Day 29 post surgery : Tues 3 Jan 06

I was so nervous last night and worried that I wouldn't be able to sleep so I purchased some Valarien herbal tea which I'd never had before. I preferred that to the Valarien drops with alcohol (as I don't drink); or any of the other herbal sleeping tablets.

Surprisingly it tasted really good :) and within an hour I was sleepy, which felt like the natural sleepy feeling and fell asleep; though I did wake at 2.30am and couldn't fall back asleep as my mind was chattering and my head felt "wooden" - it's a really weird sensation in the forehead and head - like it doesn't belong to you - kinda like the feeling you get at the dentist when your teeth are anaethesised and don't feel like it belongs as part of your body.

Again I found myself slipping down the bed wedge and sleeping straight instead of elevated. Ah well - I allowed myself the luxury of doing so.

Wearing the wig in the morning took some time though I eventually got it looking how I wanted and head off for work.

To summarise, as people trickled in, everyone just said good morning per usual and no one did any double takes; apart from some of the guys coming up and asking how I was and commenting on my hairstyle, how they liked it and how it suited me and wishing me a Happy New Year. I think more were focused on my hair than on my eyes, which was wonderful as it took so much pressure off me. I even (and I'm amazed I did this) took off my glasses for the first time in a year throughout the day mainly when I wasn't using the computer and walked around to the copy room and ladies and to the bosses' offices etc without my glasses and no one did any double takes like they did before and no one flicked at their eyes like they did before and there was no uncomfortable silences or them trying to be nice and asking how my eyes were - and it was just great. Back to normality ! Yes!! (smiles).

What was so wonderful was that no one was asking about my eyes like they did before and only asked how I was doing from the surgery; and I said I was still feeling nauseaus, vision still blurry but was getting there etc. T, one of my bosses, asks a few personal questions though I'm hoping he'll get sidetracked by my hair and focus on that instead :).

M, from the FEX bureau, looked at me when I went to get some FEX, and commented on my hair and how it made me look so different, like a completely new person. I'm not sure if he liked it though I don't think he didn't. He just kept looking at my hair and the focus (yeah) was away from my eyes (whew)! The £250 for the wig was sure worth it! Whew! He did ask about my eyes though as I wasn't wearing glasses, I just said the same as what I was saying to the others, ie vision still blurry and I was trying to wean off glasses as one of my eyes (and this is true) tends to squint if I wear glasses too long.

I wore a little brown eye liner on both lids and a little bit of organic mascara and it looked normal ie nothing too excessive. My wig was fine up until the dreaded time of 2-3pm when it started to smart and throb again. I went to the ladies, took off my wig and gave my head a good old massage and then readjusted the head band and put the wig back on. Sometimes when I wear the wig and mess around with it, I do like how it sits on my head and wish my normal hair was as thick as that :) though perhaps when I have the extensions I can do that. I've taken some photos to show the guy in the shop.

One thing that does concern me is that my eyes only blink halfway (I videoed myself to see how I looked as my best friend wouldn't say too much about my blink) and it's noticeable if I blink slowly that I only blink halfway. Eeek. Also my eyes feel weird when they look down. I took pictures and as my uppers are still swollen, the upper eyelids do not seem to cover the eyeball sufficiently hence perhaps why there is only half a blink. I do hope this is something temporary and not permanent as I don't think this is something that can be repaired if too much skin has been removed (argh).

It was a long 10 hour day at work today and it was bearable and not as frightening as I thought it'd be :). I'm so glad people left me alone and didn't ask about my eyes and treated me like normal (I wish they had been doing that for the past year). The change is indeed very welcome and I hope it lasts as more bosses will be returning this week and next and I've yet to bump into more people along the corridor though I hope they'll focus on the wig and nought on my eyes (smiles).

The way I feel right now, I don't think I'm ready for surgery in 6-7 months time as I feel I'm healing so slowly (I'm now 4 weeks post surgery) and still feeling nauseaus and just generally run down. I can't bend my head too long as that makes me feel light headed and faint.

There are moments when I hate the lump in my left eye and the droop though it is much less noticeable than before; though as I can still see it, I feel frustrated --- grrrr!!

Need to get some sleep - hope I've written down the day as best I could. Will add more to this later if I've forgotten anything.