4 month mark post surgery (Thurs 23rd March 06)

I think I'm at the 4 month post surgery mark this week ... awesome!

I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.

I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.

I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.

Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.

I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.

The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).

One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).

Nite
Indi