It's amazing how time flies and yet at the same time sometimes feels to slow down ....
I created a photo album using http://www.tripod.com cos my blogger just isn't posting pictures (which is frustrating) http://indianaeyes.tripod.com/indiana_healing_eyes/ to journal my healing journey in pictures.
Today was another hot day and it was way too hot to exercise - I tried but failed as it was just too hot.
Went out to the mall with mom to get some tshirts/vests but it was uncomfortably hot for me and it was difficult for me to try on vests and get them over my head. I was in disguise with sunglasses and a sun hat so people couldn't see my eyes but mom said it was obvious that I'd had surgery. I wonder if my eyes could be seen through my sunglasses. The stitches were feeling tight and my eyes felt tight and occasionally I could feel stinging and pulling and just generally feel the stitches. It was just also way too hot to do anything and my car doesn't have air conditioning. I am yearning for rain at this point. It's beautiful weather but it's just too hot.
I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon. Occasionally my stomach feels ikky and I remember the vomiting session. My hives are going down and it hopefully means that the antibiotics and sterioid side effects are leaving my body. I am suffering from thrush again which is very frustrating. My body is just hyper sensitive.
I'm also feeling emotional - ie crying easily - I'd say I was hormonal perhaps - though I'm not sure if it's the side effects of the steroid prednisolone - probably as it's similar to what happened the last time.
I am worried about my left lower eyelid a little as I think it may have gotten overlooked during the surgery. It's been the bane of my life since the original surgery was bodged in Dec 04 and if it was indeed overlooked, it would mean I'd have to have another lower eyelid surgery to fix it and I really would prefer not to. I will have to wait and see when the stitches come out. Fingers and toes crossed.
I'm sleeping well in that my eyes are almost closing and I haven't needed to use Lacrilube for a week now which is wonderful.
My friend S, whom I haven't been in touch with for 8 years, and whom recently surfaced as her relationship ended, has been calling a lot. I think she's lonely. I ended our friendship 8 years ago because I couldn't take how I felt when I was around her ie depressed and pulled down and I'm aiming not to allow myself to get back into that same situation. I can give her the tools to help her help herself though I will not allow myself to get sucked back into the dysfunctional friendship we had years ago. I've changed so much since then and I would think the chances of that happening are slim. I wish her well and am here for her but in a healthy way.
Friends and family
No one knows I've had this recent surgery apart from my mom and my sister and of course those at Make Me Heal. My best friend knows at some point I'm scheduled for my next surgery but I haven't told her the date and she doesn't know that I've had it and I intend to keep it that way. I haven't seen my best friend since the hair dressing incident in February this year, some 4 months ago. I was feeling very low and depressed and was very upset about my wig issue and I felt she lacked compassion for me and was very judgemental - it was an amalgamation of many months and years of *mental and emotional* abuse and I no longer wanted to put up with it. She loves me and cares for me but I feel very depressed and dragged down when I'm around her and chose to no longer be around her.
I am tired of the judgement of friends who mean well and yet they keep saying things like okay this is your last surgery now - you're getting addicted to it etc and "nothing was wrong with you in the first place - why did you have to go and fix something that wasn't broke" etc. When I feel upset with them they don't understand and think they are doing me a favour by saying what they are saying. They're all close to losing my friendship as I don't want to be around people that don't understand and whom judge me and my choices in life. I'm 41 years old and an adult and if I have made and am making mistakes re the surgeries I'm choosing to have in my life, that's my mistake to make in life and if they're true friends, they'll stand by me and support me throughout whatever it is that I'm' going through in life irrespective, instead of judging and making me wrong for my choices in life.
The same principle goes for my work colleagues. They criticise and comment non stop about my eye bags for months and years and when I have surgery, they whisper that I've opted for plastic surgery and make their own judgements about my choices in life. Get a life people.
I'm at a crossroads in my life right now as I no longer like my job, am cross with my boss and the other assistants I'm working with (well one anyway) and feel it's time to move on, but internally in the firm. I'm hoping to do so when I get back to work. New team, new start elsewhere and new challenges. I hope things will work out when I get back as I'm *dying* a slow death in my current role.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Day 6 & 7 post surgery : Sat & Sun 9-10 June 06
Yesterday, Saturday, Day 6 post surgery was an awful day as when I woke, my body was still recovering from the effects of vomiting up pretty much everything in my stomach. I was shaky inside and generally feeling unwell, albeit in shock by the whole event as well. I hadn't been prepared for that at all. In fact Jane nor the hospital had given me any post surgery instructions - though the nurse who discharged me merely said I should know it all as I've been through it before. Well that was with a brow lift and eye surgery - this was different ... I mean fat transfer - what was I supposed to expect from that? If anyone from the MMH board was to ask me about Coleman Fat Transfer, geez, I couldn't tell them anything as I don't know anything apart from it can become lumpy afterwards for a while as that is what I was told by Jane, and that she judges results at about the 12 week post surgery period.
People on the MMH board are probably more aware and knowledgeable of fat transfer than I am as I really know nothing and haven't been told much. I know Jane does it but I don't think it's her speciality and that she still personally prefers to use Restylane and tries to encourage the use of Restylane - perhaps cos that's what she knows best.
I went to Bluewater (braved it in the heat) with mom and we had Nandos but I couldn't take the heat and also wasn't feeling very well stomach wise and needed to get back home after about an hour out. I was feeling very delicate and my eyes were still feeling tight - cos of being "stitched" up. It's a weird feeling.
Sunday 10th June 06
Day 7 post surgery - I woke up feeling much better today. It's been great sleeping without using Lacrilube and my eyes don't pop open. I'm not sure if my eyes are open at all when I sleep - I need to take some pictures and see if they are. Though cos my outer eyes are sewn up / stitched up, my eyes are small right now deliberately for the next fortnight and that perhaps helps a lot in the eyes not staying open and / or being easy to shut. It does feel wonderful to not need to use Lacrilube - the freedom is a joy :)
My stomach felt much better today and I was feeling more like myself and was able to stay out longer. My eyes still feel tight and stitched up (as they would I guess) and occasionally they feel a little sore and bruised.
Last nite I used an ice pack on my eyes for the first time since the operation and it was nice and refreshing.
I'm also starting to suffer from thrush again a little (sighs). Today my right arm was suffering less from hives ie lumps of red rashes from the antibiotics and is seemingly recovering; as my last dose of antibiotics was yesterday.
I've taken pics the past 2 days though will probably post them all tomorrow. The blogger is still playing up picture wise (bah).
I wonder what my eyes will look like when the stitches are all about ie from the outer corners. Will my lower lids start to drop back again and my eyes look bigger? Or are some of the stitches permanent? I didn't ask Jane these questions cos I really didn't know quite fully what she did. I know she does things as she sees fit and at times doesn't quite have a plan and does her surgery according to the needs of the moment. I trust she has an eye for what the outcome needs to be and I'll be clued in at some point :)
People on the MMH board are probably more aware and knowledgeable of fat transfer than I am as I really know nothing and haven't been told much. I know Jane does it but I don't think it's her speciality and that she still personally prefers to use Restylane and tries to encourage the use of Restylane - perhaps cos that's what she knows best.
I went to Bluewater (braved it in the heat) with mom and we had Nandos but I couldn't take the heat and also wasn't feeling very well stomach wise and needed to get back home after about an hour out. I was feeling very delicate and my eyes were still feeling tight - cos of being "stitched" up. It's a weird feeling.
Sunday 10th June 06
Day 7 post surgery - I woke up feeling much better today. It's been great sleeping without using Lacrilube and my eyes don't pop open. I'm not sure if my eyes are open at all when I sleep - I need to take some pictures and see if they are. Though cos my outer eyes are sewn up / stitched up, my eyes are small right now deliberately for the next fortnight and that perhaps helps a lot in the eyes not staying open and / or being easy to shut. It does feel wonderful to not need to use Lacrilube - the freedom is a joy :)
My stomach felt much better today and I was feeling more like myself and was able to stay out longer. My eyes still feel tight and stitched up (as they would I guess) and occasionally they feel a little sore and bruised.
Last nite I used an ice pack on my eyes for the first time since the operation and it was nice and refreshing.
I'm also starting to suffer from thrush again a little (sighs). Today my right arm was suffering less from hives ie lumps of red rashes from the antibiotics and is seemingly recovering; as my last dose of antibiotics was yesterday.
I've taken pics the past 2 days though will probably post them all tomorrow. The blogger is still playing up picture wise (bah).
I wonder what my eyes will look like when the stitches are all about ie from the outer corners. Will my lower lids start to drop back again and my eyes look bigger? Or are some of the stitches permanent? I didn't ask Jane these questions cos I really didn't know quite fully what she did. I know she does things as she sees fit and at times doesn't quite have a plan and does her surgery according to the needs of the moment. I trust she has an eye for what the outcome needs to be and I'll be clued in at some point :)
Friday, June 09, 2006
Day 5 post surgery : Friday 9 June 06
Blogger is still not accepting pictures properly which is soooooo frustrating. Arrrgh.
Anyways, last nite sleeping was difficult strangely and I tossed and turned so to speak and finally drifted off sleeping on my bed wedges. I had one on both sides of the bed and went back and forth sleeping half way sitting between them both - it seemed to do the trick. I wonder why I'm feeling restless.
Anyway trains were delayed which was frustrating and we got to the hospital 20 mins late but Jane was running late so all wasn't too bad. It felt really strange to walk out of the house with just one eye functioning and to walk on the trains and actually in public as it's technically my first time out of the house since my op as it's just been straight into the taxi and back in the house since I left the hospital on Tuesday.
I was surprisingly in good form ie healthy and no signs of tiredness or anything related to being affected by the anaesthesia, which is a first for me. I wonder if it's cos it was local and/or if it's due to all the working out I did for weeks prior to my surgery as I really wanted to make sure I was in good shape for my surgery and after cos I really want to do my yoga workshop in 2 weeks time from now. Whatever it was, it seems to be working - yay!
Mom found it difficult to keep up with me (yikes!) as I was walking to the hospital - I didn't realise I was walking so fast.
Jane eventually called me in and went and got her tools. The man who is helping her or rather from Australia and helping her or working with her for a year was there as well. Jane prised off the bandages which by now were sticky as they'd been on for so long and she asked me to keep my eye shut when the bandage came off for a while. Unlike after surgery when the bandage first came off on Day 2, then I couldn't open my eyes if I wanted to as they seemed glued shut but this time, I had to make an effort to keep it shut as the past few days I'd been able to open it a little; but keeping it bandaged seemed to have done the trick for Jane as she seemed happy with the results and said that she thought that the lift on the lower lid retraction had taken and that it would stick - yay!
I think this sounds like no upper mouth graft to my lower left lid (smiles). Whew! Fingers and toes crossed. Jane and the other surgeon talked amongst themselves about their work while they looked at my face and I felt like I was a specimen (grins) and/or a piece of equipment that they were discussing rather than a person. It's fine - it is what it is and he's there to study from her after all - though they did both forget that I was in the room and were discussing technicalities which were far beyond me or my understanding; though whatever it was they were discussing, they seemed fairly pleased with their work. Main thing right(?).
How did it feel to finally have the left bandage removed - relief :) and also strange. My face was all sticky and gooey from the bandage and actually still is right now even though it's been hours since I've been back. My eyes aren't as bruised as I'd thought they'd be at Day 5 - I wonder if it's the reiki I've been giving myself. Perhaps. My eyes are purplish and are bruised to some extent and they are sewn at the outer edges. Jane decided she wanted to keep the stitches in for another couple of weeks and I'm scheduled to see her again two Fridays from now.
That was it really - nothing else was really discussed - apart from me listening to their conversation about their work which was too technical for me and them both saying they were really pleased - Jane took photos per usual. I asked the all important question ie could I resume working out as my body is aching to get back to exercising and Jane said yes (sweet music to my ears!). I don't intend doing much to begin with - just cardio on the exercise bike and elliptical and taking it from there. I'm not light headed at all and apart from my eyes being slanted and small, there's no sign really that I've had surgery. Let's hope this is the final surgery; ie invasive surgery - as I still would like to have more Isolagen on my nasal labial lines injected and jowls etc ....
9.30pm
After dinner, and during my dessert of eating ice cream as a treat, my stomach went into convulsions, as it had when I was in hospital. I went to the bathroom, started coughing a little and lo and behold everything I'd eaten for dinner started vomiting out of my mouth non stop and my stomach kept convulsion like it was pushing everything out of my stomach. I had to catch all the vomit (ergh) in my hands and could only pour it into the sink while I continued to vomit. It seemed never ending. It was like someone was inside my stomach squeezing it making it vomit everything out.
I went back to finish what was left of my ice cream and within minutes my stomach started convulsing again and as I stood up, I started vomiting again into a towel I had with me. I put my head down the lavatory and kept vomiting until nothing else would come out. I'd never experienced such severe stomach convulsions before - it squeezed itself until nothing else could come out. It was freaky.
It has to be the amoxycillin (antibiotics) side effects :
Amoxicillin Side Effects
Amoxicillin might cause side effects. Tell your health care provider if any of these symptoms are serious or do not go aside:
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
Some side effects can be serious. The following symptoms are rare, but if you get any of them, phone call your physician right away:
severe skin rash
hives
seizures
yellowing of the skin or eyes
unusual bleeding or bruising
pale skin
excessive tiredness
lack of energy
Amoxicillin may cause additional side effects. Send for your health professional if you have any unusual problems while considering this medicament.
Anyways, last nite sleeping was difficult strangely and I tossed and turned so to speak and finally drifted off sleeping on my bed wedges. I had one on both sides of the bed and went back and forth sleeping half way sitting between them both - it seemed to do the trick. I wonder why I'm feeling restless.
Anyway trains were delayed which was frustrating and we got to the hospital 20 mins late but Jane was running late so all wasn't too bad. It felt really strange to walk out of the house with just one eye functioning and to walk on the trains and actually in public as it's technically my first time out of the house since my op as it's just been straight into the taxi and back in the house since I left the hospital on Tuesday.
I was surprisingly in good form ie healthy and no signs of tiredness or anything related to being affected by the anaesthesia, which is a first for me. I wonder if it's cos it was local and/or if it's due to all the working out I did for weeks prior to my surgery as I really wanted to make sure I was in good shape for my surgery and after cos I really want to do my yoga workshop in 2 weeks time from now. Whatever it was, it seems to be working - yay!
Mom found it difficult to keep up with me (yikes!) as I was walking to the hospital - I didn't realise I was walking so fast.
Jane eventually called me in and went and got her tools. The man who is helping her or rather from Australia and helping her or working with her for a year was there as well. Jane prised off the bandages which by now were sticky as they'd been on for so long and she asked me to keep my eye shut when the bandage came off for a while. Unlike after surgery when the bandage first came off on Day 2, then I couldn't open my eyes if I wanted to as they seemed glued shut but this time, I had to make an effort to keep it shut as the past few days I'd been able to open it a little; but keeping it bandaged seemed to have done the trick for Jane as she seemed happy with the results and said that she thought that the lift on the lower lid retraction had taken and that it would stick - yay!
I think this sounds like no upper mouth graft to my lower left lid (smiles). Whew! Fingers and toes crossed. Jane and the other surgeon talked amongst themselves about their work while they looked at my face and I felt like I was a specimen (grins) and/or a piece of equipment that they were discussing rather than a person. It's fine - it is what it is and he's there to study from her after all - though they did both forget that I was in the room and were discussing technicalities which were far beyond me or my understanding; though whatever it was they were discussing, they seemed fairly pleased with their work. Main thing right(?).
How did it feel to finally have the left bandage removed - relief :) and also strange. My face was all sticky and gooey from the bandage and actually still is right now even though it's been hours since I've been back. My eyes aren't as bruised as I'd thought they'd be at Day 5 - I wonder if it's the reiki I've been giving myself. Perhaps. My eyes are purplish and are bruised to some extent and they are sewn at the outer edges. Jane decided she wanted to keep the stitches in for another couple of weeks and I'm scheduled to see her again two Fridays from now.
That was it really - nothing else was really discussed - apart from me listening to their conversation about their work which was too technical for me and them both saying they were really pleased - Jane took photos per usual. I asked the all important question ie could I resume working out as my body is aching to get back to exercising and Jane said yes (sweet music to my ears!). I don't intend doing much to begin with - just cardio on the exercise bike and elliptical and taking it from there. I'm not light headed at all and apart from my eyes being slanted and small, there's no sign really that I've had surgery. Let's hope this is the final surgery; ie invasive surgery - as I still would like to have more Isolagen on my nasal labial lines injected and jowls etc ....
9.30pm
After dinner, and during my dessert of eating ice cream as a treat, my stomach went into convulsions, as it had when I was in hospital. I went to the bathroom, started coughing a little and lo and behold everything I'd eaten for dinner started vomiting out of my mouth non stop and my stomach kept convulsion like it was pushing everything out of my stomach. I had to catch all the vomit (ergh) in my hands and could only pour it into the sink while I continued to vomit. It seemed never ending. It was like someone was inside my stomach squeezing it making it vomit everything out.
I went back to finish what was left of my ice cream and within minutes my stomach started convulsing again and as I stood up, I started vomiting again into a towel I had with me. I put my head down the lavatory and kept vomiting until nothing else would come out. I'd never experienced such severe stomach convulsions before - it squeezed itself until nothing else could come out. It was freaky.
It has to be the amoxycillin (antibiotics) side effects :
Amoxicillin Side Effects
Amoxicillin might cause side effects. Tell your health care provider if any of these symptoms are serious or do not go aside:
upset stomach
vomiting
diarrhea
Some side effects can be serious. The following symptoms are rare, but if you get any of them, phone call your physician right away:
severe skin rash
hives
seizures
yellowing of the skin or eyes
unusual bleeding or bruising
pale skin
excessive tiredness
lack of energy
Amoxicillin may cause additional side effects. Send for your health professional if you have any unusual problems while considering this medicament.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Day 4 post surgery : Thurs 8 June 06
Day 2 post surgery - Tues 6th June 06
Day 3 post surgery - Weds 7 June 06
Day 4 post surgery - Thurs 8 June 06
I'm feeling bored and restless still. Am used to working out and now that I can't and have to just sit and watch tv as there's nothing else I can do cos I only have one functional eye is really challenging. Sometimes the eye gets blurry and I can't even look at the laptop though mostly it's been ok; though last nite it was a bit blurry for a while.
I think this surgery wasn't as major as the last surgery, thankfully. My bowels are still moving which is wonderful as that's one of the worst parts about recovery when you're feeling bloated.
I woke up this morning and my eyes felt slightly dry but I can't obviously do anything to my left eye cos it's all bandaged up. I cleansed my right eye with saline solution and put in the eye drops they gave me plus took my anbitiotics and steroids ie predinostone, though not before giving reiki to it. Today is my last dose of predinostone (spelling?) thankfully; though I think I have a little more of the antibiotics to go through.
Tomorrow I go to see Jane to get my bandage removed along with the traction on my left eye ie the thread that is hanging from my lower eyelids.
My left knee hurt this am and is starting to bruise a little (yellow). My right eye seems to be opening more and I'm not sure if it's becoming more swollen - I guess it has to go through the stages. I am giving my eyes reiki healing though haven't been taking arnica (only on the day of surgery did I take arnica) - just haven't gotten round to taking it since as I'm always drinking water and you're not supposed to take homeopathy 15 mins before and after water.
I still can't get the blogger to accept pictures which is frustrating.
Day 3 post surgery - Weds 7 June 06
Day 4 post surgery - Thurs 8 June 06
I'm feeling bored and restless still. Am used to working out and now that I can't and have to just sit and watch tv as there's nothing else I can do cos I only have one functional eye is really challenging. Sometimes the eye gets blurry and I can't even look at the laptop though mostly it's been ok; though last nite it was a bit blurry for a while.
I think this surgery wasn't as major as the last surgery, thankfully. My bowels are still moving which is wonderful as that's one of the worst parts about recovery when you're feeling bloated.
I woke up this morning and my eyes felt slightly dry but I can't obviously do anything to my left eye cos it's all bandaged up. I cleansed my right eye with saline solution and put in the eye drops they gave me plus took my anbitiotics and steroids ie predinostone, though not before giving reiki to it. Today is my last dose of predinostone (spelling?) thankfully; though I think I have a little more of the antibiotics to go through.
Tomorrow I go to see Jane to get my bandage removed along with the traction on my left eye ie the thread that is hanging from my lower eyelids.
My left knee hurt this am and is starting to bruise a little (yellow). My right eye seems to be opening more and I'm not sure if it's becoming more swollen - I guess it has to go through the stages. I am giving my eyes reiki healing though haven't been taking arnica (only on the day of surgery did I take arnica) - just haven't gotten round to taking it since as I'm always drinking water and you're not supposed to take homeopathy 15 mins before and after water.
I still can't get the blogger to accept pictures which is frustrating.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Day 3 post surgery : Weds 7th June 06
Day 3 post surgery, and I still can't post pictures to my blog (bah!). Fed up trying.
I was feeling very restless yesterday and didn't get to sleep till about 3am and even then I was dreading going to sleep just in case my eyes got dry overnight etc and I'd end up in pain etc, but thankfully it didn't. I was also worried about sleeping in my own bed using the bed wedges and that I'd be uncomfortable - but it all worked out fine.
It's been an unusual experience having local anaesthethic as I feel fine and have done since I woke up. No queasiness or grogginess and even my bowels moved last night which is very unusual for major surgery. I credit it with the fact that I gave myself reiki during my hospital stay and also gave reiki to the medications I was taking. I was very pleased last nite not to be constipated as usually it lasts for over a week and the stomach gets very bloated and painful; but not this time thankfully.
I am irritated though and just had an argument with my mom or rather got angry at her as she was preparing the raw cat food for the kitties - she's in such a rush to get out of the house and go pay her rent, she was not paying attention to what I was asking her to do, which was somethign really simple, ie to let me know when she'd finished stirring the supplements so I could put in some other stuff - but oh no, she goes and pours what she's already got onto the raw meat and ruins everything .. bah. I just lost it .... must be the prednisolone (sniffles) ie steroid effects.
Nothing much to report really apart from my eye is swollen but I can see normally and there's no pain - only the first two days it felt like my eyes / skin were cut but that's all gone. It just feels uncomfortable having my left eye taped up and only seeing with one eye as it limits me with what I can do.
I'm dreading going to Central London to see Jane on Friday as I'll be needing to go on public transport on the trains during peak hour with an eye bandaged. People will be staring. I could get a taxi but that would cost a lot of money and I've spent too much as it is already. It'll be an experience I guess. Mom was going to go with me but the way I feel right now, I'd rather she didn't. She can be really difficult when she wants to be and definitely challenging. I do understand she doesn't like it when I get angry with her though she gives just cause and when I eventually do lose my temper with her, it's usually cos I can take no more and have reached boiling point. I have to treat her like she's a young child sometimes as she's so uneducated about health and safety, having been born in the late 30s and in a third world country. She's just also very stubborn. Ah well, part and parcel of being a family I guess to have conflicts. It's blown over now as we're talking again - I changed my voice tone and she's calmed down ....
I was feeling very restless yesterday and didn't get to sleep till about 3am and even then I was dreading going to sleep just in case my eyes got dry overnight etc and I'd end up in pain etc, but thankfully it didn't. I was also worried about sleeping in my own bed using the bed wedges and that I'd be uncomfortable - but it all worked out fine.
It's been an unusual experience having local anaesthethic as I feel fine and have done since I woke up. No queasiness or grogginess and even my bowels moved last night which is very unusual for major surgery. I credit it with the fact that I gave myself reiki during my hospital stay and also gave reiki to the medications I was taking. I was very pleased last nite not to be constipated as usually it lasts for over a week and the stomach gets very bloated and painful; but not this time thankfully.
I am irritated though and just had an argument with my mom or rather got angry at her as she was preparing the raw cat food for the kitties - she's in such a rush to get out of the house and go pay her rent, she was not paying attention to what I was asking her to do, which was somethign really simple, ie to let me know when she'd finished stirring the supplements so I could put in some other stuff - but oh no, she goes and pours what she's already got onto the raw meat and ruins everything .. bah. I just lost it .... must be the prednisolone (sniffles) ie steroid effects.
Nothing much to report really apart from my eye is swollen but I can see normally and there's no pain - only the first two days it felt like my eyes / skin were cut but that's all gone. It just feels uncomfortable having my left eye taped up and only seeing with one eye as it limits me with what I can do.
I'm dreading going to Central London to see Jane on Friday as I'll be needing to go on public transport on the trains during peak hour with an eye bandaged. People will be staring. I could get a taxi but that would cost a lot of money and I've spent too much as it is already. It'll be an experience I guess. Mom was going to go with me but the way I feel right now, I'd rather she didn't. She can be really difficult when she wants to be and definitely challenging. I do understand she doesn't like it when I get angry with her though she gives just cause and when I eventually do lose my temper with her, it's usually cos I can take no more and have reached boiling point. I have to treat her like she's a young child sometimes as she's so uneducated about health and safety, having been born in the late 30s and in a third world country. She's just also very stubborn. Ah well, part and parcel of being a family I guess to have conflicts. It's blown over now as we're talking again - I changed my voice tone and she's calmed down ....
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Surgery : 5th June 06 : Lower eyelid reconstruction, upper eyelid ptosis repair (including eyelash, lower eyelid retraction repair & fat transfer
I just got back home ..... feeling tired but restless, with one eye bandaged ie the left eye.
Finally the day came yesterday Monday 5th June 06 for my long awaited lower eyelid reconstruction, ptosis repair and coleman fat transfer to my upper and lower eyes plus also some form of lower eyelid pull up ie like canthopexy.
I'd been busy with my reiki charity day on the Friday before and worked the whole weekend which meant my mind was far from thinking about the surgery which was good.
On arrival at the hospital I wasn't too happy with the finance administrator who called me into his office to fill out some registration forms as I'd forgotten to send them through. He told me that BUPA's approval for payment hadn't gone through and was pending and that I should call them when I got to my room as they may not pay for my treatment. I asked him which surgery he was talking about and he said all of them and wouldn't be specific as to whether it was December's surgery or yesterday's surgery. I looked on his screen and where it said insurance, it had an approved mark so heavens' only knows what he's talking about though it did really upset me as I felt offended by his approach. If I hadn't known any better from my discussions with BUPA, I could have been severely depressed and upset about the whole thing just before my surgery. He should have known better. What did he expect me to do - walk away? DOH! If BUPA had any probs with paying for the surgery they would have contacted me long before.
Anyway, I had a couple of hours wait before my surgery. Jane came in to see me with a surgeon from Australia who was working with her for a year and we went through the procedures I was having done and I signed the customary agreement forms. It was interesting I hadn't seen the "death and blindness" part before or perhaps it just stood out this time. I found it intriguigng that people sign away their consent that if they enter into surgery that they could die. Would this stand up in court if I died from consultant's neglect during surgery ie that I'd signed away my consent? Baffles the mind as to what it means then when I sign away my consent that I could die during surgery. What am I signing? :)
Around 11am I walk into surgery and lie on the table which per usual is cold (I wonder why this is) - perhaps it's cos I'm half dressed! It's a new anaesthesist - than the one I had before whom I liked a lot and who was very kind and concerned about me after my surgery and who came to see me a few times after to make sure I was ok.
I had local anaesthethic this time and I wasn't sure what to expect. The customary needle was put into my left hand and anaesthethic cocktail (gin and tonic as they call it) was injected into me which left a cold feeling entering into my body. I was then left alone for a while by both the anaesthesist and the nurse accompanying him while they went to prepare other stuff. I found this interesting as I was all alone for quite some time with a needle and cocktails floating into me. Hmmmm.... Then he returned and I was wheeled into the operating theatre. A whole bunch of other things happened which are vague to me now ... though I do remember laughing gas being put onto my nose which made it itch but it didn't feel like it had much effect. When the original local anaesthesia went into me, I started feeling drowsy but I soon got used to it.
A few people in the operating room and in my room came up to me and said they recognised me from 6 months ago ... good memory of them :) Right now i can't remember what Jane did to get started .. oh yes I think she put stuff into my eyes and then she started injecting my eyelids with anaesthesia and darn that hurt sooooo much. Jane said that there was a lot of trauma (if that was the right word she used) in my eyelids from my original eye surgery ie it felt like injecting into barbed wire. It stung a lot and I had tears in my eyes. The anaesthesist kept asking me to take deep breaths of the laughing gas but it didn't seem to do anything for me. Then I felt Jane pull on my lower eyelid ie where it had retracted and it felt like she was cutting into my skin .... I think I said something alnog the lines of that really hurts and I may have asked her to stop (I can't remember) as the next thing I think they did was give me more sedation and knocked me out (thankfully as I don't think I could have taken any more pain).
Oh yeah, before they started on my eyes they took fat from my left leg which I did feel but I don't think it hurt but I didn't like it.
I woke up after surgery or just before they woke me up and I felt claustrophobic and couldn't understand what was happening. They told me that they'd bandaged both my eyes and it would stay that way till Tuesday. Oh dear. There was nothing I could do. I remember asking if I'd missed anything as I couldn't remember much about the ending. A man's voice said that they'd increased my sedation and I went to sleep. I heard the same man say everything went really went during the surgery and that he'd see me on Friday. I assume I must have still been in the operating theatre and that it was the Australian man who was working with Jane. I could have been in recovery - I'm not sure as I couldn't see a thing. It was the weirdest feeling to not be able to open my eyes. It's like they were glued shut. (It turnes out later they were under traction ie they'd sewn them shut - eek). I have pictures of the threads hanging down which i'll post some stage later.
I was then wheeled back to my room and I immediately wanted to use the bathroom. The nurse said she'd give me a bedpan to which I said NO - ergh don't like them as they're so undignified and insisted I walked. She said I'd just gotten out of surgery and I said I'd be fine and wanted to try. Thankfully I was and managed to walk the few feet to the bathroom (whew!). I came out of theatre around 2pmish and it all started about 11.30pm - so I must have been in there around 2 hours. I'm so glad I was asleep as I couldn't have taken any more pain.
I was given some water and ice cream which was welcome as it was a hot day and though I was restless I eventually tried to get some sleep. The whole experience was just weird not being able to see anything and totally relying on the nurses for everything. I felt disabled. They were very kind and patient even when I went to the bathroom like a dozen times ie every hour or half an hour (I drink a lot of water).
The evening was spent listening to my Ipod, falling asleep every now and then and having dinner while I couldn't see anything - one of the nurses had to tell me where my food was and we specially ordered food I didn't need to see ie sandwiches ... it was interesting eating a cheesecake and not being able to see it! :)
The night wasa restless though I dozed in and out of sleep and went to the bathroom a lot plus I got cold around 3.30am and the nurse had to bring my duvet and jacket etc and a whoel bunch of other things ie my mobile alarm went off at 3.48am and she needed to retrieve that for me as it wouldn't stop until we'd switched it off (even though it was off the alarm still comes on). All in all an interesting nite :).
In the morning after breakfast (which I again ate without being able to see), one of the nurses came into take off my bandages. When they were off, which was scary as it felt so bright, she said my eyes were in traction ie they'd been sewn together and she needed Jane to take them off as she didn't have enough experience. Jane did come shortly after and after taking a look she said that the left eye needed to go back up at least until Friday when I saw Jane next). The right eye could be released. She told the nurse to do it tightly as it'd be useless otherwise.
The nurse then pulled out the threads on my right eye and oh boy that stung real bad (ouch). The left eye feels like it's stil open and I rang Jane when I got home but she said it couldn't be as it'd hurt if it was .. so ok, I'll take her word for it.
I took the opportunity to ask Jane a few questions while she was there. Apparently she doesn't see patients after surgery as she's such a busy woman. It does feel quite unsettling when that happens as each time at blackheath hospital where I've had surgeries, I always get a visit by the surgeon after to tell me how it's gone. I guess Jane is just too busy.
She said that she'd put fat in my uppers (left eye about 65% and right eye about25-30% I think) to even them out and she said she didn't put any fat on my lower eyelids as she didn't think it necessary. She'd tried to move any fat she found there around to disperse it and said that was enough. It's too early for me to judge for myself as I'm all bruised though I hope it's all fine as I'd hate to have to have another surgery to do fat transfer to my lowers.
We didn't talk about the ptosis repair or eyelash repair and didn't mention the lower left eyelid retraction ... she said that everything went well which was good enough for me - I trust her judgement. I did ask about the pain of the injections and she said my eyes had a lot of trauma or internal scarring from my original surgery as the area wasn't soft tissue as she expected. Darn original butcher surgeon.
While the nurse went to get some bandages I took the opp to take some photos of my eyes without the bandage and well there's nothing really to see as they just look bruised like after all blephs and it's too early to tell. I'll post pixs later if I get round to it.
One good thing is that I didn't suffer from any nausea from the local anaesthesia thankfully. Just that horrendous pain of the original injections into my upper and lower eyelids and what felt like the cutting of my lower left eyelid. I was traumatised about that for hours after and the pain was all I could think about.
I was upset that I had to take steroids again ie predisterone (spelling?) and antibiotics as that's what caused my thrush for 5 months and I just managed to get rid of it and now it will probably return again. Jane said it was only for 3 days this time and was to reduce any potential swelling. The nurse said it was most likely the antibiotics that caused the thrush. I gave reiki to both the steroids and antibiotics before I took them to take away any bad side effects (it's supposed to work).
The nurse suggested I stay till after lunch before I went home, which I did, and it was good as mom wasn't home when I got back and I'd nothing in the house to cook.
I asked Jane and the nurse if I could exercise and or at least use my exercise bike and they both said no ... (sniffles). I don't wanna get flabby and out shape again ..... (sniffles). A few days won't do any harm but look what happened last time ie Dec 04- I got so depressed I didn't work out for a year and a half and lost the routine. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.
When I had to fill in the questionnaire at the beginning of the day yesterday as to how many surgeries I'd had, they all said how come so many? Even the nurse yesterday and today who was with me during my Y-V browlift couldn't understand why I was having so many surgeries and I had to explain that I originally wanted to get rid of eye bags and it's turned into a huge reconstruction cos it went badly wrong. She asked quite a few times as she didn't understand it when I explained it to her the first time. I guess if you look at my before picture, I look fine (kinda unless you know what you're looking at). (sighs). I felt bad but hey I don't want all these surgeries and when we said our final goodbyes earlier today we both said we hoped we wouldn't see each other again (in the best sense cos I don't want any more surgeries).
So I think that's it for now ... got a taxi home and the weather was beautifully sunny, I slept in the cab and got charged £10 more than I did in Dec - probably cos we hit a traffic jam.
I just have to figure what I'm going to do for the next 3 days until Friday when I have to go see Jane again and how I'm going to get there with one eye bandaged! During peak hour too!
Indi
p/s
Side effects of Prednisolone (steroids). Explains why I got depressed and why my menstrual cycles went from 4 weeks to 7 weeks apart for 5 months. BTW I didn't get a steroid card this time. I wonder if it's cos it's only for 3 days.
What side effects can be expected?
It is very important that you always carry a Steroid Card with you in the event that you take ill and are seen by another Doctor. Cards are available from Chemists and should be supplied with your prescription. They tell other Doctors all they need to known about your treatment that might have a bearing on other treatments you require, especially in an emergency. It is often necessary, for example, to supplement the steroid that you take with extra doses by injection if you suffer an acute illness or if you require any form of surgery.
The following is a list of possible side effects some or all of which can occur to a greater or lesser extent. Most are controlled by careful adjustment of dosage and are generally preventable by monitoring from time to time.
Indigestion or abdominal discomfort is a relatively common side effect and the reason why each dose of Prednisolone should be taken with food. Peptic ulcers are more likely to develop in people who require long term treatment with medicines of this kind so that your Doctor should be informed if severe symptoms occur. Further investigation may be necessary in such cases.
Long term treatment with steroids may lead to "thinning" of the bones and development of a condition known as osteoporosis which is associated with an increased risk of bone fractures. This is less likely to occur when normal (physiological) doses or even lower doses are used.
Steroids produce other metabolic side effects (i.e. interfere with the chemical balance of the body). They alter salt and water and potassium and calcium balance and increase blood sugar levels (diabetes may be unmasked in susceptible individuals). There is often an increased appetite, weight gain and susceptibility to infection and poor healing of injuries or wounds.
Menstrual irregularities and complete absence of monthly periods can occur in women receiving treatment with steroid hormones, another reason to maintain the lowest dose feasible..
A condition resembling Cushing’s Syndrome (Cushingoid) results from high or excessive dosage.
The symptoms include the appearance of a typical large, rounded or "moon" face, a reddish/ruddy complexion, obesity which may be noticed as swelling of the trunk, and the deposition of pads of fatty tissue behind the shoulder blades described as a "buffalo hump". The skin texture can become thin and stretched, there may be purple streaks across the abdomen (due to damage to very small surface blood vessels). It is stressed that the Cushingoid appearance can be prevented or controlled by careful dosage adjustment. This is why your specialist aims for the lowest dose of prednisolne which makes you feel well.
Steroids (especially in high dosage) can have unpredictable effects on mood and behaviour. This may be a particular problem for those who suffer from mental illness. Steroids have been associated with euphoria (a feeling of wellbeing) but also depression and occasionally cause sleep disturbances. They may also raise the intracranial pressure (pressure within the brain) associated with the development of headache.
Steroids also raise the pressure of fluid within the eye ball (intra-ocular pressure) predisposing to the related condition glaucoma. Cataracts are more likely to form in people treated with steroids and there may be thinning of the outer cover of the eye with increased risk of eye infections.
--------------------------------
From another site - acne and irregular periods are what I've had for 5 months - I ran this through Jane and she insisted it wasn't the steriods (it frustrates me when that happens ie something happens to me and a doctor insists it is not the medication when I know full well it is as my periods were never like that for ages and my body was depressed and I wasn't myself.
Possible side effects of prednisolone
http://www.cambridge-transplant.org.uk/drugs/prednisolone.htm
As with any medication side effects are possible. This means you may experience some or none of the following side effects:
Stomach irritation which can sometimes lead to bleeding ulcers. You will be given anti-ulcer medication to help prevent this. Always take prednisolone with or after food. Report to your doctor if you vomit blood or if your stools become blackened.
Weight Gain, especially around the face. This will decrease as your dose is decreased. Weigh yourself regularly and if you gain weight suddenly in a short period of time notify your doctor. Follow the dietary guidelines.
High blood glucose (which may lead to Diabetes). Your blood glucose (sugar) levels will be monitored. Again, follow dietary guidelines.
Mood swings may occur -emotions may swing from very happy to very depressed. Ensure family and friends are aware of this so they can be supportive and understanding.
Skin changes - acne, delayed healing, papery skin, bruising and muscle weakness or loss. Use strict hygiene when dealing with open sores. Use moisturising barrier creams. Try to avoid knocks and bumps to the skin and follow exercise guidelines.
Softening of bones (osteoporosis). Eat foods high in calcium or take supplements.
Salt and fluid retention, this may lead to an increase in blood pressure. Avoid excess salt in your diet - follow dietary guidelines.
Eyes may be affected . Have regular eye checks.
Irregular periods may occur in females.
Increased risk of developing infections may occur with all anti-rejection drugs. Report any signs of infection (e.g. sore throat) to your doctor. Report to your doctor immediately if you come into contact with anyone with chickenpox or if you catch chickenpox within a three month period of stopping treatment.
Never stop taking your prednisolone without your doctor's instruction.
Finally the day came yesterday Monday 5th June 06 for my long awaited lower eyelid reconstruction, ptosis repair and coleman fat transfer to my upper and lower eyes plus also some form of lower eyelid pull up ie like canthopexy.
I'd been busy with my reiki charity day on the Friday before and worked the whole weekend which meant my mind was far from thinking about the surgery which was good.
On arrival at the hospital I wasn't too happy with the finance administrator who called me into his office to fill out some registration forms as I'd forgotten to send them through. He told me that BUPA's approval for payment hadn't gone through and was pending and that I should call them when I got to my room as they may not pay for my treatment. I asked him which surgery he was talking about and he said all of them and wouldn't be specific as to whether it was December's surgery or yesterday's surgery. I looked on his screen and where it said insurance, it had an approved mark so heavens' only knows what he's talking about though it did really upset me as I felt offended by his approach. If I hadn't known any better from my discussions with BUPA, I could have been severely depressed and upset about the whole thing just before my surgery. He should have known better. What did he expect me to do - walk away? DOH! If BUPA had any probs with paying for the surgery they would have contacted me long before.
Anyway, I had a couple of hours wait before my surgery. Jane came in to see me with a surgeon from Australia who was working with her for a year and we went through the procedures I was having done and I signed the customary agreement forms. It was interesting I hadn't seen the "death and blindness" part before or perhaps it just stood out this time. I found it intriguigng that people sign away their consent that if they enter into surgery that they could die. Would this stand up in court if I died from consultant's neglect during surgery ie that I'd signed away my consent? Baffles the mind as to what it means then when I sign away my consent that I could die during surgery. What am I signing? :)
Around 11am I walk into surgery and lie on the table which per usual is cold (I wonder why this is) - perhaps it's cos I'm half dressed! It's a new anaesthesist - than the one I had before whom I liked a lot and who was very kind and concerned about me after my surgery and who came to see me a few times after to make sure I was ok.
I had local anaesthethic this time and I wasn't sure what to expect. The customary needle was put into my left hand and anaesthethic cocktail (gin and tonic as they call it) was injected into me which left a cold feeling entering into my body. I was then left alone for a while by both the anaesthesist and the nurse accompanying him while they went to prepare other stuff. I found this interesting as I was all alone for quite some time with a needle and cocktails floating into me. Hmmmm.... Then he returned and I was wheeled into the operating theatre. A whole bunch of other things happened which are vague to me now ... though I do remember laughing gas being put onto my nose which made it itch but it didn't feel like it had much effect. When the original local anaesthesia went into me, I started feeling drowsy but I soon got used to it.
A few people in the operating room and in my room came up to me and said they recognised me from 6 months ago ... good memory of them :) Right now i can't remember what Jane did to get started .. oh yes I think she put stuff into my eyes and then she started injecting my eyelids with anaesthesia and darn that hurt sooooo much. Jane said that there was a lot of trauma (if that was the right word she used) in my eyelids from my original eye surgery ie it felt like injecting into barbed wire. It stung a lot and I had tears in my eyes. The anaesthesist kept asking me to take deep breaths of the laughing gas but it didn't seem to do anything for me. Then I felt Jane pull on my lower eyelid ie where it had retracted and it felt like she was cutting into my skin .... I think I said something alnog the lines of that really hurts and I may have asked her to stop (I can't remember) as the next thing I think they did was give me more sedation and knocked me out (thankfully as I don't think I could have taken any more pain).
Oh yeah, before they started on my eyes they took fat from my left leg which I did feel but I don't think it hurt but I didn't like it.
I woke up after surgery or just before they woke me up and I felt claustrophobic and couldn't understand what was happening. They told me that they'd bandaged both my eyes and it would stay that way till Tuesday. Oh dear. There was nothing I could do. I remember asking if I'd missed anything as I couldn't remember much about the ending. A man's voice said that they'd increased my sedation and I went to sleep. I heard the same man say everything went really went during the surgery and that he'd see me on Friday. I assume I must have still been in the operating theatre and that it was the Australian man who was working with Jane. I could have been in recovery - I'm not sure as I couldn't see a thing. It was the weirdest feeling to not be able to open my eyes. It's like they were glued shut. (It turnes out later they were under traction ie they'd sewn them shut - eek). I have pictures of the threads hanging down which i'll post some stage later.
I was then wheeled back to my room and I immediately wanted to use the bathroom. The nurse said she'd give me a bedpan to which I said NO - ergh don't like them as they're so undignified and insisted I walked. She said I'd just gotten out of surgery and I said I'd be fine and wanted to try. Thankfully I was and managed to walk the few feet to the bathroom (whew!). I came out of theatre around 2pmish and it all started about 11.30pm - so I must have been in there around 2 hours. I'm so glad I was asleep as I couldn't have taken any more pain.
I was given some water and ice cream which was welcome as it was a hot day and though I was restless I eventually tried to get some sleep. The whole experience was just weird not being able to see anything and totally relying on the nurses for everything. I felt disabled. They were very kind and patient even when I went to the bathroom like a dozen times ie every hour or half an hour (I drink a lot of water).
The evening was spent listening to my Ipod, falling asleep every now and then and having dinner while I couldn't see anything - one of the nurses had to tell me where my food was and we specially ordered food I didn't need to see ie sandwiches ... it was interesting eating a cheesecake and not being able to see it! :)
The night wasa restless though I dozed in and out of sleep and went to the bathroom a lot plus I got cold around 3.30am and the nurse had to bring my duvet and jacket etc and a whoel bunch of other things ie my mobile alarm went off at 3.48am and she needed to retrieve that for me as it wouldn't stop until we'd switched it off (even though it was off the alarm still comes on). All in all an interesting nite :).
In the morning after breakfast (which I again ate without being able to see), one of the nurses came into take off my bandages. When they were off, which was scary as it felt so bright, she said my eyes were in traction ie they'd been sewn together and she needed Jane to take them off as she didn't have enough experience. Jane did come shortly after and after taking a look she said that the left eye needed to go back up at least until Friday when I saw Jane next). The right eye could be released. She told the nurse to do it tightly as it'd be useless otherwise.
The nurse then pulled out the threads on my right eye and oh boy that stung real bad (ouch). The left eye feels like it's stil open and I rang Jane when I got home but she said it couldn't be as it'd hurt if it was .. so ok, I'll take her word for it.
I took the opportunity to ask Jane a few questions while she was there. Apparently she doesn't see patients after surgery as she's such a busy woman. It does feel quite unsettling when that happens as each time at blackheath hospital where I've had surgeries, I always get a visit by the surgeon after to tell me how it's gone. I guess Jane is just too busy.
She said that she'd put fat in my uppers (left eye about 65% and right eye about25-30% I think) to even them out and she said she didn't put any fat on my lower eyelids as she didn't think it necessary. She'd tried to move any fat she found there around to disperse it and said that was enough. It's too early for me to judge for myself as I'm all bruised though I hope it's all fine as I'd hate to have to have another surgery to do fat transfer to my lowers.
We didn't talk about the ptosis repair or eyelash repair and didn't mention the lower left eyelid retraction ... she said that everything went well which was good enough for me - I trust her judgement. I did ask about the pain of the injections and she said my eyes had a lot of trauma or internal scarring from my original surgery as the area wasn't soft tissue as she expected. Darn original butcher surgeon.
While the nurse went to get some bandages I took the opp to take some photos of my eyes without the bandage and well there's nothing really to see as they just look bruised like after all blephs and it's too early to tell. I'll post pixs later if I get round to it.
One good thing is that I didn't suffer from any nausea from the local anaesthesia thankfully. Just that horrendous pain of the original injections into my upper and lower eyelids and what felt like the cutting of my lower left eyelid. I was traumatised about that for hours after and the pain was all I could think about.
I was upset that I had to take steroids again ie predisterone (spelling?) and antibiotics as that's what caused my thrush for 5 months and I just managed to get rid of it and now it will probably return again. Jane said it was only for 3 days this time and was to reduce any potential swelling. The nurse said it was most likely the antibiotics that caused the thrush. I gave reiki to both the steroids and antibiotics before I took them to take away any bad side effects (it's supposed to work).
The nurse suggested I stay till after lunch before I went home, which I did, and it was good as mom wasn't home when I got back and I'd nothing in the house to cook.
I asked Jane and the nurse if I could exercise and or at least use my exercise bike and they both said no ... (sniffles). I don't wanna get flabby and out shape again ..... (sniffles). A few days won't do any harm but look what happened last time ie Dec 04- I got so depressed I didn't work out for a year and a half and lost the routine. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.
When I had to fill in the questionnaire at the beginning of the day yesterday as to how many surgeries I'd had, they all said how come so many? Even the nurse yesterday and today who was with me during my Y-V browlift couldn't understand why I was having so many surgeries and I had to explain that I originally wanted to get rid of eye bags and it's turned into a huge reconstruction cos it went badly wrong. She asked quite a few times as she didn't understand it when I explained it to her the first time. I guess if you look at my before picture, I look fine (kinda unless you know what you're looking at). (sighs). I felt bad but hey I don't want all these surgeries and when we said our final goodbyes earlier today we both said we hoped we wouldn't see each other again (in the best sense cos I don't want any more surgeries).
So I think that's it for now ... got a taxi home and the weather was beautifully sunny, I slept in the cab and got charged £10 more than I did in Dec - probably cos we hit a traffic jam.
I just have to figure what I'm going to do for the next 3 days until Friday when I have to go see Jane again and how I'm going to get there with one eye bandaged! During peak hour too!
Indi
p/s
Side effects of Prednisolone (steroids). Explains why I got depressed and why my menstrual cycles went from 4 weeks to 7 weeks apart for 5 months. BTW I didn't get a steroid card this time. I wonder if it's cos it's only for 3 days.
What side effects can be expected?
It is very important that you always carry a Steroid Card with you in the event that you take ill and are seen by another Doctor. Cards are available from Chemists and should be supplied with your prescription. They tell other Doctors all they need to known about your treatment that might have a bearing on other treatments you require, especially in an emergency. It is often necessary, for example, to supplement the steroid that you take with extra doses by injection if you suffer an acute illness or if you require any form of surgery.
The following is a list of possible side effects some or all of which can occur to a greater or lesser extent. Most are controlled by careful adjustment of dosage and are generally preventable by monitoring from time to time.
Indigestion or abdominal discomfort is a relatively common side effect and the reason why each dose of Prednisolone should be taken with food. Peptic ulcers are more likely to develop in people who require long term treatment with medicines of this kind so that your Doctor should be informed if severe symptoms occur. Further investigation may be necessary in such cases.
Long term treatment with steroids may lead to "thinning" of the bones and development of a condition known as osteoporosis which is associated with an increased risk of bone fractures. This is less likely to occur when normal (physiological) doses or even lower doses are used.
Steroids produce other metabolic side effects (i.e. interfere with the chemical balance of the body). They alter salt and water and potassium and calcium balance and increase blood sugar levels (diabetes may be unmasked in susceptible individuals). There is often an increased appetite, weight gain and susceptibility to infection and poor healing of injuries or wounds.
Menstrual irregularities and complete absence of monthly periods can occur in women receiving treatment with steroid hormones, another reason to maintain the lowest dose feasible..
A condition resembling Cushing’s Syndrome (Cushingoid) results from high or excessive dosage.
The symptoms include the appearance of a typical large, rounded or "moon" face, a reddish/ruddy complexion, obesity which may be noticed as swelling of the trunk, and the deposition of pads of fatty tissue behind the shoulder blades described as a "buffalo hump". The skin texture can become thin and stretched, there may be purple streaks across the abdomen (due to damage to very small surface blood vessels). It is stressed that the Cushingoid appearance can be prevented or controlled by careful dosage adjustment. This is why your specialist aims for the lowest dose of prednisolne which makes you feel well.
Steroids (especially in high dosage) can have unpredictable effects on mood and behaviour. This may be a particular problem for those who suffer from mental illness. Steroids have been associated with euphoria (a feeling of wellbeing) but also depression and occasionally cause sleep disturbances. They may also raise the intracranial pressure (pressure within the brain) associated with the development of headache.
Steroids also raise the pressure of fluid within the eye ball (intra-ocular pressure) predisposing to the related condition glaucoma. Cataracts are more likely to form in people treated with steroids and there may be thinning of the outer cover of the eye with increased risk of eye infections.
--------------------------------
From another site - acne and irregular periods are what I've had for 5 months - I ran this through Jane and she insisted it wasn't the steriods (it frustrates me when that happens ie something happens to me and a doctor insists it is not the medication when I know full well it is as my periods were never like that for ages and my body was depressed and I wasn't myself.
Possible side effects of prednisolone
http://www.cambridge-transplant.org.uk/drugs/prednisolone.htm
As with any medication side effects are possible. This means you may experience some or none of the following side effects:
Stomach irritation which can sometimes lead to bleeding ulcers. You will be given anti-ulcer medication to help prevent this. Always take prednisolone with or after food. Report to your doctor if you vomit blood or if your stools become blackened.
Weight Gain, especially around the face. This will decrease as your dose is decreased. Weigh yourself regularly and if you gain weight suddenly in a short period of time notify your doctor. Follow the dietary guidelines.
High blood glucose (which may lead to Diabetes). Your blood glucose (sugar) levels will be monitored. Again, follow dietary guidelines.
Mood swings may occur -emotions may swing from very happy to very depressed. Ensure family and friends are aware of this so they can be supportive and understanding.
Skin changes - acne, delayed healing, papery skin, bruising and muscle weakness or loss. Use strict hygiene when dealing with open sores. Use moisturising barrier creams. Try to avoid knocks and bumps to the skin and follow exercise guidelines.
Softening of bones (osteoporosis). Eat foods high in calcium or take supplements.
Salt and fluid retention, this may lead to an increase in blood pressure. Avoid excess salt in your diet - follow dietary guidelines.
Eyes may be affected . Have regular eye checks.
Irregular periods may occur in females.
Increased risk of developing infections may occur with all anti-rejection drugs. Report any signs of infection (e.g. sore throat) to your doctor. Report to your doctor immediately if you come into contact with anyone with chickenpox or if you catch chickenpox within a three month period of stopping treatment.
Never stop taking your prednisolone without your doctor's instruction.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Jane's summary re upcoming surgery
Jane's letter finally arrived a couple of weeks after my last consult with her on 4th May. It made interesting reading and I felt nervous about some points.
It's been a challenging few days for me at work this week - some stuff is stirring there - some of it perhaps caused by my taking 3 weeks holiday which clashes with the other secretary in the team - and I've spent the whole weekend in duress - you know how your heart feels when you've broken up with someone and feels broken in two ... well that's how mine feels as I have decided it's time to leave my group after 3 years and apply for another position in the firm. I've been feeling undervalued in the group for a while and have put up with poor treatment and this was the final straw for me. The other assistant put in a formal complaint that I've been ignoring her at work and that she's really upset by it - geez if I could have said the same about her as I have felt insulted by her behaviour towards me the past year or so and have just tolerated it. It's a long story I won't get into ... office politics is always ugly and especially so in investment banking. It's been one thing or another for me lately ie with the car incident as well 2 weeks ago.
Anyway back to the letter ... (sighs) I'm so down about work I don't even know where to start to write and share this ....
I have some eyelash ptosis which requires minor surgery on the upper eyelids to evert the lashes by a small anterior lamella reposition. There is also a little bit of a dip in the upper lid salci which will have Coleman fat injected into. This is the part where Jane warned me could get lumpy - she really wanted me to have Restylane here but I won't. I can't afford to have Restylane injected every 5-6 months for the rest of my life. I'll share pixs at a later date as to how my upper eyelid looks now which has changed a lot since the last pix I shared.
I'll need a bilateral lower lid small skin blepharoplasy (redrape) with tightening of the orbicularis up to the orbital rim and release of the lower lid retractors on the left side for the eyelid to go up. Any fat will be released bilaterally into my tear trough region and Coleman fat infiltrated into the area as well. Coleman fat will be taken from inside my knee - injection discreet to avoid bumps but adequate to fill the dips.
There will be puffiness and bruising for up to 3 weeks after surgery and mild puffiness for about 6 weeks that I will notice but others won't. Fingers crossed about this one!
The Coleman fat may require resculpting at a later date if there are any small lumps visible. The lower lid retraction on the left may recur minimally as an eyelid which has already had previous surgery does have unpredictable healing. If this does happen, Jane suggested she would have to put in a hard palate muscosal graft taken from my mouth to raise this up. Geez - this is the first I heard of it as she didn't mention it during my last consult. I'm still not sure what it means but it sounds scary and expensive!
I suffer from recurrent episodes of ocular exposure and keratisis which is very painful.
My heart hurts from thinking about my meeting with HR tomorrow and the other assistant and I can't write too much more .... my surgery is in 14 days and I'm feeling very nervous. Life is certainly challenging right now and I'm struggling to stay afloat and keep positive for all around me.
It's been a challenging few days for me at work this week - some stuff is stirring there - some of it perhaps caused by my taking 3 weeks holiday which clashes with the other secretary in the team - and I've spent the whole weekend in duress - you know how your heart feels when you've broken up with someone and feels broken in two ... well that's how mine feels as I have decided it's time to leave my group after 3 years and apply for another position in the firm. I've been feeling undervalued in the group for a while and have put up with poor treatment and this was the final straw for me. The other assistant put in a formal complaint that I've been ignoring her at work and that she's really upset by it - geez if I could have said the same about her as I have felt insulted by her behaviour towards me the past year or so and have just tolerated it. It's a long story I won't get into ... office politics is always ugly and especially so in investment banking. It's been one thing or another for me lately ie with the car incident as well 2 weeks ago.
Anyway back to the letter ... (sighs) I'm so down about work I don't even know where to start to write and share this ....
I have some eyelash ptosis which requires minor surgery on the upper eyelids to evert the lashes by a small anterior lamella reposition. There is also a little bit of a dip in the upper lid salci which will have Coleman fat injected into. This is the part where Jane warned me could get lumpy - she really wanted me to have Restylane here but I won't. I can't afford to have Restylane injected every 5-6 months for the rest of my life. I'll share pixs at a later date as to how my upper eyelid looks now which has changed a lot since the last pix I shared.
I'll need a bilateral lower lid small skin blepharoplasy (redrape) with tightening of the orbicularis up to the orbital rim and release of the lower lid retractors on the left side for the eyelid to go up. Any fat will be released bilaterally into my tear trough region and Coleman fat infiltrated into the area as well. Coleman fat will be taken from inside my knee - injection discreet to avoid bumps but adequate to fill the dips.
There will be puffiness and bruising for up to 3 weeks after surgery and mild puffiness for about 6 weeks that I will notice but others won't. Fingers crossed about this one!
The Coleman fat may require resculpting at a later date if there are any small lumps visible. The lower lid retraction on the left may recur minimally as an eyelid which has already had previous surgery does have unpredictable healing. If this does happen, Jane suggested she would have to put in a hard palate muscosal graft taken from my mouth to raise this up. Geez - this is the first I heard of it as she didn't mention it during my last consult. I'm still not sure what it means but it sounds scary and expensive!
I suffer from recurrent episodes of ocular exposure and keratisis which is very painful.
My heart hurts from thinking about my meeting with HR tomorrow and the other assistant and I can't write too much more .... my surgery is in 14 days and I'm feeling very nervous. Life is certainly challenging right now and I'm struggling to stay afloat and keep positive for all around me.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Consult with Jane Olver : 4th May 06 re lower eyelid reconstruction & fat transfer
My consultation with Jane Olver finally came round today 4th May 06, 5 months post surgery from my Y-V endow brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction.
To summarise, my next surgery is going to be a bilateral lower eyelid reconstruction where she will remove a small amount of skin and remove / smooth out the lumpy area on my left lower eyelid and tighten up the lower eyelid and remove the bulges at the end (which I didn't realise I had! doh!), and inject a tiny amount of coleman fat into my lower eyelids.
She's going to perform a sort of cantopexy on my left lower eyelid to pull it up or fix what the original butcher surgeon did and re my upper eylids, she is going to cut a bit of skin in the creases to lift the upper eyelashes a bit (or something along those lines - until I get her formal letter I am not familiar with the terminology) in both upper eyes and for the left upper eyelid where there has been that crinkly skin cos the original butcher surgeon took out too much fat, I asked her to do some coleman fat transfer from my knee there.
Jane did tell me that she felt coleman fat transfer onto my upper eyelid could feel lumpy and would take a year to settle before any final results could be judged etc. It felt she really wanted me to go with Restylane as that is her speciality but sorrie, I won't touch Restylane mainly cos I've had it before and found Restylane to be lumpy, and looked lumpy plus left bruises on my cheek for ages, I don't like the thought of it hydraulic acid dissolving slowly in my body, and in this case upper eyelid for weeks on end and I don't like the thought of having repeat injections every 6 months or so to top up as Restylane is very expensive.
My crinkly look on my upper left eyelid has sunken even more than it had before and I wonder what it looks like to the untrained eye. I've not noticed any of my work colleagues staring at my eyes since my Y-V Endo Brow Life and Bilateral Upper Eyelid reconstruction which means they're fooled (smiles) into thinking all is well. Whew! That was such a painful period to notice people staring at my eyes and more so flicking away at their own eyes when they could see the lumpy bump on my left lower eyelid - which is not as noticeable as it was before and no one is flicking away at their eye anymore, not even people in the shops and I don't notice it myself too much these days either. So thanks Jane :)
I should have written this on the day of my appt while it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm writing this a few days later, I've lost the flow of words ....
I've been working out to the Biggest Loser DVD the past 3 weeks or so and oh boy, it's hard work! I'm thin for my height but I do have a high fat percentage, as werid as that sounds - about 27% according to my scales! Though that's based on me being 39 and not 41 - so perhaps it's different. I don't know how to change my age on the scale! For the first time in my life my thighs seem to be changing shape (stubborn fatty areas of cellulite!) and also my stomach is toning up. It'd be wonderful at age 41 to finally get a 6 pack and also biceps (smiles)! I'm working on it. I'm also watching my diet and bought a heart rate monitor watch which I couldn't afford to monitor my heart rate and how much fat I burn with different workouts. I'm closing on burning about 2000 calories a week, and working an 11 hour day - not bad! The weight is coming off, but slowly. I just want to tone up and build some muscle. And also increase my stamina as I hadn't worked out since my last surgery with the butcher doctor (ie my original surgeon).
When I finish the next surgery, the intention is to resume working out fairly soon after ie perhaps 4-5 days - only in the sense of walking outside and around the block which is fairly low impact. It's so easy to rest and recuperate, eat as much as you want and think you can burn it off later. I made that big mistake - doh!!
To summarise, my next surgery is going to be a bilateral lower eyelid reconstruction where she will remove a small amount of skin and remove / smooth out the lumpy area on my left lower eyelid and tighten up the lower eyelid and remove the bulges at the end (which I didn't realise I had! doh!), and inject a tiny amount of coleman fat into my lower eyelids.
She's going to perform a sort of cantopexy on my left lower eyelid to pull it up or fix what the original butcher surgeon did and re my upper eylids, she is going to cut a bit of skin in the creases to lift the upper eyelashes a bit (or something along those lines - until I get her formal letter I am not familiar with the terminology) in both upper eyes and for the left upper eyelid where there has been that crinkly skin cos the original butcher surgeon took out too much fat, I asked her to do some coleman fat transfer from my knee there.
Jane did tell me that she felt coleman fat transfer onto my upper eyelid could feel lumpy and would take a year to settle before any final results could be judged etc. It felt she really wanted me to go with Restylane as that is her speciality but sorrie, I won't touch Restylane mainly cos I've had it before and found Restylane to be lumpy, and looked lumpy plus left bruises on my cheek for ages, I don't like the thought of it hydraulic acid dissolving slowly in my body, and in this case upper eyelid for weeks on end and I don't like the thought of having repeat injections every 6 months or so to top up as Restylane is very expensive.
My crinkly look on my upper left eyelid has sunken even more than it had before and I wonder what it looks like to the untrained eye. I've not noticed any of my work colleagues staring at my eyes since my Y-V Endo Brow Life and Bilateral Upper Eyelid reconstruction which means they're fooled (smiles) into thinking all is well. Whew! That was such a painful period to notice people staring at my eyes and more so flicking away at their own eyes when they could see the lumpy bump on my left lower eyelid - which is not as noticeable as it was before and no one is flicking away at their eye anymore, not even people in the shops and I don't notice it myself too much these days either. So thanks Jane :)
I should have written this on the day of my appt while it was fresh in my mind. Now I'm writing this a few days later, I've lost the flow of words ....
I've been working out to the Biggest Loser DVD the past 3 weeks or so and oh boy, it's hard work! I'm thin for my height but I do have a high fat percentage, as werid as that sounds - about 27% according to my scales! Though that's based on me being 39 and not 41 - so perhaps it's different. I don't know how to change my age on the scale! For the first time in my life my thighs seem to be changing shape (stubborn fatty areas of cellulite!) and also my stomach is toning up. It'd be wonderful at age 41 to finally get a 6 pack and also biceps (smiles)! I'm working on it. I'm also watching my diet and bought a heart rate monitor watch which I couldn't afford to monitor my heart rate and how much fat I burn with different workouts. I'm closing on burning about 2000 calories a week, and working an 11 hour day - not bad! The weight is coming off, but slowly. I just want to tone up and build some muscle. And also increase my stamina as I hadn't worked out since my last surgery with the butcher doctor (ie my original surgeon).
When I finish the next surgery, the intention is to resume working out fairly soon after ie perhaps 4-5 days - only in the sense of walking outside and around the block which is fairly low impact. It's so easy to rest and recuperate, eat as much as you want and think you can burn it off later. I made that big mistake - doh!!
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Another haircut Sat 22nd April 06
This is rushed - I don't have much time to share and will add to it next week. For the moment I wanted to share the latest pix of my eyes at almost 5 months post surgery (wow, time sure flies!).
I had a good day at work on Friday re my hair which seemed to have settled down (I'll post pixs next week - though have posted them on the MMH board). I even got compliments about my new hair style and most said they didn't realise the difference though knew I had had a hair cut. It's all been a bit overwhelming for me. What's been good is that cos I no longer am wearing the wig, I no longer feel fake and am more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin; though at times I look at myself in the mirror, as I do at home, or when I see pictures taken of my face, I'm reminded that my left eye is still *disfigured*. I try not to pay too much attention to it though there are times when it really stands out and I feel like a freak again (sniffles).
I've certainly been going through every emotion there is to have during the past 15 months or so. 6 weeks to go now before my next reconstruction surgery and I'm starting to feel nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Eeeek!
Here's my pix:
It's not a very good picture in that I couldn't get it to enlargen after I'd cropped it (doh!) and it doesn't show up what I'd like it to show so when I describe what I'm describing below, you probably won't be able to notice it; and th eonly thing noticeable is the left eyelashes and the lower lid droop. During next week I'll aim to get a better picture which is larger in size.
The left upper eyelid crease isn't quite right in that it isn't as prominent as the right upper eyelid; the pix is a bit small but if you look closer you'll see that the left upper eyelashes still don't curl like the right upper eyelashes; and the left lower eyelid droop is still fairly bad - it makes my left eye look deformed at times; and the left outer eyelid lump is still there though since the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction, it is much much better. Or perhaps I'm just getting used to it(?).
I had a good day at work on Friday re my hair which seemed to have settled down (I'll post pixs next week - though have posted them on the MMH board). I even got compliments about my new hair style and most said they didn't realise the difference though knew I had had a hair cut. It's all been a bit overwhelming for me. What's been good is that cos I no longer am wearing the wig, I no longer feel fake and am more relaxed and comfortable in my own skin; though at times I look at myself in the mirror, as I do at home, or when I see pictures taken of my face, I'm reminded that my left eye is still *disfigured*. I try not to pay too much attention to it though there are times when it really stands out and I feel like a freak again (sniffles).
I've certainly been going through every emotion there is to have during the past 15 months or so. 6 weeks to go now before my next reconstruction surgery and I'm starting to feel nervous and have butterflies in my stomach. Eeeek!
Here's my pix:
It's not a very good picture in that I couldn't get it to enlargen after I'd cropped it (doh!) and it doesn't show up what I'd like it to show so when I describe what I'm describing below, you probably won't be able to notice it; and th eonly thing noticeable is the left eyelashes and the lower lid droop. During next week I'll aim to get a better picture which is larger in size.
The left upper eyelid crease isn't quite right in that it isn't as prominent as the right upper eyelid; the pix is a bit small but if you look closer you'll see that the left upper eyelashes still don't curl like the right upper eyelashes; and the left lower eyelid droop is still fairly bad - it makes my left eye look deformed at times; and the left outer eyelid lump is still there though since the brow lift and upper eyelid reconstruction, it is much much better. Or perhaps I'm just getting used to it(?).
Monday, April 17, 2006
Hair cut Thurs 12th April 06 & update
I had been planning this on and off for absolutely ages as I hated my wig so much; and finally I decided and went ahead with my plan of getting my hair cut in Blackheath village. The plan was if the hair cut and style didn't work and my thinning and bald areas from the Y-V endo brow lift were still visible, then I would ask him to cut my wig perhaps so that it looked less like dolls hair and more like human hair and/or perhaps buy a new wig in Thurrock Lakeside that looked more like human hair than a wig/dolls hair.
I walked into the hair salon (I won't mention the name just cos I don't really want to) and it was early in the morning about 9.30am - and the place was empty apart from the owner and another guy, who was a junior hairdresser. The owner, M, was adoring himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and had an air of being in love with himself. He didn't even say hello when he strutted up to me and I had to make the first introduction asking if he was M, he said yes.
I felt a little awkward at his arrogance, for use of a word, (it was arrogance but not in a bad way - more in like how gay people think that everyone loves them etc .... he'd been a model in Milan when he was young and probably spent his whole life having people tell him how good he looks etc though he'd put on weight and was no longer a model), but used to the high life.
Anyway I told him I'd had a brow lift and wanted to have my hair cut to hide the incision thinning areas and he seemed to revel at the thought of having a blank palatte to work on, saying he was the best hairdresser ever. He commented that a fringe would suit me and that which I currently had did nothing for my face, which I agreed with. He flicked through some hair magazines and came up with a few hairstyles which he said he wanted to do on me, which looked just like what I had wanted ie the Jennifer Aniston feathered look in front, and I told him I hated my hair being cut straight at the back from left to right and wanted it cut in a kinda V shape, which he agreed with.
I didn't like the girl who washed my hair as she kept splashing water all over my face and kept pulling on my scalp when she was combing my hair. I had to tell her to hold on to my hair while she pulled as that stopped the pain on the scalp. You'd think a hair washer in a salon would know that. Doh!
Anyway he got to work and while I like to just be in my own thoughts while having my hair cut, he talked away about his wonderful life as a model in Milan! It was ok as he was a nice guy but got a bit awkward when he ran out of things to say and I didn't particularly want to share my life with him as I had a feeling he'd tell the whole world and more!
I trusted him to cut my hair as he saw fit, having full confidence in his abilities and then his next customer came in and he hurried up a bit and didn't cut the back of my hair as I'd asked him to. He said that he'd been a little conservative with my fringe and that we can work on it more the next time and for me to tell him in the next few days how it settled down.
He used curlers on my hair which I didn't like and gave me this fancy look which wasn't me. He kept asking me if I liked the end result to which I said I liked the style but preferred my hair straightened and not curled. He asked why in the tone gay guys do - I didn't answer as his ego was hurt as he wanted me so much to like it and I didn't really, not the way he'd finished it.
I couldn't wait to get home to straighten out my hair and see what it really would look like from a practical sense; and whew thankfully it looked fine. I could use more hair on my fringe as it still looks too thin he cut it in a strange way (I can't explain cos I don't know how) - it just still looks a little too thin and next time I'll ask the next hairdresser to fix it so it looks a bit more natural; though it'll do for now.
I went to mom's and she asked immediately if that was my own hair and I said yes, and she said she liked the haircut, which whew is one of the first compliments ever mom has ever given me about my hair. My whole life she's asked me to perm my hair as she thinks it's too thin but she likes my hair as it is now (whew!). She said that it looks just like my wig, albeit shorter and she couldn't really tell the difference. It looks like my wig just cos I have a fringe and the Jennifer Aniston hair curles in the front (I don't know what they're called).
It's been a few days since my hair cut and I've been to Bluewater a few times now and again today and I've gotten a few double takes from young guys (which is flattering). At least I know now that they're doing double takes not cos my hair looks like a wig and/or dolls hair but cos .... errrm, I'm not too sure - perhaps they like my hair(?) .... my eyes stand out(?). Whatever the reason, it's flattering (smiles). Though the guy that did a double take today is like under 20 years of age, and half my age (grins). I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no longer in my twenties and am a grown woman that just hit her forties, though age is just in the mind right? Cos I don't have kids and have not married, I feel young, like I'm still in my 20s and my life hasn't started yet. Perhaps my energy shows that ... I dunno.
Looking at my face over a year and a half ago, before my Isolagen treatment and bleph, hmmm, yup I think I looked my age with my eye bags and jowls etc. (sighs). It does feel good to have 10 years of my life back.
Brow update
I'm still sleeping flat on my back now and have stopped sleeping inclined for a couple of weeks or so. My head no longer hurts when I wake up in the morning ie it used to smart all the time and throb in the mornings and when I'd massage (with my finger tips) my head, it'd really smart though that pain has now gone and it's less sensitive which is sooooo great and such a relief. It's taken four and a half months to get to this stage.
I no longer have those itchy scalp moments where the nerves are regrowing and thankfully I didn't have too many of them in total. Wearing the wig itself was a nightmare as my head and scalp used to suffer and be in pain cos of that. I'm soooooooooo glad I can return to work on Wednesday and no longer wear the wig. It means sooooo much to me. I'll always appreciate my hair now.
My new hairstyle brings out my eyes and cheekbones (and this is what the hairdresser told me which is why he wanted to give me the fringe). My face certainly looks different if the fringe is not there and my eyes look larger and stand out with the fringe there and I like it :) The style could use a little fine tuning as it's not quite 100% to my liking but it'll do for now. I'll probably get it cut and styled again in 3-4 weeks time before my surgery.
Eyes update
My punctal plugs are working well. The first two weeks after insertion were extremely difficult to get used to though now they've settled down well. I still sleep with my eyes open as I wake up with dry eyes still though it's much better now as it doesn't take as long as it used to for my eyes to moisten up again. It's definitely made a huge difference.
Nourkrin tablets
It's been about 8 weeks or so now since I've been taking the Nourkrin tablets and for me I feel they've been a big help towards my hair becoming thicker even though I don't think I was supposed to see results that fast or early. I definitely have new baby hair (though I'm sure the Nourkrin site doesn't say anything about Nourkin helping hair grow(?) - only makes it thicker) ... I need to go read it again.
My incision lines are still there but much hidden and the areas are still thinned but hair (baby hair) is growing around them. The way my new hair cut is styled easily hides the incision areas and also I purchased some organic eye shadow in powder form from http://theremustbeabetterway.co.uk and it does wonders in helping to hide the red incision areas (I wish I had bought the eye shadow powder earlier though I believe I did want to but they were out of stock for a while).
I'm still suffering from thrush just before my period which is worrying that the antibiotics and steroids are still having an effect on my body. I've purchased some organic ointment from http://www.theremustbeabetterway.co.uk containing Manuka Oil etc especially for candida and it is helping enormously. Stung like crazy the first time I used it but it's a huge relief now. I must tell Jane so she can avoid using the same antibiotics on me during my next surgery and hopefully avoid steroids altogether.
I've been feeling flabby for a while even though I'm 5 foot 5 and a half and weigh 8 stone 6 (I am underweight as for my height I should be 9 stone 2 pounds) but I want to lose about 5 pounds to get to 8 stone 2 or even 8 stones - give or take. I want to tone up my flabby areas and I've found much inspiration in watching The Biggest Loser Series II and even went out to purchase the Biggest Loser workout which oh my gawd is something else! It's HARD work!!! I take my hat off to those contestants who can take those workouts and even the low impact workout had me out of breath today!! Awesome! I love being inspired by others and learning and growing!
I hope to be at an ideal weight and shape by the time of my surgery in June, which is about seven weeks away now. I'm working out about 5 days a week (sometimes 4 if there's just no time cos I've worked long hours and am really sleepy). For a while I was just using my cyberrider to burn away calories but now that my Biggest Loser workout has arrived I've started using the DVD and it's just awesome!
I also found out yesterday while logging on to NBC.com that Matt and Suzy have gotten engaged (auwwww!). How wonderful! And they're so young! They're only 29 years old! I thought they were both in their 30s .... gee! Very inspirational!
Working out with the Biggest Loser DVD has given me inner strength and I love how my body feels after. And it's amazing that the workouts only last half an hour and yet geez, the workout is really tough! Great to use if you're pushed for time. I can see results happening to my body in the next 2-3 weeks if I'm consistent with the workouts and once I get to where I want to be then the rest is maintenance. It's really tough for me to find time to workout when I'm working such long hours as I try to get in my 8 hours of sleep as well which I never make and I get 6 hours if I'm lucky.
My appt with Jane is in about 3 weeks time and I'm looking forward to it very much.
I walked into the hair salon (I won't mention the name just cos I don't really want to) and it was early in the morning about 9.30am - and the place was empty apart from the owner and another guy, who was a junior hairdresser. The owner, M, was adoring himself in the mirror, fixing his hair and had an air of being in love with himself. He didn't even say hello when he strutted up to me and I had to make the first introduction asking if he was M, he said yes.
I felt a little awkward at his arrogance, for use of a word, (it was arrogance but not in a bad way - more in like how gay people think that everyone loves them etc .... he'd been a model in Milan when he was young and probably spent his whole life having people tell him how good he looks etc though he'd put on weight and was no longer a model), but used to the high life.
Anyway I told him I'd had a brow lift and wanted to have my hair cut to hide the incision thinning areas and he seemed to revel at the thought of having a blank palatte to work on, saying he was the best hairdresser ever. He commented that a fringe would suit me and that which I currently had did nothing for my face, which I agreed with. He flicked through some hair magazines and came up with a few hairstyles which he said he wanted to do on me, which looked just like what I had wanted ie the Jennifer Aniston feathered look in front, and I told him I hated my hair being cut straight at the back from left to right and wanted it cut in a kinda V shape, which he agreed with.
I didn't like the girl who washed my hair as she kept splashing water all over my face and kept pulling on my scalp when she was combing my hair. I had to tell her to hold on to my hair while she pulled as that stopped the pain on the scalp. You'd think a hair washer in a salon would know that. Doh!
Anyway he got to work and while I like to just be in my own thoughts while having my hair cut, he talked away about his wonderful life as a model in Milan! It was ok as he was a nice guy but got a bit awkward when he ran out of things to say and I didn't particularly want to share my life with him as I had a feeling he'd tell the whole world and more!
I trusted him to cut my hair as he saw fit, having full confidence in his abilities and then his next customer came in and he hurried up a bit and didn't cut the back of my hair as I'd asked him to. He said that he'd been a little conservative with my fringe and that we can work on it more the next time and for me to tell him in the next few days how it settled down.
He used curlers on my hair which I didn't like and gave me this fancy look which wasn't me. He kept asking me if I liked the end result to which I said I liked the style but preferred my hair straightened and not curled. He asked why in the tone gay guys do - I didn't answer as his ego was hurt as he wanted me so much to like it and I didn't really, not the way he'd finished it.
I couldn't wait to get home to straighten out my hair and see what it really would look like from a practical sense; and whew thankfully it looked fine. I could use more hair on my fringe as it still looks too thin he cut it in a strange way (I can't explain cos I don't know how) - it just still looks a little too thin and next time I'll ask the next hairdresser to fix it so it looks a bit more natural; though it'll do for now.
I went to mom's and she asked immediately if that was my own hair and I said yes, and she said she liked the haircut, which whew is one of the first compliments ever mom has ever given me about my hair. My whole life she's asked me to perm my hair as she thinks it's too thin but she likes my hair as it is now (whew!). She said that it looks just like my wig, albeit shorter and she couldn't really tell the difference. It looks like my wig just cos I have a fringe and the Jennifer Aniston hair curles in the front (I don't know what they're called).
It's been a few days since my hair cut and I've been to Bluewater a few times now and again today and I've gotten a few double takes from young guys (which is flattering). At least I know now that they're doing double takes not cos my hair looks like a wig and/or dolls hair but cos .... errrm, I'm not too sure - perhaps they like my hair(?) .... my eyes stand out(?). Whatever the reason, it's flattering (smiles). Though the guy that did a double take today is like under 20 years of age, and half my age (grins). I have to remind myself sometimes that I'm no longer in my twenties and am a grown woman that just hit her forties, though age is just in the mind right? Cos I don't have kids and have not married, I feel young, like I'm still in my 20s and my life hasn't started yet. Perhaps my energy shows that ... I dunno.
Looking at my face over a year and a half ago, before my Isolagen treatment and bleph, hmmm, yup I think I looked my age with my eye bags and jowls etc. (sighs). It does feel good to have 10 years of my life back.
Brow update
I'm still sleeping flat on my back now and have stopped sleeping inclined for a couple of weeks or so. My head no longer hurts when I wake up in the morning ie it used to smart all the time and throb in the mornings and when I'd massage (with my finger tips) my head, it'd really smart though that pain has now gone and it's less sensitive which is sooooo great and such a relief. It's taken four and a half months to get to this stage.
I no longer have those itchy scalp moments where the nerves are regrowing and thankfully I didn't have too many of them in total. Wearing the wig itself was a nightmare as my head and scalp used to suffer and be in pain cos of that. I'm soooooooooo glad I can return to work on Wednesday and no longer wear the wig. It means sooooo much to me. I'll always appreciate my hair now.
My new hairstyle brings out my eyes and cheekbones (and this is what the hairdresser told me which is why he wanted to give me the fringe). My face certainly looks different if the fringe is not there and my eyes look larger and stand out with the fringe there and I like it :) The style could use a little fine tuning as it's not quite 100% to my liking but it'll do for now. I'll probably get it cut and styled again in 3-4 weeks time before my surgery.
Eyes update
My punctal plugs are working well. The first two weeks after insertion were extremely difficult to get used to though now they've settled down well. I still sleep with my eyes open as I wake up with dry eyes still though it's much better now as it doesn't take as long as it used to for my eyes to moisten up again. It's definitely made a huge difference.
Nourkrin tablets
It's been about 8 weeks or so now since I've been taking the Nourkrin tablets and for me I feel they've been a big help towards my hair becoming thicker even though I don't think I was supposed to see results that fast or early. I definitely have new baby hair (though I'm sure the Nourkrin site doesn't say anything about Nourkin helping hair grow(?) - only makes it thicker) ... I need to go read it again.
My incision lines are still there but much hidden and the areas are still thinned but hair (baby hair) is growing around them. The way my new hair cut is styled easily hides the incision areas and also I purchased some organic eye shadow in powder form from http://theremustbeabetterway.co.uk and it does wonders in helping to hide the red incision areas (I wish I had bought the eye shadow powder earlier though I believe I did want to but they were out of stock for a while).
I'm still suffering from thrush just before my period which is worrying that the antibiotics and steroids are still having an effect on my body. I've purchased some organic ointment from http://www.theremustbeabetterway.co.uk containing Manuka Oil etc especially for candida and it is helping enormously. Stung like crazy the first time I used it but it's a huge relief now. I must tell Jane so she can avoid using the same antibiotics on me during my next surgery and hopefully avoid steroids altogether.
I've been feeling flabby for a while even though I'm 5 foot 5 and a half and weigh 8 stone 6 (I am underweight as for my height I should be 9 stone 2 pounds) but I want to lose about 5 pounds to get to 8 stone 2 or even 8 stones - give or take. I want to tone up my flabby areas and I've found much inspiration in watching The Biggest Loser Series II and even went out to purchase the Biggest Loser workout which oh my gawd is something else! It's HARD work!!! I take my hat off to those contestants who can take those workouts and even the low impact workout had me out of breath today!! Awesome! I love being inspired by others and learning and growing!
I hope to be at an ideal weight and shape by the time of my surgery in June, which is about seven weeks away now. I'm working out about 5 days a week (sometimes 4 if there's just no time cos I've worked long hours and am really sleepy). For a while I was just using my cyberrider to burn away calories but now that my Biggest Loser workout has arrived I've started using the DVD and it's just awesome!
I also found out yesterday while logging on to NBC.com that Matt and Suzy have gotten engaged (auwwww!). How wonderful! And they're so young! They're only 29 years old! I thought they were both in their 30s .... gee! Very inspirational!
Working out with the Biggest Loser DVD has given me inner strength and I love how my body feels after. And it's amazing that the workouts only last half an hour and yet geez, the workout is really tough! Great to use if you're pushed for time. I can see results happening to my body in the next 2-3 weeks if I'm consistent with the workouts and once I get to where I want to be then the rest is maintenance. It's really tough for me to find time to workout when I'm working such long hours as I try to get in my 8 hours of sleep as well which I never make and I get 6 hours if I'm lucky.
My appt with Jane is in about 3 weeks time and I'm looking forward to it very much.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
9 weeks to go before my next reconstruction surgery
I'm now at the 4 and a half months post surgery mark. I'm still suffering from thrush even though I'm doing all I can to help prevent it including taking probiotics. I can feel it coming on again though it's not as strong an attack so maybe the probiotics are helping after all; and hopefully perhaps it won't come on and will just pass through. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed. I have purchased some more Vagiclear or whatever it's call which is a course of 10 days and will start to use that tonite.
I've been keeping my head low and working hard both at work and at home. I'm getting up extra early to make my breakfast and lunch and going to work extra early, coming home, working out, shower, protein shake and head for bed and its the same thing next day. I've been inspired by The Biggest Loser Series II, and admire all of the folk on there who've showed such determination to lose weight and how far they have come. Hey the guy that came in second even had a six pack on his stomach - now that's awesome!! I may be skinny but I have flab in lots of places which I need to tone up; and when I had my BUPA assessment last year, they said I needed to build up muscle tone.
I've lost a couple of pounds and my jeans feel lose again and it feels great. I also like that I get so tired after I work out and I fall asleep almost instantly. I'm trying to get 8 hours but I end up with about 7 or 6 hours sleep. At least it's better than what the bankers get at work as they get 2-3 hours if they are lucky - though they're only 23 years old plus and analysts. I've done my time at the bank the past 10 years and have done my all nighters.
I'm still keeping a low profile from my best friend and others as I need to take care of myself for a while. I'm still in a delicate space and it's like if I go back to those old haunts, I'll get dragged back into that black hole again and I don't want to go there again. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I still hate wearing my wig to work as I swear it looks to me to be so obvious that it's a wig even though I still get compliments and people ask me whether it's my natural hair colour etc. (sighs). I've got 9 weeks to go wearing the wig as I checked my hair condition and while my hair is much better, I'm still not confident to not wear the wig just yet as my eyes are fairly obvious when I'm not wearing my wig in that currently my fringe in wig helps hide my eyes and if I stopped wearing the wig right now, my left eye droop and my upper eyelid crinkle etc are fairly noticeable and I can't bear people staring at me again so I think I may need to wait till my next surgery reconstruction is over before I stop wearing my wig.
I so wanted to stop wearing my wig after the easter weekend. I wanted to have a new hair cut and then go back to work with it and hope it hides my eyes somehow. I may try to do that ... we'll see. I don't even know where to go to get my hair cut.
Time for bed / Indi
I've been keeping my head low and working hard both at work and at home. I'm getting up extra early to make my breakfast and lunch and going to work extra early, coming home, working out, shower, protein shake and head for bed and its the same thing next day. I've been inspired by The Biggest Loser Series II, and admire all of the folk on there who've showed such determination to lose weight and how far they have come. Hey the guy that came in second even had a six pack on his stomach - now that's awesome!! I may be skinny but I have flab in lots of places which I need to tone up; and when I had my BUPA assessment last year, they said I needed to build up muscle tone.
I've lost a couple of pounds and my jeans feel lose again and it feels great. I also like that I get so tired after I work out and I fall asleep almost instantly. I'm trying to get 8 hours but I end up with about 7 or 6 hours sleep. At least it's better than what the bankers get at work as they get 2-3 hours if they are lucky - though they're only 23 years old plus and analysts. I've done my time at the bank the past 10 years and have done my all nighters.
I'm still keeping a low profile from my best friend and others as I need to take care of myself for a while. I'm still in a delicate space and it's like if I go back to those old haunts, I'll get dragged back into that black hole again and I don't want to go there again. I'm not sure what the future holds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I still hate wearing my wig to work as I swear it looks to me to be so obvious that it's a wig even though I still get compliments and people ask me whether it's my natural hair colour etc. (sighs). I've got 9 weeks to go wearing the wig as I checked my hair condition and while my hair is much better, I'm still not confident to not wear the wig just yet as my eyes are fairly obvious when I'm not wearing my wig in that currently my fringe in wig helps hide my eyes and if I stopped wearing the wig right now, my left eye droop and my upper eyelid crinkle etc are fairly noticeable and I can't bear people staring at me again so I think I may need to wait till my next surgery reconstruction is over before I stop wearing my wig.
I so wanted to stop wearing my wig after the easter weekend. I wanted to have a new hair cut and then go back to work with it and hope it hides my eyes somehow. I may try to do that ... we'll see. I don't even know where to go to get my hair cut.
Time for bed / Indi
Thursday, March 23, 2006
4 month mark post surgery (Thurs 23rd March 06)
I think I'm at the 4 month post surgery mark this week ... awesome!
I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.
I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.
I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.
Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.
The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).
One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).
Nite
Indi
I still feel like I want to hide from confrontation ... I feel I can't deal with it and I don't want to deal with it .... I feel it wastes too much of my energy that I need for my own self healing emotionally, physically and mentally. I'm a Type 9 on the Enneagram http://www.enneagraminstitute.com and we Type 9's, whom are the Peacemakers just don't like confrontation and strive for peace of mind at all times .. which can be to our detriment. For what it's worth, the Dalai Lama is also a Type 9 on the Enneagram.
I am taking more care of myself and my needs and taking care of the problems that have posed themselves in my lives - ie work and the overwhelm I've felt from overload, well I've been arriving at work at 6.30am and getting 2 hours plus worth of quality time in to catch up on my backlog in peace and quiet and it's been a slice of heaven. I've cut off contact from people and places that I feel drained by (albeit I've shared here and there and then I see snippets of what turned me off in the first place and I just want to run the other way and not get dragged back into that space where I don't want to be ....) and I'm feeling and doing much better.
I feel I've gone through a depression period since this last surgery and wonder if it's the medication and / or how my transformation is coming along and how I look at myself in the mirror, seeing myself have to wear false hair in the form of a wig the past 3 months, to look at my eyes and see the difference, parts of which I like very much and yet I still see reminders of what needs to be fixed in my left eye which upsets me a lot at times as I feel ugly - and yet at the same time I need to remind myself that only I can see these deformities and that the normal eye can't quite see them anymore this time around - and only a trained eye can and/or someone who knows what they're looking for and/or stares at my eyes.
Having my hormones be in turmoil hasn't helped - having thrush hasn't helped nor has having breakouts in the form of acne ... all of which have lowered my self esteem. Waking up every morning and feeling how my head feels - all achy and tender to touch, and the same with my eyes is a constant reminder that I've had major surgery and I can't wait for the next two months to hurry past so that my next surgery is here and I can finally finish my final journey to my transformation and reconstruction and be able to live my life again and please please please, to finally be able to be me again and not have to wear a wig to work. I hate wearing the wig .... people love it but I don't. I hate wearing it and I hate not being able to run my fingers through my hair and I hate how my head feels underneath as it is all sore and tender especially when I remove my wig .... I do try and think of the good of the wig in that it is helping my scalp heal and also protects my head from the wind and cold and is helping my hair to heal while that grows back too.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. One day at a time, and right now it's time for me to catch some zzzzzzzzzzzz's.
The date of my next consult with Jane has now changed from 26th April to 3rd May (I think it's the 3rd anyway).
One piece of good news I had last week was that BUPA contributed a percentage towards my upper eyelid reconstruction surgery (smiles) 9about a third; and that was such wonderful news to me; so I've submitted in the hospital costs which were fairly extensive and hope perhaps they will cover a portion of that too and reimburse me whatever they feel is appropriate. The original BUPA consultant I had spoken with obviously got her information incorrect. This has been a huge relief off my mind as the financial worry of paying back the debt that I've accumulated from paying for my last reconstructive surgery has been overwhelming and contributing towards my stress. Thank you Universe :).
Nite
Indi
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thurs 16th March 06
I'm losing track of time now - I think I'm on week 15 post surgery, which is three months and three weeks.
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Another rollercoaster in my life this week. Monday as soon as I got to work at just after 8am, one of my bosses', a group head, was already in the office and had left me a presentation to do. I had to send my sister details of my bank account as she was paying for my mother's ticket to Singapore in a few weeks and while I was emailing her, my boss, per usual, walked up past me into his office and made a comment, which really pissed me off, as the comment was to the effect that I should be getting started on the presentation.
My tolerance level is at an all time low as it is and I was feeling extremely upset all day, felt taken for granted as I'm the best assistant in the whole of the banking floor, and it's like ever since my boss, the group head was told this, he's been expecting more of me. I'm already giving like 150% at work, and it's like the more I give, the more he expects and his expections are extremely high. I just couldn't take anymore of it and the stress is causing me to break out which makes my self esteem drop and on Tuesday, I had a huge cyst on the side of my face and just couldn't face going into work with everyone staring at me and feeling sorry for me as I'm in a high profile job; and so took the day off work, and on Weds it still hadn't cleared and I was still suffering from work related stress and have taken the whole week off, so that I can focus on giving myself reiki healing and also homeopathic treatment for my cyst and meditating to help ease the stress; and today I listened to Louise Hay's stress free affirmations CD which I hadn't listened to for years and her voice has an instant calming effect on me and the stress and tension off my shoulders seems to have melted away. I've also started using the Dermalux Lamp again to help heal my cyst and that's helping too. http://www.dermalux.co.uk.
What's wrong with me? Work related stress? Yup! I feel taken for granted, expectations are too high and I've no more to give right now and need to take care of me.
Out of this good has come as I have been giving it some thought on how to help ease the tension at work and I can go to work early ie 8am which will give me an hour before anyone is in and clear some workload before the phones go crazy, work till 6pm or 5.30pm and come in on Sundays for 3-4 hours to clear all my backlog which tends to pile up in the work week without the distraction of demanding bankers and ringing phones /clients. Sorted! (smiles). And I get paid double time on weekends so it helps pay off my debts too and everyone is happy - voila!! I hope to put it in plan this Sunday when I will go into work to clear up my expenses for the bankers and other administrative tasks as I take care of the cost savings for the group.
Eyes
My left upper eyelid which had been suffering from that crinkly look for a while has suddenly seemed to take a drastic change in that it went deeper, like a deeper hollow for a while and all of a sudden yesterday or last night the look is different and my upper eyelid seems to be changing to get a curve again .... I'm taking it in my stride though am intrigued by it and wonder if it'll continue changing and it will mean I won't need any fat transfer there? Interesting.
My upper eyelids always tend to hurt when I wake in the morning in that they smart to touch and my head incisions also smart.
I still hate my hairstyle.
Oh I went round to mom's yesterday and I wasn't feeling well and for some strange reason she came up to me and tried to remove my hat wanting to look at my forehead. Eeek! I didn't have my wig on and immediately pushed her hand away and stood up. She asked if I was ok, and I said yes, fine. I'm sure she's now really curious as to what I'm hiding and will continue to try and figure out what's under my hat!!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Week 14 (end of) : Sun 12th March 06
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery in Jan 06
Pix taken Feb 062 months post surgery
Pix taken Sun 12 March 06
3 months and 2 weeks post surgery.
Pix taken 6 weeks post surgery (Jan 06) eyes closed
14 weeks (Mar 06) eyes closed. Much improvement, thankfully! Though there's still lagophthalmos of about 3mm in left eye and 1mm in right eye.
Today is the end of my two and a half month post surgery period, Sun 12th March 06.
I feel extremely sad, upset and disappointed looking at how my hairstyle is as I do not like it ... I actually hate it. I hate my fringe and I hate the way the hairdresser cut the back of my hair which is all straight without any feathering, which it had before and even my wig looks much better at the end as it looks like the hair is feathered at the end, unlike my normal hair.
My incisions lines are healing and hair is growing slowly back and each day and week it gets much better with more hair growing and I'm able to find more hair parting now, which is great; though my fringe lets me down as does my hair style which I hate and I am seriously considering finding a hairdresser (which will be tricky as I don't have one and the last time I had my hair cut, apart from the a**hole who cut it in Feb and gave me a fringe was about 2-3 years ago and they've shut down (I had my hair cut there for 5 years - I used to have it really short, like a boy).
I think my mind is made up and I'm going to have my hair cut short again - in a style similar to Debbie's as that's how my hair was before (kinda) and trim off a few more inches perhaps if needed to get rid of the straight line that the a**hole hairdresser from that saloon in Blackheath gave me. If you look at all the hairstyles where people have extensions, the back of their hair looks like how mine currently is .... straight line and yukky.
Punctal Plugs
I seem to be getting used to my punctal plugs and they're not giving me as hard a time as they did in the beginning. Perhaps that was an adjustment period(?). But I seem to be ok with them now. I'll take it day by day and see how it goes. Jane did say that I can always take them out myself if they got really bad.
Eyes
When I look at myself in the mirror when cleansing my face daily in the am and pm, I do like what I see, eye wise and yesterday I noticed that the lump in my left eye wasn't as prominent as it used to be and seems to be getting smaller, though when I smile, it protrudes out a lot still. When I touch it, it feels all gritty underneath and lumpy, not how an eye is supposed to feel.
Changes
Lots of changes happening in my life. M.R. called from Florida yesterday after almost a year of not hearing from him. He moved from England to Florida about 15 months ago. I've known him for 5 years since we did a workshop together and he's been after me all that time, trying all the tricks in the book to seduce me. I never knew how to tell him I wasn't interested as I didn't want to hurt his feelings and would just ignore his advances. Till yesterday.... the subject came up and I told him that while he was attractive and there has been chemistry between us, it didn't mean that I wanted to sleep with him, as he was married first of all, and I didn't want to be another trophy in the line of women he had slept with during his marriage. I said I viewed him as a good friend and that was it. I had no intentions of wanting to have a physical relationship with him. He was quite taken aback and I don't think I'll ever hear from him again.
K.P, an ex boyfriend who I broke up with 20 years ago has for the past 20 years been harassing me in one way or another, pretending to be my friend while having the ulterior motive of wanting to rekindle a physical relationship with me, even though he's married with kids, he's another guy who has affairs outside his marriage. I've tried everything I can in the past 20 years to tell him I'm not interested, and have avoided his phone calls though after 6 months to a year or so he'll call back again and keep trying and pretending to be my friend. This time, I've had enough of the "GroundHog day" events with us and have avoided his phone calls the past 3 weeks or so and just delete his voicemails when I hear his name. He calls me at least 4 times a week, if not more. Sometimes 3 times a day.
The reason these guys keep sniffing around is cos I'm still single (story of my life) and they think (in their weird male minds) that they have a chance of getting intimate cos I don't have a man around. I hate the way this works as I have to literally be a recluse in my house at times as if I go out, there's a young 18 year old boy across the road who's got a huge crush on me and he keeps coming up and asking if he can help me decorate etc and won't take no for an answer no matter how firm I am. And there's Postman P who has been stalking me for 16 years, and he too will wait outside my house and if I am out there, will pounce etc and things get so uncomfortable as he's totally in love with me. Those who've been stalked will understand.
Thou I feel a shift now finally and I'm backing away from all people and places in my life that I feel drained by etc and taking care of myelf for a while and learn the skills to take care of myself.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Endorphins :)
I wasn't going to post tonite as I'd run out of time and it's time for bed though I'd just posted to Suz at the Make Me Heal Board and was inspired to share a little more here (smiles).
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Today was a rough day, another one in this long week. The energy at work feels weird and my period is due and I'm in the mode where I want to eat anything and everything and had a baked potato with everything I could think of on it (grins), ie tuna with peppers, mayo, cheese and more peppers (smiles) and I ate every single morsel :) Then BN who's leaving the team this week bought some Dunkin Donuts for the group and I had one and a bit (grins) and then I had a bag of chocolates and some crisps also for breakfast. Hey! Aren't I supposed to be on a diet (grins). I'm trying to lose 5 pounds. I'd feel much better in my clothes if I did. Anymore than 5 pounds and I'll be too skinny and lose my butt shape and other feminine areas.
I felt really tired when I got home but I was determined to work out as I hadn't since Monday and I made an extra effort to use my Reebok Cyberrider while watching The Biggest Loser on tv. Before you think I'm the same size as those on there (grins), I'm 5 feet 5 and a half and weight about 8 stone and 7 pounds which is probably like 115-120 pounds? I'm not too sure of the conversion - probably about 52-54 kg. I'm underweight for my height but I have flab in the wrong areas and I just want to tone up. I went to a BUPA medical check up last year when I was 40 and they told me that I needed to put on some muscle tone which I totally agree with though I'm not quite ready to do my weight training regime yet as I want to build up my stamina first.
I'm feeling frustrated with one of my bosses as he keeps coming up to my desk when I'm doing something personal which today was booking my mother's flight to Singapore. I just feel guilty as he keeps catching me doing it; not that I'm doing anything wrong cos hey he does personal things too - we all do. Another guy in the team keeps doing this too - it's like when I'm working my butt off really hard and am up to my neck in things, they don't seem to come up and the minute I take 5 minutes off to do something personal, they're on my back, like vultures, sniffing around. Darn. It's also like they have really high expectations of me and expect me to be this top notch PA all the time and to not relax and to always work, work, work. I feel tired of their expectations of me and wish they'd cut me some slack cos I'm already working at 150% + capacity and there's only so much more I can do and take before I burst.
I washed my hair tonite and was looking at my parting and it's looking much better. The hair is growing though there's still a way to go yet. My fringe is growing though not fast enough for me. Perhaps in another 4-6 weeks it'll be at the length I'd like it to be at. I don't know - we'll have to see.
I booked my 3 weeks off work for my surgery in June and the other girls in the team were a bit suspicious as only yesterday I went to see Jane, which they knew about and they were asking questions like what I was going to do on my holiday and I just said I was going to do some yoga workshops, which I am, though at the very last weekend of my 3 weeks off.
I'm still feeling off sorts but working out today on the cyber-rider was wonderful and I felt great afterwards and was really pleased that I took the time out and got on that bike, as when I feel good about myself physically inside, I feel better and can think straight; and would love to workout for 2 hours a day. That's a luxury :) I am aiming to work out 5 days a week, if not 6, though with my period due, my hormones go haywire and I just wanna eat (bleh) and get tired inside and my stomach feels bloated with retaining water.
My right eye felt weird today as I noticed that I can't lift my upper eyelid too well. This is the eye which had the ptosis repair with that first surgeon. It still can't open as high as the left upper eyelid and I have a sneaky feeling that this will always be the case - I need to remember to mention this to Jane.
My left upper eyelid seems to be getting more hollow (sighs) .... I wonder what Jane will say about this at my next consult. She's so keen for me to have Restylane but I won't do it. Her assistant told me that Jane does her Isolagen injections at the Western Eye Hospital which is such a trek for me and it's a NHS hospital with not so good facilities.
Financially woah, as my punctal plugs was done as a day case, BUPA said they would not pay for it at the Western Eye Hospital cos it wasn't a registered hospital or something along those lines and I needed to have it done at another hospital but of course, Jane's assistant didn't get this information to me in spite of my sending her emails and leaving voicemails (the administration there is not very good and something I'm not happy about). So this means that as I found out on the day at the Western Eye hospital that it was a day case, I'm having to pay an extra £230 out of my own pocket which is a lot of money especially as this year I'm having to pay the first £100 excess for Jane's consults and I think all her consults are £175 (ouch) whether it's 5 mins or 30 mins. These monies all add up and I'm way over my head in my credit card bills and in 3 months time I'll have to find another £1,800 towards my fat transfer and a little of the lower eyelid reconstruction fees.
So, while my prosperity consciousness is in full mode, I'm still worried. I'm keeping up my prosperity treatments though need to stay away from my best friend as I feel very drained by her as her prosperity consciousness is one of the biggest factors in my feeling upset around her as while she keeps denying it, she believes in lack of prosperity and has no abundance at all and hoards everything, feeling that there isn't enough and it drives me crazy as she's sooooooo opposite to me and yet is in denial about it and claims that she wants to be prosperous and is working at it and yet everything she does and says and things and speaks says the opposite. She is heading for trouble and if I'm right, she'll lose her house in the next few months as she's spending more money than she has and cannot afford to repay it at all. I just can't be around her as I feel drained totally. I need to be around like minded people with an abundance of love, understanding, compassion and prosperity .
Enough said for now.... I need to get some sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzz
Hugz
Indi
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Follow up consult with Jane Olver : Tues 7th March 06
I'm on my three and a half month period post surgery. Week 14 post surgery this week.
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Today I had my consult with Jane Olver 2 weeks post my punctal plugs. I was running late due to traffic and Jane was about to leave when I arrived as she had to catch a plane. She was going to Geneva for 3 weeks - she's always heading off somewhere ! :) Luckily I just caught her and we spent a little time going through how I've been with my punctal plugs. I summarised all that had been happening and she took notes; and then examined me. She did note that the left plug was slightly protruding which is why I could feel it and I think she said there were a couple of scratches etc. All in all my eyes have had a weird time as some days they can't take the plugs and other days they're perfectly normal, like today, though today I can feel the left plug a little.
Jane was suggesting putting in upper plugs as well but when she examined me she said my eyes were watery enough and there was no need. She didn't talk about removing the current plugs though said that if I ever felt they were too uncomfortable, I could pull them out myself. I'll see how it goes as since I discovered that using extra Lacrilube at night really helps, things have been more bearable and the mornings are great in that my eyes aren't as dry as they always have been and only take a few blinks before they are watered. Before, they'd be blurred for ages and ages with me constantly blinking.
Jane examined my eyes and said that my left eye still has about 3mm lagophthalmus and right eye about 1mm approx and this is a huge cause of my left eye dryness and problems which I agree with. It wasn't this bad before the original surgery though my 1st surgeon at Blackheath Hospital has made things much worst for me especially after the canthopexy which was in July last year (2005) and has made absolutely no difference whatsoever.
Jane was really rushing and said that as she had to catch a plane, that we'd set a date and time for another appointment to discuss the details of my next surgery. I understood as I preferred that she'd be able to spend time to focus on me rather than rushing as mistakes are always done when rushing (usually anyway). We did agree however a date for my lower eyelid surgery, which will be the date of my choice, ie Monday 5th June 2006. Yeah! So I have about 11 weeks to wait before my lower eyelid reconstruction (bilateral) and my fat transfer hopefully to my lower eyelids and also my left upper eyelid.
I forgot to mention to Jane that I've been suffering the past 3 months from severe thrush (oh boy) and while Vagiclear has been helping, it hasn't eradicated it while I'm taking the course of medication (which lasts 10 days). It's more the area outside that gets extremely red and painful - I will do more research online to see if I can find anything holistic to massage onto the area and/or if there are any recommendations. Yoghurt would probably help though that's really messy. I don't have problems inside the yoni (sanskrit word for vagina) as the Vagiclear takes care of that - it's just the outside which is strangely (to me) inflamed. Even if Jane and/or my doctor prescribed medication, I wouldn't take medication and would still search for a holistic way to heal the thrush as conventional medicine only serves to surpress the condition and not heal it from within. I have given myself some reiki in the area though as time is limited, I've only been able to give myself small quick treatments which do work as I can feel the energy there.
Jane noted that my left eye still has problems closing, which I totally agree with. It's an effort to close my left eye and blink whereas my right eye closes and blinks naturally.
I've noticed something funny the past few days - in that when I use my eyeliner on my upper eyelids, my scalp starts to tickle and tingle. Very weird sensation! Jane said my nerves are returning as the areas are connected to each other. It's really weird cos you touch one area and another area tingles and tickles - kinda like touching your feet and your nose itches or something like that!
I'm scheduled to see Jane on April the 28th if I recall properly for my next consult.
At least now I can book my 3 week annual leave from the office and plan ahead and get the ball rolling which is great.
Wig
I wore my wig to my appt and Jane said she loved it and that if I hadn't told her it was a wig, she wouldn't have known. I told her that I still wasn't comfortable showing my own hair cos though the Y-V incision areas are growing hair, it's still in it's early stages and I'm more comfortable hiding behind the wig. Jane was fine with this though said it was a shame to hide my natural hair.
Jane took a look at my incision lines and confirmed the hair was growing back on the left and right and a bit slower in the middle but that it was growing there too; and said that in a few months (eeek) from now, it should all be fully healed. I told her I was taking Nourkrin but that it wasn't a medication but rather a supplement. I don't think she'd heard of it. She then talked about a product that helps eyelashes to grow and I mentioned that my lower left eyelashes had almost been bald since my first surgeon operated on my eye and she asked me to remind her to tell her what the product is as it could perhaps help.
Talking of wigs, did I mention that I bumped into an assistant today I hadn't seen for a while - and one whom usually always asks about my eyes when she sees me and she did the same today though as soon as I said fine, she started commenting on my hair and how she didn't recognise me, and that she loved it. She is a black girl and herself wears wigs/extensions etc. I whispered to her that it was extensions and she continued to say she loved it and that she loved the colour and to keep it up as it made me look 10-15 years younger! Wow! I was floored by that and felt very humbled. I was speechless and could only look at her and smile to express my thanks. She walked away continuing to express her praises saying she wouldn't lie to me and was telling the truth that I looked so much younger and wonderful .... wow! I found it humbling though at the same time hard to grasp and sink in ... thinking inside..... is it me she's talking about? Wow!
Jane's secretary today asked me when I was making my appts whether anyone had said anything and I replied that most people talked about my hair and I had a few people do second takes and I was finding it very confusing as it's new to me to have cute guys do second takes especially when I'm feeling extremely very self conscious about my wig and feeling dreadful inside my body ie the pain and discomfort of the browlift and the dry eyes, and the healing process and also the emotional and mental trauma along with the thrush discomfort etc which all plays a huge part; and when one is feeling all these things inside - to have stranger smile and do second takes is to me "huh"? What are they looking at cos I feel like crap!!
I do try and make an effort to dress up at work in feminine clothes lately (as I'm a kinda tom boy and like to dress in men's trousers and white shirts (grins) - though lately have been wearing skirts and blouses. This brings me more attention and smiles from the guys in my team (grins) - which is nice cos they talk to me and smile ... whereas before they'd just walk pass and smile differently .... hmmmm interesting.
If this attention is all just cos of the wig, I sure will miss it when I return to my normal dull boring hair (grins) though I intend to have it cut and styled to a Jennifer Aniston look - I like Debbie's hairstyle from MMH (smiles)!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Week 13 : Sat 4th March 2006
I'm just over the three month and one week post surgery mark this week.
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
The temp LS left on Monday and I feel much better as R talks less and the two new other assistants who time share are much more mature in their 30s, with children and are focused more on their work than gossiping. It's a big weight off my mind as the atmosphere for me was just getting really traumatic and even R, the other assistant, was beginning to get affected by it, as she was very influenced by LS.
My tolerance levels are still low, though they're improving as I'm spending time in taking care of my needs and nurturing myself with exercise after work and meditating, and also taking time out from people and places that I feel drained by - I feel extremely vulnerable. I'm' taking it one day at a time and am on the right track though it's sad that I have to leave behind those that I care about ie friends. I just need to spend the time and focus on myself and my healing right now if I am to heal from this emotionally, mentally and physically.
Listening is a great skill many could learn. Right now I keep encountering judgement, unsolicited advice, more judgement, patterns and I do not feel safe to share who I am and my beliefs and so I choose the solitude of my blog right now to share my feelings and thoughts. It may only be a handful - though as I'm feeling the way I feel, I choose to take care of myself and stay away from places that do not nurture me. I choose to surround myself with places and an environment where I am safe and can heal as I choose. Everything happens at the right time, space and sequence and all is well. I need to be with and surround myself with like minded souls right now who can nurture my soul - the Universe keeps providing me with situations and circumstances that drive me closer and closer to resuming my bond with my kindred spirits I have been corresponding with in cyberspace the past several years or more. Ahoy friends - I'm coming home and reconnecting (smiles). I've missed you so .... ^i^
I washed my hair today and blow dried it and used the straighteners on it and my fringe is still very short and my hair is not quite in the right condition to be shown at work yet. If I put my hair up, the fringe falls forward and my incision lines can be seen; so I can't do that; and if I leave my hair down, it's not quite in a condition yet to be seen in public; so I'll need to wear my wig a little longer. I thought I could take my wig off soon, though it's too early based on what I saw today. I'm dreading how it's going to be when the weather gets warmer and my head starts to sweat, if at all, under the wig. Fingers crossed that won't happen - thou we have air conditioning in the office and I also have a fan in front of me so I'm good.
Who knows I may even need to wear my wig up until my next surgery which hopefully, fingers crossed, will be in June, in just under 3 months time ... which is 11 weeks. I'll find out on Wednesday next week 8th March, when I have my next appointment with Jane, when the surgery date will be and discuss what we'll be doing.
I had a rough week this week with my punctal plugs as I woke up a couple of nights with secondary tearing in my left eye and it caused havoc at work all day with smarting and general discomfort and I've had to use more natural tears than usual. I can feel the plug scratching on my left eye. I was very concerned about it and wrote to Jane, who suggested I see her at the hospital on Monday; though as we're 2 girls short, I can't take the time off until my appt with her on Weds. I tried using more Lacrilube when I went to bed at night and that seemed to do the trick and I was able, thankfully, to have a decent night's sleep. It's amazing what happens to the body and person mentally and emotionally when deprived of sleep.
My head feels sore still, some places where there were incisions feel tender and sore especially a couple of areas where there were threads sewn in for support. My upper eyelids feel sore to touch (I tend to touch them in the morning when I wake (don't know why) and they always feel sore - even now at 3 months. They don't feel sore during the day - only when I wake - that's strange (grins).
My left side of the forehead feels like it has pins and needles occasionally when I touch it. My head itches from time to time and when I scratch it, it is a weird sensation - like pins and needles and the sensations are just weird. There are various sensations - sore spots where the incisions were, numb areas, areas that have pins and needles and sometimes even the shape of my head feels different. I often wonder if she did anything to change the shape of my head and/or whether this is possible.
Overall at 3 months and 1 week post surgery, I am very happy with the results of my Y-V Endo Brow lift and bilateral upper eyelid reconstruction along with ptosis repair. The left eye continues to give me problems in both the upper and lower eyelid and with eye dryness.
I had to go to the opticians today to hand in my other pair of glasses for them to put the prescription glass bit in and as my current one doesn't allow me to look up and I can't see very well, we decided to do trifocals (I'm not sure of the spelling) so I can see near and far with the prescription. This of course cost more money - another £110 (ouch).
It's a good job I'm able to do lots of overtime now - about 30-40 hours extra per month and it's been a big help in paying the minimal payment on my credit cards for the surgery and also expenses that have been incurring ie like glasses, and bills in general as they're still coming in; and I have to pay for the consultations with Jane that I've been having along with the day care fees for my recent punctal plug treatment. They all add up. But I'm doing ok and am managing. Money is only an exchange of energy and I affirm that for every £1 I spent, it returns to me £1,000 fold :) - actually I've been saying that for years so now my comfort zone will increase to each £1 returns to me £10,000 (smiles) - Louise Hay - prosperity treatments.
I had a great bonus in December and two separate cash bonuses in Jan and Feb from my bosses which has helped tremendously; and I'm also earning ample overtime which is helping towards the costs of my repayments. I'm learning to be cost conscious as I have more fees to pay for the upcoming surgery in 11 weeks time. I will continue to work on my prosperity treatments and am open and receptive to all good in my life ... and all is well (smiles).
Sunday 5th March 2006
Just read some of the posts on the MMH board on various forums and oh boy there are some individuals that have no tact or diplomacy and who go in guns blazing without knowing what the full story. Plastic surgery is difficult enough as it is and people who have it are feeling extremely vulnerable afterwards especially when it's not quite gone to plan. To have to deal with issues outside the family and inside the family and then on this board which is supposed to be a place of support and comfort (and 95% of the time it is); though there's the odd few that contribute to it being a not so safe place to be in.
I personally do not want to muster up or waste any strength to deal with persons that I feel drain my energy right now; as I need all the help I can get to build my strength and self esteem to get by day by day and live through the next 11 weeks or so till my next revision surgery, and all that it entails; as I'll have to start another healing journey all over again from scratch as it's not going to be minor surgery either.
I'm learning to say NO, walk away and take care of me.
I miss FightingForty - I think of you a lot hun :) and hope you're doing ok.
Punctal Plugs
Today, Sunday 5th March 2006, my eyes are doing ok, though when I use the laptop without any glasses, my left eye stings, and I'm not sure if that is cos I'm not wearing glasses and/or cos it is drying out. I am not sure if my eyes are getting used to the punctal plugs now that it's almost 2 weeks and/or if it's something else though it's much better. Today that is. It could be a different story tomorrow when I'm back at work.
Indi
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