Day 8 post surgery : Tues 13 June 06

Today has been such an ikky day - it's been going progressively seemingly downhill since the weekend - and it all seemed to start when I started throwing up from the antibiotics and then my upper left eyelid started throbbing and out came a cyst and/or it could be a lump from the fat transfer and an allergic reaction(?) - who knows and the past few days my eyes have just been feeling tighter and tighter and more restrictive as they seemingly are metamorphising into something new.

The metamorphisis is disturbing for use of a word and is a weird feeling as my eyes feel like they are bulging out of my eye sockets and throb and all I want to do is rub my eyes but I can't. They feel tight cos of the stitches and the heat hasn't helped thou thankfully today it rained - albeit my washing got wet, which was outside drying overnight.

I look into the mirror and I see changes daily - loathe the cyst on my upper left eyelid (or what seems to be) and am feeling upset about the left lower lid lump which seemingly is starting to reappear again - I'm convinced it hasn't gone as it feels hard unlike my lower right eyelid (outer area) which feels soft. I think that's what upset me the most today, ie knowing subconsciously that my lower left eyelid lump is still there and if that is still the case next week when my stitches are out, it'll just mean more months (6 or so) of me living with the lump which technically would mean that I'd have lived with it for 2 years as in 6 months time, it'll be 2 years since my original disaster bleph.

The though of having to go through another lower eyelid surgery / reconstruction and the financial worry of it is an emotional rollercoaster; unless there's no cost for the surgery in which case it'll be different ie a release financially but nonetheless another uproot as I'd have to take more time off work as annual leave to heal and recover from what would be my 5th eye surgery / reconstruction. My head can't take it and I'm an emotional wreck as it is anyway these days. I'm not my normal self and am eating extra portions - all of a sudden my appetite seems to have doubled and I'm eating more - this is so weird. What am I turning into? I feel like I'm being possessed.

Hiding the fact I've had surgery from work colleagues and friends who email me also feels deceitful (sighs) (sniffles). I've been taking it out on mom a little and snapping at her - or rather I don't seem to have much patience with her lately that I normally do.

Jane did say that this would be a trying time and that at the end of the 3 weeks', I'd need a holiday to recover from this. (sighs). At the end of 3 weeks, I'll be returning to a job I don't want to be in .... and desperately hoping my bruises and eyes would have recovered by then; and that I don't put on too much weight between now and then.