Week 10 post surgery : Sun 19 Feb 06

Today is the end of Week 10, Sunday 19th Feb 06 and tomorrow is the start of Week 11 post surgery so I'm at the two and a half month mark since my Y-V endo brow lift, upper eyelid reconstruction, and ptosis repair ....

This week has been very stressful for me and I'm not sure if it's the trauma of the surgery and the events that have followed it, ie the hair loss and the need to use a wig though spending so much time with my best friend, whom is the only one in real life who knows about my hair loss problem, has resulted in me calling a time out with her. I found her money issues too overbearing as she'd intervene in everything and force her money issues onto me, ie when we went to look at wigs in Catford and Lewisham, and I mentioned how surprised I was at how cheap they were ie £40, her comments were, well you didn't want to go hunting for bargains which I found extremely sarcastic - it's just her money issues talking as she likes her bargains - whereas I believe you pay for what you get and I don't have any issues in paying the price for something that is worth it, ie my wig, which was £235, and was a monofilament whereas the wigs we saw in Lewisham and Catford were cheap imitations with scalps that were obviously wigs. It's just my best friend's mannerism that bothers me as we had to go through this over and over and over and over again in all the shops we went to and I just couldn't handle it anymore.

My tolerance level is extremely low, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable with my hair loss etc and to have to deal with her money issues forced on me forced me over the edge and I called a time out. There were many other issues as well - just like any break ups, it doesn't happen overnight and this has been an issue for me for many months, if not years. It's just her overall thought process that brings me down and I need to meditate, to refocus, to bring myself back into my center and to protect myself from her energy which I feel drains me and right now I need all the energy I can get to help myself heal from the surgery mentally, emotionally and physically without having her draining my energy supply. It's like she feeds off me like a psychic vampire - arrrgh.

Calling a time out with her felt like I was breaking up a relationship and that in itself was very stressful but I had no choice. I spent the rest of the week working out after work in order to rid my stress and have started meditating when I am in bed and it's been helping as already I've lost 1-2 pounds and feel much better for it. I've also changed my eating habits. It's amazing how losing a few pounds can make you feel better as one is no longer bloated and my jeans can zip up properly and my clothes fit again.

Work has been stressful as the temp who sits across me still keeps staring at me and I keep catching her doing it. She doesn't look away either now when I catch her and I find it very annoying and rude. Even BN was staring at me when he was giving me some work, ie stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Wot? I really wanted to ask him what he was staring at. I'm perplexed. I really am.

I am back wearing my wig at work and this week thankfully my head/scalp did not itch (whew) and it was much better. I used one of the wig nets that was too tight and my scalp is bruised on both sides and still is today, Sunday 19th Feb. I'm learning to play around with my wig style which makes me feel better as I can make it look like it's my own real hair, ie even fooling myself, with the way I wear it and that makes a huge difference to me and my self confidence.

I keep watching people and noticing how their hair is and whose wearing a wig and/or weaves especially black people and I realise that a lot of black people's hair is not real and a lot of people especially black people wear wigs, which I hadn't realised before. My sense of awareness is heightened and I'm not sure if that's a good thing cos I'm even looking at people and looking at their eyes and face and eyebrows to see if they've had anything done and/or if they're drooping etc .... I wish I could switch this off though I guess in due time it'll fade away perhaps ... or maybe not ...

I went to Bluewater yesterday to Vision Express to have an eyetest done as I'm due for an eyetest. To summarise, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the way I was treated at Vision Express by the woman who was conducting the test as it all felt very clinical, she seemed to have no empathy or compassion and seemed to be a robot doing a job, and there was no personal touch, her questions were intrusive and I found her mannerism arrogant -- after about 10 mins or so I just walked out, left my eye test voucher at the counter, telling the staff there that I wasn't happy with her and when they asked me to wait to one side and that someone would be with me, I said NO and walked off - I'd seen her walk out of her cubicle and had come to the counter and I wanted nothing more to do with her.

I was shocked at my reaction cos this is so totally out of character. What's happening to me? My tolerance level for unacceptable behaviour is so low now that I'm not putting up with it. In one way it's a good thing I guess cos I'm changing and moving past the boundaries in my Type 9 personality of the Enneagram ie the Peacemaker and a Type 2, the Caretaker as I'm making myself uncomfortable .... and doing something that is out of character and building a stronger one. Probably won't make sense to those who don't understand the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com though that's fine as it makes sense to me. I'm growing that's all. It just feels alien and it's something I'm in a little shock about as I'm not sure where it's coming from ... perhaps it's hitting rock bottom and enough is enough that has forced the change in me. I've had enough.

Anyway I went to David Clulow around the corner in Bluewater and was treated much more professionally there and discovered that I have Prebyopia (ie where you have to move a book a distance away to read it -- eek) and that after 40 years of age, there's no stopping it really for anyone - that made me feel better. My prescription has also increased in strength and probably will in the next two years and at that time I may even need bifocals. Geez, do I have to grow old? (sighs). I work with guys that are in their early 20s and I'm the oldest one there, though I certainly don't look it. It's all in the mind I guess. It just has brought my mortality more in my thoughts.

I have been pondering the thought of a hair transplant on and off though I most likely won't do it as at times I look at my forehead and think I can handle it and it's not that bad though when I wash my face and hair, I can feel the space that wasn't there or rather was hair and not is no longer hair and is space where my forehead has increased and hairline increased too. That's upsetting.

I never thougth I'd wish my life away though I'm counting down the days for my next surgery in July which is now in 4 months and 1 week, which is 17 weeks. I work long hours and exercise afterwards so that the days go faster ... I'm trying to enjoy my days as well but am mainly living for July when I can complete my surgery and feel more whole within myself when I have my lower eyelid reconstruction, fat transfer in lower and upper eyelids and perhaps another left eyelash ptosis repair. I feel very incomplete at the moment, like something is missing. I do acknowledge that I do look so much better now than I did before my brow lift as my forehead looks so much better and I look so much younger (though that wasn't my intent), - it's just my left eye still bothers me and my wig helps me to hide the hollow in my left upper eyelid and I'm very self conscious still of my lower left eyelid droop though again I acknowledge that it is much much better than it was before. I've lived with this for over a year now and come July I'll have lived with it a year and a half. I just want to get on with my life; and when my full surgery is complete, I'll be able to hopefully no longer wear my wig (though I may keep it on till December - not sure yet - we'll see how long it takes for my bald patches to fill in).

I feel perhaps like one of those persons who is waiting for their surgery to transform from male to female or visa versa and until it is complete, they feel incomplete and unwhole and can't move on with their lives. It's hard to when you've got something hanging over you and you're so self conscious of it all the time. I understand obviously that their pain is much much more intense compared to mine.