I'm losing count now - I think I'm now at the end of Week 11 today, Sun 26th Feb 06 and tomorrow Mon 27th Feb 06 is the start of Week 12 post surgery ie 3 months post surgery.
You can find me on the Make Me Heal Board on the thread about my brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction at : http://www.messageboards.makemeheal.com/viewtopic.php?t=122&start=210
Life is fairly busy right now with me working almost 12 hour days and exercising when I return home and it's straight to bed. My hormones are playing up again and my thrush has returned for the 3rd month in a row since my surgery. I'm very concerned that the antibiotics and steroids were that strong to still be causing the thrush. I certainly don't get thrush normally and it's been years since I had it even when I was on antibiotics before I didn't get thrush. (sniffles). It's very painful and extremely uncomfortable.
I purchased Vagiclear http://www.highernature.co.uk/cgi-bin/HN.storefront/EN/ from http://www.highernature.co.uk and used the first tablet last nite and it seems to have had some effect thankfully. It's a course of ten tablets nightly over ten days.
Natural vaginal health
When in good health, the vagina is naturally supported by benign probiotic bacteria. But the vagina can also be invaded by yeasts and pathogenic bacteria, especially during and following a course of antibiotics. Vagiclear provides an exceptionally high potency of five probiotic bacteria, including: L acidophilus, L. plantarum, L. rhamnosus, L. casei and L. delbruekii, selected by experts to optimally repopulate the vagina. A course of Vagiclear is designed to be applied for 10 consecutive nights. A special applicator is also available (which is non-discountable)
On Tuesday this week, 21st Feb, I went to the Western Eye Hospital for my appt with Jane Olver to have my punctal plugs inserted. I was in for a surprise as a private room awaited me, which BUPA had made clear that they would not pay for and while I was only in the room for 2 hours, the charge will be approx £230 (ouch) which I'll have to pay for myself. It seemed I was in there as a Day Case and Jane hadn't mentioned this at all. I thought I was going to go in and out just like that. But oh no, the nurses prepped me ie took all my medical details, and even put me in a gown though thankfully I didn't need to take my clothes off. The nurse kept saying I was going into theatre ... and I was like, huh? But I'm only there to have punctal plugs put in ..... and thought it was like having contact lenses put in ..... and couldn't understand the big deal.
I was prepped and primed and the whole procedure took just 5 mins. Jane just put in anaesthethic eye drops which left a strange sensation or non sensation perhaps I should say though I could still see and voila injected in the punctal plugs in both eyes. She said I'd have watery eyes for the next 48 hours and/or slight bruising and I had neither. Though on the second night my left eye did tear all night which was bad and the next day it strung all day and felt awful - like it couldn't close and clean itself. I was off on Friday ill as I was coming down with the flu, my eyes hurt, felt hot and watery like I was having the flu and I was just generally feeling run down and spent 24 hours or so in bed.
Jane looked at my crinkly upper left eyelid and again recommended Restylane as she said this was her speciality and I politely refused her saying that while I was tempted, it'd only be as a stop gap between now and a fat transfer when I did my lowers but the Restylane would still be in my upper eyelid if I did it now and I don't want that. She really is pushing for Restylane but I really don't want it. I'd rather do fat transfers till it is done right than have Restylane injected into my upper eyelid. I've had Restylane once in my nasial labial lines and don't like the feel of the lumpiness nor anything foreign under my skin dissolving.
She said she'd see me in 2 weeks at my next appt on the 8th March to discuss my next stage of eye reconstruction ie the lowers.
The next day, Weds I believe, I washed my hair at night and was pleasantly and delightfully surprised to see that I could find a parting finally in my hair that did not show any incision lines or bald spots. I was trying to straighten my hair with a straigtening tongs and I liked what I saw. My hair felt thicker and it has to be the Nourkrin http://www.nourkrin.co.uk that I've been taking for a month now that is helping as my hair has never felt this thick before. It's always been flat and thin and especially after my surgery it was flat, dull and lifeless and looked brittle, like I'd had a really bad perm. All that is now seemingly almost healed and my hair is thicker and new hairs are sprouting up fairly fast all of a sudden where my incision lines were. Though there is one V spot on the front of my forehead that hasn't any hair around it nor any sprouts seemingly growing yet. But the hair is growing thicker around it.
Though now that I can hide my bald spots with the other thicker hair, I'm feeling much more happier and confident and it's such a relief. I may even consider no longer using my wig at work ... perhaps in a month's time as I really don't like to wear the wig. While people look at me and compliment me all the time, it's not me and I don't like wearing it.
Talking of people bumping into me, I bumped into WS on the 5th floor this week and the look on her face as she did a double take was just one of those that I was tired of seeing so I immediately said, before she could say anything, with a smile "Yes, it's extensions .... everyone's asking" - to which she smiled back and said "Yes, I know, ... black people wear them all the time". We exchanged a few more pleasantries and I was thankful to escape.
I also bumped into M who I haven't seen for months and while we chatted in the corridor, catching up, she kept staring at my hair and mentioned how long it was - and I just said, it's extensions .... a friend's daughter's x'mas present. I prefer to say it's extensions now rather than pretend it's my own hair. I've been wearing my wig to work for about 8 weeks now and in another 4-6 weeks perhaps I'll stop wearing it when my hair underneath has grown a bit more so that I'm more comfortable with the style (I may go get it cut properly before I show it) and go back to work with my normal hair saying I had removed the extensions.
Strangely it seems now that my hairline doesn't seem as high .... I'm not sure what's happened ... whether everything is just falling back naturally into place and/or if it's the thicker hair that's giving an illusion and covering the high hairline. Whatever it is, I'm feeling much more comfortable with my hairline ... right now. How long this lasts, I don't know. Hopefully for good :)
RK keeps looking at me and smiling when I look back .... spooky. I guess he likes the hair :) or rather wig! Men and long hair and they go ga ga I feel :) When I do eventually take the wig off, oh what a disappointment the guys will then have (grins). I'll just be back to plain ole me! That is such a scary thought and it may keep me wearing the wig until my lower eyelid reconstruction is complete .... we'll have to wait and see, cos if I do use my natural hair right now, my crinkle on my left upper eyelid is obvious (well to me anyway) as is my upper hollows in left upper eyelid and also my lower left droop is also obvious and that may stop me from discontinuing wearing the wig cos it helps me feel like I'm hiding underneath it, especially hiding underneath the fringe.
I am vacillating a lot.
Oh, and is this the week that I called a time out with my best friend? Or was it last week? I do feel much better cos of it. I'm also avoiding all the calls from an ex boyfriend of 20 years ago who keeps calling me .... it's a really long story I'd rather not go into. It's like ground hog day replayed over and over with him. We've nothing in common and I feel criticised when I'm around him and so I chose to stop answering his phone calls which over the years I've told him to stop calling as I feel harassed by him and he somehow manages to turn that round into my fault --- geez! and that he's hurt cos I say I feel harassed by him. Enough said ... I am making changes in my life right now .... and healthy ones :)
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Punctal Plugs : Tues 21st Feb 2006
I'm scheduled to have punctal plugs in my eyes in two days (eeek) on Tues 21st Feb 2006 with Jane Olver. I wonder if I'll have time to talk about my eyes with her ... probably not ... I'll probably have to wait until I see her on March 8th for my follow up consult which is when we'll discuss the next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and fat transfer.
I'm nervous .... whew ... ie about Tuesday ....
I'm nervous .... whew ... ie about Tuesday ....
Week 10 post surgery : Sun 19 Feb 06
Today is the end of Week 10, Sunday 19th Feb 06 and tomorrow is the start of Week 11 post surgery so I'm at the two and a half month mark since my Y-V endo brow lift, upper eyelid reconstruction, and ptosis repair ....
This week has been very stressful for me and I'm not sure if it's the trauma of the surgery and the events that have followed it, ie the hair loss and the need to use a wig though spending so much time with my best friend, whom is the only one in real life who knows about my hair loss problem, has resulted in me calling a time out with her. I found her money issues too overbearing as she'd intervene in everything and force her money issues onto me, ie when we went to look at wigs in Catford and Lewisham, and I mentioned how surprised I was at how cheap they were ie £40, her comments were, well you didn't want to go hunting for bargains which I found extremely sarcastic - it's just her money issues talking as she likes her bargains - whereas I believe you pay for what you get and I don't have any issues in paying the price for something that is worth it, ie my wig, which was £235, and was a monofilament whereas the wigs we saw in Lewisham and Catford were cheap imitations with scalps that were obviously wigs. It's just my best friend's mannerism that bothers me as we had to go through this over and over and over and over again in all the shops we went to and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
My tolerance level is extremely low, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable with my hair loss etc and to have to deal with her money issues forced on me forced me over the edge and I called a time out. There were many other issues as well - just like any break ups, it doesn't happen overnight and this has been an issue for me for many months, if not years. It's just her overall thought process that brings me down and I need to meditate, to refocus, to bring myself back into my center and to protect myself from her energy which I feel drains me and right now I need all the energy I can get to help myself heal from the surgery mentally, emotionally and physically without having her draining my energy supply. It's like she feeds off me like a psychic vampire - arrrgh.
Calling a time out with her felt like I was breaking up a relationship and that in itself was very stressful but I had no choice. I spent the rest of the week working out after work in order to rid my stress and have started meditating when I am in bed and it's been helping as already I've lost 1-2 pounds and feel much better for it. I've also changed my eating habits. It's amazing how losing a few pounds can make you feel better as one is no longer bloated and my jeans can zip up properly and my clothes fit again.
Work has been stressful as the temp who sits across me still keeps staring at me and I keep catching her doing it. She doesn't look away either now when I catch her and I find it very annoying and rude. Even BN was staring at me when he was giving me some work, ie stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Wot? I really wanted to ask him what he was staring at. I'm perplexed. I really am.
I am back wearing my wig at work and this week thankfully my head/scalp did not itch (whew) and it was much better. I used one of the wig nets that was too tight and my scalp is bruised on both sides and still is today, Sunday 19th Feb. I'm learning to play around with my wig style which makes me feel better as I can make it look like it's my own real hair, ie even fooling myself, with the way I wear it and that makes a huge difference to me and my self confidence.
I keep watching people and noticing how their hair is and whose wearing a wig and/or weaves especially black people and I realise that a lot of black people's hair is not real and a lot of people especially black people wear wigs, which I hadn't realised before. My sense of awareness is heightened and I'm not sure if that's a good thing cos I'm even looking at people and looking at their eyes and face and eyebrows to see if they've had anything done and/or if they're drooping etc .... I wish I could switch this off though I guess in due time it'll fade away perhaps ... or maybe not ...
I went to Bluewater yesterday to Vision Express to have an eyetest done as I'm due for an eyetest. To summarise, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the way I was treated at Vision Express by the woman who was conducting the test as it all felt very clinical, she seemed to have no empathy or compassion and seemed to be a robot doing a job, and there was no personal touch, her questions were intrusive and I found her mannerism arrogant -- after about 10 mins or so I just walked out, left my eye test voucher at the counter, telling the staff there that I wasn't happy with her and when they asked me to wait to one side and that someone would be with me, I said NO and walked off - I'd seen her walk out of her cubicle and had come to the counter and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
I was shocked at my reaction cos this is so totally out of character. What's happening to me? My tolerance level for unacceptable behaviour is so low now that I'm not putting up with it. In one way it's a good thing I guess cos I'm changing and moving past the boundaries in my Type 9 personality of the Enneagram ie the Peacemaker and a Type 2, the Caretaker as I'm making myself uncomfortable .... and doing something that is out of character and building a stronger one. Probably won't make sense to those who don't understand the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com though that's fine as it makes sense to me. I'm growing that's all. It just feels alien and it's something I'm in a little shock about as I'm not sure where it's coming from ... perhaps it's hitting rock bottom and enough is enough that has forced the change in me. I've had enough.
Anyway I went to David Clulow around the corner in Bluewater and was treated much more professionally there and discovered that I have Prebyopia (ie where you have to move a book a distance away to read it -- eek) and that after 40 years of age, there's no stopping it really for anyone - that made me feel better. My prescription has also increased in strength and probably will in the next two years and at that time I may even need bifocals. Geez, do I have to grow old? (sighs). I work with guys that are in their early 20s and I'm the oldest one there, though I certainly don't look it. It's all in the mind I guess. It just has brought my mortality more in my thoughts.
I have been pondering the thought of a hair transplant on and off though I most likely won't do it as at times I look at my forehead and think I can handle it and it's not that bad though when I wash my face and hair, I can feel the space that wasn't there or rather was hair and not is no longer hair and is space where my forehead has increased and hairline increased too. That's upsetting.
I never thougth I'd wish my life away though I'm counting down the days for my next surgery in July which is now in 4 months and 1 week, which is 17 weeks. I work long hours and exercise afterwards so that the days go faster ... I'm trying to enjoy my days as well but am mainly living for July when I can complete my surgery and feel more whole within myself when I have my lower eyelid reconstruction, fat transfer in lower and upper eyelids and perhaps another left eyelash ptosis repair. I feel very incomplete at the moment, like something is missing. I do acknowledge that I do look so much better now than I did before my brow lift as my forehead looks so much better and I look so much younger (though that wasn't my intent), - it's just my left eye still bothers me and my wig helps me to hide the hollow in my left upper eyelid and I'm very self conscious still of my lower left eyelid droop though again I acknowledge that it is much much better than it was before. I've lived with this for over a year now and come July I'll have lived with it a year and a half. I just want to get on with my life; and when my full surgery is complete, I'll be able to hopefully no longer wear my wig (though I may keep it on till December - not sure yet - we'll see how long it takes for my bald patches to fill in).
I feel perhaps like one of those persons who is waiting for their surgery to transform from male to female or visa versa and until it is complete, they feel incomplete and unwhole and can't move on with their lives. It's hard to when you've got something hanging over you and you're so self conscious of it all the time. I understand obviously that their pain is much much more intense compared to mine.
This week has been very stressful for me and I'm not sure if it's the trauma of the surgery and the events that have followed it, ie the hair loss and the need to use a wig though spending so much time with my best friend, whom is the only one in real life who knows about my hair loss problem, has resulted in me calling a time out with her. I found her money issues too overbearing as she'd intervene in everything and force her money issues onto me, ie when we went to look at wigs in Catford and Lewisham, and I mentioned how surprised I was at how cheap they were ie £40, her comments were, well you didn't want to go hunting for bargains which I found extremely sarcastic - it's just her money issues talking as she likes her bargains - whereas I believe you pay for what you get and I don't have any issues in paying the price for something that is worth it, ie my wig, which was £235, and was a monofilament whereas the wigs we saw in Lewisham and Catford were cheap imitations with scalps that were obviously wigs. It's just my best friend's mannerism that bothers me as we had to go through this over and over and over and over again in all the shops we went to and I just couldn't handle it anymore.
My tolerance level is extremely low, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable with my hair loss etc and to have to deal with her money issues forced on me forced me over the edge and I called a time out. There were many other issues as well - just like any break ups, it doesn't happen overnight and this has been an issue for me for many months, if not years. It's just her overall thought process that brings me down and I need to meditate, to refocus, to bring myself back into my center and to protect myself from her energy which I feel drains me and right now I need all the energy I can get to help myself heal from the surgery mentally, emotionally and physically without having her draining my energy supply. It's like she feeds off me like a psychic vampire - arrrgh.
Calling a time out with her felt like I was breaking up a relationship and that in itself was very stressful but I had no choice. I spent the rest of the week working out after work in order to rid my stress and have started meditating when I am in bed and it's been helping as already I've lost 1-2 pounds and feel much better for it. I've also changed my eating habits. It's amazing how losing a few pounds can make you feel better as one is no longer bloated and my jeans can zip up properly and my clothes fit again.
Work has been stressful as the temp who sits across me still keeps staring at me and I keep catching her doing it. She doesn't look away either now when I catch her and I find it very annoying and rude. Even BN was staring at me when he was giving me some work, ie stopped mid sentence and just stared at me. Wot? I really wanted to ask him what he was staring at. I'm perplexed. I really am.
I am back wearing my wig at work and this week thankfully my head/scalp did not itch (whew) and it was much better. I used one of the wig nets that was too tight and my scalp is bruised on both sides and still is today, Sunday 19th Feb. I'm learning to play around with my wig style which makes me feel better as I can make it look like it's my own real hair, ie even fooling myself, with the way I wear it and that makes a huge difference to me and my self confidence.
I keep watching people and noticing how their hair is and whose wearing a wig and/or weaves especially black people and I realise that a lot of black people's hair is not real and a lot of people especially black people wear wigs, which I hadn't realised before. My sense of awareness is heightened and I'm not sure if that's a good thing cos I'm even looking at people and looking at their eyes and face and eyebrows to see if they've had anything done and/or if they're drooping etc .... I wish I could switch this off though I guess in due time it'll fade away perhaps ... or maybe not ...
I went to Bluewater yesterday to Vision Express to have an eyetest done as I'm due for an eyetest. To summarise, I felt extremely uncomfortable with the way I was treated at Vision Express by the woman who was conducting the test as it all felt very clinical, she seemed to have no empathy or compassion and seemed to be a robot doing a job, and there was no personal touch, her questions were intrusive and I found her mannerism arrogant -- after about 10 mins or so I just walked out, left my eye test voucher at the counter, telling the staff there that I wasn't happy with her and when they asked me to wait to one side and that someone would be with me, I said NO and walked off - I'd seen her walk out of her cubicle and had come to the counter and I wanted nothing more to do with her.
I was shocked at my reaction cos this is so totally out of character. What's happening to me? My tolerance level for unacceptable behaviour is so low now that I'm not putting up with it. In one way it's a good thing I guess cos I'm changing and moving past the boundaries in my Type 9 personality of the Enneagram ie the Peacemaker and a Type 2, the Caretaker as I'm making myself uncomfortable .... and doing something that is out of character and building a stronger one. Probably won't make sense to those who don't understand the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com though that's fine as it makes sense to me. I'm growing that's all. It just feels alien and it's something I'm in a little shock about as I'm not sure where it's coming from ... perhaps it's hitting rock bottom and enough is enough that has forced the change in me. I've had enough.
Anyway I went to David Clulow around the corner in Bluewater and was treated much more professionally there and discovered that I have Prebyopia (ie where you have to move a book a distance away to read it -- eek) and that after 40 years of age, there's no stopping it really for anyone - that made me feel better. My prescription has also increased in strength and probably will in the next two years and at that time I may even need bifocals. Geez, do I have to grow old? (sighs). I work with guys that are in their early 20s and I'm the oldest one there, though I certainly don't look it. It's all in the mind I guess. It just has brought my mortality more in my thoughts.
I have been pondering the thought of a hair transplant on and off though I most likely won't do it as at times I look at my forehead and think I can handle it and it's not that bad though when I wash my face and hair, I can feel the space that wasn't there or rather was hair and not is no longer hair and is space where my forehead has increased and hairline increased too. That's upsetting.
I never thougth I'd wish my life away though I'm counting down the days for my next surgery in July which is now in 4 months and 1 week, which is 17 weeks. I work long hours and exercise afterwards so that the days go faster ... I'm trying to enjoy my days as well but am mainly living for July when I can complete my surgery and feel more whole within myself when I have my lower eyelid reconstruction, fat transfer in lower and upper eyelids and perhaps another left eyelash ptosis repair. I feel very incomplete at the moment, like something is missing. I do acknowledge that I do look so much better now than I did before my brow lift as my forehead looks so much better and I look so much younger (though that wasn't my intent), - it's just my left eye still bothers me and my wig helps me to hide the hollow in my left upper eyelid and I'm very self conscious still of my lower left eyelid droop though again I acknowledge that it is much much better than it was before. I've lived with this for over a year now and come July I'll have lived with it a year and a half. I just want to get on with my life; and when my full surgery is complete, I'll be able to hopefully no longer wear my wig (though I may keep it on till December - not sure yet - we'll see how long it takes for my bald patches to fill in).
I feel perhaps like one of those persons who is waiting for their surgery to transform from male to female or visa versa and until it is complete, they feel incomplete and unwhole and can't move on with their lives. It's hard to when you've got something hanging over you and you're so self conscious of it all the time. I understand obviously that their pain is much much more intense compared to mine.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Day 69 post surgery : Week 9 : Sun 12 Feb 06
It hasn't been the wonderful story that we'd all have liked to have been on Friday, when I went to have my hair extensions put in. I was so excited beforehand for days leading up to it; and afterwards I felt completely deflated, like my life was in ruins and disaster lay ahead for the next few months - I'm sure we all know how it feels like to have a bad hair cut especially those who have long hair to have their locks cut off.
To cut a long story short, I trusted the hairdresser as he seemed to know what he was talking about. In spite of going to see Mark Cook at the Mark Sharp saloon a few weeks ago in Mayfair, who said that he didn't think my hair was that bad and that he didn't think I needed the hair braiding system as I'd be wasting my money and that he couldn't help me with hair extensions as while he could thicken the back, he couldn't do anything for my front.
Anyway this hairdresser that I went to on Friday cuts my hair at the back and then cuts about 8 inches off my fringe. I'm shocked but I trust him as he seems so confident. I can't see what he's doing as it's all at the back of me. At the end of it all, he only puts about 7 extensions in the front of my hair and most of it is my own hair, just cut into a fringe and all the hair from the back of my head has been combed forward and 8 inches cut off it. He said this was the only way that would hide my incision lines. I hate him so much right now and feel extremely angry cos it took a long time to grow my hair and it's just f****ging ruined.
My hair at the back looks thick (I never needed it thick anyway in the first place) and at the front all that is left is my hair combed from the back to the front, with a fringe in as he's cut 8 inches off my hair and 7 braids that stick out like braids do and it looks horribly ridiculous. I ask him is that all he's going to do and he says yes. I said it looks silly cos my forehead can be seen through my fringe and he said I have to be careful how I stand and to not stand under spotlights (wot? I work under spotlights as there are spotlights all over my office building - everywhere). I flick my hair and the braids stick out and he said I have to be careful how I touch my hair and to use hairspray to keep it in place.
I'm in shock and taking this all in. There's still a bald spot on the right side of my forehead and I ask him is this all he's going to do and he said yes. He's avoiding me at this stage and as everyone has gone home, he's tidying up and avoiding me and not even asking me how I feel about this. He shows me the back and I'm still in shock. I hated the front. I'm not sure what hit me. My heart sank and I felt like one of those bald men in the adverts who have only one strand of hair which they try to flick across their head to hide their baldness.
He doesn't even ask me if I like it and starts to tell me I'll get used to them in a couple of days and how to comb it. I'm in shock and don't know how to react and don't want to cause a scene so walk out in shock and went to see my best friend. I only stayed for 2 mins as I was about to burst into tears. She looked at my hair and said it wasn't that bad and I said yeah but it's not something I'm confident with and it feels weird and stupid especially the fringe. I'm feeling so angry and upset just writing about it again as it feels like I'm reliving the whole nightmare again.
Anyway I left fairly quickly as she was giving my sympathethic looks and feeling sorry for me and I couldn't take that.
When I got home all I wanted to do was pull all the extensions out as they looked so ridiculous. Imagine a fringe of thin hair covering a forehead which shows the skin under the forehead and also a high hairline and then several braids in the left hand corner sticking out. Bleh. The hairdresser said the benefits would far outweigh the fact that the extensions would show. Oh I hate him so much right now. I should have listened to that original hairdresser who specialises in hair loss who said I didn't need anything and to just use Nourkrin supplements to help my hair grow and/or get thicker.
This guy Pearce Moore of Chandler Wright hairdressers who claims to be a senior stylist for 20 years just took my money and ruined my hair but cutting it all off and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing in the end as I looked ridiculous.
I decided that I wanted my hair extensions out as I couldn't take them anymore and pulled out several that night in my fringe and felt and looked so much better without those stupid braids sticking out of my head. It was the most stupid thing I've ever seen on someone's head, which happens to be my own. Any idiot would have seen that it looked ridiculous and for someone who claims to be a senior hairstylist to think that I'd like that is just in denial or something. He couldn't look me in the eye when I paid him. That says something in itself.
Anyway the next morning at 9.30am we went to the hairdressers and he eventually comes up to me and asks if I'll not wait a few more days. I said I wanted to see him downstairs and showed him that I had already taken several in the front out and how much better it looked already without those stupid braids sticking out. I said I hated them and wanted them all out and that my hair and style looked like some bald person trying to pretend he had hair with one braid of hair or thereabouts and I hated it. I didn't like how it felt and how it looked and I just wanted them out. The rest is a blur and he gave in and stopped trying to persuade me (I'm glad my friend was there cos he would have tried to work on me and convince me to keep them in a while longer etc to get used to them - asswipe!).
When all the braids were out, he came down and said he thought I didn't need to use the wig anymore and that my hair was fine to wear to work as it was ... to which I replied that I was using the wig and that I didn't like my hairstyle (he'd said at least I'd gotten a good haircut out of this). I said I hated my hairstyle - he said he liked it and I replied that yes he did but I didn't; and that I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror cos I hated my hair so much and that the whole point of the extensions was to feel confident about myself as I needed that for my work and all that had been taken away from me and I just wanted to never look at myself again. He shut up for once as I was getting very agitated at this point for him trying to convince me I had a great hairstyle when he'd cut off unnecessarilly 8 inches off my hair at the front and which will take me a long time to grow back and restyle to fit into my remaining hair; and worst case scenario I may have to cut all my hair off so they're all even and regrow everything which will take years. I hate that man so much.
He didn't even have the decency to give half a refund back and just said he was sorry it didn't work out as he helped me on with my coat. I didn't say anything and just walked out. I was that angry (and still am).
My best friend and I did some window shopping for some wigs as I wanted to find a wig that had better hair quality than the one I currently have been wearing cos it has always felt like doll's hair. We only found cheap wigs and I ended up back at the wig store where I bought my original wig from. I tried on a few wigs and nothing suited and then I spotted one I really liked and asked to try it on. As it turns out, it was the same wig style that I had originally bought (grins). Strange thing was though that the hair quality was beautiful and silky and I could run my fingers through it and I asked why this was. The lady asked if I had conditioned my wig and I said no cos I wasn't given any - so that perhaps is the answer and she also said I needed to use anti static every day on the wig to avoid static when it rubs on my clothes.
I happened to see 2 ladies wear my wig style in the store and they looked absolutely beautiful in it and I was mesmerised and it didn't even look like a wig and I then realised why people were staring at me (or rather staring at my wig) cos it looked beautiful and the wig was mesmerising; and this was such a godsend to me cos I felt so much better knowing now why people are staring and have been staring at me. Thank you Universe!!!
I was really glad I went to the store as I walked away with conditioner and anti static spray to help the wig condition become more silky and finger manageable and also saw two people (young ones) wear the same wig style as me and I now know how other people see my hair and it does not look like a wig at all.
It was a hectic 24 hours. The only thing is my natural hair is still ruined and I'll have to live with that for the next few months under the wig if not a year while it all grows out. I'll be fine - I have to be; and I may even buy another wig in the same style but different colour so I can tell those at work that I had dyed my hair a different colour every six weeks. I could even buy 2 more wigs ie 2 more different colours .... it's cheaper online than in the store.
Itchy scalp
These past few days my scalp has been getting very itchy and when I scratch in a certain spot I can feel nothing - no sensations whatsoever which is weird. Maybe that's why it itches cos the nerves are regenerating. It's a very frustrating sensation as I scratch and nothing. It feels like ants crawing under a spot on my scalp and when I touch the area there is no sensation. So I end up scratching or massaging another area which has sensation and it feels a little better.
When I told Jane about this in December, she said it would get worst (eeek).
To cut a long story short, I trusted the hairdresser as he seemed to know what he was talking about. In spite of going to see Mark Cook at the Mark Sharp saloon a few weeks ago in Mayfair, who said that he didn't think my hair was that bad and that he didn't think I needed the hair braiding system as I'd be wasting my money and that he couldn't help me with hair extensions as while he could thicken the back, he couldn't do anything for my front.
Anyway this hairdresser that I went to on Friday cuts my hair at the back and then cuts about 8 inches off my fringe. I'm shocked but I trust him as he seems so confident. I can't see what he's doing as it's all at the back of me. At the end of it all, he only puts about 7 extensions in the front of my hair and most of it is my own hair, just cut into a fringe and all the hair from the back of my head has been combed forward and 8 inches cut off it. He said this was the only way that would hide my incision lines. I hate him so much right now and feel extremely angry cos it took a long time to grow my hair and it's just f****ging ruined.
My hair at the back looks thick (I never needed it thick anyway in the first place) and at the front all that is left is my hair combed from the back to the front, with a fringe in as he's cut 8 inches off my hair and 7 braids that stick out like braids do and it looks horribly ridiculous. I ask him is that all he's going to do and he says yes. I said it looks silly cos my forehead can be seen through my fringe and he said I have to be careful how I stand and to not stand under spotlights (wot? I work under spotlights as there are spotlights all over my office building - everywhere). I flick my hair and the braids stick out and he said I have to be careful how I touch my hair and to use hairspray to keep it in place.
I'm in shock and taking this all in. There's still a bald spot on the right side of my forehead and I ask him is this all he's going to do and he said yes. He's avoiding me at this stage and as everyone has gone home, he's tidying up and avoiding me and not even asking me how I feel about this. He shows me the back and I'm still in shock. I hated the front. I'm not sure what hit me. My heart sank and I felt like one of those bald men in the adverts who have only one strand of hair which they try to flick across their head to hide their baldness.
He doesn't even ask me if I like it and starts to tell me I'll get used to them in a couple of days and how to comb it. I'm in shock and don't know how to react and don't want to cause a scene so walk out in shock and went to see my best friend. I only stayed for 2 mins as I was about to burst into tears. She looked at my hair and said it wasn't that bad and I said yeah but it's not something I'm confident with and it feels weird and stupid especially the fringe. I'm feeling so angry and upset just writing about it again as it feels like I'm reliving the whole nightmare again.
Anyway I left fairly quickly as she was giving my sympathethic looks and feeling sorry for me and I couldn't take that.
When I got home all I wanted to do was pull all the extensions out as they looked so ridiculous. Imagine a fringe of thin hair covering a forehead which shows the skin under the forehead and also a high hairline and then several braids in the left hand corner sticking out. Bleh. The hairdresser said the benefits would far outweigh the fact that the extensions would show. Oh I hate him so much right now. I should have listened to that original hairdresser who specialises in hair loss who said I didn't need anything and to just use Nourkrin supplements to help my hair grow and/or get thicker.
This guy Pearce Moore of Chandler Wright hairdressers who claims to be a senior stylist for 20 years just took my money and ruined my hair but cutting it all off and didn't have a clue as to what he was doing in the end as I looked ridiculous.
I decided that I wanted my hair extensions out as I couldn't take them anymore and pulled out several that night in my fringe and felt and looked so much better without those stupid braids sticking out of my head. It was the most stupid thing I've ever seen on someone's head, which happens to be my own. Any idiot would have seen that it looked ridiculous and for someone who claims to be a senior hairstylist to think that I'd like that is just in denial or something. He couldn't look me in the eye when I paid him. That says something in itself.
Anyway the next morning at 9.30am we went to the hairdressers and he eventually comes up to me and asks if I'll not wait a few more days. I said I wanted to see him downstairs and showed him that I had already taken several in the front out and how much better it looked already without those stupid braids sticking out. I said I hated them and wanted them all out and that my hair and style looked like some bald person trying to pretend he had hair with one braid of hair or thereabouts and I hated it. I didn't like how it felt and how it looked and I just wanted them out. The rest is a blur and he gave in and stopped trying to persuade me (I'm glad my friend was there cos he would have tried to work on me and convince me to keep them in a while longer etc to get used to them - asswipe!).
When all the braids were out, he came down and said he thought I didn't need to use the wig anymore and that my hair was fine to wear to work as it was ... to which I replied that I was using the wig and that I didn't like my hairstyle (he'd said at least I'd gotten a good haircut out of this). I said I hated my hairstyle - he said he liked it and I replied that yes he did but I didn't; and that I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror cos I hated my hair so much and that the whole point of the extensions was to feel confident about myself as I needed that for my work and all that had been taken away from me and I just wanted to never look at myself again. He shut up for once as I was getting very agitated at this point for him trying to convince me I had a great hairstyle when he'd cut off unnecessarilly 8 inches off my hair at the front and which will take me a long time to grow back and restyle to fit into my remaining hair; and worst case scenario I may have to cut all my hair off so they're all even and regrow everything which will take years. I hate that man so much.
He didn't even have the decency to give half a refund back and just said he was sorry it didn't work out as he helped me on with my coat. I didn't say anything and just walked out. I was that angry (and still am).
My best friend and I did some window shopping for some wigs as I wanted to find a wig that had better hair quality than the one I currently have been wearing cos it has always felt like doll's hair. We only found cheap wigs and I ended up back at the wig store where I bought my original wig from. I tried on a few wigs and nothing suited and then I spotted one I really liked and asked to try it on. As it turns out, it was the same wig style that I had originally bought (grins). Strange thing was though that the hair quality was beautiful and silky and I could run my fingers through it and I asked why this was. The lady asked if I had conditioned my wig and I said no cos I wasn't given any - so that perhaps is the answer and she also said I needed to use anti static every day on the wig to avoid static when it rubs on my clothes.
I happened to see 2 ladies wear my wig style in the store and they looked absolutely beautiful in it and I was mesmerised and it didn't even look like a wig and I then realised why people were staring at me (or rather staring at my wig) cos it looked beautiful and the wig was mesmerising; and this was such a godsend to me cos I felt so much better knowing now why people are staring and have been staring at me. Thank you Universe!!!
I was really glad I went to the store as I walked away with conditioner and anti static spray to help the wig condition become more silky and finger manageable and also saw two people (young ones) wear the same wig style as me and I now know how other people see my hair and it does not look like a wig at all.
It was a hectic 24 hours. The only thing is my natural hair is still ruined and I'll have to live with that for the next few months under the wig if not a year while it all grows out. I'll be fine - I have to be; and I may even buy another wig in the same style but different colour so I can tell those at work that I had dyed my hair a different colour every six weeks. I could even buy 2 more wigs ie 2 more different colours .... it's cheaper online than in the store.
Itchy scalp
These past few days my scalp has been getting very itchy and when I scratch in a certain spot I can feel nothing - no sensations whatsoever which is weird. Maybe that's why it itches cos the nerves are regenerating. It's a very frustrating sensation as I scratch and nothing. It feels like ants crawing under a spot on my scalp and when I touch the area there is no sensation. So I end up scratching or massaging another area which has sensation and it feels a little better.
When I told Jane about this in December, she said it would get worst (eeek).
Friday, February 10, 2006
Day 67 : Week 9 post surgery : Fri 10 Feb 06
I'm slowing down some in my journalling and picture taking, which is to be expected. I've been posting snippets on the thread at Make Me Heal instead of posting here.
One of my biggest issues is still my wig and today Friday 10th Feb, I'm going to the hairdressers to have some extensions put in - which is a first for me - and I'm very excited.
I've also slowed down on my picture taking and goodness only knows when I last took a picture.
My scalp has been itching quite a bit lately .... arrrrgh .... and at work under the wig, it's very difficult to have a good ole scratch and I've had to resort to taking my wig off in the cubicle in the ladies and enjoying a head massage and then putting my wig back on again. Bliss. It's the nerves regenerating and these itches seem to happen where the incision lines are, and also where the bald spots are .... and my hair seemingly feels non existent when I'm scratching.
I still have the crinkly look on my left upper eyelid .. I don't expect that to go. When I look down, there's discomfort in my left lower eye ... feels like I have something under my eye ... hard to explain.
My eyes have been feeling more gritty at work and red and when I use Lacrilube, the lubricant tends to leak out of my eyes. Very embarassing. I'll have to think of something else to use ... perhaps the eye ointment that Jane had recommended and which I used in the hospital which is thicker.
I need to post updated pixs of before and after at 9 weeks post surgery.
One of my biggest issues is still my wig and today Friday 10th Feb, I'm going to the hairdressers to have some extensions put in - which is a first for me - and I'm very excited.
I've also slowed down on my picture taking and goodness only knows when I last took a picture.
My scalp has been itching quite a bit lately .... arrrrgh .... and at work under the wig, it's very difficult to have a good ole scratch and I've had to resort to taking my wig off in the cubicle in the ladies and enjoying a head massage and then putting my wig back on again. Bliss. It's the nerves regenerating and these itches seem to happen where the incision lines are, and also where the bald spots are .... and my hair seemingly feels non existent when I'm scratching.
I still have the crinkly look on my left upper eyelid .. I don't expect that to go. When I look down, there's discomfort in my left lower eye ... feels like I have something under my eye ... hard to explain.
My eyes have been feeling more gritty at work and red and when I use Lacrilube, the lubricant tends to leak out of my eyes. Very embarassing. I'll have to think of something else to use ... perhaps the eye ointment that Jane had recommended and which I used in the hospital which is thicker.
I need to post updated pixs of before and after at 9 weeks post surgery.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Day 62 post surgery : Week 8 : Sun 5th Feb 06
Today I coloured my hair for the first time since my surgery. I use Aubrey Organics hair colour which contains NO phenylenediamine, NO coal tar dyes—NO synthetic chemicals of any kind - http://www.aubrey-organics.com/product1.cfm?product_id=622&cat=31.
Since using paraben free make up and toiletries, my skin has improved drastically - it's no longer red and rashy with hives and dry and flaky and looks much healthier with no attacks of hives (used to get that for years).
I've to wait 2 hours before I can wash it and will report back later how it went. My hair already started tangling when I started to colour it .... it's very different to the normal haircolour we see in the shops and takes a while to put it on - it's like adding on mud to your hair (giggles). But it's a healthier way and no chemicals get into my skin and I'm ok to take the extra time out.
Will report back later .... I'm not looking forward to detangling it later as usually after it's all washed out it takes a good while to detangle ... my hair, since a young child, has always been extremely tangly!!
I'm suffering again from thrush and cystitis and it's very frustrating as well as painful (sniffles). Side effects of the steroids and antibiotics from surgery.
I watched Ten Years Younger this week and saw a 34 year old have fat transfer into her jowls - which made me think I can ask Jane to do that to my jowl lines when I have my fat transfer as I can't afford my Isolagen http://www.isolagen.com injections this year even. As she's injecting my uppers and lowers I can't see why she can't inject my jowl areas as well. I wonder if she'll charge more. I'll ask her when I see her either on the 21st Feb this year for my puntal plugs or on the 8th March when I see her for a follow up and to discuss the lower eyelid surgery then.
Since using paraben free make up and toiletries, my skin has improved drastically - it's no longer red and rashy with hives and dry and flaky and looks much healthier with no attacks of hives (used to get that for years).
I've to wait 2 hours before I can wash it and will report back later how it went. My hair already started tangling when I started to colour it .... it's very different to the normal haircolour we see in the shops and takes a while to put it on - it's like adding on mud to your hair (giggles). But it's a healthier way and no chemicals get into my skin and I'm ok to take the extra time out.
Will report back later .... I'm not looking forward to detangling it later as usually after it's all washed out it takes a good while to detangle ... my hair, since a young child, has always been extremely tangly!!
I'm suffering again from thrush and cystitis and it's very frustrating as well as painful (sniffles). Side effects of the steroids and antibiotics from surgery.
I watched Ten Years Younger this week and saw a 34 year old have fat transfer into her jowls - which made me think I can ask Jane to do that to my jowl lines when I have my fat transfer as I can't afford my Isolagen http://www.isolagen.com injections this year even. As she's injecting my uppers and lowers I can't see why she can't inject my jowl areas as well. I wonder if she'll charge more. I'll ask her when I see her either on the 21st Feb this year for my puntal plugs or on the 8th March when I see her for a follow up and to discuss the lower eyelid surgery then.
Day 61 post surgery : Week 8 : Sat 4 Feb 06
Woops, it's been over a week since I've last updated my blog - sorrie! Time constraints and I'd been posting at the Make Me Heal thread in snippets instead.
Summary of this week is that woah I bumped into a few people at work who hadn't seen me before with my new hair.
The first thing JB said to me in the lift when she saw me was "What have you done to your hair?". That took me back a bit and I replied that I'd had a fringe put in and some colour. We were on our way home and we agreed to have lunch the next day. At lunch she kept staring at me ... she's the only one who knows about my eye surgery -- and she said that my eyes looked very open. She liked it and she also loved the hair which she kept staring at. She said she loved the colour and that I should always keep the colour. She asked if it was extensions. I said yes. Wanted to tell her it was a wig but decided not to.
Later I saw AMG and the first thing she said was my hair's grown and had I had extensions. I said yes though only for thickness. She liked it (I think) as I can't remember if she said she didn't.
Then on the lift back down to my floor I bumped into one of the temps and she said in the lift that she'd been meaning to tell me that she liked my hair.
It was one of the first validations that people liked my hair and that they thought it was extensions and not a wig (whew). That was such a relief for me. I felt so much better.
Though my head still hurts and has patches where the hair net under digs into my scalp and it hurts periodically or constantly to wear the wig and hair net underneath and I really want to try and find an alternate, ie extensions.
My best friend went hunting round for hairdressers locally who do extensions and today, Saturday, we went to Christopher Wright saloon and met up with one of their senior stylists who I immediately felt at ease with and who was very confident that he could do something with my hair using ProHair extensions. He could give me body at the back of my hair and also at the front, thou said a couple of braids may show through a little but that the benefits of it would far outweigh the cons and that he could also give me a feathered fringe which is lovely as that's what I'd love.
Price wise he said it'd cost £150 and it'd be like 90 mins work, which I was shocked about as I thought it'd be much more and take much longer. He said I didn't need that much put in as I already had hair and length and we were just adding body.
I'm also very shocked that Mark Sharp studio couldn't do this or perhaps wouldn't do this but everything happens for a reason and I'm much happier here as the saloon is much more friendly and more local to me.
I felt very irritated with my best friend as she has issues with money. Most of what she buys has to be a bargain - and she reminds me of those that are called Chavs here in the UK, ie those who buy imitation labelled products at a bargain price and flash the labels (or something like that). My best friend was getting into a roll that the lady who sold me my wig had seen me coming and I was probably her best sale of the month etc .... I don't have an issue with paying the price that I paid for that wig and obviously my friend does. I've known her for 23 years and this is one of the things that bothers me about her. She is NHS and I'm private ie on BUPA. We're just so very different and I am amazed we've remained friends for so long as she's the opposite to me in a lot of things - practically 95% of what I do and believe in, she's the opposite though she wants to try and imitate me with my spirituality beliefs etc but gives up as she procrastinates.
Louise Hay does say that the subject of money is one of the most toughest subjects that people have and are passionate about and lots will refuse to give up their life long beliefs about money and/or lack of and to change their beliefs about money from lack to being abundant is very hard for lots. My best friend desperately wants to change her lack of prosperity and has asked for my help in this area (though I sense she wants her cake without having to do the hard work of baking it or wants to plant her seed and have instant plant). I've given her the books on prosperity where she's been too lazy to buy her own and I refuse to make her copies of my affirmation tapes on prosperity as if she desperately wants to change her prosperity, then she should make the effort to buy the tapes as rerecording is illegal and I will not do this. She always wants something for nothing if she can. I've given her website links and all the tools she needs to change her prosperity consciousness and she still procrastinates - starts of well and motivated by soon dwindles and if I question her on why she dwindles she says of course she wants it hard enough but doesn't have time ... bleh poor excuse. She's overweigh and complains of it all the time and yet she has all the tools in her hands to do something about it ie workout videos and the gym etc - she's always always on some fad diet of one sort or another trying to look for some quick fix ... as Susan Jeffers says, there is no quick fix - you have to put the work into it.
I was frustrated with her until I realised the above and decided to journal it to help me remember why my best friend has such an issue with money and why she reacts to my spending money and having personal health care when she uses the NHS and everything free. She can't stand the dentist, freaks out at needles, is an extremely nervous patient and is against everything that I stand for right now ie with me and my surgeries and has poo pooed me a fair number of times ... perhaps deep down she's doing it cos she cares about me and is scared that if I have surgeries I'll never come out of anaesthesia etc ... though the way she goes about me completely puts me off wanting to be friends with her as I feel totally alienated with the way she talks to me.
Metaphysically understanding, she doesn't know any better and she's doing the best she can coming from where she comes from and knowing what she knows and is in pattern, ie learned behaviour from childhood, which if I bring up with her, she'll deny - cos she's personally in denial.
On Thurs evening this week, 2nd Feb, I had dinner with an old friend I've known for 25 years or so. He was all compliments about how I looked and kept staring at me, saying I looked ten years younger, especially with my glasses on and was asking whether I'd changed my glasses. After 10-15 mins of his gushing out how wonderful I looked I couldn't take anymore and told him I'd tell him my secret shortly - to which he replied .. oh plastic surgery(?). I didn't like that answer too much so just told him I'd had upper eyelid reconstruction and left it at that, showing him my eyes wouldn't shut and he accepted that. He liked my hair especially the colour - I really wanted to tell him it was a wig but he'd only start complaining I should use my own hair and be natural etc so I left it.
More to follow and hopefully pictures
Summary of this week is that woah I bumped into a few people at work who hadn't seen me before with my new hair.
The first thing JB said to me in the lift when she saw me was "What have you done to your hair?". That took me back a bit and I replied that I'd had a fringe put in and some colour. We were on our way home and we agreed to have lunch the next day. At lunch she kept staring at me ... she's the only one who knows about my eye surgery -- and she said that my eyes looked very open. She liked it and she also loved the hair which she kept staring at. She said she loved the colour and that I should always keep the colour. She asked if it was extensions. I said yes. Wanted to tell her it was a wig but decided not to.
Later I saw AMG and the first thing she said was my hair's grown and had I had extensions. I said yes though only for thickness. She liked it (I think) as I can't remember if she said she didn't.
Then on the lift back down to my floor I bumped into one of the temps and she said in the lift that she'd been meaning to tell me that she liked my hair.
It was one of the first validations that people liked my hair and that they thought it was extensions and not a wig (whew). That was such a relief for me. I felt so much better.
Though my head still hurts and has patches where the hair net under digs into my scalp and it hurts periodically or constantly to wear the wig and hair net underneath and I really want to try and find an alternate, ie extensions.
My best friend went hunting round for hairdressers locally who do extensions and today, Saturday, we went to Christopher Wright saloon and met up with one of their senior stylists who I immediately felt at ease with and who was very confident that he could do something with my hair using ProHair extensions. He could give me body at the back of my hair and also at the front, thou said a couple of braids may show through a little but that the benefits of it would far outweigh the cons and that he could also give me a feathered fringe which is lovely as that's what I'd love.
Price wise he said it'd cost £150 and it'd be like 90 mins work, which I was shocked about as I thought it'd be much more and take much longer. He said I didn't need that much put in as I already had hair and length and we were just adding body.
I'm also very shocked that Mark Sharp studio couldn't do this or perhaps wouldn't do this but everything happens for a reason and I'm much happier here as the saloon is much more friendly and more local to me.
I felt very irritated with my best friend as she has issues with money. Most of what she buys has to be a bargain - and she reminds me of those that are called Chavs here in the UK, ie those who buy imitation labelled products at a bargain price and flash the labels (or something like that). My best friend was getting into a roll that the lady who sold me my wig had seen me coming and I was probably her best sale of the month etc .... I don't have an issue with paying the price that I paid for that wig and obviously my friend does. I've known her for 23 years and this is one of the things that bothers me about her. She is NHS and I'm private ie on BUPA. We're just so very different and I am amazed we've remained friends for so long as she's the opposite to me in a lot of things - practically 95% of what I do and believe in, she's the opposite though she wants to try and imitate me with my spirituality beliefs etc but gives up as she procrastinates.
Louise Hay does say that the subject of money is one of the most toughest subjects that people have and are passionate about and lots will refuse to give up their life long beliefs about money and/or lack of and to change their beliefs about money from lack to being abundant is very hard for lots. My best friend desperately wants to change her lack of prosperity and has asked for my help in this area (though I sense she wants her cake without having to do the hard work of baking it or wants to plant her seed and have instant plant). I've given her the books on prosperity where she's been too lazy to buy her own and I refuse to make her copies of my affirmation tapes on prosperity as if she desperately wants to change her prosperity, then she should make the effort to buy the tapes as rerecording is illegal and I will not do this. She always wants something for nothing if she can. I've given her website links and all the tools she needs to change her prosperity consciousness and she still procrastinates - starts of well and motivated by soon dwindles and if I question her on why she dwindles she says of course she wants it hard enough but doesn't have time ... bleh poor excuse. She's overweigh and complains of it all the time and yet she has all the tools in her hands to do something about it ie workout videos and the gym etc - she's always always on some fad diet of one sort or another trying to look for some quick fix ... as Susan Jeffers says, there is no quick fix - you have to put the work into it.
I was frustrated with her until I realised the above and decided to journal it to help me remember why my best friend has such an issue with money and why she reacts to my spending money and having personal health care when she uses the NHS and everything free. She can't stand the dentist, freaks out at needles, is an extremely nervous patient and is against everything that I stand for right now ie with me and my surgeries and has poo pooed me a fair number of times ... perhaps deep down she's doing it cos she cares about me and is scared that if I have surgeries I'll never come out of anaesthesia etc ... though the way she goes about me completely puts me off wanting to be friends with her as I feel totally alienated with the way she talks to me.
Metaphysically understanding, she doesn't know any better and she's doing the best she can coming from where she comes from and knowing what she knows and is in pattern, ie learned behaviour from childhood, which if I bring up with her, she'll deny - cos she's personally in denial.
On Thurs evening this week, 2nd Feb, I had dinner with an old friend I've known for 25 years or so. He was all compliments about how I looked and kept staring at me, saying I looked ten years younger, especially with my glasses on and was asking whether I'd changed my glasses. After 10-15 mins of his gushing out how wonderful I looked I couldn't take anymore and told him I'd tell him my secret shortly - to which he replied .. oh plastic surgery(?). I didn't like that answer too much so just told him I'd had upper eyelid reconstruction and left it at that, showing him my eyes wouldn't shut and he accepted that. He liked my hair especially the colour - I really wanted to tell him it was a wig but he'd only start complaining I should use my own hair and be natural etc so I left it.
More to follow and hopefully pictures
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Day 52 post surgery : Week 7 - Thurs 26 Jan 06
I'm getting very paranoid as people at work at continuing to stare at my hair (sniffles). I'm not sure if they're admiring it and/or thinking errrgggh that's a wig. Cos I feel so insecure inside, I feel others are looking down on me (sighs). I wish so much I could just get rid of the wig and wear my own hair as I'm tired of the looks - geez it's gone from people staring at my eyes to now staring at my hair (sniffles) though as I said I'm not sure if they're admiring it or thinking ergh, that's a wig and/or hey, she's wearing extensions, or isn't she ... and they stare to take a closer look.
I've lost count now how many people have stared at the top of my head or at the side of my head / hair and how many people have done double takes. NS today did a double take in that he was talking to the others in the desks in front of me and then I caught him doing a double take and staring at me and I'm thinking, what the heck is he looking at? Do I really look that bad? Or is it that I look better now and if that's the case did I really look that horrible before - though if I did look good why on earth would he do a double take? I don't understand.
Why are people looking at the top of my head/hair? I've started to scruffle it up a bit today to make it look scruffy and more natural looking, hoping that'll help and have changed the parting a little. Geez the next 5 months of wearing this wig is going to be a learning curve for me.
My Nourkrin tablets arrived today and a few had broken out of the capsule and oh ergh, they stank!! I hope my breath doesn't smell or my skin when I start to take them, like garlic tablets do to your breath. We shall see. I'll keep a report on my progress.
I wonder whether my face has changed so much from my brow lift that people are doing double takes? I dunno. L has stopped staring at me though I notice now she's doing things to bring attention to herself like buying new ear-rings etc ... what's happening? Does she like how I look and wants to make herself look nice to compete with me? I really don't know nor understand. My look is simple and plain and I'm not trying to bring any attention to myself - quite the opposite in fact.
I'm having dinner with one of my closest friends of 25 years next week who hasn't seen me since Oct/Nov last year and who doesn't know I've had surgery in Dec. He'll be a great test to see if he notices my hair / look etc. Then again he thought I looked good after my surgery with the butcher doctor. (grins). I'm not sure how much he'll notice as he's a guy. We'll see.
I had dinner with mom tonite and she didn't say a word about my hair nor did she stare too much this time. We were watching a cosmetic programme at the time and mom didn't use the opportunity to mention my hair - you'd think she would if she thought my hair was a wig. I started deliberately talking about how people are doing double takes at me and mom smiled and thought that was nice. Hmmm, I was trying to instigate her to say something about my hair if she thought it was a wig and she didn't say a word - mom is usually very opinionated and will say so .... so I must have passed there.
I'm just confused. Today was a rough day wig wise and self consciousness wise ... I need to build up my self esteem and confidence. I need to remind myself that Tyra Banks wears wigs all the time and has a high hairline and I've nothing to be ashamed about and even if people did think I was wearing a wig, so what?!
One thing I have noticed is that one other girl has started to wear fake hair on her ponytail (which makes me wonder) and another girl has been wearing her hair down long more than usual and has been staring at my hair when she passes me. So people are noticing my hair though I don't know what they're thinking - arrrrrrghhh!
Back to my recovery - my forehead feels fine - still feels like I have botox but I'm fine with that. The wooden head feeling is less than before. No itchiness (just mild scratch on the side every now and then under my hair) and no nerve tweaks in the scalp. Fairly normal otherwise. My eyes feel ok though today I napped during my lunchtime and had secondary tearing and my eyes got all red (urgh)l.
Still hate the crinkle on my left upper eyelid and I'm feeling a complex come up about that in that I want to hide that eye especially as with the lower left eyelid droop, it makes it look just worst than it is. I really wish July would hurry up and arrive already.
I've lost count now how many people have stared at the top of my head or at the side of my head / hair and how many people have done double takes. NS today did a double take in that he was talking to the others in the desks in front of me and then I caught him doing a double take and staring at me and I'm thinking, what the heck is he looking at? Do I really look that bad? Or is it that I look better now and if that's the case did I really look that horrible before - though if I did look good why on earth would he do a double take? I don't understand.
Why are people looking at the top of my head/hair? I've started to scruffle it up a bit today to make it look scruffy and more natural looking, hoping that'll help and have changed the parting a little. Geez the next 5 months of wearing this wig is going to be a learning curve for me.
My Nourkrin tablets arrived today and a few had broken out of the capsule and oh ergh, they stank!! I hope my breath doesn't smell or my skin when I start to take them, like garlic tablets do to your breath. We shall see. I'll keep a report on my progress.
I wonder whether my face has changed so much from my brow lift that people are doing double takes? I dunno. L has stopped staring at me though I notice now she's doing things to bring attention to herself like buying new ear-rings etc ... what's happening? Does she like how I look and wants to make herself look nice to compete with me? I really don't know nor understand. My look is simple and plain and I'm not trying to bring any attention to myself - quite the opposite in fact.
I'm having dinner with one of my closest friends of 25 years next week who hasn't seen me since Oct/Nov last year and who doesn't know I've had surgery in Dec. He'll be a great test to see if he notices my hair / look etc. Then again he thought I looked good after my surgery with the butcher doctor. (grins). I'm not sure how much he'll notice as he's a guy. We'll see.
I had dinner with mom tonite and she didn't say a word about my hair nor did she stare too much this time. We were watching a cosmetic programme at the time and mom didn't use the opportunity to mention my hair - you'd think she would if she thought my hair was a wig. I started deliberately talking about how people are doing double takes at me and mom smiled and thought that was nice. Hmmm, I was trying to instigate her to say something about my hair if she thought it was a wig and she didn't say a word - mom is usually very opinionated and will say so .... so I must have passed there.
I'm just confused. Today was a rough day wig wise and self consciousness wise ... I need to build up my self esteem and confidence. I need to remind myself that Tyra Banks wears wigs all the time and has a high hairline and I've nothing to be ashamed about and even if people did think I was wearing a wig, so what?!
One thing I have noticed is that one other girl has started to wear fake hair on her ponytail (which makes me wonder) and another girl has been wearing her hair down long more than usual and has been staring at my hair when she passes me. So people are noticing my hair though I don't know what they're thinking - arrrrrrghhh!
Back to my recovery - my forehead feels fine - still feels like I have botox but I'm fine with that. The wooden head feeling is less than before. No itchiness (just mild scratch on the side every now and then under my hair) and no nerve tweaks in the scalp. Fairly normal otherwise. My eyes feel ok though today I napped during my lunchtime and had secondary tearing and my eyes got all red (urgh)l.
Still hate the crinkle on my left upper eyelid and I'm feeling a complex come up about that in that I want to hide that eye especially as with the lower left eyelid droop, it makes it look just worst than it is. I really wish July would hurry up and arrive already.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Day 50 post surgery : Week 7 - Tues 24 Jan 06
Woke feeling fed up this morning. Fed up of seeing the crinkle in my upper left eyelid and the droop in my lower left eyelid and seeing both eyes look different shapes; and also seeing my left upper eyelash not curl properly in the mornings when I use mascara and seeing it droop later in the afternoon. What happened?? My uppers looked great after surgery - I guess it was all that swelling - and now the swelling has gone down, the fat loss in upper eyelid (left) is becoming obvious. I don't think it's going to heal much in the next 6 months though if it does, I'll certainly be happy - I'm keeping an open mind as stranger things have happened.
Also am feeling fed up with my left eye looking sleepy and smaller than my right eye. I do hope that all this can be fixed on my next surgery in July and that we do not need a third as I just don't have the money and geez my credit limit is reaching the sky and above.
Perhaps it's cos my period is due that my hormones are all over the place and I'm feeling slightly on edge - dunno.
L is still staring at me at work on and off and I feel annoyed by it as she's trying to catch me out. So what if I am wearing a wig? I loved it the other day when GG said to her that she was opinionated (chuckles). I hope I wasn't like that when I was 26 years old. Life to me in my forties is certainly strange, as one is older and wiser with hindsight, especially with my spiritual studies of metaphysics over the past almost 20 years.
I washed my wig over the weekend and it's feeling softer and smoother, more like my own hair, though as it's still much thicker, I suspect a fair amount of people in the office are curious as to why my hair looks so different and are wondering if it's a wig or extensions etc. They are slowly beginning to get used to it though. Just think, I've got another 5 months of wearing this wig and it's only been a month. I wonder if I'll stop wearing the wig sooner than the 5 months and if I'll make the end of the 5 months. At the end of 5 months will be my surgery. I haven't wished the year would pass so fast as I do this year! I'm burying myself deep in my work and working long hours mainly to get some money by doing the overtime and also to keep busy.
Also am feeling fed up with my left eye looking sleepy and smaller than my right eye. I do hope that all this can be fixed on my next surgery in July and that we do not need a third as I just don't have the money and geez my credit limit is reaching the sky and above.
Perhaps it's cos my period is due that my hormones are all over the place and I'm feeling slightly on edge - dunno.
L is still staring at me at work on and off and I feel annoyed by it as she's trying to catch me out. So what if I am wearing a wig? I loved it the other day when GG said to her that she was opinionated (chuckles). I hope I wasn't like that when I was 26 years old. Life to me in my forties is certainly strange, as one is older and wiser with hindsight, especially with my spiritual studies of metaphysics over the past almost 20 years.
I washed my wig over the weekend and it's feeling softer and smoother, more like my own hair, though as it's still much thicker, I suspect a fair amount of people in the office are curious as to why my hair looks so different and are wondering if it's a wig or extensions etc. They are slowly beginning to get used to it though. Just think, I've got another 5 months of wearing this wig and it's only been a month. I wonder if I'll stop wearing the wig sooner than the 5 months and if I'll make the end of the 5 months. At the end of 5 months will be my surgery. I haven't wished the year would pass so fast as I do this year! I'm burying myself deep in my work and working long hours mainly to get some money by doing the overtime and also to keep busy.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
6 week post surgery before & after pixs (Jan 06)
Pix taken 14 Dec 05 - a week post surgery
Pix taken 19 Jan 06 - 6 weeks post surgery - eyes do not shut - lagophthalmos of right 2mm and 4mm on left
Before brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction surgery - pix taken Nov 2005
Pix taken 19 Jan 2006 - 6 weeks post surgery - Y-V endo brow lift, bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction, upper left eyelash ptosis repair and upper right eyelid ptosis repair
Day 48 (7 week) post surgery : Sun 22 Jan 06
6 weeks post surgery - taken 21 Jan 06 - Y-V incision area - still has bald patch.
Taken 19 Jan 06, 6 weeks post surgery - the left upper eyelid has a crinkly look due to too much fat being removed from original bleph by butcher surgeon in Dec 04.
I have been somewhat busy and haven't had time to post.
This whole week the other assistant in the team has spent a lot of time staring at me and it really bothers me as it's given me a complex, thinking that geez my hair is out of place or I look horrible etc even though she has been giving me lots of compliments ie like I look good, she likes my hair colour, my face looks fatter etc - though she did question why my hair looked different to which I replied my hair condition had changed cos of the steriods I'd been on.
I'm not sure if she's staring cos she's admiring me and/or if she's trying to figure out what's different about me just to satisfy her own curiousity and she's very inquisitive. My left lower eyelid still droops so if she thinks I've had plastic surgery then she'll be wondering hmm, how come I didn't fix my lower eyelid etc. I give up as I've no idea what's on her mind and what's she's thinking though wish she'd stop darn staring at me as I find it rude.
She'll continue to ask questions though I'm half prepared with answers ie "There'll be nothing more to be mysterious about if I answer your questions etc".
An assistant who's off on maternity leave is scheduled to return to our team on 1st March and L may need to leave our team. I do hope so as it'll stop all the questions and stares. The other assistant will mind her own business as she will just want to get on with her work. She may be curious but she'll be too polite to ask etc.
I washed my hair yesterday and blow dried it for the first time in weeks and it's looking good. The bald areas are still there though looking much better and my hairline isn't as high (whew) and I went to Bluewater with my hair down (normal hair and not the wig) and I felt ok; though I was wearing a winter hat to cover the bald patch; though I did center part my hair which covered up the bald patch.
Jane copied me in on a letter to my doctor which advised that my left upper eyelid has crinkly skin due to too much fat being removed from my original bleph from that butcher surgeon. She may consider doing some fat transfer during my lower bleph surgery in July. I had no idea that the original surgeon had removed fat in my uppers as he never mentioned this during the consult.
Jane also says "the eyelid shape is very good and the palpebral apertures asymmetrical because of the left lower lid sag. She does have lagophtalmos of right 2mm and left approx 4 mm but with a good Bell's phenomena".
I ordered Nourkrin yesterday and hope that in 4-8 weeks from now I'll start to see improvements in my thin hair and also the bald patches improving. Jane thinks it'll improve anyway on my own though as my hair is naturally fine, I'd like to add some volume and the hairdresser I saw the other day did recommend Nourkrin. I'm happy that the supplement which is from shark is natural and happy to experiment for 6 months to see what results I'll have. If Cheryl Baker can change her pony tail to fit a 5p piece to a 10p piece, I'll have some of that as my pony tail is about the same (smiles).
I've been looking at pictures of Tyra Banks on her website and noticing her wig styles and feel better about my own wig (whew). Tyra also has a high hairline and that makes me feel better too about mine though I'm not too keen on my thin hair; hence why taking Nourkrin. My hair is getting thicker as it is slowly recovering from the damage from the chemicals used to wash my hair during my brow lift. There is quite a difference in my hair quality now than a few weeks ago. My hair is still thin but it's much better. Whew.
I'm getting stares here and there from guys all over the place. B in the office was talking to me from across the room the other day and when he finished his sentence, he just stared at me like he was seeing something he'd never seen before. I thought he was noticing my wig was a wig and staring at my wig cos I couldn't imagine what else he'd be staring at, and that he was too polite to say anything.
I went to the canteen this week and as I walked up to the salad bar, a cute guy did a double take when he saw me and again I thought it was cos he noticed my wig was a wig and cringed inside and thought geez, did I do something wrong, is something in my wig showing and/or obvious etc? Thou if that was the case, surely everyone in the canteen would look at me funny? I dunno. Cos I feel so insecure inside it's hard to imagine these guys are looking at me cos I look good.
The other day I was walking to the Mall (at work) and when I passed a cute guy who was smoking with another, he too did a double take and I again thought the same thing ie arrgh, my wig is obvious and he's looking at my wig and thinking errgh what a silly girl to wear a wig. The wind was blowing my hair and I thought my fringe area of the wig was showing (as the wig hairline is very obvious to see that it's a wig). I couldn't fathom he was looking at me cos I look good again cos I don't feel it. (sighs).
If I do look good and these guys are doing double takes cos I look good, errr, I'm not sure ... that's hard to sink in right now cos my journey isn't over yet. It's easier for me to think they're looking at my wig and curious as to why someone like me would wear a wig and doing double takes cos of that.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Day 44 post surgery : Weds 18 Jan 2006
I had my 6 week post surgery follow up consult with Jane Olver today http://www.oculoplastics.co.uk.
She had a student doctor I think, who sat in with us, which was fine with me. I was a few mins early and just as I was about to sit down, Jane came out and asked me in. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good. I couldn't wait to tell her that I had a wig on and she said she had no idea! She said it looked great. I told her why I was wearing the wig and that I wasn't comfortable showing my hair in the condition that it currently is in; and until it heals I will continue to wear the wig. She said in about 6 weeks or so my hair should almost be back to normal; and said that she'd had to pull some hair out to make the incisions etc.
Jane and I went through how I was doing and I mentioned that my left upper eyelid didn't seem to be healing as fast as the right eye, that it had a bit of skin folded in half (or something like that - I don't really know how to explain it) in the upper eyelid crease - probably it's referred to as a little excess skin(?) - I'm not sure. I also mentioned that my left upper eyelashes didn't seem to curl still as much as the right upper eyelashes which took seconds and the left upper eyelashes needed lots of attempts and even then the quality isn't great and sometimes by the end of the day the curl is lost and flat. I also mentioned that my left eye just seemed to heal at a slower rate as the, geez, I'm not sure what it's called ... the area between eye and crease was higher in the left than the right upper eyelid.
When Jane examined me, she agreed with me ie re the skin fold in the upper eyelid crease, and the length of eyelid crease not being the same and eyelash etc and if I recall correctly think she said this is something we can address when I have my next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and also the Coleman fat transfer (she's now thinking of doing the Coleman fat transfer instead of fat repositioning).
I asked if July would be a good time to have the lower eyelid reconstruction and Jane agreed (yeah!). She also agreed that we would do the Coleman fat transfer together at the same time as the lower eyelid reconstruction (whew) which is a relief as BUPA will pay for 3/4 of the lower eyelid surgery and about 1/8 of the Coleman fat transfer though all of the hospital costs, which would save me money.
I asked if the fat transfer, like Isolagen, needs a few injections; and Jane replied that she tries to get it right the first time as she has no storage facilities for the fat. I'm not sure if that makes the surgery cheaper than for those who have to return 2-3 times. I'm also not sure how the fat will look all bunched up and how long it'll take to return to normal etc. Guys from MMH, any thoughts on this, from your experience?
Jane was asking about my dry eyes and was asking how they were; and suggested having eye plugs to help with the dry eyes. I said yes as I've suffered from dry eyes for so long - it would certainly help with not having to use artificial tears every 3 hours or so. We agreed on a date of 21st February to have the eye plugs put in at the eye hospital; under local anaesthesia and sedation if needed.
I asked if BUPA would pay for the plugs and Jane said yes and gave me the codes. The procedure will cost about £350.
We also talked about my hair and Jane showed the 'student doctor' my incision marks and for me it was good that she was taking time to explain things to the student doctor as I got to spend more time with her and she answered my questions in more detail than she usually does (or so I felt). Jane said that in 6 weeks or so my hair should grow and I could wear it normally though I wasn't sure. I said I was going to the hairdressers nearby that deals with hair extensions for hair loss etc and would see how it goes. She asked me to try and use my natural hair when I saw her next as I'd be able to wear my hair as normal by then - I said I'll see how it goes :)
Jane mentioned my lower eyelid droop and said she'd need to pull that up during the lower eyelid reconstruction. I asked if we could finally get rid of my lump and she said we'll see and will talk about that at my next consult when I return after she's put in my eye plugs, which would be in March.
I spent some time talking to Jane's assistant after who was interested in seeing some before and after pictures of me and who was also admiring my wig and said it looked great. She saw me walk into her office with the wig off and then saw me put it on and liked it :).
Anyway, trying to keep this short, I then went to Mark Glenn's hairdressing shop in Mayfair and met with Mark himself. The upstairs was a bit noisy and we went downstairs for a chat. I took off my wig and told him about my brow lift and what I wanted ie more volume and to hide the thinning patches. Oh by the way after 3 weeks of wearing my wig and having the assistant return and scrutinise my every move etc, I felt I couldn't wear a wig anymore as everyone knew and thought perhaps having extensions would help, hence why making an appt as I was in the area.
Mark told me straight away that my hair (sniffles) wasn't suitable for his hair loss programme and/or extensions as extensions only suited the back of the head to make hair long and wasn't suitable for the top of the head which is where I needed it to hide the bald patches. He said that his hair loss programme involved use of a mesh and was more suitable for women with large bald patches or no hair and not for someone like me who already had hair as it would work out way too expensive for me and he told me to save my money and stick to what I was already using ie the wig. I was heartbroken (sniffles). I couldn't believe that even if I wanted to add volume to my hair that it wouldn't work as it'd only affect the back and not the top.
He told me to just show my natural hair as it was fine and to use some powder he could provide which would camouflage the bald patches. I looked at the ingredients and wasn't too keen on them and we agreed that I probably would have a skin reaction to the ingredients which he agreed wasn't worth the aggrevation ie using the powder if I was to suffer a skin reaction etc. I'd be better off wearing the wig. He said his ex wife had had 3 or 4 brow lifts and her hairline had increased to a crazy high position which looked silly. He told me to not have any more brow lifts as my hair line had raised fairly high though as it was it was ok right now but not to have anymore.
He did say that if I wanted to lower my hairline he couldn't help and I'd need hair grafts or stuff like that (yikes)!!! That takes like a year to grow ... eek! I've seen it on tv and it's tough going! On the way back home I saw an advert for thinning hair (which Mark Glen also recommended, though said took a few months to take effect) ie Nourkin tablets. http://www.nourkrin.co.uk/nourkrin_hair_loss.asp. Anyone used them? I'll research them a bit more especially the ingredients. I definitely wouldn't use their hair products as they contain parabens which affect a woman's estrogen etc .... (too lengthy to explain in detail about parabens as it's a whole different subject).
I was devasted though I was grateful to Mark Glen for being straight up and saving me lots of money, which I'd need for my lower eyelid reconstruction and my coleman fat transfer. 6 months isn't a long time to save up for another surgery as this one in December alone will take me a few years to pay off (whew).
I thanked Mark Glen for his honesty and walked back to the tube station with much to think about, ie having to save up for the next surgery in 6 months, how much it'll all cost, how I'll manage it, what to do about my hair as cos of L, I'm feeling very self conscious about my hair as she stares at me all the time, trying to suss out what's different about me and she's going to keep asking questions all the time and not let up until she feels she's gotten the secret as to what's different about me. (sighs).
I was doing great until she came back to work ... (sighs). I feel I've been knocked down a few steps and have to brush myself off and figure out how to proceed next as my confidence has taken a tumble.
I'm sure there's more to share though I've run out of time .... it'd be great if I had a selection of a few more wigs ie with wigs almost the same style that had the hair put up etc so I could go into work with different hairstyles etc.
Dry eyes
She had a student doctor I think, who sat in with us, which was fine with me. I was a few mins early and just as I was about to sit down, Jane came out and asked me in. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good. I couldn't wait to tell her that I had a wig on and she said she had no idea! She said it looked great. I told her why I was wearing the wig and that I wasn't comfortable showing my hair in the condition that it currently is in; and until it heals I will continue to wear the wig. She said in about 6 weeks or so my hair should almost be back to normal; and said that she'd had to pull some hair out to make the incisions etc.
Jane and I went through how I was doing and I mentioned that my left upper eyelid didn't seem to be healing as fast as the right eye, that it had a bit of skin folded in half (or something like that - I don't really know how to explain it) in the upper eyelid crease - probably it's referred to as a little excess skin(?) - I'm not sure. I also mentioned that my left upper eyelashes didn't seem to curl still as much as the right upper eyelashes which took seconds and the left upper eyelashes needed lots of attempts and even then the quality isn't great and sometimes by the end of the day the curl is lost and flat. I also mentioned that my left eye just seemed to heal at a slower rate as the, geez, I'm not sure what it's called ... the area between eye and crease was higher in the left than the right upper eyelid.
When Jane examined me, she agreed with me ie re the skin fold in the upper eyelid crease, and the length of eyelid crease not being the same and eyelash etc and if I recall correctly think she said this is something we can address when I have my next surgery ie lower eyelid reconstruction and also the Coleman fat transfer (she's now thinking of doing the Coleman fat transfer instead of fat repositioning).
I asked if July would be a good time to have the lower eyelid reconstruction and Jane agreed (yeah!). She also agreed that we would do the Coleman fat transfer together at the same time as the lower eyelid reconstruction (whew) which is a relief as BUPA will pay for 3/4 of the lower eyelid surgery and about 1/8 of the Coleman fat transfer though all of the hospital costs, which would save me money.
I asked if the fat transfer, like Isolagen, needs a few injections; and Jane replied that she tries to get it right the first time as she has no storage facilities for the fat. I'm not sure if that makes the surgery cheaper than for those who have to return 2-3 times. I'm also not sure how the fat will look all bunched up and how long it'll take to return to normal etc. Guys from MMH, any thoughts on this, from your experience?
Jane was asking about my dry eyes and was asking how they were; and suggested having eye plugs to help with the dry eyes. I said yes as I've suffered from dry eyes for so long - it would certainly help with not having to use artificial tears every 3 hours or so. We agreed on a date of 21st February to have the eye plugs put in at the eye hospital; under local anaesthesia and sedation if needed.
I asked if BUPA would pay for the plugs and Jane said yes and gave me the codes. The procedure will cost about £350.
We also talked about my hair and Jane showed the 'student doctor' my incision marks and for me it was good that she was taking time to explain things to the student doctor as I got to spend more time with her and she answered my questions in more detail than she usually does (or so I felt). Jane said that in 6 weeks or so my hair should grow and I could wear it normally though I wasn't sure. I said I was going to the hairdressers nearby that deals with hair extensions for hair loss etc and would see how it goes. She asked me to try and use my natural hair when I saw her next as I'd be able to wear my hair as normal by then - I said I'll see how it goes :)
Jane mentioned my lower eyelid droop and said she'd need to pull that up during the lower eyelid reconstruction. I asked if we could finally get rid of my lump and she said we'll see and will talk about that at my next consult when I return after she's put in my eye plugs, which would be in March.
I spent some time talking to Jane's assistant after who was interested in seeing some before and after pictures of me and who was also admiring my wig and said it looked great. She saw me walk into her office with the wig off and then saw me put it on and liked it :).
Anyway, trying to keep this short, I then went to Mark Glenn's hairdressing shop in Mayfair and met with Mark himself. The upstairs was a bit noisy and we went downstairs for a chat. I took off my wig and told him about my brow lift and what I wanted ie more volume and to hide the thinning patches. Oh by the way after 3 weeks of wearing my wig and having the assistant return and scrutinise my every move etc, I felt I couldn't wear a wig anymore as everyone knew and thought perhaps having extensions would help, hence why making an appt as I was in the area.
Mark told me straight away that my hair (sniffles) wasn't suitable for his hair loss programme and/or extensions as extensions only suited the back of the head to make hair long and wasn't suitable for the top of the head which is where I needed it to hide the bald patches. He said that his hair loss programme involved use of a mesh and was more suitable for women with large bald patches or no hair and not for someone like me who already had hair as it would work out way too expensive for me and he told me to save my money and stick to what I was already using ie the wig. I was heartbroken (sniffles). I couldn't believe that even if I wanted to add volume to my hair that it wouldn't work as it'd only affect the back and not the top.
He told me to just show my natural hair as it was fine and to use some powder he could provide which would camouflage the bald patches. I looked at the ingredients and wasn't too keen on them and we agreed that I probably would have a skin reaction to the ingredients which he agreed wasn't worth the aggrevation ie using the powder if I was to suffer a skin reaction etc. I'd be better off wearing the wig. He said his ex wife had had 3 or 4 brow lifts and her hairline had increased to a crazy high position which looked silly. He told me to not have any more brow lifts as my hair line had raised fairly high though as it was it was ok right now but not to have anymore.
He did say that if I wanted to lower my hairline he couldn't help and I'd need hair grafts or stuff like that (yikes)!!! That takes like a year to grow ... eek! I've seen it on tv and it's tough going! On the way back home I saw an advert for thinning hair (which Mark Glen also recommended, though said took a few months to take effect) ie Nourkin tablets. http://www.nourkrin.co.uk/nourkrin_hair_loss.asp. Anyone used them? I'll research them a bit more especially the ingredients. I definitely wouldn't use their hair products as they contain parabens which affect a woman's estrogen etc .... (too lengthy to explain in detail about parabens as it's a whole different subject).
I was devasted though I was grateful to Mark Glen for being straight up and saving me lots of money, which I'd need for my lower eyelid reconstruction and my coleman fat transfer. 6 months isn't a long time to save up for another surgery as this one in December alone will take me a few years to pay off (whew).
I thanked Mark Glen for his honesty and walked back to the tube station with much to think about, ie having to save up for the next surgery in 6 months, how much it'll all cost, how I'll manage it, what to do about my hair as cos of L, I'm feeling very self conscious about my hair as she stares at me all the time, trying to suss out what's different about me and she's going to keep asking questions all the time and not let up until she feels she's gotten the secret as to what's different about me. (sighs).
I was doing great until she came back to work ... (sighs). I feel I've been knocked down a few steps and have to brush myself off and figure out how to proceed next as my confidence has taken a tumble.
I'm sure there's more to share though I've run out of time .... it'd be great if I had a selection of a few more wigs ie with wigs almost the same style that had the hair put up etc so I could go into work with different hairstyles etc.
Dry eyes
Monday, January 16, 2006
Day 42 post surgery : Mon 16 Jan 2006
What a day today. L was back from her 3 week hol in India and I hadn't seen her for 6 weeks, since my surgery on 5th Dec 05.
She noticed my hair first off and started to ask how my surgery went ~~ everyone else starts to talk about my hair first and while she did, she only lingered on my hair for a second and started to ask questions about surgery which I tried to avoid by just saying fine and asked how her hols went. She sure is inquisitive.
Throughout the day she kept asking questions every now and then while she looked at me (she sits opposite me) and asked at one point if my hair had grown ~~ and there's me thinking geez, my wig hair is a little longer than my own hair and darn, she must still be staring at me and wondering or trying to put her finger on what is different. I just replied, with a straight face and not flinching (which I normally would do) and said my hair was the same and that it just looked different cos of the steroids I was on. She accepted that.
Then later in the day she commented on how good I looked, when we were talking about my nausea and how I was feeling as I said while I may look normal on the outside, I felt ikky on the inside. She said I looked good and that it must be the hair as there was something different. She didn't mention my eyes were different (smiles) which tickled me cos it is great if she thinks my eyes are normal!!
It basically felt like a whole day being under her scrutiny which was very draining especially as there's tension between me and the other assistant in the team, who I feel very frustrated at for many reasons, and since Friday. I feel she's like the Geisha in Memoirs of a Geisha who follows Sayuta everywhere causing chaos and trying to ruin her reputation ~~ this is how I feel R is with me as whatever I say or do, she has an answer for or tries to overturn what I say or put it down ~~ so much so I just try to drown her out of me every day by plugging into my Ipod at work, which my boss doesn't like so much cos I'm distracted by that and got caught out by it today when I answered the phone with a wrong boss's name (woops). Empty vessels make the most noise as R is extremely loud and attention seeking and yet deep down I sense she's a lonely girl who is seeking someone's approval (based from childhood) and being loud and noisy is the only way she knows how to get attention and she's in pattern mode when she tries to outweigh all that I say ~~ she does this to others so I know it's not personal though I do sense she feels threatened by me as her tone of voice changes when she talks to L as when she talks to me. I should feel sorry for her instead of feeling bullied (of sorts). After all I am the one with many "tools" to use.
Back to my hair and eyes, another banker in the team returned whom I hadn't seen for 6 weeks and he stared at me for the longest time and commented on my hair and asked about my eyes and I managed again to keep a straight face and answer his questions. He didn't stare at my eyes - just asked if this was the last operation - I said I didn't know - though realistically I cannot take any more time off on medical leave for any more operations as everyone is going to get suspicious so I'll have to take my lower eyelid surgery as personal holiday. As it was last year I had some 7-8 weeks off as medical leave which is a lot. I wouldn't want to jeopardise any bonus this year (2006).
I felt very self conscious about my wig today thinking everyone could tell it was a wig. L said that my hair looked great which is probably why I looked good as the colour was great etc. What? I felt my wig looked terrible today and it was like I hadn't washed my hair for ages as it felt all greasy and out of shape and like it had seen it's last days and that got me worried that my wig was already on its last legs and needed replacing and I thought noooooooo!!!
I would so love to be able to have hair extensions right now so I no longer have to wear a wig though I really can't afford £500-£1000 and besides it'd be way too obvious if I went back to work with a different hair colour and no bangs/fringe and shorter hair! Only by an inch or so. I'm in a dilemna though I'm sure it'll all get sorted out soon and/or settle down at work. That's it now, no more people returning from x'mas hols though there are still the odd one or two that I will bump into at work, one in particular though as they don't see me everyday it shouldn't make a difference and they probably won't be able to tell.
L was one of the hardest, which I knew she'd be, as she's very inquisitive for a 26 year old and also very observant. She'll be scrutinising me and every move I make and watching my hair and eyes over the next few days/weeks and won't let up. While that would be mighty uncomfortable, I think she'll be no longer working for us in about 4 weeks or so as she's only a temp who's covering for someone's maternity leave, and if they do let her go, that'll be a relief for me in many ways to no longer have anyone watching my every move and look.
She noticed my hair first off and started to ask how my surgery went ~~ everyone else starts to talk about my hair first and while she did, she only lingered on my hair for a second and started to ask questions about surgery which I tried to avoid by just saying fine and asked how her hols went. She sure is inquisitive.
Throughout the day she kept asking questions every now and then while she looked at me (she sits opposite me) and asked at one point if my hair had grown ~~ and there's me thinking geez, my wig hair is a little longer than my own hair and darn, she must still be staring at me and wondering or trying to put her finger on what is different. I just replied, with a straight face and not flinching (which I normally would do) and said my hair was the same and that it just looked different cos of the steroids I was on. She accepted that.
Then later in the day she commented on how good I looked, when we were talking about my nausea and how I was feeling as I said while I may look normal on the outside, I felt ikky on the inside. She said I looked good and that it must be the hair as there was something different. She didn't mention my eyes were different (smiles) which tickled me cos it is great if she thinks my eyes are normal!!
It basically felt like a whole day being under her scrutiny which was very draining especially as there's tension between me and the other assistant in the team, who I feel very frustrated at for many reasons, and since Friday. I feel she's like the Geisha in Memoirs of a Geisha who follows Sayuta everywhere causing chaos and trying to ruin her reputation ~~ this is how I feel R is with me as whatever I say or do, she has an answer for or tries to overturn what I say or put it down ~~ so much so I just try to drown her out of me every day by plugging into my Ipod at work, which my boss doesn't like so much cos I'm distracted by that and got caught out by it today when I answered the phone with a wrong boss's name (woops). Empty vessels make the most noise as R is extremely loud and attention seeking and yet deep down I sense she's a lonely girl who is seeking someone's approval (based from childhood) and being loud and noisy is the only way she knows how to get attention and she's in pattern mode when she tries to outweigh all that I say ~~ she does this to others so I know it's not personal though I do sense she feels threatened by me as her tone of voice changes when she talks to L as when she talks to me. I should feel sorry for her instead of feeling bullied (of sorts). After all I am the one with many "tools" to use.
Back to my hair and eyes, another banker in the team returned whom I hadn't seen for 6 weeks and he stared at me for the longest time and commented on my hair and asked about my eyes and I managed again to keep a straight face and answer his questions. He didn't stare at my eyes - just asked if this was the last operation - I said I didn't know - though realistically I cannot take any more time off on medical leave for any more operations as everyone is going to get suspicious so I'll have to take my lower eyelid surgery as personal holiday. As it was last year I had some 7-8 weeks off as medical leave which is a lot. I wouldn't want to jeopardise any bonus this year (2006).
I felt very self conscious about my wig today thinking everyone could tell it was a wig. L said that my hair looked great which is probably why I looked good as the colour was great etc. What? I felt my wig looked terrible today and it was like I hadn't washed my hair for ages as it felt all greasy and out of shape and like it had seen it's last days and that got me worried that my wig was already on its last legs and needed replacing and I thought noooooooo!!!
I would so love to be able to have hair extensions right now so I no longer have to wear a wig though I really can't afford £500-£1000 and besides it'd be way too obvious if I went back to work with a different hair colour and no bangs/fringe and shorter hair! Only by an inch or so. I'm in a dilemna though I'm sure it'll all get sorted out soon and/or settle down at work. That's it now, no more people returning from x'mas hols though there are still the odd one or two that I will bump into at work, one in particular though as they don't see me everyday it shouldn't make a difference and they probably won't be able to tell.
L was one of the hardest, which I knew she'd be, as she's very inquisitive for a 26 year old and also very observant. She'll be scrutinising me and every move I make and watching my hair and eyes over the next few days/weeks and won't let up. While that would be mighty uncomfortable, I think she'll be no longer working for us in about 4 weeks or so as she's only a temp who's covering for someone's maternity leave, and if they do let her go, that'll be a relief for me in many ways to no longer have anyone watching my every move and look.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Day 41 post surgery : Sun 18 Jan 2006
Noticeable changes are now slowing down, which is the norm, in my eyes and brow.
At work, more people are bumping into me and looking straight at the hair which everyone seems to like, and it looks like mine, and I'm getting only positive comments about how it's wonderful to see my hair down instead of up (it used to be up cos I hadn't the time to wash it everyday and would only wear it down once a week approx). It was time consuming to wash and straighten my hair in the mornings which would take 20 mins or so of my time.
The wig is a safety net as I feel I can hide behind it safely while my head and eyes heal. My incision scars are still very noticeable and my hair is still thinned in the incision areas (sighs). I'm hoping in another 6 weeks' time, there's be some hair growth and some form of returning to normality as it'd then be 3 months post surgery. That'd be around the beginning of March 2006. I feel I have more confidence and can smile and look people straight in the eyes when they talk to me, whereas before after a few secs, I'd look away as I'd feel self conscious and/or cos they'd feel self conscious as they'd be looking at my left eye bump and lower eyelid retraction and rubbing/flicking away at their own eye. That hasn't happened at all thankfully and no one seemingly has looked into my eyes, none that I can tell, as I look natural (within reason).
Maybe the odd one or two suspect plastic surgery and/or a wig, like I do with one of the girls in the office, but I personally let it go and think if she has had chemo etc, I hope she heals soon and well.
Two more are back in the office tomorrow, one of the other secs and one banker who sits behind me. He just had a baby girl and hopefully his attention will be elsewhere rather than me. Now that Celebrity Big Brother is on, the girls' attention seems to be on gossiping about the celebrities which is great as it takes away the focus thankfully from me. I do feel frustrated by their constant chatter ... though that's part and parcel of working in an open plan.
I watched Memoirs of a Geisha on Friday and that movie certainly left me feel inspired afterwards :). It's a movie which gives hope amidst the struggles of life.
I do wish at times I could have the extensions already so that I don't have to wear the wig; though I can't afford it right now and it'd be too drastic a change to have others see me wearing a wig which is burgundy in colour with highlights and a fringe and then all of a sudden seeing me with extensions ... though I may try to imitate the wig as much as I can including having a fringe as I understand that a fringe is possible using that hair saloon which specialises in hair extensions and hair loss.
Have taken pictures and will post them shortly. It'll be my 6 week mark tomorrow 19th Jan 06.
At work, more people are bumping into me and looking straight at the hair which everyone seems to like, and it looks like mine, and I'm getting only positive comments about how it's wonderful to see my hair down instead of up (it used to be up cos I hadn't the time to wash it everyday and would only wear it down once a week approx). It was time consuming to wash and straighten my hair in the mornings which would take 20 mins or so of my time.
The wig is a safety net as I feel I can hide behind it safely while my head and eyes heal. My incision scars are still very noticeable and my hair is still thinned in the incision areas (sighs). I'm hoping in another 6 weeks' time, there's be some hair growth and some form of returning to normality as it'd then be 3 months post surgery. That'd be around the beginning of March 2006. I feel I have more confidence and can smile and look people straight in the eyes when they talk to me, whereas before after a few secs, I'd look away as I'd feel self conscious and/or cos they'd feel self conscious as they'd be looking at my left eye bump and lower eyelid retraction and rubbing/flicking away at their own eye. That hasn't happened at all thankfully and no one seemingly has looked into my eyes, none that I can tell, as I look natural (within reason).
Maybe the odd one or two suspect plastic surgery and/or a wig, like I do with one of the girls in the office, but I personally let it go and think if she has had chemo etc, I hope she heals soon and well.
Two more are back in the office tomorrow, one of the other secs and one banker who sits behind me. He just had a baby girl and hopefully his attention will be elsewhere rather than me. Now that Celebrity Big Brother is on, the girls' attention seems to be on gossiping about the celebrities which is great as it takes away the focus thankfully from me. I do feel frustrated by their constant chatter ... though that's part and parcel of working in an open plan.
I watched Memoirs of a Geisha on Friday and that movie certainly left me feel inspired afterwards :). It's a movie which gives hope amidst the struggles of life.
I do wish at times I could have the extensions already so that I don't have to wear the wig; though I can't afford it right now and it'd be too drastic a change to have others see me wearing a wig which is burgundy in colour with highlights and a fringe and then all of a sudden seeing me with extensions ... though I may try to imitate the wig as much as I can including having a fringe as I understand that a fringe is possible using that hair saloon which specialises in hair extensions and hair loss.
Have taken pictures and will post them shortly. It'll be my 6 week mark tomorrow 19th Jan 06.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Day 37 post surgery : Weds 11th Jan 2006
I'm still getting double looks on my hair (thankfully none on my eyes) and some comments that I look like a completely different person (then again I saw one guy today who'd cut his hair really short and he looked completely different) so it's fairly norm I guess. I'm very thankful for my wig and that it looks very much like my own hair; though I'm wishing my own hair would hurry up and heal itself and grow back properly. I can't wait to get my hair extensions in nearer June/July and to have my lowers done.
I'm still worried about my left upper eyelid in that now I'm finding the left upper eyelashes don't stay up as long as the right upper eyelashes - at the end of the day the left upper eyelashes flop whereas the right upper eyelashes are as bright as ever. There's also a little bit of excess skin on the left upper eyelid and the crease isn't the same as the right upper eyelid though it really is early days yet and it's too early to worry -- though I am only cos this just reminds me of what happened with the butcher surgeon last year and it's bringing back bad memories of an eye that looks half asleep. I look at myself in the mirror when I'm putting on my make up and my left eye now is beginning to look like it did before, ie droopy and sleepy and I'm having to make an effort to raise it, like before when it drooped. I'm just wondering whether I'm just noticing different things .... it's hard to tell. I'll need to look back at the video footage I've taken. I really do hope it's nothing as otherwise Jane will have to fix it -- hopefully during the lowers if it's a minor fix.
Head hurt today wearing the wig .... in some of the incision areas - or rather it was sore. Can't wait for my hair to grow back per normal and for me to be able to afford to have extensions put in to thicken my hair and perhaps have a fringe.
I didn't feel so well at work today. Just when I think I'd like to start working out again, whoosh, a wave of ikky feeling comes over me and I feel nauseaus. As I have low blood pressure, I need to take it easy and not overdo things. Bah, frustrating. Perhaps I'll start over the weekend.
I'm still worried about my left upper eyelid in that now I'm finding the left upper eyelashes don't stay up as long as the right upper eyelashes - at the end of the day the left upper eyelashes flop whereas the right upper eyelashes are as bright as ever. There's also a little bit of excess skin on the left upper eyelid and the crease isn't the same as the right upper eyelid though it really is early days yet and it's too early to worry -- though I am only cos this just reminds me of what happened with the butcher surgeon last year and it's bringing back bad memories of an eye that looks half asleep. I look at myself in the mirror when I'm putting on my make up and my left eye now is beginning to look like it did before, ie droopy and sleepy and I'm having to make an effort to raise it, like before when it drooped. I'm just wondering whether I'm just noticing different things .... it's hard to tell. I'll need to look back at the video footage I've taken. I really do hope it's nothing as otherwise Jane will have to fix it -- hopefully during the lowers if it's a minor fix.
Head hurt today wearing the wig .... in some of the incision areas - or rather it was sore. Can't wait for my hair to grow back per normal and for me to be able to afford to have extensions put in to thicken my hair and perhaps have a fringe.
I didn't feel so well at work today. Just when I think I'd like to start working out again, whoosh, a wave of ikky feeling comes over me and I feel nauseaus. As I have low blood pressure, I need to take it easy and not overdo things. Bah, frustrating. Perhaps I'll start over the weekend.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Day 36 post surgery : Tue 10th Jan 2006
Samo samo the past couple of days. A number of people who haven't seen me at work for a while bumped into me in the corridor or by the entrance to the building and comment on how my hair has grown and they like the style/colour etc and that's that. No comments about my eyes - yeah!!!!! They're all focused on my hair (smiles).
This is the second week back at work and one of my male bosses looks at me this afternoon when I'm in his office and said "Have you coloured your hair?". I'm one of those that find it difficult to lie though these past couple of weeks it's been fairly easy to say that my best friend's daughter is a hairdresser and gave me a new hairdo and colour as a Christmas present and smile and say I'm still getting used to the new hairstyle myself :). T liked it and was focusing on my hair and didn't even ask how my eyes went - though on his first day back last week he asked how my eyes were though hasn't looked at them since ie like before, I'd feel everyone was looking at my eyes and flicking at their own eyes in sympathy for my lump; though now, nothing .... this is such a relief and it allows me the time and space to heal from all the traumas of the past year. I'm so grateful for the space to be able to do this and I pray that my wig holds out for the next 6 months or so; and that I can have my lower eyelid reconstruction beginning of July, that's long enough I think, though I'm happy to have it sooner.
Left upper eyelid
The past couple of days or so I've been noticing my left upper eyelid isn't healing as fast as my right upper eyelid and isn't as open. I'm hoping this is just cos it's slow in healing and will catch up in due course as I'm only 5 weeks post surgery. I'm just nervous cos of all that happened with my first two surgeries with the butcher surgeon. It's nothing too serious to concern myself about - it's just a minor concern at the moment and I'm sure it'll catch up with the right eye in due course. I'll mention this to Jane when I see her next week, when it'll be my 6 week check up :) - yup that time already.
My brows feel tender still as does my forehead and my incisions are healing slowly but surely. My head is getting used to the wig though after 12 hours a day of wearing it, my head loves a nice massage afterwards :) My long hair is still suffering from chemical damage from the brow lift and that will probably take a few more weeks to heal from, like a bad perm. I'm due to have my hair coloured as my white roots are showing but I'm going to leave it for a while as no one will look at my roots for a while.
I'm still sleeping upright though towards the end of the night and closing on to the morning I start to get tired and slip down to a straight position. My eyesight is usually blurry when I wake and it takes me a few minutes to get myself together; though as mentioned the other day, the secondary tearing has thankfully stopped.
I did buy some TheraTears Gel to use at work though I don't think they're strong enough for my eyes, certainly not strong enough to use overnight as a lubricant.
I asked my sis in Singapore to seach for some Similisan homeopathic eye drops though don't think she can find them. I can't seem to find anywhere online that ships to the UK so far.
I'm still feeling run down and don't understand how those on the Makeover shows can have one surgery after the other with multiple procedures. Maybe it's my low blood pressure which makes me feel this way .. I wonder.
This is the second week back at work and one of my male bosses looks at me this afternoon when I'm in his office and said "Have you coloured your hair?". I'm one of those that find it difficult to lie though these past couple of weeks it's been fairly easy to say that my best friend's daughter is a hairdresser and gave me a new hairdo and colour as a Christmas present and smile and say I'm still getting used to the new hairstyle myself :). T liked it and was focusing on my hair and didn't even ask how my eyes went - though on his first day back last week he asked how my eyes were though hasn't looked at them since ie like before, I'd feel everyone was looking at my eyes and flicking at their own eyes in sympathy for my lump; though now, nothing .... this is such a relief and it allows me the time and space to heal from all the traumas of the past year. I'm so grateful for the space to be able to do this and I pray that my wig holds out for the next 6 months or so; and that I can have my lower eyelid reconstruction beginning of July, that's long enough I think, though I'm happy to have it sooner.
Left upper eyelid
The past couple of days or so I've been noticing my left upper eyelid isn't healing as fast as my right upper eyelid and isn't as open. I'm hoping this is just cos it's slow in healing and will catch up in due course as I'm only 5 weeks post surgery. I'm just nervous cos of all that happened with my first two surgeries with the butcher surgeon. It's nothing too serious to concern myself about - it's just a minor concern at the moment and I'm sure it'll catch up with the right eye in due course. I'll mention this to Jane when I see her next week, when it'll be my 6 week check up :) - yup that time already.
My brows feel tender still as does my forehead and my incisions are healing slowly but surely. My head is getting used to the wig though after 12 hours a day of wearing it, my head loves a nice massage afterwards :) My long hair is still suffering from chemical damage from the brow lift and that will probably take a few more weeks to heal from, like a bad perm. I'm due to have my hair coloured as my white roots are showing but I'm going to leave it for a while as no one will look at my roots for a while.
I'm still sleeping upright though towards the end of the night and closing on to the morning I start to get tired and slip down to a straight position. My eyesight is usually blurry when I wake and it takes me a few minutes to get myself together; though as mentioned the other day, the secondary tearing has thankfully stopped.
I did buy some TheraTears Gel to use at work though I don't think they're strong enough for my eyes, certainly not strong enough to use overnight as a lubricant.
I asked my sis in Singapore to seach for some Similisan homeopathic eye drops though don't think she can find them. I can't seem to find anywhere online that ships to the UK so far.
I'm still feeling run down and don't understand how those on the Makeover shows can have one surgery after the other with multiple procedures. Maybe it's my low blood pressure which makes me feel this way .. I wonder.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Hollows / lump : Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8 Jan 2006
Pix taken Day 34 post surgery (3rd surgery which is reconstructive surgery by an opthamalogist to correct 1st and 2nd surgery by a different plastic surgeon). Y-V endo brow lift with bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction, left upper eyelash ptosis repair and right upper eyelid ptosis repair. Original bleph journey can be read at http://indianaeyesheal.blogspot.com.
At times when I look at my lower eyelids, I want to scream at the lump that is still there as there are still loads of red incision lines even though he did the canthopexy on 7 July 2005, some 7 months ago. Butcher surgeon! My right left eyelid has hollows and is very obvious now that I've had this reconstructive surgery especially when I look sideways at myself adn look down.
The lump on the left lower eyelid is so very obvious though less obvious now that I've had the brow lift and upper eyelid surgery. I'm too angry to comment any further at this stage. I just wanted to journal this. (arrrgh).
Y-V incisions lines Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8 Jan 2006
This is the top of my head looking down with the Y-V incision lines re the Y-V endo brow lift I had 34 days ago on 5th Dec 2005. It's not a clear picture as it was tough for me to aim and shoot though the gist of it can be seen even if not totally clear. Taken without a flash as with flash all you can see is the flash light.
Day 34 post surgery : Sun 8th Jan 2006
I must make more of an effort to get 8-9 hours sleep a day during the working week to heal as currently I'm getting 6-7 in spite of trying (there's always something that needs taking care of) and on the weekends my body begs to catch up on the healing sleep needed.
Not too many changes happening of late and healing is now at a steady pace. My dry eyes are not as dry as they were in that I am no longer (touch wood) suffering from secondary tearing; though I do wake with blurry eyesight and eyes that feel dry; though they do not automatically tear while I sleep - that is when it gets really painful and uncomfortable. I think by about the fourth and a half week mark it started to get better and I can now tolerate more warmth in the house and can turn the central heating up at home.
At work, they gave me a convector heater which I use either under my desk or by the side of me and hot air rises up and this causes my eyes to dry out incredibly. I'm resorting to putting some water on the floor by the heater hoping this will help. I put a carrot out on my desk the other day and by the end of the day it has shrivelled up! I should try to invent something that I can hook directly to the heater and add water to it constantly so that the atmosphere is more moist and will help with my eyes. They do sell them though I'd rather invent something that won't get damaged by the heat.
My head feels fine, apart from feeling wooden, Y-V scars are still there. I was parting my hair the other day and could see the continuation of the Y-V incisions and will try to take a picture at some point and share here for the records. Thankfully no itchiness or energy bolts shooting across my head :)
It only takes one to throw a pebble into the water to cause a ripple and I feel the tension in MMH by the odd few who are inexperienced in life and know nothing else than to judge others; reactions of which are based on their own life experiences and how they've been treated and is learned behaviour from their parents. I'm not a practicising Christian though one verse that popped out at me was "Forgive them father, as they know not what they are doing or saying". Some mean well with the advice that they give, unsolicited as it is. Meditate, breathe and let it go.
My blog is for me to record my personal experience of my healing journey for me to reflect back on in times ahead of how far I've come; and hopefully it'll help some others out there, and it's also for me to catharthise as journalling is healing. Some from MMH seem to have browsed my blog, made hasty judgements or taken some personal insights from my sharings and decided to make their own judgements and criticisms. Forgive them father, for they know nought what they are doing/saying.
Not too many changes happening of late and healing is now at a steady pace. My dry eyes are not as dry as they were in that I am no longer (touch wood) suffering from secondary tearing; though I do wake with blurry eyesight and eyes that feel dry; though they do not automatically tear while I sleep - that is when it gets really painful and uncomfortable. I think by about the fourth and a half week mark it started to get better and I can now tolerate more warmth in the house and can turn the central heating up at home.
At work, they gave me a convector heater which I use either under my desk or by the side of me and hot air rises up and this causes my eyes to dry out incredibly. I'm resorting to putting some water on the floor by the heater hoping this will help. I put a carrot out on my desk the other day and by the end of the day it has shrivelled up! I should try to invent something that I can hook directly to the heater and add water to it constantly so that the atmosphere is more moist and will help with my eyes. They do sell them though I'd rather invent something that won't get damaged by the heat.
My head feels fine, apart from feeling wooden, Y-V scars are still there. I was parting my hair the other day and could see the continuation of the Y-V incisions and will try to take a picture at some point and share here for the records. Thankfully no itchiness or energy bolts shooting across my head :)
It only takes one to throw a pebble into the water to cause a ripple and I feel the tension in MMH by the odd few who are inexperienced in life and know nothing else than to judge others; reactions of which are based on their own life experiences and how they've been treated and is learned behaviour from their parents. I'm not a practicising Christian though one verse that popped out at me was "Forgive them father, as they know not what they are doing or saying". Some mean well with the advice that they give, unsolicited as it is. Meditate, breathe and let it go.
My blog is for me to record my personal experience of my healing journey for me to reflect back on in times ahead of how far I've come; and hopefully it'll help some others out there, and it's also for me to catharthise as journalling is healing. Some from MMH seem to have browsed my blog, made hasty judgements or taken some personal insights from my sharings and decided to make their own judgements and criticisms. Forgive them father, for they know nought what they are doing/saying.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Day 32 post surgery : Fri 6th Jan 06
A few more people returned to work yesterday and today and I had a few double takes ie to take in that I had a new hairstyle though no comments and just work per normal, which for me was great, as there was no unwanted attention on my eyes or my new look ie forehead and eyes (whew).
Big boss came back yesterday as well and he didn't even flinch or comment on my hair. That was great. About 3 more people haven't come back to work yet - one is due next week and the other two the week after; and I've yet to meet more people in the corridor though those that I am meeting seem to notice I have a new hairstyle and comment they like it and leave it at that and yeahhhhhhh, the focus is off my eyes and no more comments about "how are your eyes" etc from those that have been commenting on it for the past year - one girl in particular who's 50 and looks like she's 20 - she must have had a face lift (smiles) - and I'm sure she knows though she didn't say anything about my eyes today as she usually does and just said she loved the hairstyle! Worth every penny of the £250 it cost me! And it's only been 2 weeks of wearing it!
Sometimes in the ladies and I'm touching up my wig, even I am fooled that it's my own hair. It is beginning to feel very comfortable and is also like a security blanket I can hide behind - especially the fringe. Perhaps that is what is giving me my confidence. I'm not sure. I just feel safe. If I had to wear my own hair, I'm not sure I'd be as as confident with all the bald patches etc and knowing my forehead was naked. I feel safe with my forehead covered with a fringe.
My forehead seems frozen still in that I don't tend to move my eyebrows much. I mean I can but I don't have to as there's no excess skin on upper eyelids to warrant moving my eyebrows to see.
Oh yeah yesterday I felt like I had this eyelash under my upper eyelid and for the life of me I couldn't pull my upper eyelid up to get to it as the darn thing felt like it was swollen and/or I didn't have enough skin to pull up - it was the weirdest thing to happen! Whereas before there was lots of excess upper eyelid skin to pull my upper eyelid up and lift it up, now I can't, cos there's no skin. Eeek! I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing and/or if it's cos I'm swollen still. It's scary in the sense that it's a new sensation. Where did my skin go? Gone? For good? Eeek!! I have taken pics and will post when I've time.
I still can't look down properly (again taken pics though haven't cropped them yet to post) as my upper eyelids are still swollen.
I'm getting more used to my forehead and like that I have no wrinkles and it just looks young again :) I also don't frown and generally my forehead feels like it's had botox as it doesn't move much. Actually I just tried to frown and there doesn't seem to be too much muscle there to frown with; whereas before the frown muscles were huge!! Especially after my first eye surgery. I don't want to frown too much cos I never liked those frown lines/muscles which stood out a mile! I'm glad they are gone!
Big boss came back yesterday as well and he didn't even flinch or comment on my hair. That was great. About 3 more people haven't come back to work yet - one is due next week and the other two the week after; and I've yet to meet more people in the corridor though those that I am meeting seem to notice I have a new hairstyle and comment they like it and leave it at that and yeahhhhhhh, the focus is off my eyes and no more comments about "how are your eyes" etc from those that have been commenting on it for the past year - one girl in particular who's 50 and looks like she's 20 - she must have had a face lift (smiles) - and I'm sure she knows though she didn't say anything about my eyes today as she usually does and just said she loved the hairstyle! Worth every penny of the £250 it cost me! And it's only been 2 weeks of wearing it!
Sometimes in the ladies and I'm touching up my wig, even I am fooled that it's my own hair. It is beginning to feel very comfortable and is also like a security blanket I can hide behind - especially the fringe. Perhaps that is what is giving me my confidence. I'm not sure. I just feel safe. If I had to wear my own hair, I'm not sure I'd be as as confident with all the bald patches etc and knowing my forehead was naked. I feel safe with my forehead covered with a fringe.
My forehead seems frozen still in that I don't tend to move my eyebrows much. I mean I can but I don't have to as there's no excess skin on upper eyelids to warrant moving my eyebrows to see.
Oh yeah yesterday I felt like I had this eyelash under my upper eyelid and for the life of me I couldn't pull my upper eyelid up to get to it as the darn thing felt like it was swollen and/or I didn't have enough skin to pull up - it was the weirdest thing to happen! Whereas before there was lots of excess upper eyelid skin to pull my upper eyelid up and lift it up, now I can't, cos there's no skin. Eeek! I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing and/or if it's cos I'm swollen still. It's scary in the sense that it's a new sensation. Where did my skin go? Gone? For good? Eeek!! I have taken pics and will post when I've time.
I still can't look down properly (again taken pics though haven't cropped them yet to post) as my upper eyelids are still swollen.
I'm getting more used to my forehead and like that I have no wrinkles and it just looks young again :) I also don't frown and generally my forehead feels like it's had botox as it doesn't move much. Actually I just tried to frown and there doesn't seem to be too much muscle there to frown with; whereas before the frown muscles were huge!! Especially after my first eye surgery. I don't want to frown too much cos I never liked those frown lines/muscles which stood out a mile! I'm glad they are gone!
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