Jane's letter finally arrived a couple of weeks after my last consult with her on 4th May. It made interesting reading and I felt nervous about some points.
It's been a challenging few days for me at work this week - some stuff is stirring there - some of it perhaps caused by my taking 3 weeks holiday which clashes with the other secretary in the team - and I've spent the whole weekend in duress - you know how your heart feels when you've broken up with someone and feels broken in two ... well that's how mine feels as I have decided it's time to leave my group after 3 years and apply for another position in the firm. I've been feeling undervalued in the group for a while and have put up with poor treatment and this was the final straw for me. The other assistant put in a formal complaint that I've been ignoring her at work and that she's really upset by it - geez if I could have said the same about her as I have felt insulted by her behaviour towards me the past year or so and have just tolerated it. It's a long story I won't get into ... office politics is always ugly and especially so in investment banking. It's been one thing or another for me lately ie with the car incident as well 2 weeks ago.
Anyway back to the letter ... (sighs) I'm so down about work I don't even know where to start to write and share this ....
I have some eyelash ptosis which requires minor surgery on the upper eyelids to evert the lashes by a small anterior lamella reposition. There is also a little bit of a dip in the upper lid salci which will have Coleman fat injected into. This is the part where Jane warned me could get lumpy - she really wanted me to have Restylane here but I won't. I can't afford to have Restylane injected every 5-6 months for the rest of my life. I'll share pixs at a later date as to how my upper eyelid looks now which has changed a lot since the last pix I shared.
I'll need a bilateral lower lid small skin blepharoplasy (redrape) with tightening of the orbicularis up to the orbital rim and release of the lower lid retractors on the left side for the eyelid to go up. Any fat will be released bilaterally into my tear trough region and Coleman fat infiltrated into the area as well. Coleman fat will be taken from inside my knee - injection discreet to avoid bumps but adequate to fill the dips.
There will be puffiness and bruising for up to 3 weeks after surgery and mild puffiness for about 6 weeks that I will notice but others won't. Fingers crossed about this one!
The Coleman fat may require resculpting at a later date if there are any small lumps visible. The lower lid retraction on the left may recur minimally as an eyelid which has already had previous surgery does have unpredictable healing. If this does happen, Jane suggested she would have to put in a hard palate muscosal graft taken from my mouth to raise this up. Geez - this is the first I heard of it as she didn't mention it during my last consult. I'm still not sure what it means but it sounds scary and expensive!
I suffer from recurrent episodes of ocular exposure and keratisis which is very painful.
My heart hurts from thinking about my meeting with HR tomorrow and the other assistant and I can't write too much more .... my surgery is in 14 days and I'm feeling very nervous. Life is certainly challenging right now and I'm struggling to stay afloat and keep positive for all around me.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Consult with Jane Olver : 4th May 06 re lower eyelid reconstruction & fat transfer
My consultation with Jane Olver finally came round today 4th May 06, 5 months post surgery from my Y-V endow brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction.
To summarise, my next surgery is going to be a bilateral lower eyelid reconstruction where she will remove a small amount of skin and remove / smooth out the lumpy area on my left lower eyelid and tighten up the lower eyelid and remove the bulges at the end (which I didn't realise I had! doh!), and inject a tiny amount of coleman fat into my lower eyelids.
She's going to perform a sort of cantopexy on my left lower eyelid to pull it up or fix what the original butcher surgeon did and re my upper eylids, she is going to cut a bit of skin in the creases to lift the upper eyelashes a bit (or something along those lines - until I get her formal letter I am not familiar with the terminology) in both upper eyes and for the left upper eyelid where there has been that crinkly skin cos the original butcher surgeon took out too much fat, I asked her to do some coleman fat transfer from my knee there.
Jane did tell me that she felt coleman fat transfer onto my upper eyelid could feel lumpy and would take a year to settle before any final results could be judged etc. It felt she really wanted me to go with Restylane as that is her speciality but sorrie, I won't touch Restylane mainly cos I've had it before and found Restylane to be lumpy, and looked lumpy plus left bruises on my cheek for ages, I don't like the thought of it hydraulic acid dissolving slowly in my body, and in this case upper eyelid for weeks on end and I don't like the thought of having repeat injections every 6 months or so to top up as Restylane is very expensive.
My crinkly look on my upper left eyelid has sunken even more than it had before and I wonder what it looks like to the untrained eye. I've not noticed any of my work colleagues staring at my eyes since my Y-V Endo Brow Life and Bilateral Upper Eyelid reconstruction which means they're fooled (smiles) into thinking all is well. Whew! That was such a painful period to notice people staring at my eyes and more so flicking away at their own eyes when they could see the lumpy bump on my left lower eyelid - which is not as noticeable as it was before and no one is flicking away at their eye anymore, not even people in the shops and I don't notice it myself too much these days either. So thanks Jane :)
I should have written this on the day of my appt while it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm writing this a few days later, I've lost the flow of words ....
I've been working out to the Biggest Loser DVD the past 3 weeks or so and oh boy, it's hard work! I'm thin for my height but I do have a high fat percentage, as werid as that sounds - about 27% according to my scales! Though that's based on me being 39 and not 41 - so perhaps it's different. I don't know how to change my age on the scale! For the first time in my life my thighs seem to be changing shape (stubborn fatty areas of cellulite!) and also my stomach is toning up. It'd be wonderful at age 41 to finally get a 6 pack and also biceps (smiles)! I'm working on it. I'm also watching my diet and bought a heart rate monitor watch which I couldn't afford to monitor my heart rate and how much fat I burn with different workouts. I'm closing on burning about 2000 calories a week, and working an 11 hour day - not bad! The weight is coming off, but slowly. I just want to tone up and build some muscle. And also increase my stamina as I hadn't worked out since my last surgery with the butcher doctor (ie my original surgeon).
When I finish the next surgery, the intention is to resume working out fairly soon after ie perhaps 4-5 days - only in the sense of walking outside and around the block which is fairly low impact. It's so easy to rest and recuperate, eat as much as you want and think you can burn it off later. I made that big mistake - doh!!
To summarise, my next surgery is going to be a bilateral lower eyelid reconstruction where she will remove a small amount of skin and remove / smooth out the lumpy area on my left lower eyelid and tighten up the lower eyelid and remove the bulges at the end (which I didn't realise I had! doh!), and inject a tiny amount of coleman fat into my lower eyelids.
She's going to perform a sort of cantopexy on my left lower eyelid to pull it up or fix what the original butcher surgeon did and re my upper eylids, she is going to cut a bit of skin in the creases to lift the upper eyelashes a bit (or something along those lines - until I get her formal letter I am not familiar with the terminology) in both upper eyes and for the left upper eyelid where there has been that crinkly skin cos the original butcher surgeon took out too much fat, I asked her to do some coleman fat transfer from my knee there.
Jane did tell me that she felt coleman fat transfer onto my upper eyelid could feel lumpy and would take a year to settle before any final results could be judged etc. It felt she really wanted me to go with Restylane as that is her speciality but sorrie, I won't touch Restylane mainly cos I've had it before and found Restylane to be lumpy, and looked lumpy plus left bruises on my cheek for ages, I don't like the thought of it hydraulic acid dissolving slowly in my body, and in this case upper eyelid for weeks on end and I don't like the thought of having repeat injections every 6 months or so to top up as Restylane is very expensive.
My crinkly look on my upper left eyelid has sunken even more than it had before and I wonder what it looks like to the untrained eye. I've not noticed any of my work colleagues staring at my eyes since my Y-V Endo Brow Life and Bilateral Upper Eyelid reconstruction which means they're fooled (smiles) into thinking all is well. Whew! That was such a painful period to notice people staring at my eyes and more so flicking away at their own eyes when they could see the lumpy bump on my left lower eyelid - which is not as noticeable as it was before and no one is flicking away at their eye anymore, not even people in the shops and I don't notice it myself too much these days either. So thanks Jane :)
I should have written this on the day of my appt while it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm writing this a few days later, I've lost the flow of words ....
I've been working out to the Biggest Loser DVD the past 3 weeks or so and oh boy, it's hard work! I'm thin for my height but I do have a high fat percentage, as werid as that sounds - about 27% according to my scales! Though that's based on me being 39 and not 41 - so perhaps it's different. I don't know how to change my age on the scale! For the first time in my life my thighs seem to be changing shape (stubborn fatty areas of cellulite!) and also my stomach is toning up. It'd be wonderful at age 41 to finally get a 6 pack and also biceps (smiles)! I'm working on it. I'm also watching my diet and bought a heart rate monitor watch which I couldn't afford to monitor my heart rate and how much fat I burn with different workouts. I'm closing on burning about 2000 calories a week, and working an 11 hour day - not bad! The weight is coming off, but slowly. I just want to tone up and build some muscle. And also increase my stamina as I hadn't worked out since my last surgery with the butcher doctor (ie my original surgeon).
When I finish the next surgery, the intention is to resume working out fairly soon after ie perhaps 4-5 days - only in the sense of walking outside and around the block which is fairly low impact. It's so easy to rest and recuperate, eat as much as you want and think you can burn it off later. I made that big mistake - doh!!
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Another haircut Sat 22nd April 06
This is rushed - I don't have much time to share and will add to it next week. For the moment I wanted to share the latest pix of my eyes at almost 5 months post surgery (wow, time sure flies!).
I had a good day at work on Friday re my hair which seemed to have settled down (I'll post pixs next week - though have posted them on the MMH board). I even got compliments about my new hair style and most said they didn't realise the difference though knew I had had a hair cut. It's all been a bit overwhelming for me. What's been good is that cos I no longer am wearing the wig, I no longer feel fake and am more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin; though at times I look at myself in the mirror, as I do at home, or when I see pictures taken of my face, I'm reminded that my left eye is still *disfigured*. I try not to pay too much attention to it though there are times when it really stands out and I feel like a freak again (sniffles).
I've certainly been going through every emotion there is to have during the past 15 months or so. 6 weeks to go now before my next reconstruction surgery and I'm starting to feel nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Eeeek!
Here's my pix:
It's not a very good picture in that I couldn't get it to enlargen after I'd cropped it (doh!) and it doesn't show up what I'd like it to show so when I describe what I'm describing below, you probably won't be able to notice it; and th eonly thing noticeable is the left eyelashes and the lower lid droop. During next week I'll aim to get a better picture which is larger in size.
The left upper eyelid crease isn't quite right in that it isn't as prominent as the right upper eyelid; the pix is a bit small but if you look closer you'll see that the left upper eyelashes still don't curl like the right upper eyelashes; and the left lower eyelid droop is still fairly bad - it makes my left eye look deformed at times; and the left outer eyelid lump is still there though since the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction, it is much much better. Or perhaps I'm just getting used to it(?).
I had a good day at work on Friday re my hair which seemed to have settled down (I'll post pixs next week - though have posted them on the MMH board). I even got compliments about my new hair style and most said they didn't realise the difference though knew I had had a hair cut. It's all been a bit overwhelming for me. What's been good is that cos I no longer am wearing the wig, I no longer feel fake and am more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin; though at times I look at myself in the mirror, as I do at home, or when I see pictures taken of my face, I'm reminded that my left eye is still *disfigured*. I try not to pay too much attention to it though there are times when it really stands out and I feel like a freak again (sniffles).
I've certainly been going through every emotion there is to have during the past 15 months or so. 6 weeks to go now before my next reconstruction surgery and I'm starting to feel nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Eeeek!
Here's my pix:
It's not a very good picture in that I couldn't get it to enlargen after I'd cropped it (doh!) and it doesn't show up what I'd like it to show so when I describe what I'm describing below, you probably won't be able to notice it; and th eonly thing noticeable is the left eyelashes and the lower lid droop. During next week I'll aim to get a better picture which is larger in size.
The left upper eyelid crease isn't quite right in that it isn't as prominent as the right upper eyelid; the pix is a bit small but if you look closer you'll see that the left upper eyelashes still don't curl like the right upper eyelashes; and the left lower eyelid droop is still fairly bad - it makes my left eye look deformed at times; and the left outer eyelid lump is still there though since the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction, it is much much better. Or perhaps I'm just getting used to it(?).
Monday, April 17, 2006
Hair cut Thurs 12th April 06 & update
I had been planning this on and off for absolutely ages as I hated my wig so much; and finally I decided and went ahead with my plan of getting my hair cut in Blackheath village. The plan was if the hair cut and style didn't work and my thinning and bald areas from the Y-V endo brow lift were still visible, then I would ask him to cut my wig perhaps so that it looked less like dolls hair and more like human hair and/or perhaps buy a new wig in Thurrock Lakeside that looked more like human hair than a wig/dolls hair.
I walked into the hair salon (I won't mention the name just cos I don't really want to) and it was early in the morning about 9.30am - and the place was empty apart from the owner and another guy, who was a junior hairdresser. The owner, M, was adoring himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and had an air of being in love with himself. He didn't even say hello when he strutted up to me and I had to make the first introduction asking if he was M, he said yes.
I felt a little awkward at his arrogance, for use of a word, (it was arrogance but not in a bad way - more in like how gay people think that everyone loves them etc .... he'd been a model in Milan when he was young and probably spent his whole life having people tell him how good he looks etc though he'd put on weight and was no longer a model), but used to the high life.
Anyway I told him I'd had a brow lift and wanted to have my hair cut to hide the incision thinning areas and he seemed to revel at the thought of having a blank palatte to work on, saying he was the best hairdresser ever. He commented that a fringe would suit me and that which I currently had did nothing for my face, which I agreed with. He flicked through some hair magazines and came up with a few hairstyles which he said he wanted to do on me, which looked just like what I had wanted ie the Jennifer Aniston feathered look in front, and I told him I hated my hair being cut straight at the back from left to right and wanted it cut in a kinda V shape, which he agreed with.
I didn't like the girl who washed my hair as she kept splashing water all over my face and kept pulling on my scalp when she was combing my hair. I had to tell her to hold on to my hair while she pulled as that stopped the pain on the scalp. You'd think a hair washer in a salon would know that. Doh!
Anyway he got to work and while I like to just be in my own thoughts while having my hair cut, he talked away about his wonderful life as a model in Milan! It was ok as he was a nice guy but got a bit awkward when he ran out of things to say and I didn't particularly want to share my life with him as I had a feeling he'd tell the whole world and more!
I trusted him to cut my hair as he saw fit, having full confidence in his abilities and then his next customer came in and he hurried up a bit and didn't cut the back of my hair as I'd asked him to. He said that he'd been a little conservative with my fringe and that we can work on it more the next time and for me to tell him in the next few days how it settled down.
He used curlers on my hair which I didn't like and gave me this fancy look which wasn't me. He kept asking me if I liked the end result to which I said I liked the style but preferred my hair straightened and not curled. He asked why in the tone gay guys do - I didn't answer as his ego was hurt as he wanted me so much to like it and I didn't really, not the way he'd finished it.
I couldn't wait to get home to straighten out my hair and see what it really would look like from a practical sense; and whew thankfully it looked fine. I could use more hair on my fringe as it still looks too thin he cut it in a strange way (I can't explain cos I don't know how) - it just still looks a little too thin and next time I'll ask the next hairdresser to fix it so it looks a bit more natural; though it'll do for now.
I went to mom's and she asked immediately if that was my own hair and I said yes, and she said she liked the haircut, which whew is one of the first compliments ever mom has ever given me about my hair. My whole life she's asked me to perm my hair as she thinks it's too thin but she likes my hair as it is now (whew!). She said that it looks just like my wig, albeit shorter and she couldn't really tell the difference. It looks like my wig just cos I have a fringe and the Jennifer Aniston hair curles in the front (I don't know what they're called).
It's been a few days since my hair cut and I've been to Bluewater a few times now and again today and I've gotten a few double takes from young guys (which is flattering). At least I know now that they're doing double takes not cos my hair looks like a wig and/or dolls hair but cos .... errrm, I'm not too sure - perhaps they like my hair(?) .... my eyes stand out(?). Whatever the reason, it's flattering (smiles). Though the guy that did a double take today is like under 20 years of age, and half my age (grins). I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no longer in my twenties and am a grown woman that just hit her forties, though age is just in the mind right? Cos I don't have kids and have not married, I feel young, like I'm still in my 20s and my life hasn't started yet. Perhaps my energy shows that ... I dunno.
Looking at my face over a year and a half ago, before my Isolagen treatment and bleph, hmmm, yup I think I looked my age with my eye bags and jowls etc. (sighs). It does feel good to have 10 years of my life back.
Brow update
I'm still sleeping flat on my back now and have stopped sleeping inclined for a couple of weeks or so. My head no longer hurts when I wake up in the morning ie it used to smart all the time and throb in the mornings and when I'd massage (with my finger tips) my head, it'd really smart though that pain has now gone and it's less sensitive which is sooooo great and such a relief. It's taken four and a half months to get to this stage.
I no longer have those itchy scalp moments where the nerves are regrowing and thankfully I didn't have too many of them in total. Wearing the wig itself was a nightmare as my head and scalp used to suffer and be in pain cos of that. I'm soooooooooo glad I can return to work on Wednesday and no longer wear the wig. It means sooooo much to me. I'll always appreciate my hair now.
My new hairstyle brings out my eyes and cheekbones (and this is what the hairdresser told me which is why he wanted to give me the fringe). My face certainly looks different if the fringe is not there and my eyes look larger and stand out with the fringe there and I like it :) The style could use a little fine tuning as it's not quite 100% to my liking but it'll do for now. I'll probably get it cut and styled again in 3-4 weeks time before my surgery.
Eyes update
My punctal plugs are working well. The first two weeks after insertion were extremely difficult to get used to though now they've settled down well. I still sleep with my eyes open as I wake up with dry eyes still though it's much better now as it doesn't take as long as it used to for my eyes to moisten up again. It's definitely made a huge difference.
Nourkrin tablets
It's been about 8 weeks or so now since I've been taking the Nourkrin tablets and for me I feel they've been a big help towards my hair becoming thicker even though I don't think I was supposed to see results that fast or early. I definitely have new baby hair (though I'm sure the Nourkrin site doesn't say anything about Nourkin helping hair grow(?) - only makes it thicker) ... I need to go read it again.
My incision lines are still there but much hidden and the areas are still thinned but hair (baby hair) is growing around them. The way my new hair cut is styled easily hides the incision areas and also I purchased some organic eye shadow in powder form from http://theremustbeabetterway.co.uk and it does wonders in helping to hide the red incision areas (I wish I had bought the eye shadow powder earlier though I believe I did want to but they were out of stock for a while).
I'm still suffering from thrush just before my period which is worrying that the antibiotics and steroids are still having an effect on my body. I've purchased some organic ointment from http://www.theremustbeabetterway.co.uk containing Manuka Oil etc especially for candida and it is helping enormously. Stung like crazy the first time I used it but it's a huge relief now. I must tell Jane so she can avoid using the same antibiotics on me during my next surgery and hopefully avoid steroids altogether.
I've been feeling flabby for a while even though I'm 5 foot 5 and a half and weigh 8 stone 6 (I am underweight as for my height I should be 9 stone 2 pounds) but I want to lose about 5 pounds to get to 8 stone 2 or even 8 stones - give or take. I want to tone up my flabby areas and I've found much inspiration in watching The Biggest Loser Series II and even went out to purchase the Biggest Loser workout which oh my gawd is something else! It's HARD work!!! I take my hat off to those contestants who can take those workouts and even the low impact workout had me out of breath today!! Awesome! I love being inspired by others and learning and growing!
I hope to be at an ideal weight and shape by the time of my surgery in June, which is about seven weeks away now. I'm working out about 5 days a week (sometimes 4 if there's just no time cos I've worked long hours and am really sleepy). For a while I was just using my cyberrider to burn away calories but now that my Biggest Loser workout has arrived I've started using the DVD and it's just awesome!
I also found out yesterday while logging on to NBC.com that Matt and Suzy have gotten engaged (auwwww!). How wonderful! And they're so young! They're only 29 years old! I thought they were both in their 30s .... gee! Very inspirational!
Working out with the Biggest Loser DVD has given me inner strength and I love how my body feels after. And it's amazing that the workouts only last half an hour and yet geez, the workout is really tough! Great to use if you're pushed for time. I can see results happening to my body in the next 2-3 weeks if I'm consistent with the workouts and once I get to where I want to be then the rest is maintenance. It's really tough for me to find time to workout when I'm working such long hours as I try to get in my 8 hours of sleep as well which I never make and I get 6 hours if I'm lucky.
My appt with Jane is in about 3 weeks time and I'm looking forward to it very much.
I walked into the hair salon (I won't mention the name just cos I don't really want to) and it was early in the morning about 9.30am - and the place was empty apart from the owner and another guy, who was a junior hairdresser. The owner, M, was adoring himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and had an air of being in love with himself. He didn't even say hello when he strutted up to me and I had to make the first introduction asking if he was M, he said yes.
I felt a little awkward at his arrogance, for use of a word, (it was arrogance but not in a bad way - more in like how gay people think that everyone loves them etc .... he'd been a model in Milan when he was young and probably spent his whole life having people tell him how good he looks etc though he'd put on weight and was no longer a model), but used to the high life.
Anyway I told him I'd had a brow lift and wanted to have my hair cut to hide the incision thinning areas and he seemed to revel at the thought of having a blank palatte to work on, saying he was the best hairdresser ever. He commented that a fringe would suit me and that which I currently had did nothing for my face, which I agreed with. He flicked through some hair magazines and came up with a few hairstyles which he said he wanted to do on me, which looked just like what I had wanted ie the Jennifer Aniston feathered look in front, and I told him I hated my hair being cut straight at the back from left to right and wanted it cut in a kinda V shape, which he agreed with.
I didn't like the girl who washed my hair as she kept splashing water all over my face and kept pulling on my scalp when she was combing my hair. I had to tell her to hold on to my hair while she pulled as that stopped the pain on the scalp. You'd think a hair washer in a salon would know that. Doh!
Anyway he got to work and while I like to just be in my own thoughts while having my hair cut, he talked away about his wonderful life as a model in Milan! It was ok as he was a nice guy but got a bit awkward when he ran out of things to say and I didn't particularly want to share my life with him as I had a feeling he'd tell the whole world and more!
I trusted him to cut my hair as he saw fit, having full confidence in his abilities and then his next customer came in and he hurried up a bit and didn't cut the back of my hair as I'd asked him to. He said that he'd been a little conservative with my fringe and that we can work on it more the next time and for me to tell him in the next few days how it settled down.
He used curlers on my hair which I didn't like and gave me this fancy look which wasn't me. He kept asking me if I liked the end result to which I said I liked the style but preferred my hair straightened and not curled. He asked why in the tone gay guys do - I didn't answer as his ego was hurt as he wanted me so much to like it and I didn't really, not the way he'd finished it.
I couldn't wait to get home to straighten out my hair and see what it really would look like from a practical sense; and whew thankfully it looked fine. I could use more hair on my fringe as it still looks too thin he cut it in a strange way (I can't explain cos I don't know how) - it just still looks a little too thin and next time I'll ask the next hairdresser to fix it so it looks a bit more natural; though it'll do for now.
I went to mom's and she asked immediately if that was my own hair and I said yes, and she said she liked the haircut, which whew is one of the first compliments ever mom has ever given me about my hair. My whole life she's asked me to perm my hair as she thinks it's too thin but she likes my hair as it is now (whew!). She said that it looks just like my wig, albeit shorter and she couldn't really tell the difference. It looks like my wig just cos I have a fringe and the Jennifer Aniston hair curles in the front (I don't know what they're called).
It's been a few days since my hair cut and I've been to Bluewater a few times now and again today and I've gotten a few double takes from young guys (which is flattering). At least I know now that they're doing double takes not cos my hair looks like a wig and/or dolls hair but cos .... errrm, I'm not too sure - perhaps they like my hair(?) .... my eyes stand out(?). Whatever the reason, it's flattering (smiles). Though the guy that did a double take today is like under 20 years of age, and half my age (grins). I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no longer in my twenties and am a grown woman that just hit her forties, though age is just in the mind right? Cos I don't have kids and have not married, I feel young, like I'm still in my 20s and my life hasn't started yet. Perhaps my energy shows that ... I dunno.
Looking at my face over a year and a half ago, before my Isolagen treatment and bleph, hmmm, yup I think I looked my age with my eye bags and jowls etc. (sighs). It does feel good to have 10 years of my life back.
Brow update
I'm still sleeping flat on my back now and have stopped sleeping inclined for a couple of weeks or so. My head no longer hurts when I wake up in the morning ie it used to smart all the time and throb in the mornings and when I'd massage (with my finger tips) my head, it'd really smart though that pain has now gone and it's less sensitive which is sooooo great and such a relief. It's taken four and a half months to get to this stage.
I no longer have those itchy scalp moments where the nerves are regrowing and thankfully I didn't have too many of them in total. Wearing the wig itself was a nightmare as my head and scalp used to suffer and be in pain cos of that. I'm soooooooooo glad I can return to work on Wednesday and no longer wear the wig. It means sooooo much to me. I'll always appreciate my hair now.
My new hairstyle brings out my eyes and cheekbones (and this is what the hairdresser told me which is why he wanted to give me the fringe). My face certainly looks different if the fringe is not there and my eyes look larger and stand out with the fringe there and I like it :) The style could use a little fine tuning as it's not quite 100% to my liking but it'll do for now. I'll probably get it cut and styled again in 3-4 weeks time before my surgery.
Eyes update
My punctal plugs are working well. The first two weeks after insertion were extremely difficult to get used to though now they've settled down well. I still sleep with my eyes open as I wake up with dry eyes still though it's much better now as it doesn't take as long as it used to for my eyes to moisten up again. It's definitely made a huge difference.
Nourkrin tablets
It's been about 8 weeks or so now since I've been taking the Nourkrin tablets and for me I feel they've been a big help towards my hair becoming thicker even though I don't think I was supposed to see results that fast or early. I definitely have new baby hair (though I'm sure the Nourkrin site doesn't say anything about Nourkin helping hair grow(?) - only makes it thicker) ... I need to go read it again.
My incision lines are still there but much hidden and the areas are still thinned but hair (baby hair) is growing around them. The way my new hair cut is styled easily hides the incision areas and also I purchased some organic eye shadow in powder form from http://theremustbeabetterway.co.uk and it does wonders in helping to hide the red incision areas (I wish I had bought the eye shadow powder earlier though I believe I did want to but they were out of stock for a while).
I'm still suffering from thrush just before my period which is worrying that the antibiotics and steroids are still having an effect on my body. I've purchased some organic ointment from http://www.theremustbeabetterway.co.uk containing Manuka Oil etc especially for candida and it is helping enormously. Stung like crazy the first time I used it but it's a huge relief now. I must tell Jane so she can avoid using the same antibiotics on me during my next surgery and hopefully avoid steroids altogether.
I've been feeling flabby for a while even though I'm 5 foot 5 and a half and weigh 8 stone 6 (I am underweight as for my height I should be 9 stone 2 pounds) but I want to lose about 5 pounds to get to 8 stone 2 or even 8 stones - give or take. I want to tone up my flabby areas and I've found much inspiration in watching The Biggest Loser Series II and even went out to purchase the Biggest Loser workout which oh my gawd is something else! It's HARD work!!! I take my hat off to those contestants who can take those workouts and even the low impact workout had me out of breath today!! Awesome! I love being inspired by others and learning and growing!
I hope to be at an ideal weight and shape by the time of my surgery in June, which is about seven weeks away now. I'm working out about 5 days a week (sometimes 4 if there's just no time cos I've worked long hours and am really sleepy). For a while I was just using my cyberrider to burn away calories but now that my Biggest Loser workout has arrived I've started using the DVD and it's just awesome!
I also found out yesterday while logging on to NBC.com that Matt and Suzy have gotten engaged (auwwww!). How wonderful! And they're so young! They're only 29 years old! I thought they were both in their 30s .... gee! Very inspirational!
Working out with the Biggest Loser DVD has given me inner strength and I love how my body feels after. And it's amazing that the workouts only last half an hour and yet geez, the workout is really tough! Great to use if you're pushed for time. I can see results happening to my body in the next 2-3 weeks if I'm consistent with the workouts and once I get to where I want to be then the rest is maintenance. It's really tough for me to find time to workout when I'm working such long hours as I try to get in my 8 hours of sleep as well which I never make and I get 6 hours if I'm lucky.
My appt with Jane is in about 3 weeks time and I'm looking forward to it very much.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
9 weeks to go before my next reconstruction surgery
I'm now at the 4 and a half months post surgery mark. I'm still suffering from thrush even though I'm doing all I can to help prevent it including taking probiotics. I can feel it coming on again though it's not as strong an attack so maybe the probiotics are helping after all; and hopefully perhaps it won't come on and will just pass through. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed. I have purchased some more Vagiclear or whatever it's call which is a course of 10 days and will start to use that tonite.
I've been keeping my head low and working hard both at work and at home. I'm getting up extra early to make my breakfast and lunch and going to work extra early, coming home, working out, shower, protein shake and head for bed and its the same thing next day. I've been inspired by The Biggest Loser Series II, and admire all of the folk on there who've showed such determination to lose weight and how far they have come. Hey the guy that came in second even had a six pack on his stomach - now that's awesome!! I may be skinny but I have flab in lots of places which I need to tone up; and when I had my BUPA assessment last year, they said I needed to build up muscle tone.
I've lost a couple of pounds and my jeans feel lose again and it feels great. I also like that I get so tired after I work out and I fall asleep almost instantly. I'm trying to get 8 hours but I end up with about 7 or 6 hours sleep. At least it's better than what the bankers get at work as they get 2-3 hours if they are lucky - though they're only 23 years old plus and analysts. I've done my time at the bank the past 10 years and have done my all nighters.
I'm still keeping a low profile from my best friend and others as I need to take care of myself for a while. I'm still in a delicate space and it's like if I go back to those old haunts, I'll get dragged back into that black hole again and I don't want to go there again. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I still hate wearing my wig to work as I swear it looks to me to be so obvious that it's a wig even though I still get compliments and people ask me whether it's my natural hair colour etc. (sighs). I've got 9 weeks to go wearing the wig as I checked my hair condition and while my hair is much better, I'm still not confident to not wear the wig just yet as my eyes are fairly obvious when I'm not wearing my wig in that currently my fringe in wig helps hide my eyes and if I stopped wearing the wig right now, my left eye droop and my upper eyelid crinkle etc are fairly noticeable and I can't bear people staring at me again so I think I may need to wait till my next surgery reconstruction is over before I stop wearing my wig.
I so wanted to stop wearing my wig after the easter weekend. I wanted to have a new hair cut and then go back to work with it and hope it hides my eyes somehow. I may try to do that ... we'll see. I don't even know where to go to get my hair cut.
Time for bed / Indi
I've been keeping my head low and working hard both at work and at home. I'm getting up extra early to make my breakfast and lunch and going to work extra early, coming home, working out, shower, protein shake and head for bed and its the same thing next day. I've been inspired by The Biggest Loser Series II, and admire all of the folk on there who've showed such determination to lose weight and how far they have come. Hey the guy that came in second even had a six pack on his stomach - now that's awesome!! I may be skinny but I have flab in lots of places which I need to tone up; and when I had my BUPA assessment last year, they said I needed to build up muscle tone.
I've lost a couple of pounds and my jeans feel lose again and it feels great. I also like that I get so tired after I work out and I fall asleep almost instantly. I'm trying to get 8 hours but I end up with about 7 or 6 hours sleep. At least it's better than what the bankers get at work as they get 2-3 hours if they are lucky - though they're only 23 years old plus and analysts. I've done my time at the bank the past 10 years and have done my all nighters.
I'm still keeping a low profile from my best friend and others as I need to take care of myself for a while. I'm still in a delicate space and it's like if I go back to those old haunts, I'll get dragged back into that black hole again and I don't want to go there again. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I still hate wearing my wig to work as I swear it looks to me to be so obvious that it's a wig even though I still get compliments and people ask me whether it's my natural hair colour etc. (sighs). I've got 9 weeks to go wearing the wig as I checked my hair condition and while my hair is much better, I'm still not confident to not wear the wig just yet as my eyes are fairly obvious when I'm not wearing my wig in that currently my fringe in wig helps hide my eyes and if I stopped wearing the wig right now, my left eye droop and my upper eyelid crinkle etc are fairly noticeable and I can't bear people staring at me again so I think I may need to wait till my next surgery reconstruction is over before I stop wearing my wig.
I so wanted to stop wearing my wig after the easter weekend. I wanted to have a new hair cut and then go back to work with it and hope it hides my eyes somehow. I may try to do that ... we'll see. I don't even know where to go to get my hair cut.
Time for bed / Indi
Thursday, March 23, 2006
4 month mark post surgery (Thurs 23rd March 06)
I think I'm at the 4 month post surgery mark this week ... awesome!
I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.
I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.
I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.
Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.
The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).
One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).
Nite
Indi
I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.
I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.
I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.
Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.
The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).
One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).
Nite
Indi
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thurs 16th March 06
I'm losing track of time now - I think I'm on week 15 post surgery, which is three months and three weeks.
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Week 14 (end of) : Sun 12th March 06
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery in Jan 06
Pix taken Feb 062 months post surgery
Pix taken Sun 12 March 06
3 months and 2 weeks post surgery.
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery (Jan 06) eyes closed
14 weeks (Mar 06) eyes closed. Much improvement, thankfully! Though there's still lagophthalmos of about 3mm in left eye and 1mm in right eye.
Today is the end of my two and a half month post surgery period, Sun 12th March 06.
I feel extremely sad, upset and disappointed looking at how my hairstyle is as I do not like it ... I actually hate it. I hate my fringe and I hate the way the hairdresser cut the back of my hair which is all straight without any feathering, which it had before and even my wig looks much better at the end as it looks like the hair is feathered at the end, unlike my normal hair.
My incisions lines are healing and hair is growing slowly back and each day and week it gets much better with more hair growing and I'm able to find more hair parting now, which is great; though my fringe lets me down as does my hair style which I hate and I am seriously considering finding a hairdresser (which will be tricky as I don't have one and the last time I had my hair cut, apart from the a**hole who cut it in Feb and gave me a fringe was about 2-3 years ago and they've shut down (I had my hair cut there for 5 years - I used to have it really short, like a boy).
I think my mind is made up and I'm going to have my hair cut short again - in a style similar to Debbie's as that's how my hair was before (kinda) and trim off a few more inches perhaps if needed to get rid of the straight line that the a**hole hairdresser from that saloon in Blackheath gave me. If you look at all the hairstyles where people have extensions, the back of their hair looks like how mine currently is .... straight line and yukky.
Punctal Plugs
I seem to be getting used to my punctal plugs and they're not giving me as hard a time as they did in the beginning. Perhaps that was an adjustment period(?). But I seem to be ok with them now. I'll take it day by day and see how it goes. Jane did say that I can always take them out myself if they got really bad.
Eyes
When I look at myself in the mirror when cleansing my face daily in the am and pm, I do like what I see, eye wise and yesterday I noticed that the lump in my left eye wasn't as prominent as it used to be and seems to be getting smaller, though when I smile, it protrudes out a lot still. When I touch it, it feels all gritty underneath and lumpy, not how an eye is supposed to feel.
Changes
Lots of changes happening in my life. M.R. called from Florida yesterday after almost a year of not hearing from him. He moved from England to Florida about 15 months ago. I've known him for 5 years since we did a workshop together and he's been after me all that time, trying all the tricks in the book to seduce me. I never knew how to tell him I wasn't interested as I didn't want to hurt his feelings and would just ignore his advances. Till yesterday.... the subject came up and I told him that while he was attractive and there has been chemistry between us, it didn't mean that I wanted to sleep with him, as he was married first of all, and I didn't want to be another trophy in the line of women he had slept with during his marriage. I said I viewed him as a good friend and that was it. I had no intentions of wanting to have a physical relationship with him. He was quite taken aback and I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.
K.P, an ex boyfriend who I broke up with 20 years ago has for the past 20 years been harassing me in one way or another, pretending to be my friend while having the ulterior motive of wanting to rekindle a physical relationship with me, even though he's married with kids, he's another guy who has affairs outside his marriage. I've tried everything I can in the past 20 years to tell him I'm not interested, and have avoided his phone calls though after 6 months to a year or so he'll call back again and keep trying and pretending to be my friend. This time, I've had enough of the "GroundHog day" events with us and have avoided his phone calls the past 3 weeks or so and just delete his voicemails when I hear his name. He calls me at least 4 times a week, if not more. Sometimes 3 times a day.
The reason these guys keep sniffing around is cos I'm still single (story of my life) and they think (in their weird male minds) that they have a chance of getting intimate cos I don't have a man around. I hate the way this works as I have to literally be a recluse in my house at times as if I go out, there's a young 18 year old boy across the road who's got a huge crush on me and he keeps coming up and asking if he can help me decorate etc and won't take no for an answer no matter how firm I am. And there's Postman P who has been stalking me for 16 years, and he too will wait outside my house and if I am out there, will pounce etc and things get so uncomfortable as he's totally in love with me. Those who've been stalked will understand.
Thou I feel a shift now finally and I'm backing away from all people and places in my life that I feel drained by etc and taking care of myelf for a while and learn the skills to take care of myself.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Endorphins :)
I wasn't going to post tonite as I'd run out of time and it's time for bed though I'd just posted to Suz at the Make Me Heal Board and was inspired to share a little more here (smiles).
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Follow up consult with Jane Olver : Tues 7th March 06
I'm on my three and a half month period post surgery. Week 14 post surgery this week.
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Week 13 : Sat 4th March 2006
I'm just over the three month and one week post surgery mark this week.
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Week 11 post surgery : Sun 26 Feb 06
I'm losing count now - I think I'm now at the end of Week 11 today, Sun 26th Feb 06 and tomorrow Mon 27th Feb 06 is the start of Week 12 post surgery ie 3 months post surgery.
You can find me on the Make Me Heal Board on the thread about my brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction at : http://www.messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&start=210
Life is fairly busy right now with me working almost 12 hour days and exercising when I return home and it's straight to bed. My hormones are playing up again and my thrush has returned for the 3rd month in a row since my surgery. I'm very concerned that the antibiotics and steroids were that strong to still be causing the thrush. I certainly don't get thrush normally and it's been years since I had it even when I was on antibiotics before I didn't get thrush. (sniffles). It's very painful and extremely uncomfortable.
I purchased Vagiclear http://www.highernature.co.uk/cgi-bin/HN.storefront/EN/ from http://www.highernature.co.uk and used the first tablet last nite and it seems to have had some effect thankfully. It's a course of ten tablets nightly over ten days.
Natural vaginal health
When in good health, the vagina is naturally supported by benign probiotic bacteria. But the vagina can also be invaded by yeasts and pathogenic bacteria, especially during and following a course of antibiotics. Vagiclear provides an exceptionally high potency of five probiotic bacteria, including: L acidophilus, L. plantarum, L. rhamnosus, L. casei and L. delbruekii, selected by experts to optimally repopulate the vagina. A course of Vagiclear is designed to be applied for 10 consecutive nights. A special applicator is also available (which is non-discountable)
On Tuesday this week, 21st Feb, I went to the Western Eye Hospital for my appt with Jane Olver to have my punctal plugs inserted. I was in for a surprise as a private room awaited me, which BUPA had made clear that they would not pay for and while I was only in the room for 2 hours, the charge will be approx £230 (ouch) which I'll have to pay for myself. It seemed I was in there as a Day Case and Jane hadn't mentioned this at all. I thought I was going to go in and out just like that. But oh no, the nurses prepped me ie took all my medical details, and even put me in a gown though thankfully I didn't need to take my clothes off. The nurse kept saying I was going into theatre ... and I was like, huh? But I'm only there to have punctal plugs put in ..... and thought it was like having contact lenses put in ..... and couldn't understand the big deal.
I was prepped and primed and the whole procedure took just 5 mins. Jane just put in anaesthethic eye drops which left a strange sensation or non sensation perhaps I should say though I could still see and voila injected in the punctal plugs in both eyes. She said I'd have watery eyes for the next 48 hours and/or slight bruising and I had neither. Though on the second night my left eye did tear all night which was bad and the next day it strung all day and felt awful - like it couldn't close and clean itself. I was off on Friday ill as I was coming down with the flu, my eyes hurt, felt hot and watery like I was having the flu and I was just generally feeling run down and spent 24 hours or so in bed.
Jane looked at my crinkly upper left eyelid and again recommended Restylane as she said this was her speciality and I politely refused her saying that while I was tempted, it'd only be as a stop gap between now and a fat transfer when I did my lowers but the Restylane would still be in my upper eyelid if I did it now and I don't want that. She really is pushing for Restylane but I really don't want it. I'd rather do fat transfers till it is done right than have Restylane injected into my upper eyelid. I've had Restylane once in my nasial labial lines and don't like the feel of the lumpiness nor anything foreign under my skin dissolving.
She said she'd see me in 2 weeks at my next appt on the 8th March to discuss my next stage of eye reconstruction ie the lowers.
The next day, Weds I believe, I washed my hair at night and was pleasantly and delightfully surprised to see that I could find a parting finally in my hair that did not show any incision lines or bald spots. I was trying to straighten my hair with a straigtening tongs and I liked what I saw. My hair felt thicker and it has to be the Nourkrin http://www.nourkrin.co.uk that I've been taking for a month now that is helping as my hair has never felt this thick before. It's always been flat and thin and especially after my surgery it was flat, dull and lifeless and looked brittle, like I'd had a really bad perm. All that is now seemingly almost healed and my hair is thicker and new hairs are sprouting up fairly fast all of a sudden where my incision lines were. Though there is one V spot on the front of my forehead that hasn't any hair around it nor any sprouts seemingly growing yet. But the hair is growing thicker around it.
Though now that I can hide my bald spots with the other thicker hair, I'm feeling much more happier and confident and it's such a relief. I may even consider no longer using my wig at work ... perhaps in a month's time as I really don't like to wear the wig. While people look at me and compliment me all the time, it's not me and I don't like wearing it.
Talking of people bumping into me, I bumped into WS on the 5th floor this week and the look on her face as she did a double take was just one of those that I was tired of seeing so I immediately said, before she could say anything, with a smile "Yes, it's extensions .... everyone's asking" - to which she smiled back and said "Yes, I know, ... black people wear them all the time". We exchanged a few more pleasantries and I was thankful to escape.
I also bumped into M who I haven't seen for months and while we chatted in the corridor, catching up, she kept staring at my hair and mentioned how long it was - and I just said, it's extensions .... a friend's daughter's x'mas present. I prefer to say it's extensions now rather than pretend it's my own hair. I've been wearing my wig to work for about 8 weeks now and in another 4-6 weeks perhaps I'll stop wearing it when my hair underneath has grown a bit more so that I'm more comfortable with the style (I may go get it cut properly before I show it) and go back to work with my normal hair saying I had removed the extensions.
Strangely it seems now that my hairline doesn't seem as high .... I'm not sure what's happened ... whether everything is just falling back naturally into place and/or if it's the thicker hair that's giving an illusion and covering the high hairline. Whatever it is, I'm feeling much more comfortable with my hairline ... right now. How long this lasts, I don't know. Hopefully for good :)
RK keeps looking at me and smiling when I look back .... spooky. I guess he likes the hair :) or rather wig! Men and long hair and they go ga ga I feel :) When I do eventually take the wig off, oh what a disappointment the guys will then have (grins). I'll just be back to plain ole me! That is such a scary thought and it may keep me wearing the wig until my lower eyelid reconstruction is complete .... we'll have to wait and see, cos if I do use my natural hair right now, my crinkle on my left upper eyelid is obvious (well to me anyway) as is my upper hollows in left upper eyelid and also my lower left droop is also obvious and that may stop me from discontinuing wearing the wig cos it helps me feel like I'm hiding underneath it, especially hiding underneath the fringe.
I am vacillating a lot.
Oh, and is this the week that I called a time out with my best friend? Or was it last week? I do feel much better cos of it. I'm also avoiding all the calls from an ex boyfriend of 20 years ago who keeps calling me .... it's a really long story I'd rather not go into. It's like ground hog day replayed over and over with him. We've nothing in common and I feel criticised when I'm around him and so I chose to stop answering his phone calls which over the years I've told him to stop calling as I feel harassed by him and he somehow manages to turn that round into my fault --- geez! and that he's hurt cos I say I feel harassed by him. Enough said ... I am making changes in my life right now .... and healthy ones :)
You can find me on the Make Me Heal Board on the thread about my brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction at : http://www.messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&start=210
Life is fairly busy right now with me working almost 12 hour days and exercising when I return home and it's straight to bed. My hormones are playing up again and my thrush has returned for the 3rd month in a row since my surgery. I'm very concerned that the antibiotics and steroids were that strong to still be causing the thrush. I certainly don't get thrush normally and it's been years since I had it even when I was on antibiotics before I didn't get thrush. (sniffles). It's very painful and extremely uncomfortable.
I purchased Vagiclear http://www.highernature.co.uk/cgi-bin/HN.storefront/EN/ from http://www.highernature.co.uk and used the first tablet last nite and it seems to have had some effect thankfully. It's a course of ten tablets nightly over ten days.
Natural vaginal health
When in good health, the vagina is naturally supported by benign probiotic bacteria. But the vagina can also be invaded by yeasts and pathogenic bacteria, especially during and following a course of antibiotics. Vagiclear provides an exceptionally high potency of five probiotic bacteria, including: L acidophilus, L. plantarum, L. rhamnosus, L. casei and L. delbruekii, selected by experts to optimally repopulate the vagina. A course of Vagiclear is designed to be applied for 10 consecutive nights. A special applicator is also available (which is non-discountable)
On Tuesday this week, 21st Feb, I went to the Western Eye Hospital for my appt with Jane Olver to have my punctal plugs inserted. I was in for a surprise as a private room awaited me, which BUPA had made clear that they would not pay for and while I was only in the room for 2 hours, the charge will be approx £230 (ouch) which I'll have to pay for myself. It seemed I was in there as a Day Case and Jane hadn't mentioned this at all. I thought I was going to go in and out just like that. But oh no, the nurses prepped me ie took all my medical details, and even put me in a gown though thankfully I didn't need to take my clothes off. The nurse kept saying I was going into theatre ... and I was like, huh? But I'm only there to have punctal plugs put in ..... and thought it was like having contact lenses put in ..... and couldn't understand the big deal.
I was prepped and primed and the whole procedure took just 5 mins. Jane just put in anaesthethic eye drops which left a strange sensation or non sensation perhaps I should say though I could still see and voila injected in the punctal plugs in both eyes. She said I'd have watery eyes for the next 48 hours and/or slight bruising and I had neither. Though on the second night my left eye did tear all night which was bad and the next day it strung all day and felt awful - like it couldn't close and clean itself. I was off on Friday ill as I was coming down with the flu, my eyes hurt, felt hot and watery like I was having the flu and I was just generally feeling run down and spent 24 hours or so in bed.
Jane looked at my crinkly upper left eyelid and again recommended Restylane as she said this was her speciality and I politely refused her saying that while I was tempted, it'd only be as a stop gap between now and a fat transfer when I did my lowers but the Restylane would still be in my upper eyelid if I did it now and I don't want that. She really is pushing for Restylane but I really don't want it. I'd rather do fat transfers till it is done right than have Restylane injected into my upper eyelid. I've had Restylane once in my nasial labial lines and don't like the feel of the lumpiness nor anything foreign under my skin dissolving.
She said she'd see me in 2 weeks at my next appt on the 8th March to discuss my next stage of eye reconstruction ie the lowers.
The next day, Weds I believe, I washed my hair at night and was pleasantly and delightfully surprised to see that I could find a parting finally in my hair that did not show any incision lines or bald spots. I was trying to straighten my hair with a straigtening tongs and I liked what I saw. My hair felt thicker and it has to be the Nourkrin http://www.nourkrin.co.uk that I've been taking for a month now that is helping as my hair has never felt this thick before. It's always been flat and thin and especially after my surgery it was flat, dull and lifeless and looked brittle, like I'd had a really bad perm. All that is now seemingly almost healed and my hair is thicker and new hairs are sprouting up fairly fast all of a sudden where my incision lines were. Though there is one V spot on the front of my forehead that hasn't any hair around it nor any sprouts seemingly growing yet. But the hair is growing thicker around it.
Though now that I can hide my bald spots with the other thicker hair, I'm feeling much more happier and confident and it's such a relief. I may even consider no longer using my wig at work ... perhaps in a month's time as I really don't like to wear the wig. While people look at me and compliment me all the time, it's not me and I don't like wearing it.
Talking of people bumping into me, I bumped into WS on the 5th floor this week and the look on her face as she did a double take was just one of those that I was tired of seeing so I immediately said, before she could say anything, with a smile "Yes, it's extensions .... everyone's asking" - to which she smiled back and said "Yes, I know, ... black people wear them all the time". We exchanged a few more pleasantries and I was thankful to escape.
I also bumped into M who I haven't seen for months and while we chatted in the corridor, catching up, she kept staring at my hair and mentioned how long it was - and I just said, it's extensions .... a friend's daughter's x'mas present. I prefer to say it's extensions now rather than pretend it's my own hair. I've been wearing my wig to work for about 8 weeks now and in another 4-6 weeks perhaps I'll stop wearing it when my hair underneath has grown a bit more so that I'm more comfortable with the style (I may go get it cut properly before I show it) and go back to work with my normal hair saying I had removed the extensions.
Strangely it seems now that my hairline doesn't seem as high .... I'm not sure what's happened ... whether everything is just falling back naturally into place and/or if it's the thicker hair that's giving an illusion and covering the high hairline. Whatever it is, I'm feeling much more comfortable with my hairline ... right now. How long this lasts, I don't know. Hopefully for good :)
RK keeps looking at me and smiling when I look back .... spooky. I guess he likes the hair :) or rather wig! Men and long hair and they go ga ga I feel :) When I do eventually take the wig off, oh what a disappointment the guys will then have (grins). I'll just be back to plain ole me! That is such a scary thought and it may keep me wearing the wig until my lower eyelid reconstruction is complete .... we'll have to wait and see, cos if I do use my natural hair right now, my crinkle on my left upper eyelid is obvious (well to me anyway) as is my upper hollows in left upper eyelid and also my lower left droop is also obvious and that may stop me from discontinuing wearing the wig cos it helps me feel like I'm hiding underneath it, especially hiding underneath the fringe.
I am vacillating a lot.
Oh, and is this the week that I called a time out with my best friend? Or was it last week? I do feel much better cos of it. I'm also avoiding all the calls from an ex boyfriend of 20 years ago who keeps calling me .... it's a really long story I'd rather not go into. It's like ground hog day replayed over and over with him. We've nothing in common and I feel criticised when I'm around him and so I chose to stop answering his phone calls which over the years I've told him to stop calling as I feel harassed by him and he somehow manages to turn that round into my fault --- geez! and that he's hurt cos I say I feel harassed by him. Enough said ... I am making changes in my life right now .... and healthy ones :)
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Punctal Plugs : Tues 21st Feb 2006
I'm scheduled to have punctal plugs in my eyes in two days (eeek) on Tues 21st Feb 2006 with Jane Olver. I wonder if I'll have time to talk about my eyes with her ... probably not ... I'll probably have to wait until I see her on March 8th for my follow up consult which is when we'll discuss the next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and fat transfer.
I'm nervous .... whew ... ie about Tuesday ....
I'm nervous .... whew ... ie about Tuesday ....
Week 10 post surgery : Sun 19 Feb 06
Today is the end of Week 10, Sunday 19th Feb 06 and tomorrow is the start of Week 11 post surgery so I'm at the two and a half month mark since my Y-V endo brow lift, upper eyelid reconstruction, and ptosis repair ....
This week has been very stressful for me and I'm not sure if it's the trauma of the surgery and the events that have followed it, ie the hair loss and the need to use a wig though spending so much time with my best friend, whom is the only one in real life who knows about my hair loss problem, has resulted in me calling a time out with her. I found her money issues too overbearing as she'd intervene in everything and force her money issues onto me, ie when we went to look at wigs in Catford and Lewisham, and I mentioned how surprised I was at how cheap they were ie £40, her comments were, well you didn't want to go hunting for bargains which I found extremely sarcastic - it's just her money issues talking as she likes her bargains - whereas I believe you pay for what you get and I don't have any issues in paying the price for something that is worth it, ie my wig, which was £235, and was a monofilament whereas the wigs we saw in Lewisham and Catford were cheap imitations with scalps that were obviously wigs. It's just my best friend's mannerism that bothers me as we had to go through this over and over and over and over again in all the shops we went to and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
My tolerance level is extremely low, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable with my hair loss etc and to have to deal with her money issues forced on me forced me over the edge and I called a time out. There were many other issues as well - just like any break ups, it doesn't happen overnight and this has been an issue for me for many months, if not years. It's just her overall thought process that brings me down and I need to meditate, to refocus, to bring myself back into my center and to protect myself from her energy which I feel drains me and right now I need all the energy I can get to help myself heal from the surgery mentally, emotionally and physically without having her draining my energy supply. It's like she feeds off me like a psychic vampire - arrrgh.
Calling a time out with her felt like I was breaking up a relationship and that in itself was very stressful but I had no choice. I spent the rest of the week working out after work in order to rid my stress and have started meditating when I am in bed and it's been helping as already I've lost 1-2 pounds and feel much better for it. I've also changed my eating habits. It's amazing how losing a few pounds can make you feel better as one is no longer bloated and my jeans can zip up properly and my clothes fit again.
Work has been stressful as the temp who sits across me still keeps staring at me and I keep catching her doing it. She doesn't look away either now when I catch her and I find it very annoying and rude. Even BN was staring at me when he was giving me some work, ie stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Wot? I really wanted to ask him what he was staring at. I'm perplexed. I really am.
I am back wearing my wig at work and this week thankfully my head/scalp did not itch (whew) and it was much better. I used one of the wig nets that was too tight and my scalp is bruised on both sides and still is today, Sunday 19th Feb. I'm learning to play around with my wig style which makes me feel better as I can make it look like it's my own real hair, ie even fooling myself, with the way I wear it and that makes a huge difference to me and my self confidence.
I keep watching people and noticing how their hair is and whose wearing a wig and/or weaves especially black people and I realise that a lot of black people's hair is not real and a lot of people especially black people wear wigs, which I hadn't realised before. My sense of awareness is heightened and I'm not sure if that's a good thing cos I'm even looking at people and looking at their eyes and face and eyebrows to see if they've had anything done and/or if they're drooping etc .... I wish I could switch this off though I guess in due time it'll fade away perhaps ... or maybe not ...
I went to Bluewater yesterday to Vision Express to have an eyetest done as I'm due for an eyetest. To summarise, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the way I was treated at Vision Express by the woman who was conducting the test as it all felt very clinical, she seemed to have no empathy or compassion and seemed to be a robot doing a job, and there was no personal touch, her questions were intrusive and I found her mannerism arrogant -- after about 10 mins or so I just walked out, left my eye test voucher at the counter, telling the staff there that I wasn't happy with her and when they asked me to wait to one side and that someone would be with me, I said NO and walked off - I'd seen her walk out of her cubicle and had come to the counter and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
I was shocked at my reaction cos this is so totally out of character. What's happening to me? My tolerance level for unacceptable behaviour is so low now that I'm not putting up with it. In one way it's a good thing I guess cos I'm changing and moving past the boundaries in my Type 9 personality of the Enneagram ie the Peacemaker and a Type 2, the Caretaker as I'm making myself uncomfortable .... and doing something that is out of character and building a stronger one. Probably won't make sense to those who don't understand the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com though that's fine as it makes sense to me. I'm growing that's all. It just feels alien and it's something I'm in a little shock about as I'm not sure where it's coming from ... perhaps it's hitting rock bottom and enough is enough that has forced the change in me. I've had enough.
Anyway I went to David Clulow around the corner in Bluewater and was treated much more professionally there and discovered that I have Prebyopia (ie where you have to move a book a distance away to read it -- eek) and that after 40 years of age, there's no stopping it really for anyone - that made me feel better. My prescription has also increased in strength and probably will in the next two years and at that time I may even need bifocals. Geez, do I have to grow old? (sighs). I work with guys that are in their early 20s and I'm the oldest one there, though I certainly don't look it. It's all in the mind I guess. It just has brought my mortality more in my thoughts.
I have been pondering the thought of a hair transplant on and off though I most likely won't do it as at times I look at my forehead and think I can handle it and it's not that bad though when I wash my face and hair, I can feel the space that wasn't there or rather was hair and not is no longer hair and is space where my forehead has increased and hairline increased too. That's upsetting.
I never thougth I'd wish my life away though I'm counting down the days for my next surgery in July which is now in 4 months and 1 week, which is 17 weeks. I work long hours and exercise afterwards so that the days go faster ... I'm trying to enjoy my days as well but am mainly living for July when I can complete my surgery and feel more whole within myself when I have my lower eyelid reconstruction, fat transfer in lower and upper eyelids and perhaps another left eyelash ptosis repair. I feel very incomplete at the moment, like something is missing. I do acknowledge that I do look so much better now than I did before my brow lift as my forehead looks so much better and I look so much younger (though that wasn't my intent), - it's just my left eye still bothers me and my wig helps me to hide the hollow in my left upper eyelid and I'm very self conscious still of my lower left eyelid droop though again I acknowledge that it is much much better than it was before. I've lived with this for over a year now and come July I'll have lived with it a year and a half. I just want to get on with my life; and when my full surgery is complete, I'll be able to hopefully no longer wear my wig (though I may keep it on till December - not sure yet - we'll see how long it takes for my bald patches to fill in).
I feel perhaps like one of those persons who is waiting for their surgery to transform from male to female or visa versa and until it is complete, they feel incomplete and unwhole and can't move on with their lives. It's hard to when you've got something hanging over you and you're so self conscious of it all the time. I understand obviously that their pain is much much more intense compared to mine.
This week has been very stressful for me and I'm not sure if it's the trauma of the surgery and the events that have followed it, ie the hair loss and the need to use a wig though spending so much time with my best friend, whom is the only one in real life who knows about my hair loss problem, has resulted in me calling a time out with her. I found her money issues too overbearing as she'd intervene in everything and force her money issues onto me, ie when we went to look at wigs in Catford and Lewisham, and I mentioned how surprised I was at how cheap they were ie £40, her comments were, well you didn't want to go hunting for bargains which I found extremely sarcastic - it's just her money issues talking as she likes her bargains - whereas I believe you pay for what you get and I don't have any issues in paying the price for something that is worth it, ie my wig, which was £235, and was a monofilament whereas the wigs we saw in Lewisham and Catford were cheap imitations with scalps that were obviously wigs. It's just my best friend's mannerism that bothers me as we had to go through this over and over and over and over again in all the shops we went to and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
My tolerance level is extremely low, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable with my hair loss etc and to have to deal with her money issues forced on me forced me over the edge and I called a time out. There were many other issues as well - just like any break ups, it doesn't happen overnight and this has been an issue for me for many months, if not years. It's just her overall thought process that brings me down and I need to meditate, to refocus, to bring myself back into my center and to protect myself from her energy which I feel drains me and right now I need all the energy I can get to help myself heal from the surgery mentally, emotionally and physically without having her draining my energy supply. It's like she feeds off me like a psychic vampire - arrrgh.
Calling a time out with her felt like I was breaking up a relationship and that in itself was very stressful but I had no choice. I spent the rest of the week working out after work in order to rid my stress and have started meditating when I am in bed and it's been helping as already I've lost 1-2 pounds and feel much better for it. I've also changed my eating habits. It's amazing how losing a few pounds can make you feel better as one is no longer bloated and my jeans can zip up properly and my clothes fit again.
Work has been stressful as the temp who sits across me still keeps staring at me and I keep catching her doing it. She doesn't look away either now when I catch her and I find it very annoying and rude. Even BN was staring at me when he was giving me some work, ie stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Wot? I really wanted to ask him what he was staring at. I'm perplexed. I really am.
I am back wearing my wig at work and this week thankfully my head/scalp did not itch (whew) and it was much better. I used one of the wig nets that was too tight and my scalp is bruised on both sides and still is today, Sunday 19th Feb. I'm learning to play around with my wig style which makes me feel better as I can make it look like it's my own real hair, ie even fooling myself, with the way I wear it and that makes a huge difference to me and my self confidence.
I keep watching people and noticing how their hair is and whose wearing a wig and/or weaves especially black people and I realise that a lot of black people's hair is not real and a lot of people especially black people wear wigs, which I hadn't realised before. My sense of awareness is heightened and I'm not sure if that's a good thing cos I'm even looking at people and looking at their eyes and face and eyebrows to see if they've had anything done and/or if they're drooping etc .... I wish I could switch this off though I guess in due time it'll fade away perhaps ... or maybe not ...
I went to Bluewater yesterday to Vision Express to have an eyetest done as I'm due for an eyetest. To summarise, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the way I was treated at Vision Express by the woman who was conducting the test as it all felt very clinical, she seemed to have no empathy or compassion and seemed to be a robot doing a job, and there was no personal touch, her questions were intrusive and I found her mannerism arrogant -- after about 10 mins or so I just walked out, left my eye test voucher at the counter, telling the staff there that I wasn't happy with her and when they asked me to wait to one side and that someone would be with me, I said NO and walked off - I'd seen her walk out of her cubicle and had come to the counter and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
I was shocked at my reaction cos this is so totally out of character. What's happening to me? My tolerance level for unacceptable behaviour is so low now that I'm not putting up with it. In one way it's a good thing I guess cos I'm changing and moving past the boundaries in my Type 9 personality of the Enneagram ie the Peacemaker and a Type 2, the Caretaker as I'm making myself uncomfortable .... and doing something that is out of character and building a stronger one. Probably won't make sense to those who don't understand the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com though that's fine as it makes sense to me. I'm growing that's all. It just feels alien and it's something I'm in a little shock about as I'm not sure where it's coming from ... perhaps it's hitting rock bottom and enough is enough that has forced the change in me. I've had enough.
Anyway I went to David Clulow around the corner in Bluewater and was treated much more professionally there and discovered that I have Prebyopia (ie where you have to move a book a distance away to read it -- eek) and that after 40 years of age, there's no stopping it really for anyone - that made me feel better. My prescription has also increased in strength and probably will in the next two years and at that time I may even need bifocals. Geez, do I have to grow old? (sighs). I work with guys that are in their early 20s and I'm the oldest one there, though I certainly don't look it. It's all in the mind I guess. It just has brought my mortality more in my thoughts.
I have been pondering the thought of a hair transplant on and off though I most likely won't do it as at times I look at my forehead and think I can handle it and it's not that bad though when I wash my face and hair, I can feel the space that wasn't there or rather was hair and not is no longer hair and is space where my forehead has increased and hairline increased too. That's upsetting.
I never thougth I'd wish my life away though I'm counting down the days for my next surgery in July which is now in 4 months and 1 week, which is 17 weeks. I work long hours and exercise afterwards so that the days go faster ... I'm trying to enjoy my days as well but am mainly living for July when I can complete my surgery and feel more whole within myself when I have my lower eyelid reconstruction, fat transfer in lower and upper eyelids and perhaps another left eyelash ptosis repair. I feel very incomplete at the moment, like something is missing. I do acknowledge that I do look so much better now than I did before my brow lift as my forehead looks so much better and I look so much younger (though that wasn't my intent), - it's just my left eye still bothers me and my wig helps me to hide the hollow in my left upper eyelid and I'm very self conscious still of my lower left eyelid droop though again I acknowledge that it is much much better than it was before. I've lived with this for over a year now and come July I'll have lived with it a year and a half. I just want to get on with my life; and when my full surgery is complete, I'll be able to hopefully no longer wear my wig (though I may keep it on till December - not sure yet - we'll see how long it takes for my bald patches to fill in).
I feel perhaps like one of those persons who is waiting for their surgery to transform from male to female or visa versa and until it is complete, they feel incomplete and unwhole and can't move on with their lives. It's hard to when you've got something hanging over you and you're so self conscious of it all the time. I understand obviously that their pain is much much more intense compared to mine.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Day 69 post surgery : Week 9 : Sun 12 Feb 06
It hasn't been the wonderful story that we'd all have liked to have been on Friday, when I went to have my hair extensions put in. I was so excited beforehand for days leading up to it; and afterwards I felt completely deflated, like my life was in ruins and disaster lay ahead for the next few months - I'm sure we all know how it feels like to have a bad hair cut especially those who have long hair to have their locks cut off.
To cut a long story short, I trusted the hairdresser as he seemed to know what he was talking about. In spite of going to see Mark Cook at the Mark Sharp saloon a few weeks ago in Mayfair, who said that he didn't think my hair was that bad and that he didn't think I needed the hair braiding system as I'd be wasting my money and that he couldn't help me with hair extensions as while he could thicken the back, he couldn't do anything for my front.
Anyway this hairdresser that I went to on Friday cuts my hair at the back and then cuts about 8 inches off my fringe. I'm shocked but I trust him as he seems so confident. I can't see what he's doing as it's all at the back of me. At the end of it all, he only puts about 7 extensions in the front of my hair and most of it is my own hair, just cut into a fringe and all the hair from the back of my head has been combed forward and 8 inches cut off it. He said this was the only way that would hide my incision lines. I hate him so much right now and feel extremely angry cos it took a long time to grow my hair and it's just f****ging ruined.
My hair at the back looks thick (I never needed it thick anyway in the first place) and at the front all that is left is my hair combed from the back to the front, with a fringe in as he's cut 8 inches off my hair and 7 braids that stick out like braids do and it looks horribly ridiculous. I ask him is that all he's going to do and he says yes. I said it looks silly cos my forehead can be seen through my fringe and he said I have to be careful how I stand and to not stand under spotlights (wot? I work under spotlights as there are spotlights all over my office building - everywhere). I flick my hair and the braids stick out and he said I have to be careful how I touch my hair and to use hairspray to keep it in place.
I'm in shock and taking this all in. There's still a bald spot on the right side of my forehead and I ask him is this all he's going to do and he said yes. He's avoiding me at this stage and as everyone has gone home, he's tidying up and avoiding me and not even asking me how I feel about this. He shows me the back and I'm still in shock. I hated the front. I'm not sure what hit me. My heart sank and I felt like one of those bald men in the adverts who have only one strand of hair which they try to flick across their head to hide their baldness.
He doesn't even ask me if I like it and starts to tell me I'll get used to them in a couple of days and how to comb it. I'm in shock and don't know how to react and don't want to cause a scene so walk out in shock and went to see my best friend. I only stayed for 2 mins as I was about to burst into tears. She looked at my hair and said it wasn't that bad and I said yeah but it's not something I'm confident with and it feels weird and stupid especially the fringe. I'm feeling so angry and upset just writing about it again as it feels like I'm reliving the whole nightmare again.
Anyway I left fairly quickly as she was giving my sympathethic looks and feeling sorry for me and I couldn't take that.
When I got home all I wanted to do was pull all the extensions out as they looked so ridiculous. Imagine a fringe of thin hair covering a forehead which shows the skin under the forehead and also a high hairline and then several braids in the left hand corner sticking out. Bleh. The hairdresser said the benefits would far outweigh the fact that the extensions would show. Oh I hate him so much right now. I should have listened to that original hairdresser who specialises in hair loss who said I didn't need anything and to just use Nourkrin supplements to help my hair grow and/or get thicker.
This guy Pearce Moore of Chandler Wright hairdressers who claims to be a senior stylist for 20 years just took my money and ruined my hair but cutting it all off and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing in the end as I looked ridiculous.
I decided that I wanted my hair extensions out as I couldn't take them anymore and pulled out several that night in my fringe and felt and looked so much better without those stupid braids sticking out of my head. It was the most stupid thing I've ever seen on someone's head, which happens to be my own. Any idiot would have seen that it looked ridiculous and for someone who claims to be a senior hairstylist to think that I'd like that is just in denial or something. He couldn't look me in the eye when I paid him. That says something in itself.
Anyway the next morning at 9.30am we went to the hairdressers and he eventually comes up to me and asks if I'll not wait a few more days. I said I wanted to see him downstairs and showed him that I had already taken several in the front out and how much better it looked already without those stupid braids sticking out. I said I hated them and wanted them all out and that my hair and style looked like some bald person trying to pretend he had hair with one braid of hair or thereabouts and I hated it. I didn't like how it felt and how it looked and I just wanted them out. The rest is a blur and he gave in and stopped trying to persuade me (I'm glad my friend was there cos he would have tried to work on me and convince me to keep them in a while longer etc to get used to them - asswipe!).
When all the braids were out, he came down and said he thought I didn't need to use the wig anymore and that my hair was fine to wear to work as it was ... to which I replied that I was using the wig and that I didn't like my hairstyle (he'd said at least I'd gotten a good haircut out of this). I said I hated my hairstyle - he said he liked it and I replied that yes he did but I didn't; and that I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror cos I hated my hair so much and that the whole point of the extensions was to feel confident about myself as I needed that for my work and all that had been taken away from me and I just wanted to never look at myself again. He shut up for once as I was getting very agitated at this point for him trying to convince me I had a great hairstyle when he'd cut off unnecessarilly 8 inches off my hair at the front and which will take me a long time to grow back and restyle to fit into my remaining hair; and worst case scenario I may have to cut all my hair off so they're all even and regrow everything which will take years. I hate that man so much.
He didn't even have the decency to give half a refund back and just said he was sorry it didn't work out as he helped me on with my coat. I didn't say anything and just walked out. I was that angry (and still am).
My best friend and I did some window shopping for some wigs as I wanted to find a wig that had better hair quality than the one I currently have been wearing cos it has always felt like doll's hair. We only found cheap wigs and I ended up back at the wig store where I bought my original wig from. I tried on a few wigs and nothing suited and then I spotted one I really liked and asked to try it on. As it turns out, it was the same wig style that I had originally bought (grins). Strange thing was though that the hair quality was beautiful and silky and I could run my fingers through it and I asked why this was. The lady asked if I had conditioned my wig and I said no cos I wasn't given any - so that perhaps is the answer and she also said I needed to use anti static every day on the wig to avoid static when it rubs on my clothes.
I happened to see 2 ladies wear my wig style in the store and they looked absolutely beautiful in it and I was mesmerised and it didn't even look like a wig and I then realised why people were staring at me (or rather staring at my wig) cos it looked beautiful and the wig was mesmerising; and this was such a godsend to me cos I felt so much better knowing now why people are staring and have been staring at me. Thank you Universe!!!
I was really glad I went to the store as I walked away with conditioner and anti static spray to help the wig condition become more silky and finger manageable and also saw two people (young ones) wear the same wig style as me and I now know how other people see my hair and it does not look like a wig at all.
It was a hectic 24 hours. The only thing is my natural hair is still ruined and I'll have to live with that for the next few months under the wig if not a year while it all grows out. I'll be fine - I have to be; and I may even buy another wig in the same style but different colour so I can tell those at work that I had dyed my hair a different colour every six weeks. I could even buy 2 more wigs ie 2 more different colours .... it's cheaper online than in the store.
Itchy scalp
These past few days my scalp has been getting very itchy and when I scratch in a certain spot I can feel nothing - no sensations whatsoever which is weird. Maybe that's why it itches cos the nerves are regenerating. It's a very frustrating sensation as I scratch and nothing. It feels like ants crawing under a spot on my scalp and when I touch the area there is no sensation. So I end up scratching or massaging another area which has sensation and it feels a little better.
When I told Jane about this in December, she said it would get worst (eeek).
To cut a long story short, I trusted the hairdresser as he seemed to know what he was talking about. In spite of going to see Mark Cook at the Mark Sharp saloon a few weeks ago in Mayfair, who said that he didn't think my hair was that bad and that he didn't think I needed the hair braiding system as I'd be wasting my money and that he couldn't help me with hair extensions as while he could thicken the back, he couldn't do anything for my front.
Anyway this hairdresser that I went to on Friday cuts my hair at the back and then cuts about 8 inches off my fringe. I'm shocked but I trust him as he seems so confident. I can't see what he's doing as it's all at the back of me. At the end of it all, he only puts about 7 extensions in the front of my hair and most of it is my own hair, just cut into a fringe and all the hair from the back of my head has been combed forward and 8 inches cut off it. He said this was the only way that would hide my incision lines. I hate him so much right now and feel extremely angry cos it took a long time to grow my hair and it's just f****ging ruined.
My hair at the back looks thick (I never needed it thick anyway in the first place) and at the front all that is left is my hair combed from the back to the front, with a fringe in as he's cut 8 inches off my hair and 7 braids that stick out like braids do and it looks horribly ridiculous. I ask him is that all he's going to do and he says yes. I said it looks silly cos my forehead can be seen through my fringe and he said I have to be careful how I stand and to not stand under spotlights (wot? I work under spotlights as there are spotlights all over my office building - everywhere). I flick my hair and the braids stick out and he said I have to be careful how I touch my hair and to use hairspray to keep it in place.
I'm in shock and taking this all in. There's still a bald spot on the right side of my forehead and I ask him is this all he's going to do and he said yes. He's avoiding me at this stage and as everyone has gone home, he's tidying up and avoiding me and not even asking me how I feel about this. He shows me the back and I'm still in shock. I hated the front. I'm not sure what hit me. My heart sank and I felt like one of those bald men in the adverts who have only one strand of hair which they try to flick across their head to hide their baldness.
He doesn't even ask me if I like it and starts to tell me I'll get used to them in a couple of days and how to comb it. I'm in shock and don't know how to react and don't want to cause a scene so walk out in shock and went to see my best friend. I only stayed for 2 mins as I was about to burst into tears. She looked at my hair and said it wasn't that bad and I said yeah but it's not something I'm confident with and it feels weird and stupid especially the fringe. I'm feeling so angry and upset just writing about it again as it feels like I'm reliving the whole nightmare again.
Anyway I left fairly quickly as she was giving my sympathethic looks and feeling sorry for me and I couldn't take that.
When I got home all I wanted to do was pull all the extensions out as they looked so ridiculous. Imagine a fringe of thin hair covering a forehead which shows the skin under the forehead and also a high hairline and then several braids in the left hand corner sticking out. Bleh. The hairdresser said the benefits would far outweigh the fact that the extensions would show. Oh I hate him so much right now. I should have listened to that original hairdresser who specialises in hair loss who said I didn't need anything and to just use Nourkrin supplements to help my hair grow and/or get thicker.
This guy Pearce Moore of Chandler Wright hairdressers who claims to be a senior stylist for 20 years just took my money and ruined my hair but cutting it all off and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing in the end as I looked ridiculous.
I decided that I wanted my hair extensions out as I couldn't take them anymore and pulled out several that night in my fringe and felt and looked so much better without those stupid braids sticking out of my head. It was the most stupid thing I've ever seen on someone's head, which happens to be my own. Any idiot would have seen that it looked ridiculous and for someone who claims to be a senior hairstylist to think that I'd like that is just in denial or something. He couldn't look me in the eye when I paid him. That says something in itself.
Anyway the next morning at 9.30am we went to the hairdressers and he eventually comes up to me and asks if I'll not wait a few more days. I said I wanted to see him downstairs and showed him that I had already taken several in the front out and how much better it looked already without those stupid braids sticking out. I said I hated them and wanted them all out and that my hair and style looked like some bald person trying to pretend he had hair with one braid of hair or thereabouts and I hated it. I didn't like how it felt and how it looked and I just wanted them out. The rest is a blur and he gave in and stopped trying to persuade me (I'm glad my friend was there cos he would have tried to work on me and convince me to keep them in a while longer etc to get used to them - asswipe!).
When all the braids were out, he came down and said he thought I didn't need to use the wig anymore and that my hair was fine to wear to work as it was ... to which I replied that I was using the wig and that I didn't like my hairstyle (he'd said at least I'd gotten a good haircut out of this). I said I hated my hairstyle - he said he liked it and I replied that yes he did but I didn't; and that I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror cos I hated my hair so much and that the whole point of the extensions was to feel confident about myself as I needed that for my work and all that had been taken away from me and I just wanted to never look at myself again. He shut up for once as I was getting very agitated at this point for him trying to convince me I had a great hairstyle when he'd cut off unnecessarilly 8 inches off my hair at the front and which will take me a long time to grow back and restyle to fit into my remaining hair; and worst case scenario I may have to cut all my hair off so they're all even and regrow everything which will take years. I hate that man so much.
He didn't even have the decency to give half a refund back and just said he was sorry it didn't work out as he helped me on with my coat. I didn't say anything and just walked out. I was that angry (and still am).
My best friend and I did some window shopping for some wigs as I wanted to find a wig that had better hair quality than the one I currently have been wearing cos it has always felt like doll's hair. We only found cheap wigs and I ended up back at the wig store where I bought my original wig from. I tried on a few wigs and nothing suited and then I spotted one I really liked and asked to try it on. As it turns out, it was the same wig style that I had originally bought (grins). Strange thing was though that the hair quality was beautiful and silky and I could run my fingers through it and I asked why this was. The lady asked if I had conditioned my wig and I said no cos I wasn't given any - so that perhaps is the answer and she also said I needed to use anti static every day on the wig to avoid static when it rubs on my clothes.
I happened to see 2 ladies wear my wig style in the store and they looked absolutely beautiful in it and I was mesmerised and it didn't even look like a wig and I then realised why people were staring at me (or rather staring at my wig) cos it looked beautiful and the wig was mesmerising; and this was such a godsend to me cos I felt so much better knowing now why people are staring and have been staring at me. Thank you Universe!!!
I was really glad I went to the store as I walked away with conditioner and anti static spray to help the wig condition become more silky and finger manageable and also saw two people (young ones) wear the same wig style as me and I now know how other people see my hair and it does not look like a wig at all.
It was a hectic 24 hours. The only thing is my natural hair is still ruined and I'll have to live with that for the next few months under the wig if not a year while it all grows out. I'll be fine - I have to be; and I may even buy another wig in the same style but different colour so I can tell those at work that I had dyed my hair a different colour every six weeks. I could even buy 2 more wigs ie 2 more different colours .... it's cheaper online than in the store.
Itchy scalp
These past few days my scalp has been getting very itchy and when I scratch in a certain spot I can feel nothing - no sensations whatsoever which is weird. Maybe that's why it itches cos the nerves are regenerating. It's a very frustrating sensation as I scratch and nothing. It feels like ants crawing under a spot on my scalp and when I touch the area there is no sensation. So I end up scratching or massaging another area which has sensation and it feels a little better.
When I told Jane about this in December, she said it would get worst (eeek).
Friday, February 10, 2006
Day 67 : Week 9 post surgery : Fri 10 Feb 06
I'm slowing down some in my journalling and picture taking, which is to be expected. I've been posting snippets on the thread at Make Me Heal instead of posting here.
One of my biggest issues is still my wig and today Friday 10th Feb, I'm going to the hairdressers to have some extensions put in - which is a first for me - and I'm very excited.
I've also slowed down on my picture taking and goodness only knows when I last took a picture.
My scalp has been itching quite a bit lately .... arrrrgh .... and at work under the wig, it's very difficult to have a good ole scratch and I've had to resort to taking my wig off in the cubicle in the ladies and enjoying a head massage and then putting my wig back on again. Bliss. It's the nerves regenerating and these itches seem to happen where the incision lines are, and also where the bald spots are .... and my hair seemingly feels non existent when I'm scratching.
I still have the crinkly look on my left upper eyelid .. I don't expect that to go. When I look down, there's discomfort in my left lower eye ... feels like I have something under my eye ... hard to explain.
My eyes have been feeling more gritty at work and red and when I use Lacrilube, the lubricant tends to leak out of my eyes. Very embarassing. I'll have to think of something else to use ... perhaps the eye ointment that Jane had recommended and which I used in the hospital which is thicker.
I need to post updated pixs of before and after at 9 weeks post surgery.
One of my biggest issues is still my wig and today Friday 10th Feb, I'm going to the hairdressers to have some extensions put in - which is a first for me - and I'm very excited.
I've also slowed down on my picture taking and goodness only knows when I last took a picture.
My scalp has been itching quite a bit lately .... arrrrgh .... and at work under the wig, it's very difficult to have a good ole scratch and I've had to resort to taking my wig off in the cubicle in the ladies and enjoying a head massage and then putting my wig back on again. Bliss. It's the nerves regenerating and these itches seem to happen where the incision lines are, and also where the bald spots are .... and my hair seemingly feels non existent when I'm scratching.
I still have the crinkly look on my left upper eyelid .. I don't expect that to go. When I look down, there's discomfort in my left lower eye ... feels like I have something under my eye ... hard to explain.
My eyes have been feeling more gritty at work and red and when I use Lacrilube, the lubricant tends to leak out of my eyes. Very embarassing. I'll have to think of something else to use ... perhaps the eye ointment that Jane had recommended and which I used in the hospital which is thicker.
I need to post updated pixs of before and after at 9 weeks post surgery.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Day 62 post surgery : Week 8 : Sun 5th Feb 06
Today I coloured my hair for the first time since my surgery. I use Aubrey Organics hair colour which contains NO phenylenediamine, NO coal tar dyes—NO synthetic chemicals of any kind - http://www.aubrey-organics.com/product1.cfm?product_id=622&cat=31.
Since using paraben free make up and toiletries, my skin has improved drastically - it's no longer red and rashy with hives and dry and flaky and looks much healthier with no attacks of hives (used to get that for years).
I've to wait 2 hours before I can wash it and will report back later how it went. My hair already started tangling when I started to colour it .... it's very different to the normal haircolour we see in the shops and takes a while to put it on - it's like adding on mud to your hair (giggles). But it's a healthier way and no chemicals get into my skin and I'm ok to take the extra time out.
Will report back later .... I'm not looking forward to detangling it later as usually after it's all washed out it takes a good while to detangle ... my hair, since a young child, has always been extremely tangly!!
I'm suffering again from thrush and cystitis and it's very frustrating as well as painful (sniffles). Side effects of the steroids and antibiotics from surgery.
I watched Ten Years Younger this week and saw a 34 year old have fat transfer into her jowls - which made me think I can ask Jane to do that to my jowl lines when I have my fat transfer as I can't afford my Isolagen http://www.isolagen.com injections this year even. As she's injecting my uppers and lowers I can't see why she can't inject my jowl areas as well. I wonder if she'll charge more. I'll ask her when I see her either on the 21st Feb this year for my puntal plugs or on the 8th March when I see her for a follow up and to discuss the lower eyelid surgery then.
Since using paraben free make up and toiletries, my skin has improved drastically - it's no longer red and rashy with hives and dry and flaky and looks much healthier with no attacks of hives (used to get that for years).
I've to wait 2 hours before I can wash it and will report back later how it went. My hair already started tangling when I started to colour it .... it's very different to the normal haircolour we see in the shops and takes a while to put it on - it's like adding on mud to your hair (giggles). But it's a healthier way and no chemicals get into my skin and I'm ok to take the extra time out.
Will report back later .... I'm not looking forward to detangling it later as usually after it's all washed out it takes a good while to detangle ... my hair, since a young child, has always been extremely tangly!!
I'm suffering again from thrush and cystitis and it's very frustrating as well as painful (sniffles). Side effects of the steroids and antibiotics from surgery.
I watched Ten Years Younger this week and saw a 34 year old have fat transfer into her jowls - which made me think I can ask Jane to do that to my jowl lines when I have my fat transfer as I can't afford my Isolagen http://www.isolagen.com injections this year even. As she's injecting my uppers and lowers I can't see why she can't inject my jowl areas as well. I wonder if she'll charge more. I'll ask her when I see her either on the 21st Feb this year for my puntal plugs or on the 8th March when I see her for a follow up and to discuss the lower eyelid surgery then.
Day 61 post surgery : Week 8 : Sat 4 Feb 06
Woops, it's been over a week since I've last updated my blog - sorrie! Time constraints and I'd been posting at the Make Me Heal thread in snippets instead.
Summary of this week is that woah I bumped into a few people at work who hadn't seen me before with my new hair.
The first thing JB said to me in the lift when she saw me was "What have you done to your hair?". That took me back a bit and I replied that I'd had a fringe put in and some colour. We were on our way home and we agreed to have lunch the next day. At lunch she kept staring at me ... she's the only one who knows about my eye surgery -- and she said that my eyes looked very open. She liked it and she also loved the hair which she kept staring at. She said she loved the colour and that I should always keep the colour. She asked if it was extensions. I said yes. Wanted to tell her it was a wig but decided not to.
Later I saw AMG and the first thing she said was my hair's grown and had I had extensions. I said yes though only for thickness. She liked it (I think) as I can't remember if she said she didn't.
Then on the lift back down to my floor I bumped into one of the temps and she said in the lift that she'd been meaning to tell me that she liked my hair.
It was one of the first validations that people liked my hair and that they thought it was extensions and not a wig (whew). That was such a relief for me. I felt so much better.
Though my head still hurts and has patches where the hair net under digs into my scalp and it hurts periodically or constantly to wear the wig and hair net underneath and I really want to try and find an alternate, ie extensions.
My best friend went hunting round for hairdressers locally who do extensions and today, Saturday, we went to Christopher Wright saloon and met up with one of their senior stylists who I immediately felt at ease with and who was very confident that he could do something with my hair using ProHair extensions. He could give me body at the back of my hair and also at the front, thou said a couple of braids may show through a little but that the benefits of it would far outweigh the cons and that he could also give me a feathered fringe which is lovely as that's what I'd love.
Price wise he said it'd cost £150 and it'd be like 90 mins work, which I was shocked about as I thought it'd be much more and take much longer. He said I didn't need that much put in as I already had hair and length and we were just adding body.
I'm also very shocked that Mark Sharp studio couldn't do this or perhaps wouldn't do this but everything happens for a reason and I'm much happier here as the saloon is much more friendly and more local to me.
I felt very irritated with my best friend as she has issues with money. Most of what she buys has to be a bargain - and she reminds me of those that are called Chavs here in the UK, ie those who buy imitation labelled products at a bargain price and flash the labels (or something like that). My best friend was getting into a roll that the lady who sold me my wig had seen me coming and I was probably her best sale of the month etc .... I don't have an issue with paying the price that I paid for that wig and obviously my friend does. I've known her for 23 years and this is one of the things that bothers me about her. She is NHS and I'm private ie on BUPA. We're just so very different and I am amazed we've remained friends for so long as she's the opposite to me in a lot of things - practically 95% of what I do and believe in, she's the opposite though she wants to try and imitate me with my spirituality beliefs etc but gives up as she procrastinates.
Louise Hay does say that the subject of money is one of the most toughest subjects that people have and are passionate about and lots will refuse to give up their life long beliefs about money and/or lack of and to change their beliefs about money from lack to being abundant is very hard for lots. My best friend desperately wants to change her lack of prosperity and has asked for my help in this area (though I sense she wants her cake without having to do the hard work of baking it or wants to plant her seed and have instant plant). I've given her the books on prosperity where she's been too lazy to buy her own and I refuse to make her copies of my affirmation tapes on prosperity as if she desperately wants to change her prosperity, then she should make the effort to buy the tapes as rerecording is illegal and I will not do this. She always wants something for nothing if she can. I've given her website links and all the tools she needs to change her prosperity consciousness and she still procrastinates - starts of well and motivated by soon dwindles and if I question her on why she dwindles she says of course she wants it hard enough but doesn't have time ... bleh poor excuse. She's overweigh and complains of it all the time and yet she has all the tools in her hands to do something about it ie workout videos and the gym etc - she's always always on some fad diet of one sort or another trying to look for some quick fix ... as Susan Jeffers says, there is no quick fix - you have to put the work into it.
I was frustrated with her until I realised the above and decided to journal it to help me remember why my best friend has such an issue with money and why she reacts to my spending money and having personal health care when she uses the NHS and everything free. She can't stand the dentist, freaks out at needles, is an extremely nervous patient and is against everything that I stand for right now ie with me and my surgeries and has poo pooed me a fair number of times ... perhaps deep down she's doing it cos she cares about me and is scared that if I have surgeries I'll never come out of anaesthesia etc ... though the way she goes about me completely puts me off wanting to be friends with her as I feel totally alienated with the way she talks to me.
Metaphysically understanding, she doesn't know any better and she's doing the best she can coming from where she comes from and knowing what she knows and is in pattern, ie learned behaviour from childhood, which if I bring up with her, she'll deny - cos she's personally in denial.
On Thurs evening this week, 2nd Feb, I had dinner with an old friend I've known for 25 years or so. He was all compliments about how I looked and kept staring at me, saying I looked ten years younger, especially with my glasses on and was asking whether I'd changed my glasses. After 10-15 mins of his gushing out how wonderful I looked I couldn't take anymore and told him I'd tell him my secret shortly - to which he replied .. oh plastic surgery(?). I didn't like that answer too much so just told him I'd had upper eyelid reconstruction and left it at that, showing him my eyes wouldn't shut and he accepted that. He liked my hair especially the colour - I really wanted to tell him it was a wig but he'd only start complaining I should use my own hair and be natural etc so I left it.
More to follow and hopefully pictures
Summary of this week is that woah I bumped into a few people at work who hadn't seen me before with my new hair.
The first thing JB said to me in the lift when she saw me was "What have you done to your hair?". That took me back a bit and I replied that I'd had a fringe put in and some colour. We were on our way home and we agreed to have lunch the next day. At lunch she kept staring at me ... she's the only one who knows about my eye surgery -- and she said that my eyes looked very open. She liked it and she also loved the hair which she kept staring at. She said she loved the colour and that I should always keep the colour. She asked if it was extensions. I said yes. Wanted to tell her it was a wig but decided not to.
Later I saw AMG and the first thing she said was my hair's grown and had I had extensions. I said yes though only for thickness. She liked it (I think) as I can't remember if she said she didn't.
Then on the lift back down to my floor I bumped into one of the temps and she said in the lift that she'd been meaning to tell me that she liked my hair.
It was one of the first validations that people liked my hair and that they thought it was extensions and not a wig (whew). That was such a relief for me. I felt so much better.
Though my head still hurts and has patches where the hair net under digs into my scalp and it hurts periodically or constantly to wear the wig and hair net underneath and I really want to try and find an alternate, ie extensions.
My best friend went hunting round for hairdressers locally who do extensions and today, Saturday, we went to Christopher Wright saloon and met up with one of their senior stylists who I immediately felt at ease with and who was very confident that he could do something with my hair using ProHair extensions. He could give me body at the back of my hair and also at the front, thou said a couple of braids may show through a little but that the benefits of it would far outweigh the cons and that he could also give me a feathered fringe which is lovely as that's what I'd love.
Price wise he said it'd cost £150 and it'd be like 90 mins work, which I was shocked about as I thought it'd be much more and take much longer. He said I didn't need that much put in as I already had hair and length and we were just adding body.
I'm also very shocked that Mark Sharp studio couldn't do this or perhaps wouldn't do this but everything happens for a reason and I'm much happier here as the saloon is much more friendly and more local to me.
I felt very irritated with my best friend as she has issues with money. Most of what she buys has to be a bargain - and she reminds me of those that are called Chavs here in the UK, ie those who buy imitation labelled products at a bargain price and flash the labels (or something like that). My best friend was getting into a roll that the lady who sold me my wig had seen me coming and I was probably her best sale of the month etc .... I don't have an issue with paying the price that I paid for that wig and obviously my friend does. I've known her for 23 years and this is one of the things that bothers me about her. She is NHS and I'm private ie on BUPA. We're just so very different and I am amazed we've remained friends for so long as she's the opposite to me in a lot of things - practically 95% of what I do and believe in, she's the opposite though she wants to try and imitate me with my spirituality beliefs etc but gives up as she procrastinates.
Louise Hay does say that the subject of money is one of the most toughest subjects that people have and are passionate about and lots will refuse to give up their life long beliefs about money and/or lack of and to change their beliefs about money from lack to being abundant is very hard for lots. My best friend desperately wants to change her lack of prosperity and has asked for my help in this area (though I sense she wants her cake without having to do the hard work of baking it or wants to plant her seed and have instant plant). I've given her the books on prosperity where she's been too lazy to buy her own and I refuse to make her copies of my affirmation tapes on prosperity as if she desperately wants to change her prosperity, then she should make the effort to buy the tapes as rerecording is illegal and I will not do this. She always wants something for nothing if she can. I've given her website links and all the tools she needs to change her prosperity consciousness and she still procrastinates - starts of well and motivated by soon dwindles and if I question her on why she dwindles she says of course she wants it hard enough but doesn't have time ... bleh poor excuse. She's overweigh and complains of it all the time and yet she has all the tools in her hands to do something about it ie workout videos and the gym etc - she's always always on some fad diet of one sort or another trying to look for some quick fix ... as Susan Jeffers says, there is no quick fix - you have to put the work into it.
I was frustrated with her until I realised the above and decided to journal it to help me remember why my best friend has such an issue with money and why she reacts to my spending money and having personal health care when she uses the NHS and everything free. She can't stand the dentist, freaks out at needles, is an extremely nervous patient and is against everything that I stand for right now ie with me and my surgeries and has poo pooed me a fair number of times ... perhaps deep down she's doing it cos she cares about me and is scared that if I have surgeries I'll never come out of anaesthesia etc ... though the way she goes about me completely puts me off wanting to be friends with her as I feel totally alienated with the way she talks to me.
Metaphysically understanding, she doesn't know any better and she's doing the best she can coming from where she comes from and knowing what she knows and is in pattern, ie learned behaviour from childhood, which if I bring up with her, she'll deny - cos she's personally in denial.
On Thurs evening this week, 2nd Feb, I had dinner with an old friend I've known for 25 years or so. He was all compliments about how I looked and kept staring at me, saying I looked ten years younger, especially with my glasses on and was asking whether I'd changed my glasses. After 10-15 mins of his gushing out how wonderful I looked I couldn't take anymore and told him I'd tell him my secret shortly - to which he replied .. oh plastic surgery(?). I didn't like that answer too much so just told him I'd had upper eyelid reconstruction and left it at that, showing him my eyes wouldn't shut and he accepted that. He liked my hair especially the colour - I really wanted to tell him it was a wig but he'd only start complaining I should use my own hair and be natural etc so I left it.
More to follow and hopefully pictures
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