A week post surgery (Mon 12th June 06)

It's amazing how time flies and yet at the same time sometimes feels to slow down ....

I created a photo album using http://www.tripod.com cos my blogger just isn't posting pictures (which is frustrating) http://indianaeyes.tripod.com/indiana_healing_eyes/ to journal my healing journey in pictures.

Today was another hot day and it was way too hot to exercise - I tried but failed as it was just too hot.

Went out to the mall with mom to get some tshirts/vests but it was uncomfortably hot for me and it was difficult for me to try on vests and get them over my head. I was in disguise with sunglasses and a sun hat so people couldn't see my eyes but mom said it was obvious that I'd had surgery. I wonder if my eyes could be seen through my sunglasses. The stitches were feeling tight and my eyes felt tight and occasionally I could feel stinging and pulling and just generally feel the stitches. It was just also way too hot to do anything and my car doesn't have air conditioning. I am yearning for rain at this point. It's beautiful weather but it's just too hot.

I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon. Occasionally my stomach feels ikky and I remember the vomiting session. My hives are going down and it hopefully means that the antibiotics and sterioid side effects are leaving my body. I am suffering from thrush again which is very frustrating. My body is just hyper sensitive.

I'm also feeling emotional - ie crying easily - I'd say I was hormonal perhaps - though I'm not sure if it's the side effects of the steroid prednisolone - probably as it's similar to what happened the last time.

I am worried about my left lower eyelid a little as I think it may have gotten overlooked during the surgery. It's been the bane of my life since the original surgery was bodged in Dec 04 and if it was indeed overlooked, it would mean I'd have to have another lower eyelid surgery to fix it and I really would prefer not to. I will have to wait and see when the stitches come out. Fingers and toes crossed.

I'm sleeping well in that my eyes are almost closing and I haven't needed to use Lacrilube for a week now which is wonderful.

My friend S, whom I haven't been in touch with for 8 years, and whom recently surfaced as her relationship ended, has been calling a lot. I think she's lonely. I ended our friendship 8 years ago because I couldn't take how I felt when I was around her ie depressed and pulled down and I'm aiming not to allow myself to get back into that same situation. I can give her the tools to help her help herself though I will not allow myself to get sucked back into the dysfunctional friendship we had years ago. I've changed so much since then and I would think the chances of that happening are slim. I wish her well and am here for her but in a healthy way.

Friends and family
No one knows I've had this recent surgery apart from my mom and my sister and of course those at Make Me Heal. My best friend knows at some point I'm scheduled for my next surgery but I haven't told her the date and she doesn't know that I've had it and I intend to keep it that way. I haven't seen my best friend since the hair dressing incident in February this year, some 4 months ago. I was feeling very low and depressed and was very upset about my wig issue and I felt she lacked compassion for me and was very judgemental - it was an amalgamation of many months and years of *mental and emotional* abuse and I no longer wanted to put up with it. She loves me and cares for me but I feel very depressed and dragged down when I'm around her and chose to no longer be around her.

I am tired of the judgement of friends who mean well and yet they keep saying things like okay this is your last surgery now - you're getting addicted to it etc and "nothing was wrong with you in the first place - why did you have to go and fix something that wasn't broke" etc. When I feel upset with them they don't understand and think they are doing me a favour by saying what they are saying. They're all close to losing my friendship as I don't want to be around people that don't understand and whom judge me and my choices in life. I'm 41 years old and an adult and if I have made and am making mistakes re the surgeries I'm choosing to have in my life, that's my mistake to make in life and if they're true friends, they'll stand by me and support me throughout whatever it is that I'm' going through in life irrespective, instead of judging and making me wrong for my choices in life.

The same principle goes for my work colleagues. They criticise and comment non stop about my eye bags for months and years and when I have surgery, they whisper that I've opted for plastic surgery and make their own judgements about my choices in life. Get a life people.

I'm at a crossroads in my life right now as I no longer like my job, am cross with my boss and the other assistants I'm working with (well one anyway) and feel it's time to move on, but internally in the firm. I'm hoping to do so when I get back to work. New team, new start elsewhere and new challenges. I hope things will work out when I get back as I'm *dying* a slow death in my current role.