Endorphins :)

I wasn't going to post tonite as I'd run out of time and it's time for bed though I'd just posted to Suz at the Make Me Heal Board and was inspired to share a little more here (smiles).

Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.

I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.

I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.

I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.

I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.

I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.

My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.

My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.

Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.

So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .

Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz

Hugz
Indi