1st day back at work (Tues 27 June 06)

Yesterday, Tuesday 27th June 06 was my first day back at work and I got in for 7.30am. I was nervous as I got ready for the day and used a litle camouflage on my scars for the first time in 3 weeks though I managed to camouflage them amply. Sadly I also had a small acne on the right side of my cheek which is as obvious as anything and stands out a lot and today, Weds 28th June, I called in sick as I can't face people starting at my zit which a lot of them were yesterday - good thing is it took their attention away from my eyes, though this morning I couldn't take looking at the cyst which makes my cheekbones look huge as the cyst is huge (and sorrie no, I won't be taking a pic of the cyst - ergh). (sighs). I have cystic ovaries and occasionally get these cysts though the one I had 5 days after my op on my upper inside eyelid - I'm not sure if that's related to the fat transfer or my cystic ovaries though reading what Dr Meronk said on his site re cysts and fat transfers it's probably due to that cos I was on antibiotics and when you're on antibiotics you don't just suddenly get cysts.

Anyway back to yesterday ..... so many people in my group came up to me excited to see me back - geez - you'd think I had been away for 3 months! While it was flattering I was intrigued as to what happened while I was away for them to miss my presence. I'm sure it doesn't show a good sign today that I haven't turned up and left a message that I have an eye infection - it'll only make them ask questions about my eyes tomorrow when I go in (if I do tomorrow) and they'll focus on my eyes (sighs).

Everyone was asking what I did and what I got up to and where I went and I relayed the story of the yoga workshop and that satisfied most; though one of my bosses, ie the cute one - TA, kept looking at me as he always does and asked how my eyes were. He always scrutinises me and I feel so transparent in front of him and that he sees through me. I just said fine though went into the Holmes Adie Syndrome ie re my vision and said that due to the syndrome my vision varies in that sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's not due to the nature of it as my pupils change all the time and it will always be like that and there is no cure, which is true. I'm not sure if that satisfied him but he left me alone.

I didn't have any eye make up on and must have looked different to everyone anyway re my eyes and I'm not sure how obvious the scarring was on my outer eyes which I had camouflaged with make up.

The whole day went ok and I survived a 10 hour day; though today when I woke up and put my make up on, I just couldn't take the look of the cyst and it really bothered me and I couldn't face going into work, so I called in sick reluctantly, and am using as many tricks up my sleeve as I know to get help my cyst heal including tea tree, and other acne treatments I have at home. It's working some as it's gone down half the size and hopefully will be reduced enough to go into work tomorrow without it being as huge as it is today.

Looking in the mirror today, more changes as I noticed my left lower lump showing up underneath the camouflage of the make up ie the make up cakes where the lump is and higlights the lump kinda like snow and the bump of the lump protrudes out (sighs). It's not something that would show up in a photo and I'm sick and tired of taking photos of my eyes. I feel like Alistair Griffith in Fame Academy when he once said to the guys who were helping him learn his songs and fine tune his voice, that he was sick of singing the same song over and over and over again and that it took away the joy of singing cos he had to practice it so much. Meaning I'm tired of taking so many pictures and journalling my eyes sometimes as it all gets a bit too much; though having said that it's something I need to do as I also need to focus on the good parts that come out of it ie noticing how far I've come in my healing journey and the progress my eyes are making. It's just the tough parts are hard to deal with and I just want to get on with my life and I can't.

Back to work means back to the hustle and bustle of the grindstone again and all that comes with it ie the mundane plod to and from work, the being taken for granted, the lack of job satisfaction, the stress and all else (sighs) and the office politics. I'll cherish each moment today that I've got away from the office. Everyone said how lucky I was to be away from the office for 3 weeks even though the yoga workshop didn't go well cos it just meant I was away from the stress of the work environment - how right they are ... I guess everyone else feels it too. If only we could all do what we loved to do for a living and get paid well for it ...