Day 42 post surgery : Mon 16 Jan 2006

What a day today. L was back from her 3 week hol in India and I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks, since my surgery on 5th Dec 05.

She noticed my hair first off and started to ask how my surgery went ~~ everyone else starts to talk about my hair first and while she did, she only lingered on my hair for a second and started to ask questions about surgery which I tried to avoid by just saying fine and asked how her hols went. She sure is inquisitive.

Throughout the day she kept asking questions every now and then while she looked at me (she sits opposite me) and asked at one point if my hair had grown ~~ and there's me thinking geez, my wig hair is a little longer than my own hair and darn, she must still be staring at me and wondering or trying to put her finger on what is different. I just replied, with a straight face and not flinching (which I normally would do) and said my hair was the same and that it just looked different cos of the steroids I was on. She accepted that.

Then later in the day she commented on how good I looked, when we were talking about my nausea and how I was feeling as I said while I may look normal on the outside, I felt ikky on the inside. She said I looked good and that it must be the hair as there was something different. She didn't mention my eyes were different (smiles) which tickled me cos it is great if she thinks my eyes are normal!!

It basically felt like a whole day being under her scrutiny which was very draining especially as there's tension between me and the other assistant in the team, who I feel very frustrated at for many reasons, and since Friday. I feel she's like the Geisha in Memoirs of a Geisha who follows Sayuta everywhere causing chaos and trying to ruin her reputation ~~ this is how I feel R is with me as whatever I say or do, she has an answer for or tries to overturn what I say or put it down ~~ so much so I just try to drown her out of me every day by plugging into my Ipod at work, which my boss doesn't like so much cos I'm distracted by that and got caught out by it today when I answered the phone with a wrong boss's name (woops). Empty vessels make the most noise as R is extremely loud and attention seeking and yet deep down I sense she's a lonely girl who is seeking someone's approval (based from childhood) and being loud and noisy is the only way she knows how to get attention and she's in pattern mode when she tries to outweigh all that I say ~~ she does this to others so I know it's not personal though I do sense she feels threatened by me as her tone of voice changes when she talks to L as when she talks to me. I should feel sorry for her instead of feeling bullied (of sorts). After all I am the one with many "tools" to use.

Back to my hair and eyes, another banker in the team returned whom I hadn't seen for 6 weeks and he stared at me for the longest time and commented on my hair and asked about my eyes and I managed again to keep a straight face and answer his questions. He didn't stare at my eyes - just asked if this was the last operation - I said I didn't know - though realistically I cannot take any more time off on medical leave for any more operations as everyone is going to get suspicious so I'll have to take my lower eyelid surgery as personal holiday. As it was last year I had some 7-8 weeks off as medical leave which is a lot. I wouldn't want to jeopardise any bonus this year (2006).

I felt very self conscious about my wig today thinking everyone could tell it was a wig. L said that my hair looked great which is probably why I looked good as the colour was great etc. What? I felt my wig looked terrible today and it was like I hadn't washed my hair for ages as it felt all greasy and out of shape and like it had seen it's last days and that got me worried that my wig was already on its last legs and needed replacing and I thought noooooooo!!!

I would so love to be able to have hair extensions right now so I no longer have to wear a wig though I really can't afford £500-£1000 and besides it'd be way too obvious if I went back to work with a different hair colour and no bangs/fringe and shorter hair! Only by an inch or so. I'm in a dilemna though I'm sure it'll all get sorted out soon and/or settle down at work. That's it now, no more people returning from x'mas hols though there are still the odd one or two that I will bump into at work, one in particular though as they don't see me everyday it shouldn't make a difference and they probably won't be able to tell.

L was one of the hardest, which I knew she'd be, as she's very inquisitive for a 26 year old and also very observant. She'll be scrutinising me and every move I make and watching my hair and eyes over the next few days/weeks and won't let up. While that would be mighty uncomfortable, I think she'll be no longer working for us in about 4 weeks or so as she's only a temp who's covering for someone's maternity leave, and if they do let her go, that'll be a relief for me in many ways to no longer have anyone watching my every move and look.