pull up of their outer eyelid and/or flick away at their lower eyelid. (sighs). Arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!
My lower eyelids have been smarting a lot ie flickers, throbs and spasms of small sharp pain - I'm assuming it's nerves regenerating or something like that - it's in the incision areas in the lower eyelids. I'm in Week 9 post surgery this week I believe which is just over the 2 month mark.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes do look ok but hey who am I kidding, with all these people who keep pulling up their lower eyelids whenever they talk to me (bah!). I wonder if I'm just so used to seeing my left lower eyelid retraction that I've stopped seeing it so much now. Well I do see it, but it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be and is so much better. Surely people can't be that aware of it. I dunno anymore. Arrrgh!
I need to do a picture of myself showing my eyes how they should be. At the moment the outer eye corner is a few mms below the inner eye corner and I read somewhere that the level of the outer eye corner should be about 2mm above the level of the inner eye corner (if this makes sense). I'll have to do a picture to show where my outer eye corner should be, that would look normal in a female. My outer eye corners droop quite far down from my inner eye corner and are too round (well the right eye is more round than the left eye. A picture speaks a thousand words (smiles).
I don't know where time flies but I find it so hard to get time these days. I have so much to do and so many obligations and I haven't been feeling too well either. Cleansing from the yoga weekend a few weeks ago. I'm going back for another yoga weekend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.
Indi
We had to move desks yesterday and I had to speak to a number of people ie the removal men, computer men and telephone guys etc and a few of them flicked away at their eyes when talking to me, subconsciously and it's the same ie pulling up of their outer eyelid (ie like where my left lower eyelid retraction is). They just stand there and pull up their outer eyelid and it really gets to me at times cos they all seem to do that ie either pull up of their outer eyelid and/or flick away at their lower eyelid. (sighs). Arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!
My lower eyelids have been smarting a lot ie flickers, throbs and spasms of small sharp pain - I'm assuming it's nerves regenerating or something like that - it's in the incision areas in the lower eyelids. I'm in Week 9 post surgery this week I believe which is just over the 2 month mark.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes do look ok but hey who am I kidding, with all these people who keep pulling up their lower eyelids whenever they talk to me (bah!). I wonder if I'm just so used to seeing my left lower eyelid retraction that I've stopped seeing it so much now. Well I do see it, but it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be and is so much better. Surely people can't be that aware of it. I dunno anymore. Arrrgh!
I need to do a picture of myself showing my eyes how they should be. At the moment the outer eye corner is a few mms below the inner eye corner and I read somewhere that the level of the outer eye corner should be about 2mm above the level of the inner eye corner (if this makes sense). I'll have to do a picture to show where my outer eye corner should be, that would look normal in a female. My outer eye corners droop quite far down from my inner eye corner and are too round (well the right eye is more round than the left eye. A picture speaks a thousand words (smiles).
I don't know where time flies but I find it so hard to get time these days. I have so much to do and so many obligations and I haven't been feeling too well either. Cleansing from the yoga weekend a few weeks ago. I'm going back for another yoga weekend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.
Indi
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Changes & Jane's summary
My eyes are changing weekly and I am noticing the difference. I was massaging and pulling up my right eyelid cos I can't see too well from it and it seems to have made a difference to the vision though it's still uncomfortable and feels tight. There'll obviously be more subtle changes over the following weeks/months before the next revision.
When I roll my eyes around in my head I can still feel what feels like stitches, though Jane said it was gristle. Question is: will that stuff always be there and/or will it disappear and if it's gristle, why does it feel so hard like it's stitches? Does it scratch the cornea etc?
Jane's letter which arrived pleasantly early (last letter she sent was a month after my surgery!), it 2-3 days after my consult, summarised:
Upper eyelids
Right upper eyelid has a small lateral droop and lash ptosis. Left upper lid has a small lateral lash ptosis which will need further everting. The right eye shape is rounder than the left, which is oval, which is due to some weakening of a right lateral canthal tendon which will require tightening and elevating with a lateral periosteal strip.
Lower lids
The left lower lid is still retracting more than the right lower lid and there are still some hollow areas in the tear trough region. Will require bilateral lower eyelid Coleman fat and placement of hard palate mucosal grafts, together with the left lateral canthal tightening as there has been some loosening of her left lower lid since procedure in June.
Price for the surgery including hospital costs and follow up consults is around the £6,500 mark. Ouch! I haven't even sat down to count how much it's cost me in the 4 surgeries so far for my eyes. It's approximately in the region of £23,000 including this next 5th one. £3,500 for the first bleph, 1st revision was free with the original first surgeon, approx £7,500 for brow lift and upper bilateral etc in Dec 05, approx £6,000 for the 2nd revision and £6,500 for the next and hopefully last revision. And it will have taken over 2 years of my life. If I'd known all of this would I have ever started? Nope. Certainly not. I'd had the ptosis which was getting bad though I would probably have waited till it affected my vision before I got Moorfields Hospital to take a look at it. Thou it's happened and if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When I roll my eyes around in my head I can still feel what feels like stitches, though Jane said it was gristle. Question is: will that stuff always be there and/or will it disappear and if it's gristle, why does it feel so hard like it's stitches? Does it scratch the cornea etc?
Jane's letter which arrived pleasantly early (last letter she sent was a month after my surgery!), it 2-3 days after my consult, summarised:
Upper eyelids
Right upper eyelid has a small lateral droop and lash ptosis. Left upper lid has a small lateral lash ptosis which will need further everting. The right eye shape is rounder than the left, which is oval, which is due to some weakening of a right lateral canthal tendon which will require tightening and elevating with a lateral periosteal strip.
Lower lids
The left lower lid is still retracting more than the right lower lid and there are still some hollow areas in the tear trough region. Will require bilateral lower eyelid Coleman fat and placement of hard palate mucosal grafts, together with the left lateral canthal tightening as there has been some loosening of her left lower lid since procedure in June.
Price for the surgery including hospital costs and follow up consults is around the £6,500 mark. Ouch! I haven't even sat down to count how much it's cost me in the 4 surgeries so far for my eyes. It's approximately in the region of £23,000 including this next 5th one. £3,500 for the first bleph, 1st revision was free with the original first surgeon, approx £7,500 for brow lift and upper bilateral etc in Dec 05, approx £6,000 for the 2nd revision and £6,500 for the next and hopefully last revision. And it will have taken over 2 years of my life. If I'd known all of this would I have ever started? Nope. Certainly not. I'd had the ptosis which was getting bad though I would probably have waited till it affected my vision before I got Moorfields Hospital to take a look at it. Thou it's happened and if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Dec 05 to July 06 pixs
I chose some photos from before any surgery to July 06, after my 4th bleph and revision, 9 weeks ago. I'm feeling a little sad tonite from the change of shape in my eyes at week 9 post this last revision. Jane is going to snip open my right outer eyelid and do an elevation with a lateral periosteal strip and give it back the shape it should be in line with the left eye and so I can see properly again. There's no point in being upset that it wasn't done right in the first place - I'm just tired of going there. Let's just focus on correcting it and moving on with life.Wednesday, August 02, 2006
2 month post surgery follow up consult with Jane Olver
I had my 2 month post op follow up surgery with Jane Olver today. It certainly is always interesting when I have my consults with Jane in Harley Street (smiles!
I felt for Jane today and my heart went out to her as her assistant decided to answer back and be argumentative in front of me, the client, while I was having my consult.
I emphatised with Jane as I've experienced her assistant's abruptness and argumentativeness over the phone a few times when I've needed answers and the reaction I received back was not something I'd expect of a professional medical secretary working in Harley Street. While at times she can be nice, the assistant can be quite abrupt and scary and perhaps too direct and blunt, without taking other people's feelings into consideration.
Jane is such a nice person and I felt her assistant could have chosen a more polite time to choose to be argumentative and answer back to Jane when asked to assist and certainly not during a consultation and in front of a client. If her assistant had issues, it wasn't the right time to bring them up and she could have chosen to behave professionally as a medical sec and/or any other assistant would have done especially in front of a client.
I so wanted to reach out and give Jane a hug -- auuuww. She was really upset and I could understand as hey I'm a secretary myself in the banking industry and I totally understand secretary/manager relationships having had my fair share of them, though in front of a client is something completely different.
Maybe I don't see the side of Jane that her assistant sees though I, like any normal person, can pick up and sense another person's energies and I don't sense a mean bone in Jane's body to warrant or justify the treatment she received from her assistant today. No one did. I hope Jane manages to resolve things and that they calm down and everyone makes their peace soon, and that Jane's assistant apologies to her.
When her assistant left the building, the energy changed completely and it was amazing!!
Anyway, back to the consult.... I shared my thoughts with Jane about my eyes ie:
- right eye vision - can't see too well out of corner (too tight)
- keep wanting to pull right corner eyelid up so I can see as it feels too tight
- right lower eyelid has a lump from the incision
- right eyebrow raises when left eye shuts
- right lower eyelid hollow
- left lower eyelid is retracted
- left lower eyelid lump
- left inner eyelid fat transfer slightly less (from when that cyst happened)
- Dry eyes in both eyes and keratitis
- More so in left eye daily ie feels hot and burning sensations
- Left eyelid sticks to eyeball in the morning when opening even when using Lacrilube
- Both eyes have different shapes ie left eyelid more almond and right more round
- When I roll my eyes in my socket, it feels gritty, like there are stitches
In between discussing all this, the phone rang, text msgs happened, she had to go to see her secretary a few times and her secretary decided to instigate an argument of all days, in the middle of MY consult! (smiles). It's ok. As long as Jane didn't cut short my time, I was ok with it, and she had specifically made me her last appointment so she could give me ample time which was nice :).
So anyway the consult was disrupted a few times. I felt her assistant could have assisted more than she did instead of being argumentative .... geez. Jane was certainly very patient with her - if that was my assistant, I may have reacted differently. Jane did very well to keep her cool (bravo Jane).
To cut a long story short, as everything was in snippets in between telephone calls and secretaries etc, Jane was able to see all that I pointed out above which was great for me. As she says I know my own eyes. She did suggest restylane for the left lower eyelid retraction as she said she was hesitant to do another surgery as she didn't want me to keep having surgery after another though understood my views against hydraulic acid; and I wasn't keen on spending £600 or more every 6 months or so and suffering the pain of injections which I don't like at the best of times.
So we agreed on the mucoscal hard graft palate in both eyes, more so on the left than on the right and something else on the right outer eyelid to raise it. She did call it by it's technical name but I've forgotten it - my memory isn't good. I'll have to wait for her letter. Possibly fat transfer to the lower eyelids as there isn't enough fat in the tear trough especially the right eye to reposition and also on the left. I'm not sure what she's going to do with the left lower eyelid lump - I don't think we got to that part with all the interruptions going on - or we may have and then got interrupted again.
Jane spotted the "fly legs" as I call it on my left upper eyelashes and said that needs addressing again as it's not right, and something about my right eyelashes as well - they just aren't curling up as they ought to.
I said I hoped that when I have this operation it'll be the last ever and Jane said hopefully though there'll need to be touch ups (I'm not sure what that means - though hope it's nufin expensive!).
We agreed a date of 18th Dec 06 for my next surgery (which will be 7 months from this recent surgery). Jane said I had to wait at least 6 months.
Jane took some pictures at the end, and asked me to pose in certain positions and showed me the pictures afterwards. I'm glad she could see what I'd been referring to as she'd taken pictures of my eyes as I see them, ie when they look horrible and "deformed" as I call it. She explained a few reasons technically but yikes I've forgotten already! (shucks).
So the summary as I shared with Jane, in my thoughts were, use the mucosal hard palate graft to lift the lower eyelids and tighten up and pull out the right side and fat transfer to the lowers and we're good to go!! Yup, she said :). She seemed confident enough and didn't add anything else and agreed with me. We seemed to be on the same wavelength. She added in the upper eyelashes which I hadn't brought up even though I noticed it.
Jane did comment that my observational powers are heightened. Comes with experience and age and is earned. :) I did share with her that my self esteem suffers because of all the looks I get and the people who rub their eyes and flick away at their eyes when they talk to me. I deal with it as I have to though it still eats away at me inside and my heart does sink just cos I usually have forgotten about how my eyes are as they're much better then they were and when people do that, even if it's subconsciously it just reminds me and brings me back to reality with a bump, that the journey is far from over yet and I need to keep on my toes instead of being relaxed about it all.
No need to see Jane for a follow up now until approx October, 3 months from now and/or just before the surgery.
I felt for Jane today and my heart went out to her as her assistant decided to answer back and be argumentative in front of me, the client, while I was having my consult.
I emphatised with Jane as I've experienced her assistant's abruptness and argumentativeness over the phone a few times when I've needed answers and the reaction I received back was not something I'd expect of a professional medical secretary working in Harley Street. While at times she can be nice, the assistant can be quite abrupt and scary and perhaps too direct and blunt, without taking other people's feelings into consideration.
Jane is such a nice person and I felt her assistant could have chosen a more polite time to choose to be argumentative and answer back to Jane when asked to assist and certainly not during a consultation and in front of a client. If her assistant had issues, it wasn't the right time to bring them up and she could have chosen to behave professionally as a medical sec and/or any other assistant would have done especially in front of a client.
I so wanted to reach out and give Jane a hug -- auuuww. She was really upset and I could understand as hey I'm a secretary myself in the banking industry and I totally understand secretary/manager relationships having had my fair share of them, though in front of a client is something completely different.
Maybe I don't see the side of Jane that her assistant sees though I, like any normal person, can pick up and sense another person's energies and I don't sense a mean bone in Jane's body to warrant or justify the treatment she received from her assistant today. No one did. I hope Jane manages to resolve things and that they calm down and everyone makes their peace soon, and that Jane's assistant apologies to her.
When her assistant left the building, the energy changed completely and it was amazing!!
Anyway, back to the consult.... I shared my thoughts with Jane about my eyes ie:
- right eye vision - can't see too well out of corner (too tight)
- keep wanting to pull right corner eyelid up so I can see as it feels too tight
- right lower eyelid has a lump from the incision
- right eyebrow raises when left eye shuts
- right lower eyelid hollow
- left lower eyelid is retracted
- left lower eyelid lump
- left inner eyelid fat transfer slightly less (from when that cyst happened)
- Dry eyes in both eyes and keratitis
- More so in left eye daily ie feels hot and burning sensations
- Left eyelid sticks to eyeball in the morning when opening even when using Lacrilube
- Both eyes have different shapes ie left eyelid more almond and right more round
- When I roll my eyes in my socket, it feels gritty, like there are stitches
In between discussing all this, the phone rang, text msgs happened, she had to go to see her secretary a few times and her secretary decided to instigate an argument of all days, in the middle of MY consult! (smiles). It's ok. As long as Jane didn't cut short my time, I was ok with it, and she had specifically made me her last appointment so she could give me ample time which was nice :).
So anyway the consult was disrupted a few times. I felt her assistant could have assisted more than she did instead of being argumentative .... geez. Jane was certainly very patient with her - if that was my assistant, I may have reacted differently. Jane did very well to keep her cool (bravo Jane).
To cut a long story short, as everything was in snippets in between telephone calls and secretaries etc, Jane was able to see all that I pointed out above which was great for me. As she says I know my own eyes. She did suggest restylane for the left lower eyelid retraction as she said she was hesitant to do another surgery as she didn't want me to keep having surgery after another though understood my views against hydraulic acid; and I wasn't keen on spending £600 or more every 6 months or so and suffering the pain of injections which I don't like at the best of times.
So we agreed on the mucoscal hard graft palate in both eyes, more so on the left than on the right and something else on the right outer eyelid to raise it. She did call it by it's technical name but I've forgotten it - my memory isn't good. I'll have to wait for her letter. Possibly fat transfer to the lower eyelids as there isn't enough fat in the tear trough especially the right eye to reposition and also on the left. I'm not sure what she's going to do with the left lower eyelid lump - I don't think we got to that part with all the interruptions going on - or we may have and then got interrupted again.
Jane spotted the "fly legs" as I call it on my left upper eyelashes and said that needs addressing again as it's not right, and something about my right eyelashes as well - they just aren't curling up as they ought to.
I said I hoped that when I have this operation it'll be the last ever and Jane said hopefully though there'll need to be touch ups (I'm not sure what that means - though hope it's nufin expensive!).
We agreed a date of 18th Dec 06 for my next surgery (which will be 7 months from this recent surgery). Jane said I had to wait at least 6 months.
Jane took some pictures at the end, and asked me to pose in certain positions and showed me the pictures afterwards. I'm glad she could see what I'd been referring to as she'd taken pictures of my eyes as I see them, ie when they look horrible and "deformed" as I call it. She explained a few reasons technically but yikes I've forgotten already! (shucks).
So the summary as I shared with Jane, in my thoughts were, use the mucosal hard palate graft to lift the lower eyelids and tighten up and pull out the right side and fat transfer to the lowers and we're good to go!! Yup, she said :). She seemed confident enough and didn't add anything else and agreed with me. We seemed to be on the same wavelength. She added in the upper eyelashes which I hadn't brought up even though I noticed it.
Jane did comment that my observational powers are heightened. Comes with experience and age and is earned. :) I did share with her that my self esteem suffers because of all the looks I get and the people who rub their eyes and flick away at their eyes when they talk to me. I deal with it as I have to though it still eats away at me inside and my heart does sink just cos I usually have forgotten about how my eyes are as they're much better then they were and when people do that, even if it's subconsciously it just reminds me and brings me back to reality with a bump, that the journey is far from over yet and I need to keep on my toes instead of being relaxed about it all.
No need to see Jane for a follow up now until approx October, 3 months from now and/or just before the surgery.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Slideshow of journey so far the past 8 weeks
I don't have time to write much tonite as I've much to do, or post replies. This sharing is all mainly for my own benefit, is very catharthic and healing for me to get it all out of my system as friends and family just don't understand - heck, even those who've been through surgery don't understand unless they've been through exactly what I've been through and walked in my shoes, having lived the life I've lived, and with the circumstances in my life etc .... so my blogger is my personal diary and those of you reading in are reading my personal private thoughts in a diary. Everyone's journey is individual to them and mine won't necessarily reflect what will happen to you. We all heal differently and handle what life throws at us differently, based on who we are, what we've learnt and where we come from and most importantly the programming based on our childhood will equate to how we react to our circumstances in life. Take what you need, per usual, and let the rest go.
I have my follow up appointment with Jane tomorrow. This should be interesting as I've a whole wide range of emotions, and lots of frustration, amongst happy ones as well. Looking at my journey on the slideshow since the 5th June 06 eight weeks ago certainly shows me how far I've come in my journey and there's a mixture of emotions looking at the sequence of events unfolding.
This morning I felt like a broken down doll which someone has tried to mend together, with snippets of spare parts. I'd looked at myself in the mirror while my head was down and my eyes looked up and my eyes looked all out of place and crooked and my heart sank (sighs). That's when I felt like a broken doll. :(
Slideshow is not perfect and I find it frustrating that it zooms in on the right eye when I want to look at BOTH eyes at the same time (grins), then hey, it's what's available easily on offer. I've tried to look out there for much more effective slideshows but I just don't have the time. The days I get to flick through my blog and see the journey I've come through so far is very healing and catharthic. Thou it does hurt to see my eyes after my very first surgery in Dec 2004 on my other eye blog (link at the top of this page).
For what it's worth, I'm a webmaster, have my own various new age and healing websites and support forums for about 9 years and this is second nature to me, plus I type at over 110 words a minute, as I work on the computers and have done the past 20 years. I can type as fast as I think and the keyboard just can't keep up with me at times. It's healing to hear myself think and the words appear on screen - that's the catharthic part for me. It's like validation.
I have my follow up appointment with Jane tomorrow. This should be interesting as I've a whole wide range of emotions, and lots of frustration, amongst happy ones as well. Looking at my journey on the slideshow since the 5th June 06 eight weeks ago certainly shows me how far I've come in my journey and there's a mixture of emotions looking at the sequence of events unfolding.
This morning I felt like a broken down doll which someone has tried to mend together, with snippets of spare parts. I'd looked at myself in the mirror while my head was down and my eyes looked up and my eyes looked all out of place and crooked and my heart sank (sighs). That's when I felt like a broken doll. :(
Slideshow is not perfect and I find it frustrating that it zooms in on the right eye when I want to look at BOTH eyes at the same time (grins), then hey, it's what's available easily on offer. I've tried to look out there for much more effective slideshows but I just don't have the time. The days I get to flick through my blog and see the journey I've come through so far is very healing and catharthic. Thou it does hurt to see my eyes after my very first surgery in Dec 2004 on my other eye blog (link at the top of this page).
For what it's worth, I'm a webmaster, have my own various new age and healing websites and support forums for about 9 years and this is second nature to me, plus I type at over 110 words a minute, as I work on the computers and have done the past 20 years. I can type as fast as I think and the keyboard just can't keep up with me at times. It's healing to hear myself think and the words appear on screen - that's the catharthic part for me. It's like validation.
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