Hey it's Independence Day today! :) I assume it's a public holiday then in the US?
I've been awake a few hours and my eyesight is just so blurry - it's so difficult to see. My left eye is especially worst. I wonder if it's cos the eye muscle or I think it's called the orbicularis is bruised or whatever - I read that somewhere. My eyes feel tight in the eye socket and it's hard to move around - like the space is all constricted. It's getting better but it surely feels weird. It feels that my eyes don't belong to me or there's something not quite right. The heat isn't helping. I feel feverish as well.
Good news is that my right cheek infection is finally healing fast with all the extra help I've been doing to help it along (I won't go into detail). It will probably take another week or two to fully heal but the main swelling has gone down and the acne is less and I can probably cover it up comfortably with make up and camouflage now. The area is very red though - about the size of half my palm.
I've taken today off as well and will return to work tomorrow. It'll have been 5 working days that I've taken off work and I'm concerned about it too but my health and peace of mind is important and when I do go back, it'll be hard core working. I have to let the office go while I'm at home and tomorrow I'll resume the role of looking after that engine room again - till then, they'll have to manage without me. With my eyes so blurry today, it would be hell at work today - as it is I have difficulty seeing my laptop screen. I have been in the house all week since last Weds and haven't been out to the shops and there's no food in the house cos I haven't felt up to going out.
My thrush is also back (sniffles). A month post surgery yesterday and my thrush returns. I'm using the Manuka Oil which helped last time. It's very uncomfortable and painful. My personal beliefs are in holistic healing and I personally choose not to purchase any conventional medicine from the chemist though understand most folk would. I believe very much in holistic healing.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Monday, July 03, 2006
Getting the rogue stitch out at A&E - Mon 3rd July 06
I had a restless night and probably only slept an hour. Woke at 5ish and got ready to go to Accident & Emergency at the Eye Hospital. It took a while to get my make up on cos I couldn't camouflage the infection on my right cheek plus acne properly and the make up kept caking and it looked awful and obvious just exactly what I was camouflaging. My heart sank when I realised it looked just stupid and I tried to part my hair differently so that the hair would fall over my right cheek and cover the swollen cheek infection and acne - well it works until the wind blows and/or I move my head and/or talk (sighs). There was nothing else I could do.I left work a voicemail and texted one of my bosses and made my way to the station. It cost £7.20 to get a train to London (return) - ouch! The journey was long as the train kept sitting on the tracks and went into Cannon Street; where I had to wait for the Circle Line which took ages to get there; and also kept waiting on the tracks. I eventually go to A&E at the eye hospital at around 11am.
I waited a few mins in the sweltering heat in reception for the man in front of me to get seen and then I spoke to the receptionist. I was really lucky in that Jane Olver's Registrar was at the reception at the same time and overhead my conversation with the receptionist. He introduced himself and said he'd see to me straight away. I was so pleased and felt blessed as I had arrived, prepared to wait for hours before I got seen by anyone and the queue was really long. Everyone looked hot and tired and like they themselves had already waited for hours.
Jane's Registrar was really nice and I told him my plight and how I'd pulled at a stitch I'd found in my upper eyelid crease which was still like an open wound and how it bled a little and wouldn't budge anymore and that I was concerned I may have done some damage etc. He examined me and said I was fine (whew!). He then took his scissors and clippers and snipped away the stitch. I don't think he pulled anything out - and just snipped away what was on the outside. He said the rest was dissolvable and would dissolve on it's own at some point.
When I took my sunglasses and hat off, he immediately recognised the operation I'd had, and said ptosis repair and bleph and I told him he was good :). I did mention the fat transfer though he couldn't see that (I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not - could be good if he thinks my uppers are normally like that though not so good re the lowers(?)). I did say that the lowers hadn't taken and that the lowers had had fat repositioning instead and the right was a bit hollow.
It literally took 5 mins and I was out of there, and I was so pleased and felt really lucky - whew! It was such a hot day and the heat was too much for me. I made my way home, got the right connections and happened to bump into my mothers who was at the post office on the way back from the station.
Anyway I got home and the heat is getting to me. As it is I feel not right inside - I can't quite put my finger on it. Everything changes all the time, just the slightest changes and I eventually took a look at my eye and also the pictures I took this morning. The stitch sticking out of my outer eye looks like a bee sting sticking out (grins) of my eyelid crease. Then I looked at a picture with flash on of both my eyes and (sniffles) that set me back a few steps and I felt really upset and spiralled down again with my heart sinking into the pits of my stomach. With that and my right cheek infection and acne and pus everywhere, it's very depressing and feels just like I'm back at square one even though I know how very far I've come. Life just doesn't feel worth living (I had that flash moment with that feeling and it's an awful feeling) - like heck where does that come from? It's a hopeless desolate feeling that nothing can be done and to accept one's fate of doom and gloom ....
Jane did warn me that after the first 3 weeks, I'd need another 3 weeks to get over the recovery of the first three weeks and that it would be tough. I didn't know what she meant and the first few days after my op I felt fine and like everything was normal and then things spiralled when I got sick from the antibiotics and I think things haven't quite been the same since and I haven't quite recovered and things, like my eyes, change constantly.
It is what it is and I'm riding out the storm - that's all I can do. I hope it ends soon cos I feel sea sick ...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Sunday 2nd July 06
Slept like a baby last nite, being it's my last nite before returning to work full time tomorrow (though I did return this week for one day). The sleep is healing all round though I did wake up and my left outer eye has suffered from a little keratitis and smarts and is sore when I blink (keratitis being inflamation of the cornea).
Rubbing the antibiotics on my incision lines feels sore and smarts each time I do it no matter how gently I try to rub the ointment on. When I massage the lower outer eyelid as Jane suggests I feel the lumps inside - whatever they are - one most likely being stitches inside as it feels the same on the right outer eye, and the other being the lump that's been there for ages. The area just feels very bruised and sensitive when I massage it and I try to do it very gently.
Today just blinking smarts even though my eyes are moist (well they have a few tears right now cos England lost the quarter finals yesterday and I just read the news on them (sniffles).). It was a devastating match to watch the penalty shoot out.
My right cheek infection is healing thankfully though it's still swollen with those two acne cysts on them - looking like a volcano. I need to look presentable tomorrow in case I get called in for the interview I applied for just before I went on holiday to another group. I can't go to an interview with my face looking like quasimodo and I need to be all suited and booted and ready to go and give my best presentation. Oooh dear, just thinking about it, I'm not going to be wearing any eye make up all next week as I'll be still using the antibiotic cream on my eyelids (upper and lower) - ah well - if I do go for an interview, he'll just have to think I'm a simple girl that doesn't wear much make up and/or I'll just tell him I have an eye infection and bring it into the conversation :) - oh geez! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade (smiles).
Last nite as my eyes felt so swollen and sore plus my infection on right cheek, I got out my ice pack and iced my eyes and my right cheek and ooooooooohhhh, it felt soooo wonderful and soothing and especially on my right cheek and it seemed to help with the swelling on my right cheek as well so I'm going to continue icing my eyes and my right cheek today. I didn't think that at almost 4 weeks my eyes would need icing - interesting :). It's wonderful :).
I went to see my mother yesterday to pick up some stuff and asked how my eyes looked. She said they looked swollen, and that she could see the lower eyelid retraction and the right eye hollow. I didn't ask her to go into detail as I think she was taking it all in and just kept looking at my eyes :) - and also no doubt the right cheek infection which I didn't talk to her about cos I didn't want to talk about it - ergh. The cysts on the right cheek infection are incredibly painful.
Nourkrin
I'm past the 5 month mark on using Nourkin, the hair thinning product, and I'm sure it's made a lot of difference as my hair is usually very thin and it's definitely much thicker and has helped my peace of mind with my hair loss on the scalp from the Y-V endo brow lift. My right side incision on scalp has healed in that the hair loss has grown back but the incision on the center and left side of the scalp are still growing; more so on the left side then the center, which is sore to touch still and I can see where the incision are still as they are white with no hair growing properly or if it has, it is only a little and it doesn't have that baby hair growth that my left side incision area has. I tend to keep my hair parted on the right now and not look at the other areas too much. I mean I did look at it a couple of weeks ago and tried to part it on my left (which I've done my whole life) but the hair is still growing and has baby hairs and the hair sticks up straight and won't lie flat (bah) so it's a no go zone for now.
I am considering purchasing the Nourkrin maintenance programme which one has to do for another 6 months after using the Nourkrin grow for 6 months. Though I will not be buying it cheaply from the original place I bought it from, from the internet for £100 cheaper as when the package arrived, most of the boxes were squashed and the contents of the Nourkrin had split open - it was too troublesome to return the whole package to ask for another. All in all about 2-3 packets in total were damaged. That's a lot of money. Damaged in the sense that because they'd been squashed the foil they were covered in, was split open and the air had gotten into the supplement, and it turned a different colour.
My hair is growing long and fast and my fringe has grown about 10cm since my last hair cut and I haven't cut my hair since - I'm fine with it as it is now as it hides my left eye cos it's so long which is a perk. I may take a pix of my fringe covering my left eye next week or so when I feel better ie when the pain is less from my infection etc.
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Update : When I washed my face earlier, I was putting the antibiotical ointment on my eyelids and decided to pluck a few stray eyebrows. I noticed the black line again on one of the open woulds where the upper eyelid stitches were on my left eye and decided to clean it. It turned out to be a stitch and so I eergh, dug it up and pulled it out. Oh dear, it came out some and then wouldn't budge and needed to be cut. My heart was pounding thinking oh shit, what have I done. I cut it in half and pulled again thinking ok it's probably the same as when I pulled out the lower right eye stitches. Wrong! It came out a little and then wouldn't budge. I pulled a little harder and it wouldn't budge. I was too scared to pull anymore as it seemed sewn in to something inside my eyebrow. I felt really scared and decided to call Jane. Thankfully I found her number. She was in France and isn't back till Weds.
I described what had happened and Jane said that she wouldn't recommend stitches be removed by anyone other than someone medically trained and suggested I either go to the nearest eye hospital casualty department or wait for her to return on Weds. I'm not sure if I can wait that long as the stitch is quite long and I'm scared I may have done damage (oh dear). I tried to ring Moorfields Hospital but no one is answering or rather I get a message that they are closed. I think I'll go to the Western Eye Hospital casualty tomorrow and wait for them to see me. And if they can't take care of my eye, then I'll wait to see Jane on Weds.
I told Jane that my eyes have been dry since the stitches came out and they have been suffering from mild keratitis since and gave her a mini update. She was calm as usual (smiles). I'm having a mini heart attack here that I did something wrong ie in pulling the stitches out. Hey I didn't think I'd have stitches in my upper eyelids still!! Oh my! My heart is pounding. I just hope I haven't done anything wrong. I'll need to call in to work tomorrow to tell them I'm going to casualty. Jane said I could wait a few hours - that's fine with me - I'd rather do that than go to work feeling nervous for the next few days.
I could calm down later and change my mind though I think I'd be more comfortable and have peace of mind if a nurse etc looked at my eye / stitch and told me all was ok. I just hope they don't have to open me up or anything cos the stitch seems firmly embedded like it's sewn on to my bone - that's how it felt when I tugged at it. Oh my gawd, what have I done?!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Depressed (Sat 1st July 06)
I'm feeling depressed - more so than normal. I took a video of my eyes yesterday and at certain angles when the light catches my face, because of my right lower eyelid hollow, my face just looks old and skeletal and the swollen right cheekbone from that acne infection doesn't help as it adds to the hollow. And the left eye retraction doesn't help. I just hate looking at myself in the mirror when the light catches the right lower eyelid hollow as I look like I'm 60 years old. It's heartbreaking.
I'm 41 years old, single and how am I supposed to hold my head up high and feel attractive to another man when I feel I look like a 60 year old skeletal person's face? It's depressing. A woman needs to feel attractive - we all do, no matter whether we're single and/or in an existing married relationship.
I don't even know what to think right now. I feel very upset, depressed and disappointed that the lower eyelid fat transfer didn't take place as expected and that Jane instead chose to do the moving of fat around (whatever that's called) and while it seemed to work on the left eye, it got worst on the right lower eyelid as that hollow was never there before and I'm confused as to what went wrong? Is it cos it's early days yet? How can that be if my left lower has been fine from the get go ie straight after the surgery?
I'm hoping once the swelling of the right cheekbone goes down that the right eye lower hollow won't look so bad. While I am happy when I look at my eyes and look at my uppers and like what I see, when the sunlight catches my face and/or the normal light in the house / mirror catches my eyes, my hollows and retraction are not very pleasant to look at. I look like I've aged 20 years.
I wish I could stay at home and heal while my face and eyes heal themselves over the next few weeks/months and just become a hermit but no, I have to face the world and the public next Monday; and lots of them at that as I've got the reiki charity days to sort out, more yoga workshops to organise for the next coming months, people to meet up with and promote etc etc and my face is the first thing they say. How do confident you think I'll feel with my left lower eyelid retraction and right eye hollow? (sniffles).
Fingers crossed that this is only temporary and that the next few days/weeks, something will shift and I'll be able to look a little bit normal ie what that right cheek infection goes down. My heart is very disappointed and sad. (sniffles) and I can't talk to my friends and I get frustrated sometimes cos I have to put on a pretend happy front to them when I'm feeling bruised and sore in my eyes and my infection hurts and I feel ikky inside.
The photos shared on here do not reflect what my eyes and face look like in real life, in 3D and in motion, with the light shining and with the eyes moving around and blinking. The photos only show a still shot of me looking forward. I'd need another person to take a video of my eyes while I'm talking and my eyes are moving around and blinking etc for you to get a true life picture and idea and well that ain't gonna happen as no one knows I've had this done and while I can video myself it's difficult to get the angle that I need to capture the appropriate video to show you guys and I haven't got the time to do all that's necessary.
When I blink or close my eyes, my left eye feels strange and different to my right eye and has done for a while (I think the sensation was there from my last surgery and I'm not sure if it was there before that - it may have been - I can't remember). My left eye feels it takes longer to close and it takes more effort. I did an experiment today and if I hold up my left lower eyelid with my finger and close my eyes, there is no pressure and it feels normal to close my eyes as it doesn't have far to go (this is what Jane said some time ago). Because the lower left eyelid is retracted, it has more of a distance to go to blink and/or close the eyes.
Because of this strange feeling whenever I blink, my left eye just feels weird all the time and like it doesn't belong to me and feels alien. How long will this feeling last? Will it go away if I have my mouth graft?
Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of all the surgeries my eyes have gone through and it's like geez I hope my eyes will heal from this surgery as this one feels different - in that my eyes feel fat and the muscles ache. I can't even remember if my eyes felt this bad after my Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction. Sometimes I think geez I hope I don't have irrepairable damage that can't be fixed as I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life looking like this and/or not able to close my left eye properly for the rest of my life.
I'm 41 years old, single and how am I supposed to hold my head up high and feel attractive to another man when I feel I look like a 60 year old skeletal person's face? It's depressing. A woman needs to feel attractive - we all do, no matter whether we're single and/or in an existing married relationship.
I don't even know what to think right now. I feel very upset, depressed and disappointed that the lower eyelid fat transfer didn't take place as expected and that Jane instead chose to do the moving of fat around (whatever that's called) and while it seemed to work on the left eye, it got worst on the right lower eyelid as that hollow was never there before and I'm confused as to what went wrong? Is it cos it's early days yet? How can that be if my left lower has been fine from the get go ie straight after the surgery?
I'm hoping once the swelling of the right cheekbone goes down that the right eye lower hollow won't look so bad. While I am happy when I look at my eyes and look at my uppers and like what I see, when the sunlight catches my face and/or the normal light in the house / mirror catches my eyes, my hollows and retraction are not very pleasant to look at. I look like I've aged 20 years.
I wish I could stay at home and heal while my face and eyes heal themselves over the next few weeks/months and just become a hermit but no, I have to face the world and the public next Monday; and lots of them at that as I've got the reiki charity days to sort out, more yoga workshops to organise for the next coming months, people to meet up with and promote etc etc and my face is the first thing they say. How do confident you think I'll feel with my left lower eyelid retraction and right eye hollow? (sniffles).
Fingers crossed that this is only temporary and that the next few days/weeks, something will shift and I'll be able to look a little bit normal ie what that right cheek infection goes down. My heart is very disappointed and sad. (sniffles) and I can't talk to my friends and I get frustrated sometimes cos I have to put on a pretend happy front to them when I'm feeling bruised and sore in my eyes and my infection hurts and I feel ikky inside.
The photos shared on here do not reflect what my eyes and face look like in real life, in 3D and in motion, with the light shining and with the eyes moving around and blinking. The photos only show a still shot of me looking forward. I'd need another person to take a video of my eyes while I'm talking and my eyes are moving around and blinking etc for you to get a true life picture and idea and well that ain't gonna happen as no one knows I've had this done and while I can video myself it's difficult to get the angle that I need to capture the appropriate video to show you guys and I haven't got the time to do all that's necessary.
When I blink or close my eyes, my left eye feels strange and different to my right eye and has done for a while (I think the sensation was there from my last surgery and I'm not sure if it was there before that - it may have been - I can't remember). My left eye feels it takes longer to close and it takes more effort. I did an experiment today and if I hold up my left lower eyelid with my finger and close my eyes, there is no pressure and it feels normal to close my eyes as it doesn't have far to go (this is what Jane said some time ago). Because the lower left eyelid is retracted, it has more of a distance to go to blink and/or close the eyes.
Because of this strange feeling whenever I blink, my left eye just feels weird all the time and like it doesn't belong to me and feels alien. How long will this feeling last? Will it go away if I have my mouth graft?
Sometimes I get a little nervous when I think of all the surgeries my eyes have gone through and it's like geez I hope my eyes will heal from this surgery as this one feels different - in that my eyes feel fat and the muscles ache. I can't even remember if my eyes felt this bad after my Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction. Sometimes I think geez I hope I don't have irrepairable damage that can't be fixed as I wouldn't want to go through the rest of my life looking like this and/or not able to close my left eye properly for the rest of my life.
Close up pictures
Sat 1st July 06 - right eye close up (3 weeks 4 days post surgery)There's a lump on the lower lid that is a bit worrying - I hope it's something that goes away. I noticed it being there from when the stitches were removed. Hasn't gone away in a week. The hollow shows better from different angles and when the cheekbone can be seen..
Saturday 1st July 06 - 3 weeks 4 days post surgery Left eye close up.
Saturday 1st July 06 - 3 weeks 4 days post surgery Left eye close up. Cyst on outer upper eyelid is still there a litle bit and you can see the incision line on the lower lid going all the way to outside the eye. There are red incision lines healing on the uppers but you can't see them in the picture cos of the upper crease. The left lower lid retraction looks bad from different angles than looking sraight ahead. I don't have time toe xperiment with taking various shots to show the retraction and difference in eyes. I videoed myelf today and it was upsetting to see the difference as I looked like I had a squint because of the lower lid retraction. I felt disfigured and was in tears inside (my heart broke). But it's nothing new in this journey since the original butcher bleph (sniffles).
Sat 1st July 2006
1am on Saturday 1st July 2006 - wow - it's July already :) Amazing! The whole of June has gone past and it was all taken up and still is, with my eye recovery.
I didn't realise it would take this long. The past 3 days my eyes have felt ikkier than before ie just heavy and bruised on the sides and sore and painful to touch. I have to touch the incisions on top and bottom to use the antibiotical ointment that Jane gave me to use on the incision lines and when I rub the ointment on the lines ever so gently, they ache and are tender as they feel so bruised which surprised me at this stage. Perhaps it's cos my stitches only came out a week ago, ie last Friday. I dunno. I just feel like I've been in recovery with my eyes forever now especially as my vision is so blurry as well and I can't do much at home and am limited in what I can do because of my blurry vision and not being able to bend down too much (arrgh!). It's an emotional rollercoaster ride. Jane did say this to me before surgery; and the weblinks that I found on the steroids I had to take and the antibiotics also did warn that the side effects of the steroids I took (even thou it was only for 4 days) was emotional ie mood swings etc.
I am energy sensitive and feel things more than the normal person especially being a reiki master and a tantrika (working with the body's energies) and I don't drink nor smoke and am very much in tune with my body holistically. This could be why I'm feeling things more and they affect me more. The normal person won't understand much about cathathic methods or healing and it could potentially scare them and/or bring up their own issues. Being in touch with one's emotions is scary work, as is tantra work - it involves going deep within and acknowledging what's inside. That's just a brief insight into catarthic work. A reminder that I'm also a Hoffman Graduate http://www.hoffmaninstitute.com, a lightworker, a Karuna and Usui Reiki Master teacher and practitioner, practice Hatha Yoga, Tantra Kriya Yoga, Chakra Yoga, run reiki and hoffman support groups both at home and other support groups on the net and have done for years. I'm 41 years old and have retired mostly from my new age support groups though have a couple of other ones running low key. I am also a Type 9 on the Enneagram, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com which is the Peacemaker and one whom does not like conflict. A bit of trivia, the Dalai Lama and Keanu Reeves are also a Type 9 on the Enneagram. And I have been a student of metaphysics for almost 20 years, my teachers being Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Siegel, Shakti Gawain, Thich Nhat Han, John Bradshaw, Denise Linn, Wayne Dyer and many many more, and I've taken lots of new age workshops over the years. A bit of my background.
I am a student of life and like to learn from all experiences that happen as we are all student and teacher to each other at any moment. Remember we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The normal human being who hasn't done much healing work on themselves will not understand much of what is said above as they are on their own individual healing journey and are young souls. I'm an old soul with harder lessons. Everything that is happening to me is happening at the right time, space and sequence for me and for all who cross my path. There's a wonderful story to share on this called "I've sent you nothing but angels".
A Children’s Parable
Adapted from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
Once upon no time there was a Little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am!" And God said, "That’s wonderful! Who are you?" And the Little Soul shouted, "I am the light!" God smiled a big smile. "That’s right!" God exclaimed. "You are the light." The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out. "Wow", said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"
But soon knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now it wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not such a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said, "Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?" And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already are?" "Well," replied the Little Soul, "its one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it’s like to be the Light!"
"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again. "Yes, but I want to see what it feels like!" cried the Little Soul. "Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one." Then God’s expression changed. "There’s only one thing…" "What?" asked the Little Soul. "Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there’s nothing that you are not." "Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.
"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you’re there all right. Along with a million, ka-jillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the Sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of it’s candles… and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light – that is the question." Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you’re God. Think of something!" Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we’ll surround you with darkness."
"What is darkness?" the Little Soul asked. God replied, "It is that which you are not." "Will I be afraid in the dark?" cried the Little Soul. "Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending." "Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.
Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It’s a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then." "And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don’t be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and others will know, too. Let your Light so shine that everyone will know how special you are!"
"You mean it’s okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul. "Of course!" God chuckled. "It’s very okay! But remember, ‘special’ does not mean ‘better.’ Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."
"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!" "Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul. "What part of special do you want to be?" "What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don’t understand." "Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"
The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!" "Yes," God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That’s what it means to be the Light."
"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called ‘forgiving.’ Isn’t it special to be forgiving?" "Oh yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That’s very special." "Okay," said the Little Soul. "That’s what I want to be, I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that." "Good," said God, "but there’s one thing you should know."
The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication. "What is it?" the Little Soul sighed. "There is no one to forgive." "No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said. "No one!" God repeated. "Everything I’ve made is perfect. There’s not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you." It was then that the Little Soul realized that a large crowd had gathered. Should had come from far and wide – from all over the Kingdom – for word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying.
Looking at the countless souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect that the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them. "Who, then, to forgive? Asked God. "Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as the One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like." And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad.
But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd. "Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you." "You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?" "Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"
"You can?"
"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."
"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you – who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move throughout the Kingdom with the speed of your thought – to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"
"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."The Little Soul seemed surprised by the answer.
"Don’t be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don’t you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don’t remember.
"We have both been All of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, The Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, The Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad – we have both been the victim and the villain of it." "Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained a little further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the ‘bad one’ this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives."
"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"
"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we’ll think of something."
Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."
"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.
"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favor to ask of you in return."
"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"
Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.
"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"
"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember I have sent you nothing but angels!"
And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul’s request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.
"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possibly imagine – in that very moment…"
"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes…?"
The Friendly Soul became quieter still. "Remember Who I Really Am."
"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"
"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you don’t remember me as I Really Am, I may not be able to remember for a long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."
"No, we won’t!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift – the chance to experience myself as Who I Am."
And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness. And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new souls appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness – and especially if it brought sadness – the Little Soul thought of what God had said.
"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."
I didn't realise it would take this long. The past 3 days my eyes have felt ikkier than before ie just heavy and bruised on the sides and sore and painful to touch. I have to touch the incisions on top and bottom to use the antibiotical ointment that Jane gave me to use on the incision lines and when I rub the ointment on the lines ever so gently, they ache and are tender as they feel so bruised which surprised me at this stage. Perhaps it's cos my stitches only came out a week ago, ie last Friday. I dunno. I just feel like I've been in recovery with my eyes forever now especially as my vision is so blurry as well and I can't do much at home and am limited in what I can do because of my blurry vision and not being able to bend down too much (arrgh!). It's an emotional rollercoaster ride. Jane did say this to me before surgery; and the weblinks that I found on the steroids I had to take and the antibiotics also did warn that the side effects of the steroids I took (even thou it was only for 4 days) was emotional ie mood swings etc.
I am energy sensitive and feel things more than the normal person especially being a reiki master and a tantrika (working with the body's energies) and I don't drink nor smoke and am very much in tune with my body holistically. This could be why I'm feeling things more and they affect me more. The normal person won't understand much about cathathic methods or healing and it could potentially scare them and/or bring up their own issues. Being in touch with one's emotions is scary work, as is tantra work - it involves going deep within and acknowledging what's inside. That's just a brief insight into catarthic work. A reminder that I'm also a Hoffman Graduate http://www.hoffmaninstitute.com, a lightworker, a Karuna and Usui Reiki Master teacher and practitioner, practice Hatha Yoga, Tantra Kriya Yoga, Chakra Yoga, run reiki and hoffman support groups both at home and other support groups on the net and have done for years. I'm 41 years old and have retired mostly from my new age support groups though have a couple of other ones running low key. I am also a Type 9 on the Enneagram, http://www.enneagraminstitute.com which is the Peacemaker and one whom does not like conflict. A bit of trivia, the Dalai Lama and Keanu Reeves are also a Type 9 on the Enneagram. And I have been a student of metaphysics for almost 20 years, my teachers being Louise Hay, Susan Jeffers, Marianne Williamson, Bernie Siegel, Shakti Gawain, Thich Nhat Han, John Bradshaw, Denise Linn, Wayne Dyer and many many more, and I've taken lots of new age workshops over the years. A bit of my background.
I am a student of life and like to learn from all experiences that happen as we are all student and teacher to each other at any moment. Remember we are spiritual beings having a human experience. The normal human being who hasn't done much healing work on themselves will not understand much of what is said above as they are on their own individual healing journey and are young souls. I'm an old soul with harder lessons. Everything that is happening to me is happening at the right time, space and sequence for me and for all who cross my path. There's a wonderful story to share on this called "I've sent you nothing but angels".
A Children’s Parable
Adapted from Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
Once upon no time there was a Little Soul who said to God, "I know who I am!" And God said, "That’s wonderful! Who are you?" And the Little Soul shouted, "I am the light!" God smiled a big smile. "That’s right!" God exclaimed. "You are the light." The Little Soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all souls in the Kingdom were there to figure out. "Wow", said the Little Soul, "this is really cool!"
But soon knowing who it was was not enough. The Little Soul felt stirrings inside, and now it wanted to be who it was. And so the Little Soul went back to God (which is not such a bad idea for all souls who want to be Who They Really Are) and said, "Hi, God! Now that I know Who I am, is it okay for me to be it?" And God said, "You mean you want to be Who You Already are?" "Well," replied the Little Soul, "its one thing to know Who I Am, and another thing altogether to actually be it. I want to feel what it’s like to be the Light!"
"But you already are the Light," God repeated, smiling again. "Yes, but I want to see what it feels like!" cried the Little Soul. "Well," said God with a chuckle, "I suppose I should have known. You always were the adventuresome one." Then God’s expression changed. "There’s only one thing…" "What?" asked the Little Soul. "Well, there is nothing else but the Light. You see, I created nothing but what you are; and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as Who You Are, since there’s nothing that you are not." "Huh?" said the Little Soul, who was now a little confused.
"Think of it this way," said God. "You are like a candle in the Sun. Oh, you’re there all right. Along with a million, ka-jillion other candles who make up the Sun. And the Sun would not be the Sun without you. Nay, it would be a sun without one of it’s candles… and that would not be the Sun at all; for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the Light when you are amidst the Light – that is the question." Well," the Little Soul perked up, "you’re God. Think of something!" Once more God smiled. "I already have," God said. "Since you cannot see yourself as the Light when you are in the Light, we’ll surround you with darkness."
"What is darkness?" the Little Soul asked. God replied, "It is that which you are not." "Will I be afraid in the dark?" cried the Little Soul. "Only if you choose to be," God answered. "There is nothing really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending." "Oh," said the Little Soul, and felt better already.
Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It’s a great gift," God said, "because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then." "And so," God concluded, "when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don’t be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and others will know, too. Let your Light so shine that everyone will know how special you are!"
"You mean it’s okay to let others see how special I am?" asked the Little Soul. "Of course!" God chuckled. "It’s very okay! But remember, ‘special’ does not mean ‘better.’ Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many others have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special."
"Wow," said the Little Soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy. "I can be as special as I want to be!" "Yes, and you can start right now," said God, who was dancing and skipping and laughing right along with the Little Soul. "What part of special do you want to be?" "What part of special?" the Little Soul repeated. "I don’t understand." "Well," God explained, "being the Light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?"
The Little Soul sat quietly for a moment. "I can think of lots of ways to be special!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!" "Yes," God agreed, "and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That’s what it means to be the Light."
"I know what I want to be, I know what I want to be!" the Little Soul announced with great excitement. "I want to be the part of special called ‘forgiving.’ Isn’t it special to be forgiving?" "Oh yes," God assured the Little Soul. "That’s very special." "Okay," said the Little Soul. "That’s what I want to be, I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that." "Good," said God, "but there’s one thing you should know."
The Little Soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seemed as though there were some complication. "What is it?" the Little Soul sighed. "There is no one to forgive." "No one?" The Little Soul could hardly believe what had been said. "No one!" God repeated. "Everything I’ve made is perfect. There’s not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you." It was then that the Little Soul realized that a large crowd had gathered. Should had come from far and wide – from all over the Kingdom – for word had gone forth that the Little Soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying.
Looking at the countless souls gathered there, the Little Soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect that the Little Soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered around and so bright was their Light, that the Little Soul could scarcely gaze upon them. "Who, then, to forgive? Asked God. "Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!" grumbled the Little Soul. "I wanted to experience myself as the One Who Forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like." And the Little Soul learned what it must feel like to be sad.
But just then a Friendly Soul stepped forward from the crowd. "Not to worry, Little Soul," the Friendly Soul said, "I will help you." "You will?" the Little Soul brightened. "But what can you do?" "Why, I can give you someone to forgive!"
"You can?"
"Certainly!" chirped the Friendly Soul. "I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive."
"But why? Why would you do that?" the Little Soul asked. "You who are a Being of such utter perfection! You, who vibrate with such a speed that it creates a Light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you! What could cause you to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright Light would become dark and dense? What could cause you – who are so light that you dance upon the stars and move throughout the Kingdom with the speed of your thought – to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?"
"Simple," the Friendly Soul said. "I would do it because I love you."The Little Soul seemed surprised by the answer.
"Don’t be so amazed," said the Friendly Soul, "you have done the same thing for me. Don’t you remember? Oh, we have danced together, you and I, many times. Through the eons and across all the ages have we danced. Across all time and in many places have we played together. You just don’t remember.
"We have both been All of It. We have been the Up and the Down of it, The Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it, The Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad – we have both been the victim and the villain of it." "Thus have we come together, you and I, many times before; each bringing the other the exact and perfect opportunity to Express and to Experience Who We Really Are. And so," the Friendly Soul explained a little further, "I will come into your next lifetime and be the ‘bad one’ this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the One Who Forgives."
"But what will you do?" the Little Soul asked, just a little nervously, "that will be so terrible?"
"Oh," replied the Friendly Soul with a twinkle, "we’ll think of something."
Then the Friendly Soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, "You are right about one thing, you know."
"What is that?" the Little Soul wanted to know.
"I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this not-so-nice thing. I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have but one favor to ask of you in return."
"Oh, anything, anything!" cried the Little Soul, and began to dance and sing, "I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!"
Then the Little Soul saw that the Friendly Soul was remaining very quiet.
"What is it?" the Little Soul asked. "What can I do for you? You are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!"
"Of course this Friendly Soul is an angel!" God interrupted. "Everyone is! Always remember I have sent you nothing but angels!"
And so the Little Soul wanted more than ever to grant the Friendly Soul’s request. "What can I do for you?" the Little Soul asked again.
"In the moment that I strike you and smite you," the Friendly Soul replied, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could possibly imagine – in that very moment…"
"Yes?" the Little Soul interrupted, "yes…?"
The Friendly Soul became quieter still. "Remember Who I Really Am."
"Oh, I will!" cried the Little Soul, I promise! I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!"
"Good," said the Friendly Soul, "because, you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you don’t remember me as I Really Am, I may not be able to remember for a long time. And if I forget Who I Am, you may even forget Who You Are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of Who We Are."
"No, we won’t!" the Little Soul promised again. "I will remember you! And I will thank you for bringing me this gift – the chance to experience myself as Who I Am."
And so, the agreement was made. And the Little Soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the Light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called Forgiveness. And the Little Soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as Forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new souls appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness – and especially if it brought sadness – the Little Soul thought of what God had said.
"Always remember," God had smiled, "I have sent you nothing but angels."
Friday, June 30, 2006
3 weeks 4 days post op : Fri 30 June 06
Off sick today still - the two cysts on the side of my right cheek turned into some kind of infection and the whole of my right cheek has swollen up with two lumps on it - and it looks gross and hurts like crazy. Like I really need this on top of what is going on with my eyes.Even thou I use Lacrilube, my eyes feel dry at night when I'm sleeping as I can feel my eyelids open ie not shut and any movement to blink is in slow motion and when I wake up, my vision is blurry for ages afterwards (could be the Lacrilube). I keep forgetting to use my steristrips to life my left lower retraction.
What I share in my blog is catharthic and healing for me and any and all emotions and thoughts are shared - that's what's so catharthic about it in that for me it is my own personal individual safe space to share anything and is a normal part of the healing process, from anger, tears, frustration, worry, hurt and laughter. The emotion is felt, expressed, released and healed and if not, the process is repeated as often as is needed to heal and catharthise. Emotions bottled in and supressed is unhealthy and eventually eats away at you inside and eventually comes out in the form of diseases eg cancer.
I feel ikky today and have done the past few days eye wise as they feel swollen and throb and at that itchy phase where I just want to rub my eyes; and they feel fat inside (grins). My vision is also affected and it's been almost a month now that I haven't worked out! Mostly mainly cos I needed to sort the house out as cos I work long hours paperwork just got piled up for ages in corners and now I've managed to have some sort of system though have a way to go yet. I need to get going on this though it's finding the motivation as my eyesight is so blurry it's difficult to do much as it's frustrating seeing everything blurred and glasses doh't help - ergh.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Left lower eyelid
Pix taken Thurs 27 June 06 - 3 weeks 3 days post opThose dark lines on my lowers are the incision lines and there's a small bump on the lower right eyelid and you can see the left lower lump a bit more in this pix on the lower left eyelid and strangely both lowers look hollow in this pix, more so though in the right than left (probably cos the left lump makes it look hollow(?)
I have started massaging my left lower outer eyelid, where the lump and lower left eyelid retraction is and ooooiiieee, it's all lumpy and bumpy inside whereas there are no lumps and bumps and excess skin on my right lower (I wonder if Jane took out more skin on my right lower which is why there is no excess skin there and there is on my left lower?). These are all questions I must remember to write down and ask Jane when I see her next.
Each day is different and some days I'm upset about my right lower hollow and some days I'm too busy to be upset or even look and/or upset about the two cystic acne on my right cheek which now has seemingly turned into an infection and my whole right cheek is swollen (I look like a chipmunk) with two cysts sticking out ... it looks horrible and is very soul destroying and I'm hiding at home until it heals and hopefully it will by Monday when I'll have no choice but to return to work.
When I do return to work on Monday, because I've said I've keratitis / eye infection etc, everyone will be focusing on my eyes and asking how I am as they always do and I wish I could be invisible sometimes at work though as one banker said this week, I'm like the engine room where everything takes place and works in the team, and everyone comes to me when they need anything and when I was gone, everyone and everything was put on hold until I came back and everyone was so relieved to have me back. One of the bankers (Director) shrieked my name when she saw me sitting at my desk at 8am in the morning on my first day back! When I'm trying to keep a low profile cos of my eyes and how they feel ie swollen and throbbing, having to look up (as I'm sitting down) at people standing up talking to me is hard word, especially looking up at bright lights and thinking inside my head, "Oh dear, I wonder if they can see my scars or can they notice that I've had eye surgery etc etc", though it's not as bad as when I had to go back to work in December after my brow lift when I was wearing the wig ... oh dear - that was probably the worst ever experience of my life!!
So the engine room is where I work in the office as a secretary, where everything happens (smiles) and everything is on hold while I am away and I reminded the bankers to be appreciative of me in light of the fact they missed me so much thou most of the younger bankers do, it's just my top banker, ie a managing director and group head, tends to take me for granted and expect 200% when I give 150% - and my 10 hour days are just not enough for him - he expects 12 hour days and more! Bah! With him, I feel like a wife who's done hard work all day at home with the kids and he strolls in after his hard day at work, sees a little clutter on the floor and demands to know what his wife has been doing all day cos her work can't be as hard compared to his! Arrrghhh!! (grins).
Still off sick
Thursday 29th June and I'm still off sick today. My eyes are throbbing and vision is blurry. I wake in the middle of the night and I can sense that my eyes are open when I'm sleeping - it's a weird feeling as it all happens in slow motion ie I wake up to semi consciousness and then notice the sensation that my eyelids are open and when I get to full consciousness, my eyelids start to move in an attempt to blink and at times it's hard to blink cos of the surgery ie my reactions are slow and my eyelid muscles are heavy for whatever reason it is.
I started to massage my left outer lower eye area yesterday as instructed by Jane and it aches and is sore. Both my eyes are sore to touch - the blurry vision is tough to deal with and I hope it's only temporary. Reading Dr Meronk's site on fat transfers it's probably cos of the eyeballs not being able to move properly cos of the fat in the uppers and whatever was moved in the lowers. I am intrigued as to how it'll all change over the next few days and weeks.
The acne on my face is sore to touch and really painful but getting better. I'm not sure if I'll make it in to work tomorrow and feeling really guilty about that but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason and all is happening at the right time, space and sequence.
I promised Jane's sec months ago that I'd send her before and after pics of my eyes and as yet haven't had time to do so. It's on my to do list.
Spent some time on the net yesterday doing some research on yoga and managed to find some DVDs that will help my own individual practice at home which will help with my work stress and other stress in life on a daily basis, and I was glad to find that which I did. I also spoke to my original yoga teacher in the UK about some confusions I had about certain things and last weekend's workshop with the other teacher and was happy with his helpful responses and I feel much better. Things are moving along there as I'm also in touch with another yoga teacher in the US talking about her coming to the UK to do a similar workshop. There's obviously much more detail which I won't go into - general gist is that things are resolving themselves and the feedbackI'm getting is that the yoga teacher who came to teach us last weekend's energy has affected a lot of other people who've walked away from her too (so that makes me feel I'm not alone - whew!).
Didn't take any pictures yesterday - didn't feel up to it and not sure if I'll take any today. I haven't even videod my eyes to monitor the movement and progress etc in the past few days - just not feeling up to it.
Emotions are on a rollercoaster though not as much as when I first got back from surgery - thinking back then when I was on the medication, my emotions were sky high and I got upset very easily. I still do in that I tear up at the drop of a hat when watching tv - sometimes I think my body has just been through so much trauma over the past 18 months with all the surgeries I've had and it's still recovering from the Y-V brow lift of 6 months ago and I'm already putting it through another trauma of my latest surgery and my body needs nurturing.
I started to massage my left outer lower eye area yesterday as instructed by Jane and it aches and is sore. Both my eyes are sore to touch - the blurry vision is tough to deal with and I hope it's only temporary. Reading Dr Meronk's site on fat transfers it's probably cos of the eyeballs not being able to move properly cos of the fat in the uppers and whatever was moved in the lowers. I am intrigued as to how it'll all change over the next few days and weeks.
The acne on my face is sore to touch and really painful but getting better. I'm not sure if I'll make it in to work tomorrow and feeling really guilty about that but it is what it is. Everything happens for a reason and all is happening at the right time, space and sequence.
I promised Jane's sec months ago that I'd send her before and after pics of my eyes and as yet haven't had time to do so. It's on my to do list.
Spent some time on the net yesterday doing some research on yoga and managed to find some DVDs that will help my own individual practice at home which will help with my work stress and other stress in life on a daily basis, and I was glad to find that which I did. I also spoke to my original yoga teacher in the UK about some confusions I had about certain things and last weekend's workshop with the other teacher and was happy with his helpful responses and I feel much better. Things are moving along there as I'm also in touch with another yoga teacher in the US talking about her coming to the UK to do a similar workshop. There's obviously much more detail which I won't go into - general gist is that things are resolving themselves and the feedbackI'm getting is that the yoga teacher who came to teach us last weekend's energy has affected a lot of other people who've walked away from her too (so that makes me feel I'm not alone - whew!).
Didn't take any pictures yesterday - didn't feel up to it and not sure if I'll take any today. I haven't even videod my eyes to monitor the movement and progress etc in the past few days - just not feeling up to it.
Emotions are on a rollercoaster though not as much as when I first got back from surgery - thinking back then when I was on the medication, my emotions were sky high and I got upset very easily. I still do in that I tear up at the drop of a hat when watching tv - sometimes I think my body has just been through so much trauma over the past 18 months with all the surgeries I've had and it's still recovering from the Y-V brow lift of 6 months ago and I'm already putting it through another trauma of my latest surgery and my body needs nurturing.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
The hollowed eyelid, fat transfer and repositioning
Here are some of the links from Dr Meronk's site on the hollowed eyelid:
http://www.drmeronk.com/hollow-eyelid-fat.html
My left lower eyelid hollow looks like the pic of the man with orbital rim hollowness as my cheekbone stands out a lot on the right lower eyelid and this happens to darn well be where my cyst is (screams)
http://www.drmeronk.com/hollowed/hollow-eyelid-cheek.html
and on Fat Transfer and repositioning:
http://www.drmeronk.com/insidersguide/20.html
It is very helpful for me to read links above on the subject relating to what I'm going through as none of this is brought up with Jane nor has she summarised what she is going to do - it all goes on in her mind as to what is needed to be achieved and she goes ahead and does it and I haven't had a discussion before or after which I personally expect to be the standard of any surgeon. I know there's the question of lack of time but surely a surgeon can't expect a patient to just know these things. It's like I have to do a lot of homework and know my stuff and only then if I have hard core questions (like I did with my Y-V browlift) can I discuss the subject with Jane as otherwise she doesn't take the time out to discuss details in depth. I'm sure all this is just due to lack of time though I feel disappointed by it as a brief summary and/or talk would ease my mind so much in knowing what's going on with me and my eyes. Peace of mind is all I ask for and patient/doctor communication.
The only time Jane ever really spent with me in depth with questions was when she had the doctor in her office studying with her. Why can't she be like that all the time? (sniffles).
Here's another link on Dr Coleman ... I wonder if this is the Coleman Fat Transfer though there's a trademark name to it now called Dr Coleman Lipostructure®
http://www.lipostructure.com/about_lipostructure.html
There are also some before and after photos links there. I wonder if I had to have another coleman fat transfer to my lower eyelid(s) whether I could ask Jane at the same time to transfer some of the fat to my jowl areas and lips :). Seems a shame to waste all that fat.
http://www.drmeronk.com/hollow-eyelid-fat.html
My left lower eyelid hollow looks like the pic of the man with orbital rim hollowness as my cheekbone stands out a lot on the right lower eyelid and this happens to darn well be where my cyst is (screams)
http://www.drmeronk.com/hollowed/hollow-eyelid-cheek.html
and on Fat Transfer and repositioning:
http://www.drmeronk.com/insidersguide/20.html
It is very helpful for me to read links above on the subject relating to what I'm going through as none of this is brought up with Jane nor has she summarised what she is going to do - it all goes on in her mind as to what is needed to be achieved and she goes ahead and does it and I haven't had a discussion before or after which I personally expect to be the standard of any surgeon. I know there's the question of lack of time but surely a surgeon can't expect a patient to just know these things. It's like I have to do a lot of homework and know my stuff and only then if I have hard core questions (like I did with my Y-V browlift) can I discuss the subject with Jane as otherwise she doesn't take the time out to discuss details in depth. I'm sure all this is just due to lack of time though I feel disappointed by it as a brief summary and/or talk would ease my mind so much in knowing what's going on with me and my eyes. Peace of mind is all I ask for and patient/doctor communication.
The only time Jane ever really spent with me in depth with questions was when she had the doctor in her office studying with her. Why can't she be like that all the time? (sniffles).
Here's another link on Dr Coleman ... I wonder if this is the Coleman Fat Transfer though there's a trademark name to it now called Dr Coleman Lipostructure®
http://www.lipostructure.com/about_lipostructure.html
There are also some before and after photos links there. I wonder if I had to have another coleman fat transfer to my lower eyelid(s) whether I could ask Jane at the same time to transfer some of the fat to my jowl areas and lips :). Seems a shame to waste all that fat.
1st day back at work (Tues 27 June 06)
Yesterday, Tuesday 27th June 06 was my first day back at work and I got in for 7.30am. I was nervous as I got ready for the day and used a litle camouflage on my scars for the first time in 3 weeks though I managed to camouflage them amply. Sadly I also had a small acne on the right side of my cheek which is as obvious as anything and stands out a lot and today, Weds 28th June, I called in sick as I can't face people starting at my zit which a lot of them were yesterday - good thing is it took their attention away from my eyes, though this morning I couldn't take looking at the cyst which makes my cheekbones look huge as the cyst is huge (and sorrie no, I won't be taking a pic of the cyst - ergh). (sighs). I have cystic ovaries and occasionally get these cysts though the one I had 5 days after my op on my upper inside eyelid - I'm not sure if that's related to the fat transfer or my cystic ovaries though reading what Dr Meronk said on his site re cysts and fat transfers it's probably due to that cos I was on antibiotics and when you're on antibiotics you don't just suddenly get cysts.
Anyway back to yesterday ..... so many people in my group came up to me excited to see me back - geez - you'd think I had been away for 3 months! While it was flattering I was intrigued as to what happened while I was away for them to miss my presence. I'm sure it doesn't show a good sign today that I haven't turned up and left a message that I have an eye infection - it'll only make them ask questions about my eyes tomorrow when I go in (if I do tomorrow) and they'll focus on my eyes (sighs).
Everyone was asking what I did and what I got up to and where I went and I relayed the story of the yoga workshop and that satisfied most; though one of my bosses, ie the cute one - TA, kept looking at me as he always does and asked how my eyes were. He always scrutinises me and I feel so transparent in front of him and that he sees through me. I just said fine though went into the Holmes Adie Syndrome ie re my vision and said that due to the syndrome my vision varies in that sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not due to the nature of it as my pupils change all the time and it will always be like that and there is no cure, which is true. I'm not sure if that satisfied him but he left me alone.
I didn't have any eye make up on and must have looked different to everyone anyway re my eyes and I'm not sure how obvious the scarring was on my outer eyes which I had camouflaged with make up.
The whole day went ok and I survived a 10 hour day; though today when I woke up and put my make up on, I just couldn't take the look of the cyst and it really bothered me and I couldn't face going into work, so I called in sick reluctantly, and am using as many tricks up my sleeve as I know to get help my cyst heal including tea tree, and other acne treatments I have at home. It's working some as it's gone down half the size and hopefully will be reduced enough to go into work tomorrow without it being as huge as it is today.
Looking in the mirror today, more changes as I noticed my left lower lump showing up underneath the camouflage of the make up ie the make up cakes where the lump is and higlights the lump kinda like snow and the bump of the lump protrudes out (sighs). It's not something that would show up in a photo and I'm sick and tired of taking photos of my eyes. I feel like Alistair Griffith in Fame Academy when he once said to the guys who were helping him learn his songs and fine tune his voice, that he was sick of singing the same song over and over and over again and that it took away the joy of singing cos he had to practice it so much. Meaning I'm tired of taking so many pictures and journalling my eyes sometimes as it all gets a bit too much; though having said that it's something I need to do as I also need to focus on the good parts that come out of it ie noticing how far I've come in my healing journey and the progress my eyes are making. It's just the tough parts are hard to deal with and I just want to get on with my life and I can't.
Back to work means back to the hustle and bustle of the grindstone again and all that comes with it ie the mundane plod to and from work, the being taken for granted, the lack of job satisfaction, the stress and all else (sighs) and the office politics. I'll cherish each moment today that I've got away from the office. Everyone said how lucky I was to be away from the office for 3 weeks even though the yoga workshop didn't go well cos it just meant I was away from the stress of the work environment - how right they are ... I guess everyone else feels it too. If only we could all do what we loved to do for a living and get paid well for it ...
Anyway back to yesterday ..... so many people in my group came up to me excited to see me back - geez - you'd think I had been away for 3 months! While it was flattering I was intrigued as to what happened while I was away for them to miss my presence. I'm sure it doesn't show a good sign today that I haven't turned up and left a message that I have an eye infection - it'll only make them ask questions about my eyes tomorrow when I go in (if I do tomorrow) and they'll focus on my eyes (sighs).
Everyone was asking what I did and what I got up to and where I went and I relayed the story of the yoga workshop and that satisfied most; though one of my bosses, ie the cute one - TA, kept looking at me as he always does and asked how my eyes were. He always scrutinises me and I feel so transparent in front of him and that he sees through me. I just said fine though went into the Holmes Adie Syndrome ie re my vision and said that due to the syndrome my vision varies in that sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not due to the nature of it as my pupils change all the time and it will always be like that and there is no cure, which is true. I'm not sure if that satisfied him but he left me alone.
I didn't have any eye make up on and must have looked different to everyone anyway re my eyes and I'm not sure how obvious the scarring was on my outer eyes which I had camouflaged with make up.
The whole day went ok and I survived a 10 hour day; though today when I woke up and put my make up on, I just couldn't take the look of the cyst and it really bothered me and I couldn't face going into work, so I called in sick reluctantly, and am using as many tricks up my sleeve as I know to get help my cyst heal including tea tree, and other acne treatments I have at home. It's working some as it's gone down half the size and hopefully will be reduced enough to go into work tomorrow without it being as huge as it is today.
Looking in the mirror today, more changes as I noticed my left lower lump showing up underneath the camouflage of the make up ie the make up cakes where the lump is and higlights the lump kinda like snow and the bump of the lump protrudes out (sighs). It's not something that would show up in a photo and I'm sick and tired of taking photos of my eyes. I feel like Alistair Griffith in Fame Academy when he once said to the guys who were helping him learn his songs and fine tune his voice, that he was sick of singing the same song over and over and over again and that it took away the joy of singing cos he had to practice it so much. Meaning I'm tired of taking so many pictures and journalling my eyes sometimes as it all gets a bit too much; though having said that it's something I need to do as I also need to focus on the good parts that come out of it ie noticing how far I've come in my healing journey and the progress my eyes are making. It's just the tough parts are hard to deal with and I just want to get on with my life and I can't.
Back to work means back to the hustle and bustle of the grindstone again and all that comes with it ie the mundane plod to and from work, the being taken for granted, the lack of job satisfaction, the stress and all else (sighs) and the office politics. I'll cherish each moment today that I've got away from the office. Everyone said how lucky I was to be away from the office for 3 weeks even though the yoga workshop didn't go well cos it just meant I was away from the stress of the work environment - how right they are ... I guess everyone else feels it too. If only we could all do what we loved to do for a living and get paid well for it ...
Monday, June 26, 2006
Tomorrow, 1st day back at work will be interesting
Tomorrow, my first day back at work in 3 weeks, is certainly going to be interesting. Because my upper eyelids feel so heavy and my eyes feel *weird* so to speak, I feel that everyone looking at me can notice it; though I'm sure they can't or don't. I haven't even shown my mother my eyes and asked her about it since my stitches were out as I haven't really seen her or rather we went to the movies together but I had my sunglasses on.
I wonder how many people, if at all will comment at work tomorrow that I look different. I won't have any eye make up on so that'll make me look different in itself and I'm not planning on much make up - only a bit of powder and sunscreen (tinted) and perhaps if I dare, some camouflage on the scars on my eyes (lowers and uppers).
I wonder how my eyes will change over the coming weeks and months. My vision is really poor and blurry and worst than usual and sometimes even using my glasses don't help. I wonder how it'll be when I'm on the computer for 10 hours a day at work.
While I like my uppers, I must say that I still feel upset when I look in the mirror and see the lower left eyelid droop - my heart just sinks and cries inside - especially to see the right lower eyelid hollow. I'm just so tired of this journey of reconstruction. At times I wonder why did I start all of this .... (sniffles) - if only I knew the journey ahead.
The front of my scalp where the Y-V incisions were occasionally still hurt and itch. The sides where the incision were don't ache or itch and it's only the front of the scalp that hurts and itches and hasn't grown back yet - I wonder if the front ever will. It's been 6 months now and the front of the head incision lines for the brow lift are still healing hair wise. I can still feel the indentations.
I look at Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves on screen and they are exactly the same age as me and look at them, who haven't had plastic surgery at all and how great they look, though Keanu seems to have loose skin on his upper eyelids. Will he resort to plastic surgery at some point and/or do they both use botox? Makes you wonder considering their foreheads are so smooth :) or do they use cosmetic products to help them look young and fresh looking?
I wonder how many people, if at all will comment at work tomorrow that I look different. I won't have any eye make up on so that'll make me look different in itself and I'm not planning on much make up - only a bit of powder and sunscreen (tinted) and perhaps if I dare, some camouflage on the scars on my eyes (lowers and uppers).
I wonder how my eyes will change over the coming weeks and months. My vision is really poor and blurry and worst than usual and sometimes even using my glasses don't help. I wonder how it'll be when I'm on the computer for 10 hours a day at work.
While I like my uppers, I must say that I still feel upset when I look in the mirror and see the lower left eyelid droop - my heart just sinks and cries inside - especially to see the right lower eyelid hollow. I'm just so tired of this journey of reconstruction. At times I wonder why did I start all of this .... (sniffles) - if only I knew the journey ahead.
The front of my scalp where the Y-V incisions were occasionally still hurt and itch. The sides where the incision were don't ache or itch and it's only the front of the scalp that hurts and itches and hasn't grown back yet - I wonder if the front ever will. It's been 6 months now and the front of the head incision lines for the brow lift are still healing hair wise. I can still feel the indentations.
I look at Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves on screen and they are exactly the same age as me and look at them, who haven't had plastic surgery at all and how great they look, though Keanu seems to have loose skin on his upper eyelids. Will he resort to plastic surgery at some point and/or do they both use botox? Makes you wonder considering their foreheads are so smooth :) or do they use cosmetic products to help them look young and fresh looking?
Surgeons are not miracle workers
I was reading up on Dr Meronk's site http://www.drmeronk.com on lower eyelid hollows and also some of the posts on Make Me Heal and reaffirmed what I already knew, but had gone to the back of my mind temporarily, was that surgeons are not miracle workers and can only do what they do.
Jane said something to this effect when I saw her on Friday to have my stitches out. I think she was trying to distract me from the pain of the stitches being removed from my right eye by talking (though I can't be sure) and at one point I was starting to tell her that Carol (SarahAnn from MMH) was possibly waiting to see the outcome of my lower eyelid retraction with Jane before she considered making an appt with her; though before I could finish the sentence and had just said "waiting to see the outcome of the lower eyelid retraction" ... when Jane interrupted and said that that put a lot of pressure on her and something along the lines that she couldn't promise to fix what the other surgeon did and could only do what she does. I wasn't quite sure what to make of what she said and it did bother me a little as she didn't expand on it nor invite further conversation on it and it kinda ended there. Till now, that is, and reading Dr Meronk's site, about the difficulties of lower eyelid retraction and lower eyelid hollows and seeing some before and after pictures.
I guess I just expect Jane Olver, as the qualified surgeon / opthamalogist / oculoplastic surgeon, to do all the talking and reassuring and advising me as I know nothing about all this; unless I read up on it; and she hasn't been saying very much - I think Carol calls it "bedside manner"(?).
Also what bothered me about my right lower eyelid hollow was that Jane has a keen and sharp eye and yet she didn't mention it at all on Friday and I'm sure I mentioned it in my original email to her. I don't mind the fact that she did what she did and it didn't take or whatever - it just would have been nice to have talked about it and had it all validated and/or perhaps reassured that things could change and settle down and/or acknowledged that there was a right eye hollow there. I guess that's perhaps what I'm angry at ... I'm still trying to figure it out inside. Or maybe as Jane is *absent minded* like an absent minded professor, she genuinely forgot about it .... possibly that and as I'm emotionally charged about it, I feel upset about it all as I feel invalidated.
Once more, I am happy with the outcome of this surgery in that it is about 80-90% successful and I am happy with my upper fat transfer so far (though not sure about the ptosis repair / upper eyelash repair yet as it's early days) and it's still early days to figure out about my lower eyelid skin removal - ie did Jane remove too much skin from my right lower for it to look hollow(?) .... lots of questions ... I must write them down and ask her them when I see her in 6 weeks time.
A reminder again that Surgeons are not miracle workers and can only do what they do and sometimes they don't get it right the first time. Jane mentioned this at my very first consult. I cringe at the thought of how much all this surgery has cost me so far including consultation costs ... it definitely goes into 6 figures already and that's in pounds sterling. I'm just a humble single secretary and not some rich woman who lives in the West End with a wealthy husband.
Jane said something to this effect when I saw her on Friday to have my stitches out. I think she was trying to distract me from the pain of the stitches being removed from my right eye by talking (though I can't be sure) and at one point I was starting to tell her that Carol (SarahAnn from MMH) was possibly waiting to see the outcome of my lower eyelid retraction with Jane before she considered making an appt with her; though before I could finish the sentence and had just said "waiting to see the outcome of the lower eyelid retraction" ... when Jane interrupted and said that that put a lot of pressure on her and something along the lines that she couldn't promise to fix what the other surgeon did and could only do what she does. I wasn't quite sure what to make of what she said and it did bother me a little as she didn't expand on it nor invite further conversation on it and it kinda ended there. Till now, that is, and reading Dr Meronk's site, about the difficulties of lower eyelid retraction and lower eyelid hollows and seeing some before and after pictures.
I guess I just expect Jane Olver, as the qualified surgeon / opthamalogist / oculoplastic surgeon, to do all the talking and reassuring and advising me as I know nothing about all this; unless I read up on it; and she hasn't been saying very much - I think Carol calls it "bedside manner"(?).
Also what bothered me about my right lower eyelid hollow was that Jane has a keen and sharp eye and yet she didn't mention it at all on Friday and I'm sure I mentioned it in my original email to her. I don't mind the fact that she did what she did and it didn't take or whatever - it just would have been nice to have talked about it and had it all validated and/or perhaps reassured that things could change and settle down and/or acknowledged that there was a right eye hollow there. I guess that's perhaps what I'm angry at ... I'm still trying to figure it out inside. Or maybe as Jane is *absent minded* like an absent minded professor, she genuinely forgot about it .... possibly that and as I'm emotionally charged about it, I feel upset about it all as I feel invalidated.
Once more, I am happy with the outcome of this surgery in that it is about 80-90% successful and I am happy with my upper fat transfer so far (though not sure about the ptosis repair / upper eyelash repair yet as it's early days) and it's still early days to figure out about my lower eyelid skin removal - ie did Jane remove too much skin from my right lower for it to look hollow(?) .... lots of questions ... I must write them down and ask her them when I see her in 6 weeks time.
A reminder again that Surgeons are not miracle workers and can only do what they do and sometimes they don't get it right the first time. Jane mentioned this at my very first consult. I cringe at the thought of how much all this surgery has cost me so far including consultation costs ... it definitely goes into 6 figures already and that's in pounds sterling. I'm just a humble single secretary and not some rich woman who lives in the West End with a wealthy husband.
Monday 26 June 06 : 3 weeks post op
Monday 26 June 06 : 3 weeks post surgeryUppers looking good re the fat transfer, lower eyelids still sore from incisions and stitch removal - some lumps and bumps here and there, left lower lump isn't' showing as much and droop varies from day to day - Jane suggested I start massaging today, and right lower eyelid is hollow - it's hard to show in photos though those that suffer from lower eyelid hollows will see straight away what I mean
My eyesight is so blurry these days and worst than usual. It's most likely a side effect of the operation and my obicularis being worked on (for use of a word). It's worst in my left eye than my right and I keep blinking and hoping the vision will improve but it doesn't.
Today is my last day off before I return to work tomorrow. On Sat morning when I woke up in pain from the mild kerasis all night, I felt I might need to take this week off but my eyes are much better now cos I'm using Lacrilube and the incisions where the stitches were removed don't hurt as much as they did over the weekend and oh boy did they hurt and throb and being at the yoga workshop didn't help much as any movement I did - even if just to bend over and massage someone and my eyes would throb and sting (where the incisions were) and all I wanted to do was rub them but I obviously can't.
The red lines where the incisions are on the lower eyelids are healing by the day thankfully though there are some red and bumpy spots here and there which I hope go down and heal at some point and disappear.
The left lower eyelid droop varies in droop from day to day and hour to hour sometimes looking worse and sometimes looking not so bad but never where it should be. It is noticeable though I havent' asked my mom yet whether she can see it or anyone else as only my best friend has seen me over the weekend who knows what's going on. No one else knows and that's the way I intend to keep it friends and family wise as I'm emotionally exhausted of talking to people about my eye surgeries and the judgement that comes with it.
At the yoga workshop some knew as I had to tell them I was getting my stitches out and oen couple asked why I needed any eye operation and I was like ... geez I'm not going into all that stuff as it's like sharing a life story so I just said I had eye complications and that it was a long story and they accepted that.
My right lower eyelid hollow still bothers me as it's stands out so much to my left lower eyelid which looks filled in (but then again my left lower also looks too fatty when I smile compared to my right lower - they both still need work on) though I'm learning to deal with it and not feel so angry about it - I just can't understand how it could have happened, unless it's common for a surgeon to try and move existing fat around and after surgery it's not any different(?).
I decided not to email Jane yet at this point as there's not much she can do. I thought of mentioning that I found 3 stitches that had been missed on Friday and removed them myself with tweezers and a magnifying mirror but thought well maybe that happens occasionally and it's not a biggie(?). I was in so much pain and discomfort on Friday it was crazy!
Even now my eyes still feel brusied and sore and I could use another week off work instead of going back to my 10 hour - 11 hour days but well it's too political if I take time off and they'll suspect that I had an operation if I did ask for time off sick so I have to go back to work tomorrow and pretend that I have been on my yoga workshops for the past 3 weeks on and off; though I don't need to pretend there cos I did go to one yoga workshop.
My next appt with Jane is on the 2nd August, which is in 6 weeks time. I believe it's a Wednesday.
There's about 80-90% success in the surgery (to date) and I am happy with that though because the right lower eyelid hollow stands out so much as it's in such contrast to the left lower eyelid - it bothers me as I'm going to have to live with it for the next few months and each time I see my eyes in the mirror, my gaze will go there and it'll upset me cos it just stands out a mile and is not something that can be dismissed so easily and it pulls a knot in my stomach each time I see it and I just want to cry. To me, it's horrible and it looks skeletal; and I am hoping maybe perhaps by some miracle, it'll fill in? though I doubt it. The left lower droop also bothers me but not as much as it's not as bad as before and has improved a lot - about 80% and I can live with that as long as it doesn't drop anymore. Time will tell over the next few weeks what happens in my recovery - ie as to how much fat I retain in my uppers and whether my lowers change and whether the left lower outer lump returns and whether the left lower droop goes any further or higher.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Friday 23 June : Day 18 post op (stitches out)
Friday 23 June 06 - Day 18 post op: Stitches out : Am feeling upset about right lower eyelid hollow more so than the left lower eyelid retraction as the right lower eyelid hollow is very noticeable. Have gooey ointment on eyes that Jane rubbed on. 
Fri 9 June 06 - Day 5 post op: Pix for comparison purposes re lower eyelid hollows
Mon 5 June 06 - pix taken just before surgery: For comparison purposesWent to see Jane Olver today to finally get my stitches removed. She was running late but that was fine as I read a book (as best I could with my dark sunglasses on).
When it came to my turn to see Jane, she took down a few notes though didn't seem interested in my vomiting episode; only my eyes and if any thing drastic had happened, which apart from the differences in eyes trying to stay closed, there hasn't been anything drastic in the physical sense (apart from the vomiting, the red rashes on arms and legs, the swollen eyes etc)! :)
Jane put some eye drops in my eyes - it could have been a mild form of anaesthethic - I'm not sure though at the time I wondered if it was and whether I'd be able to drive back home again when I picked my car up from the station.
The whole stitch removal process took about half an hour and it was extremely uncomfortable and painful. My eye muscles and eyelids felt very bruised, tender and sore, like they were still recovering from being cut - and they smart. Cutting the stitches felt painful in itself and they felt hot and stung. Jane had to wipe off the dried blood which I couldn't remove cos they were attached to the stitches and whenever I tried to pull the blood off it would pull on the stitch and cos excruciating pain. When Jane wiped the blood off, it seemed to take forever and she had to use a little force to get them off and it took a few attempts and it was painful to say the least.
Removing the stitches seemed to take forever per eye as there was always some other stitch that she'd missed and it was both the top and bottom and for the bottom stitches I had to keep my eyes open and it was just horrible and painful.
Then it was time for the right eye stitches to be removed and all that pain all over again including removing the dried blood. It felt worst than having the pain of the operation itself ie the episode where I felt Jane injecting anaesthesia into my eyelids and then the pain of my right outer eyelid being cut ... ouch.
I felt overcome when it was all over and my eyes felt weird and strange from the freedom of no stitches; and also the pain of the stitch removal still echoed and resonated throughout my eyes and skin. It took me a while to get back to center again. Jane took some pictures and said there was some lower eyelid retraction and for me to after 3 days, rub the outer eye upward. If it didn't work, then she said we'd probably need to consider a spacer.
I wanted to bring up the right lower eyelid hollow but it didn't feel that Jane was interested in the fat transfer issue right then and was more interested in the lower left retraction. When we took a pic of my eyes closed, she said the right eye also wasn't closing properly. No other comments.
She said that I'd probably experience itchiness over the next few days/weeks and to rub the ointment on my eyes a couple of times a day and to see her again in 6 weeks time.
At that time I hadn't seen myself in the mirror and couldn't tell whether my right lower eyelid hollow had gotten better with the stitches out. I really wanted to ask her about that but it just didn't seem appropriate and I know she was rushing as there were people waiting outside and she was in a hurry.
I'm not happy about my right lower eyelid hollow as it stands out a lot especially as the left lower hollow seems to have evened out. Jane mentioned that if the left lower eyelid fell anymore the left lump will continue to show more.
I'm not a happy bunny at all. I'm feeling ok about my uppers re the fat transfer but am feeling upset about my right lower hollow .... my eye just looks skeletal .... months of looking like this
ahead(?). (sighs).
I reminded Jane of the stitched in my left knee where the fat had been taken, and she thanked me for reminding her and took the stitches out. I'm sure if I hadn't reminded her, she would not have removed the stitches!! She said in a year's time there'd be no scar there. The stitches took about a minute to cut and remove.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Thu 22 June 06 : Day 19 post op
Day 17 post op : Thu 22nd June 06Right eye lower hollow, left eye lower droop, left lower outer eye lump not noticeable when not smiling, left upper eyelid (inner) fuzy cos of red spot (bah!)
Day 16 post surgery : 21st June 06Right eye lower hollow, left eye lower lid has fallen though you can't see the left lump in this pix too much and left upper eyelid (inner) fuzzy cos of the red spot :(
Am sleeping later and later at night now, about 3am, which isn't good and at that I'm finding it harder to fall asleep even when I'm tired; though am waking up around 11am even though I set the alarm for 8.45am, which makes it around 8 hours sleep.
My period came today which was wonderful - I think I know now why I was eating so much the other day like I was eating for two (cravings of which have now completely disappeared thankfully) as I was hormonal, though I still am crying easily at the drop of a hat. I saw wonderful re period cos this whole year since I was on the steriods in Dec last year (05), my periods have been irregular again ie every 6-7 weeks if not longer; and now it was 35 days, which is a great achievement for me and I only had the thrush feelings for a couple of days and then it disappeared after I used the Manuka Oil. Not so good period wise is that one is not supposed to do certain positions in Yoga on the first 3 days of your period. (sighs).
Best friend rang - I haven't spoken to her for a few months since that episode about my hair way back end Feb 06 though have texted on and off. She was due to attend the yoga workshop with me but is now considering backing off cos she's got cystitis. I feel frustrated by her lack of commitment (as it's the only time this workshop will happen in the UK this year) though it's her loss. I mentioned my surgery to her and in a way I'm glad if she doesn't turn up tomorrow cos she'll only start her judgement again which right now I don't need.
Another friend of mine whom I got back in touch with about 5 weeks ago to help out regards the reiki charity, and whom I hadn't been in touch with for a couple of years or so, is showing his true colours as well. He keeps pushing me on email to talk in a sexual manner which I completely ignore and keep it formal and eventually he starts to get on his judgement chair again about reiki (even though he practices it) though he feels insecure about it. What is it with me and all these judgemental people (whom remind me of my parents :o)). Question answered yeah? Breathe ....
I'm still worrying re work and hating the thought that I have to go back next week. I sometimes wish I didn't have to go on this weekend yoga workshop just so I could have a few more days at home by myself to sort out the house which still has a way to go yet. It's slow progress. I'm done with the shredding - I just have to file all the paperwork now and find a system so I know where to find everything when I need it. Then I have to start upstairs in the library there and my bedroom and gym ... I'll never get round to it all. I feel overwhelmed. Story of my life.
My eyes are still behaving themselves when I wake up in the morning almost 3 weeks post surgery in that they aren't dry (yay) though I must be sleeping with my eyes open cos you just have to look at my photos with my eyes shut and you can see they're open.
My eyes still feel tight and I can't wait to get the stitches out tomorrow, Friday 23rd. I wonder what my eyes will look like and/or if they'll be any different and/or drop any further (eek - heavens no!). My right upper eyelid is still a little bruised and it is an effort / strain to blink my eyes.
I did a test yesterday and if I close my right eye and keep my left eye open, the right eye easily stays closed. If I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, the left eye has a huge problem in keeping closed and closing itself and shakes uncontrollably. I'm a little concerned about this. I must remember to mention it to Jane tomorrow.
I am still wearing either a sun hat or a cap when I venture outside and wear sunglasses all the time, even when it's cloudy. The guy in the petrol station looked at me weird when I went to pay for my petrol. I'm not brave enough to not wear them yet as I have stitches protruding from the corners of my eyes and my uppers and lowers like a cat's whiskers! And they look a little bruised and red still. Gimme a break! Also I can't open my eyes too much or wide cos they're feeling constricted.
My left knee where the fat was taken out still feels bruised and sore. I wonder if Jane will take the stitches out and/or if they are dissolvable - if they are dissolvable, they certainly aren't dissolving and I'm too chicken to cut them myself ....... eergh!
I had thought about lipo once to my thighs but after this little lipo to my knee to get a little fat out for my eyes ... noooooooooooo thank you!! Me no like the bruising and discomfort. I'd rather work out to The Biggest Loser DVD and endure that pain than the pain of bruising ... !!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Autogenous hard palate mucosa : the ideal lower eyelid spacer?
I found an article on Hard Palate Mucosa, which most likely will be the next part of my reconstruction healing journey with Jane Olver, who is one of the authors of the article below. The second link includes before and after photos of lower eyelid retraction.
The articles are a bit deep - I roughly get the gist, and am terrified especially when I read of haemotema (spelling?) on the donor graft site.
How on earth am I going to manage this healing wise and taking time off work is what crosses my mind, and also financially whether BUPA will cover it, if applicable etc. Is 3 weeks enough to heal from this? Will I be able to eat after? Will I be confined to just liquid diet?
Healing from surgery is hard work and very draining in all aspects. It's not like having a holiday cos each day you feel different inside and in how you look - everything is bruised and swollen. And talking of swollen, my knee, where the fat transfer was taken (ie lipo-ed) is still bruised and swollen at two weeks. I took the plaster off the other day to take a peek and there were stitches there. They don't look like dissolvable stitches to me. I put another couple of plasters back on as I didn't want the stitches to get caught in anything. Geez if I feel bruised from a little lipo on my knee, I can't imagine what it feels like to get your stomach and/or thighs lipoed - ouch!
While I'm healing from this last surgery (2 weeks post surgery now), I can still feel my scalp healing from my brow lift - as it's still sore in some spots, the hair is still growing weird in some areas where there is new hair though my hair is still parted differently to how I normally wear it to hide my incision lines. But enough has grown now at the 6 month mark for me to effectively hide the incision lines that are still growing back.
My heart has felt palpitations every now and then during the past 2 weeks during recovery. I'm not sure what that means - it would just start beating really fast at times and I'd just observe it, and wasn't able to figure out why it was doing it as nothing in particular was happening. I was curious and wondered if anything was wrong with my heart and/or if something was happening that it shouldn't be and/or if it was some kind of side effect of the medication.
Talking of medication, on reading the article below, it says that antibiotics are prescribed for a while to help the donor site ie mouth graft area to heal etc as there can be complictions. Oh no!! --- I should have taken a pix showing what my skin on arms and legs looked like when I was taking the antibiotics - not a pretty sight.
The use of porous polyethylene (Medpor) lower eyelid spacers in lid heightening and stabilisation
J Tan, J Olver, M Wright, R Maini, C Neoh, and A J Dickinson
Br. J. Ophthalmol., September 1, 2004; 88(9): 1197 - 1200.
http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/85/10/1183
http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/88/9/1197
The articles are a bit deep - I roughly get the gist, and am terrified especially when I read of haemotema (spelling?) on the donor graft site.
How on earth am I going to manage this healing wise and taking time off work is what crosses my mind, and also financially whether BUPA will cover it, if applicable etc. Is 3 weeks enough to heal from this? Will I be able to eat after? Will I be confined to just liquid diet?
Healing from surgery is hard work and very draining in all aspects. It's not like having a holiday cos each day you feel different inside and in how you look - everything is bruised and swollen. And talking of swollen, my knee, where the fat transfer was taken (ie lipo-ed) is still bruised and swollen at two weeks. I took the plaster off the other day to take a peek and there were stitches there. They don't look like dissolvable stitches to me. I put another couple of plasters back on as I didn't want the stitches to get caught in anything. Geez if I feel bruised from a little lipo on my knee, I can't imagine what it feels like to get your stomach and/or thighs lipoed - ouch!
While I'm healing from this last surgery (2 weeks post surgery now), I can still feel my scalp healing from my brow lift - as it's still sore in some spots, the hair is still growing weird in some areas where there is new hair though my hair is still parted differently to how I normally wear it to hide my incision lines. But enough has grown now at the 6 month mark for me to effectively hide the incision lines that are still growing back.
My heart has felt palpitations every now and then during the past 2 weeks during recovery. I'm not sure what that means - it would just start beating really fast at times and I'd just observe it, and wasn't able to figure out why it was doing it as nothing in particular was happening. I was curious and wondered if anything was wrong with my heart and/or if something was happening that it shouldn't be and/or if it was some kind of side effect of the medication.
Talking of medication, on reading the article below, it says that antibiotics are prescribed for a while to help the donor site ie mouth graft area to heal etc as there can be complictions. Oh no!! --- I should have taken a pix showing what my skin on arms and legs looked like when I was taking the antibiotics - not a pretty sight.
The use of porous polyethylene (Medpor) lower eyelid spacers in lid heightening and stabilisation
J Tan, J Olver, M Wright, R Maini, C Neoh, and A J Dickinson
Br. J. Ophthalmol., September 1, 2004; 88(9): 1197 - 1200.
http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/85/10/1183
http://bjo.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/88/9/1197
2 weeks post surgery : Mon 19 June 06
(sighs) - it's getting to that stage where I don't like seeing my eyes / face in pictures anymore as I see them all the time and to broadcast them live to the public feels like exposing one's flaws and sometimes I just want to hide though I know it helps others lots to see photos and that's what keeps me going.
You can find me at the Make Me Heal boards http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=285
Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - white schelera on left lower eyelid showing more each day :(
13 June 06 - a week earlier - Day 8 post surgery - white schlera isn't showing too much
Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - left lower eyelid is drooping more each day (sniffles) and shows a lot in this particular picture - right eye seems fine.
Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery - eyes closed - left lower eyelid droop shows
Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery. Right lower hollow showing plus left lower eyelid droop and left lower eyelid lump
I noted yesterday that my skin on arms and legs were now back to normal. When I was on the antibiotics my skin flared up and I had red huge rashes / hives all over my arms and legs - it was ikky. Now they're thankfully back to normal.
At night, I get lots of headaches these past few days, my vision comes and goes and I need my glasses a lot more now, and late at night my outer eyes start to ache and I've been icing which provides relief. When I blink my eyes slowly my eyes ache though it's getting better.
I'm still sleeping with no need to use lacrilube which is great (I did use it the other night once and huge mistake as my eyes were blurry for ages after I woke up). I'm not suffering from any dry eyes when I wake in the morning which is a good thing considering my left lower eyelid is drooping lots. I am tempted to video myself sleeping to see if my eyes are closed or open when I sleep.
It's not fun having this lagophtalmus (spelling?) as when you're kissing someone they tend to ask why you're kissing with your eyes open .... sniffles - and now I'm even more conscious than ever since my eye surgeries so I guess it's a good think I ain't got no one to kiss (grins). Apart from my kitties who don't judge me :).
You can find me at the Make Me Heal boards http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=285
Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - white schelera on left lower eyelid showing more each day :(
13 June 06 - a week earlier - Day 8 post surgery - white schlera isn't showing too much
Monday 19th June 06 - 2 weeks post surgery - left lower eyelid is drooping more each day (sniffles) and shows a lot in this particular picture - right eye seems fine.
Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery - eyes closed - left lower eyelid droop shows
Sunday 18th June 06 - Day 13 post surgery. Right lower hollow showing plus left lower eyelid droop and left lower eyelid lumpI noted yesterday that my skin on arms and legs were now back to normal. When I was on the antibiotics my skin flared up and I had red huge rashes / hives all over my arms and legs - it was ikky. Now they're thankfully back to normal.
At night, I get lots of headaches these past few days, my vision comes and goes and I need my glasses a lot more now, and late at night my outer eyes start to ache and I've been icing which provides relief. When I blink my eyes slowly my eyes ache though it's getting better.
I'm still sleeping with no need to use lacrilube which is great (I did use it the other night once and huge mistake as my eyes were blurry for ages after I woke up). I'm not suffering from any dry eyes when I wake in the morning which is a good thing considering my left lower eyelid is drooping lots. I am tempted to video myself sleeping to see if my eyes are closed or open when I sleep.
It's not fun having this lagophtalmus (spelling?) as when you're kissing someone they tend to ask why you're kissing with your eyes open .... sniffles - and now I'm even more conscious than ever since my eye surgeries so I guess it's a good think I ain't got no one to kiss (grins). Apart from my kitties who don't judge me :).
Sunday, June 18, 2006
5 June 06 surgery journey in pixs
Photo journey of my surgery journey since 5 June 06 - 2nd reconstructive surgery with Jane Olver
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Photos
Okay, have been able to post some pictures but it won't let me post Days 1-4 which is frustrating or anything else. I'll try on another thread.
Today is Day 12 post surgery, Sat 17th June 06 and I took some photos with the flash on and I was alarmed as well as disappointed to note that the left lower eyelid was drooping more than I thought it was. There's no way it's going to pop back up again. It was doing so well a week post surgery at Day 5 and now 2 weeks post surgery, the left lower lid is beginning to drop.
It's ok, I've accepted that the surgery was partially successful and that I'll most likely need another reconstructive surgery at some point especially as my lower left eyelid lump is beginning to show up again and also my right lower eyelid looks hollow and is very different compared to my left lower eyelid; plus when I smile and/or talk, you can see the lump per before (that Jane pointed out). I did take photos but blogger isn't accepting any more photos right now.
My left lower eyelid is beginning to feel the effects of the wind again ie that feeling where the wind blows on your face and my left lower eye feels dry and tickly. A sign that the lower lid is retracted as my right lower eyelid feels fine.
If I do anything too much at home, ie like bend to sweep the carpet or fit a plug or plug a socket into the DVD recorder etc, my eyeballs tend to feel swollen and I have to stop. It's frustrating as I'm limited in what I can do at home and I feel like I'm wasting such valuable time. When I do do anything, I have to be extra careful not to strain.
I'm just concerned now about how I'll look when I return to work week after next ie on Tues 27th and I hope that my eyes will be fine and no one will notice at work. One of my bosses' suspected that I may be going in for surgery as I was taking such a long time off but I managed to convince him I was taking the full time for a yoga workshop which is true, but only the latter part of my leave.
I hope so much that when I return to work, I'll be able to transfer to another team as my time is definitely up in my current team. I want to leave there and move on somewhere else - to new ventures and to people that won't stare and whom won't gossip and start afresh.
Day 5 post surgery - Sat 10th June 06
Lower left lid in good high position still
Day 6 post surgery - Sun 11th June 06
Day 7 post surgery - Mon 12th June 06
Day 8 post surgery - Tue 13th June 06
Some signs of lower eyelid retraction beginning to appear
;">Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06
With flash - the left lower eyelid droop is more obvious with the flash on
Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06
Stitches still in, right lower eyelid hollow and left lower eyelid starting to droop plus left lower eyelid lump reappearing
Today is Day 12 post surgery, Sat 17th June 06 and I took some photos with the flash on and I was alarmed as well as disappointed to note that the left lower eyelid was drooping more than I thought it was. There's no way it's going to pop back up again. It was doing so well a week post surgery at Day 5 and now 2 weeks post surgery, the left lower lid is beginning to drop.
It's ok, I've accepted that the surgery was partially successful and that I'll most likely need another reconstructive surgery at some point especially as my lower left eyelid lump is beginning to show up again and also my right lower eyelid looks hollow and is very different compared to my left lower eyelid; plus when I smile and/or talk, you can see the lump per before (that Jane pointed out). I did take photos but blogger isn't accepting any more photos right now.
My left lower eyelid is beginning to feel the effects of the wind again ie that feeling where the wind blows on your face and my left lower eye feels dry and tickly. A sign that the lower lid is retracted as my right lower eyelid feels fine.
If I do anything too much at home, ie like bend to sweep the carpet or fit a plug or plug a socket into the DVD recorder etc, my eyeballs tend to feel swollen and I have to stop. It's frustrating as I'm limited in what I can do at home and I feel like I'm wasting such valuable time. When I do do anything, I have to be extra careful not to strain.
I'm just concerned now about how I'll look when I return to work week after next ie on Tues 27th and I hope that my eyes will be fine and no one will notice at work. One of my bosses' suspected that I may be going in for surgery as I was taking such a long time off but I managed to convince him I was taking the full time for a yoga workshop which is true, but only the latter part of my leave.
I hope so much that when I return to work, I'll be able to transfer to another team as my time is definitely up in my current team. I want to leave there and move on somewhere else - to new ventures and to people that won't stare and whom won't gossip and start afresh.
Day 5 post surgery - Sat 10th June 06Lower left lid in good high position still
Day 6 post surgery - Sun 11th June 06
Day 7 post surgery - Mon 12th June 06
Day 8 post surgery - Tue 13th June 06Some signs of lower eyelid retraction beginning to appear
;">Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06With flash - the left lower eyelid droop is more obvious with the flash on
Day 12 post surgery - Sat 17th June 06Stitches still in, right lower eyelid hollow and left lower eyelid starting to droop plus left lower eyelid lump reappearing
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