Day 11 post surgery : Fri 16 June 06

I hadn't felt up to posting the past couple of days, nothing major happened apart from that each morning when I wake up, my left lower eyelid seems to drop even more which is very disheartening and upsetting and my heart sinks. Also each time I look at my lower eyelids, which Jane and the other surgeon decided not to fill with Coleman fat, and instead redistributed whatever fat they could find in there, I feel that it's not quite right and that they look hollow to me, especially my right lower eyelid area which looks more hollow than my left; which looks different as it has that left lower eyelid lump being more pronounced each day.

I'm not sure how my lower eyes are supposed to look, though it can't be what they currently look like cos they just look hollow to me and I'm' sure pre any surgery, my eyes didn't look like that as you can see the bone structure, ie hollows of my eyes and that ain't right. Maybe it's because my eyes are still stitched up at the ends and when they're released things will look different? I don't know. I just can't imagine how Jane figured that it looked ok without transferring any fat into the area. All that fat taken from my left knee and it was not used - arrrrgh (sniffles).

I'm 11 days post surgery and I'm in no way shape or form ready to go back to work yet with my left upper eyelid still being purplish and my eyes feel fat and full. Today when I bent my head down ie to look under my chair, my eyes didn't throb as much as they had been. I haven't been working out and eating lots of junk food and have put on a few pounds. I've just felt hungry enough to eat for two people strangely enough and sitting at home not being able to do much, all I can do is eat as my stomach is hungry whereas if I'm at work, there's not much time to eat and it's easier to keep to a healthier eating plan as I don't have time to cook. Hopefully when I return to work, I'll work it all off again.

I wonder if I'll be ready to go back to work on Tues 27th June which is when I'm scheduled back. I do hope so. The yoga workshop I'm attending next Friday 23rd June for 2 and a half days will help me get my chakras and energies points flowing again and will be good for me. I've been sitting at home just thinking non stop almost about work and how I can retire at aged 41 cos I don't want to go back to the group I'm currently working for. I've been bored for months, do not like one of the assistants there and feel taken for granted and overworked. Work is monotonous and I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

There is not much job satisfaction (well only a little) though when I feel underappreciated, then there is no job satisfaction cos no matter what I do, it seems like it's not enough for my boss who is co head of the group. If he does appreciate me he certainly doesn't show it and if he says it I feel he's just making it up as it doesn't feel real considering how I feel he treats me other times ie I feel he treats me like a husband who comes home from work after a hard day and asks his wife, ok what have you been doing all day - just cos he doesn't know what I've been doing as I make things run really smoothly - so smoothly that he doesn't notice.

Because we had the reiki day, when I return, I will be having discussions with the health club and how we can bring reiki there - thou if they offer me a position I'd have to turn it down as I've been a PA for my firm for over 10 years and the benefits are high even thou the job is very stressful and working for the health club would be seemingly like being self employed and too risky.

Now if I was married and had a husband to take care of the mortgage, I could do that ie work for the health club and/or become self employed and teach and practice reiki as I'd earn enough each money - and wouldn't need to worry as if one month I didn't earn enough it'd hopefully be ok; though alas my journey is meant to be solo for the moment.

My outer left eye was bleeding today - I don't know why. I was using a cotton bud to lightly dry my eyes and when I dabbed the outer left hand corner, the cotton bud had blood on it. Oh dear.

My eye sight has been blurry from time to time. I so want to clear the clutter in my house and reorganise everything but I am limited in what I can do as when I bend my head, my eyes start to throb and get all puffy and I have to stop what I'm doing. I feel very incapacitated and disabled, it's frustrating. I feel I'm wasting such precious time.

Also my mind is taking up with thinking about my next surgery, if I need any, which at this point, I think I do as the left lower lump is still there, and my lowers look hollowed and my left lower eyelid is still drooping (not as much as before, but it seems to be falling down a little more daily whereas the right one is staying up). I'm figuring out how I can do the next surgery again without working knowing, how I can take 3 weeks off work to heal (it'll have to be x'mas again) and the *story* to make up - ie I'll have to say I'm going home to Singapore and Indonesia as I haven't been in 6 years which is why I need to take so long. I'm also then thinking about now and then and how I'm going to cope and how my eyes are going to look in betwen now and then and/or if they'll be in any decent shape (I hope they will be) - if it's 80% improvement, I'll be happy and able to cope with it.

Then there's the boredom of work and working all that overtime to pay off my credit cards financially for the last surgery which is going to take me years. I am working all the hours I can ie 11 hour days or so just to make the overtime to pay my credit cards each month and slowly but surely the amounts are coming down. The surgeries / reconstruction hasn't been cheap and I'm a single woman with a mortgage that two people should be paying and paying off for 4 surgeries so far and more to come - I can't get my head around it as to how I'm managing to stay afloat but somehow I am. I'm just glad I'm able to work overtime at work to help pay my credit cards - I know a lot of people who would like revisions but can't afford them. I remember before I started this journey ie with Jane Olver that I couldn't do it cos I couldn't afford it but when I decided to make the plunge, I committed 100% into my healing journey and I'm glad I did as it's made a huge difference in my life.

My left lower eyelid seems to pop back up a little in the afternoons and seems to yo yo and I think ok mischievious little piece of skin. I'm thinking perhaps Jane had a plan re my lowers and that when my stitches are removed, the skin will sit differently somehow(?) - I don't know. I'm hoping. I also don't know how my eyes are going to look when the stitches are out as I don't think my outers are sewn up too much - I can't really tell what's happened - I see lots of stitches but not too sure what happened ... I'm confused. I'll ask Jane when I see her next Friday.