It's been another long gap since the last post ... life is just one big whoosh right now at work which is stir crazy and my involvement in helping my yoga teacher build a yoga website. It just seems to be all work, work, work right now and that I'm spending my whole life there; with barely much time at home before it's sleep and back to work again. Life just flies past.
My eyes feel strange, numb and my right eye (outer corner) feels hard to open fully. When I shut my eyes you can see the outer corners crinkle in and when I pull my outer eyes out, there's no crinkle. It feels easier to shut my right eye than my left eye which still looks weird when I photograph it. My left upper eyelid looks sleepy (like it's ptosis again). I need to talk to Jane about this when I see her in a couple of weeks' time.
The back of my head has been itching like crazy and I have this tendency to want to rub my forehead ie by my brow a lot of the time (kinda like an automatic impulse) as it feels *numb* so to speak in that area and I'm *comforting* it or just want to instinctively reassure myself that my forehead is still there or something.
I can't wait for this to be all over. I want my life to return to some form of normality.
I happened to stumble across a video clipping of myself taken about 2 years ago just before I had my first shot of Restylane for my jowl lines and just before my Isolagen and before my first bleph etc ... woah, I look so different! I looked so much older and tired in that picture and I definitely look much better now! Oh boy! It was interesting to note the difference.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
It's been a while
It's been a while since I updated my blog - beginning of the month - about 3 and a half weeks. Much has been happening - mostly I've been ill with this horrible chesty cough since I got back from my second level yoga initiation in birmingham and I feel I've been to death and back with this chesty cough. I've had fevers, been sleeping straight up which didn't help much, coughed so hard all night my stomach muscles ached, had so much phlegm in my lungs and throat I've no idea where they came from! I just couldn't shake it and I refused to take any antibiotics as I'm all for holistic healing. My mom had something similar about 3 or 4 months ago and antibiotics didn't help her and she took 3 strengths all prescribed by the hospital. I come out in rashes all over my body when I take antibiotics and I just won't go there; and had been experimenting with holistic methods and towards the tail end of my chesty cough ie a few days ago I discovered natural antibiotics ie Collodial Silver. Better late than never! I had forgotten all about it.
I am feeling much better now though still have some phlegm in my lungs and throat. I haven't worked out since my surgery in June this year and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms plus my diet has gone out of the window and I've put on a few pounds. I need to get my stamina up and strong again before my next surgery in 3 months time.
Work has been crazy - issues again with the assistant who sits in front of me which came to a head last week - I stood up to her and she didn't like it and caused a great big fuss in the office, claiming that I'd upset her. Kinda like someone who tries to rub up against you in the tube and when you turn around and ask them to stop, they make a fuss and claim that they are completely innocent etc. So I brought the issue to HR and our managers got involved and I let nature take it's course. I know my worth and value in the firm, my strengths and weaknesses and I know the other assistant's worth too and well my teacher at school always said that empty vessels make the most noise. Life is too short to harbour anger and grudges as our experiences today becomes tomorrow's memories and I'd like my memories of life to be happy ones, filled with love and joy. All is well.
Eye wise, I still have scars at the outer ends of my eyes, my vision out of my right outer eye is poor as the outer corner has been stitched up too tight and needs cutting open or whatever, my left lower lid is very loose and when I wash my face and put my hands over my eyes, the left eye socket feels very hollow compared to the right eye socket which feels normal. My left upper eyelid fat transfer hasn't taken very well and when I have my lower eyelid transfer, more fat needs to be placed into my left upper eyelid socket. I'm still feeling very nervous about the hard palate graft and how I'll be when I go back to work. All the surgeries take so much out of me mentally, emotionally and physically not to mention financially.
More later ... I've got to go shopping.
I am feeling much better now though still have some phlegm in my lungs and throat. I haven't worked out since my surgery in June this year and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms plus my diet has gone out of the window and I've put on a few pounds. I need to get my stamina up and strong again before my next surgery in 3 months time.
Work has been crazy - issues again with the assistant who sits in front of me which came to a head last week - I stood up to her and she didn't like it and caused a great big fuss in the office, claiming that I'd upset her. Kinda like someone who tries to rub up against you in the tube and when you turn around and ask them to stop, they make a fuss and claim that they are completely innocent etc. So I brought the issue to HR and our managers got involved and I let nature take it's course. I know my worth and value in the firm, my strengths and weaknesses and I know the other assistant's worth too and well my teacher at school always said that empty vessels make the most noise. Life is too short to harbour anger and grudges as our experiences today becomes tomorrow's memories and I'd like my memories of life to be happy ones, filled with love and joy. All is well.
Eye wise, I still have scars at the outer ends of my eyes, my vision out of my right outer eye is poor as the outer corner has been stitched up too tight and needs cutting open or whatever, my left lower lid is very loose and when I wash my face and put my hands over my eyes, the left eye socket feels very hollow compared to the right eye socket which feels normal. My left upper eyelid fat transfer hasn't taken very well and when I have my lower eyelid transfer, more fat needs to be placed into my left upper eyelid socket. I'm still feeling very nervous about the hard palate graft and how I'll be when I go back to work. All the surgeries take so much out of me mentally, emotionally and physically not to mention financially.
More later ... I've got to go shopping.
Friday, September 01, 2006
To show differences in photos with flash and without on 1st Sept 06
The photos below were taken about 45 mins apart to the ones below on Friday 1st Sept 06, 3 months post surgery, with flash and without flash - to show the difference in how each picture comes out and how the eyes look and to also give a picture of how different my eyes look at different angles when I look at others in the eye. The first pix looks like my eyes are disfigured and lopsided. I'm tired of being too upset too much ... it is what it is.
Pictures 3 months post surgery - Fri 1st Sept 06
Pix taken 3 months post surgery - Friday 1st Sept 06Comments similar to that below - this is a close up with the fringe moved out of the way a little. I did take another picture which shows yukky fatty tissue underneath the left lower eyelid ie where my lower eyelid bump has been for almost 2 years and which looks absolutely grotesque and which I was so upset about at the hairdressers last weekend. Where have my eyelashes gone???!!
Pix taken 3 months post surgery - Friday 1st Sept 06
Pix taken 3 months post surgery - Friday 1st Sept 06Left lower eyelid droop seems worst in this pix (each pix shows different captures and angles), both eyes are different shapes, there's that keloid scar on the lower right eyelid which Jane said she can easily remove at the next surgery, and the right upper eyelid needs a bit more fat transfer on the inner corner
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Scars & smarts
It's been over a week with my bad cough, sore throat and lungs and now today sinuses (cold) and it's draining. Everything hurts even my incision lines and areas underneath my eyes (outer) which smart to touch and for some reason they itch and the instinct is to touch them.
I'm surprised at the 3 month mark that I still have red incision lines on my outer eyes. It looks like red eye liner and can be seen through my make up when my make up wears off during the day though I can't really be bothered anymore (arrgh).
My eyes are still constantly changing, thou the lower eyelid retractions are always there as a permanent reminder. When I think ahead about the upcoming mouth graft in December, I do tremble at times re any pain and discomfort and I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of spending my life just waiting for revisions as my life seems to be on hold.
I watched a programme on tv last night re BDD where a woman who was beautiful felt ugly. There was a point in the programme where she agreed to remove all her make up in front of her friend (not the cameras) and it took her a lot of courage to do so. When she did, her friend commented on how beautiful and young she looked (we couldn't see anything as her back was to the camera); and then her friend kept on the dialogue that the woman was making up the fact that she was ugly, her skin was too pale etc etc to which the woman replied that she was glad she'd been to some therapy beforehand and was in a good space before she heard those comments, cos they are the very words that could potentially be damaging to a person with BDD, and also invalidating. It's very easy to speak without thinking about how our words affect another person and familes are a very good example of this where well meaning parents usually tend to be unable to convey their caring to their children, whatever age they may be. Take whatever message there is that jumps out at you - if it does or not, when you read my blog and view my pictures of my individual journey.
more to follow
I'm surprised at the 3 month mark that I still have red incision lines on my outer eyes. It looks like red eye liner and can be seen through my make up when my make up wears off during the day though I can't really be bothered anymore (arrgh).
My eyes are still constantly changing, thou the lower eyelid retractions are always there as a permanent reminder. When I think ahead about the upcoming mouth graft in December, I do tremble at times re any pain and discomfort and I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of spending my life just waiting for revisions as my life seems to be on hold.
I watched a programme on tv last night re BDD where a woman who was beautiful felt ugly. There was a point in the programme where she agreed to remove all her make up in front of her friend (not the cameras) and it took her a lot of courage to do so. When she did, her friend commented on how beautiful and young she looked (we couldn't see anything as her back was to the camera); and then her friend kept on the dialogue that the woman was making up the fact that she was ugly, her skin was too pale etc etc to which the woman replied that she was glad she'd been to some therapy beforehand and was in a good space before she heard those comments, cos they are the very words that could potentially be damaging to a person with BDD, and also invalidating. It's very easy to speak without thinking about how our words affect another person and familes are a very good example of this where well meaning parents usually tend to be unable to convey their caring to their children, whatever age they may be. Take whatever message there is that jumps out at you - if it does or not, when you read my blog and view my pictures of my individual journey.
more to follow
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
3 months post surgery
I'm about the 3 month mark now post surgery and the last surgery was my 4th eye surgery and 3rd revision surgery.
I've been feeling very ill the past week with a really bad sore throat and cough and have been having lots of sleepless nights up coughing so hard every couple of mins, I couldn't sleep. I'm a little better though still have the cough.
I went to have my hair cut (last one was in May this year) and I'm happy with the cut, which is simple. My fringe is cut parted to the side, as that is how I prefer to wear it, and darn, my hair feels like a lion's mange (is that the right word?), as it feels so thick, and not the usual fine thin hair! Awesome, and thanks to Nourkrin! which I've now been on for about 7-8 months.
I looked awful at the hairdressers, especially sitting next to a beautiful 23 year old hairdresser who had perfect skin! My eyes looked like they were looking in different directions and I could see all the imperfections and I looked tired and haggard and I thought to myself, geez, all that money I've spent on my face the past year and a half and I still look tired and haggard. (sighs).
I took a pix of my new haircut today though it's not a suitable picture to share as it isn't a good comparison with the others as it's too small - so will have to wait.
When I look at myself in the mirror I still use my fingers to pull both lower eyelids up to see how they'll look, and pull my right outer upper eyelid up and that looks perfect and I think to myself, I sooooo soooooo sooooo hope the next revision surgery will be the very *last* one as I don't want to go through all that pain and recovery time again and financial strain. Even though private health cover part of it, what little I have had to pay and will need to pay is a burden on me as I have other bills and debts to uphold in life and there are priority things that need to be taken care of in the house repairs that are long overdue that have needed to take a back seat cos of these revisions. I haven't had a holiday for almost 6 years now (Miami last year doesn't count cos I met that a-hole there ... bah).
My washing machine has also broken down (has been for the past year and I think it's had it's last legs after 10 years and I need another one .... though can I?). My financial credit isn't so good right now (yikes).
I had much more to share last nite though have forgotten what I wanted to share.
I looked at some recent pictures of myself and I don't look the same person anymore. Each time I look at myself in the car mirror or any mirror, all I see are the lower eyelid droops in both eyes and the different upper eyelid curve in my right eye which gives the right and left eye different shapes. They look worst when I'm tired and my eyes are like half open. My heart sinks each time I see my reflection.
I've been feeling very ill the past week with a really bad sore throat and cough and have been having lots of sleepless nights up coughing so hard every couple of mins, I couldn't sleep. I'm a little better though still have the cough.
I went to have my hair cut (last one was in May this year) and I'm happy with the cut, which is simple. My fringe is cut parted to the side, as that is how I prefer to wear it, and darn, my hair feels like a lion's mange (is that the right word?), as it feels so thick, and not the usual fine thin hair! Awesome, and thanks to Nourkrin! which I've now been on for about 7-8 months.
I looked awful at the hairdressers, especially sitting next to a beautiful 23 year old hairdresser who had perfect skin! My eyes looked like they were looking in different directions and I could see all the imperfections and I looked tired and haggard and I thought to myself, geez, all that money I've spent on my face the past year and a half and I still look tired and haggard. (sighs).
I took a pix of my new haircut today though it's not a suitable picture to share as it isn't a good comparison with the others as it's too small - so will have to wait.
When I look at myself in the mirror I still use my fingers to pull both lower eyelids up to see how they'll look, and pull my right outer upper eyelid up and that looks perfect and I think to myself, I sooooo soooooo sooooo hope the next revision surgery will be the very *last* one as I don't want to go through all that pain and recovery time again and financial strain. Even though private health cover part of it, what little I have had to pay and will need to pay is a burden on me as I have other bills and debts to uphold in life and there are priority things that need to be taken care of in the house repairs that are long overdue that have needed to take a back seat cos of these revisions. I haven't had a holiday for almost 6 years now (Miami last year doesn't count cos I met that a-hole there ... bah).
My washing machine has also broken down (has been for the past year and I think it's had it's last legs after 10 years and I need another one .... though can I?). My financial credit isn't so good right now (yikes).
I had much more to share last nite though have forgotten what I wanted to share.
I looked at some recent pictures of myself and I don't look the same person anymore. Each time I look at myself in the car mirror or any mirror, all I see are the lower eyelid droops in both eyes and the different upper eyelid curve in my right eye which gives the right and left eye different shapes. They look worst when I'm tired and my eyes are like half open. My heart sinks each time I see my reflection.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
2 and a half months post surgery + 8 months post surgery
I'm 2 and a half months post my second revision with Jane and 8 months post surgery my first revision with Jane ie the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction etc. I feel like I'm going through a metamorphosis. Sometimes I glimpse into the mirror and wow, I see someone totally different and my eyes look good though on closer inspection I can see the irregularities that still need fixing, ie the lower left eyelid retraction, the right eye being a different shape to the left eye and the crooked fly's legs for my eyelashes (I haven't used mascara for two and a half months as it just won't sit on my eyelashes - they just won't curl up - it's like they are broken ... very strange).
This last revision with Jane has had an impact and things are improving slowly. My right outer eyelid isn't feling as tight as it was though it still feels claustrophobic and when I take an impromptu picture on my cellphone, you can see the difference in eye shapes and the dip in the right outer upper eyelid - the pictures below don't reflect that. Each time I take a picture it seems to show something different, depending on the angle that the picture is being taken at. Sometimes my lower left retraction doesn't look so bad and sometimes it looks bad - again depending on the angle and which direction I'm looking. Obviously when I'm talking to people and in normal mode, my eyes are looking everywhere and not straight like it is when a picture is being taken, ie in 3D mode, people will see my eyes look in all kinds of directions, up down, left, blinking etc - oh yeah and I still blink really slow and my best friend said sometimes I only half blink and don't shut my eyes when I blink.
I fell asleep for 30 mins as a nap this afternoon and oh boy my eyes were really burning and hot. Obviously my eyes weren't shutting (sighs) - though as it was such a short time, my eyes didn't get to that stage where they started watering and getting really painful.
When I wake in the mornings, I can feel the ache in my outer eye muscles (obicularis (?)) and during the day as well I can feel them throbbing and aching still. I do spend a lot of time in the mirror at work and when I look at my reflection, pulling my eyelids up to see how they will finally look. I pull my right outer eyelid out a bit more as my vision is blurred and pull the right lower eyelid up a bit; and I pull the left lower eyelid up and out as well and voila, perfect eyes (smiles). The lower eyelid hollows don't bother me as much now that my right cheek infection went down (whew) though the area is still scarred ie is red and shows through my make up. It looks like a birth mark though is fading, thankfully.
Much to do ... always so much to do .... the past two and a half months have flown past and I'm just soooooo thankful I don't have to wear a wig anymore. That was such a traumatic time in my life - every second of it. My hair now is so much more thicker thanks to Nourkrin - I've just started the maintenance programme of Nourkrin; and it's made such a difference. When I part my hair I can still see the Y-V incision lines on my scalp and most of them are covered by hair (I think - as i haven't checked all of them - there are 3. They are mostly able to be disguised though I still as yet can't part my hair on the left as the left incision area is still growing hair back after 8 months. Oh yeah and I've parted my hair on the right so that my fringe is covering my left eye which has the lower eyelid retraction and hides my left eye as I'm embarassed by my left lower eyelid retraction which in normal day to day life at work does show up.
This last revision with Jane has had an impact and things are improving slowly. My right outer eyelid isn't feling as tight as it was though it still feels claustrophobic and when I take an impromptu picture on my cellphone, you can see the difference in eye shapes and the dip in the right outer upper eyelid - the pictures below don't reflect that. Each time I take a picture it seems to show something different, depending on the angle that the picture is being taken at. Sometimes my lower left retraction doesn't look so bad and sometimes it looks bad - again depending on the angle and which direction I'm looking. Obviously when I'm talking to people and in normal mode, my eyes are looking everywhere and not straight like it is when a picture is being taken, ie in 3D mode, people will see my eyes look in all kinds of directions, up down, left, blinking etc - oh yeah and I still blink really slow and my best friend said sometimes I only half blink and don't shut my eyes when I blink.
I fell asleep for 30 mins as a nap this afternoon and oh boy my eyes were really burning and hot. Obviously my eyes weren't shutting (sighs) - though as it was such a short time, my eyes didn't get to that stage where they started watering and getting really painful.
When I wake in the mornings, I can feel the ache in my outer eye muscles (obicularis (?)) and during the day as well I can feel them throbbing and aching still. I do spend a lot of time in the mirror at work and when I look at my reflection, pulling my eyelids up to see how they will finally look. I pull my right outer eyelid out a bit more as my vision is blurred and pull the right lower eyelid up a bit; and I pull the left lower eyelid up and out as well and voila, perfect eyes (smiles). The lower eyelid hollows don't bother me as much now that my right cheek infection went down (whew) though the area is still scarred ie is red and shows through my make up. It looks like a birth mark though is fading, thankfully.
Much to do ... always so much to do .... the past two and a half months have flown past and I'm just soooooo thankful I don't have to wear a wig anymore. That was such a traumatic time in my life - every second of it. My hair now is so much more thicker thanks to Nourkrin - I've just started the maintenance programme of Nourkrin; and it's made such a difference. When I part my hair I can still see the Y-V incision lines on my scalp and most of them are covered by hair (I think - as i haven't checked all of them - there are 3. They are mostly able to be disguised though I still as yet can't part my hair on the left as the left incision area is still growing hair back after 8 months. Oh yeah and I've parted my hair on the right so that my fringe is covering my left eye which has the lower eyelid retraction and hides my left eye as I'm embarassed by my left lower eyelid retraction which in normal day to day life at work does show up.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Picture update Sat 12th Aug 06
I spent some time today taking some pictures, at 10 weeks post op and have spent the past hour and a half cropping them and adding to my blog. It is very time consuming and sometimes I just don't feel up to it though I made an effort tonite to tick it off my to do list as I know in the long run, I'll be glad I did it when I come to read my blog back for reference purposes and to see how far I've come.
The photos below show my eyes as I see them in real life, ie crooked, and just looking weird and different, with different shapes and looking like they are looking in different directions. I've cropped them so you can only see the eyes though when you see the full face, it again takes on a different life of it's own, though I won't show the full face for obvious reasons, ie my privacy.
I'm glad Jane can see what I see and hopefully the next surgery will be the last one. My finances just can't take another hit again. I'm just not living life, as everything is going into paying off for my surgeries, and I'm on such a tight budget.
Sat 12th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post opEye shapes are different, red incision lines still visible on lower lids
Sat 12th Aug - 10 weeks post opEyes looking down. Eyes look abnormal and bulging out of the eye socket plus there's schleral show on the top left eyelid. Gross! I wonder if I hadn't been put to sleep when under local and had been able to follow instructions if the eyes would be more even. Incisions lines on lower eyelids can be seen to outers
Fri 11th Aug 06 - 10 weeks post opWith flash - looking sideways. Redness in right eye, incision lines can still be seen as can lower lid retraction in both eyes with lots of white scheleral showing - something's not quite right
Sat 12th August 06 - 10 weeks post opSlightly looking left - eyes look like they're looking in different directions and there's a lump under my right eye which has been there since surgery. Jane said this can be taken care of next surgery and snipped off. It looks like a keloid scar.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
People's flicks continue
People are still continuing to flick away at their eyes when they talk to me and it's driving me crazy!!!
We had to move desks yesterday and I had to speak to a number of people ie the removal men, computer men and telephone guys etc and a few of them flicked away at their eyes when talking to me, subconsciously and it's the same ie pulling up of their outer eyelid (ie like where my left lower eyelid retraction is). They just stand there and pull up their outer eyelid and it really gets to me at times cos they all seem to do that ie either pull up of their outer eyelid and/or flick away at their lower eyelid. (sighs). Arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!
My lower eyelids have been smarting a lot ie flickers, throbs and spasms of small sharp pain - I'm assuming it's nerves regenerating or something like that - it's in the incision areas in the lower eyelids. I'm in Week 9 post surgery this week I believe which is just over the 2 month mark.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes do look ok but hey who am I kidding, with all these people who keep pulling up their lower eyelids whenever they talk to me (bah!). I wonder if I'm just so used to seeing my left lower eyelid retraction that I've stopped seeing it so much now. Well I do see it, but it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be and is so much better. Surely people can't be that aware of it. I dunno anymore. Arrrgh!
I need to do a picture of myself showing my eyes how they should be. At the moment the outer eye corner is a few mms below the inner eye corner and I read somewhere that the level of the outer eye corner should be about 2mm above the level of the inner eye corner (if this makes sense). I'll have to do a picture to show where my outer eye corner should be, that would look normal in a female. My outer eye corners droop quite far down from my inner eye corner and are too round (well the right eye is more round than the left eye. A picture speaks a thousand words (smiles).
I don't know where time flies but I find it so hard to get time these days. I have so much to do and so many obligations and I haven't been feeling too well either. Cleansing from the yoga weekend a few weeks ago. I'm going back for another yoga weekend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.
Indi
We had to move desks yesterday and I had to speak to a number of people ie the removal men, computer men and telephone guys etc and a few of them flicked away at their eyes when talking to me, subconsciously and it's the same ie pulling up of their outer eyelid (ie like where my left lower eyelid retraction is). They just stand there and pull up their outer eyelid and it really gets to me at times cos they all seem to do that ie either pull up of their outer eyelid and/or flick away at their lower eyelid. (sighs). Arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!!
My lower eyelids have been smarting a lot ie flickers, throbs and spasms of small sharp pain - I'm assuming it's nerves regenerating or something like that - it's in the incision areas in the lower eyelids. I'm in Week 9 post surgery this week I believe which is just over the 2 month mark.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my eyes do look ok but hey who am I kidding, with all these people who keep pulling up their lower eyelids whenever they talk to me (bah!). I wonder if I'm just so used to seeing my left lower eyelid retraction that I've stopped seeing it so much now. Well I do see it, but it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be and is so much better. Surely people can't be that aware of it. I dunno anymore. Arrrgh!
I need to do a picture of myself showing my eyes how they should be. At the moment the outer eye corner is a few mms below the inner eye corner and I read somewhere that the level of the outer eye corner should be about 2mm above the level of the inner eye corner (if this makes sense). I'll have to do a picture to show where my outer eye corner should be, that would look normal in a female. My outer eye corners droop quite far down from my inner eye corner and are too round (well the right eye is more round than the left eye. A picture speaks a thousand words (smiles).
I don't know where time flies but I find it so hard to get time these days. I have so much to do and so many obligations and I haven't been feeling too well either. Cleansing from the yoga weekend a few weeks ago. I'm going back for another yoga weekend next weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.
Indi
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Changes & Jane's summary
My eyes are changing weekly and I am noticing the difference. I was massaging and pulling up my right eyelid cos I can't see too well from it and it seems to have made a difference to the vision though it's still uncomfortable and feels tight. There'll obviously be more subtle changes over the following weeks/months before the next revision.
When I roll my eyes around in my head I can still feel what feels like stitches, though Jane said it was gristle. Question is: will that stuff always be there and/or will it disappear and if it's gristle, why does it feel so hard like it's stitches? Does it scratch the cornea etc?
Jane's letter which arrived pleasantly early (last letter she sent was a month after my surgery!), it 2-3 days after my consult, summarised:
Upper eyelids
Right upper eyelid has a small lateral droop and lash ptosis. Left upper lid has a small lateral lash ptosis which will need further everting. The right eye shape is rounder than the left, which is oval, which is due to some weakening of a right lateral canthal tendon which will require tightening and elevating with a lateral periosteal strip.
Lower lids
The left lower lid is still retracting more than the right lower lid and there are still some hollow areas in the tear trough region. Will require bilateral lower eyelid Coleman fat and placement of hard palate mucosal grafts, together with the left lateral canthal tightening as there has been some loosening of her left lower lid since procedure in June.
Price for the surgery including hospital costs and follow up consults is around the £6,500 mark. Ouch! I haven't even sat down to count how much it's cost me in the 4 surgeries so far for my eyes. It's approximately in the region of £23,000 including this next 5th one. £3,500 for the first bleph, 1st revision was free with the original first surgeon, approx £7,500 for brow lift and upper bilateral etc in Dec 05, approx £6,000 for the 2nd revision and £6,500 for the next and hopefully last revision. And it will have taken over 2 years of my life. If I'd known all of this would I have ever started? Nope. Certainly not. I'd had the ptosis which was getting bad though I would probably have waited till it affected my vision before I got Moorfields Hospital to take a look at it. Thou it's happened and if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
When I roll my eyes around in my head I can still feel what feels like stitches, though Jane said it was gristle. Question is: will that stuff always be there and/or will it disappear and if it's gristle, why does it feel so hard like it's stitches? Does it scratch the cornea etc?
Jane's letter which arrived pleasantly early (last letter she sent was a month after my surgery!), it 2-3 days after my consult, summarised:
Upper eyelids
Right upper eyelid has a small lateral droop and lash ptosis. Left upper lid has a small lateral lash ptosis which will need further everting. The right eye shape is rounder than the left, which is oval, which is due to some weakening of a right lateral canthal tendon which will require tightening and elevating with a lateral periosteal strip.
Lower lids
The left lower lid is still retracting more than the right lower lid and there are still some hollow areas in the tear trough region. Will require bilateral lower eyelid Coleman fat and placement of hard palate mucosal grafts, together with the left lateral canthal tightening as there has been some loosening of her left lower lid since procedure in June.
Price for the surgery including hospital costs and follow up consults is around the £6,500 mark. Ouch! I haven't even sat down to count how much it's cost me in the 4 surgeries so far for my eyes. It's approximately in the region of £23,000 including this next 5th one. £3,500 for the first bleph, 1st revision was free with the original first surgeon, approx £7,500 for brow lift and upper bilateral etc in Dec 05, approx £6,000 for the 2nd revision and £6,500 for the next and hopefully last revision. And it will have taken over 2 years of my life. If I'd known all of this would I have ever started? Nope. Certainly not. I'd had the ptosis which was getting bad though I would probably have waited till it affected my vision before I got Moorfields Hospital to take a look at it. Thou it's happened and if life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Dec 05 to July 06 pixs
I chose some photos from before any surgery to July 06, after my 4th bleph and revision, 9 weeks ago. I'm feeling a little sad tonite from the change of shape in my eyes at week 9 post this last revision. Jane is going to snip open my right outer eyelid and do an elevation with a lateral periosteal strip and give it back the shape it should be in line with the left eye and so I can see properly again. There's no point in being upset that it wasn't done right in the first place - I'm just tired of going there. Let's just focus on correcting it and moving on with life.Wednesday, August 02, 2006
2 month post surgery follow up consult with Jane Olver
I had my 2 month post op follow up surgery with Jane Olver today. It certainly is always interesting when I have my consults with Jane in Harley Street (smiles!
I felt for Jane today and my heart went out to her as her assistant decided to answer back and be argumentative in front of me, the client, while I was having my consult.
I emphatised with Jane as I've experienced her assistant's abruptness and argumentativeness over the phone a few times when I've needed answers and the reaction I received back was not something I'd expect of a professional medical secretary working in Harley Street. While at times she can be nice, the assistant can be quite abrupt and scary and perhaps too direct and blunt, without taking other people's feelings into consideration.
Jane is such a nice person and I felt her assistant could have chosen a more polite time to choose to be argumentative and answer back to Jane when asked to assist and certainly not during a consultation and in front of a client. If her assistant had issues, it wasn't the right time to bring them up and she could have chosen to behave professionally as a medical sec and/or any other assistant would have done especially in front of a client.
I so wanted to reach out and give Jane a hug -- auuuww. She was really upset and I could understand as hey I'm a secretary myself in the banking industry and I totally understand secretary/manager relationships having had my fair share of them, though in front of a client is something completely different.
Maybe I don't see the side of Jane that her assistant sees though I, like any normal person, can pick up and sense another person's energies and I don't sense a mean bone in Jane's body to warrant or justify the treatment she received from her assistant today. No one did. I hope Jane manages to resolve things and that they calm down and everyone makes their peace soon, and that Jane's assistant apologies to her.
When her assistant left the building, the energy changed completely and it was amazing!!
Anyway, back to the consult.... I shared my thoughts with Jane about my eyes ie:
- right eye vision - can't see too well out of corner (too tight)
- keep wanting to pull right corner eyelid up so I can see as it feels too tight
- right lower eyelid has a lump from the incision
- right eyebrow raises when left eye shuts
- right lower eyelid hollow
- left lower eyelid is retracted
- left lower eyelid lump
- left inner eyelid fat transfer slightly less (from when that cyst happened)
- Dry eyes in both eyes and keratitis
- More so in left eye daily ie feels hot and burning sensations
- Left eyelid sticks to eyeball in the morning when opening even when using Lacrilube
- Both eyes have different shapes ie left eyelid more almond and right more round
- When I roll my eyes in my socket, it feels gritty, like there are stitches
In between discussing all this, the phone rang, text msgs happened, she had to go to see her secretary a few times and her secretary decided to instigate an argument of all days, in the middle of MY consult! (smiles). It's ok. As long as Jane didn't cut short my time, I was ok with it, and she had specifically made me her last appointment so she could give me ample time which was nice :).
So anyway the consult was disrupted a few times. I felt her assistant could have assisted more than she did instead of being argumentative .... geez. Jane was certainly very patient with her - if that was my assistant, I may have reacted differently. Jane did very well to keep her cool (bravo Jane).
To cut a long story short, as everything was in snippets in between telephone calls and secretaries etc, Jane was able to see all that I pointed out above which was great for me. As she says I know my own eyes. She did suggest restylane for the left lower eyelid retraction as she said she was hesitant to do another surgery as she didn't want me to keep having surgery after another though understood my views against hydraulic acid; and I wasn't keen on spending £600 or more every 6 months or so and suffering the pain of injections which I don't like at the best of times.
So we agreed on the mucoscal hard graft palate in both eyes, more so on the left than on the right and something else on the right outer eyelid to raise it. She did call it by it's technical name but I've forgotten it - my memory isn't good. I'll have to wait for her letter. Possibly fat transfer to the lower eyelids as there isn't enough fat in the tear trough especially the right eye to reposition and also on the left. I'm not sure what she's going to do with the left lower eyelid lump - I don't think we got to that part with all the interruptions going on - or we may have and then got interrupted again.
Jane spotted the "fly legs" as I call it on my left upper eyelashes and said that needs addressing again as it's not right, and something about my right eyelashes as well - they just aren't curling up as they ought to.
I said I hoped that when I have this operation it'll be the last ever and Jane said hopefully though there'll need to be touch ups (I'm not sure what that means - though hope it's nufin expensive!).
We agreed a date of 18th Dec 06 for my next surgery (which will be 7 months from this recent surgery). Jane said I had to wait at least 6 months.
Jane took some pictures at the end, and asked me to pose in certain positions and showed me the pictures afterwards. I'm glad she could see what I'd been referring to as she'd taken pictures of my eyes as I see them, ie when they look horrible and "deformed" as I call it. She explained a few reasons technically but yikes I've forgotten already! (shucks).
So the summary as I shared with Jane, in my thoughts were, use the mucosal hard palate graft to lift the lower eyelids and tighten up and pull out the right side and fat transfer to the lowers and we're good to go!! Yup, she said :). She seemed confident enough and didn't add anything else and agreed with me. We seemed to be on the same wavelength. She added in the upper eyelashes which I hadn't brought up even though I noticed it.
Jane did comment that my observational powers are heightened. Comes with experience and age and is earned. :) I did share with her that my self esteem suffers because of all the looks I get and the people who rub their eyes and flick away at their eyes when they talk to me. I deal with it as I have to though it still eats away at me inside and my heart does sink just cos I usually have forgotten about how my eyes are as they're much better then they were and when people do that, even if it's subconsciously it just reminds me and brings me back to reality with a bump, that the journey is far from over yet and I need to keep on my toes instead of being relaxed about it all.
No need to see Jane for a follow up now until approx October, 3 months from now and/or just before the surgery.
I felt for Jane today and my heart went out to her as her assistant decided to answer back and be argumentative in front of me, the client, while I was having my consult.
I emphatised with Jane as I've experienced her assistant's abruptness and argumentativeness over the phone a few times when I've needed answers and the reaction I received back was not something I'd expect of a professional medical secretary working in Harley Street. While at times she can be nice, the assistant can be quite abrupt and scary and perhaps too direct and blunt, without taking other people's feelings into consideration.
Jane is such a nice person and I felt her assistant could have chosen a more polite time to choose to be argumentative and answer back to Jane when asked to assist and certainly not during a consultation and in front of a client. If her assistant had issues, it wasn't the right time to bring them up and she could have chosen to behave professionally as a medical sec and/or any other assistant would have done especially in front of a client.
I so wanted to reach out and give Jane a hug -- auuuww. She was really upset and I could understand as hey I'm a secretary myself in the banking industry and I totally understand secretary/manager relationships having had my fair share of them, though in front of a client is something completely different.
Maybe I don't see the side of Jane that her assistant sees though I, like any normal person, can pick up and sense another person's energies and I don't sense a mean bone in Jane's body to warrant or justify the treatment she received from her assistant today. No one did. I hope Jane manages to resolve things and that they calm down and everyone makes their peace soon, and that Jane's assistant apologies to her.
When her assistant left the building, the energy changed completely and it was amazing!!
Anyway, back to the consult.... I shared my thoughts with Jane about my eyes ie:
- right eye vision - can't see too well out of corner (too tight)
- keep wanting to pull right corner eyelid up so I can see as it feels too tight
- right lower eyelid has a lump from the incision
- right eyebrow raises when left eye shuts
- right lower eyelid hollow
- left lower eyelid is retracted
- left lower eyelid lump
- left inner eyelid fat transfer slightly less (from when that cyst happened)
- Dry eyes in both eyes and keratitis
- More so in left eye daily ie feels hot and burning sensations
- Left eyelid sticks to eyeball in the morning when opening even when using Lacrilube
- Both eyes have different shapes ie left eyelid more almond and right more round
- When I roll my eyes in my socket, it feels gritty, like there are stitches
In between discussing all this, the phone rang, text msgs happened, she had to go to see her secretary a few times and her secretary decided to instigate an argument of all days, in the middle of MY consult! (smiles). It's ok. As long as Jane didn't cut short my time, I was ok with it, and she had specifically made me her last appointment so she could give me ample time which was nice :).
So anyway the consult was disrupted a few times. I felt her assistant could have assisted more than she did instead of being argumentative .... geez. Jane was certainly very patient with her - if that was my assistant, I may have reacted differently. Jane did very well to keep her cool (bravo Jane).
To cut a long story short, as everything was in snippets in between telephone calls and secretaries etc, Jane was able to see all that I pointed out above which was great for me. As she says I know my own eyes. She did suggest restylane for the left lower eyelid retraction as she said she was hesitant to do another surgery as she didn't want me to keep having surgery after another though understood my views against hydraulic acid; and I wasn't keen on spending £600 or more every 6 months or so and suffering the pain of injections which I don't like at the best of times.
So we agreed on the mucoscal hard graft palate in both eyes, more so on the left than on the right and something else on the right outer eyelid to raise it. She did call it by it's technical name but I've forgotten it - my memory isn't good. I'll have to wait for her letter. Possibly fat transfer to the lower eyelids as there isn't enough fat in the tear trough especially the right eye to reposition and also on the left. I'm not sure what she's going to do with the left lower eyelid lump - I don't think we got to that part with all the interruptions going on - or we may have and then got interrupted again.
Jane spotted the "fly legs" as I call it on my left upper eyelashes and said that needs addressing again as it's not right, and something about my right eyelashes as well - they just aren't curling up as they ought to.
I said I hoped that when I have this operation it'll be the last ever and Jane said hopefully though there'll need to be touch ups (I'm not sure what that means - though hope it's nufin expensive!).
We agreed a date of 18th Dec 06 for my next surgery (which will be 7 months from this recent surgery). Jane said I had to wait at least 6 months.
Jane took some pictures at the end, and asked me to pose in certain positions and showed me the pictures afterwards. I'm glad she could see what I'd been referring to as she'd taken pictures of my eyes as I see them, ie when they look horrible and "deformed" as I call it. She explained a few reasons technically but yikes I've forgotten already! (shucks).
So the summary as I shared with Jane, in my thoughts were, use the mucosal hard palate graft to lift the lower eyelids and tighten up and pull out the right side and fat transfer to the lowers and we're good to go!! Yup, she said :). She seemed confident enough and didn't add anything else and agreed with me. We seemed to be on the same wavelength. She added in the upper eyelashes which I hadn't brought up even though I noticed it.
Jane did comment that my observational powers are heightened. Comes with experience and age and is earned. :) I did share with her that my self esteem suffers because of all the looks I get and the people who rub their eyes and flick away at their eyes when they talk to me. I deal with it as I have to though it still eats away at me inside and my heart does sink just cos I usually have forgotten about how my eyes are as they're much better then they were and when people do that, even if it's subconsciously it just reminds me and brings me back to reality with a bump, that the journey is far from over yet and I need to keep on my toes instead of being relaxed about it all.
No need to see Jane for a follow up now until approx October, 3 months from now and/or just before the surgery.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Slideshow of journey so far the past 8 weeks
I don't have time to write much tonite as I've much to do, or post replies. This sharing is all mainly for my own benefit, is very catharthic and healing for me to get it all out of my system as friends and family just don't understand - heck, even those who've been through surgery don't understand unless they've been through exactly what I've been through and walked in my shoes, having lived the life I've lived, and with the circumstances in my life etc .... so my blogger is my personal diary and those of you reading in are reading my personal private thoughts in a diary. Everyone's journey is individual to them and mine won't necessarily reflect what will happen to you. We all heal differently and handle what life throws at us differently, based on who we are, what we've learnt and where we come from and most importantly the programming based on our childhood will equate to how we react to our circumstances in life. Take what you need, per usual, and let the rest go.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Week 9 post surgery Pictures
AOL broadband drives me crazy - I pay top of the rates and AOL and blogger - not sure which - keep hanging all the time I try to post any pictures or get onto the internet. AOL is just as slow at times now that I'm on broadband when I was on dial up. DOH!!!
I'm completely exhausted from the weekend and need to get some sleep. Managed to find my camera which was in the bedroom. Took a couple of pixs and will share more in the next day or so.
(**^&%^^ - blogger just doesn't want to work with loading pictures so I'll have to resort to old faithful http://www.imageshack.us. It's taken me half an hour just to get this far and wait for everything to load up - what should have just taken 5 mins or so. Bah!
I'm completely exhausted from the weekend and need to get some sleep. Managed to find my camera which was in the bedroom. Took a couple of pixs and will share more in the next day or so.
(**^&%^^ - blogger just doesn't want to work with loading pictures so I'll have to resort to old faithful http://www.imageshack.us. It's taken me half an hour just to get this far and wait for everything to load up - what should have just taken 5 mins or so. Bah!
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Pictures : Week 8 post surgery Sun 30 July 06
It's been a busy weekend painting my kitchen and I've been busy with my yoga breathing and meditations and getting a routine going. I could use more hours in the day and didn't have a weekend last week cos of the yoga weekend workshop.
I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.
I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.
I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.
Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!
Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.
Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?
My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.
But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.
I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.
I wanted to take some pictures this weekend but I can't remember where I've put my digital camera. I had taken some pictures using my camcorder though I'd need to find the link gizmo to connect it to the laptop to transfer the picture as it uses a different media card.
I went to the mall yesterday to get some supplements for the kitties and went into a shop which had a sale on and I kept noticing girls looking at me. Hello? Do I have two heads or something? I felt self conscious about my eyes, so put my sunglasses on. People just keep looking at me. I wish I felt confident enough to think that it's cos my eyes look great though with them both being different shapes ie one almond and the other round, and me feeling like my right eye doesn't open enough ie is sewn up too tight - enough to blur or rather obscure my vision out of my right eye, I somehow don't think it's cos my eyes look good. Though I keep thinking how can they see that it looks bad so fast? How can these people spot me just like that? Is it really that bad? What is it they see when they look at me and instantly zone in on my eyes? Do my eyes really look that disfigured? I wish I knew the answers. I'm ok about it - it does bother me a little though not enough to go into deep dispair as I think I've already been through the worst.
I started sleeping on my back a few nights ago ie my body wanted it in that it would start sliding down and just didn't want to sleep inclined anymore after several weeks of sleeping on the bed wedge. My eyes aren't too swollen when I wake up from sleeping flat.
Am tired and we're still painting the kitchen - have had to use two coats of primer, then the overcoat and we're painting everything including door frames, skirting boards and wallpaper, and 4 doors plus ceiling. Whew! My friend from work is doing most of it - I've done 3 door frames and the skirting boards. I'm just taking a break as I'm tired. When I stand up too fast - whoosh, everything goes blank for a while ... wooooaaahh!
Will try to look for my digi camera upstairs which is where I think I left it in the bedroom and will take some pics and hopefully post one if anything later tonite.
Interesting feeling going round everyday thinking your eyes look ugly and knowing everyone else can see it blatantly and rub their eyes in empathy of you. How much lower can one's self esteem go? (sighs). It's just the way it is. I've had to just come to terms with the feelings. It's not as bad as before and I do look much better - it's just I'm confused as to how much other people can see in how my eyes are bad cos hey surely people aren't that noticeable of someone else's eyes. I just wish I could grab someone who's staring and just ask them what they can see and /or what they think instead of letting my imagination get away with me. Some days I feel someone is going to come up to me and ask me what happened to your eyes?! Eeek! It would be nice if they said "Nice eyes (smiles)" -- I wonder if that day will ever come. I hope so. I hope Jane is able to work on making both my eyes look the same shape with the mucosal mouth graft (if we do do that) or if my eyes will change over the next few months?
My lower eyelid hollow in the right eye is less noticeable than it was after surgery cos of my right cheek swelling etc though it's definitely hollow. Not as sunken as before and I'm able to deal with it more cos I no longer look like an old lady with a sunken eye. It's trial and error I understand though it's like I have to live 24/7 with my face on public display and when it's noticeable to all who see me that something isn't right, it's quite a beating to take to the self esteem to feel disfigured.
But I'm fine, really. I see Jane on Weds and aim to have all my questions ready to be asked and I hope Jane is able to give me ample time to answer them and not put them off to the next consult.
I found out this weekend that each time Jane takes a pic of me, she charges £25. Interesting.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Week 8 post op : Thurs 27 July 06
I think I got my calculations all wrong and I'm now in my 8th week of recovery - well I'm sure that's how I counted it on the calendar. Mon 5th June being my surgery date.
In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).
When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.
I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.
It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.
My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.
In the mornings when I wake my left eye sticks to the eyeball and when I blink it opens in slow motion cos it's stuck to the eyeball. This is so weird. I can't even remember if it's always like this though I do know each morning I have problems with my eyes and vision and it takes forever to see properly. Today I noticed that my left eye (not my right) just took ages to open up as it was stuck seemingly on my left eyeball. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this (though I assume it's part and parcel of the healing journey).
When I blink my left eye, I can feel what feels like a stitch (as it feels like grit) in the outer corner of my eye and that smart remains pretty much all the time. I'm not sure if it's cos the eye is dry or if it's a stitch or what. It then has a burning sensation. This sensation is there all the time when I make an effort to blink slowly. Normally my blink seems half blink ie I don't blink properly - I noted this when I took a video of my blink - I seem to half blink. Note to self: Speak to Jane re this.
I was doing ok today and then saw a few people ie first CW and then AH rub their eyes and flick away while they are talking to me. AH doesn't even know I had eye surgery cos he hadn't started with the team yet, I don't think when I went away in Dec (or was he here?). It just gets me down whenever I see them do that. And they're talking to me while they do it, and it's not like something is bothering them on their eyes and they look away, close their eyes and rub etc -- nope it's rub and look at moi at the same time ... and I'm sure it's subconscious empathy though I don't know anymore. My heart just sinks whenever it happens as it happens pretty much every day even with strangers. I just want to ask them whether my eyes look that bad and/or what it is they see and to get their thoughts. Well my friend at dinner the other day said that most people's eyes don't look normal anyway when I showed him what to look for ie the white schleral show ... well though he doesn't really care anyway about how people look.
It just gets me down a little (a lot sometimes). I feel sad when it happens and it just is a reminder of all that's happened over the past year and a half and is a reminder that there's still a journey ahead of me and that I am still disfigured which people are aware of on a daily basis cos they rub their lower eyelids.
My eyes have a tendency cos of the lower eyelid droop to look like they are cross eyed and/or looking in different directions or something along those lines at time and that upsets me cos I've caught my eyes doing that at times. I'm not sure if it's the lower eyelid droop and/or the Holmes Adie Syndrome in my eyes and/or a bit of both. I suspect it's a bit of both.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Tues 25 July 06
Today I woke up with my left eye smarting, red and tearing and feeling every so painful. I kept wanting to rub it and it felt like I had lots of grit in my eye. The frustrating part was I can no longer lift any skin from my upper eyelid as there's not much there nor on my lower eyelid to see if I can move the grit though I have a feeling it was the stitches I could feel. All I wanted to do was roll my eyes to get rid of that gritty feeling which was very uncomfortable.
The feeling continued throughout the day at work (I think it's keratitis - which is the inflamation of the cornea). My left eye had tears flowing down all day and I was constantly using a tissue to wipe away the tears and using the tissue to rub my outer eye where I could feel the discomfort of the grit or stitch. It just felt like a knot inside my outer eye. It was a particularly bad day and my right lower eyelid kept throbbing and was quite painful.
At this stage, at 7 weeks post surgery, it feels my eyes have still a way to go yet of healing. And noting yesterday that my left upper eyelid fat transfer seems to be subsiding just made my heart miss a beat. Oh nooooo! It seemed ok today though it's not looking good if at 7 weeks there's signs of the fat disappearing. The right upper eyelid seems fine, per before. I don't understand this. I must ask Jane for her thoughts. I hope I get the opportunity to ask her all the questions I would like to.
My eyes still feel very uncomfortable when I blink. However when I use my fingers to support my outer eyes, the blink feels good and normal ie they don't have far to move meaning the lower eyes don't have far to move when I hold them up to where I feel they should be. Both the left eye and right eye feel different levels of discomfort when I shut them.
When I try and use eyeliner on my eyes, my right eye is fine though when I try to shut my left eye and use eyeliner, the eye is all puffy and I can't shut it too well and my right eyebrow raises so that my right eye can see properly. I'm perplexed with all these things happening to my eyes and eyebrows. I'd like to understand what's going on and sooooo need Jane to explain them to me hopefully in layman's terms (smiles) next week.
My right eyebrow feels bruised in the middle and is sore to the touch - it's been like this for a while though seems to be getting worse. Again this is something else I don't understand and wonder if it's related to the fat transfer injection and/or the brow lift. Must ask Jane. Note to self.
Met an old friend for dinner tonite whom I hadn't seen for 3 months; and was dreading he'd notice my lower left eyelid droop though he didn't say anything. I mentioned it to him after ie that I'd had surgery 7 weeks ago (he knew about my previous surgeries) and he said he could see the lagopthalmus when I shut my eyes though hadn't noticed the lower left eyelid droop. I did feel better whew though feel cos of his age, he's not too bothered about people's eyes and small details like that - he's almost 50 (not that that's old!). I've known him for 24 years now. Wow! On the way back to the car, he kept saying how young I looked. Interesting. I said it was my eye surgery - he said nah, it was cos I hadn't had kids.
The feeling continued throughout the day at work (I think it's keratitis - which is the inflamation of the cornea). My left eye had tears flowing down all day and I was constantly using a tissue to wipe away the tears and using the tissue to rub my outer eye where I could feel the discomfort of the grit or stitch. It just felt like a knot inside my outer eye. It was a particularly bad day and my right lower eyelid kept throbbing and was quite painful.
At this stage, at 7 weeks post surgery, it feels my eyes have still a way to go yet of healing. And noting yesterday that my left upper eyelid fat transfer seems to be subsiding just made my heart miss a beat. Oh nooooo! It seemed ok today though it's not looking good if at 7 weeks there's signs of the fat disappearing. The right upper eyelid seems fine, per before. I don't understand this. I must ask Jane for her thoughts. I hope I get the opportunity to ask her all the questions I would like to.
My eyes still feel very uncomfortable when I blink. However when I use my fingers to support my outer eyes, the blink feels good and normal ie they don't have far to move meaning the lower eyes don't have far to move when I hold them up to where I feel they should be. Both the left eye and right eye feel different levels of discomfort when I shut them.
When I try and use eyeliner on my eyes, my right eye is fine though when I try to shut my left eye and use eyeliner, the eye is all puffy and I can't shut it too well and my right eyebrow raises so that my right eye can see properly. I'm perplexed with all these things happening to my eyes and eyebrows. I'd like to understand what's going on and sooooo need Jane to explain them to me hopefully in layman's terms (smiles) next week.
My right eyebrow feels bruised in the middle and is sore to the touch - it's been like this for a while though seems to be getting worse. Again this is something else I don't understand and wonder if it's related to the fat transfer injection and/or the brow lift. Must ask Jane. Note to self.
Met an old friend for dinner tonite whom I hadn't seen for 3 months; and was dreading he'd notice my lower left eyelid droop though he didn't say anything. I mentioned it to him after ie that I'd had surgery 7 weeks ago (he knew about my previous surgeries) and he said he could see the lagopthalmus when I shut my eyes though hadn't noticed the lower left eyelid droop. I did feel better whew though feel cos of his age, he's not too bothered about people's eyes and small details like that - he's almost 50 (not that that's old!). I've known him for 24 years now. Wow! On the way back to the car, he kept saying how young I looked. Interesting. I said it was my eye surgery - he said nah, it was cos I hadn't had kids.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Monday 24th July 06 - 7 weeks post op
I had an amazing weekend being initiated into Level 1 of Babaji's Hatha Kriya Yoga at the Murugan Temple! Wow! The workshop was intense and yet inspiring from start to finish and the yoga postures were very familiar and brought back wonderful memories from childhood as I did most of those postures as a child for fun ie crab pose, fish pose, shoulder stand, plough etc! I feel wonderful and now have a inspirational set of breathing and meditation exercises to do every morning plus yoga postures which will make a big difference. I feel so alive and connected to life. Anyway, onward with my sharing on my eyes....
Over the weekend, probably Sunday, because my right eye outer corner feels so tight and the eyebrow lifts each time I shut my left eye cos it can't see properly, and it just doesn't feel or look right, I was drawn to taking a ruler to see if the outer eye tip corners were level and hmm, nope they are not. The right outer eye corner/tip (if you understand what I mean) is much lower than the left outer eye retraction and especially so when I lift the left lower eyelid outer eye (which will happen when the spacer is introduced). It explains now why my right upper eyebrow lifts when my left eye is shut, ie cos the right eye shape is all different and curves in too much. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. I am hoping it's something that Jane can correct ie if it's been oversewn etc and hope it's not something that is irreversible.
The other thing I noticed this afternoon in the mirror in the bathroom at work was that oh noooooo, my left upper eyelid is starting to show signs of that crinkle again ie where the fat disappears. (sniffles). I hope it doesn't go back to how it was before surgery on the 5th June - that would be terrible. I don't know much about Coleman Fat Transfer though I didn't think that the fat would disappear too much with Coleman considering that excess fat is injected. Another topic to discuss with Jane.
At the yoga workshop the teacher had to look at my eyes when they were shut to watch me do a breathing meditation and I saw him looking at my left eye which doesn't close ie the lagophtalmus (I felt very self conscious). Then when he was checking my breathing technique again later he rubbed at both his outer eyes when looking at me - most likely sensing what I'd had done with his intuition as I didn't think my scars could be seen. Then later, whenever he'd speak with me, he'd flick away at his left eye (which mirrors mine) which I'm getting used to now though it still makes my heart sink and I feel very sad about the way my eyes look. There's nothing I can do about it but live with it until the next revision.
At least I have my yoga breathing and meditation techniques now (smiles) and my hatha kriya yoga postures and I'm happy (smiles). I meet with Jane for my follow up consult next Weds and I'm very intrigued as to her take on matters on my healing journey so far. I think she'll be disappointed though it's a question of continuing to try. 6 months from now ie December hopefully would be an appropriate time for another revision and I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The right eye being too tight feels very claustrophobic at times and I want to just automatically raise my eyebrows to lift my eyes open as it doesn't feel right and/or I'll use my fingertips to raise and pull out my outer eyes for a bit of relief.
A copy of my post on MMH's eye forum http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=20601.
Om Kriya Babaji Nama Aum
Indi
Over the weekend, probably Sunday, because my right eye outer corner feels so tight and the eyebrow lifts each time I shut my left eye cos it can't see properly, and it just doesn't feel or look right, I was drawn to taking a ruler to see if the outer eye tip corners were level and hmm, nope they are not. The right outer eye corner/tip (if you understand what I mean) is much lower than the left outer eye retraction and especially so when I lift the left lower eyelid outer eye (which will happen when the spacer is introduced). It explains now why my right upper eyebrow lifts when my left eye is shut, ie cos the right eye shape is all different and curves in too much. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. I am hoping it's something that Jane can correct ie if it's been oversewn etc and hope it's not something that is irreversible.
The other thing I noticed this afternoon in the mirror in the bathroom at work was that oh noooooo, my left upper eyelid is starting to show signs of that crinkle again ie where the fat disappears. (sniffles). I hope it doesn't go back to how it was before surgery on the 5th June - that would be terrible. I don't know much about Coleman Fat Transfer though I didn't think that the fat would disappear too much with Coleman considering that excess fat is injected. Another topic to discuss with Jane.
At the yoga workshop the teacher had to look at my eyes when they were shut to watch me do a breathing meditation and I saw him looking at my left eye which doesn't close ie the lagophtalmus (I felt very self conscious). Then when he was checking my breathing technique again later he rubbed at both his outer eyes when looking at me - most likely sensing what I'd had done with his intuition as I didn't think my scars could be seen. Then later, whenever he'd speak with me, he'd flick away at his left eye (which mirrors mine) which I'm getting used to now though it still makes my heart sink and I feel very sad about the way my eyes look. There's nothing I can do about it but live with it until the next revision.
At least I have my yoga breathing and meditation techniques now (smiles) and my hatha kriya yoga postures and I'm happy (smiles). I meet with Jane for my follow up consult next Weds and I'm very intrigued as to her take on matters on my healing journey so far. I think she'll be disappointed though it's a question of continuing to try. 6 months from now ie December hopefully would be an appropriate time for another revision and I hope I don't have to wait too much longer. The right eye being too tight feels very claustrophobic at times and I want to just automatically raise my eyebrows to lift my eyes open as it doesn't feel right and/or I'll use my fingertips to raise and pull out my outer eyes for a bit of relief.
A copy of my post on MMH's eye forum http://messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=20601.
Om Kriya Babaji Nama Aum
Indi
Friday, July 21, 2006
Friday 21 July 06 - 6 weeks 4 days post op
Last nite while I was moisturing my face, I noticed that when I close my left eye and keep my right eye open, my right upper eyebrow lifts up automatically cos my right eye can't see properly (ie vision is blocked) and if I close my right eye, my left eye is normal and the eyebrow doesn't move. Arrggggh!! It was quite freaky. I only experimented cos I'd mentioned last nite on my blog that I'd been noticing more and more that my right side of forehead, right upper eye and right corner of the eye had numb sensations all down and the right outer eye feels tight and looks tight and I'm hoping it's all temporary and it'll ease up at some point in the next few weeks and return to some form of normality (fingers and toes crossed). It's another point I'll have to remember to mention to Jane.
I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.
There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.
Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.
So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.
I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.
Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...
I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....
I took some pictures and will post them over the next few days.
There is a temp at work and we've been speaking a lot the past couple of days and today I noticed that she kept flicking at her lower eye while speaking to me (sighs). Another person who's reflecting back at me my "deformity" - this is how I see it though I try not to let it get to me so much these days cos the worst hopefully is over which was the wig period and the lump period. My eyes are much better now and I know they still need work and at times can look disfigured and cross eyed and even I get shocked (arrgh) when I catch a look of myself in the mirror talking (when I talk to myself (grins)) and my heart misses a beat and I feel sorry for the person in the mirror that I'm looking at.
Having my hair grow back and look reasonably normal has given me back my self confidence as my hair has always been part of what makes me me. The hair cut I have helps and I like how it looks which is so very important to my self esteem. The wig just tore me up every day inside each time both wearing it and looking at myself in the mirror.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I just want to be able to live my life normally without any weird stares. I can emphatise with how disabled and disfigured people feel with stares they get every day. At least people don't avoid looking me in the eye anymore which they did do when my left lump and lower left eyelid retraction was really bad; and at least people at work don't stare at me or my hair when talking to me.
So I'm at a bearable stage right now, though sometimes when my hormones are fragile, it can get to me and I just want to run home, lock the door and throw away the key until I look like a normal looking human being again with normal eyes.
I keep thinking some days - look at the my eyes when they're closed with the lagopthalmus (spelling?) - knowing what I know about how I look with my eyes closed, I can never kiss a guy until they're fixed nor can I close my eyes in a train and fall asleep cos of how I look with my eyes shut.
Tonite starting dinner, my whole head at the top started itching soooooooo badly, it was unbearable. It started at the top middle of the head and worked it's way around my whole head and I just couldn't stop scratching. It also felt like nerves or ants were running all over the top of my head and I couldn't understand where or why it started happening ie the nerves/ants. It was like my head was on fire and I couldn't control it. I used ice packs though some friends also called and I was on the phone to them and didn't really want to talk and tried to keep it short as I have a yoga weekend all weekend but she kept going cos she needed to talk .... and so I carried on scratching and prepping my dinner and multi tasking as we women do ... and at times she only had 50% of my attention as I was also doing my blog at the same time (reading it) and she caught me out a few times asking me questions (ergh!). Well I did tell her at the beginning I could only offer her 20 mins and she took over an hour ...
I'm on a kriya yoga weekend all weekend and need to get up at 5.30am tomorrow and also Sunday and it's going to be a long hard week and I won't have much time, if at all to post. I may get a chance to post tomorrow nite though I'll have a guest staying with me and may need to play hostess. In which case I'll be back Monday....
Thursday, July 20, 2006
6 weeks 3 days post op - Thurs 20 July 06
My left outer eye feels wind blown and dry a lot, as well as hot and at nite, when I wake during the middle of the night, both eyes feel very dry even though I'm using Lacrilube. My blink is very slow motion and is an effort.
My outer eyes on both eyes still feel tight (Jane mentioned this would happen) though I'm not sure if this is permanent and/or temporary. My right outer eye feels tighter than my left outer eye - by outer eye I mean the outside corner of the eyes. It feels that Jane sewed (for use of a word) my left outer eye more than my left eye as I can't open my right eye as wide as I can my left eye which feels it has more movement whereas my right eye feels tight and restricted and at times claustrophobic. It doesn't feel normal; and I'm not even sure if it's something permanent or temporary - I'll need to ask Jane this when I see her week after next. At times I feel it's too tight and I keep thinking that hopefully it's reversible and when Jane does the next revision, she can untighten it or something ... I hope so as I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like I can't open my right eye fully and that it's sewn shut partially at the outer corner.
It has changed the shape of my right eye slightly and my outer upper eyelid seems to curve down more than my left upper eyelid shapewise. Could be related to the numb feeling below - I'm not sure.
Lately my right upper eye area has been feeling numb including my right side of the forehead. I thought it was the endoscopic numb feeling but I don't think I've felt this numbness in my right upper eye and side before - it all seems related to the incision area where the fat transfer went into as that specific "hole" or injection is numb and the area down from it. It feels weird and is a sensation that I hope will eventually go away / heal. It's that feeling you get at the dentist when he's injected anaethesthic into your gums and you can't feel a thing. The area on my left upper eye/side and forehead feel normal.
My incision lines on my lower and upper eyelids are still very prominent. Now that I'm typing my right outer eyelid feels claustrophically tight and it's very uncomfortable - I try to not think about it too much. The itchiness has subsided a little.
It's been very hot at night - 30 degrees C upstairs in the bedroom!
My outer eyes on both eyes still feel tight (Jane mentioned this would happen) though I'm not sure if this is permanent and/or temporary. My right outer eye feels tighter than my left outer eye - by outer eye I mean the outside corner of the eyes. It feels that Jane sewed (for use of a word) my left outer eye more than my left eye as I can't open my right eye as wide as I can my left eye which feels it has more movement whereas my right eye feels tight and restricted and at times claustrophobic. It doesn't feel normal; and I'm not even sure if it's something permanent or temporary - I'll need to ask Jane this when I see her week after next. At times I feel it's too tight and I keep thinking that hopefully it's reversible and when Jane does the next revision, she can untighten it or something ... I hope so as I wouldn't want to go through life feeling like I can't open my right eye fully and that it's sewn shut partially at the outer corner.
It has changed the shape of my right eye slightly and my outer upper eyelid seems to curve down more than my left upper eyelid shapewise. Could be related to the numb feeling below - I'm not sure.
Lately my right upper eye area has been feeling numb including my right side of the forehead. I thought it was the endoscopic numb feeling but I don't think I've felt this numbness in my right upper eye and side before - it all seems related to the incision area where the fat transfer went into as that specific "hole" or injection is numb and the area down from it. It feels weird and is a sensation that I hope will eventually go away / heal. It's that feeling you get at the dentist when he's injected anaethesthic into your gums and you can't feel a thing. The area on my left upper eye/side and forehead feel normal.
My incision lines on my lower and upper eyelids are still very prominent. Now that I'm typing my right outer eyelid feels claustrophically tight and it's very uncomfortable - I try to not think about it too much. The itchiness has subsided a little.
It's been very hot at night - 30 degrees C upstairs in the bedroom!
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