Surgery 18th Dec 2006

Hi all,

My fifth eye surgery was on Monday 18th December 2006 where I had a hard palate graft on left eye, coleman fat transfer to both upper and lower, and upper eyelid reconstruction (ptosis repair).

I have a new blog on a different website. This third blog is private as I'd feel more comfortable sharing with others without Jane reading in (apologies Jane) as it is a diary after all.

The new blog is open to anyone - feel free to email me at Indiana0912@hotmail.co.uk for details. You'll need to register on the site, get a handle, let me know what your handle is and only then can I give you access to the private blog.

Best
Indi

p/s today I'm almost 4 weeks post op.

Follow up consult with Jane 2nd Nov 06

Firstly Blogger has added some new changes to their blog look and it's in the middle of a makeover phase ~ please be patient as the changes happen ~~ I still may change my blog to another website which has more features ~~ watch this space!

I had my follow up consult with Jane today, about 6-7 weeks before my next revision surgery with her in December.

Jane had a trainee doctor (or thereabouts) sitting in with her on the consult (I'm used to that now with Jane and am ok with it ie it doesn't feel intrusive). I've had Isolagen with Chris Inglefield before and I never felt comfortable with his nurse there at all consults. It felt like she was intruding.

Anyway, we started off with me going over the list I had the last time and the things that needed taking care of surgery wise. Jane is obviously very busy and reminders are very important for her.

From memory (and today it's a bit hazy), we again agreed that I'd have fat transfer to my lower eyelids and some to my upper left eyelid, raise the outer right eye (she gave it a technical term which just baffles me and I can't remember it), mentioned some other technical term about my right and left upper eyelid (which confused me a little as I didn't think anything was wrong with my right upper eyelid - only my left). Most of the time Jane is talking to the trainee doctor with these technical terms and mentioning them to me sometimes and I haven't a clue as to what she's talking about. Jane doesn't use layman's terms ie the normal person's language. It's a good job I know what I want and those at MMH have helped lots ~ otherwise I'd be freaking out. Oh yes and of course the most important of all which was the hard palate graft.

Per usual Jane's phone rings during the consult (sometimes I wonder why Jane brings her cellphone in with her at a consult and doesn't leave it with her assistant). Jane answered the phone 3 times during the consult, and left the room once for several minutes. While I'm ok with it, it did interrupt the session and I'm sure Jane's line of thought as well. Then again I'm sure Jane's assistant most likely would not want to answer Jane's calls and would probably come knocking on the door with questions for Jane about the calls.

When Jane left the room, the trainee doctor (or whatever it is that she is) and I chatted about my surgeries and she mentioned that Jane was very gifted. I have heard many people say this about Jane over the months ie at the Western Eye Hospital and also the Wellington Hospital with all the staff.

Jane reminded me of the possibility that any eye surgery could lead to blindness etc when operating on/around the orbital rim. She mentioned it and then there was silence ~ and I'm like, oh-kay, am I supposed to say, fine, then if there's death or possibility of blindness then I won't proceed? Jane's bedside manner could certainly be improved (smiles) ~~ then again who's perfect yeah? We all have our own quirks. My original butcher surgeon as I call him was always very professional and had lots of time for me though he didn't seem to have much of a clue as to eyes and their complications and how they work ~~ he just seemed to be a plastic surgeon with basic knowledge.

I'm too tired to write too much. When I left, I remember feeling slightly depressed and tired ~~ tired of all the surgeries I've had so far and feeling sad that I'll have to endure and recover from another surgery and start the recovery journey all over again. In the past 2 years, I've had a surgery every 6 months. I'm feeling tired of it all ~~ my body hasn't yet recovered from one surgery and I head straight into another. I feel exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. Just as I think I'm back to normal and in a routine again ~~ whoosh, I'm back into another surgery. I really don't want anymore after this and I have no idea what Jane means by "tweaking" after the next surgery. I just want my life back.

Oh and Jane mentioned that she most likely wouldn't be able to get rid of that lump that's been under my left eye since the original bleph. Hmm I should go back to my notes in the beginning of my meeting with Jane as I'm sure she mentioned to me then that it was possible, ie that I'd need the brow lift first to and then the other surgeries -- she seemed full of yeses then, ie that everything could be done; and now that I'm committed, I hear the reality of the situations ~~ which is quite unsetling. Especially as I mention the crinkling of the outer eye now in my left eye which was never there before and when I ask Jane if it can be resolved in the next surgery, she mentions no and the reasons why ie cos of the obicularis etc. I mean it was not there before, my left eye now has more difficulty shutting then before and Jane's response is just nope, the crinkling won't go - and only botox will get rid of it? I'm too tired to even discuss it further or question the fact that it's her last surgery that has caused my eye to crinkle and she can't fix it? There's no accepting of responsibility here either ~~ it's just yes or no ~~ Jane hadn't even commented on the fact that the left upper eyelid fat didn't take in the inner corner. Again perhaps it's the bedside manner ~~ I don't know anymore ~~ I'm just tired of this whole thing ~~ plain tired.

Bottom line is we both know what needs doing ~~ Jane says she can fix some stuff and some she can't and some she'll try her best. Mariel (I trust this is her name) from the MMH board mentions, if I recall, than we just have to keep trying till we get it right. A lot of my support has been from the MMH board and those like Mariel and Macherie (again I hope I've gotten their names right - yikes) who're familiar with the Hard Palate Graft etc as Jane certainly hasn't explained to me anything about the procedure or if there are any side effects and/or the success rate and/or how many she's done. Did I ask? Nope cos I forgot as my mind was in a twirl and I felt slightly depressed at the thought of yet another surgery, just as I'm getting my life back together again. And I'm in despair about the thought of the cost of it all especially as I've ordered a top up of Isolagen as well, which heavens only knows how I'm going to afford it. I understand how Ruby123 feels now - I'll email you shortly D in response to your email a couple of days ago re your follow up consult with Jane.

Best
Indi

Another long gap since posts

It's been another long gap since the last post ... life is just one big whoosh right now at work which is stir crazy and my involvement in helping my yoga teacher build a yoga website. It just seems to be all work, work, work right now and that I'm spending my whole life there; with barely much time at home before it's sleep and back to work again. Life just flies past.

My eyes feel strange, numb and my right eye (outer corner) feels hard to open fully. When I shut my eyes you can see the outer corners crinkle in and when I pull my outer eyes out, there's no crinkle. It feels easier to shut my right eye than my left eye which still looks weird when I photograph it. My left upper eyelid looks sleepy (like it's ptosis again). I need to talk to Jane about this when I see her in a couple of weeks' time.

The back of my head has been itching like crazy and I have this tendency to want to rub my forehead ie by my brow a lot of the time (kinda like an automatic impulse) as it feels *numb* so to speak in that area and I'm *comforting* it or just want to instinctively reassure myself that my forehead is still there or something.

I can't wait for this to be all over. I want my life to return to some form of normality.

I happened to stumble across a video clipping of myself taken about 2 years ago just before I had my first shot of Restylane for my jowl lines and just before my Isolagen and before my first bleph etc ... woah, I look so different! I looked so much older and tired in that picture and I definitely look much better now! Oh boy! It was interesting to note the difference.

It's been a while

It's been a while since I updated my blog - beginning of the month - about 3 and a half weeks. Much has been happening - mostly I've been ill with this horrible chesty cough since I got back from my second level yoga initiation in birmingham and I feel I've been to death and back with this chesty cough. I've had fevers, been sleeping straight up which didn't help much, coughed so hard all night my stomach muscles ached, had so much phlegm in my lungs and throat I've no idea where they came from! I just couldn't shake it and I refused to take any antibiotics as I'm all for holistic healing. My mom had something similar about 3 or 4 months ago and antibiotics didn't help her and she took 3 strengths all prescribed by the hospital. I come out in rashes all over my body when I take antibiotics and I just won't go there; and had been experimenting with holistic methods and towards the tail end of my chesty cough ie a few days ago I discovered natural antibiotics ie Collodial Silver. Better late than never! I had forgotten all about it.

I am feeling much better now though still have some phlegm in my lungs and throat. I haven't worked out since my surgery in June this year and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms plus my diet has gone out of the window and I've put on a few pounds. I need to get my stamina up and strong again before my next surgery in 3 months time.

Work has been crazy - issues again with the assistant who sits in front of me which came to a head last week - I stood up to her and she didn't like it and caused a great big fuss in the office, claiming that I'd upset her. Kinda like someone who tries to rub up against you in the tube and when you turn around and ask them to stop, they make a fuss and claim that they are completely innocent etc. So I brought the issue to HR and our managers got involved and I let nature take it's course. I know my worth and value in the firm, my strengths and weaknesses and I know the other assistant's worth too and well my teacher at school always said that empty vessels make the most noise. Life is too short to harbour anger and grudges as our experiences today becomes tomorrow's memories and I'd like my memories of life to be happy ones, filled with love and joy. All is well.

Eye wise, I still have scars at the outer ends of my eyes, my vision out of my right outer eye is poor as the outer corner has been stitched up too tight and needs cutting open or whatever, my left lower lid is very loose and when I wash my face and put my hands over my eyes, the left eye socket feels very hollow compared to the right eye socket which feels normal. My left upper eyelid fat transfer hasn't taken very well and when I have my lower eyelid transfer, more fat needs to be placed into my left upper eyelid socket. I'm still feeling very nervous about the hard palate graft and how I'll be when I go back to work. All the surgeries take so much out of me mentally, emotionally and physically not to mention financially.

More later ... I've got to go shopping.

To show differences in photos with flash and without on 1st Sept 06

The photos below were taken about 45 mins apart to the ones below on Friday 1st Sept 06, 3 months post surgery, with flash and without flash - to show the difference in how each picture comes out and how the eyes look and to also give a picture of how different my eyes look at different angles when I look at others in the eye. The first pix looks like my eyes are disfigured and lopsided. I'm tired of being too upset too much ... it is what it is.

Pictures 3 months post surgery - Fri 1st Sept 06

Pix taken 3 months post surgery - Friday 1st Sept 06

Comments similar to that below - this is a close up with the fringe moved out of the way a little. I did take another picture which shows yukky fatty tissue underneath the left lower eyelid ie where my lower eyelid bump has been for almost 2 years and which looks absolutely grotesque and which I was so upset about at the hairdressers last weekend. Where have my eyelashes gone???!!

Pix taken 3 months post surgery - Friday 1st Sept 06

Left lower eyelid droop seems worst in this pix (each pix shows different captures and angles), both eyes are different shapes, there's that keloid scar on the lower right eyelid which Jane said she can easily remove at the next surgery, and the right upper eyelid needs a bit more fat transfer on the inner corner

Scars & smarts

It's been over a week with my bad cough, sore throat and lungs and now today sinuses (cold) and it's draining. Everything hurts even my incision lines and areas underneath my eyes (outer) which smart to touch and for some reason they itch and the instinct is to touch them.

I'm surprised at the 3 month mark that I still have red incision lines on my outer eyes. It looks like red eye liner and can be seen through my make up when my make up wears off during the day though I can't really be bothered anymore (arrgh).

My eyes are still constantly changing, thou the lower eyelid retractions are always there as a permanent reminder. When I think ahead about the upcoming mouth graft in December, I do tremble at times re any pain and discomfort and I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of spending my life just waiting for revisions as my life seems to be on hold.

I watched a programme on tv last night re BDD where a woman who was beautiful felt ugly. There was a point in the programme where she agreed to remove all her make up in front of her friend (not the cameras) and it took her a lot of courage to do so. When she did, her friend commented on how beautiful and young she looked (we couldn't see anything as her back was to the camera); and then her friend kept on the dialogue that the woman was making up the fact that she was ugly, her skin was too pale etc etc to which the woman replied that she was glad she'd been to some therapy beforehand and was in a good space before she heard those comments, cos they are the very words that could potentially be damaging to a person with BDD, and also invalidating. It's very easy to speak without thinking about how our words affect another person and familes are a very good example of this where well meaning parents usually tend to be unable to convey their caring to their children, whatever age they may be. Take whatever message there is that jumps out at you - if it does or not, when you read my blog and view my pictures of my individual journey.

more to follow

3 months post surgery

I'm about the 3 month mark now post surgery and the last surgery was my 4th eye surgery and 3rd revision surgery.

I've been feeling very ill the past week with a really bad sore throat and cough and have been having lots of sleepless nights up coughing so hard every couple of mins, I couldn't sleep. I'm a little better though still have the cough.

I went to have my hair cut (last one was in May this year) and I'm happy with the cut, which is simple. My fringe is cut parted to the side, as that is how I prefer to wear it, and darn, my hair feels like a lion's mange (is that the right word?), as it feels so thick, and not the usual fine thin hair! Awesome, and thanks to Nourkrin! which I've now been on for about 7-8 months.

I looked awful at the hairdressers, especially sitting next to a beautiful 23 year old hairdresser who had perfect skin! My eyes looked like they were looking in different directions and I could see all the imperfections and I looked tired and haggard and I thought to myself, geez, all that money I've spent on my face the past year and a half and I still look tired and haggard. (sighs).

I took a pix of my new haircut today though it's not a suitable picture to share as it isn't a good comparison with the others as it's too small - so will have to wait.

When I look at myself in the mirror I still use my fingers to pull both lower eyelids up to see how they'll look, and pull my right outer upper eyelid up and that looks perfect and I think to myself, I sooooo soooooo sooooo hope the next revision surgery will be the very *last* one as I don't want to go through all that pain and recovery time again and financial strain. Even though private health cover part of it, what little I have had to pay and will need to pay is a burden on me as I have other bills and debts to uphold in life and there are priority things that need to be taken care of in the house repairs that are long overdue that have needed to take a back seat cos of these revisions. I haven't had a holiday for almost 6 years now (Miami last year doesn't count cos I met that a-hole there ... bah).

My washing machine has also broken down (has been for the past year and I think it's had it's last legs after 10 years and I need another one .... though can I?). My financial credit isn't so good right now (yikes).

I had much more to share last nite though have forgotten what I wanted to share.

I looked at some recent pictures of myself and I don't look the same person anymore. Each time I look at myself in the car mirror or any mirror, all I see are the lower eyelid droops in both eyes and the different upper eyelid curve in my right eye which gives the right and left eye different shapes. They look worst when I'm tired and my eyes are like half open. My heart sinks each time I see my reflection.

2 and a half months post surgery + 8 months post surgery

I'm 2 and a half months post my second revision with Jane and 8 months post surgery my first revision with Jane ie the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction etc. I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis. Sometimes I glimpse into the mirror and wow, I see someone totally different and my eyes look good though on closer inspection I can see the irregularities that still need fixing, ie the lower left eyelid retraction, the right eye being a different shape to the left eye and the crooked fly's legs for my eyelashes (I haven't used mascara for two and a half months as it just won't sit on my eyelashes - they just won't curl up - it's like they are broken ... very strange).

This last revision with Jane has had an impact and things are improving slowly. My right outer eyelid isn't feling as tight as it was though it still feels claustrophobic and when I take an impromptu picture on my cellphone, you can see the difference in eye shapes and the dip in the right outer upper eyelid - the pictures below don't reflect that. Each time I take a picture it seems to show something different, depending on the angle that the picture is being taken at. Sometimes my lower left retraction doesn't look so bad and sometimes it looks bad - again depending on the angle and which direction I'm looking. Obviously when I'm talking to people and in normal mode, my eyes are looking everywhere and not straight like it is when a picture is being taken, ie in 3D mode, people will see my eyes look in all kinds of directions, up down, left, blinking etc - oh yeah and I still blink really slow and my best friend said sometimes I only half blink and don't shut my eyes when I blink.

I fell asleep for 30 mins as a nap this afternoon and oh boy my eyes were really burning and hot. Obviously my eyes weren't shutting (sighs) - though as it was such a short time, my eyes didn't get to that stage where they started watering and getting really painful.

When I wake in the mornings, I can feel the ache in my outer eye muscles (obicularis (?)) and during the day as well I can feel them throbbing and aching still. I do spend a lot of time in the mirror at work and when I look at my reflection, pulling my eyelids up to see how they will finally look. I pull my right outer eyelid out a bit more as my vision is blurred and pull the right lower eyelid up a bit; and I pull the left lower eyelid up and out as well and voila, perfect eyes (smiles). The lower eyelid hollows don't bother me as much now that my right cheek infection went down (whew) though the area is still scarred ie is red and shows through my make up. It looks like a birth mark though is fading, thankfully.

Much to do ... always so much to do .... the past two and a half months have flown past and I'm just soooooo thankful I don't have to wear a wig anymore. That was such a traumatic time in my life - every second of it. My hair now is so much more thicker thanks to Nourkrin - I've just started the maintenance programme of Nourkrin; and it's made such a difference. When I part my hair I can still see the Y-V incision lines on my scalp and most of them are covered by hair (I think - as i haven't checked all of them - there are 3. They are mostly able to be disguised though I still as yet can't part my hair on the left as the left incision area is still growing hair back after 8 months. Oh yeah and I've parted my hair on the right so that my fringe is covering my left eye which has the lower eyelid retraction and hides my left eye as I'm embarassed by my left lower eyelid retraction which in normal day to day life at work does show up.

Picture update Sat 12th Aug 06

I spent some time today taking some pictures, at 10 weeks post op and have spent the past hour and a half cropping them and adding to my blog. It is very time consuming and sometimes I just don't feel up to it though I made an effort tonite to tick it off my to do list as I know in the long run, I'll be glad I did it when I come to read my blog back for reference purposes and to see how far I've come.

The photos below show my eyes as I see them in real life, ie crooked, and just looking weird and different, with different shapes and looking like they are looking in different directions. I've cropped them so you can only see the eyes though when you see the full face, it again takes on a different life of it's own, though I won't show the full face for obvious reasons, ie my privacy.

I'm glad Jane can see what I see and hopefully the next surgery will be the last one. My finances just can't take another hit again. I'm just not living life, as everything is going into paying off for my surgeries, and I'm on such a tight budget.

Sat 12th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post op
Eye shapes are different, red incision lines still visible on lower lids

Sat 12th Aug - 10 weeks post op
Eyes looking down. Eyes look abnormal and bulging out of the eye socket plus there's schleral show on the top left eyelid. Gross! I wonder if I hadn't been put to sleep when under local and had been able to follow instructions if the eyes would be more even. Incisions lines on lower eyelids can be seen to outers Fri 11th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post op
With flash - looking sideways. Redness in right eye, incision lines can still be seen as can lower lid retraction in both eyes with lots of white scheleral showing - something's not quite right

Sat 12th August 06 - 10 weeks post op
Slightly looking left - eyes look like they're looking in different directions and there's a lump under my right eye which has been there since surgery. Jane said this can be taken care of next surgery and snipped off. It looks like a keloid scar.

People's flicks continue

People are still continuing to flick away at their eyes when they talk to me and it's driving me crazy!!!

We had to move desks yesterday and I had to speak to a number of people ie the removal men, computer men and telephone guys etc and a few of them flicked away at their eyes when talking to me, subconsciously and it's the same ie pulling up of their outer eyelid (ie like where my left lower eyelid retraction is). They just stand there and pull up their outer eyelid and it really gets to me at times cos they all seem to do that ie either pull up of their outer eyelid and/or flick away at their lower eyelid. (sighs). Arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!

My lower eyelids have been smarting a lot ie flickers, throbs and spasms of small sharp pain - I'm assuming it's nerves regenerating or something like that - it's in the incision areas in the lower eyelids. I'm in Week 9 post surgery this week I believe which is just over the 2 month mark.

When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes do look ok but hey who am I kidding, with all these people who keep pulling up their lower eyelids whenever they talk to me (bah!). I wonder if I'm just so used to seeing my left lower eyelid retraction that I've stopped seeing it so much now. Well I do see it, but it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be and is so much better. Surely people can't be that aware of it. I dunno anymore. Arrrgh!

I need to do a picture of myself showing my eyes how they should be. At the moment the outer eye corner is a few mms below the inner eye corner and I read somewhere that the level of the outer eye corner should be about 2mm above the level of the inner eye corner (if this makes sense). I'll have to do a picture to show where my outer eye corner should be, that would look normal in a female. My outer eye corners droop quite far down from my inner eye corner and are too round (well the right eye is more round than the left eye. A picture speaks a thousand words (smiles).

I don't know where time flies but I find it so hard to get time these days. I have so much to do and so many obligations and I haven't been feeling too well either. Cleansing from the yoga weekend a few weeks ago. I'm going back for another yoga weekend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.

Indi

Changes & Jane's summary

My eyes are changing weekly and I am noticing the difference. I was massaging and pulling up my right eyelid cos I can't see too well from it and it seems to have made a difference to the vision though it's still uncomfortable and feels tight. There'll obviously be more subtle changes over the following weeks/months before the next revision.

When I roll my eyes around in my head I can still feel what feels like stitches, though Jane said it was gristle. Question is: will that stuff always be there and/or will it disappear and if it's gristle, why does it feel so hard like it's stitches? Does it scratch the cornea etc?

Jane's letter which arrived pleasantly early (last letter she sent was a month after my surgery!), it 2-3 days after my consult, summarised:

Upper eyelids
Right upper eyelid has a small lateral droop and lash ptosis. Left upper lid has a small lateral lash ptosis which will need further everting. The right eye shape is rounder than the left, which is oval, which is due to some weakening of a right lateral canthal tendon which will require tightening and elevating with a lateral periosteal strip.

Lower lids
The left lower lid is still retracting more than the right lower lid and there are still some hollow areas in the tear trough region. Will require bilateral lower eyelid Coleman fat and placement of hard palate mucosal grafts, together with the left lateral canthal tightening as there has been some loosening of her left lower lid since procedure in June.

Price for the surgery including hospital costs and follow up consults is around the £6,500 mark. Ouch! I haven't even sat down to count how much it's cost me in the 4 surgeries so far for my eyes. It's approximately in the region of £23,000 including this next 5th one. £3,500 for the first bleph, 1st revision was free with the original first surgeon, approx £7,500 for brow lift and upper bilateral etc in Dec 05, approx £6,000 for the 2nd revision and £6,500 for the next and hopefully last revision. And it will have taken over 2 years of my life. If I'd known all of this would I have ever started? Nope. Certainly not. I'd had the ptosis which was getting bad though I would probably have waited till it affected my vision before I got Moorfields Hospital to take a look at it. Thou it's happened and if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Dec 05 to July 06 pixs

I chose some photos from before any surgery to July 06, after my 4th bleph and revision, 9 weeks ago. I'm feeling a little sad tonite from the change of shape in my eyes at week 9 post this last revision. Jane is going to snip open my right outer eyelid and do an elevation with a lateral periosteal strip and give it back the shape it should be in line with the left eye and so I can see properly again. There's no point in being upset that it wasn't done right in the first place - I'm just tired of going there. Let's just focus on correcting it and moving on with life.

2 month post surgery follow up consult with Jane Olver

I had my 2 month post op follow up surgery with Jane Olver today. It certainly is always interesting when I have my consults with Jane in Harley Street (smiles!

I felt for Jane today and my heart went out to her as her assistant decided to answer back and be argumentative in front of me, the client, while I was having my consult.

I emphatised with Jane as I've experienced her assistant's abruptness and argumentativeness over the phone a few times when I've needed answers and the reaction I received back was not something I'd expect of a professional medical secretary working in Harley Street. While at times she can be nice, the assistant can be quite abrupt and scary and perhaps too direct and blunt, without taking other people's feelings into consideration.

Jane is such a nice person and I felt her assistant could have chosen a more polite time to choose to be argumentative and answer back to Jane when asked to assist and certainly not during a consultation and in front of a client. If her assistant had issues, it wasn't the right time to bring them up and she could have chosen to behave professionally as a medical sec and/or any other assistant would have done especially in front of a client.

I so wanted to reach out and give Jane a hug -- auuuww. She was really upset and I could understand as hey I'm a secretary myself in the banking industry and I totally understand secretary/manager relationships having had my fair share of them, though in front of a client is something completely different.

Maybe I don't see the side of Jane that her assistant sees though I, like any normal person, can pick up and sense another person's energies and I don't sense a mean bone in Jane's body to warrant or justify the treatment she received from her assistant today. No one did. I hope Jane manages to resolve things and that they calm down and everyone makes their peace soon, and that Jane's assistant apologies to her.

When her assistant left the building, the energy changed completely and it was amazing!!

Anyway, back to the consult.... I shared my thoughts with Jane about my eyes ie:

- right eye vision - can't see too well out of corner (too tight)
- keep wanting to pull right corner eyelid up so I can see as it feels too tight
- right lower eyelid has a lump from the incision
- right eyebrow raises when left eye shuts
- right lower eyelid hollow
- left lower eyelid is retracted
- left lower eyelid lump
- left inner eyelid fat transfer slightly less (from when that cyst happened)
- Dry eyes in both eyes and keratitis
- More so in left eye daily ie feels hot and burning sensations
- Left eyelid sticks to eyeball in the morning when opening even when using Lacrilube
- Both eyes have different shapes ie left eyelid more almond and right more round
- When I roll my eyes in my socket, it feels gritty, like there are stitches

In between discussing all this, the phone rang, text msgs happened, she had to go to see her secretary a few times and her secretary decided to instigate an argument of all days, in the middle of MY consult! (smiles). It's ok. As long as Jane didn't cut short my time, I was ok with it, and she had specifically made me her last appointment so she could give me ample time which was nice :).

So anyway the consult was disrupted a few times. I felt her assistant could have assisted more than she did instead of being argumentative .... geez. Jane was certainly very patient with her - if that was my assistant, I may have reacted differently. Jane did very well to keep her cool (bravo Jane).

To cut a long story short, as everything was in snippets in between telephone calls and secretaries etc, Jane was able to see all that I pointed out above which was great for me. As she says I know my own eyes. She did suggest restylane for the left lower eyelid retraction as she said she was hesitant to do another surgery as she didn't want me to keep having surgery after another though understood my views against hydraulic acid; and I wasn't keen on spending £600 or more every 6 months or so and suffering the pain of injections which I don't like at the best of times.

So we agreed on the mucoscal hard graft palate in both eyes, more so on the left than on the right and something else on the right outer eyelid to raise it. She did call it by it's technical name but I've forgotten it - my memory isn't good. I'll have to wait for her letter. Possibly fat transfer to the lower eyelids as there isn't enough fat in the tear trough especially the right eye to reposition and also on the left. I'm not sure what she's going to do with the left lower eyelid lump - I don't think we got to that part with all the interruptions going on - or we may have and then got interrupted again.

Jane spotted the "fly legs" as I call it on my left upper eyelashes and said that needs addressing again as it's not right, and something about my right eyelashes as well - they just aren't curling up as they ought to.

I said I hoped that when I have this operation it'll be the last ever and Jane said hopefully though there'll need to be touch ups (I'm not sure what that means - though hope it's nufin expensive!).

We agreed a date of 18th Dec 06 for my next surgery (which will be 7 months from this recent surgery). Jane said I had to wait at least 6 months.

Jane took some pictures at the end, and asked me to pose in certain positions and showed me the pictures afterwards. I'm glad she could see what I'd been referring to as she'd taken pictures of my eyes as I see them, ie when they look horrible and "deformed" as I call it. She explained a few reasons technically but yikes I've forgotten already! (shucks).

So the summary as I shared with Jane, in my thoughts were, use the mucosal hard palate graft to lift the lower eyelids and tighten up and pull out the right side and fat transfer to the lowers and we're good to go!! Yup, she said :). She seemed confident enough and didn't add anything else and agreed with me. We seemed to be on the same wavelength. She added in the upper eyelashes which I hadn't brought up even though I noticed it.

Jane did comment that my observational powers are heightened. Comes with experience and age and is earned. :) I did share with her that my self esteem suffers because of all the looks I get and the people who rub their eyes and flick away at their eyes when they talk to me. I deal with it as I have to though it still eats away at me inside and my heart does sink just cos I usually have forgotten about how my eyes are as they're much better then they were and when people do that, even if it's subconsciously it just reminds me and brings me back to reality with a bump, that the journey is far from over yet and I need to keep on my toes instead of being relaxed about it all.

No need to see Jane for a follow up now until approx October, 3 months from now and/or just before the surgery.

Slideshow of journey so far the past 8 weeks

I don't have time to write much tonite as I've much to do, or post replies. This sharing is all mainly for my own benefit, is very catharthic and healing for me to get it all out of my system as friends and family just don't understand - heck, even those who've been through surgery don't understand unless they've been through exactly what I've been through and walked in my shoes, having lived the life I've lived, and with the circumstances in my life etc .... so my blogger is my personal diary and those of you reading in are reading my personal private thoughts in a diary. Everyone's journey is individual to them and mine won't necessarily reflect what will happen to you. We all heal differently and handle what life throws at us differently, based on who we are, what we've learnt and where we come from and most importantly the programming based on our childhood will equate to how we react to our circumstances in life. Take what you need, per usual, and let the rest go.



I have my follow up appointment with Jane tomorrow. This should be interesting as I've a whole wide range of emotions, and lots of frustration, amongst happy ones as well. Looking at my journey on the slideshow since the 5th June 06 eight weeks ago certainly shows me how far I've come in my journey and there's a mixture of emotions looking at the sequence of events unfolding.

This morning I felt like a broken down doll which someone has tried to mend together, with snippets of spare parts. I'd looked at myself in the mirror while my head was down and my eyes looked up and my eyes looked all out of place and crooked and my heart sank (sighs). That's when I felt like a broken doll. :(

Slideshow is not perfect and I find it frustrating that it zooms in on the right eye when I want to look at BOTH eyes at the same time (grins), then hey, it's what's available easily on offer. I've tried to look out there for much more effective slideshows but I just don't have the time. The days I get to flick through my blog and see the journey I've come through so far is very healing and catharthic. Thou it does hurt to see my eyes after my very first surgery in Dec 2004 on my other eye blog (link at the top of this page).

For what it's worth, I'm a webmaster, have my own various new age and healing websites and support forums for about 9 years and this is second nature to me, plus I type at over 110 words a minute, as I work on the computers and have done the past 20 years. I can type as fast as I think and the keyboard just can't keep up with me at times. It's healing to hear myself think and the words appear on screen - that's the catharthic part for me. It's like validation.

Week 9 post surgery Pictures

AOL broadband drives me crazy - I pay top of the rates and AOL and blogger - not sure which - keep hanging all the time I try to post any pictures or get onto the internet. AOL is just as slow at times now that I'm on broadband when I was on dial up. DOH!!!

I'm completely exhausted from the weekend and need to get some sleep. Managed to find my camera which was in the bedroom. Took a couple of pixs and will share more in the next day or so.

(**^&%^^ - blogger just doesn't want to work with loading pictures so I'll have to resort to old faithful http://www.imageshack.us. It's taken me half an hour just to get this far and wait for everything to load up - what should have just taken 5 mins or so. Bah!

Pictures : Week 8 post surgery Sun 30 July 06

It's been a busy weekend painting my kitchen and I've been busy with my yoga breathing and meditations and getting a routine going. I could use more hours in the day and didn't have a weekend last week cos of the yoga weekend workshop.

I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.

I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.

I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.

Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!

Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.

Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?

My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.

But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.

I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.

Week 8 post op : Thurs 27 July 06

I think I got my calculations all wrong and I'm now in my 8th week of recovery - well I'm sure that's how I counted it on the calendar. Mon 5th June being my surgery date.

In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).

When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.

I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.

It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.

My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.

Tues 25 July 06

Today I woke up with my left eye smarting, red and tearing and feeling every so painful. I kept wanting to rub it and it felt like I had lots of grit in my eye. The frustrating part was I can no longer lift any skin from my upper eyelid as there's not much there nor on my lower eyelid to see if I can move the grit though I have a feeling it was the stitches I could feel. All I wanted to do was roll my eyes to get rid of that gritty feeling which was very uncomfortable.

The feeling continued throughout the day at work (I think it's keratitis - which is the inflamation of the cornea). My left eye had tears flowing down all day and I was constantly using a tissue to wipe away the tears and using the tissue to rub my outer eye where I could feel the discomfort of the grit or stitch. It just felt like a knot inside my outer eye. It was a particularly bad day and my right lower eyelid kept throbbing and was quite painful.

At this stage, at 7 weeks post surgery, it feels my eyes have still a way to go yet of healing. And noting yesterday that my left upper eyelid fat transfer seems to be subsiding just made my heart miss a beat. Oh nooooo! It seemed ok today though it's not looking good if at 7 weeks there's signs of the fat disappearing. The right upper eyelid seems fine, per before. I don't understand this. I must ask Jane for her thoughts. I hope I get the opportunity to ask her all the questions I would like to.

My eyes still feel very uncomfortable when I blink. However when I use my fingers to support my outer eyes, the blink feels good and normal ie they don't have far to move meaning the lower eyes don't have far to move when I hold them up to where I feel they should be. Both the left eye and right eye feel different levels of discomfort when I shut them.

When I try and use eyeliner on my eyes, my right eye is fine though when I try to shut my left eye and use eyeliner, the eye is all puffy and I can't shut it too well and my right eyebrow raises so that my right eye can see properly. I'm perplexed with all these things happening to my eyes and eyebrows. I'd like to understand what's going on and sooooo need Jane to explain them to me hopefully in layman's terms (smiles) next week.

My right eyebrow feels bruised in the middle and is sore to the touch - it's been like this for a while though seems to be getting worse. Again this is something else I don't understand and wonder if it's related to the fat transfer injection and/or the brow lift. Must ask Jane. Note to self.

Met an old friend for dinner tonite whom I hadn't seen for 3 months; and was dreading he'd notice my lower left eyelid droop though he didn't say anything. I mentioned it to him after ie that I'd had surgery 7 weeks ago (he knew about my previous surgeries) and he said he could see the lagopthalmus when I shut my eyes though hadn't noticed the lower left eyelid droop. I did feel better whew though feel cos of his age, he's not too bothered about people's eyes and small details like that - he's almost 50 (not that that's old!). I've known him for 24 years now. Wow! On the way back to the car, he kept saying how young I looked. Interesting. I said it was my eye surgery - he said nah, it was cos I hadn't had kids.

Monday 24th July 06 - 7 weeks post op

I had an amazing weekend being initiated into Level 1 of Babaji's Hatha Kriya Yoga at the Murugan Temple! Wow! The workshop was intense and yet inspiring from start to finish and the yoga postures were very familiar and brought back wonderful memories from childhood as I did most of those postures as a child for fun ie crab pose, fish pose, shoulder stand, plough etc! I feel wonderful and now have a inspirational set of breathing and meditation exercises to do every morning plus yoga postures which will make a big difference. I feel so alive and connected to life. Anyway, onward with my sharing on my eyes....

Over the weekend, probably Sunday, because my right eye outer corner feels so tight and the eyebrow lifts each time I shut my left eye cos it can't see properly, and it just doesn't feel or look right, I was drawn to taking a ruler to see if the outer eye tip corners were level and hmm, nope they are not. The right outer eye corner/tip (if you understand what I mean) is much lower than the left outer eye retraction and especially so when I lift the left lower eyelid outer eye (which will happen when the spacer is introduced). It explains now why my right upper eyebrow lifts when my left eye is shut, ie cos the right eye shape is all different and curves in too much. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. I am hoping it's something that Jane can correct ie if it's been oversewn etc and hope it's not something that is irreversible.

The other thing I noticed this afternoon in the mirror in the bathroom at work was that oh noooooo, my left upper eyelid is starting to show signs of that crinkle again ie where the fat disappears. (sniffles). I hope it doesn't go back to how it was before surgery on the 5th June - that would be terrible. I don't know much about Coleman Fat Transfer though I didn't think that the fat would disappear too much with Coleman considering that excess fat is injected. Another topic to discuss with Jane.

At the yoga workshop the teacher had to look at my eyes when they were shut to watch me do a breathing meditation and I saw him looking at my left eye which doesn't close ie the lagophtalmus (I felt very self conscious). Then when he was checking my breathing technique again later he rubbed at both his outer eyes when looking at me - most likely sensing what I'd had done with his intuition as I didn't think my scars could be seen. Then later, whenever he'd speak with me, he'd flick away at his left eye (which mirrors mine) which I'm getting used to now though it still makes my heart sink and I feel very sad about the way my eyes look. There's nothing I can do about it but live with it until the next revision.

At least I have my yoga breathing and meditation techniques now (smiles) and my hatha kriya yoga postures and I'm happy (smiles). I meet with Jane for my follow up consult next Weds and I'm very intrigued as to her take on matters on my healing journey so far. I think she'll be disappointed though it's a question of continuing to try. 6 months from now ie December hopefully would be an appropriate time for another revision and I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The right eye being too tight feels very claustrophobic at times and I want to just automatically raise my eyebrows to lift my eyes open as it doesn't feel right and/or I'll use my fingertips to raise and pull out my outer eyes for a bit of relief.

A copy of my post on MMH's eye forum http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=20601.

Om Kriya Babaji Nama Aum
Indi

Friday 21 July 06 - 6 weeks 4 days post op

Last nite while I was moisturing my face, I noticed that when I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, my right upper eyebrow lifts up automatically cos my right eye can't see properly (ie vision is blocked) and if I close my right eye, my left eye is normal and the eyebrow doesn't move. Arrggggh!! It was quite freaky. I only experimented cos I'd mentioned last nite on my blog that I'd been noticing more and more that my right side of forehead, right upper eye and right corner of the eye had numb sensations all down and the right outer eye feels tight and looks tight and I'm hoping it's all temporary and it'll ease up at some point in the next few weeks and return to some form of normality (fingers and toes crossed). It's another point I'll have to remember to mention to Jane.

I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.

There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.

Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.

So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.

I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.

Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...

I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....

6 weeks 3 days post op - Thurs 20 July 06

My left outer eye feels wind blown and dry a lot, as well as hot and at nite, when I wake during the middle of the night, both eyes feel very dry even though I'm using Lacrilube. My blink is very slow motion and is an effort.

My outer eyes on both eyes still feel tight (Jane mentioned this would happen) though I'm not sure if this is permanent and/or temporary. My right outer eye feels tighter than my left outer eye - by outer eye I mean the outside corner of the eyes. It feels that Jane sewed (for use of a word) my left outer eye more than my left eye as I can't open my right eye as wide as I can my left eye which feels it has more movement whereas my right eye feels tight and restricted and at times claustrophobic. It doesn't feel normal; and I'm not even sure if it's something permanent or temporary - I'll need to ask Jane this when I see her week after next. At times I feel it's too tight and I keep thinking that hopefully it's reversible and when Jane does the next revision, she can untighten it or something ... I hope so as I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like I can't open my right eye fully and that it's sewn shut partially at the outer corner.

It has changed the shape of my right eye slightly and my outer upper eyelid seems to curve down more than my left upper eyelid shapewise. Could be related to the numb feeling below - I'm not sure.

Lately my right upper eye area has been feeling numb including my right side of the forehead. I thought it was the endoscopic numb feeling but I don't think I've felt this numbness in my right upper eye and side before - it all seems related to the incision area where the fat transfer went into as that specific "hole" or injection is numb and the area down from it. It feels weird and is a sensation that I hope will eventually go away / heal. It's that feeling you get at the dentist when he's injected anaethesthic into your gums and you can't feel a thing. The area on my left upper eye/side and forehead feel normal.

My incision lines on my lower and upper eyelids are still very prominent. Now that I'm typing my right outer eyelid feels claustrophically tight and it's very uncomfortable - I try to not think about it too much. The itchiness has subsided a little.

It's been very hot at night - 30 degrees C upstairs in the bedroom!

Weds 19 July 06 - 6 weeks 2 days post op

It is over a week since I sent Jane my last email which she still has not replied to yet nor has her sec responded to my email question to her re Isolagen. I know one other person who is still waiting for Jane to respond to her email and is wondering what the delay is all about; and I also know someone new who's just written to Jane in the past few days and whom Jane responded to straight away as it was regards a consult. I'd like to think that Jane isn't responding to me and this other patient of hers because she's so busy and she can't email back properly just yet and it may have slipped her mind and not cos she can't be bothered. Deep down it's still upsetting though as it feels unprofessional considering how much her fees are.

I saw her invoice for the day when I had my stitches out (3 weeks post surgery) and it was for £325 (ouch!). £175 for the consult, £125 for the stitch removal and the remainder on something else that was not mentioned (perhaps the ointment?) or the removal of the fat transfer knee stitches? Even though it's private, one still feels rushed like one is on a conveyor belt and waiting for the next patient. (sighs).

On Monday one of the other assistants in the team rubbed at her eye exactly where my lump and/or lower left eyelid retraction is and my heart sank as each day I see someone doing that (sighs).

My outer eyes still feel tight and it must be cos Jane's sewn up the outer eyes or tightened the obicularis or whatever it's called in an attempt to bring the lower eyelid retraction up but it hasn't really worked. In my humble thoughts I feel I need spacers where the areas were sewn up to bring those corners up. I keep using my fingers to push up my left and right lower eyelids in the outer corners and they look nice when I do that - so hopefully perhaps that'll get done one day. I just wonder normally where the spacers go in the lower eyelid - I must ask Mariel and Macherie on the MMH board (I'm not sure which one of them already has the spacer and whom is still waiting!)

My scalp is still itchy and tender and I feel it'll be this way for a few more months yet. A few days ago I found a couple of stitches still poking out of my left knee - I was nervous about what to do so I tried to snip them off but they were still sticking out and so I used a magnifying mirror and tweezers and grabbed onto one and tried to see if it'd budge and hmmm, out it slipped!! I was glad that it was easy though I was nervous it could be something really long!!! No one has ever left stitches in me before!!

I haven't been taking photos as regularly and haven't taken photos daily either - I must try and do some tonite!!

I'm wearing eye make up to work and to me it hides the red scarring though at 6 weeks I thought they'd be gone by now. The outer scars are still itchy and feel tight and sometimes my right outer eye feels that it can't open that wide and is limited in it's movement cos the outer eye has been sewn up (I know my language could improve but I don't know the right terminology)! I wonder if it's normal to sew up the outer eyes? My eyes do seem smaller and they're just different and not symmetrical obviously cos one is larger than the other though it's early days of healing yet right now and my eyes change daily/weekly.

I still do feel irritated and disappointed Jane didn't email back to both my emails even if just to acknowledge them. It just feels unprofessional. Perhaps it's her lack of admin skills - then again she did respond immediately to the lady who had asked for a consultation. Grrrr :)

Pixs showing lower eyelid fat/lump/uneveness etc (17 July 06)

Interesting set of photos below taken with my eyes squinting / smiling to show the lower eyelid fat etc in various stages of my reconstructive surgeries or revisions. The photo taken today (top one) I find interesting cos my left eye is larger than my right eye when squinting - and it's even worst when the flash is on ... how interesting.

Sun 17 July 06 - 6 weeks post op - 4th reconstrutive surgery (upper eyelid fat transfer, ptosis repair to upper eyelid and eyelash, lower eyelid fat repositioning). It was interesting to note that my left eye even when squinting is larger than my right eye.

31 Dec 05 - 3 weeks post 3rd reconstructive op (Y-V endo brow lift, upper eyelid reconstruction)
19 Dec 2005 - 2 weeks post 3rd reconstructive surgery lower eyes - and that fatty left lump - ergh!

Pictures with eyes closed

Day 25 post the Dec 2005 surgery (3rd reconstructive surgery)
March 06 - taken 4 months post my 3rd reconstructive surgery (Y-V endo broww lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction) showing lagophthalmus

Sat 15 July 06 - taken 6 weeks post op 4th reconstructive surgery (upper eyelid fat transfer, upper eyelid ptosis repair, eyelash repair, lower eyelid fat repositioning and orbicularis tightening to superior orbital rim - eyes shut - lagophthalmus

13 June 06 - 7 days post 4th surgery - eyes closed

The pictures above show my eyes through various stages of lagophthalmus with my eyes shut. I've mentioned below the pictures the various dates the pictures were taken - some were taken after the December 2005 Y-V endo brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction for comparison to this recent 4th reconstructive surgery in June 2006 (upper eyelid fat transfer, and lower eyelid fat repositioning plus orbicularis tightening etc).

I've yet to take pictures with me smiling to show the ikky looking misplaced fatty blubber of fat and lumps underneath my lower eyes and also hollows. It looks gross. I'll show them in comparison with my old photos shown smiling. I didn't know they were that bad until Jane pointed them out to me.

Bed Wedge/ Sleeping Upright

6 weeks post surgery and I'm still sleeping upright on my bed wedges. After my last surgery in Dec 05, I slept on the bed wedge for about 3-4 months before I started sleeping straight. I just didn't feel comfortable sleeping straight - and with this latest eye surgery with my eyes feeling fat as they are (with the fat transfer) I do NOT want any more feelings of fat in my eyes or feelings of swelling .... ergh! I'm sure that's what contributes to my vision bluriness.

Hot & Dry Eyes

My left outer eye has been feeling extremely dry today even when I use lots of eye drops. It feels hot on the outer eye (inside the eye) and feels the wind blowing in the eye - just generally dry and very uncomfortable and my vision in the left eye is extremely blurry most of the time - especially when I watch tv and I have to keep blinking my eyes. Even wearing glasses doesn't help and it's a nightmare going shopping as I can't read any of the small print on the groceries even with my glasses sometimes. Very frustrating.

Nourkrin Maintain

I purchased 3 months' worth of Nourkrin Maintain http://www.nourkrin.co.uk for my hair thinning issue. My hair is thicker and has grown in places though the front of my scalp's incision line still hasn't grown even baby hairs yet and is still very sore 7 months post surgery. My left incision on scalp is growing but is still only baby hair growth and my right incision on scalp is growing more and that's where my parting has been. I'm grateful for my hair being back to some form of normality where I can hide certain things as my hair is one thing that I have been able to feel good about in me as a lot of people like my hair condition ie shine and style and to have lost that all those months and to wear the wig was just soul destroying. I felt a part of me had died though now is back (whew).

Friday 14th July 06 : almost 6 weeks post op

Almost 6 weeks post up from my lower eyelid reconstruction, upper eyelid and eyelash ptotis repair, upper eyelid fat transfer and lower eyelid fat repositioning, and about 7 months post op from my Y-V Endo Brow Lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction (including ptotis repair) (whew) that was a handful to write and it's not detailed and is only a summary!!!

My scalp is still itchy and sore - a lot of it is focused in the Y-V incision that sits in front of my scalp where the hair is still not growing and which one of the hairdressers said he didn't think would grow back there. There's not even any signs of life or little hair there where the V incision is. I'll take a photo at some point soon and post here to show. The incision on my sides have grown but not the front - it's worrying and I hope it's something that will rectify itself at some point in the near future. The hair in the front of my head is still thin (though I am able to hide it thankfully with my fringe) and my hairline has gone higher to make my forehead look higher though the fringe hides that fact. I never thought of all these things before I had my brow lift as I didn't know. I only read them on the internet after.

My outer eyes feel dry and tight, not so itchy these past day or so, and it doesn't feel weird or like my eyes are going to pop up when I bend down to pick something off the floor.

Jane's letter to my GP said I had bilateral upper eyelid eversion, with minimal blepharoplasty, bilateral lower eyelid exploration, repositioning of fat and skin flaps with obicularis tightening to the superior orbital rim. What's obicularis tightening? Hmm, I'm gonna do a search and see what that means - I think it means she tightened up the muscles on the side of my eyes ie the outer eyes.

I still haven't used mascara to see whether my eyelash ptosis on the left upper eyelash has been rectified though I did experiment a week or so ago and my lashes on both upper eyelids seemed "crooked" ie like they'd been bent through a machine as they couldn't straighten out - it looked comical - like a fly with a crooked leg!! (grins). Then I tried again a few days later and both eyelashes seemed to be ok, albeit crooked though I think it's too early to tell as they seem in recovery mode.

My left eye definitely seems larger than my right eye and I'm getting people mirror me again ie a few people keep flicking at their eyes ie same as mine on the left outer eye, plus also brush away where my right cheek infection is. I think they're doing it subsconsciously though it does upset me cos it just bring home that it is something obvious - even if it obvious from a subsconscious point of view of the other person. (sniffles).

My thoughts and emotions are vacillating all the time and while I thought the other day that I'd want to wait till March 2007 to have my next reconstruction, now I feel very self conscious again cos of all those at work who keep flicking their eyes and oh yeah, yesterday we went out for a team outing to the park and I went with a few girls from the office on the tube there. I didn't have my glasses on nor did I have any eye make up on and while the girls were talking to me, I could see them looking at my eyes and one of them also started subconsciously flicking at her eyes ie where my left lower eyelid droop / retraction is and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole ... I felt very self conscious - just like Tyra feels that the whole of the UK is looking at her nose in the papers the past week which was damaged by her cocaine use. It's soul destroying. No matter how tough we are, these things cut us up inside. How we look is important and I'm so tired of looking like a freak and disfigured and people feeling sorry for me, wondering why my eyes are the way they are and perhaps feeling sorry for me cos they know I've had plastic surgery gone wrong. So I felt that I need to finish my reconstruction journey as soon as I can so I can get back to normality as now there's no way I'm going to take off my glasses when I'm with people at work and am going to hide behind them; plus I've started using eyeliner so that my scars are hidden and my eyes look hidden etc ie the attention is taken away from the defects etc. I feel like a freak. I mean I like the way my eyes look but a lot of the time they both look different sizes - for some reason the right eye looks smaller - though I think it's temporary (I hope). Jane seems to have sewn up or done something to both eyes to make them smaller though the left eye didn't take.

So I'm going to make a request for Sabbatical Leave for the x'mas period for 4 weeks and if I get it great, if not I'll put in a request for 3 weeks holiday leave and say I'm going home to S'pore as I haven't been back for almost 6 years. That's 5 months from now. I'll have to work hard to prepare myself physically and mentally for this ie resuming my work outs next week and also my cardio and healthy eating habits to get myself physically fit again and will work on my chakras and meditate to gain peace of mind as much as I can given the conditions.

5 weeks post op : 9th July 06

Pix taken 9th July 06 - 5 weeks post surgery. There's a lump on my right lower eyelid (that was never tehre before and developed from the stitches after this surgery - it looks like it'll disappear at some point (I hope). From the looks in this picture both eyes seem hollow ... how interesting considering that's not how I see it when I look in the mirror ie I don't notice the left lower eyelid hollow. The left outer eyelid is a bit red in this picture and you can also see the left lower eyelid lump, if you know what you're looking for. My eyes are much much better than before this surgery and I am happy though just gutted I need another - mainly cos my eyes feel they can't take much more battering.

What I do find difficult as well is I'm sure Jane sewed up my outer eyes a little to bring up the droops as my eyes feel tight on the outside. It's all early days; though rather uncomfortable and part of the healing process. I just need reassurance from Jane.

Dr Meronk's "Is this ever going to heal?" http://www.drmeronk.com/insidersguide/35.html

Weds 12th July 06 - 5 weeks 2 days post op

Arrrrgh, (scratch scratch, scratch) ... the past few days, all I've wanted to do is scratch my head which itches so much. I'm sitting in the office and I'm just scratching my head and patting it - like I did when I had the wig on (ergh). I was baffled as to why my head was itching so much 6 months post surgery from my Y-V brow lift and did a search on the internet and read that scars itch after surgery for years after, which is due to the nerves regrowing and regenerating. That made a difference as I thought that the itchiness was due to the scars being dry.

The corners of my eyes have also been itching like crazy, which Jane said they would. I have to be very gentle when I have any contact with any part of my eyes as my outer eye muscles are really sore and sensitive even to the slightest gentlest touch. And my eyelids too.

My outer left eye is dry lots from the exposure where the droop is the most prominent and that is bothersome and my eyes do feel dry even thou I use eye drops throughout the day. I feel I need something stronger but which won't blur my vision. I'm currently using TheraTears. My eyes also feel hot; and when I wake in the morning even though I'm using Lacrilube, my eyes feel dry and slow to blink for a while after. Everything feels like it is in slow motion. I just want to lubricate my eyes in the morning when I wake but there's nothing I can use until I use my normal eye drops. The medication from the hospital (eye drops) is now out of date (Hypermellose) and I am not sure if I'm supposed to continue using that. The nurse did say to me to only use it for one week though the bottle said one month; which is what I've done.

My right cheek infection is still there and very itchy (ergh) though my right lower eyelid hollow isn't as prominent as it was just after surgery and it's at a bearable stage ie where I don't freak out and get really upset cos it looks absolutely grotesque.

My left eye has been having vision problems for a while in that what feels like a transparent film keeps flicking onto my vision field when I blink all throughout the day and there's nothing I can do to get rid of it and I'm thinking it's the fine film that is on the top surface of my eye as after surgery for a while all I could see what that fine film squished up on my lower eyelid as it just glisened and it just didn't seem right that it was there. I emailed Jane and asked if this was anything to worry about a couple of days ago but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I don't want to call her cos I'm not sure if this is something trivial or something I should panic about and go to A&E and/or make an appointment with her.

I do get very frustrated when Jane doesn't respond to my emails as I emailed her last week with a question which she still hasn't gotten back to me yet. I forwarded on the question to her secretary who also didn't get back to me - so I chased her secretary who seemed agitated that I'd called her as she said she was waiting to hear back from someone about prices - though geez, a simple email back to say hey, got your email and will revert back as soon as I hear about prices etc is common courtesy especially for a private patient. It takes seconds!! Lack of bedside manner! Perhaps its the way Harley Street works as I've known private consultants in Harley Street who are much worst so perhaps I should be thankful for the service I do have (grins). I dunno. I work in an investment bank where the standards are so high and it's so fast paced and I guess medical secretaries are in a different field - still sending out paper copies whereas we in the investment banking industry do a lot of things electronically and we have the latest technological gadgets including Blackberries on the move so contact is 24/7 with our bankers etc.

Well each time I'm at Jane's I see her computer logged on so she must be on line all the time and reads her emails - she perhaps is being selective in whom she responds to etc ... I don't know. I've heard other people say that Jane responds back to them really fast.

I have lots else to share but my mind is blank right now. I'm tired and came home early cos my vision was really bothering me. Each time I blinked, my vision blurred and I just couldn't do any work cos it was distracting. I wanted to come home and use ice packs on my eyes and just get some rest and palm my eyes.

I've also been eating lots (eeek!) and am sure I've put on 3-4 pounds in 6 weeks! Especially cos I haven't exercised!

Old friends have cropped back up on the scene whom I haven't seen for years and I'm noting the changes in me ie healthier responses and interactions with them etc (smiles). Onward with the next set of lessons life says :) ...

I have been thinking about my next surgery ie the mucosal mouth graft to my lower eyelids (if I need it) and thought and felt to myself lately that my body right now feels it can't take anymore surgery or rather my eyes don't feel up to it, and nor does my head, with all that itchiness going on my head and eyes and I feel like a mess - I don't know how people can cope with multiple surgeries - my hat off to them - bravo!!! Especially on these Extreme Makeover Shows! I had originally been thinking maybe I could wait 6 months and have surgery in December this year but I dunno ... then I was thinking I'd be happy to wait 9 months until Easter next year ie March 2007 when my body has had time to recuperate and recover more. It's just a thought ... I could feel better in a few weeks and feel up to and ready for a December surgery (if needed). It all depends on what Jane says as well. I'll follow my instincts and see what my body tells me. I'm sure I didn't feel this way after my brow lift ie that I didn't feel ready for another surgery; so this feeling that I have been having surprises me. Perhaps it's the itchiness of both my head and eyes and it feels overwhelming and too much for me right now. Not being able to rub my eyes drives me crazy (argh! :))

Some of the bankers in the office I believe suspect that I had eye surgery when I was away on hols (and one of my own bankers personally suspected it and mentioned it before I went away cos I was taking so long off) as I got questioned today by one of my other bankers I work for about my eyes cos I had to take that week off work after my hols. I just evaded his questions as best I could and he kinda bought it but he still suspects, which is fine - it just means they're good at putting two and two together. I just don't want to tell them cos they'll judge and they won't understand. I'm back in touch with an old friend I haven't seen for 8 years and I won't tell her anything about my surgeries cos she won't understand and she'll only judge and/or will never let me forget it etc and will gossip and tell others ... hello?!!!! ERgh!

Mon 10th July 06 : 5 weeks post surgery

I'm bummed that I didn't get a chance to post over the weekend - I was just way too busy and tired. Am still feeling off sorts.

In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.

My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.

My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.

I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.

My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.

My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)

This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...

Mon 10th July 06 : 5 weeks post surgery

I'm bummed that I didn't get a chance to post over the weekend - I was just way too busy and tired. Am still feeling off sorts.

In bits and pieces that I can remember - and in no particular order, went to see mom over the weekend, asked her what she could see re my eyes and she said one eye was larger than the other ie my left was larger than the other. Ho hum. I asked if she could see the swelling ie the fat transfer - she said no.

My eyes have been feeling dry especially so my left outer eye corner which gets inflammed. When I blink, occasionally the vision gets really blurry and I feel I have a second skin inside that blurs the vision - kinda like a lizard when it blinks - I think it's a lizard that seems to have a second eyelid when it blinks. Mine is like a film and it blurs my vision and sometimes when my eye is just open and I'm looking at something, this film which is transparent will fall down and block my vision in my left eye - it's very frustrating.

My left eyeball / socket feels tight and constricted and it takes a lot of effort to close my eye whereas it feels normal to close my right eye. I'm not sure if I should be worried about my left eye vision and/or that secondary film that seems to keep falling down onto my field of vision. Occasionally in my left eye, at the bottom, I can see the film of my eyeball fold up - I'm not sure if I'm describing it properly.

I am still using Lacrilube and even then when I wake in the mornings my eyes feel dry and my vision is incredibly blurry.

My right eye lower eyelid hollow looks less hollow thankfully cos my right cheek infection is reducing though today I had a lot of problems with my right cheek infection - it kept itching at work and got swollen again. (sighs). What's wrong with me? I also have been feeling really rough these past few days at work and today I left early. Got home and felt like I was coming down with the flu.

My scalp still hurts, aches and itches from the Y-V endo brow lift I had 6 months ago and my forehead occasionally feels tender especially the right side of my forehead. I pat and gently rub my head a lot as it feels comforting. There, there :)

This is enough for now as I'm so tired I need to go get some sleep ...

Thurs 6th July 06 : One month 3 days post op

Today was a tough day to wake up and I struggled out of bed!! :)

My hair is behaving itself even though my scalp is still itchy and sore in some places from the Y-V endo brow lift 6 months ago and I can feel the incision lines still which smart, though sensation is good right? My right brow has a minor numb feeling that my left brow area doesn't have in that the left side of my forehad feels normal and my right side feels numbish.

Woke with the usual dry and blurry eyes but it's fine. My right cheek infection is thankfully subsiding and much better today and make up went on much better as it had stopped being so flaky and dry (which when it was, meant that the make up caked and the acne showed up more). I was pleasantly surprised to notice thankfully (as I'd hoped it happen) that as my right cheek infection and swelling is going down, the right lower eyelid hollow isn't as noticeable. When the full swelling of the right cheekbone infection goes down I would be very interested to notice how my right lower eyelid hollow then looks and according to Dr Meronk's site, cheekbones can contribute towards the lower eyelids looking hollow. So fingers and toes crossed that the swelling made the right eyelid hollow look worst than it was (I had hoped previously that this would be the case) whew! I think some hollow will still be there but hoping it'll be minimal enough to live with without being upset like I was a short while ago - I've been going through a whole range of emotions like a yoyo.

My main boss came back from 2 days away from the office today and I hadn't seen him for 4 weeks (whew) and I made the extra effort to go in and talk to him (didn't really want to cos I had been very upset with him before I left and had felt very over worked and under appreciated for many months and had one foot out of the door). Anyway he looked like he'd lost weight and had a sun tan and I mentioned that genuinely as he looked really good and that took his attention away from my eyes cos he was staring at my eyes and about to comment i think on the fact that I'd taken the past 5 days off work but thankfully the subject went to how he looked. I was speaking from the heart and hadn't meant to say anything - it just came out and it flowed and we kept talking on that same subject for a short while and then I changed it to work. It cut the ice and tension that had been there before I left for my hols as I think he knew that I was not happy and may even have heard from the grapevine that I wanted to leave (though I had said this to him before I left for hols anyway though not the reason why). And I know he would be sore to see me go cos I'm very good at my job and a good person to run the engine room (smiles).

Anyway it felt good to make peace with him though towards mid afternoon the stress of being back at work kicked in with the expense clerks demanding Out of Policies for his travel and being overly difficult and unhelpful per usual and I though oh no, the peace and tranquil of not being in the office has not lasted long and I'm back in the toil of things again so soon! I must start my yoga this weekend to keep up the tranquil feeling of being away from the office and not letting office stress get to me ie in being overworked and overwhelmed.

I liked how my eyes looked in the ladies again today which was a nice feeling. My left lower eyelid retraction didn't bother me too much and my fringe helped hide it. My hair straightend up well and I had comments that my hair looked great from the girl at work who knows I had eye surgery though didn't know I wore a wig. She said I didn't need hair extensions (as I told her it was hair extensions instead of a wig) and that my hair looked great as it is! Whew! I'm grateful for Nourkrin as hair has grown in places I never thought it could grow!

Someone who bumped into me in the ladies said I looked tired and I was surprised that it didn't bother me as I liked how my eyes looked (today anyway) and if she thought I looked tired, then wahoo for her (smiles). WOW!!! I had again no eye make up on and couldn't really care as I felt my eyes looked fine as they were!

Towards the end of the day my lower eyelid incisions started caking up a little under the little make up I had and it looked weird. Thank god I had my fringe to cover my left eye and my glasses cos my left lower eyelid incision and lump looked ikky and cakey under the make up and it was obvious it is a scar though no one was looking - whew! If they did question, I could always say it was the conjunctivitis!

Weds 5th July 06 : One month 2 days post op

I went back to work today feeling nervous about the kind of reception I'd receive. It was fine (whew!) as work had been slow and one of the other assistants in the team had also been off ill. I had a fair amount of questions from various members of the group about what was wrong and I talked through it as best I could honestly. As I have ongoing problems with my eyes, no one raised their eyebrows too much and if anyone did, it may have been my imagination running a little wild. Even I do question sometimes when anyone calls in sick as to how genuinely sick they are - just a natural curiousity more than anything else though I say good for them :)

It was thankfully fairly low key today and I spent a fair amount of the morning on the phone calling up my insurance company as during the thunderstorms yesterday I discovered a leak in my back window (eek) and need to sort that out fairly fast - and cos I was on the phone, it gave me quiet time ie when people came in, they went straight to their desks and worked instead of stopping to talk to me cos I was on the phone - this was a relief (smiles) and was my intention as well as I didn't want to be the focus of attention like last week.

As Jane mentioned, my eyes are itchy (ergh) especially at the sides and felt dry even though I'd used lubricant and didn't use eye make up (sounds like I'm a car engine or something (grins).

Going back to the topic of months ago that people who felt sorry for me would flick at their eyes when they looked at my left eye lower lump, well today one of the other assistants kept flicking at her cheek (same side to mine mirror wise) ie my right is her left exactly where my infection is and acne. She kept rubbing it like she wanted to heal itc. It did bother me for a bit but I let it go - we were having a conversation and she kept doing that ie flicking at her left cheek and I just stopped mid conversation and got side tracked and had to really focus to get back on track again.

Then later she did it with her left eye (my right eyelid (lower) has a small lump on it) and she was flicking at exactly that same area. It's interesting :). And there are no such things as coincidences ! :)

My eyes didn't look too bad in the ladies which was a good thing cos my heart would have sunk. I had to have a tooth filling just before going home and the anaesthesia is just about wearing off and the ache and pain starting to be felt - ergh. I'm loathe to take painkillers and may just let it ache. He had to give me three extra shots of anaesthesia as I kept feeling the pain when he started drilling. I'm very sensitive.

All in all a good day today. No one noticed my eyes too much cos my fringe thankfully managed to cover up a lot them as did my glasses - even thou a couple of them tried to do a close up look to see this eye infection I was supposed to have had. I told them that I had vision problems as well which was true as my vision was blurry for days as well as hot' teary eyes which again was true as I had that too and that I needed to go to A&E which was true though I didn't say exactly why. I would have told them if asked further that it was re a stitch I'd found but no one asked further. I said to one of my bosses I was more than happy to spend half an hour discussing my eye ailments but that he'd most likely find it very boring! :)

Another 10 hour day and I'm feeling exhausted. I thought I'd get this down as if not, I'd never get it down. My eyes behaved today and I'm pleased. They did feel dry and tight at the ends and itchy but it was fine. My head from the endo brow lift still itches and is sore and I keep tapping the top of my head like I used to when I was wearing the wig - it's an automatic reaction. When I do rub my scalp, I can feel the incision lines and the grooves in my head - there are areas that feel lumpy.