Week 13 : Sat 4th March 2006

I'm just over the three month and one week post surgery mark this week.

The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.

My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.

Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^

I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.

Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.

I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.

My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).

My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.

Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.

I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).

It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.

I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).

Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.

I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.

I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.

I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.

Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.

Indi